Dougie's Blog

I .... am an Artist !

2011-12-16T22:45:00.003Z

Somewhere, way down deep in my psyche, nae, my soul, I am an artist.
My soul is not of the religious variety, but is a real part of my being !
It keeps me sane most of the time but can drive me too, to a near suicidal desperation when at my lowest ebb.
My dear friend and lifelong buddy George is one of the only people who know this.
I am wracked with artistic leanings, if not the talent to support them !
Oh to have walked the hallowed ground of University and studied for an Arts degree, Fine Arts, rather than spend nights at college working my way through Electrical Engineering claptrap for useless qualifications ?
I am a frustrated writer, poet, painter, musician, photographer and George listens when I spout on these very real longings. George is almost a brother to me.
No, he's much more than that ,,, he's that younger sibling, lost all those years ago, when I was so young. George understands me, like only a true friend can.
We have these wonderful, long talks in the car coming home from a day's golf outing, and he listens,, he really listens.
I read, ( I'm devouring books at a rate since my illness & our Scottish winter weather has confined me indoors), I write, and not only this bloggy stuff ,,, I attempt serious writing too, but then I read Emile Zola, Charles Dickens The Bronte girls, Jane Austen, Robt. Louis Stevenson and the like, and I despair again ,.,.,.
I have such a need inside me ,, a want to nurture my soul ?
I played piano to a fairly high level when a boy but then abandoned it ,,,, what sheer criminal neglect !
I must get back to my music learning, and soon.
I long to attempt painting ,,,, I have a love of The Impressionist painters and long to "try my hand" at their style .,., I've chosen my camera as a starting idea to emulate these guys .,.,., I do want to someday actually apply paint to canvas but for now I'm attempting to learn the Impressionist "method" using my digital SLR .,.,
I know this is possible ,, even old Zola had the knack ,, and he did it back in the mid 1800's with far less sophisticated photo equipment to mine ! So watch out for a photographic breakthrough, coming soon to a gallery near you !!
My soul is screaming not to be starved. I need to feed this passion.
But back to my friend .,., George knows & appreciates my deepest thoughts, my deep love of family & friends, the real me .,., he sees the artist in me fighting for release.
For my part I see George as a great part of "my family" .,., and to that end this week I send him my love ,,, for we celebrate with him another .,.,., eh, Big Birthday.
Many Happy Returns pal .... You have been & still are a Rock to me.
I raise my glass to you .,.,
Cheers

A Sort of Poem ?

2011-12-08T17:01:00.003Z

Ode Tae a Wee Bastard !
( The 3-C’s .,., Colonic Cancer Cells or as Emile Zola might have called them ... A Bunch of Cunts ! )

Gaun a wee conivin, sleekit, cowerin’ bastard !Whit? Yer no’ cowerin’ ??
Well ye bloody should be ..
‘Cause I’m fightin ye all the way ,,
A'm laughin' in yer face, there’ll be nae surrender frae me ,,
But if they finally dae cart me away, jist you know ,,,
There’s mair o' me comin’ !
And we’re efter YOU, scum-bag
So beware ya wee shite .. eventually we’re gonna WIN !

So here’s that first laugh in yer face ....

Diarre.. ah ... Fur a ye.. ah ?
Isnae hauf funny ye know
It’s sair arse & piles ..it’s ointment and creams ..
It's runnin' like hell tae the loo
In fact, it’s nae fun at aw !

Diarre...ah, fur jist six months
Might be twice as good ?
Mibbies aye & mibbies naw ?
Or mibbie ah mean hauf as bad ?

For even wan month
Ah could jist aboot stool it !!
Nae problem at aw
But it’s a month wi'oot joy fur ma arse !

Noo a week ... A week ah could dae,
Staunin’ oan ma heid
Oh shit, Mibbie no’ ,, Jist sit on ma bum !

But wait, awthing’s gaun quite quiet on thon rear, Southern front
Ah huvnae moved fur some days
A’m sitting here pushin' like hell
Aw shite, Constipation's back wi’ a bung !!

Another Sort of a Poem

2011-12-08T16:47:00.000Z

One for my beloved, darling wife.

I want your hand
To be the last hand
My hand ever feels

I want your face
To be the last face
My old eyes ever see

I want your kiss
To be the last kiss
On my ever willing lips

I want your smile
To be that last smile,
For how you can smile,
That smile that hasn’t changed in all our years together ...
I love you with all my heart & soul

Gary Speed .....

2011-12-08T16:06:00.002Z

Aren't y'all thoroughly sick of the non stop nonsense constantly being banded about regarding Gary Speed ? We've had a minute's silence and a further round of clapping at every damned football match since his "untimely death !" WHY ?
The guy was not a hero. Certainly NOT in my eyes anyway.
He was a selfish, obviously uncaring individual who chose the coward's way out of whatever was bothering him. He left his wife with no explanation, and worse, his kids with no father at the time in their young lives when they most need one. He's also, lest we forget, commited a criminal act, an act against God too, if you're into such beliefs ,,,, I mention this merely because every other footballer is forever crossing himself on the field of play for one thing or another ,,, so why are these "oh so religious" guys not offended ? Why are they standing there clapping this man who didn't even have the decency to explain his actions ??
And it's not over yet ,,, after what seems like a fortnight of this adulation we are now to get an "official" send off from all in sundry at his funeral !
Am I the only person in the country to see this and ask questions ? Or are all his footy buddies just being carried away with the sentimentality of it all ,.,. frightened to speak out ?
Sorry, but I'm not, and don't expect any minute's silence or clapping from me.
Gary, sorry but you were a poor imitation of a man as far as I'm concerned.

The Good Doc !

2011-10-22T11:26:00.000+01:00

The old saying is true you know ,, It's NOT what you know in this ole world, it's WHO you know !
We have a Doc. the beloved & I .,., One of the Good guys ( maybe a Good Fellah even ? Ooohhh )
He was first introduced to us by the daughter .,., an old school friend of hers ,,, if a tad older ! ( she made me put that in John :) ) but very quickly became a friend to us all .,., a saviour maybe ? but not in the Biblical sense !! I'm not that way inclined. In our hour of greatest need he was there ,, and he's stayed there ever since those initial awful diagnoses. He's promised to be there right to the end & I have no reason to believe otherwise ...a big, cheery, wacky, pun Lord and now the proud owner of something of a FARM !
Boasting about his chicks, his cows, goats, quails even, his general animal farm got my mouth watering at the talk of his FRCE's (Free Range Chickens Eggs) ,,, the likes of which he said we'd NEVER tasted before !
Being about time for a wee blether ( eh, I mean Medical Consultation ) up we went a couple of days ago to see Bones, the Man ! He's promise me btw ( or was that threatened ) that my prognosis of a few months, back last Sept. will be fought by him & I ,, 'Til Death, as they say :( ,,
So far we're doing well ,, 12-months on ... And together we're going for a new record of 5 / 6 years.
To this end since my appetite can vary quite a bit these days ,, from nothing ( well there's always the energy milk shakes ... YUK !! to a nice, if small steak, mushrooms & chips ! ) Bones obviously thought ( with a little helpful dig from myself via facebook ) that what I needed was a really exquisite meal so, as we entered the hallowed consulting room what do you think the mad fool had waiting .,.,., Yep, half a dozen of the finest white & brown FRC eggs on the planet !
And wow, were they good ... NOPE, they were GREAT !
Thanks John ,,,and thanks too to Cinders, ( a White Star indeed ) Roastie, Nugget, or even the Brown Leghorn .,., much appreciated girls, and John, don't think twice if these fine gals start to over produce at any time !
I'm even prepared to sample Dan Quail's output ?

Feral, adj, Wild !

2011-09-22T14:25:00.000+01:00

What's with these new fangled words ?
A year ago I'd never heard the word FERAL before in my entire life ,, and that's been a while now !
Nowadays you can't avoid it ,, feral children, feral dogs, cats, gardens, you name it everydamnthing has suddenly become .,.,., WILD !
I know I shouldn't ask, since I have a daughter Lexicographer who is, in fact, responsible for such additions / subtractions to our language ,, but I will anyway...
Who decides, and on just what basis, to add / subtract new & old words from our everyday already wonderful language?
To whoever it is I say .,.,., Bugger off -- Leave our English alone ya interfering shower !
Wild is more than adequate to describe ,, WILD !
For some people English is already difficult enough !

Here's a wee add on to this blog to illustrate my point ,,,
Phyl, the beautiful daughter, was once "involved" with the Police ,,, Can't remember if she was a witness to something or if someone had driven into the back of her car ,, I checked & someone indeed had banged into her beloved little Italian Chuggy Fiat 500.
A young Bobby, let's call him PC Dumb, was allocated at the scene to take her details ,,,
He started in the usual fashion ,, Name please ?.,.,.,.,
Phyllis she replied ,,
Right that's FIL,, eh how do you spell that name .. Try PHY.... officer she said.
Ok Surname ?,,, Buchanan .,., OK, right .. That's eh, BUCK,, eh can you spell that please miss !
Occupation ? he asks next ,,,, At this point the we'an, having got the measure of her man, decided on her career title Sunday name ,,,,
Eh I'm a Multi-Lingual Lexicographer, she replied :)
At this juncure in proceedings PC Dumb looked like he might actually cry ,,, gave up the ghost, tore the paper out his pad & crumpled it into the nearest bin ,,,,
Maybe you should come down to the station Miss & explain it all to the Sarge !!

So, albeit our Coppers are possibly a little on the thick side, can you smart Alex's leave our language alone ,,,
If you check you'll find out that the Feral word appears only in the Collins English dictionary ,,, there's no mention of such an abomination in either the Scots gem or indeed the Larger Concise Scots Dictionary.
I rest my Scottish case !

Mind Racing ?

2011-09-22T09:52:00.000+01:00

The beloved tells me I've started talking in my sleep ( again ) !
However, this time round it appears I'm having full blown conversations with people ,,
I'm obviously getting answers to my questions as well as the reverse, while fast asleep ....
Some of these chats leave me angry, some giggling hysterically in mirth ,, but it seems quite odd to me that I should be chatting away to someone and hearing them respond without actually being aware of it all ? (although ocassionally I wake up in the middle of such bletherings & am vaguely aware that something has been going on in the nocturnal ramblings arena )
I don't seem to get any faces ,, so I don't really know who I'm talking to !
What is causing this phenomenon I wonder ?
Naturally I have a theory !
It's this ,,, my mind is full of stuff at this time & is racing away with it all ,, almost out of control you might say. I'm trying to come to terms with my emm, ,,,, fate I guess ?
And more importantly, the fate of my beloved, our kids and theirs.
I'm not sure but, maybe this causes the mind to race off on it's own and plan stuff for their future ??
Or of course I could simply be an inveterate rambling old fool ?
Answers on a PC please to the usual address !

It's B & Q 's New Folly ,, oops I mean Policy !

2011-09-19T09:13:00.000+01:00

Went down to the giant DIY store the other day ,,,
I'd been told my request would be thrown out, but hey, if you don't ask, you don't get ,, right ?
As regular readers of this blog will know, there's a new carpet in the old bedroom !
Much more plush, carpets these days ,, or if you will,, THICK !
Ipsofacto, the door won't close ,,, needs a smidgen off the bottom edge ,, literally 1-cm !
I spotted 3 ,, yeah three, "B & Q "workers" sitting round a table close to the band saw which would do the job in less than 10-seconds ( and do it straight & true ! ) ( two more were "jawing", about last night's footie game, they were hard at it, & didn't even see me hovering around, so I decided not to interrupt ! )
I asked the threesome ( very pleasantly ) if this was a private card school or could anyone join in !
They took it in good spirit and listened while I explained about my carpet/ door/ cut required.
Ooh sorry they said ( almost like they meant it ) but we're not allowed to cut doors any more !
Seems it's a "Health & Safety" ( ?? ) issue and even worse,, some customers on having the work done complain that we've cut it wrong and sue us for replacement new doors !
OK says I ,, I'll give you a carte -blanche written disclaimer ,, I know you won't cock it up.
Thanks sir but afraid it's still a No-no ,,, we'd get sacked if "they" caught us !
Ok I say again ,, the doors are very old so how about I just buy a few new doors from you and then you can cut them to the correct height ?
Nope, they chorused, we can't even cut our own doors any more !!
I had wondered when I arrived why there was so many "workers" in this dept. and no customers .,.,
I don't any more !!! It's the new B & Q policy for selling ZERO doors.

Ode to Tiffany...or, Tiff thing, I think you move me !

2011-09-08T10:18:00.011+01:00

My regular readers will be aware that the beloved & I recently bought a new light for the re-decorated bedroom.
In actual fact I found & bought this hanging thing of beauty.
We pushed the boat out a little and bought what I thought at the time was a rather "nice", if expensive Tiffany lamp...
It's colours blended well with the new wallpaper, carpet, curtains etc, & so the bullet was bitten & the deed was done !
Having now moved back into our bedroom I see just how good the Tiff looks.
Each morning as the sun comes up I awaken to a glorious display of glass & colour.
In fact I awaken to it twice ! Yeah, she's on the ceiling & in the wardrobe door mirror !
She is brilliant ,,, Fan-bloody-tastic & worth every penny !
Tiff thing.... You make my heart sing,
You make everything ,,,
Groovy !

Tiff thing.... I think I love you !

Humble apologies to Big Reg & the Troggs !!

An ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER as received by the Issuing Authority !

2011-09-01T08:44:00.000+01:00

This letter is a thing of great beauty (even if the language is a bit choice) ... You can definitely feel the guy's pain !

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For Christ sake, do you guys do this by hand ? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 50 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last half dozen damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed to step off the plane over the last 40 years, and all those insufferable, & useless census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Phyllis, my father's name is Bill and I'd be abso-f*cking-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I, like both of them die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this utter bullshit ! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f*cking address !!!!

What is going on ? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there ? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for sh*t sake. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere warm.

And would someone please, please tell me, why would you give a sh*t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days ? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last f*cking people I'd tell !

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day ??
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make some sense. You'd rather have us running all over the f*ckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic f*ckin' morons)

Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile even if we wanted to?

Because we're totally pissed off ! Aye Wi' YOU !

Signed
An Irate Citizen.

   P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since the year DOT ! Way back in the 15 / 1600's ... we have all lived, worked & paid taxes here since then .........

However, I have to get someone 'IMPORTANT' to verify who I am - you know,
someone like my doctor ... aye him WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F*CKING PAKISTAN and came here 5-years ago !

( Has anybody at the department checked his passoport yet ?? )

Sincerely,

East Ren Cooncil ,,, at it yet again !

2011-08-30T10:12:00.000+01:00

So I had an old TV to get rid of ,,,
Naturally I called the EAST REN COONCIL ,, who always arrive the Frid. after the call & take away my Bigger Rubbish ! ( for I'm an OAP and get this service for FREE !! .,.,., Eh, Did I say GET this service for FREE .,., read on ! )
Naturally I called them. " Sure, no problem Sir, is that all you have to be picked up this time ?," the pleasant young man asked.
"Yep, that's all for now" says I.
"Right then, that'll be £20 then Sir" he tells me ,,,
"Eh, naw son, you've got that wrong ,, I'm one of East Ren's Senior Citizens ,, one of the over 60 brigade, so No Charge ,, as usual ! OK ?"
"Eh, sorry, no Sir, there's now a charge .,., for EVERYBODY wanting any uplift !"
"You what ??" I said, rather taken aback !
"You have to joking son ?? How is an Old guy my age with my medical condition supposed to humph a big telly up to the dump, pray ? "
"Don't know Sir, ,, but no payment, no uplift I'm afraid !!"
Mmmm, a bit less than pleasant suddenly sonny eh ?
Well tell you what kid, Believe me, you'll be taking it to the dump ,,, even I have to smash it into small enough bits to fit in YOUR Bins ! Now you can cancel my request for uplift and shove it !!
That's now the 2nd. item ERC have hiked a ridiculous price onto that OTHER COONCILS HAVEN'T !! Take the disabled driver's Blue Parking Concession Badge for example !
Glasgow issues this badge to worthy recipients FREE .,., ,ERC ,,, same badge, same rules about obtaining one ,, CHARGE ?? £20 ( aye, and another £20 each time it's renewed !! )
I refrain from questioning their parentage but that's what I think of them all the same ,,
Long may they rot in Hell Fire !

So, what to do my Lord Dionysius II ?

2011-08-24T10:42:00.001+01:00

People in my situation are often ovecome with not knowing what to do with their remaining time ,, be it weeks, months, years ? We will all die at some time ,, of that there's no doubt, or escape, but there is something quite different when the medics spell out YOUR personal demise and give you a sort of definitive ( and always short ) timescale !
Should I be "putting my affairs in order" ? whatever the hell that means ? Should I be savouring every minute / hour / day and using them to the limit ? Finishing off my "work in progress" books ? Writing letters to leave to all my dear friends ?
Or maybe just carry on day to day ignoring the fact that the next one might well be my last ?
I honestly don't know what I should be doing !
I'm not sure I should be simply sitting whiling away the days playing golf, reading, writing, photographing, watching Tv etc ,,, but hey, why the hell not ,, It's what I would be doing if I didn't have the sword of Damocles hanging over me .,.,

{ The story : The Damocles of the anecdote was an obsequious courtier in the court of Dionysius II of Syracuse, a fourth century BC tyrant of Syracuse, Italy. Pandering to his king, Damocles exclaimed that, as a great man of power and authority surrounded by magnificence, Dionysius was truly extremely fortunate. Dionysius then offered to switch places with Damocles, so that Damocles could taste that very fortune first hand. Damocles quickly and eagerly accepted the King's proposal. Damocles sat down in the king's throne surrounded by every luxury, but Dionysius arranged that a huge sword should hang above the throne, held at the pommel only by a single hair of a horse's tail. Damocles finally begged the tyrant that he be allowed to depart, because he no longer wanted to be so fortunate.^[2]^[5]
Dionysius had successfully conveyed a sense of the constant fear in which the great man lives. Cicero uses this story as the last in a series of contrasting examples for reaching the conclusion he had been moving towards in this fifth Disputation, in which the theme is that virtue is sufficient for living a happy life.^[6]
Cicero asks: Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?^[7]

I have no fear looming .,., I'm a happy man .,, No, really I am ,, I have the wife & family to die for ( excuse the pun ! ) so why change my ways at this late date ?
As far as I'm aware my "affairs" are pretty well in order ?
My books will or will not be concluded .,., I've written enough to let future generations of Buchanans, Gautiers & Widmanns know who I am and that's all I wanted to do in the first place when I first set pen to paper.
I couldn't, even if I wanted ,, rush off book chapters like there's no tomorrow ,, they come to me as they will ,, and I get them down on paper when the mood takes me ,,, but "To Order " .,., eh, No !
Anyway, if anyone can suggest other "things" to do ,,, which "affairs" to put in order ,, how to conduct my final symphony please feel free to comment .,.,
And ,, Thanks for listening .,.,
Ta-ra

The Saga of the Anti Twist Plate & Mr. Allen !

2011-08-19T09:53:00.003+01:00

You know how these things pan out ?
First we needed to wallpaper the bedroom ,,, our bedroom ,, it hasn't been done for a wee while.
So we bought the paper .,., and it lay in the cupboard for Oh ,, about 6-months ?
Then we used it to re paper our grandson's bedroom ! ( different room ,, different hoose ! )
We then bought new paper for our room & it went into the cupboard for .,., Mmmm, maybe another 6-months ?
We've had a couple of other wee traumas to deal with during this past year which kinda put the wallpapering project on the back burner !
Anyway our health & strength has been on the wane some during this time to the point where I finally decided to let our next door neighbour ( a fine painter & decorator to trade ) do the work for me.
He made a lovely job of it and in just two days we were ready to put the room back together again and move back in !!
Silly me ! Did I really believe that ? No, no, no, first we needed a new bed to compliment the new decor .,., but even before that of course, the carpet was well overdue replacing wasn't it ,,, and since the bed's out there in the spare room meantime, what better time ??
So the carpet was chosen & the fitters came & down it went ,, half an hour later we needed to assemble the bed !! Oh have I mentioned yet the new curtains, light shade, reading lights over the bed, wall mount Tv, etc, etc ,,, ?? Ahhh all in due course then !
Next was the overhead light ,,, a splendid new ( & expensive !! ) Tiffany lamp from Lite Craft ,,, you know, Lite Craft, the ( phenomenally expensive ) Lighting Experts !! Well we bought it, as I said, a splendid affair, big, heavy ( aye really heavy ,, ) and all pretty colours. We took it home ( carefully cosseted on the back seat of the car ,, watch that bump ! ) and the amateur electrician decided to put it up ,, well what safer place to keep it ?
"What a bloody weight" the amateur was heard to say ,, "this'll bring the ceiling doon !"
Not to be deterred the missus wuman insisted .,., "Ah like it ,,, it's goin' up ,, !"
Then we noticed ,, aye both of us ,, there was no way to attach this heavy weight to the ceiling ?? Absolutely no possible connection betwixt our existing ceiling rose and this new monster lamp ?
We called on friends to check we weren't simply acting out dumb & dumber roles ?? but alas everyone agreed ,, it had no means of being hung !!
"Shit !" the amateur muttered ,, get all the bubble wrap, poly bags etc, back out of the bin .,., we're off back to see the Experts ..., and so we did ,, again very carefully watching every bump in the road .
The young lady I approached told me, calm as you like ,, cool as a bleedin' cucumber in fact & without even as much as a mild blush !.,., "Oh you need an anti twist plate !" "A whit ?" says I .,., "An anti twist plate ,, that gives you the hook to hang it onto that earth bracket inside the brass housing ,, See ? ,,"
"So where is it ?" I ask ,,
"Oh we don't supply it !!!" she tells me ,, "It's only a wee cheap thing though ,, you'll get one in B & Q for about 70p .,., " By this time steam is rushing from my ears at 100psi with no safety relief valve fitted in the heid !! ,,,
"I'll what ?? Drive to B & Q .,., Aye so ah will hen ! " WHY don't you supply the bloody thing if it's that necessary & that cheap ?? D'you know how much this lamp cost me ? the one I've now trailed back & forth THREE times now ?
I want to see the Manager ! NOW !!
Off she went ,, the manager ( a boy of about 12 summers ) arrived back clutching a little bit of metal in his already sweaty mitt .,
"Mr. B" he gushes, "I've managed to find a spare anti twist plate for you ,,! " " Look, this is how it works ..."
" Aye right "says me ,, "but it should be included in the lamp package ,, not need every customer to find out the hard way & have to make a return journey .,., You'll be hearing from my lawyer in due course sonny, regarding compensation for stress & strain, petrol money and a general stupidity ex-gracia payment !"
And so I left .... failing that I may have been up on an assault charge on a minor !!
The carpet now fitted, the lamp now fitted, it was time to assmble the new bed !
Och, should I bother ?,,, it must be me ! ,, surely the world isn't being dumbed down deliberately ,, all the time ?
Anyway, the bed comes with a single assembly instruction sheet ,, a we'an could follow the steps ,, in fact my two grandwe'ans did ,, they did most of the assembly ,,, however, and here's the rub !
The screws, and the tool they supply are of the Allen type ,,
{A hex key, Allen key, or Allen wrench (also known by various other synonyms .,., ( I'll just bet it is !! ) is a tool of hexagonal cross-section used to drive bolts and screws that have a hexagonal socket in the head (internal-wrenching hexagon drive) }
Oh and did I mention ,, the most TOTALLY USELESS tool ever invented !
Mr. Allen never did think to add a bloody handle to allow his tool to be easily turned ,, and if ever a bed was made with absolutely no access for such a tool this was that bed ! I could get a quarter turn ( at best ) on any of these damned screws ,, which turned a 5-minute job with a screwdriver into a 3 hour job ! ( and lots of sweat on the new carpet ! )
If I could have got my hands on said Mr. Bloody Allen he'd have had screws where the monkey hid his nuts ,, aye & his nuts would be there too !

Ladiers & Gentlemen ,,, The Grumpy old man has now left the building !!

To all the nocturnal girls !

2011-08-11T09:30:00.000+01:00

We have a friend, the beloved's old school pal no less, so we've had her a while !!
The wee soul is one of those women who, in their later years become obsessed with ,, well, stuff & things !
She can spend a day for instance, checking the tins & bottles on the Supermarket shelves for any ingredients that are "bad for her !!" Her healthy diet is severe ,, no red meat, in fact no meat, no this , no that, in fact it's easier to describe her do's rather than her don'ts .,.,, she eats fish & chicken ,,, that's about it !
She won't use a mobile 'phone cause it might affect her brain ; ditto she won't use a freezer ; food is not meant to be cold for months on end ; she shops a lot !
This woman would never dream of using make-up, & certainly never ever consider the possibility of artificial "substances"( and here I'm not talking Grade A drugs or anything ... I'm thinking maybe Botox ! ,, the safe & legal drug of the "Beautiful People" )
The reason I'm thinking Botox is two fold ,,,
1) her lifelong heart-throb "singer" ( the Peter Pan of pop ! ) uses it & he can do no wrong !!
2) a recent news article was touting it as a cure for a medical complaint from which she suffers.
The poor woman has umpty-tumpty nocturnal journeys twixt bedroom & loo room of a night ,,
She has, you see, what has now been diagnosed as Loose Bladder syndrome .,., with no real signs of a cure on the horizon.
But now ,,, hang on ,,, wait a minute Missus !
Botox will not only cure your nocturnal walks but, dare I say it, perhaps as a beneficial off spin, give you a wrinkle-free fanny too !!

Pretty Fannies of the world unite ,,, kinda describes her 60's Heart-throb singer pretty well too don't you think ?!

Dumb & Dumber !

2011-08-05T10:31:00.001+01:00

It saddens me ,, it really does , the state this country has got itself into.
What used to be a bright, innovative people have let themselves be dragged down to a level of education that borders on the pre neanderthal.
Who's to blame ? Us ourselves, our teachers, Government, WHO ??
I don't know but I do know that the kids leaving school in my day were a damn sight better equipped to speak, read, write and count than they are now !
Now that can't be right ,, how can a system that was working fine ( aye & with 40-kids to a class ) have been allowed to be changed into a downward spiral churning out virtual dummies ?
Oh I know we have better exam results :), we have no failures anymore :( , aye but we have teachers slashing their wrists too ,,, don't remember that back in the 50's ??
Anyway it's a long debate this and one I'll come back to, but what set me off yesterday was such a simple little annoying character I met in a bed shop .,., fresh out of school I'll wager ! In fact there were two of them ,, and employed in separate BED SHOPS !!
The beloved & I were looking for a new bed to go with our about to be re-decorated bedroom, so in we went to the BED SHOPS !
This 1st. shop was truly what it said on the tin ... a BED shop ,, sold nothing but BEDS ,,
I'm wandering around minding my own business looking at the various designs when up he comes ,, big smile for the customer .,., So he says, is it a bed you're looking for ?
I turned to the beloved with that look she knows so well on my face ,,
Naw, I said to the neanderthal, I'm looking to buy a new car !
With that I walked straight out the door ,,, I simply refuse to deal with fools and I won't encourage them by buying anything from them !
The 2nd, BED shop was also a beds only kinda establishment !
I found the bed I liked .,., nice rich leather head and foot boards.
The display model was in a dark brown, verging on black leather.
What other colour options can I have on the leather I asked the fresh faced salesman #2
Now this was not a cheap & nasty wee bed ,, this was an approx. £400 quid bed ( sans mattress ! ) so naturally if I'm the customer & willing to pay the piper ,, then I also get to call the bloody tune ?
Eh, that's it he says ,, it comes ONLY in the dark brown !!"
Eh, naw it disnae son ,, if I want it in a light green leather that's what I get ,, you see I'm the customer ,, the guy with the money. If I go into a 3-piece suite shop to buy a leather suite I can choose from every colour in the spectrum so what's different about a wee bit leather ony our bed ?
I could maybe get you it in an off white he responds ,,
I give the beloved the look !
And we're out of there and in the car before neanderthal #2 has time to smile his dumb smile one more time.
And I'll bet you he still doesn't know what went wrong ?

Eulogy for a dear WeeThing ( Part II )

2011-07-23T11:48:00.002+01:00

It's been a wee while now since my dear wee cous died
( Frid. 28th. Jan. to be exact )

Naturally I still miss her terribly ,,, No wee Helloo's jumping onto my screen of an evening ,,,

No tales of the family down-under ,,,
Little contact at all now with the bum of the planet, truth be told ,,,

Yesterday however I spoke to her big brother ,, my older cousin in Christ-Church.

We blethered on a bit about weeAnne, how she was so missed by all her NZ family .,.,
and the devastaion following the Eartquakes etc ,, just general chit-chat.

Then all of a sudden Adam ( the Cous ) let this one out of the bag !

Seems the crazy wee bitch was on yon "slip-it-under-the-tongue" Nitroglycerin medication for her heart .,.,

No, not the explosive stuff ,,,, !

Nitroglycerin is also used medically as a vasodilator to treat heart conditions, such as angina and chronic heart failure. It is one of the oldest and most useful drugs for treating heart disease by shortening or even preventing attacks of angina pectoris. Nitroglycerin comes in forms of tablets, sprays or patches.^[1] Nitroglycerin can be used to help destroy prostate cancer.^[2]
A common form of medical nitroglycerin is a small white tablet that patients slip under the tongue. Another form is nitroglycerin sprays that are a convenient alternative for someone awakened by angina attacks at night. These two forms are not for routine use, only to be used at the onset of chest pain. A patch is another form of nitroglycerin. The medication contained in the patch is slowly released and absorbed through the skin and into the bloodstream, however it will not relieve an attack that has already started.^[20]
Since 1879, nitroglycerin pills have been a standard treatment for angina and heart attacks, but it wasn't until the 1970s that researchers understood that the body converts nitroglycerin into nitric oxide, a messenger molecule that tells the smooth muscles surrounding blood vessels to relax.^[21]
When a pill is needed the person places it under the tongue and allows it to dissolve, which usually takes about 20–30 seconds. Nitroglycerin can also be chewed, but is less effective when it is swallowed without being dissolved. Its actions make a gentle tingling sensation under the tongue. Nitroglycerin is more effective when taken at the very inception of chest discomfort. After taking the nitroglycerin pill, relief often follows within one to two minutes, but not all types of chest pain respond to nitroglycerin.^[2

NO ONE IN THE FAMILY HAD ANY INKLING ABOUT THIS ....
SHE HAD SEEMINGLY TOLD NO ONE ABOUT THIS MEDICATION .,.,
The family only found out the morning she died ,,
Seems the pill bottle was in her hand ( almost empty ! ) when they found her !!

Now what kind of crazy wee person would hide such info from her nearest & dearest ?

I'm gutted all over again ,, maybe with this knowledge ( and a better supply of pills ) she could have survived the heart attack ?

If I could get hold of her right now I'd skelp her wee arse .,.,

What were you thinking WeeThing ?

Help ma Boab, I'm sleeping wi' Desperate D'Ann !

2011-07-12T10:07:00.000+01:00

Sleep, these days is something of a luxury !
In fact I can't actually remember when I last had a real night's sleep ...
So there I was in the middle of another sleepless, dreamless, watch of the hours go by when I heard the first faint murmurs ,,,, It was a cat .,., surely the daft woman wouldn't have brought a cat to our bed ?
But, I'd know that happy light purr anywhere ,, I ignored it, lest the stupid animal decided to make friends with me too ... then came the oh so quiet Ohh, Oohh, just every so often ,, it sounded for all the world like a young girl playing with her pussy ( oops I mean cat ! ) I let it go for a long few minutes ,, but I was definitely right ,, it was a pussy cat purring and it was a young girl ohh'ing at regular intervals with it !!
I could resist it no longer ,, I turned to see if she'd resurected our monster Snoopy cat or our wee fluffy imitation kitten Muffin ?? Of course the minute I made my move the gentle purr became a great splurt & splutter with thrashing arms and the Ooohh's a snore of gigantic proportions much in tune with my old boyhood hero Desperate Dan after devouring a great Cow Pie !!
Oh well ,,,, back to watching the ole hour hands again ?

Are standards slipping at Wumbledum ?

2011-06-28T11:50:00.000+01:00

Surely I'm not the only one to notice ?
The "goings-on" at Wumbledum ( as Boris calls it ! ) this past week ?
You'd have thought after winning the damned competition twice and attending every year since, that at least he'd have learned by now how to pronounce the place name?? Alas NO !
Since the beloved & I have been a bit house-bound this past wee while we've taken to watching the Tennis Freak Show of an afternoon ...
It's beginning, after watching almost every game through the 1st. week, to actually turn my stomach !
Why you might ask ?
Well I'll tell you, but be prepared to never enjoy watching this spectacle again without thinking of my analysis.
There's the Grunting,, the Yelping & Yowling, the damned bad sportsmanship where opponents scream in delight when one makes a mistake ( would never happen on a golf course ! ) Then there's the throwing of the ball in the air and NOT hitting the serve,, Complaints if one's opponent needs a doctor mid game ,, all different versions again of poor sportsmanship.
Then there's the Nadal affliction ,, he needs to have something pulled out of his backside between every rally !! I'm thinking of writing to advise him that thongs are perhaps not the correct sports attire for Wumbledum !
But worse than all of these, worse by far ???
It's the disgusting wiping of the head, face, bald bonce, arms, legs and other places and then PASSING THE SWEAT WET TOWEL TO SOME POOR UNSUSPECTING LITTLE BALL BOY OR GIRL !!
OH YUK !! And sometimes they surreptitiously wipe ( even blow ) their noses while wiping .,.,
Now think about it ,, if you were said little boy or girl wouldn't you just refuse ,, ? Bugger off Mr. Tennis Star ! Stick your sweaty towel where Raffa scratches I'd tell them ,,, No way am I touching your smelly, stinking, sweat wet rag .,.,
I can just see FIFA lining up 22 -wee ball boys round the fields of play with FIFA emblemed towels heavy with snot, spit and sweat .,., ( although it would make for less of the stuff up your shorts when you do yon knee slide celebration of a goal !! )
I mean footballers don't have the decorum of tennis freaks do they ?
Where oh where will it all end ??
Send your sports yuks to me at .,.,.,.,.,

The Screaming Returns

2011-06-18T12:29:00.002+01:00

So, there we were, having a ball at our son's 40th. Birthday Party.
The Champagne was flowing, the buffet was loaded to overflowing and the wines, beers & spirits were high !! We met lots of old & new friends and decided later on in the evening that since I wasn't up to long nights ( & this one was looking like an early hours of the morning affair ) that we'd leave with our daughter and be home for a reasonable time ,,, midnight'ish !
The beloved was her usual self ,,, all night life and soul ,, and even now, in the car, chatting away and giving us lots to laugh about on our homeward journey.
We got our daughter to drop us at the corner of our street and we walked the 50-yards or so to our back door.
We were both bushed ,, said we were going straight up to bed ....
My beloved wandered into the hall cupboard to slip out of her shoes and at that point the world did a double-take !
She collapsed coming out and fell hard against the hall radiator, giving her head a helluva wallop.
I figured, in my wisdom ( doh ! ) that maybe she'd had a wee glass of wine or two too many?
I man-handled her back into the living room and onto the couch ,,, She lay down .. I slipped a pillow under her head and checked it for any blood .,., she seemed almost ok so I threw a cover over her and sat down in my chair to keep a night vigil. I was a little concerned that she wouldn't speak to me ??
An hour or so later she got up, undressed and walked upstairs en route to bed under her own steam ,, ( but with me closely following at her back lest she fall again.)
I asked her if I should call a Doctor but she poo-hoo'd the idea.
Another couple of hours went by and I wakened ,, she was staring, unseeing into space ,,,
This time I didn't ask,,, I called NHS 24 and within 20-minutes the Doc was at our door.
One look, a few questions and some tests were hurredly carried out before he too was on the 'phone.
An ambulance was here no more than 10-minutes later ,,, and sped us thro' the night traffic to Glasgow's Southern General hospital and straight into the High Dependency Stroke ward !
My dearest had not been drinking to excess, hardly 2-glasses of white wine & a sip of champers had passed her lips that fateful Sat. night .,., and now here she was, in an intensive care bed only a few hours after posing for some lovely family portaits. ( Does the photo above look like a woman 4-hours away from a stroke ?)
I was devastated ,,, I still am ,,, I should have called the Doc some 3 or 4 hours quicker !
As everyone knows, with a stroke the first hours are absolutely vital to get the patient on track for a full recovery.
The Doctors & nurses in the hospital were brilliant ,, attentive & informative .,., they told me fairly quickly ( although it seemed a lifetime ! ) that the only damage was her speech and her writing ,,, a very small but significant area of the brain had taken the hit with the clot but thankfully no paralysis, no loss of understanding ... all limbs still working ok. Chances were that she'd be fine and the delay ( fortunately ) did no additional damage .,., ( Thank God, for I'd never have lived with myself if I'd caused her to suffer more. )
The damage was carefully scutinized for a week ,, Cat scans, x-rays, wired up to heart & blood pressure monitors, physcal examinations ,, etc. etc,
Seems she has an irregular heart beat ( maybe had this for many years without it doing any harm ).... her blood pressure was up thro' the roof ,,, her thyroid gland was way over active .,.,
As I understand it the thyroid was the main culprit ,, being so over-active it caused the heart rate to race & the blood pressure to rise ,, this in turn let go a small clot which headed straight for the brain and did the damage.
My poor darling had no symptoms of any of these threats .,., indeed never a day's illness in her life ,,, ( well one nasty chest infection which took a long time to clear ) but that aside, a healthier woman over the years it would be hard to find ! ,.,.,., now all of a sudden she's on 4-different lots of pills ... daily for now & possibly a long time to come !
She has, of course, been under a lot of stress and has been working twice as hard as normal over the past 6-months following my illness & treatment regime .,., This probably contributed ?
I really can't believe our family has been hit with another major trauma ,,, Did we really offend the Gods in some previous life ?
Are we just getting old and frail .,., ?
What ?
Why ? Why my beloved ,,, ??
Why now ?
She's been my love, my rock, my beloved wife for all these years .,.,
She simply doesn't deserve these extra fears & tears .,.,
She's a carer with extraordinary love,
She's my woman,
And I could have lost her
I'm SCREAMING again !

Urquhart Bloody Castle ! They can keep it.

2011-05-17T12:41:00.003+01:00

Urquhart Castle sits beside Loch Ness in Scotland along the A82 road,

between Fort William and Inverness.

It is close to the village of Drumnadrochit.

Though extensively ruined, it was in its day one of the largest strongholds of medieval Scotland,

and remains an impressive structure, ( aye, wellll )

splendidly situated on a headland overlooking Loch Ness.

It is also near this castle that the majority of Nessie (Loch Ness Monster) sightings occur.

It's no' a bad wee bit of brickwork ,, albeit kinda run doon & in need of some TLC !

However it does have Major flaws ,,,

Since my last visit the Prices for entry to walk down a wee bit grass and look closer at this old ruin have gone thro' the bloody roof !

Some £7-20p for each adult and £4-50p per child !!

Our family outing would have cost us ( that's the 13-of us ) some £65-70p on a cold & rainy day .,.,

had we been daft enough to pay !

The only voices I heard coming or going in the direction of the castle ,, (eh, the couple of walls left standing that is !) were Americans or Japanese funnily enough !

That's not all either .,.,., flaws # 2 & 3 coming up !

The bastards have planted a full row of trees ( small 'ish at the moment but quick growing I'll wager ! )

These are atop the wall with it's already interfering wire mesh, thus making life somewhat difficult / impossible for the would-be tourist Photographer.

This vandalism of our right to view what is a natural Scottish resource ( Loch Ness ) made me very angry indeed .,., with their notices of " Do Not Stand On The Wall "

Aye right .,., just try stopping me !

Who do these people think they are ?

If I want to look for Nessie in her Loch then I'll stand on them and their bloody wall if I feel like it !

The final insult was when one of youngsters needed the loo ...

On enquiring where the loo was we were told ,,"Inside !" and to visit would cost us £7-20p + £4-50p

That must be the most expensive pee in all Scotland .,.,

I can only assume the place is run by the English !

Anyway we let the little fella pee against their wall ,, poetic justice I thought ?

And we changed the wean 's nappy in the back of the car and promptly plonked the dirty nappy in their waste bin ,,, right outside the pay booth !!

A last look over my shoulder as we walked away clocked some 20-odd people on the wall snapping away with cameras !

I would urge all visitors to renege at paying this scandalous "fine" to look at our own country's natural landmarks ! Are y'all with me ??

Yo, A Result

Bye bye Seve ...

2011-05-07T13:00:00.000+01:00

Last night Seve finally lost the fight with that malignant tumour in his head . What a sad day for all of golf .
The wee man was a wizard on the golf courses of the world and will be so sadly missed ,,,especially by our Ryder Cup Team. He was inspirational as a Captain, a leader and a supporter.
And so young ,,, 54 is no age to go.
RIP Seve .,., I hope you get in some good rounds in that big Golf Course in the sky !

Who's a Happy Bunny Then ??

2011-05-07T12:48:00.001+01:00

What a day ,, what a night ,,, what a brilliant victory !
We arra peepel !
Go Big Eck ... we're finally on the move to an Independent Scotland, but don't get rushed into it too soon. As if you would ,,
I haven't managed to get the smile off my face all day :-)
I look forward to seeing as many of the next 5-years as possible.
I know you and Team Scotland won't let us down .,.,
Now go GOVERN /.,.,., You de man .,.,YO

The Flying Balloon

2011-04-27T19:58:00.003+01:00

About 4-am this morning I'd had enough !
My tum was aching badly and I felt I needed to go visit my Throne ( well it is THE Wedding Week ! )
Like you didn't know & had managed to escape it ?
I sat down, resigned to yet another 15-20 minutes without sleep !
But then something very strange ( and almost wonderful ) happened.
I let out the loudest and longest lasting ,, eh, how shall we put it ? .,.,., Bottom Raspberry I've ever experienced !! It went on for some 50 seconds .,. loud and non stop !
My tum felt like a great load had just been lifted ,, seemingly shrinking visibly as I hugged myself .,., the pain went ,, I was almost happy at having got up ,,,
Then it struck me ,,, In my mind's eye I pictured a great balloon with my rugged, older male model look face on board ,, trimmed beard and all, flying up & down and all around the lav !!
I fully expected at any moment to find myself lying in a heap at the bottom of the stairs with a final weeeeee ,,
So it started ,, I giggled ,, I laughed out loud ,, way too loud for 4-am ,, and after a few minutes almost fell off my Royal seat in hysterics ,,,
Wonder why none of the Docs or Nurses ever mentioned this as an optional exit at the hospital during all my Chemo sessions !!
What a way to go ?,, as a deflating balloon flying round the Lav ,,,

All in a Week's Holiday !!

2011-04-18T13:50:00.001+01:00

Just back from a lovey week away with all the family Up North .,.,
It was noisy with 7-we'ans running wild but it was also good fun .,.,
The weather was a real bonus ,, didn't think they ever got sunshine in the upper reaches of Scotland ,,
We were esconsed in a Baronial Mansion in the little town of Keith, sort of mid way between Aberdeen and Inverness and so we also visited some gorgeous little seaside towns and fishing villages on the coast .,., Banff, Macduff, Cullen ,,,
Cullen was the highlight for me, a beautiful town, with a glorious beach and a little café / bistro selling it's very own home made Cullen Skink .,., a must eat for true Scottish Fish Chowder fans !
This and the best Ice Cream shop in the highlands made it a perfect day for us and the kids !
The day was topped off though, by a superb ( if somewhat un PC ) comment from my dearly beloved ,,,
On passing a Chinese take away, by name The Castle Chinese Take Away, Thomas, our son-in-law commented, "Huh, they could surely have come up with a better name than that for their restaurant ? " .,.,( this was one of the few places we visited with not a castle to be seen !! )
The wife, having just enjoyed her Chowder lunch, quick as a flash, had us all on the grass laughing hysterically ,,,
Yeah, she said ,, something more appropriate to the town .,.,how about The Cullen Chink !!
( Humble apologies to any sensitive Chinese reading my Blog ,, but it was said with only fun in mind !)
Unfortunately, on arriving home we found the hall stairs and lower floor area completely flooded and water dripping from the loft through the upstairs light bulb .,., from the amount of water we estimated that it had started dripping as we loaded the car to leave a week earlier !! :-(
Today, a day later, we had a power cut, seemingly .,., but after some investigation alas no ,, it was our kitchen kettle that that had blown the overload circuit breaker ,, so we're now down a hall carpet and a kettle !!
Surely this is not some ancient Confucius curse being brought to bear on us ?,,, it was only a joke pal ,, honest !!
Anyway, I'll away and investigate the kettle fault just in case it's fixable ???

OMG, the Shame !

2011-04-07T10:27:00.001+01:00

A couple of days ago I received the worst news I've ever had !
No, nothing to do with the dreaded "C" disease this time ,,, possibly even worse ?
My great Dane of a son-in-law only went & poked his nose into our Family Tree .,., a project I started many years ago ,,, He was trying to find & add further back generations of MY family ( doesn't he have a family of his own to poke into ? )
I had listed only back to my Mum & Dad and their Mums & Dads ,,ie, my grannys & grampas, all done via old aunties & uncles when I could sit them down for long enough & ply them with a few wee drams to keep them talking ! The Dane of course goes much deeper into old archives via the records office in Edinburgh ,,,
Anyway to cut a long story short and hopefully to then bury it deeply after that ,,, it turns out ( and there's no doubting it sadly ) that my paternal Granny, one Mary Hannah Potter was ,,, ugh, I can barely bring myself to say the word ,, ENGLISH !! There, that's it ,, now can we forget it ?
I'm 25% bloody enemy !! My family of course are having great fun with this news ,, Of all the people in the world it had to be ME, the Scot Nat .,., Jesus, I'll never live this down ,, In they come whistling the National Anthem, asking me to change the TV to Sky Sports Cricket ,, even bought me a bloody Union Jack hat for Christ's sake ,,,
My mate Steve ,, the Englisher I take great pleasure in beating at golf in our weekly "Auld Enemies" game also happened by for a visit when this dreadful news broke and is beside himself .,., giggling like a loon while still drinking MY booze. Hey Dougie, you could have played for the England footie team if we'd known this earlier !! Are you going to organise a street party for the Royal wedding Doug ,,, The wife is threatening divorce !
The one burning question in my head is ,,, WHY didn't my old man tell me this ,, that his Ma was English as were the multitude of aunts, uncles & cousins this woman gave us ,,, her sisters & brothers are all bloody foreign as well ! He kept this obviously distasteful info to himself for all his 74-years ,,
I now feel like an Alien in my own beloved Scotland .,.,
What to do ?,,
I'm away to see if my head fits the oven !

A Short but Funny Wee Tale from the Bedroom !

2011-04-01T11:09:00.001+01:00

I've developed a shake !
Another of the dreaeded "Side Effects" I guess ,, you'll notice there's never any mention of "front effects" or "back efffects" ,, It's always side effects !
Anyway this "shake" takes the form of a short duration but quite violent & uncontrollable twitching of the foot ! ( generally only one at any given time ? )
Unusually for me, :-( I was having a wee moan about this after it woke me with a start in bed .,.,
"Bloody pills" I muttered in the B-loved's ear .,., "must talk to the Doc about how to get rid of this ...."
God bless her quick wit,.,.,. in a flash, at 3-am she turned and looked at me and said .,.,.,
Och, Away and join Riverdance !
A hearty slap on the butt and we were both in tears of laughter again .,.,
It's becoming a night time tonic, this middle of the night giggling :-)

The Scudder's Back !

2011-03-20T12:34:00.000Z

My friend from the East set me off again ,, thinking, and that's not always a good thing !

I would like some Politician to answer the following questions / statements of facts ... IF THEY CAN !
What idiot brain box ( or was it a Government "Think-Tank" ? ) thought it was a good idea to price our students out of University ? Can you imagine having a noose round your neck to the tune of approx. £70 grand ( including bank Interest ! ) 'til you're in your 50's .,., what chance a mortgage, kids, ( with no chance of a UNI placement of course !! ) as well ??
This has simply put a Uni education beyond most folks ,,, not, of course those same politico families, foreign despots weans and maybe Mafia God Father's offspring !
OK, tell me why DUMBING down our country even further is a good idea ?

Here's another joke that I can't quite get ! How come if we are going thro' the worst recession in the last 50-years or so, can we always find £BILLIONS to send in aid to any foreign outstreached hand ??
We give money to so called 3rd. world countries who are nowadays better off than us ,,, For example we still hand out aid to China who are currently building the worlds fastest, most advanced passenger train service .,.,., India ,, not only do we give them money, but all our jobs too ,, and even train them to do them ( badly ! ) We've been pouring cash into Africa for the past 30-years ( at least ).,., anybody ever see these Africans doing any work with our money ?? you know, building housing, roads, schools etc ,,, NOPE, me neither , but boy are they great at sitting about on their lazy arses with the pair mooth look .,.,., Oh aye, and all these poor aids infected weans ( on average it looks like about 8 per family !! ) So now at least we know what work they're good at ,,, BUT I'd rather they did that on their own cash rather than mine ! More hard graft building up their country's infrastructure & less shagging might help ?
And we further support these people with obscene £Millions every bloody Red Nose Year !!.,., while our own British Poor are getting poorer !

And still talking recession .,., why don't we ever get a Government with the balls needed to simply put a STOP to the bankers ( that we bailed out ! ) paying themselves criminally excessive salaries .,., and bonuses should not be allowed 'til they've paid us all back for our loan ? What's difficult in that ?

Then there's the highest taxed petrol in the civilsed world ! Incompetent, greedy, useless Politicos again .,.,
These petrol tax levels are obscene and MUST be changed ,, DOWN !!
Why not use the African / Indian / Chinese aid money to reduce OUR home TAXES ??
Or maybe ( again a proper Government required unfortunately ) our football clubs should never be allowed to be owned by foreign rich people .,., and for Christ's sake get a ceiling ( and I mean hugely lower, sensible wages consistent with the ability to kick a ball two or three days a week ! ) on daft wee boy footie players earning 10-times what the bloody Prime Minister earns ! And while we're on the subject, why are all our teams using ptractically exclusively FOREIGN players .,., This is sure doing wonders for our home International teams .,., NOT ! Get these immigrant players back to a max. of two or three per team.

I could go on ( and probably will later ! ) but for now I'm off to watch the cup final !
But one last very serious thought / comment .,.,
If I was a younger man there's only one thing I'd consider doing in this country .,.,
and that's EMIGRATE !

Strange Experiences ?

2011-03-20T10:34:00.000Z

Had a strange wee experience last night in bed !!
My dodgy stomach started on one of its long rumbles ,,, nothing painful, just noisy !
The rumble rolled round my lower intestines and up past my left side kidney, over the liver and finally down to my heart ,,,,, ( see how I've learned where stuff is located in there :).
At this point the noise stopped abruptly and I swear I heard this .,.,., in a wee Glesca punter voice .,
My heart actually spoke to me ,, It said Hello ,, a wee up on the hel and down on the lo .,., It was so clear and unmistakably a voice that I actually looked over to make sure the beloved was sound asleep before I ANSWERED !! I said Hello back .,., Am I losing it ??

So while we're on the subject, the last two / three weeks have been bad ones .,., firstly a nasty little chest infection ( treated with antibiotics ) delayed my Chemo session by a week ,, the anti B's loosened my already loose bowels so I countered with loads of Imodium ( as directed by my local GP )
All the while the pain in my gut was getting steadily worse .,., The Imodium finally did the trick after about a week ,,, However I then went into a constipation week ,, which was even worse on the gut pain .,.,
Now, to the point of this wee tale .,., At about the same time as the loose / tight bowels started I felt a funny pins & needles / numb feeling .,., wait for it ,, on the outside of my left arm, just above the elbow !
A very odd sensation indeed but again not painful, just kinda dead, numb to the touch ,, Oh and itchy .,., that's what brought it to my attention in the first place ,,scratching it but not feeling it ?
Anyway, here's the strange bit ! Immediately following the cure of the constipation ( achieved by drinking the awful Movicol for a few days ) and blast off was resumed, the numb feeling disappeared ????
This puts a whole new slant on the old saying, commented the beloved in bed that night ,, leaving both of us giggling like a pair of old loonies .,., in her own inimitable way she told me ,,,
I always knew you didn't know your arse from your elbow !!

Dusk 'til Dawn SCREAMING !

2011-03-05T13:08:00.004Z

I had a wee bit of a bad week last week ,,, just the " normal these days " sore stomach, more loo visits, lack of energy, unable to sleep etc ,, On one such night, when sleep just wouldn't come I finally got up and came downstairs ,, around 4am .,. my easy chair in the living room has proved much better to get off to sleep in than the bed of late !

However, prior to sleep came a poem ,, my first ! Words I just couldn't move out of my head 'til I had written them down ,,, It almost describes how I was feeling that night / morning !

Can't sleep

Can't waken

Can't dream

I so want to SCREAM !

Can't disturb the bed
And all it contains
The beloved needs rest
SHE carries no blame
Oh, to just SCREAM ...

Make her believe
We can't go together
We never could
That's a lovely but insane "dream"
You do it for me my love when it's time to SCREAM ...

But ... Can still think
Can still need
Can still weep
Can still love
But still can't SCREAM

Dreaded disease
Wrecks the body
Transgresses the brain
This thing's not over, we fight to the end
Arghhh ... must soon SCREAM ...

The pain can be hellish
But chemo is king
He's going to win
Have to believe
Can't conceive
Of emptiness & nothing
Arghhhhhh I'm SCREAMING ( inside.)

The hands & the feet
Tingling & shocked
The face too but worse
Walking into the Spider's web
The face melts to ice
Oh I NEED to SCREAM

Loving my children,
Their children too
Is all that I need
To see this thing through
This Nightmare of SCREAMING

Happiness & rage
They're almost the same
I know which I'll choose
On that last page
With another silent SCREAM

A friend's Champagne
Lies still in the fridge
Maybe we'll drink it together
To celebrate an end
Then we can SCREAM ( in joy ? )

A father might lose
This fight to the death
Won't be forgotten
Left happiness behind

Together now .,., Let's all SCREAM

But I WILL SCREAM with outrage

On that fateful day

I'll cling on to still being ...

Alive and hey,

I'm SCREAM ING ... out LOUD !

A Solution to all our ails ?

2011-01-31T12:33:00.001Z

This actualy makes bloody good sense to me !
How about we all pass it on to all our MP’s ??
Needless to say I already have !
Go for it y'all !

Dear Mr. Cameron,
Please find below our suggestions for fixing Britain's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks & bankers who will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, why not try the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan for Britain :

There are approx. 10 million people over 50 STILL in the work force. ( aye & most against their will ! )
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations :

1) They MUST retire. ( Ha, as if they wouldn't ! )
Ten million job openings immediately available - unemployment .,.,.,fixed !

2) They MUST buy a new BRITISH car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry.,.,., fixed !

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis .,.,., ( what housing crisis ? ) It's now fixed !

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate .,., fixed ! ( or at least significantly improved ? )

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol / tobacco a week. ( Mmmmm, not quite so sure about this one ! ) but there's your money back in duty / tax etc ?!

6) Finally instead of pussy-footing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.
It can't get any easier than that, can it ?

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances ! ( plus appropriate FINES ! )

Anyone else think this will work ?
Good !.,., Then send it to your local & Euro MP's & watch their responses .,., and you'll then know what to do at the next election ?
The people of Britain have spoken !

Eulogy for a dear WeeThing

2011-01-29T10:42:00.004Z

I can't believe it .,., I don't want to believe it .,., but alas I know it's true. I spoke to her hubby on the phone last night.
My wee cousie Anne down under in NZ had a massive heart attack and died suddenly on Friday morning.
I was talking to her only 2-days before ,,, My daughter was talking to her yesterday .,., She was fine ,, her usual happy wee self .,., in fact inviting my daughter, her man and their 5-kids to come to NZ for a long holiday ,, she even offered to rent a caravan and put in her garden if there wasn't enough room for all of them in the house.
That's the kind of person wee Anne was ,, very outgoing, generous to a fault and a lovable wee rougue .,., Well I loved her, her man Tommy loved her and her masses of kids, grandkids and great grandkids all loved her.
I got a phone call on Frid. morning from her older brother Adam, also resident in NZ ,, I was on the golf course, on the tee and ready to drive when my mobile started vibrating in my pocket .,., I checked the screen only to see "Number Witheld". I was annoyed ,, probably some bugger wanting to sell me some damned thing or other .,., I ignored it .,., Immediately I put it back in my pocket it started ringing again ! So I answered, rather reluctantly & abruptly I must confess .,., "Who is this .,., what do you want.,., I'm busy" I jumped in with that before listening to a word !! Then I heard Adam's voice ,, I knew it straight away although him & I don't talk often ,, I also knew then somehow, immediately ,, that something had happened to Anne ,, But this ,, dead, when only two nights before she was doing everything she could to help me fight my diseased body ,, even offered if she could to come & take some of my Chemo doses for me !! Crazy wee wuman ! But you see what I mean ,, she was just like that ,, and she loved me you see.
She left these shores, under something of a cloud I have to say, as a 17 /18 year old ( pregnant to an almost stranger ) The family all having gone the year previously .,., she was meant to go then too but turned up at my mother's door late one night sobbing and asking to stay ,,, we quickly discovered why !
A baby on the way and a mind in chaos .,.,
So she stayed with us for about a year. Anne & I were always close ,, and during that year became lifelong buddies, sharing all manner of secrets. We both cried when she finally plucked up the courage to go with her no longer stranger but new hubby ( Oh and pregnant for the 2nd. time ! ) & face the family down under.
We swore we'd write to one another every week !
We probably wrote two letters after that parting and then nothing ,,, for maybe about 25 / 30 years ! ( other than the obligatory Xmas cards ) We then found one another again and proceeded to write virtual books every two or three weeks ,, I'm talking epic letters here ,, never less than about 30 / 40 pages .,., they were great ( well apart from her spelling which was truly atrocious & her grammar which was non existent ) but they were fun to decipher & read !
Later we went hi-tech and word processor letters were the order of the day .,.,., ( her typing was a bit iffy too )
Finally we went Skype and stopped writing in favour of the free computer web cam & telephone system at our respective desks. We talked on average once every week ,,
God but I'm gonna miss seeing her wee face and her cheery "Hullo" popping up on my screen.
It's only been a day but I still find it hard to take in !
Tommy, the hubby that we all said would never last, was still there and mad about her some 45 years later !
A good guy Tom turned out to be ( hey and a golfer of no mean stature )
Anne & her big sister Mary came all the way from NZ for our son's wedding .,., they stayed with us for about 6-weeks and we got to know one another all over again ,, in the flesh so to speak !
Tom also came visiting and we played some golf together, a real nice guy when I got to know him properly.
I would go to her funeral if I could but .,., she wouldn't thank me for coming now since she tried unsuccessfully for years to get us to go there for a holiday, and there's simply no way I can interrupt my Chemo sessions which still have 3 months to go.
But my thoughts will be there every minute of that day .,
Goodbye dear WeeThing .,.,I'll miss you 'till my dying day.
R.I.P

The Real Talent

2011-01-15T11:13:00.002Z

Writers are the real deal ,,, always have been ! ( well with the exception of course of the SOAP writers !! ) Actors, comedians, so-called Celebs ! As a rule they do nothing other than interpret what the real talent have written for them.
Take the acting fraternity ,, now I do admit some very fine actors can & do do their stuff but without the real deal they too would be nothing ! The Shakespeares, the Chekhovs, the Virginia Woolfs, never felt a need to "act" .,., just to write.
Next take an example of the Comedians, Bob Hope, one of the old school non writing comics..he had a team of some 50 ( yeah Fifty ! ) full time, paid for, writers working round the clock producing ALL his funniest lines ! All Hope really ever had was perhaps a funny face ? He went way down in my estimation many years ago, when I learned that his team wrote his every utterance .,., sad really ?
But then again Bob's work was at least not littered by bad taste & gutter swearing just for the shock value like today's "alternative" writer comics .,., Go learn your trade people !
Now as for the so-called celebs in our sick society .,., least said about this scum, the better !
Daily doses of Simon, I'll tell you what !! ( yuk ) Cowell, Jordan ( a beauty ???? .,., in whose dim eyes for Christ's sake ,, bloody plastic rubbish ? ) etc, etc, just make me want to throw up .,., Why, oh why do we pay these insignificant piss artist tossers money to annoy us ?  Go away & get a proper job you lot !
There is also other genuine talent of course .,., the proper artists ,, painters ,, now here again we have some real talent ,,( but some real chancers too of course ! )
But, like words, some artistic canvasses can move you to tears.
The Musicians ,, music is my first love .,., But would turn this blog into a Blook to list all my musical influences & favourites !
But please, please let's get rid of all this NON Talent ?

Love is indeed a many splendored thing !

2011-01-12T10:58:00.004Z

Love is a many-splendored thing,
It's the April rose that only grows in the early spring,
Love is nature's way of giving a reason to be living,
The golden crown that makes a man a king.
Once on a high and windy hill,
In the morning mist two lovers kissed and the world stood still,
Then your fingers touched my silent heart and taught it how to sing,
Yes, true love's a many-splendored thing.

Oh & just before all you spell check freaks start firing daggers ,, this is the original bastardised USA spelling as written by the composer / lyricist and as used on the film title & dozens of cover recordings .,., the truly awful "Splendored" .,.,

  Yeah, this is going to be another of my more maudlin blogs I'm afraid. You can tell, I'm sure, from the very title ! But have no fear .,.,The fun filled, angry, ranting Dougie will return ,, but not today.

My love for my own dearly beloved , for my daughter, my son ,,, their love for me is truly inspiring !
Being diagnosed recently and given a very limited time prognosis sure as hell brings the mind into sharp focus ,, or melting despair of course, depending on your outlook !
I have never been one to melt, give up without a fight ,, so I'll never ask the age old question "Why me" for isn't that just a another selfish way of saying " why not you ? or one of the other 3 likely candidates ( they say 1 in 4 of us will contract this dreadful disease during our lifetime ,, so that's why it's me ,, I was simply the 1 in my 4 ! )
Nor will I fear dying ,, I was told once ( no, more than once ! ) by a dear old friend "Never be afraid of dying Dougie" for greater things will come after death. But then again he has "the religion" .,., I don't, but still I have no real fear for myself. My worry is watching my loved ones go thro' hell on a daily basis when I have no means of helping their pain, other maybe than to keep on smiling? My wonderful wife is dying inside but tries not to show it .,., her pain affects me almost worse than my own. And I worry too that I won't be here to help her when her time comes ,, I won't have that pain ,, My children, I can actually feel their love for me coursing thro' my body with every hug & kiss. It's lovely but it hurts seeing them suffer.
My son weighed in initially before I was deemed inoperable with a " how much will it cost to go Private and quicker ,, I'll give you a part of my liver Dad, and a kidney ",,, My daughter too has similar thoughts I suspect and living closer comes up with dinners and hugs on a daily basis. These gestures of giving were never on the cards ( well never on mine ). These guys have families of their own to look after .,., I'm happy to become a loved memory ,, but not too soon ,, the Chemo appears to be working well so who knows what extra time I'm buying myself ? Hey, I've got a bedroom still to decorate !
My son Derek, on Xmas day came round the table and stood hugging me from behind, as I sat on the dining room chair, having put on a favourite song of ours ,, The Proclaimers singing their "Act of Remembrance" , written with great love for their late dad. Both my son & myself listened thro' tear filled eyes but I think I put a smile back on his face when I asked the question ,," Should I no' be deid before you sing your Act of Remembrance " for me ?
I know I diversify a little here, but along the same lines, I was devastated when Phyl left her 1st. hubby André after what seemed a lifetime .,., some 15-years and 3 kids ,,, gutted for her, the kids and André.  However, some 5 years later Phyl is happily remarried and has two more children and is most definitely back to her old happy-go-loving self .,., her new man Thomas has been a God send .,., I thanked him only recently for giving us back our daughter !
But Andre, he hasn't moved on one iota .,., his problem is that although "apparently married" again too ( to a young Chinese girl he met on an internet chat ( up ? ) site ) he obviously still loves Phyl .,., ( now that pain I could not live with ) only recently asking her to meet over coffee to discuss how her new man ( the family stealing bastard he calls him ) has destroyed both their lives !!
But now I'm afraid the love we all had for André has turned to its close companion ,, well maybe not quite hate for he is and always will be my dear grand kids dad ,, but certainly loathing for the way he treats my daughter, and now more especially his children.  A true loving dad he isn't !

But getting back to my subject of love ,,, I would simply like to finish by saying ,,
What a gal I chose all those years ago, and boy did we make two of the finest kids ever ?
And what have they gone & done ?.,.,
They've only given us the 7 most wonderful, gorgeous grand kids that any grand parents could ever desire.
Love is, indeed a many splendored thing .,., long may it continue.

The Blogger's Block !

2011-01-10T10:44:00.001Z

Yep, that's right .,., I've got it ! .,., the dreaded Blogger's block .,.,
Can't think of a bloody thing to say .,., about anything !
Not like me at all ,,
I guess the brain is now failing too ?
Or maybe it's the bloody weather ,, or lack of ,,,
My golf course has now been CLOSED for weeks on end .,., How the hell am I supposed to stay fit ?
Putting on the lobby carpet can do only so much for your putting stroke, but bugger all for your fitness ,,
I'm gonna have to go out somewhere today just to see if the legs still work !
And that will most probably mean the shops .,. Yawn .,., ipsofacto, the beloved will no doubt run up yet another unnecessary food bill !
I suppose I could read another book .,., play with my new mobile phone, or watch more golf on the telly ?
Christ, can life get any more exciting ???

A'm Thinkin' !

2011-01-04T10:07:00.002Z

It's been a while since I last posted onydamnedthing oan ma blog !
A seem tae huv dried up .... the write juices huv stopped flowin' !
A'm actually huvin' a helluva time right now concentratin' on anything !
A'm thinkin' aw yon drugs are bitin' at ma bum !!
A'm tryin' no' tae be too morbid aboot the possible outcome o' ma wee problem but the odd thought just flits intae ma brain .,., sometimes it even makes me laugh !
Here's wan that makes me baith laugh & greet ! .,.,.,
I wis wonderin' this past week.,., dae deid people miss them that's left behind, wance they're deid ?
I'd like tae think that they dae ,, 'cause ther's some folks a'm really gonna miss .,., but then again ,,, I know I'm bein' a we bit daft here, um a no' ? But a'm boy'd up wi' the thought that I know these same folks will miss me !
But am still askin' .,., WHY should only the livin' get tae miss them that's gone awa ?
That's a guid question Dougie .,., intit ? Aye ,,,
And talking o' wa's .,.,., that's whit happened to wee Prince Cherlie wisn't it ? ..,
Turned intae bricks & mortar the wee effeminate Prince .,., for isn't it said .,.,
Prince Cherlie's noo a wa' !!

Diary of The Killer ( and I don't mean Jerry Lee Lewis ! )

2010-12-21T10:37:00.005Z

It all started with what I thought was a bad Chinese take-away in Aug.
Next morning I had bad stomach cramps and diarrhoea .,., and diarrhoea .,., and diarrhoea !
A week or so later when some blood started to show I went to see the Doc.
He said it might be the booze or the food resulting in an infection or blockage in the gut ,, but with the change in my normal bowel habits he decided I needed a check out at his friend's colonoscopy den !
That's the very invasive, not to mention humiliating camera up the bum job ( no pun intended ! )

Mid way through this procedure they stopped ,,, couldn't get the camera past a "suspicious" blockage right at the entrance to the colon .,., so they took some sample biopsies and sent me home.
The next few days were like living in some kind of dream state.
A few days after that they told me I had cancerous cells.
I thought ,,, Bloody Hell ... ( Aye well it was something like that I thought ! ) Must have been bad earlier in my life I guess ?
Next step, a full body CAT scan to check deeper and more accurately for any spread !
If nothing else showed up they would be able to do a "simple" op to cut this growth out and re join my colon ,, a complete cure !
However, a whole new ball game started a week later when I was told the cancer had spread via intestinal lymph glands to my liver. Another scan was immediately ordered ,, a PET scan this time with the radio active dye etc. to show even more detail .,.,., ( why wasn't this done in the first place I wonder ? )
The waiting, firstly from the colonoscopy, then the Cat scan and now the PET scan was horrendous ,,, not knowing what lies just round that corner you can see up ahead. My beloved is a nervous wreck ,, I can't say I'm looking forward to any of the next month or two either ,, but if a cure is on the cards ,, then Bring it on !
So after much hanging around in hospital waiting rooms etc, I finally met my Consultant ,, the guy with the results of the cat scan / pet scan and who will decide my future ( assuming I have one ? )
As I feared, things have now gone from bad to much worse.
The cancer has indeed now spread even more ,, firstly from the colon ( bowel ) to the lymph glands in my intestines and to the liver. Now it's migrated to my kidneys, lungs & chest cavity ( I think my big toe has escaped ,, so far !! ) Jesus H.Christ I thought .,., ( well actually no, it was nothing like that I thought ! ) Must have been real bad in a previous life too !
There is now NO Cure .,., the disease is Inoperable so I have only one shot left and that's the dreaded Chemo, maybe later followed by the Radio, therapies ! This will hopefully slow down or even shrink and reverse the cancer but is not a cure ,, just a holding ploy.
The medics tell me this is worth a shot since I am fit & relatively healthy otherwise !! Eh ?? It might just buy me some months ,, many months possibly ,,, there have been a few cases like mine who've lasted 2 to 5-years !! Woop-de-effing-do as they say !
As you can imagine this has kinda taken the wind from my sails just a little ,, for I still feel pretty well fine ,, still playing golf every other day and eating ok, etc ,, although this last week has been a bit worse, stomach pain & diarrhoea wise .,., this seems to be because I have had a stent fitted in my colon to open up the blockage a bit and ( sorry about this "too much info" ) about a year's worth of waste has now found a way out !! The sore stomach & frequent trips to the loo are now taking their toll .,.,
However, I absolutely refuse to lie down and waste what time I might have left .,., They won't put it any anything better than "some months" .,.,., I want to enjoy and carry on as normal as possible ,,, so for now it’s a case of .,.,., Breathe In .,., breathe Out .,., Now Repeat as Often as Possible ! ( with apologies to Scottish Nature Boy )
The Big fight is on .,.,It's the Scudder Vs Big C ,, but my money's on ME !
Updates will follow on this blog as I learn more.
But for now Chemo start day is Tues. 9th. Nov. ( Can't say I'm looking forward to this at all ! )

Ok, I've now done the first week of Chemo .,., Jesus ! Don't let anyone ever tell you this is a doddle !! Don't think I've had a worse 7-days in this lifetime ,,, ever ! In fact I'm sure it's been a month ,, not a week !
I'm on something like 30-odd pills a day ,, yeah, every day !! Chemo pills, diarrhoea pills, sickness pills, & on & on ,,,,
Appetite has now almost completely gone ,, have lost about 2-stones in weight ,, have suffered light headedness, dizzy spells, panic attacks, headaches, ,, you name it ,, pain ,, oh yeah pain ,,, & more pain ,,, & not a bit of energy for anything !! Then there's the dreaded pins & needles ( the medics call it hand & foot syndrome ! ) it's more like insane asylum electric shock treatment !
There is simply no way you can get your hands ( or feet ) cold on Chemo ... or these P's & N's are your punishment .. don't ever stick a hand in the fridge or freezer they tell you ,,, ( so you try it anyway don't you ,, just to see what they mean ! ) Jesus H. Christ ( Aye HIM again !! ) It's like your fingers suddenly turn to stone ,, you're absolutely convinced they will break off at the slightest touch ,,, don't touch that cold water tap ,, or the cold water ,, or a metal door handle ,, go nowhere without your thermal gloves ,, scarf round your face ,, ( yeah it gets the pins & needles treatment too ) long johns, hat, multi layers of clothes .... I feel like Nanuk of the bloody North when I attempt to go out the door !

Session 2 Week 2 ,, now 7-days into session 2 and good ,,, well not great but certainly a lot more on this planet than I was with session 1 .,., session 1 had me almost observing myself from a far distant place ,, but this time round I'm more in control ,, more "with it " as we old rockers used to say in the 60's !!
God, don't tell me your body actually gets used to this poisoning ??
Actually I think not ,, but the hospital said that each session would be harder ,, take longer to get over ,, so I'm guessing that after the fitting of my colon stent and the dire after effects of that, that I simply wasn't well enough to have got that first session ,,, ( they too now confirm this was probably the case ! )
Anyway, this time round I've even managed out for 13-holes of golf ( should have stopped at 9 but ,,,, ) and I've done a couple of trips out with the camera ,, but oh the cold ,,, another so called common "side effect " is the chest pain ,, described as "Angina like" ,, heavy, crushing weight on the chest ,, this happens in extreme cold and can take a long time to go away ,,, not a nice feeling at all ,,, even just getting out of a hot shower and into the colder air can produce this effect !
But ,,, Then there's the positives .,., What a brilliant family and bunch of friends I've got ,, You don't really know 'til adversity hits just how fantastic it is to have good, loyal and wonderful friends .,., and I mean even folks out there on the fringe of my friends list .,., golf buddies from visiting clubs for example ,, as I've said before ,, I may be marching out of this world sooner than I'd hoped or planned but I'm not going alone .,., that's for sure ,, I have the best bunch walking with me all the way there !

Session 3 Day 2 Well yesterday was a bit of a bastard ! The infusion was upped and I was also infused with firstly a flush and then some anti-sickness stuff ! The chemo infusion wouldn't flow ,, vein apparently not FAT enough !! ( must be all the weight I've lost ? ) so they had to re-do the needle ,, out of the right hand and into the left ( these punctures in the back of the hand are sore ! and leave the whole arm feeling very painful for days after ,, ) Anyway the end result was that the 2-hour infusuion took 3 and a half ! and left me like a zombie for the rest of the day ... But today, only some 18-hours later I feel not too bad at all.
However, now there appears to be a little good news on the horizon folks .,.,
My Xmas pressie from the Oncologist perhaps ?.,., but definitely the very 1st. positive word I've had since I first attended Hairmyers !
My weight has gone up ,, some 3 Kgs( approx 6 and a half lbs. ) which is good !
My CEA blood count has gone down ??!! which is very good ,,,
My eating, general activity levels are much improved ( as are the bowel motions ! sorry too much info again there ) and they tell me therefore that they "THINK" my Chemo is WORKING !
Notice they won't actually commit to anything .,., so I'm now to have a CAT scan in the near future to confirm all this.
After only 2 sessions of the planned 8 this has got to be encouraging ( I think ! ) so I might just be winning this 1st.battle ,, how many extra "months" it might buy me, no one yet knows but it's certainly better news than the alternative !
I'll add to this blog as stuff happens but for now y'all know as much as me !
Please keep all fingers / toes and any other stuff you can cross, crossed for me .,., ta much !

OK Update #1 ....
Had the CAT scan yesterday ( 6/1/11 ) but naturally, with over 150 sliced images to check thro' they couldn't give me the results at my follow on meeting with my Oncologist ( notice the Oncologist is MINE ,, even if it is a different bloody Doc I see each visit ! ) Anyway this guy did get up the old scan pics and had a quick look at a very few of the new ones .,.,., the liver tumour is about the same ,, ( I personally thought it was very slightly smaller ), but the bowel one couldn't be seen since the pic chosen to view was obscured by the presence of the now installed stent ,,, but it hopefully hasn't grown or it would be sticking out around the stent ? Anyway that's all they could see quickly but it does indicate that the tumour(s) have not grown any since Sept. which is great news .,., They are therefore happy to proceed with all 8-Chemo sessions .,., again good news ( so long as it's not you getting the chemo !" )
So it looks as though I'm gonna get at least one more birthday in !!
Update #2 ...
Chemo session 4 started yesterday with the dreaded 3-hour infusion ... For the rest of the day I was truly f****d ! This infusion bit gets harder with each session ,, It really is a bugger. But what can I do ,, in the grand scheme of things it seems to be working and better than they could ever have imagined according to my own GP, so I simply MUST hang in there and just do it ! It could give me a lot more time with my loved ones ( hopefully .,., for I'd hate to be going thro' this for an extra week or two ! )

Update #3
I've now had the meeting to discuss the results of that Cat scan done early Jan. .,.,
I was alarmed immediately when introduced to the head honcho Oncologist ,, the wuman running the entire show ,, one Doc. Dunn .,.,, I thought, naturally ? if she herself wanted to see me that perhaps the news wasn't so good. When I sat down and she asked me how I was .,., I quickly fired the question back at her ,, "You tell me Doc ,, how am I ?"
Well she said ,, the results of your recent Cat scan were very good indeed !!
WOW ! A RESULT at last !
Some of the lymph gland tumours are shrinking and others have disappeared altogether she told us ,, and the liver one is slightly shrunk too .,., so all in all about as good a result as I could possibly hope for at this point ( and this after only 3-sessions ! ) so they are definitely carrying on with all all 8 sessions ,, ( woop-de-bloody-doooo ! ) but as I said before if this is buying good time to spend with with my dear, darling wife & our kids & grandkids then Bring it On ! I can take it .,.,.,
However, on a more sober note ,, we have maybe turned a corner, maybe won battle #1 but we've still got a WAR to fight & win !
Session #5 has now happened and again it was sore ,, and took a little longer to recover from than the previous one ,, but that's as I've been told to expect ,,, so it's just a case of losing a couple / three days and then we're back on the mend again ,,, in fact after this session last Tues. I was out on the golf course on the Thurs. and managed 13-holes ,, but obviously not fully recovered for Stevie beat me !!

Deport the Bastard ... NOW !

2010-12-17T11:11:00.003Z

Amy Houston - 12-year-old girl, killed by illegal immigrant, an Iraqi Kurd ( aye well something like that ! ), a known criminal, & driving the killer car without insurance, & who has now been granted permission to stay in this country ! He's called Aso Mohammed Ibrahim ( Aso being very appropriate I thought ! ) & has convictions for drugs possession, burglary, harassment, criminal damage and theft along with a string of driving convictions. Just the sort of immigrant we want in the UK eh, Judge ?

This country's law ( or lack of justice ) has gone too far this time.

This little girl, with her whole life in front of her was killed in 2003. ( why has it taken 'til now to bring this to the public notice ? )
The driver who killed her, who had other criminal activity on his record, should have been deported years ago, but has repeatedly appealed against deportation, & now he has a family with a British woman ( although he doesn't live with them ! ) his deportation has been cancelled.

"His human rights would be impinged if he was sent back to Iraq" .... BULLSHIT ,, & who cares about his human rights anyway ?

How is this acceptable, legally or morally in so called Great Britain ?
Who allows these "human rights" lawyers to practice law in this country ?
This man had no right to be in this country, no insurance or license to drive here .,., he has the criminal record of a habitual scumbag . He's allowed to KILL an innocent child, wreck a family ,,, I could go on, but basically is allowed to stay here. This beggars belief !
I honestly despair for this country at the moment.
I'm so damned angry ! Insensed by this story. His bloody human rights ? Aye, I know what rights he'd have if it had been one of my kids ,,
He'd be on his way back to Iraq .,.,., in a body bag !

What about Amy's human rights ? Murdered by a piece of shit who shouldn't have been in this country in the first place and certainly shouldn't be now.
What about the human rights of her family whose lives have been irrevocably changed by the actions of this murderer ?
As ever, the victims of crime are unimportant nowadays in Britain. ( which of course is no longer great ! ) Like I said before, I just despair for my country.
Bring back JUSTICE !
And Dad ,, buy yourself a gun !

Dreams & not quite awake stuff !

2010-12-16T00:01:00.001Z

Since I started my "treatment" I've noticed a few strange changes ....
One, which I've been meaning to comment on is very odd indeed ,,,
It happens that I quite often have Blog / Book / Blook ideas in the dead of night when sleep is proving difficult ,, or even when seemingly fast asleep ! I've done this for years.
I used to have ideas bursting out of my head in such profusion that I had to get down on paper .,., to wit I generally kept a small notepad & pencil close by the bed.
However this need to write this stuff down ( for by morning it would simply be gone, for ever forgotten ,, that's an age thing ! ) has taken a dramatic turn ,,,
Now, instead of needing to get up & get this stuff onto paper I have developed the habit of writing it ,, there & then ! I can feel myself writing the words wherever my hand happens to be ,, on the pillow, the beloved's back ,, anywhere ,, and I can't stop myself from doing it ,, I simply must finish every word ,, it's the strangest sensation ,, I know I'm doing it but can't stop myself ? And the handwriting has to be just so ,, I can actually see myself dotting every "i" and crossing every "t" ...
Can anyone explain this phenomenon ?

I still find it hard to believe.

2010-12-09T12:29:00.003Z

John Winston Lennon, dead these 30-years now and still it hurts.

I couldn't take it in then and I still can't ,, not really.

How can someone capable of writing such wonderful music be dead ?
John could be an arse at times ,, a real arse ! ... but hey, can't we all ?
He was a contradition of himself ,, one minute brash, tough & cynical, the next soft, vulnerable and totally insecure. But John could ( and still can ) take you to places you'd maybe rather not go ,,, places too dark and painful, but places we all have to visit at some point in life ,.,.,
AND, make you happy that you'd been there with him.
He wrote songs for his wife, his son, the world ,,, songs that will last many, many lifetimes.
I chose Wed. 8th. Dec. to start reading Phillip Norman's biography " John Lennon, The Life "naturally, since the date is permenently etched on my heart.
Nornan wrote the definitive bio on the Beatles, the Rolling Stones & Buddy Holly among others and he's a master of his trade.
This book, The Life, is one I've had in my possession now for a year or two and wanted to read but somehow felt a need to do it only now.
It's a compulsive read.
I can't recommend it highly enough.
Go on, you know you want to ! Even buy it for yourself if you have to.

Why oh Why can Britain NEVER get it right ?

2010-12-02T20:56:00.015Z

Here we bloody go again ,,, a wee bit of winter snow ,, yeah, surprise, surprise, it's winter again and guess what ,, it's cauld, it's snowing, we have blizzards .,., aye but we, unlike all the other really cold countries in the world can't seem to get to grips with the fact that this happens EVERY BLOODY YEAR, anytime between Nov. & about March, and we again end up in a paralysed land, the country losing money hand over fist ,,, like we can afford that !
No planes flying, no trains, no buses, not a sensible motorist in sight ,, Not a snow chain to be seen ? WHY ???
What's the matter with this country, this government, these councils .,.,., They even sit about boasting now that they have enough salt etc, to keep the roads clear but then don't actually have the wit to get a gritter truck on the road !! Well have YOU seen any ?
It's just not good enough ,, in fact it's a disgrace ,, Those responsible should be sacked. ( Make that should a MUST ! )
And they've all been on junkets ( at our expense ! ) to see how Canada, Russia, Scandinavia etc, just get the job done and life carries on exactly as normal ,,, snow or no snow ,, No schools need to close, no traffic disruption, no motorists stranded overnight in cold cars, nor passengers in trains ,, flights & bus services still run, and still ON TIME too !
So like I said at the beginning ,, Why can Britain NEVER get it right ???

PS : Oh and just to rub a tad more of that plentiful salt into the misery ,,, did y'all happen to see our ( so called ) NATIONAL News last night ? ( eh for National read BBC English news !! )
Well if you did you'll have noticed that the weather and all it's ramifications re transport, ( lack of ), shops running out of food, garages out of petrol, pensioners dying from hypothermia, etc, got exactly 6-minutes total coverage !! And guess what the BIG story of the day was ,, the one that merited 18-minutes coverage .,.,., Yeah, you got it in one didn't you ?! The englishers abysmal, failed attempt to get some footie competition staged in their back yard in 2018 !! Glad to see they were considered ARROGANT &KNOW-ALLS & were thrown out on the 1st. ballot .,.,., It's all down to your self obsessed media guys ,,, will you never learn ,, The rest of the world doesn't like you !!

Back ( temporarily ) from two weeks visiting HELL !

2010-11-27T12:54:00.001Z

I've been doing very little ,, of anything, for the past two weeks ,,
My first ( and decidedly UN- pleasant ) chemo session is now over & I have my old self back on lovely Planet Earth for a few days until the start of session 2.
As I said, I've done virtually nothing this past two weeks ,, but I have watched & listened to the world going round ,,, mainly via TV unfortunately, for we have such biased, insular TV reporting here in the UK. What ? you don't believe me ,,, go listen to the World news from other countries and see the difference .,., you'll be suprised, but more than that I hope ,, shocked ! )
Some comments then from my weeks away ...
University fees ... I wholeheartedly support the young folks on this one. I mean, how absurd to think in your early 20's that if you can get a job at all, even one with a miserly £21 grand annual salary, that you then owe the Government anything from £30 -£40 grand for the priviledge of working for that degree !! And that before you even think about a roof over your head mortgage . This is SURE to encourage our young school leavers to rush the gates of the local Uni !! NOT.
Christ we'll be charging the Primary school we'ans next !! ( Hey, what am I saying ,, have you seen the cost involved in wee kids school stuff recently ?? .,., and Nursery prices ,, now there's a joke ,, aye, sick joke ! )

The NZ mining disaster :- sadly, knowing what I do about coal mining ( as against the Chilian gold / copper mine ) this always looked like a no win situation. Hopefully these guys were long gone before the 2nd. blast hit them. My heartfelt condolences go out to their people ,,, not a way to die.

Margo McDonald's Euthanasia Bill & the Scottish Parliament .... Again, not a way to die BUT .,.,.,
Should I waste my time commenting on this ? Of course, given my own current diagnosis the bill now has REAL meaning to me on a personal note, but I was never afraid to air my long held view that MERCY killing ( if they must use the K word ) is the only really HUMANE thing to do in such circumstances, and as for assisting someone in those dire straits ,, well how can that possibly be a crime when the act of suicide itself isn't ?? Of couse Politicians have other fish to fry ( aye & jobs to protect !! ) but they MUST sit down and sort out the details, that's that we pay them for !
Anyway, My thinking friend Alistair has covered this subject more than adequately in his Blog and I'd basically be writing the same stuff ,,, so go read Al's ( you'll find him at Crivens, jings and help ma blog .,., and many's a good read you'll also find there. )
I did make a less than serious comment initially ,,, just couldn't resist !!
Dr Johnston McKay spots an unfortunate choice of words on the Church of Scotland press release expressing opposition to Margo MacDonald’s euthanasia legislation, which was debated at the Scottish Parliament last week.
It was headlined: “Minister urges politicians to kill Bill.” Ohhhhh ...sorry !
Of course on a more serious note I fully support my friend's plea to debate this subject to a conclusion ( even more so now as I said with my present diagnosis ! )
It must never be a crime to help someone in such circumstances, just as long as the necessary safeguards are firmly laid down.
As another Blogger friend of ours says ,, most normal folks would support this bill ,, the very wording of this "crime" says it all for me .,., MERCY

Then there's the Referee debacle : Now these guys are in a thankless position ,,, WHY do they do this job anyway ? They make mistakes ,,, weekly, of course they do ,, it's a fast game & they're bound to but surely in the end these mistakes do balance out ?? I find it hard to believe that the whole refereeing establishment are out to get Celtic football club ! And as for that "wee fight waiting to happen " Mr. N. Lennon ,,, well I'm afraid if I'd been the ref. he was F'ing & blinding at on the touchline he'd have gone home with a broken nose ! What a poor example to set our young football supporters he is. Self control son ,,, it's only a game !
And now the SFA in their wisdom bringing in foreign Refs to break the strike ,,, in my day these guys were called Scabs ,, nasty but hey, isn't it nice boys to have the backing of your fellow whistlers ?? What an absolute bloody shower !

I've heard of slow newsdays but ,, hey ?

2010-11-05T11:45:00.002Z

Police in hunt for Smurf who punched Rastafarian at Halloween party !

POLICE are hunting for a Smurf who punched a Rastafarian in the face. ( Aw C'mon ,, it's surely no' that slow a news day ? )
The 21-year-old victim needed four stitches but police have had no luck finding his attacker. ( Whit, 4-whole stitches !! & no luck finding the perpetrator .,.,well there's a surprise ! )
Appealing for information, a Detective Inspector no less, John Dearie said: "I can honestly say it is the first time in nearly 30 years in the force that I have been looking for a suspect who was a Smurf." ( Really dearie ? You need to get out more ! )
The attack happened in the early hours of Monday at a Hallowe'en fancy dress party in the Word Up nightclub in Greenock, Inverclyde. ( Ah Greenock, that explains everything !! )
The Smurfs are small blue creatures ( naw they're no', they're just figments of some idiot children's story book writer's imagination !!, who first featured as cartoons in the Belgian magazine Spirou in 1958. They later appeared in an animated TV series. ( Ah, Belgium ,,, How jolly interesting ! )
Note to editor : If this "journalist" of yours can't find anything more newsworthy than this, then save yourself a salary & fire him / her ! Although a " story " linking both Greenock & Belgium ,, now that's not easy !!

Loneliness

2010-11-02T11:47:00.000Z

James A Froude : We enter the world alone, and we leave the world alone.
Unfortunately I have recently learned that I may be leaving the world sooner than anticipated ( or desired ! ) ,,, BUT,
Let me say right here & now ,, I dispute Froude's oft quoted words ABSOLUTELY !
My mother came with me all the way as I came into this world and over the past few weeks ( if I never knew before ) I now know with complete certainty that I have a batch of friends & beautiful family who will march with me every step of the way and wave me off on my outward journey.
The real terror of dying holds no menace ,, only the worry that one might have to do it alone.
I have no such worries !

Do take a wee Walk on the Wild Side

2010-10-16T18:27:00.003+01:00

I have just spent a wonderful 30-minutes in front of the TV, possibly the funniest 1/2 hour I've had for quite a long time.
I caught this little gem of a programme on BBC1 his ( purely by happenchance ) .,.,
It was called ,, "Walk on the Wild Side" ,,, 5-30pm Sat.
I do hope it's a series & not a one off ! ( Och Shit ! just checked & it is indeed on BBC iPlayer but tonight's episode was #4 ,, of Series 2 !! .,.,
Oh well, I guess that just means I have a lot of iPlayer watching ahead of me !! )
Anyway, now that y'all know it's available on iPlayer I highly recommend you ( my followers ! ) to have a wee look .,.,
I will accept thank-you comments from each & every one .,.,
Go on ,, you know you can't resist a wee goosey, goosey gander ?
Take my word for it initially at least .,.,.,
You WILL want to see this .,., it's hilarious .,., honest !
Enjoy .........

We were only TWO of the 1000 Million !

2010-10-14T10:29:00.000+01:00

Yesterday was a historic day.
Yesterday the beloved & I watched in awe ( & tears ) as the first of the Chilean miners emerged from Hell.
Last night, around 2-am, I witnessed, again with the beloved by my side, the last and possibly the most courageous man of them all, exit from the cage they called The Fenix. He was Luis Urzua, the gaffer, the boss man who steered them through that first nightmare 17-days when the world didn't know if they were alive or dead, and they in turn didn't know if the world would ever find them. He was the Captain of the ship. A leader of extraordinary character, deserving of his country's highest honour. He should have been knighted ( or whatever is the Chilean equivalent ) as he stepped out of that capsule.
A global audience of 1000 million ( yeah one thousand million souls ! ) tuned in to watch this wonderful, magnificent rescue triumph. This was perhaps the greatest spectacle I have ever been privy to ,, a mark of our world finally coming of age as a humanitarian civilisation?
Well done the rescuers ... you guys have restored my faith in humanity.

The Phoenix

2010-10-01T11:55:00.004+01:00

The phoenix (Ancient Greek: Φοῖνιξ, phoínix, Persian: ققنوس, Arabic: العنقاء) is a mythical sacred firebird that can be found in the mythologies of the Persians, Greeks, Romans, Egyptians, Chinese, and (according to Sanchuniathon) Phoenicians.

A phoenix is a mythical bird that is a fire spirit with a colorful plumage and a tail of gold and scarlet (or purple, blue, and green according to some legends). It has a 500 to 1000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again. The new phoenix is destined to live as long as its old self. In some stories, the new phoenix embalms the ashes of its old self in an egg made of myrrh and deposits it in the Egyptian city of Heliopolis (literally "sun-city" in Greek). It is said that the bird's cry is that of a beautiful song. In very few stories they are able to change into people.

For years I spelled this word PHEONIX .,., I was sure my way was correct !
I pronounced it Fee-on-ix ..
I argued with people that PHOENIX was wrong ,,, it just looks wrong ?
And it also sounds wrong ,, I mean ,, for goodness sake .,.,Fo-en-ix ??
Then that Car Sales place started putting up posters all over town !
I consoled myself that they would probably have it wrong ,, after all they were trying to sell the Kia ??
I rested my case.
But time has gone on some and I've done a little more research ....
Oh well ,,, Time, I guess, to finally correct my old school foolishness .,.,
( wonder what numpty English teacher taught me spelling ? but who needs him now ,, Google spell check is King ! )
Buggar !!! Oh, didn't I say ? That's another one I always (used to ) spell wrongly !
:-)

Irn-Bru does it again !

2010-09-23T12:18:00.001+01:00

A frustrated angler ( aren't they all ? ) has come up with a novel way to land more fish ...
He's lacing his bait with Irn-Bru. Hahaha brilliant !

Crawford Griffiths has been fishing since his grandpa taught him when he was a mere nipper !
But he hit a kinda fish-less period recently and began racking his brain for ways to improve his catch.
Crawford said: "I hit on the brainwave of pouring Irn-Bru into my bait of ground-up bread.
Now just how did you come up with that one Crawford ? Maybe a little better bait might have helped .,., ?
I mean, breadcrumbs ?? Or were you just trying for the finished article to pack straight into the box ?
Do you do a batter bait too ?
Anyway, apparently, "The fish just loved it - they were jumping onto the hook." but hey, we all know these fishermen's tall tales !!
"I was repeatedly getting very small fish, and remembered reading that scented or flavoured baits might attract the fish !" ( said Irn-Bru's new Publicity man ! )
So I shared my Irn-Bru with them !!
Wonder if we'll get a new Snowman ad this Xmas ??
He said: "Within two minutes, I caught a three-pound perch, then a two-pounder, a three-and-a-half pounder and finally a four pounder - all on the same day.
Oh aye, right Crawford ,, we know the stories .,., and what size was that one that got away ??
Crawford wrote to Irn-Bru chiefs: "Not only the people of Scotland love their other national drink, but so do the fish."
And did you get the FREE crate of bait supplement Crawfie ? or mibbie a wee job in I-B marketing could be in the offing ?
Oh, wait for it ,,, Irn-Bru's head of marketing Adrian Troy jumped in to test the water too ,,,
"This is a phenomenal idea that I'm sure will go down in Irn-Bru's history books." ( aye and the new fish bait line in the Profit column of your Accounts Ledger ? )
Yep, we're gonna get a new ad for Xmas I'm sure !!

Why do we do it ?

2010-09-23T11:16:00.004+01:00

Britain went gambling mad around 16-years ago with the introduction of the National Lottery.

Since then we have had umpteen ( additional ) versions of this National nonsense, not to mention the myriad of scratch cards, online poker clubs et al encouraging us to throw our money effectively down the pan every time we enter a newsagent's,supermarket or switch on the TV.

The odds, we all know, are totally ridiculous .,., we have as much chance of winning a mega jackpot as we have of taking a trip to Mars ! But still we do it ? Why ?

You know the old adage ,, if you're not in it, you can't win it !! Well patently that's true ,,, BUT c'mon, do we really expect to win ? Why yes, of course we do ! Someone HAS to win every week so why not us ?

My beloved once ( some 8-years ago now ) was ONE number out for a £2.9M payout ,, Her 5-numbers netted her a 2nd. prize payout of £802 .,.,., ( which she spent ,, 5-times over !! )

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ( see photo above )

I waited expectantly after that KNOWING that in only a few weeks she'd get it right & I'd be a Millionairess's best pal ! Alas it's been a helluva long wait and I'm getting weary !

But nevertheless every Wed. & Sat. there I am in the queue for the shop counter handing over my contribution to "Good Causes".

£2496 I've given over these past 16-years ( for I also participate in a weekly golf club syndicate .,., which has also won mere peanuts over the piece !! .,., )

Will I ever learn ?

Eh, Doh !

I've said it before & no doubt will again ,,, and again !

2010-09-22T09:44:00.002+01:00

The Law made me angry again this week !
It was the case of that little fraudster Stefan Dudek who took the Social to the cleaners ,,, to the tune of £65,000 over a period of 18-years. ( that's £300 a month, every month, for all these years ! .,., cheeky, lying, cheating wee bastard ! )
He claimed benefit for, among other things, unemployment & incapacity .,., All the while he was employed as an Everton FC steward and nightclub bouncer and was running 10K half marathons regularly, even saving newspaper cuttings of his achievments !
This is the £65,000 benefit cheat who said : I’m too ill to walk ! ( Aye ye wid be if I was the Law ! )
Dudek dishonestly claimed incapacity benefit and disability living allowance
It took mega hours by the department's investigators, over a period of years, to build up an absolutely stone wall case against him. Dudek was caught as part of a joint operation run by the Department for Work and Pensions and Merseyside police.
He finally admits his guilt in court .,.,
Ye Olde Judge Mark Brown, branded him “a very dishonest person”.
So what sentence does Mr. Brown pass down for robbing you & me of £65 grand over 18-years ? .,.,
12-months in the Pokey .,., yeah, therefore out in 6 ,,, and what fine ? When do we get our money back ??
Well ,,, After the case, fraud operations manager Roy Paul said: “The department will now seek full reimbursement of the money fraudulently obtained. Ha !
Aye but what chance of getting any of it back ??

My guess would be slim or nane !! He's not a rich man ! so he'll probably get away with the money as well !
The sad thing about this is that the establishment, to a man, think they got a "result". The Benefit Dept. investigator said he was pleased with the outcome !!
Whit ! .... Is it me ??

What makes these people tick ?

2010-09-13T12:20:00.001+01:00

I'm reading this morning's newpapers and all I see are stories about DRUGS !
What is it I'm missing here ?
Why are all these people ( young, mid aged & even old ! ) turning to substances which they must know will ultimately destroy them ,, kill them even ?
Are their lives so awful, so unbearably bad that they see no choice ?
Or have they just too much money and not brains enough to make sensible choices as to how to use it ?

There's Ricky ( the Hit Man ) Hatton MBE ,,, boxer of some note, World Champion no less, seemingly nice enough, jovial wee guy, judging by his performances on such Tv shows as Jonathan Ross, Parky and even Loose women !.,., and now drugged up to the eyeballs & wasted, snorting cocaine live on uTube ! Probably lost his Boxing Licence .,., about to enter the infamous Rehab !! Aye, Ricky ,, U- TUBE !!
Before him we had Joe Calzaghe CBE ,, another World Champ boxing legend .,.,another thoroughly nice, fun guy !
Why ? .,., Are the brains of these boxers suffering too much punishment in the ring ?

Then there was the houseful of Dopes in Falkirk ,, Smashed out of their minds on lethal concoctions of mixed drugs & booze. Two of them lay overdosed & dead in a bedroom while the "partying" went on ,, another young female "out of it" according to one of the partygoers was so ill that an ambulance was called .,.,
Too late alas for the bedroom pair who lay unnoticed by their " dazed & confused "so-called" friends ! The death toll may yet be three,,, four if you consider that the dead female was also pregnant !
What possessed her to risk her unborn child even if she had no respect for herself ?
Why ? Why? Why ?.,.,
What do we need to do as Human beings of the Earth to eradicate this woeful waste of people's brains, lives, and families ? There are times when I despair .,.,
Are we seeing the Fall of the Roman Empire all over again ,, but this time on a truly Grand Global scale ????
Maybe it is time to start again ???

An Open Letter to East Ren.Council ( The School Run !! )

2010-09-12T10:13:00.010+01:00

Ok, here's a really stupid wee tale !
My dear daughter was up here visiting the other day ,,,, just a mid day coffee with her two youngest. ( that's numbers 4 & 5 btw ! ,, the non-schoolers ) Aye ok, so maybe she has only herself to blame ? :-)
At around 2-45pm she said she had to get up to the Primary school to pick up her daughter,,( that's we'an number 2 ) and the wee man ( number 3 )
Primary school out-time is 3-00pm
The littlest ( number 5 ! ) was sound asleep on my lap so I told her to go, and pick her up on her return.
Off she went ,,, the Primary school is local and so only 3 or 4 miles from the house. ( each way of course ! )
She was back fairly quickly which I found odd since she has a teenager at High school .,.,
Where was he, I wondered out loud ?
The High school, only a further mile up the road, apparently doesn't disgorge it's pupil mass 'til a full 35-minutes later .,., 3-35pm + teenage chat, meandering time ,, call it 4pm !
Oh and that's Mon, Tues, & Thurs ,,, Wed & Frid disgorge time is 2-45pm !! How convenient !

So at around 3-45pm, still trying to finish that coffee, she was up again & off to collect number 1 at the High school ,,, another 4 or 5 mile trip up the road. ( aye still both ways, for you always need to come back don't you ! )
Back she came to finally finish her coffee at around 4pm ! ( it's almost dinner time now for goodness sake ! )
Earlier in the day she had number 4 at the Council Class Gym Teds ( whatever the hell that is ) ,, seemingly some pre Nursery activity to get them ready for Nursery ! This class goes in at 10-30am & comes out at 11-15am .,., I don't even know where this one is located !!

I've really done this blog upside down or back to front ( must be living in such a stupid Council area ? )
I should have started off with the morning run shouldn't I ?
Ok here goes .,., try following this while you're half asleep !

School in-time I guess is a fairly normal 9am everywhere ?
NOPE ! ... not in East Ren it 'aint !!
High school in is 8-45am ( in fact doors close at 8-43am and getting in after this is a major trauma ,, having to go through a "late procedure" wasting even more time !! )
So for the daughter's household it's all kids up, washed, clothed, teeth brushed, hair combed, fed ( in short ablutioned ! ) and counted into the poeple carrier for 8-30am absolute latest !
Drop off the big one at the furthest away locale ,, the High School, at 8-40am
Next, back down the road to the Primary ,, and numbers 2 & now 3 are ejected into the playground at 8-50am for their 9am start. ( no entry after 9am here either so don't dare be late .,., for any reason ! )
Only a few months ago it also used to include this ( Oh and it will again very soon now for number 4 is about to start Nursery ! ).,.,
Off further down the road and into the Nursery estate, try to find a parking spot without another underslept, growling mother already in it ! Then get the Nursery kid into class, also before 9am ! ( But only in the year immediately prior to school ,, before that it's years of the yet different again nursery time of 12-45 to 3-35pm so she has to miss lunch going and have to wait with the primary kids in the car for 20 minutes outside the Nursery or simultaneously be at both ends of Eastwood since high school and ante-preschool chuck-out is at the same time ( well no one would be daft enough to have nursery and high school kids... would they? ,,, eh well at least 4 that I know of ! )
There's just no rest for wicked mothers !!
And in the same area we have two other Primary options for our kids ,, one comes out at 3-15 pm and the other at 3-30pm !!
How my daughter copes with all this daily organisation AND runs a Business Empire too is beyond me ,,,
I take my hat off to her & her hubby !

Now these education establishments all lie within the control of one Council .,., but you'd never bloody know it would you ?
Talk about Organisational skills ?.,., And they're responsible for teaching our kids !
God save us from the Clever dicks !!
Make life a bit easier for parents / teachers ? ,,, save hours of unnecessary congestion on our local streets ?,,, save the planet for God's sake with less exhaust fumes filing the air ?,, waste less of our precious natural resources ( petrol ) ? Think about a little co-ordination ?
Not on your life .,.,.,
This isn't just any old Council ,, this is East-Ren Council ..
who live in the land of M & S ( aye and NOD ! )
This is the Dafties Cooncil !!
Time not only the parents wrote to them, but all us local grandparents, road users, and simple logical thinking adults !! How about starting to do your job Cooncillors .,., ?
and THINK timetables .,.,? It's not rocket science !
How easy it would be to organise ingoing and outcoming times for all Nursery, Primary & High schools such that Mum had a single run each way with appropriate 5-minute intervals ??
Or am I just too bloody clever for my own good ?

So that's what a Quake looks like !

2010-09-05T10:12:00.003+01:00

Naturally, (despite the best efforts of our isolationist British press ), we finally heard about the massive earthquake in NewZealand's south island yesterday.
Wow, 7.1 on old Mr. Richter's scale is not to be ignored, now is it ?!
The wee cousin and her family all live on NZ's south island ,, so we thought we'd better Skype her to see if all was ok ? Needless to say ,,, no answer ,, power / phone lines down we guessed ?
Although it was about 4am local time when we called ! Oops !!
We did see some pics on Google world news and it looked not too bad !! Well not too bad if you're 12,000 miles away on the other side of the planet !
So we left messages ,, on Skype, on MSN ,, on Facebook etc ,,
Call us when ( and gulp ! .. if ,, ) you can .,.,
Some 4 hours later we got a call ,,, & there she was, the Weeyin, sitting in her dressing gown eating her breakfast & smoking her ciggie as if nothing had happened !
The epicentre was less than 20-miles from her front door, the 2nd city of NZ is in a state of ruin, looters are out snaffling everything they can get their hands on, a National emergency and curfew has been called, buildings are wrecked, sewage water is flooding the streets and our kid is chomping away on her morning cereal !
Her grand-daughter and great-grand-daughter and also her son have moved back into her house temporarily ,, theirs have suffered a bit of superficial damage ,, TV's seemed to be falling off walls in every other home ! but weeAnnie needs her breakie & her fag !
She's telling us, between mouthfuls, of the numerous aftershocks that are still happening ,, some as severe as 5.5 on the R scale .,., aye this always happens she says ! They can go on for days ??
Whit ? I never even knew they had regular eathquakes in NZ ? Och aye, she says, we have them all the time ,, but this is the worst one for more than 80-years.
Well you live & learn eh !
Just as we're discussing this, live on Skype, she suddenly stopped eating and said something like ,,,
Ohhhhhh hang on, here it comes agaaaainnnnn .,., and as we watched, there on the computer screen it was like the world was maybe coming to an abrupt end ! We could actually see her whole room shake, the pictures on the wall looked like they would be on the floor any minute .,., ditto the books in her book case as she held on to her breakfast plate !
Less than a minute later it was all over .,., Wow now that's got to be a first .,., watching a live quake, as it happens !
She then calmly announces that a more severe quake is anticipated in the next 36 hours .,.,
I guess she'll be nailing her plate to the table for that one !! ( & smoking two at a time ? )
So there you have it ,,, isn't Skype a wonderful thing ?,, and all for free too !!
Phew .,.,.,.,
Footnote 2-days later ..... It appears that considerably more damage was done in Christ Church than was originally thought .,. Maybe that's due in part to the ( so far ) 228-separate after shocks they've recorded .,., Yeah, that is what I said ,,, 228 !! Bloody Hell .... and they still expect another BIGGIE tomorrow,.,.,. best estimates put it at 6.1 on the R scale !!
Oh & just for the record she tells me they live on the side of some mountains .,., with a bloody Volcano on top but it too ( like their Quake ! ) has been fairly quiet these past 1000 years or so ,,,, she thinks !!

The Great Climb !

2010-08-29T11:19:00.001+01:00

Yesterday I happened upon BB2 sometime around mid afternoon .
Two guys were climbing what appeared to be an absolutely impossible & at points overhanging, sheer rock face .,., in the wind & rain !!
I watched for only 10-minutes .,., or so it seemed .,., turned out to be maybe 1/2 - 3/4 of an hour or so !
I then went back to watching the footie ( yeah I'm a Saturday intellectual ) .,.,
And after the footie I watched a bit of the golf from Gleneagles ! ( the intellect just pours out of me at weekends ! )
You wonder how the beloved puts up with me don't you ? Yeah, me too !
But she has her own things wat she does too .,.,., :)
Anyway an hour or two later I thought I'd check if the two climbers / madmen were still at it ?
It was maybe 5pm by now .,.,
I watched again for a few minutes .,., aye ok it was maybe about an hour this time .,., Jesus, these guys are either the bravest I've ever seen or completely mental and needing locked up in a secure establishment provided by the State ! ,,, ( my gut feeling tells me it's the latter ! )
It turned out that what I was watching was this .,.,
A spectacular live rock climb broadcast from the daunting overhanging cliff face at Sron Uladail on the Isle of Harris in the Outer Hebrides. Dougie Vipond commentated, while leading climbers, Dave MacLeod and Tim Emmett, attempted a first ascent of an extreme new route, which promised to stretch their physical endurance and skill to the limit. ( I'll say it did ! ) With absolutely no guarantee that they would be able to conquer the route, and the huge physical and technical challenges involved, this promised to be a unique and compelling live event.
And so it turned out to be ! It went on for a further two hours !!
It was absolutely compelling viewing ,, but very, very stressful .,.,
The beloved actually couldn't watch it, it was making her all fluttery and shaky just being in the same room !!
I was now completely hooked and watched 'til the lead man ( Tim ) on stage 4 made it to the top ,,,
Oh boy, What a relief ,,
I had to go and lie down for an hour .,., Phew ,,, what an exhausting day !
But tell you what .,., if you didn't see this, then do have a look .. you can catch it on the BBC iPlayer ,,
I was never attracted to this kind of extreme sporting activity, even when I was young & relatively fit ,, but this is really compelling viewing ,, TV at it's very best .,., I guarantee if you start watching it you'll be hooked within the first 1/2 hour !
And don't blame me if you decide to watch the whole 7-hour climb !!!

This makes me weep just to think about it.

2010-08-27T10:18:00.000+01:00

Some religious leaders tell us that Heaven is just outside the human psyche, our understanding is incapable, we cannot possibly visualise such a wonderful, beautiful place !
And ... If you think you've ever visualised Hell, then think again !

You're 4 miles underground ,, ( that's 21,120 ft ,,) you're trapped in a tiny air space about the size of a small one bedroom flat ,, there are 33 of you ,, most are simply fellow workers but a few are close friends too .,., you have little water and even less food ,,, you've been there 17-days already ,, most of your friends & relatives on the surface assume you're already dead ! ,,
Then CONTACT .,., Elation !
Oh Lord be praised ( or anyone else you might consider your saviour ? )

The men, estimated to have already lost up to 22lbs after surviving those 17 days with only a mouthful or two of tuna, a biscuit and half a glass of milk every 48 hours, have now been warned not to put on too much weight through lack of exercise. Whit ? in 30*+ sweating hot heat .,.,How like ?
A 26" diameter borehole will eventually be dug through to bring them back to the surface so they REALLY need to stay SLIM !!
BUT, and here's the rub ,, they have now ( some days after first contact ) been told that this hole will take some 3-4 MONTHS to dig .,.,.,
The men apparently took this information calmly we are told ,,, but a spokesman said, and I quote !
"a period of depression, anguish and severe malaise could ensue." ,,,, COULD ? Did that idiot say COULD ??? Jesus !!
So now the Agony begins,,

OMG ,,, I can't even begin to think what state of mind these guys will be in by then ?
In an attempt to keep them fit and sane, they have now been given daily tasks such as digging latrines, ( there's a whole other problem in a confined space ! .. 33 guys for 120 days are going to produce a waste mountain down there & no A/C ! ) while they will also be delivered playing cards, dominoes, pens and paper and music to relieve the boredom. ( oh and food & drink of course ! not to mention anti depression medication )
The men, trapped in the San Jose gold and copper mine, have also been sent a video camera so they can record messages for their families above ground.

But think about it ,,, cooped up with virtually nothing to do for 4 months .,., it's the stuff of nightmares ,, your very worst nightmares ! I can't think about it without wanting to weep for them.
You see, I've been deep down various coal mines both here in the Uk & in France .,., a 7 hour shift is bad enough ,, the thought of being stranded down there for a few weeks sends shivers of sheer panic down my spine. For a few months, noooooooooo .,., I doubt I'd ever be sane again.
Nasa have been contacted for help, ,, they have stuff in place for dealing with astraunauts in space for long periods ,, the Chilean navy has been called in to share their experiences of working in submarines, both conditions said to be similar to that of the miners.
Oh no it's not !

There are certain things that happen in life that tear at my soul ,, leave me completely naked and feeling utter wretched despair : fire is one, ( my blog readers will know why ) falling from a great height is another ,,( the Twin Towers was a nightmare with both ,,) seeing anything hurt my wife, my children ,,
But this, this goes to another plane altogether .,.,
God help them ,, I have no religion in me but I will hope & even pray for their survival both physical & mental.

Ah Must be a Doddery Auld Bugger right enough !

2010-08-22T10:41:00.004+01:00

So yesterday I was busily working away ,, in the garden of all places ! ( well it was sunny ! )
Cutting the grass, weeding ( although I'm not actually trusted too far on that chore, having a penchant for pulling up anything that even looks weedish ! but generally isn't ! ) so the beloved is our real family weeder. :)
Anyway I decided I'd "edge" the lawn ( ha, lawn is mibbie a wee bit of a stretch on the imagination here ! ( our little square of front grass )
I got out our strimmer to do this ( having watched the green staff on the golf course the day before making a beautiful job of the bunker grass edges & it looking soooo easy ) ,, I wondered why I hadn't thought of this before always having done this with the edging tool ,, yon wee half moon shaped spade kinda thing !)
By now you might be getting the impression I'm not any kind of "gardener" .,., you'd be correct !
Now this strimmer thing ,,, I've never been able to work it ! 5 seconds and the wee nylon string snaps & another 5 minutes coaxing a new length of "string" out ,, oops it's snapped again ,, what a useless bloody tool !
I'm very careful of course to pull the plug each time I open it up to pull out the next length of "string" !
Well normally I am !!! Yesterday it was really frustrating me ,, I was in & out of it's workings more often than a taxidermist stuffing a big cat !
Then all of a sudden Ouch, ouch, shit ,, bugger ,, awlll ,, the nylon string was whizzing round at 1400 rpm and slicing the back of my hand to ribbons ,, I finally managed to throw it off me but only as far as my leg !!
It then started pulverising my thigh ,, ouch and stuff again ,, Oh that was sore .. but at least I had shorts on so the leg lacerations are minor ( by comparison ! ) I finally kicked the damn thing into submission and a stop as it hit the ground .,., The bloody "string" didn't break this time of course ,,
The back of my hand now looks a bit like something you'd see in the butcher's windae !
Anyway just about this point a nice, presentable, confident young man in a suit, & complete with collar & tie stops by ( jings whit is the world coming to ! ) ,, ,,, clipboard in hand and starts chatting to me about possibly changing my Utilities supplier ,,
Oh bugger off son, I said ,, can't you see I'm busy ? Well says he, you kinda look like you need a wee break ! Cheeky upstart I thinks ! You'll sell me NOTHIN' son ,, besides I've never been known to buy anything from anyone chapping my door cold !
Who are you with currently ? he continued. EDF as it happens ,, and aye, they've been pissing me off for some time now with their funny estimates of how much my monthly D/D constantly seems to need to increase by ,,, ( Naturally I'm always on top of my Gas & Elect usage and know to the penny what my D/D needs to be ,, I frequently explain to them that I bank with my BANK and not with them and I will NOT pay exsessive amounts to keep me in credit for them to use my money ,,
So, I relented and gave the boy a chance to impress me with his undoubtedly cheaper G & E ,,,
And so it turned out to be ,, well for now anyway ! ,, a full third less than I'm currently paying and with two £100 discounts ( one for 12 months only, the other for always & no tied contract for life or anything ,, ) so I finally agreed to change ( the beloved was keen to ditch the FRENCH EDF people too ,, remember the daughter's ex was French !! )
The boy turned out to be a fellow Golfer, which of course did his sales pitch no harm whatsoever ! ( a real golfer in fact, playing off +1 ,, a veritable Pro in the making .,., why are you wasting your Saturdays selling Gas & Electricity son when you could turn professional with that handicap ? )
Now to the punch line from this whole story !!
The boy does all his business, explaining every detail to me about what I'm about to sign up for ,, showing me all the relevent paperwork etc ,, then tells me that he now needs me to talk to a head office wallah to confirm that I understand it all ,, DOH, I say ,, it's not rocket science son ,, but nevertheless he puts me onto his boss man who then proceeds to go through the whole spiel again ,, almost verbatim as already done by his young salesman .,., until he comes to the bit ,,, Can you confirm for me sir that you are between the ages of 18 and 65 ,,,
Eh, naw says I ,, I'm just a tad older than that ! ( a very little tad ! )
Oh ! he says, a little taken aback ,,, eh, well,
A problem ? asks me.
Eh, no sir, not a problem but I now have to ask if you'd like us ( or yourself of course ) to provide a witness before you sign anything since you fall into the "older" catagory for signing up on your own !!
Well let me see, says I ,, eh, what was it I was signing up for ,, I've forgotten ,, I'm a doddery, grumpy old codger you see ,, just don't know what I'm doing half the time ! Jesus !
Gimmie the papers son ,,, before your daft boss loses you a sale ! Ma faculties are still working fine !
But eh ,, Doh ,,, mibbie this G & E is rocket science efter aw ,,,
I know Strimmers definitely are !!

So, the Big Yin is a Freeman !

2010-08-21T11:31:00.000+01:00

Well his mooth has always been a bit on the FREE side anyway, has it no' ?!
“I didn’t even know there was such a thing as freedom of the city,” he said. But I'm delighted to have it !
Aw c'mon ya big lying bastard ,,, ( oops, did I just lapse into a Connolly moment there ? ) ,, of course you knew about the freedom of the City .,., you must have known ,, you bloody petitioned like the rest of us to FREE NELSON MANDELA .,., remember ? ., & he's wan o' Glesca's free men !
So is Alex. Ferguson & Kenny Dalglish ( yer pal, late of your beloved Celtic ! ) so don't try kidding a kidder big man .,., you knew bloody fine !
Anyway, I dare say he deserves it ,, he's made us laugh for many's a long year now, and from the belly too, and that's not easy, albeit he's a bit on the coarse side but seemingly only on stage ? Off it he somehow manages to putt oan a bit of a Bools in the Mooth accent .,., Must be aw yon mixin' wi' his Royal chums ,,, yer mooth probably goes like that with too much arse licking ?
But hey ,, who am I to critisize a man trying to better himself ? I mean, the man's a Laird, living in his Castle, so he's got appearances to keep up.
He's also done some damn fine documentaries touring the world & shown us all stuff we'd never have seen any other way ,, I've now toured New Zealand ( twice ) which saved me the boring flight and cash of actually going there myself ! Thanks for that Billy.
Among his newly begotten rights are the following btw :-
He can now graze his cows on the common land of Glasgow Green ( and don't think he won't ! )
He's allowed to fish in the Clyde ( and this he will definitely do for he's one o' them ,, a bored sportsman ! )
Attend all court hearings in the city ( eh ,,, well would you ? )
Trade within the burgh, specifically on market days ( he's sold himself there for years ! )
And now for the real goody ,, he gets to have a prison cell all to himself if he's ever imprisoned ( and that might well come in handy one of these days? )
And what duties does he need to do for the City in return ?
Oh aye ,, he's to defend the town by arms – and if he doesn't, he could be prosecuted for perjury of his oath and flung in the Pokie ! ( to his single cell ! )
Only question left for the Big Yin is .,.,Why has ma wee pal Queenie no' tapped ma shouder yet ??
Wis it somethin' a said ????

"The older I get, the better I think I used to be."

2010-08-20T10:58:00.002+01:00

You can get almost any message on a car bumper sticker these days !
And what a brilliant wee statement that one is ?
It no doubt gives you some idea of my age however !
I confess ! .,., I moved into the league of super Pumpas recently ,,, the current count of grand-we'ans is a staggering but magnificent SEVEN !! and that needs you to be aged . ( or leads you to be aged maybe ? )
I retired from the "Rat Race" 10-years ago now ( too many rats ! ) ,,,
Then I became a fully paid up member of the Grumpy Old Men's club .,., and that wasn't yesterday either !
The eyes are a bit dimmer now .,., the hearing's getting a bit suspect too nowadays ..( Whit ? )
And now the memory's starting to go !
But of one thing I am still sure .,., and that is,.,.,.,,.,
The older I get, the better I think I definitely used to be !
And who's gaunae dispute that ?
:)

Well here they all are !

2010-08-14T11:56:00.002+01:00

First (of many nae doobt ) picture of the complete Magnificent Seven !
Introducing from left to right ,, Big teen now Marcel, newest baby Alasdair, little Amaia, Ginger bonce Gordon, Dumbo ears Leon, the wee blonde Anna bits, and the beautiful almost grown up Charlotte.
My photographic task over the next few months will be a simple one .,., to get THE picture .,., you know, the one where ALL seven are looking at the camera, all smiling AND all with clean faces !!
Hopeless objective ?? You think ?
Not on your life ,, you just watch this space !
An Ohhhh, Footnote :
I started referring to this brood as .... My Dynasty !
However, there could be a real challenge awaiting me down the line somewhere !
The daughter ( responsible for 5 of the 7 tells me that I 'aint seen nothin' yet ,,, somehow she's managed to pluck some quick calculation out of her ( crazy ) head & has now threatened me ( yes I consider it a threat ! ) with a possible 29- great grand children !!
The seven only just get the Dynasty started she says .,.,., Arghhhhhhh
I actually worried about this for a micro second or two before realising that by the time this might come about I would be well past the age of knowing that they were mine .,., or caring :-)
And as for getting 29 ( +7 ) to sit and smile at the camera .,.,
Forget it, I already have !!

Jimmy's Rat Race is finally over.

2010-08-12T16:50:00.001+01:00

At the time of the Clyde shipbuilder's work-in, in 1970, I felt a bit embarrassed for Jimmy Reid. ( as well as Jim Airlie & Sammy Barr. )
This rough Clyde-built union man came to prominence with his now famous speech containing the lines .,.,
"We are not going to strike. We are not even having a sit-in strike. There will be no hooliganism, there will be no vandalism, there will be no ,, bevvying, because the world is watching us - and it's our responsibility to conduct ourselves with dignity."

It just kinda made me feel a little sorry for him. The mere fact that he had to voice such warnings with the world listening I felt was something of a stigma on us proud Scots. But the man knew his workers .,., and the discipline they were capable of.
But .,., he had obviously no chance of winning this battle against Ted Heath's Tory government ,,
Had he ?
Jimmy was a true fighting Scot and boy did he win that battle .,., This speech saved the yard, and the decision to close with thousands of redundancies was reversed.
The man turned out to be a GIANT .,., possibly the best Scottish MP we never had right enough !
His speeches became legendary ,, his absolute committment to his working class roots immense.
Even if you didn't share his Communist politics you had to admire the man ? He was an iconic socialist from the tip of his head to his boot laces .,.,
His inaugural speech as Rector of Glasgow University is rated as the best since Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address !! Now that's quite something for a wee boy from the Gorbals is it no '?
The Rat Race is for rats he said, humankind can create a fairer, more compassionate and better society.
He spoke and wrote with such passion and much of what he had to say was worth a listen !
This week we've lost one of the greats ,, a leader of men who actually could get things done.
He was one of the few Scottish political figures who can genuinely say that they provoked real change for the better. He argued eloquently and passionately against the insanity of the capitalist system which once again has caused a major recession where the many will pay for the greed of the few.
“His whole being was about helping others. The work he did in the shipyards and the socialist beliefs he held and held onto were a fundamental part of his life.
Today was a sad passing.
R.I.P. Jimmy ,, working class hero .,., you'll be missed.

Our Magnificent Seven !

2010-08-06T09:43:00.011+01:00

Friday 6th. Aug 2010.
Red Letter Day number 7 !
My beloved D.I.L. ( that's daughter-in-law to any uninitiated ) is by now in the Queen Mum's maternity hospital, on the operating table and soon our newest grandson will be with us.
Everything is crossed awaiting the news that he has arrived, safe & sound and that mum is on the way to a quick recovery and home to PQ.
As you no doubt noticed, our next baby is a boy ... and has been since his first scan months & months ago !
A little brother for Gordy, the Black Pudding man of Clan Buchanan ,,,
I wonder what our new babe will be called ? Will he be another wee Buckie Ginger ?? Another smart little cookie ? Who knows ,, but as long as he's healthy & happy who cares ?
I certainly know how he'll be dressed for his first year ,,, for hasn't his Granny been knitting like one posessed for nearly 9-months now ? Will he suit his new Partick Thistle strip I wonder !! ( His dad will love it ! ) Will he really look like a Teddy in one of Granny's BEAR creations ?? ( His Mum will love it ! )
Oh c'mon, hurry up QM .,., I've been watching this 'phone for any sign of life since 7-30 am this morning !
Needless to say, we can hardy contain ourselves to see our latest grand we'an .... the Magnificent 7th. of the Clan. WOW !!,,, that's SEVEN grandkids !!
Think I'll just go check that 'phone is working ok ,, again !
Updates will be posted later in the morning ? afternoon ?? Arghhhhhhhhhhhh SOON ,,,
10-22 am News Flash :
Master Alasdair Douglas Henderson Buchanan, 7lbs 8oz is born.
Mother & baby both well
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ......
Photos to follow in due course naturally !

First pic and note the jaunty (golfer ? ) way he wears his hat !

A Cluster What ?

2010-08-05T23:52:00.002+01:00

We were playing golf today, Stevie & I ,,, a not altogether unusual Thursday thing for us retired gents!
At the notorious Eastwood 6th., a long and difficult par 5 he put his first ball from the elevated tee 45* left into deep, deep rough, bush & tree country.
To let you understand, this is not totally unusual for Steve !
His "provisional" ball ( that's 3 off the tee pal, for you've as much chance of finding and playing that 1st. ball as I have of having a hole in one at this hole, and I'm good but not that bloody good ! )
His provisional landed on the fairway ,,, but only just and still a LONG way to go .,.,
His now 4th. hit up the hill took him almost to my drive !
His 5th. to about the turn of the dog leg left. From there he hit a rather nice 6th. shot almost onto the green but unfortunately it didn't quite make it and ran off some 30-feet down the slope away to the right of the green. But he was on in 7 and with a masterly putt landed only some 4-feet short of the hole .,., Like the true gentleman golfer I am, I of course conceded his putt to save him the embarrasment of the dreaded 10.
I will say no more about this hole, save to say that I myself had a rather magnificent birdie 4.
The point of this tale we now reach !
On walking to the next tee Steve comes up with one more of his wonderful anecdotes on his golf game & indeed on his life in general.
That, he says was what I call a Cluster Fuck !
A what ? says I .,.,
You know, he says, when you make one mistake and you then try to compensate for it by trying the impossible, which naturally leads to to a further mistake & so you end up have a cluster of them .,.,
A CLUSTER FUCK !
What a truly brilliant expression says I ,, I MUST try getting that one out to the public at large .,.,
I know, I'll do a blog about it !
Och no need, says he ,, I taught all the kids in school that years ago while I was still teaching !!!!

Up on the Roof !

2010-08-03T23:58:00.002+01:00

When this old world starts getting me down
And people are just too much, for me to face
I climb way up to the top of the stairs
And all my cares just drift, right into space
On the roof, it's peaceful as can be
And there the world below can't bother me
Let me tell you now .,.,.,.,
Hahahaha ,, I wonder if that's what was going thro' the young lady's mind as she fell that 25Ft to earth after her crazy notion for a bit of ruff rumpy-pumpy on the corrugated roof of the local Chinese take away ?
Or was it ,,, Jesus, he was good ,, but his coitis-interuptis needs a little "Polishing" up .,., just a bit abrupt !

That being said, isn't coitis interuptis sinful and not to be practiced according to Glasgow's coming visitor, you-know-who ? Auld B16 !!
So not a good catholic boy then ?
She is called Alex, is 19, and is Polish ... & insisted she had no regrets, saying, "We decided to have sex on the roof because we were bored. It was just a bit of fun but it all turned a bit scary. I'm in shock - and a bit sore." Not surprising hen, since you landed flat on your bare backside.
"It was a great adventure," she offered !
"He's not my boyfriend & I'm really worried he's going to get into a lot of trouble over this." ( You bet he is petal ! )

Fortunately the lassie survived the fall and lived to tell the tale .,., Not so happy for him though, for his girlfriend was apparently none too happy on hearing it !
Oops again he was heard to mutter as he was driven away by the constabulary !
A passer by was heard to comment " She was probably a polish slater, typical cowboy builder, not even wearing a hard hat ..
Hahaha ,,,, so much for safe sex ?

How to find new & interesting blogs ?

2010-08-02T23:45:00.003+01:00

I decided, having noticed that I now have a regular following of some 11 or 12 readers of my "blog " ramblings that maybe I should also become a follower .,., I do of course have 1 or 2 blogs that I read & enjoy regularly but I've only ever found them from them finding me !
Question therefore is ,, how do you find new, interesting and please ,, NON RELIGIOUS blogs to read ?
I started trawling thro' "Next Blog" and having a look but EVERY one of the 1st. 20 blogs I checked this way came up with "I'm following God" or "Jesus is my main man" , "we are the Church's Missionaries type stuff " .,., Eh, Back track here a mo' .,., I've just done it again ,, make that the 1st. 100 blogs ,,, not a single blog that isn't being used to push religion down your throat !! Surely this is not right ? There must be some non holy Willies in there somewhere ?? So why is every page I try dedicated to one church or another ?
Now this may not surprise some of you but religion is NOT my thing ,,,
As far as I'm concerned, and I've said this before ,, Religion ( in all its guises ) is the cause of ALL world conflicts ,, always has been & always will be .,., so what drives these people ? ( eh, that's just a rhetorical question ,, I DON'T want answers thanks very much !! )
So, is there a method for finding "normal" folks to read, a way to bypass or filter out these people, or has the internet world of Blogging been quietly taken over by the lunatic fringe ?

Is Music Killing me ?

2010-08-01T13:52:00.008+01:00

This week I watched (again) a Stevie Wonder concert that I had put a K (for keep) onto my Sky+box.

I've been a life long fan ,,, what can I say ,, I've watched & listened to "Little Thunder", the wee music man since he was about 12 ,,, Steveland Morris is a genius ( not such a wee guy nowadays but a genuine genius giant ,, If you don't believe me listen to Innervisions / Fullfillingness First Finale, Songs in the Key of Life, or Stevie's Journey through the Secret Life of Plants.

There are a few in the "G" class but more of them later !

My problem now is that to listen and sing along is becoming almost impossible ,, it's the same with Opera ,, well certainly with Luciano Pavarotti, and even fellow tenors José Carreras & Plácido Domingo ...

I can't listen to certain stuff any more without dissolving in tears !

Stevie's, You are the Subshine of my life ,, Isn't she lovely ,,

Fat Lucy's Nessun Dorma (None shall sleep) the aria from the final act of Puccini's opera Turandot, ... Connie Francis' My Happiness ,,

I'm a wreck !
I think auld age is turning me into an uncontrollable melancholic ? ( I'm off the booze these days you see ! )
I think I'm gonna try doing a list of the stuff that's gotten into my soul over the years affecting me so badly ,, so wonderfully !
See if that stops the maudlin in me from comin' oot ?
So, to begin ,,, the true Genius ( or "G" ) class :
Well of course there's Paul Simon, Brian Wilson, Buddy Holly, ( how much more might we have had if Buddy hadn't taken that damned 'plane ? ) Abba, John & Paul,
Then there's the awfully good : Performers who have ( and still do ) move me, to the bottom of my very soul.
Sinatra, ( still & always the King ) Tony Bennett, Eric Clapton, Leonard Cohen, ( I'm not sure Eric & Lenny shouldn't also be in the "G" class ? ),
Nat King Cole singing Mona Lisa just blows me away.
John Denver ( his love lost Annie which in the end obviously killed him )
José Feliciano singing anything & playing his wonderful guitar,
Stephane Grapelli playing with Django ( I once shook Stephane's hand after a concert ,., such soft, smooth skin & and a lovely gentle man )
Billy Joel puts his heart & soul into all his writing & performing,
Jack Jones ( for his album Harbour .,., )
Gerard Kenny ( who? I hear you say ,, listen to his tribute to Cole Porter album Play me some Porter Please and just listen to Do I Love You .,., track 6 to save you looking ! ),
Then there's Mark Knopfler & Dire Straits ( a fantastic series of albums, the peak of which surely must be Brothers in Arms )
Don Maclean ( His song for Buddy, American Pie, but also Vincent, And I Love you so, Wonderful baby, and so many more, right from the heart ,, & do listen to Building my Body ! )
Wee Chris de Burgh has done some beautiful things too ( and not only have a Beauty Queen daughter ! )
Barry Manilow, the Showman, wrote & sung some brilliant numbers but has sadly now lost his way ( and his face ! Why did you do that Barry ? )
Freddy Mercury and Queen were extraordinary .,., I'm so glad to have witnessed all Freddie's performances excesses. ( Go Freddie ! You are sadly missed )
Gary Moore brings me to my knees with his guitar solos, I can listen to Parisienne Walkways all night.
And talking French, Gabriel Yared's score from the movie Betty Blue is truly sensational as are most of Jean Michelle Jarre's wonderful electronics ?
Leaping in from my teenage years is Ricky Nelson's Stood Up, Poor Little Fool, Someday ,,,, Ahhhhh
Bobby Darin was a great favourite .... as was Gene Vincent
Elvis of course ( well the early Elvis ,, not the caped wonder of later life ! )
Jerry Lee Lewis' Great Balls were always a Whole Lotta Shakin', his was the ultimate rockin' piano,
Johhny Ray & me Cried together manys a time whilst Walkin' my Baby Back Home !
Marty Wilde was great long before he produced his American girl !
Young Frankie Lymon & the Teenagers were top of my pops for a while, back then I too was a Juvenile Delinquent ,,
Mick & Keith's Rolling Stones will live on forever ( always & STILL the best Rock 'n Roll band in the world ),
I loved T-Rex in the Glam age, Marc Bolan, another one gone with much more to give ?
I know there's no logic to this blog but these songs just come into my head in whatever order they like ,,
I have little or no control here ,,so bear with me , ok !
Take That's Gary Barlow will eventually get onto the "G" list if he keeps up his output of magical heart rending songs ( you don't need Robbie back in the band guys ! )
Chrissie Hynde (& her Pretenders) is something else ,, the raunchy bitch of Rock ,, superb.
I'm also a fan of Thom Yorke and Radiohead ( ugly little Creep but a real thinker ! )
Neil Young, in all his guises ,, with or without his Crazy Horse is strange but magnificent.
Belive it or not but writing this I'm currently also listening to Crazy ,, the wonderful velvety voice of Country singer Patsy Cline is melting me as I type ( has anyone ever seen two pictures of Patsy that look like the same woman ? )
On the country front I was once hopelessly in love with Crystal Gayle ,,, her sexy voice did things to me .,., Oooh ya !
Willie Nelson is a legend in every sense of the word, a true singer/songwriter with stories told from his soul.
And will anybody ever top the wee barra from the Blue Grass Mountains for writing & singing country ? Take a bow Miss Dolly P !
The Eagles, ( special mention to the loon guitar man Don Henley ), Fleetwood Mac ( special mention to Stevie Nicks but that's just a lust thing ! ) & Bon Jovi ( my wife will want me to specially mention young John B J !! )
There's just so many .,., my soul is obviously an easy touch !
Others who do it for me .,., Katie Melua ( new'ish but very good ,, so far ) Liza ( with a Zee ) Minnelli, especially the album she did with The Pet Shop Boys ( never liked her wee mammy though ! ).,., talking of which, Dusty Springfield ( absolutely brilliant and gone too soon ) and again her song with the Pet Shop Boys was fantastic.
Hey, there's also the excellent and very clever Pet Shop Boys ( see how clever these two are ,, they managed to get three mentions ! )
The Beach Boys ,, although I included Brian Wilson in the "G" class the Boys did some really good stuff on their own ,, of particular mention the magical Holland album, my all time favourite Beach Boys gig.
Going on, Carly Simon and all those teeth, Lisa Stansfield ( but that could be a lust thing again on my part ! )
Sophie Ellis-Bexter ( now this is definitely a LUST thing ! )
Oh and the brilliant Duffy, song writer extraordinaire and what a voice ?
The Beautiful South have done some excellent tracks ,,
Hue & Cry I can't possibly miss since they wrote the brillant Glasgow Song, among others.
Barbra Streisand, it goes without saying the Jewish quarter in NYC produced a right one in Babs !
Chris Rea, also a writer, singer & guitarist of extraordinary talent, many of his lyrics take me to the depths !
Otis Reading & I have spent some lazy afternoons sitting on The Dock of the Bay.
Sandi Thom made me also wish I'd been a Punk Rocker ,, ( I already had the flower in my hair from way back hen ! )
Marillion was a Big Fish for a while and I really liked his stuff too :) .
Jon & Vangelis I always liked ,, well the Friends of Mr Cairo album ,,
Sting writes beautiful songs and is such a thinker and worrier about bad stuff global but I still get the feeling his biggest fan is Gordon Sumner ?
Earl Brown & Hot Chocolate were up there in their hey day, as were Annie Lennox & Dave Stewart's Eurythmics ,, The Kinks with Ray & Dave Davies are old enough to be though of as Fab !
And talking old enough ,, the best of the 20's/30's/40's ,, Billie Holiday, surely Jazz's finest vocalist ? But having said that, now we need to mention Ella, Satchmo, och I'm not going any further down this road ,,
KD Lang ( Katherine Dawn, that man face with the voice of an angel, she has a Constant Craving to Wash me Clean .,., now if you want to have a good greet, listen to KD )
Wet, Wet, Wet did it for me too until Marty went off the rails .,., and hard as he tries he's never gonna get it back I'm afraid.
Natalie Cole had her Da's voice box implanted and was also sensational but what's happened to her ? Last I heard she was needing a kidney transplant and on drugs ? ( the illegal, hard stuff ) What a waste of a wonderful natural talent gift ?
Now who have I not included ?
Ah, Mike Oldfield and his wonderful Tubular Bells , oops Bowie, Ray Charles, Diana Ross ( A Miss Beautiful Supreme ! ) David Essex in his Rock On days, Kate Bush ( my 1st album on Cd ) Deacon Blue ,,,,
Oh & who could forget that journey Pink Floyd took us on ? to the Dark Side of the Moon ,,
And perhaps the all time tear jerker ,, Sinead O'Connor doing what Prince could never get close to with his Nothin' Compares 2U .,.,
Now then, how could I forget Robert ,, for I drank pints with him once in a wee pub in Kidderminster .,., Planty ,, Led Zeppelin's main man ,, ( alas now Alison Krauss' ? ) THE heavy rock band ?
That Stairway to Heaven takes you all the way to Kashmir don't you know !
Ahhhh, such memories.
Some newer people ,, Leona Lewis, destined for greatness ? Alex Parks I also liked but she seems to want another life already ? Amy Winehouse has a voice to die for and seems hell bent on doing just that !
Dido, Sheryl Crow, ( ok Shaza's not so new ! ) Natasha Bedingfield, Eva Cassidy ( sadly gone now too )
Will Young, excellent and getting better with every recording.
And of course my son wouldn't talk to me again if I didn't mention the God Father ( well for him ) and possibly my next grandson's name sake ? Bob Dylan ,, such a commentry on life & the USA and what an output over so many years ,, amazing !

And to all those artists that I've missed ( but probably also love ) I'm sorry ,,
And I didn't include all my favourite Classical stuff either, from Vivaldi to the Planets and beyond ,, young Nicola Benedetti & her Violin ( so much prettier than the boy wonder Nigel Kennedy ? )

On reflection, music isn't killing me at all ,,, it's keeping me ALIVE !

Does being Catholic in Scotland mean you now have to Pay to Pray ?

2010-07-27T18:11:00.003+01:00

Hahahaha, Oh how gled ah um tae huv taken the ole family stand on religion and remained true to oor faith ,,,
A'm happily descended frae a long line o' Athiests ye see !
As they'd say doon Ibrox way ,, We arra peepel !!
Last laugh tae the Orangemen this week I think, eh ?
But doon Parkheid they'll be pullin' their hair oot at the news that El Papa is on his way to see his flock ,,,, but only the wans wi' a spare 20 quid entrance money,.,.,. EACH !! Jesus ,,, Oops !
How absolutely outrageous !
This is a con of monstrous proportions .,., a scam on their ain folk .,., Imagine charging aw these good wee holy wullies jist tae look at their ain head bummer ! And nae doobt behind a bullet proof screen in the ole Popemobile as well ? Come on !!
And them with all the riches of Croesus?
This could well sound the death knell for Catholicism in Scotland, because religious they might have been brought up but in Glesca, DAFT they're no' !
Can you imagine ( and remember this is the team that frown on contraception ! ) wee Anne Marie & her man Big Dominic & their 6 we'ans wanting a front row seat ?
Eh, That'll be 160 quid hen ,,, Aye right !
I don't care how good a priest this guy might think he is, but in Glesca he 'aint that bloody good !
Be interesting to see how soon the ticket price starts coming down ??

Grandkids are truly Magical

2010-07-22T09:57:00.010+01:00

The daughter never ceases to amaze me.

My dearest first born showed no sign of what her future held as a young teenage woman ,,

She studied, she travelled, she partied, she was a fairly ordinary person until she became ,,,,,
The Earth Mother !

Time was when I thought ,, she's such a quiet, fragile wee soul ,, How will she cope with life ?
Then, all of a sudden she's a gifted Linguist .,., a University graduate and she's brought home a Frenchman ,, Then she made me a grand daddy !! Jings, how'd that happen !
Now I think .,., whatever next ? ,, and she made me a grand daddy again !! Bloody Hell !
After that she seemed to "settle down" :o)
But only a few years later and she's gone & done it again .,.,.,?? Eh, whit ? ( Have I been a tad remiss in her education ? Do I need to explain to her how these things happen ? )
The beloved & I are astounded by now ,,, THREE grandkids ? Wow ...
You see .,., Lots of we'ans just wasn't our scene ,, both of us were ONLY children and we thought that made for a busy hoose !

Then came the Bomb ! A Divorce ?? Bloody Norah ,, How will my we'an cope with life now !!

Well, what d'you know ? She's married again ,, ( brought home a great Dane this time ! )
Then she started life afresh .,.,., Jingscrivenshelpmaboab .,.,
Before I even had time to take in the divorce, never mind the new man ,, we have grandwe'an #4.
And as if just to confirm her overly active fertility glands ( she appears to just look at her man & bang ,, she's off to the maternity ward again ! ) we are now the proud grand parents of FIVE !!
I'm now in danger of becoming The Super Pumpa of Cowglen !
Now I think .,.,., she's mad, she's off her trolley ,,, all these we'ans constantly demanding her time & energy. She'll still be doing the school run when she's in her dotage !
A life dedicated to her own home made Clan ,,, the multi National Gautier/Widmann/Buchanans !

But then I stop .,., I read her wonderful Blog.
( see copy below ... I hope she doesn't mind me sharing this with my readers ? )
What have we now inherited here ?
Three amazing kids with the French hubby .,.,.,Mini Mec, Baby Magic & the Pudgeman.
Two further fantastic kids with the new Danish hubby ! .,., Anna Bits & Teeny Troll.
Oh ,, And a daughter to die for .,.,
It's a funny old game ,,, life !

That Blog :- LARGE FAMILIES ( Me and my babies ) Originally uploaded by PhylB
Sometimes when I look at my kids, I think of what most people consider the norm - and that would probably have been a photo of just me on a bench with Mini Mec & Baby Magic How much less rich my life would have been if I'd stopped there.
They are all so different and so alike in many ways.
Anna Bits and Mini Mec are quite alike in their interests, The Pudgeman, Baby Magic and Teeny Troll look very alike. I can see myself in all of them regardless of gender and colouring. Looking into your own eyes in another colour touches the depths of your soul.
This weekend Mini Mec has spent most of the time listening to the same song over and over trying to learn the lyrics - something I myself would have done at his age.

Baby Magic sometimes drives me mad with her awkwardness and shyness - again traits I too suffered from at her age though overcame.

The little ones are so endearing with their smiles, their chat, their nonsense, their understanding of the world.

I watch how Mini Mec interacts with the smallest ones and I feel pride at having raised such a gentle, lovely boy. He acts indecisively like his father and I cringe. I ask him to tidy the kitchen and he does a sloppy teenage job and I want to kill him but he was my first love so I can't. He smiles his smile and sparkles his beautiful green eyes and my heart melts. He comes home from school and leaves a report on his bed, forgetting to show me it. I find it and read he is one of the cleverest kids at his high school, polite, well-behaved, full of enthusiasm and I hold my breath, thrilled that by some fluke I have managed to raise the perfect child. That's what being a mother is all about.

Baby Magic's teacher, at our parent meeting, stops on more than one occasion and gasps - My God you are the same person - she gestures like you, she moves her hair like you, she talks like you. I rarely see this myself. I am bemused and yet proud.
She says to me - Baby Magic is unaware of how bright she is. Again I am secretly thrilled at having got something right. I love her freckly nose, her clear green eyes. Her niggling with the little ones sometimes drives me insane. Her hours of patience with them in the next instant amazes me. She's more patient with them than me at times and her parenting wisdom stuns me when she sees better how to deal with them than me. Her refusal to ever brush her beautiful hair drives me batty. Her tomboyishness puzzles me as it is so far from where I was as a young girl. She talks enthusiastically about footballs in a way I'd have spoken about ABBA at her age - I have produced a me who is the antithesis of myself!

The Pudgeman is my fragile little angel: my lovely, caring, gentle boy. He has the most cheeky smile. His transparent blue eyes are flecked with yellow. Had I stopped at two kids, I'd never have known kids could have yellow eyes! He adapts easily to everything, yet is so needy of our love. He's my special darling Pudgeman. His laugh makes me laugh. His hugs are so precious. Nursery tells me about this well-behaved, happy little boy and again I am proud. His spot problem and other problems he's had since his horrible chicken pox as a baby make me want to protect him and cocoon him in love, to keep him safe from the world but as he grows and I offer him a little more independence, I am proud of my brave little boy.

Anna Bits has a fiery nature and two odd eyes - one darker than the other. Had I stopped at two kids, I wouldn't have known I could have had an odd-eyed kid! Her eyes draw me in and fascinate me. Her favourite word is Whhhhhhhhy? She argues with me and her older siblings because she believes she knows better than us at times. This makes me laugh because she has such baby logic. And yet the minute the big three go for a night with their father, Anna Bits walks about wailing as if her right arm has been removed. When they return, her face breaks into a smile and she tells them how much she loves them. She's very definite about her likes and dislikes. My like pink, my ikke like blue. She can make her large dark eyes fill with tears at a perceived wrong as she mutters, my am very sad. She is my sweet little drama queen, my daddy's girl. Anna Bits is obsessed with being a big girl in comparison with Teeny Troll. She studies her for hours so she can point out everything she has that is bigger than her baby sister. Being big is very important to her!

Teeny Troll is my perfectly content smiler. She's my happy eating machine, my nosy feeder. She pulls my boobs to look behind her when she's eating. She's my standing baby who refuses to bend in the middle. She wants to learn to walk before she can sit steadily. She loves to be hugged and kissed by me and all her siblings. Her face lights up for each and every one of them.
Had I stopped at two kids, I'd never have known I was capable of giving birth to a 4.5kg baby without drugs and smiling five minutes later! She smiles and observes all day long and I need her as much as she needs me. I watch her sleeping. She sucks in her sleep and I wonder if she's dreaming of me. She is another beautiful precious child with deep thoughtful eyes of another odd grey/green/blue shade.

The only thing that makes me sad about my large and beautiful family is a fear that I won't live long enough to watch the youngest ones reach my age.
I can't ever imagine having only had the two kids society expected me to.
I love each and everyone equally. I love the way they are individuals and I love the way they need each other.

Woe is us !

2010-07-14T23:40:00.020+01:00

This week sees the start of a BIG week for me on the golf front .,.,

as a player & a spectator .,.,

Aye, me AND a few others !

There's a pile of Pro's from all over the globe up at St. Andrews sitting about, clicking their heels and .,.,., waiting ,,,

The four hole Past Champions fun opener is already cancelled !

You see, our Scottish weather has reverted to type just as it's all about to kick off !

The World Cup of Golf starts at 6-am tomorrow morning !

And so we have the Rain ,, 70-MPH horizontal stuff !

We have the Gales ,, blowing cobwebs & umbrellas far out to sea !

We have the Haar ,, our euphemistically termed coastal sea mist !

Hahaha, have you ever tried playing golf in these conditions .,., on one of the finest ( but also most difficult ) Links courses on the Planet ?

Well I have ,, not St. Andrews Old Course unfortunately but Turnberry's Ailsa course .,.,., a similar sacred ground, and believe me, to see a ball you've hit with everything in your armoury into the rain/wind/mist and watch it turn in the air 200-yards out and come back at you, landing less than 100-yards from the tee is one of the most debilitating sights .,., to try putting your ball on the green when it won't stop moving in the wind as the rain drips off the skip of your bunnet ,, well what can I say ?

I'll tell you ,,,, This is REAL golf my chums ,, this will separate the men from the boys .,., and I know who my money isn't going on to lift the Claret Jug of 2010 .,.,

Go home Tiger son, you know you can't play proper golf .,.,, I'll be surprised if you even make the cut ! Here 'aint Florida, this sky has no sun and yon manicured lawns with the kiddie's sand pits & paddling pools that you guys call golf courses are just a joke compared to the real McKay.

( yeah I've played there too ! )

Worse still ,, my own Seniors Group have our annual away match tomorrow morning at the Championship Haggs Castle course and this too must go ahead come rain or shine .,.,

And come Friday morning ,, whether my clubs are dried out or still wet I'm off to play the wonderful, glorious Turnberry Links again .,., a most savage examination of any golfer's mettle even in the sunshine .,., in the forecast above mentioned conditions it's almost painful, but would we pass up this round ? Not on your life ,, this is how we learn to play SCOTTISH GOLF !

Oh, Woe is us :-)

Wartime PM Winston Churchill's false teeth go up for auction !!

2010-07-12T08:57:00.003+01:00

Now I've seen everything .,., and there was me thinking I couldn't live long enough to do that !

FALSE teeth worn by Winston Churchill during some of his most famous World War II speeches are to be auctioned off.

Eh? Whose mooth will they fit ,, how will they know before buying them ??

The gold-mounted dentures - one of three sets made for the wartime PM - are expected to fetch £5000.

Christ, nearly as dear as the current NHS version !

Churchill was said to have made sure he had several sets after breaking some in a fit of temper and being left unable to talk.

Temper, temper Mr. C ! It's nae wonder that Mr. Hitler got angry wi' ye.

Each was specially designed to retain his vocal tones as he inspired the nation in the darkest days of its fight against Nazi Germany.

Ah, that must be why I talk differently from how I used to ,, mine weren't "specially designed" other than to fit the mooth !

One set went with Churchill to his grave and another was donated to the Royal College of Surgeons' museum where they are tagged: "The teeth that saved the world."
See ,, ah huv seen everything !!
The third set was given back to dental technician Derek Cudlipp who made them.

They are now being sold by his son Nigel.

So hurry along to the auction folks ,,, you wouldn't want to miss a "golden"opporchancity like this ?

Hahahahaha ,, it's true then ,, the world has gone doo-lally ?

Strawberry Fields ... forever.

2010-07-11T10:39:00.004+01:00

I watched a Bio on Sky the other night ,,,

John Lennon.

His & Yoko's making of "The Plastic Ono Band" album.
Lots of background stuff from Yoko, Ringo and of course the working class hero himself !

It was so very intimate and heart rending ( again ) ,,, listening anew to some of these wonderful lyrics almost reduced me to tears ( again ! ) .,.,
In the end it was too much ,,, almost like watching him die all over again ,,

Last time the beloved & I were in New York was with my big son & his wife & wee son.
Derek & I are both life long John Lennon fans so naturally we visited the Dakota Buildings and saw the spot where he died & of course we had to go to the Strawberry Fields in Central Park to see the Imagine plaque.
This was a very moving experience, place to be, icon to see .,., we spent time just being there.
Lost a bit in our own thoughts ,, our minds sang his songs ,, we took some photos ,, we sat and contemplated life's fickle finger of fate ,, what more did John have to give us in the years now lost, we wondered ? We'll never know !

It suddenly dawned on me .,., I took pictures of this world symbol of peace, love and understanding ,, & so did my son ,, we took many pictures that day but not one do we have with both of us, together, paying tribute to a really special guy !

How remiss of us my son ,,, there's only one thing to do now, I feel ?

When are we going back to the wonderful Big Apple ?

The beloved & I have always promised ourselves another visit when the new Twin Tower is finished, having stood on top of the old one, 2-months exactly, to the day, before it was so savagly destroyed.

So that's a plan ?.. Yeah, yeah, yeah !!

Phew, A'm fair wabbit !

2010-07-03T10:42:00.009+01:00

Such a sporting few weeks we're having !
I've barely had time for my warm-down before I'm off again on another warm-up !
World Cup footie 3 times a day, Wimbledon all day, Golf tournaments every night .,., the final days of the Open de France & the AT & T National, the Scottish Open about to start, the John Deere Classic just about underway, the US Women's Open, .,.,.,
Not to mention my very own Cowglen Seniors Open this coming Wed. ! ,,
And of course if you're some kind of masochist there's even thon English bat & ba' games to watch !
A'm fair wabbit oot already !
And we still have all the big finals to come .,., Argentina surely must win the World Cup now that Brazil are gone ? With work horses Carlos Tevez & Lionel Messi how can they fail ?
And talking work horses, who is gonna dare take the Wimbledon crown from the fastest, hardest hitter in the business, the meanest little street fighter I've ever seen on a tennis court ,, Rafa Nadal ? This guy will run 'til his lungs burst, and he'll bite your leg off if you get in his way ,, what an incredible talent ! Nobody can match him this year, can they ?
Talking of English ba' games btw, have we all heard that OXO have introduced a new white cube, with a red cross on the wrapping ,,, to show support for the loser boys of the English world cup footie ., it's called ,, wait for it !
The Laughing Stock !! Yo ,,,
Anyway, who will win the Scottish Open ? Mmmmm, that's a little more difficult to predict ,,
But the Cowglen Seniors ?? Well I'm not one for bragging but I am one for trying !!
Watch this space, you just never know ! I was runner up last time out !

Writer's Footnote : Well, so much for the mighty Argentina .,.,
Don't fancy your chances much now Rafa !
And I'm saying nothin' on the seniors Open front !!

The Beautiful Isle

2010-07-01T00:10:00.004+01:00

The beloved & I are just back from a glorious week on SUNNY Arran.
Yep, 6-solid sunshine days ( aye ok, so a slightly short week ! for reasons to be explained later )
We basked in the sun, we lazed, we ate, ( boy did we eat ! ) we drank the odd glass of wine, swallied the odd spirit, aye and even downed a beer or two too !!
We walked, we bussed ( free too ) all round this quiet but gorgeous little "Scotland in Miniature" and we saw beauty at every turn. Sunny Arran is so much nicer than rainy Arran !
And how glad am I that Digital SLR photography has taken over from ye olde Film SLR in today's world, for I would have so grudged the cost of all that film & developing !!
I came home with some 500 odd new Visions of Arran ! ( Yes, the beloved was very patient with me !! )
Our landlord Colin & his Welsh wifie, June, were good company too ,,, both golfers as well ,, what a pity I hadn't just thrown the clubs in the boot :) , I could have played them for the Digs money !!
Wee Colin had not long bought himself a new wee toy for running around the beautiful Isle ( a lovely Harley Davidson motor cycle no less .,., Ooh-ya, Wow ! ) so hey, this B & B lark obviously pays !!
The reason for our short week btw was that these two were off to France for a wee holiday themselves and were booked to leave on the Sat. ferry ahead of ours !! They didn't take to the idea that we'd make our own breakfast on Sun. morning and lock up before we left ??
However, 6-days is just about ok for a stay on Arran ,,, after all, it's only 56 miles all the way round so we'd pretty much seen it all by then ,, we'd certainly sampled all the pubs & restaurants on offer and we'd even done the inland walk from Lamlash to Brodick .,., not to mention photographing Lochranza's tame deer ! ..... not bad for a pair of pickled pensioners ? ( aye & I even remember my alliteration ! )
So now it's off to download the photos onto the computer for posterity !
( obviously I should have got that word in with the pickled pensioners somewhere ?)

Bloody Foreigners !

2010-06-18T08:42:00.005+01:00

So what did I do yestertime you ask ?
I abandoned my Thursday golf game to go to my grandwe'an's School Sports Day.
Do Thursday's get any better you might wonder ? :-(
Ok, so it was only a junior school event .,., Primary Sports as distinct from Premier Sports !
Running races, three-legged races, bunny-hops with the big bouncy Pom-Poms. ( as my little spectator grandson called them ! )
All great FUN .,.,
Now in my day these school sports days were a parental highlight of their kid's "academic"year.
The old Brownie Box Cameras were out in force snapping away, taking ( mostly ) blurred photos that would last a lifetime and bring much needed nostalgia in later life.
What happens in today's enlightened society ?.,.,
I'll tell you .,.,., One effing ethnic MINORITY parent objects to their we'an being photographed & the school ( the so called intelligentsia no less ) plays along with this moron and BANS all photography .,., so the MAJORITY of SCOTTISH parents don't get to have memories or nostalgia pics for their or their kid's auld age ! This nonsense is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE and I'm giving you all fair warning ,,, next year my camera will be there and I will be taking pics of MY kids ,, and if theirs get in the shot ,, that's too damned bad !
I will no longer be dictated to by these closed mind, MINORITY, IDIOTIC so called parents.
If these people object to Sports Day pics or any other school activity pics then THEY CAN REMOVE THEIR BLOODY CHILDREN from these activities ! Mine are staying and mine are getting their photos taken !
It is every kid's right to have their Big Days recorded for posterity and I intend to do just that for MY KIDS in ALL future school days ,,,
And just let them try taking my camera out of my hands !
Yeah, that IS a threat !!
Finally I would URGE all you Silent Majority British parents .,., if you want your children to inherit OUR country for God's sake stand up now and be counted !

Holy Watter & wee black & yellar hings !

2010-06-08T10:39:00.015+01:00

For some weeks, nay months, we've had this wee intermittent kinda leak at the living room radiator inlet pipe. This has taken the form of a damp patch appearing on the new'ish wood floor around said pipe, but days later, mysteriously it would disappear again ,,, Then a week or two would pass with no sign of damp, lulling us into a false sense of "well that's it gone now" security.

Alas no, days later it was back !

Then we decorated the hall .,., part of this new look included moving a well loved ( by me ) but big ( and bloody heavy ) cupboard ,,, out ! Having done this, we then noticed a wet patch on the carpet at the hall radiator inlet pipe !! A very similar small damp patch to the living room, no more than a few inches around the pipe .,., but this time rotting the very good quality Buchanan Tartan carpet there. ( Clannish ? Moi ? )

Time to investigate I thinks ?.,.,., having a paranoid fear of touching anything to do with water systems in the hoose, lest I cause a major flood :-( we called our tame plumber chappie.

Herself had deemed the hall radiator somewhat inadequate for purpose, the hall never being what one might consider warm ! ,, and so she wanted a much bigger one put in anyway ......

( No, I'll no' go there !! )

Our man listened to my theory about the possible cause of both leaks ,,, I had surmised that the pipe ( under the floor ) going from one radiator to the other had maybe suffered a wee burst and was spraying water UP from underneath because I couldn't see any actual water leak above ground ! ? He looked at me like I had a second head ( which also buttoned up the back ) and ran his finger round the offending pipes .,.,.,"Look," he says in that supercilious plumber sorta way .,., "Wet finger !! Water disnae generally spray UP Dougie !"

He promptly produced a spanner & tightened both ( loose ) fittings ( by quite a few turns I might add !!! ) Who'd have imagined that after only 35 years couplings would come loose ? If I could get my hands on that guy who installed the Central Heating !!

Ever feel a fool ?? ( Naw, me neither ,, I generally prefer a woman myself :-) )

Anyway with both leak problems now solved I asked El Plumb if, while here fitting the new radiator he'd replace the overflow pipe in the loft which was broken and which had caused the water running down the walls problem last year that led me to re-decoration in the first place.

"No probs" he says ,, ( and him not even from Oz ! ) "I'll just take a look up there to ensure I bring the corrct size pipe."

With that up he goes on my ladder ,,, pops up the loft cover, sticks his head in to switch on the light ,, and jumps straight off the ladder again shouting ,,, "Bloody Hell, Jesus ! You've got wasps or bees or something up there ".,.,

"Aw jings & Holy Watter" says I ( or something like that ! )

I nip up quickly and replace the loft cover .,., a few wee peeks later I conclude that I have no idea whether said invasion is by the Wasp or the Bee clan ! Wee black & yellow Buzzers certainly !

However after a day or two with the camera & Google help the general consensus is that we definitely have BEES ! ( Honey or Bumble ? don't ask .,., I couldn't care less ! )

I phone the Cooncil who advise that they will come & exterminate wasps for £40 !! ( eh, tell me again why I pay £thousands in Council tax please ??? )

BUT they say, if it's Bees and we come out we will still charge the £40 but bees are PROTECTED & we therefore won't touch them !! You'd then have to hire the services of a Bee Keeper to come & smoke/flush them out and take them away ??

"Eh ,,, Excuse me" I say ,, "these bloody B's are SQUATTING in ma hoose ( well my upstairs property !!" )

"Sorry sir," says the nice young thing "but if you can just wait a bit they'll be gone by end Aug !!"

Gone ? Gone ?? Gone where and can I bee sure they'll have taken all the relatives with them ,, old workers who presumably become redundant in autumn ,, old Queens ??? I really don't even want to think about old Queens in my upstairs ( and definitely not in my downstairs thank you very much ! )

The helpful ( & still fairly new ) son-in-law advises me to look on the brighter side at all the free honey available ( if you can get to it !! )

Wi' these kinda suggestions he may not last !!

I've already had words with the daiughter !

So, as I finish this little tale, I'm in the market ( not the Meerkat ! ) for any FREE advice from Bee keepers or any other learned bodies with a view to a kill or at the very least a rounding up & chasing off of the wee yellar & black varmits so that El Plumb can fix my overflow before the rainy season !

Gordy Black Pudding !

2010-06-05T09:49:00.005+01:00

We have the grandson of the Buchanan clan with us this weekend for TWO consecutive sleep-overs !! How brave is that ?
Mum & Dad are gone ,,, off on a jolly .,., possibly their last for many years to come, although I haven't told them that .,., YET !
So we have the #1 son of that blessed union whilst #2 son is still baking !
They've gone to a luxury hotel in Royal Troon for some pampering ( and haven't even considered a game on the wonderful Royal Troon links !! I find it hard to believe the father is my son !!
Anyway today Gordy & the grand dad ( that's me ) are thinking up new names for the forthcoming baba .,., we've been through all the current contenders to no avail and now we've settled on "Nick-Names".
I have now let all the daughter's kid's nick-names out the bag and told Gordy about Mini-Mec, Baby Magic, The Pudgeman, Anna Bits & Tiny Troll so we just HAD to come up with two more ,, one for him & one for his baby brother.
So here they are :
Gordy will forthwith be deemed ... "Gordy Black Pudding" ( anyone who knows this kid will know how much of this stuff he can tuck away & therefore why this moniker is so very appropriate ! ) Now the new babe is a different matter altogether .,., we haven't been introduced yet so coming up with a wise crack moniker isn't so easy and may in due course change !
But for now we've settled on ,,,, wait for it .,.,., "Baby-Ben-10" ( no Mum, this was definitely NOT my idea !! but you know how these names stick :-)
Have a nice weekend folks ,, you just never know what you'll get back after TWO sleep-overs !!!
Ahh -hahahahahaha ...

Yer Other National Team !

2010-06-01T12:12:00.010+01:00

Step up and take a bow yon wee Martin Steele, Marketing Manager of our other National drink, Iron Bru ! Martin is the wee genius, obviously made from girders, who has dreamt up the Sales Ad of the year .,., mibbie even the decade ?
Anywhooo, he's come up wi' this magic wee ruse ( to sell more of his ) { and our } beloved National brew !
He argues that if we ( that's Scotland of course ) want to win the World Cup of Footie then we need an infusion of new blood !
Brazilian blood would be good since they seem to win this trophy more than most ?
So, BRUZIL is born ! Samba MacFootball is on the horizon !
To "lay" in place the team of teams for World Cup 2034 we need to start now .,., ipsofacto, Martin wants us all ( boys AND girls from John O' Groats to the Borders ) to do holidays/visit Brazil "make friends" ( sow seeds if you will !! ) become the Parental Talent for the cause .,., Woof -Ya ! count me in wee man ,, I'm on my way to Rio's Copacabana beach right now !
Old Archie Gemmill ( late of our failed attempt circa 1978 but with a magnificent last ditch effort against the mighty Dutch ) and Andy ( heid the ba' ) Gray are fronting the newest game in town under the pseudonyms Arcihno Gemmelo & Andsilva Graato .,.,.,., urging us all to "get a Brazilian" ( ouch ! ) and make some new friends !!
So let's up, up & away to sunny Brazil and get busy on our future team all you 18/30 holiday lads & lassies .,., oh & some older talent too ,, those of us who can still recall the Great Days and the magic Scots who strutted their stuff on that Wembley turf in 1967 !!
Enter soon the likes of Eddie Alves, Crawford Baptista, Donaldo, MacKaka, mibbies even the new MacPelé, not to mention one brilliant wee left winger who goes by the tag Dougihno Buchista o' Parkheid !
Wee Archie reckons: "We huvnae qualified for the World Cup since France in 1998 so it's time for drastic measures. If we can harness the Scottish passion and the Brazilians' natural footballing skills then what a combination. I'm sure parents of these Scottish-Brazilian children will agree the kids should play for Scotland. We need all the help we can get. We need to boost our footballing DNA."
Archie enjoyed snuggling up to two Brazilian samba babes at the campaign's Glasgow launch yesterday but he regrets that he personally CAN'T do his bit for the Nation this time - because his wee wife Betty would kill him !
Irn-Bru have already placed lonely heart ads in Brazilian papers calling on locals to help Scotland.
One ad, in Portuguese naturally, placed in Rio De Janeiro's Extra newspaper, says:

"Scots lass seeks Brazilian man with good sense of humour to make Scottish football magic.

And I've got a fridge full of Irn-Bru" she says.

And another mickey-take sees Sky Sports expert Andy Gray commentating on Scotland's line-up for the 2034 World Cup Final with players including Flavio McFadden and Aberdeeninho.

Go SCOTLAND !!

I've a feeling this team might just do the business and we can then rub it into our downstairs neighbours for the next 44 years !!

See more fun at .,.,., irn-bru.co.uk/bruzil

Blaming the prince of the fools !

2010-05-25T22:52:00.003+01:00

Couldn't have said it better myself ... Great quote.
Too bad we don't know who wrote it ....*
"The danger to America is not Barack Obama but a citizenry capable of entrusting a man like him with the presidency. It will be easier to limit and undo the follies of an Obama presidency than to restore the necessary common sense and good judgment to an electorate willing to have such a man for their president. The problem is much deeper and far more serious than Mr. Obama, who is a mere symptom of what ails us. Blaming the prince of the fools should not blind anyone to the "vast confederacy of fools that made him their prince".
The republic can survive a Barack Obama. It is less likely to survive a multitude of fools such as those who made him their president.” --
Author Unknown*

Now, can anyone see a leader on this side of the Pond with a "vast confederacy of fools that made him their prince" that we couldn't say exactly the same for ?
Tory Doctors excepted of course Bones !!

A very strange question ?

2010-05-24T08:59:00.005+01:00

I'm golfing last week with my big buddy of many years when he suddenly asks me .,.,,
Have you ever had heartburn or indigestion ?
Eh, says I ,,, Yeah, hasn't everyone ? I've been a sufferer for more years than I care to remember .,., why ?
Well I've never had indigestion or heartburn before .,.,., he says !
Eh , what ! in your whole life ??
Uhuh, in my entire life I've never had this before he says ,, will you describe it for me ,, I think I might have it now !!
This from a guy who eats & drinks as much as anyone I know .,.,
How could he possibly have escaped it for all these years ?? ( that's 60+ btw !! )
I'm so envious .,., I'm gonna see my Quack to ask why I've always suffered from this ailment & this guy seemingly never has ?
But I'm also stumped ,, I find very quickly that I really can't describe these attacks any way simply or accurately at all ? It's a difficult description to come up with, even after 50 + years of suffering !
It's a pain here in the high chest area I tell him ,, well no, not exactly a pain ,, more a discomfort ,, it's a ,,, och ah don't know ,, just chew a lot of Rennies, Bisodol, whatever and it'll go away .,.,., unless of course it's a pending heart attack ,, !!
That cheered him up a lot !
Ha, that'll teach him to never have had chronic heartburn in the middle of the night !
Hell slap it into him to make up for lost time !!
:-)

Regrets I have a few !

2010-05-16T19:27:00.003+01:00

There's a part of me that has become quite sentimental of late ... I guess it must be auld age tugging at my old heart strings or something ?

I don't suppose many of you will know this ,, perhaps not even my own children ? .,., but I was, once upon a time ,, many, many years ago ,, in a different life in fact ,, considered to be something of a "budding concert pianist" .,., ( that was a direct quote from the music teachers & examination boards I attended btw )

Yeah, I was ,, honest ! I actually played piano from the age of about 6 or 7 'till I was well into my teenage years ,,, Sat all sorts of piano forté exams, both theory and playing ,, reached a fairly high degree of competence and then .,.,.,.,., I don't know, found girls, golf, footie ,, something distracted me and I stopped going to my music teacher, stopped studying, and eventually stopped playing all together ! What an absolutely criminal waste.

In the past, maybe 10-years or so ,,, since my son also became quite an accomplished musician himself ( self taught guitar, sax, trumpet,) I have thought .,., time to take it up again !

I installed a "multi voiced, double keyboard organ" upstairs in our little spare bedroom where I also have my other computer etc ,,, the idea being that I WOULD get back to it .,., eventually !

Alas ,, I haven't ,,, YET !

This all hit me tonight again ,,,

a) when I watched the BBC Young Musician 2010 ( won incidentally by a brilliant young female pianist ) and then, later,,,

b) a televised Stevie Wonder concert ( I'm a long time fan ) and this concert was just sensational.

The whole episode started me remembering too, that my Dad ( a "heavy handed piano player" himself ) longed all his life to be an Orchestra Conductor ,, of all things !

He toiled most of his working life doing long, weary, dirty hard shifts as an engineer in the old Beardmore's Parkhead Forge in the days long before it became a shopping mall ! So to have such a dream seemed somehow incongruous to me .,., but now I think I'm beginning to finally understand. I once dreamt that I had won the Lotto and one of the first things I did with the cash was to arrange for him to conduct a full symphony orchestra ,,, sadly however neither of us got to fullfill that ambition .,.,

I wonder if it's a family failing or just the fear/ knowledge of the hours of practice that would be necessary .,.,., will I ever return to the keyboard ?

A Message from the dark side there is !

2010-05-16T08:29:00.007+01:00

Hey, I survived ! .,., It's finished ,,
I managed to outwit the perils of the long ladder ,,
But absolutely, never again !! That was a scary couple of days.
However, the hall now looks like new ! Brownie points being collected !
So now it's on to the big bedroom :-(
Not long now 'til I collect my "Grampant" reward :-)
Woop-de-dooooo .....

or as they say in La Belle France ,,

Hey, j'ai survécu! .., C'est fini,
J'ai réussi à déjouer les périls de la longue échelle,
Mais absolument, plus jamais! C'était un couple effrayant de jours.
Toutefois, la salle ressemble maintenant à nouveau!
Alors maintenant, c'est sur la grande chambre :-(
Pas longtemps jusqu'à ce que je me recueillir "Grampant" récompense :-)
Woop-de-dooooo .....

or even in the Viking lands up Denmark way ....

Hey, jeg overlevede! .., Er det færdigt,
Jeg formåede at overliste farerne ved den lange stige,
Men absolut, aldrig igen! Det var en skræmmende par dage.
Men hallen ser nu som ny!
Så nu er det på de store soveværelse :-(
Ikke længe nu 'til samler jeg min "Grampant" belønning :-)
Woop-de-dooooo .....

I just know I'll get comments on this Blog from both the multi lingual daughter & mega lingual son-in-law !!
Bring it on guys ,,, I tried !!

At first I thought ,,

2010-05-14T09:09:00.004+01:00

She just doesn't care ,,, sitting there with her kids, somehow oblivious to the fact that this could well be her old Dad's last day on earth ! Chatting away as if there was no danger ... even bringing her kids to see this possible gruesome catastrophe ? She watched closely enough ,, even asking questions ( while said Dad was 10-feet up a ladder on the precariously steep stairwell ???? )
Is she just that callus ?
Then, in a flash it dawned on me ,,, she's really still my liitle girl, the one who believes her Daddy can do anything and is somehow invincible, nay immortal !
Thanks pet, you probably don't even realise it, but that calmed me down and now the difficult, life threatening bits are all done !
Phew ,,, that is positively the last time this hall is being decorated.
( in my lifetime ! )

I now rest my case !

2010-05-10T22:08:00.003+01:00

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down into hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. (Oh yeah !!)
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who joins them in having a good time, dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a great night that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Today you voted.

All jokes have their origins in TRUTH don't they ?!

We're at it again !

2010-05-09T10:55:00.005+01:00

So it's started !
The re-decoration of the hall is now under way.
Yesterday we borrowed TWO of the daughter's steamers. ( believe it or not ,, she has THREE ! but not a decorator's bone in her or her man's bodies ! ,,, )
This turned out to be a wee bit of a mistake however.,.,the power consumption to run two of these wonderfully helpful machines seems to have resulted in melting the cable on our extension reel ,,, ( now in the bin ! ) Mmmmm, so finishing off the removal of the old wallpaper today will be a simple full steam ahead, if you like, but with just the one old steamer ( that'll be eh, ME ! )
Ahhh have now sussed ,, One of said machines is faulty ,, plugging it in it actually blows all my downstairs sockets !! Thanks Phyl ! Thought we'd had another NM power cut !!
This hall has always worried me somewhat as an amateur decorator ( or as some might say, as a miserable old sod ! ), in fact so much so that last time we had a painter decorator in to do it ! ( and may again ! ) for it is indeed proving to be more than a little problematic .,., it has these very high walls on one side necessitating the need for one of those special all purpose multi positional ladders ,, to be borrowed from my wee pal across the road hopefully .,., every strip of paper will need to be hung working at a jaunty angle from halfway up the stairs ,,, and I've always had this un-natural fear of death by falling downstairs :-)
Naturally,after a lifetime of perfecting this job experience I have all the necessary decorator's tools, pasting brush, smoothing brush, plumb line ( an old screw dangling on a piece of string ! ) a duster to keep my pasty hands off the paper, Oh and even the wee tottie roller for smoothing out the joins ( never use that though ) and a sponge to clean the pasting table ,, did I mention I have a pasting table too, albeit in need of replacing ?
But naw, you're right, I really have nothing in the way of proper tools for this job ,, just all this wonderful expertise :-$
The bottom landing in our hall has in the past suffered from water ingress !,, a leaky porch roof resulted in flowing water coming down the inside wall,leaving, not surprisingly, great water marks on the paper! We fixed the porch and as a stop-gap measure (some 5 or 6 years ago!) we artexed the bottom part of the hall on top of the water marked paper and re painted .,., It looked ok'ish and we separated it off from the upstairs paper by the simple addition of a wooden frame.,.,The artex being on top of the paper, we reasoned, would facilitate it coming off easily with the old paper when the time came to re decorate!! Well that seemed to be working ok yesterday until we got to the old wet area.,.,when the artex, paper and great chunks of the original plasterboard came off too!! Easy as pie !!
Oh well, the best laid plans as they say ,,, so we need to do a little fill-in plaster job too ,,,
We've now completed two days of sweat shop steaming and scraping ( not as young or fit as we once were so we now work shorter hours ! ) and still have the difficult final phase to perform ,, that's the one up the ladder !! Oh Jings, Crivens ( and apologies to Al ) .,., Help !!
The actual papering I expect will be much quicker when we get to it ,, with me hanging & my trusty paster pasting .,., At this job we are truly a TOP-TEAM !
But of course it all depends on my wee pal's ladder & me conquering my fear of dying by falling !
I'll let you know if I survive this test !
And if I do what's the reward I mused ,, rampant sex on the carpet ( I'd hoped ) ? Nope ,, ( she says ... )

It's in the bedroom .,.,, Oh, Yo ,,,,

But don't get too hot under the collar .,., it's just the next decorating job awaiting the TEAM !
Oh well mibbie a wee reward after that ??

Ha, she sniggered in bed last night .,., " Don't you mean GRAMPant sex !! :-(

Some women can deflate a worker's ego with a single wee snigger you know !

Yawn, yawn, yawn,,,,, Zzzzzzzz

2010-05-06T09:28:00.004+01:00

Yeah it's election day ,, again ,, Can anything be more boring ?!
So, I've decided to take my good lady out for the day ,, we're off down the coast 'till it's all over .,., well to miss most of it anyway.
In all my years I don't think I've ever seen a more incompetent bunch of politicos .,., strikes me they couldn't blow their own bloody nose without help. ( and bloody noses is what they all deserve ) So, after much thought, NONE of them will get my vote ,,, first time in 50 years I've done that .,., but I WILL visit the Polling station and register my utter disgust & contempt for them. After all they should be told how the voters think ?
I used to believe that voting was something you absolutely MUST do ,, people had fought & died to ensure we all had this right ,,, BUT did they ever consider that there would come a day when there wasn't a single honest, worthy, wannabee politician in the land ?
No, neither did I ,,, sad isn't it ?

Does it really matter ?

2010-04-30T08:06:00.005+01:00

This time round I have totally ignored all the Political hype surrounding the General Election.
I have not listened to one single party political broadcast nor did I watch any of the dumbed down USA styled leader confrontations. But sadly I haven't been able to miss the nightly NEWS updates !
However, after almost 50-years of voting I have finally come to the conclusion that it matters "not a jot" who is in power in this country. It will have no effect whatsoever on me whether Tory, Labour, LibDem or any other non event party become the next government.
As a sixty-something silver citizen I now firmly believe there is not a single politician ( in any party ) who is not in it for what they can get personally. The average Scottish / British Joe, like myself, will suffer a lifetime of traumas of unfair taxes, job insecurities and continual government rip offs, from womb to tomb. So why bother succumbing to their stupid nonsense ( have you seen the sickly news bulletins and watched them begging in public for votes ,,, OMG, Yuk, the lengths they'll go to .,., )
And as for wasting my valuable time ? ,,, Sorry, no more, get out of my face !
They are, as old Terry Thomas would have said ,, "an absolute shower !"
And I'll add ,, cheating, lying, thieving, tax dodging, unscrupulous, work-shy, useless scumbags.
Can I suggest a total boycott of the polling stations next week ?
No I didn't think so ,, never mind, in the years to come you young things will learn that old can indeed also be wise ?

Spring has Sprung !

2010-04-28T16:57:00.003+01:00

Spring has sprung,
The grass is riz,
I wonder where the burdies is ?
The burd is on the wing ,,,
Now that's absurd ,,
The wing is on the burd !!
Boom-boom !!
And so it has come to pass ,,, Easter has come & gone .,., Now is the time !
Spring cleaning, moving stuff, decorating and all that jazz, is on the mind of yon burd wat I married all dem years ago !!
The bedroom needs decorating ,,, What again ?! ( it can't be more than 10-years since I last slaved away in there .,., not counting the sex of course .,., Yo ,, think that calls for another Boom-boom, don't you ? )
The hall needs re done too ,,, ( What ? ,, the painter / decorator guy next door did that no more than ,, was it ? oh that long !! .,., and then of course we promised ourselves a complete new bathroom upstairs after we bought the new kitchen !
So, this afternoon I've been moving stuff .,., chest of drawers from here to there, big storage cupboard from there to here, and naturally all the stuff that was inside these units is now being sifted, discarded or re situated.
I've come to the conclusion ,,, I know, it's taken me a while ,,, but ,,, A married man's work is never ending .,., we're akin to Forth Road Bridge painters ! .,., wonder if our single cousins act out this Spring ritual ?
Anyway I know my next few days on the golf course will be soooo tolerated ,,, the beloved will be in her element now for days on the above sifting, binning, cleaning & re cycling to locations afresh !
All I need concern myself with now is her finding the "right" wallpaper & paint !!
Oh aye, and ye might notice .,.,I've also done a wee Spring clean oan ma blog page in case ye didnae recognise me !

So where's the help ?

2010-04-18T16:56:00.005+01:00

Great intit !?
A wee bit of ASH and the country is on it's knees ,,,
Bet old Adolf wishes he'd thought of it !
But doesn't it surprise you that no bugger is lifting a finger to help those thousands of stranded passengers all over Europe ??
Not the Airlines ( who've taken more than their fair share of profit for many a long year),,
Not the Uk Government ( who've encouraged them ! and who should be doing something with a General Election coming up right on the back of this fiasco )
Not the Euro Parliament, nor the individual European country governments .,.,
No Sir ,,, you flew overseas for pleasure at Easter then you can find your own way back ,,, no matter the inconvenience ,, no matter the cost !
OK, so I have an axe to grind ,, half my daughter's family are stranded with her in Denmark ,, and the other half of her family are equally stranded but in France with their father ,,
It's bloody high time the airlines faced up to their responsibilities and at the very least laid on a few BUSES !! For Christ's sake .. how much can that cost ?
And aye they are suffering some losses at the moment but bet your very last Euro they'll pass that on to us sooner rather than later ,,, Just watch air fares rocket real soon now !
And you know what .,., if they increase by as much as a half a Euro they can shove their 'planes where the sun don't shine ! And I'll be wanting a refund on my new EXPENSIVE PASSPORT as well, since I can't use it ( no I'm not about to drive or take a slow boat to the far continent thanks very much ! )
A final message just in from Iceland :
"Leave £30Bn in used notes in a bag behind the Icelandic Embassy in London and we'll turn off the Volcano !"
Somebody ,, please ,, give them the cASH !!

So, we wait !

2010-04-16T00:30:00.003+01:00

This has been a funny old end of week ! ( but definitely not Ha-Ha ! )
The daughter plus hubby with their first born Anna had gone to Denmark to see their Danish family & let them see their latest little, but growing grandchild Amaia .,.,.,
At the same time the Ex son-in-law had taken the other three kids to celebrate their French grandmother's 80th. birthday.
So all were scattered in Europe when the Icelandic volcano decided to erupt !
I was due to drive back to Edinburgh tomorrow just as I had done last Friday, this time to pick them up from the airport rather than dropping them off !
Sadly as we now all know ,,, nothing is flying but the birds ! And unless they can find a flock of really Big Birds then they are all staying put .,., and for how long is anybody's guess right now !
This volcanic blow out btw, was not something arranged by me in order that my Friday golf game wouldn't be interrupted ! But what a freak of nature it has turned out to be ,,, first time EVER that all UK air traffic has been grounded ! ( and now most of near Europe too )
The daughter naturally is more than a little distraught .,., Her 3-bigger kids have been away with their father for 2 weeks and she absolutely hates these long separations ,, now looking like a possible further week since Norwegian Airways, with whom she is flying, have only two flights out of Copenhagen per week, Mon & Frid !
Of course I've tried doing the fatherly things to comfort her, telling her to relax and enjoy the extra holiday, that we'll take care of the biggies if they make it home before her ,, etc, etc, but she's a mother ,, the Earth Mother in fact .,., and mothers need to see their babies !
So, like I said at the beginning of this piece .,., We Wait !

Here it is then Al !

2010-04-09T09:53:00.004+01:00

I've NOT been asked to go into my photo folders open up the first folder, publish the tenth photo from the folder regardless of what it is and give a wee explanation of what the photo is all about, but I'm doing it anyway !!
The photo is my mum, dad & a camera shy little me aged about 4 ( circa 1947 'ish ) with my auntie Cissie ( mum's older sister ) & her sugar-daddy hubby Chay close behind.
It was taken in Arbroath where the auntie & uncle lived.
And now I've to nominate 5 more folk to do the same.
In effect, a chain letter/email. Like the above mentioned ( you can call him Al ! )I can't stand those 'if you don't do this something really bad will happen to a loved one' kind of nonsense so they all go into the bin - even if this isn't that kind of rubbish, being simply the sharing of random potentially entertaining, or interesting, information.
So I nominate Phyl, Thomas, Derek, WeeAnne & any A.N.Other to do their stuff & keep Al happy
:-)

That was the week that was ! ( or TW3 if you're old enough ! )

2010-04-04T11:17:00.010+01:00

The way we are .,., to the way we were ! In only a few short years !!

Well it's almost over.
The week of the mighty celebrations and silliness !
Soon I can get back on my oh so necessary DIET ! ( the underpants are killing me again ! )
Thursday 1st. ,, well what can I say ?.,., all the Fools were let out of the asylum for a morning ; special mention to our new'ish son-in-law for trying to convince us that Tories Ken Clarke & John Redwood and even Labour's John Cruddas had defected to the Lib/Dems ! Ehhh ?
Good try Thomas but with Ken Clarke you blew it !
Good Friday 2nd. saw us unable to get tickets for Chris Rea in concert at the Glasgow SECC, however not to be beaten for lack of a wee bit entrance paper we invited our friends & fellow disappointed fans J & S to come round and share a Chinese Take-Away while we listened to Chris Rea Cd's and got quietly plastered !! ( No need to drive home from this gig ! )
Saturday 3rd. and next came our wedding anniversary,,,
I find it hard to believe myself but today we have been married for ( let me just check it again ! ) .,., yip it was 1965 ,, so 45-years !! ( Hey, she was obviously a baby snatcher ,, or I was a child bride or something ? )
Bloody Hell, and her mother said it would never last ! Ha ..
She ( the daughter of the disbeliever, ie, the wife ) tells me this anniversary is something called Sapphire .,. I have absolutely no idea what she's talking about :-)
Next up, Monday 5th. and the anniversary of my being ,, or is it my coming ? ... Naw, I'm definitely no' HIM !
In any event this will be the actual Birthday day, not like one of Queeny's pseudo days .,., this is the real thing ! and NO, it's NOT the big Seven Ohhh as some cheeky b*****d so insulting asked .,., I'm much younger than that ,, years in fact ! Look at me for God's sake ,, do I look like an OLDIE ?!! Aw, really ??
Jumping back a day now, to Sunday 4th. ,, today in fact ! ,, the family Clan are a gathering, coming over ( the son & family ) & up ( the daughter & family ) to celebrate with the old folks and have a bit of a dinner ( and no doubt more drinkies ! .,., OK that's it ! ... this diet is now officially ,,, eh, Banjaxed ! )
Anyway, the problem with this momentous week is .,., the FOOD !! ( oh aye and the hooch ! )
I tried staying true to the good Doc. Atkins but temptation lay all around me ,, I really never stood a chance ,, a Chinese take-away for 4 ( I don't know how these Orientals are all so bloody thin ,, this meal always feeds at least 6 if not 8 ! )
An anniversary meal at our local pub/restaurant .,., a surf n' turf fit for a big guy ! But we were good ,, we opted for NIL PUD !! The wine was lovely and the aprés digestif liquer(s) were superb, but have already gone straight to the hips !!
And so to this Happy Anniversabirthday treat today ,,, Oh Jings !!
Hic, the aperitifs have started flowing already .,., so I'm off to indulge ,, just one more time !!

Honest !! See you again next week Doc. !!

Birthday Boy time .,., again :-(

2010-03-29T11:20:00.005+01:00

Soon I'll be yet one more year older ,, Arghhhhhhhh

It seems to have been happening for weeks this bloody birthday and it's not even a "special" one !!

I first discovered my beloved had bought me a brilliant new camera when the confirmation letter / bill flew through the letterbox a few weeks ago. I've been reading about all it's features & functions since but trying not to use it too much before the actual birthday day ,,,,

Yesterday I was sitting quietly reading when all hell broke loose and ALL my grandchildren and their mothers & fathers arrived out of the blue ! That's all 10- of them !! Oor wee living room just isnae big enough, but I made sure of retaining my seat by simply not moving !

It's very funny actually watching them all vieing for a place to park their bums .,., every time someone moved, another bum was promptly parked in the vacated seat ,, I eventually became quite confused though .,., trying to hold a conversation with any one of them became a case of following them around the room .,., first they're on the couch, then an easy chair, next a dining room chair,, then the floor ,,, phew ,, it's tiring this game of birthday musical chairs !

Anyway, the big kids ,,, #'s 1, 2 & 3 on my daughter's side, came to give me an early card & presents since they will be away in France with their dad next week on my actual birthday day !

So it was lovely ,, they even bought me stuff with their own money so I guess they really do love their old Pumpa ! Thanks guys ,, your pressies were great .,., and just a wee word to each of you,

Pumpa loves y'all too :-)

The son and his family had just dropped in for a coffee and a blether so I guess I have another birthday day to look forward to next week ? :-)

This birthday is turning into the longest one ever ,,, total time celebrating this is now looking like some 5- weeks !

Now I know how Queenie must feel with all her different birthday days !

Come to think of it, haven't seen her card yet ?

That "F" word raises its ugly head again.

2010-03-28T23:09:00.010+01:00

One of the worst disasters in Glasgow's history was the fire that broke out in Cheapside Street in the Anderston area of the city on March 28, 1960.
Fire and smoke billowed up into the night sky and was visible for miles around.
A total of 14 members of the Glasgow Fire Service and five men from the Glasgow Salvage Corps lost their lives fighting the blaze.
The fire started in a bonded warehouse that contained over a million gallons of whisky and rum. Within minutes of the firefighters arriving at the scene there was a massive explosion literally blowing the building apart.
The firemen and three appliances were buried in masonry.
As the fire spread it engulfed the tobacco warehouse, an ice cream factory and the Harland and Wolff engine works.
Fed by a huge lake of whisky, the fire took a week to extinguish completely.
Apart from the volatile nature of the liquid what made the fire dangerous to fight was the location of the building itself. The streets around the warehouse were very narrow and made it difficult for the emergency teams to get close enough to tackle the fire effectively.
Much criticism was later laid on the siting of the whisky warehouse in such a built-up area.
But nobody who remembers that night will ever forget one of Glasgow's most harrowing tragedies of the 20th century.

I was 17 in 1960. I had almost forgotten, until I saw it on TV last night, but one of my mother's older brothers ( Jim Crosbie ) was the Salvage Corps Fire Chief in Glasgow's Albion Street and was in attendance at that infamous night in Cheapside Street.
The loss of life suffered by the brave men of the Fire service that night was a nightmare. Uncle Jim survived this trauma but who knows what horrors he witnessed in Cheapside Street ?
Perhaps significantly, not long after, he upped sticks & took the family off to a new life in Australia ?

Those of you who read my blog from time to time will know, or may remember, that I also lost my old Dad to the after effects of a house fire. ( See October 21, 2009 OMG ,, not again ! )
He and his lady friend ( mum had died many years previously ) were overcome whilst trying to make their escape and died horrendous deaths from the effects of "smoke inhalation" some long weeks later.
This was the same Dad who made a heroic effort many years previously to save our little female child next door neighbour when she was caught in the middle of an inferno of her night clothes & long hair .,., Throwing her onto a carpet runner he ripped from our lobby floor, he wrapped her in it and beat the flames with his bare hands, but alas to no avail .,., this poor little soul too died some weeks later.
What an awful way to go ,,,

This past week my little grandson was suddenly inconsolable when out of the blue and sobbing he asked his mum ,, " Who'll hug me mummy when you die !"
This set me too thinking about death, hence the above memories surfacing yet again.

Are we, as a family I wonder, susceptable or prone to fire hazards ?
Oh God I hope not ,, if ever there was a way I DON'T want to die ....
Surely this can't be the case ?
I know that mastering the ability to make a fire is what separates us from the animals, but, I do worry, we've had more than our fair share of run-ins with this dreaded foe.

Socks & me

2010-03-26T10:32:00.008Z

Socks have always been something of a chore for me.
Choosing the correct colours, materials, thickness, plain or stripey, size etc, (and just how on earth can the same socks cover gents shoe sizes from 6 to 11 ??)
I actually much prefer summer months when I can generally go without the damned things !
Alternatively give me the Prince Charles arrangement with a brand new luxury pair every day !
This week I've had more than my fair share of socky troubles.
First it was a good heavy pair of "Get yer sports socks here, two perr fur a poun'"
I went out for a round of golf with a perfectly matching, intact pair, one on each foot ! and came back with a big toe-size hole in the right foot sock only !
Where the hell did that come from ? I mean these socks were not old ,, ,, well maybe 4 or 5 years but only used sparingly ! I binned them straight away ,, I will not wear holey, or worse still, darned socks, ever ( Oh Yuk ! )
Two days later it happened again ! A walk in town with herself and Hey-Presto, another pair of much more recently acquired sockies .,., fine dressy types ; another hole in the big toe region ! Another quick bin abandonment.
What on earth is happening ? Are the sock manufacturers neglecting their Quality Control ? Are the sheep making inferior wool ? Are man made fibres on the wane ?
I've put on a little extra weight over the winter months ( but not in the feet ! ) and all this bending down to put on fresh socks twice a day is fair doin' in my head ( or belly ? ) .,.,
However today, after the whole scenario occurred for the third time in a week I put my weary old foot up on a chair to put on a fresh pair of the offensive garments .,., and there it was ,, the culprit suddenly leapt ( poetic license ) into full & majestic view !
Oh dear, time to cut the ole toe nails again I fear .,.,
Funny how you forget stuff when you get old intit ?!

She's only gone & done it again !

2010-03-17T21:53:00.017Z

The beloved bought me a White Rhino some time ago, a magnificent speciman he was too ( and indeed still is ! ) He has pride of place in our living room and goes by the name Mukwa, after the traditional African wood from which he was made ! This guy was carved with great love and by an artist who had studied him well.

The White Rhinoceros of today is said to be descended from Ceratotherium praecox which lived around 7 million years ago, so he's no youngster, but isn't he beautiful ?
She found my Mukwa sitting all alone in a little African craft shop, in Crieff, Scotland, of all places and decided he was to be mine, no matter the cost ! I've always had this "thing" about these beautiful creatures you see ; I've even had one come at me full pelt intent on doing me severe mischief ,, fortunately I was some ten feet above him at the time and on solid ground when he crashed into the earth below me ,,, but I'll tell you this, the way the ground shook I never want to be chased on the same level !
As it happens Mukwa was fairly expensive but I'd gladly have parted with ten times as much to be his keeper, for he is magnificent, exquisite & absolutely unique ,, a one off.

A couple of weeks ago I discovered ( purely by accident ) that she'd done it to me again .,.,
It's getting near to my birthday (yeah, another one ! ) :o( ,,,, and coming downstairs early one morning I absentmindedly opened the mail, including what looked like a bit of junk mail addressed to herself.
Ooops ! I wakened up immediately on noticing the words ; " Thank you Mrs. B for your valued order ,,,, Your Camera will be delivered from Jessops Online store in two days ,,,, etc, etc" ,,, and a rather large bottom line sum of £££ detailing her purchase !!
So, not quite so unique and certainly not a one off this time, but she's just made me the proud & very happy owner of the Nikon I've been lusting after for some time but simply wouldn't buy because I already had the model just below this one and I really couldn't justify the expense of a 2nd. one to myself ! So the beloved justified it for me ! :o)
This amazing wee wuman spoils me rotten ,, has done all our married life.
Ye can keep yer José Mário dos Santos Félix Mourinho's .,.,

I have my very own Special One.

MGI PhotoSuite -- the Demise !

2010-03-07T18:47:00.007Z

Alas, now gone to that big Photo Manipulation project in the sky !
For some years now we, that's the entire Clan Buchanan, have used the very simple MGI PhotoSuite to do a bit of picture manipulation ,,, you know the kind of thing ,, removing a little devilish red eye, brightening up the odd darkish photo, cloning the snot from the we'an's noses ,,
nothing terribly exacting ,, just easy to do stuff ! ( for aren't we easy to do, simple folks ? )
Well we were !
This week, after yet another round of Microsoft's seemingly endless upgrades to my Vista Home edition server ( how much more upgrading can we all stand I wonder ? ) the faithful old MGI finally had enough, floated off in the mist and died !
It's apparently now so old & indeed old hat that even it's 2nd. generation owner Roxio ( sounds like some old stripper doesn't she ? ) is having no more to do with it ,,, no upgrades, no patches, so no way back .,., she's GONE now and gone for good !
So, since there was nothing else for it we ( well I ) decided .,.,
Let's look again at the two other options we have available to us .,., those we downloaded some years ago but were never able to use for lack of know-how ! Time to learn perhaps ?
First up we have Photo Shop .,., and all it's layers !! Jesus ! Have you ever tried comprehending this in any shape or form ? It's utter Gobble-de-Gook .,., was then and still is now, although to be fair they do offer an instruction manual with 24 ( yeah count them ,,, Twenty Four ! ) 1-hour tutorials !! And when you finally get to the 24th. hour, if you can remember even your bloody name never mind Tut 1, then go back and start all over again, but only if you still have the will to live !! Way too complicated, by far.
Next up we have The Gimp ! Sounds a bit Non PC to me ,, hey, am I the only one limping here ,, but apparently it's an acronym for GNU Image Manipulation Program.
Haha, this one is so much better .,., NOT ! .,., it comes with the obligatory manual too of course.,., some 300 odd pages this time and from the first, no let's not exaggerate, the 2nd. paragraph, is absolutely and totally incomprehensible .,.,
Now I'm not a dummy, I had a good education to higher level, and followed that with night school, etc but I'm damned if I can take in ANY of these programmes ,,,
Who writes this drivel shite ? It can only be NERDS of the computer age .,., in a language that only they and their fellows can follow .,.,
Please my followers, sign up here and let's send a New World Petition to such as these fools to compile a simple user manual ( ONE-A4 page max ! ) for all us old fogies who simply want to accomplish the simplist of photographic correction tasks ,, not send a man to the bloody moon !

God Only Knows.

2010-02-28T11:27:00.006Z

The other night I watched a tribute to one of my all time favourite groups, The Beach Boys.
This particular programme was dedicated to Dennis ( Wilson ) and his contribution to the group.
Dennis was a bit of a hell raiser and true mostly only to himself. ( A Hero or a Villain ? )
Perhaps not the nicest of guys, selfish to a fault, but boy did he work at his life's (Good Vibrations ) stuff.
Sadly, soaked in alchohol and hitting the hard drugs hard Dennis, at age 43 burned out and drowned ( possibly even intentionally opted out of life ? .,., Done all he had to do ? ,, ( Sail on Sailor )
Of course I knew the story from way back, when it all happened ,, all the details about both him and the truly genius brother Brian ,, the rest of the boys .,., and the bastard father (who has much to answer for ,, currently rotting in Hell hopefully ) ,,
But why such a price the creators always seem to have to pay for their genius ?
I found the whole thing very moving naturally, but it did set me to wondering again ,,,
( yeah I've mulled this one over many times in the past )
Maybe a 40-year life span lived at a high level of achievement is actually preferable to an 80-year span of ordinaryness ? ( Wouldn't it be Nice ? )
Who has the happiest, best, more fullfilled life ?
Mr. ( flawed ) Genius or Mr. ( conforming ) Average ???
I'll never know now .,., missed my chance years ago !
( brings us back to God Only Knows ? )
But I have my suspicions !!

Let us not scoff .... ( Och aye let's ! )

2010-02-24T10:23:00.010Z

England are off to the World Cup soon apparently !
It must surely be soon if all the hype is to be believed ?
Wright, Wright, Wright is all a dither already, dribbling thro' his gold tooth at the prospect of his team winning the cup ,,,!

( Somehow my vision is more like him crying after every game ? again ! )
Now remember what I said ,, we mustn't scoff ! After all they're not the brightest stars in the sky, footie players ( or ex-players ! ) are they ?
Fabio is telling his "aces" to behave, not to shame the shirt ,, or be sacked !

Ha ! A bit late maybe Fab ?
That'll be the same Fab who's taken the Captain shirt from the "Love Rat" and given it to the "Alleged Druggie" !
Oh, and the same manager that wants phantom phone texter and "Love Rat II" Cole in the team !! Well at least wee Cheryl has dumped him from her team !

Why aye pet...
Then there's the prospect of the ex captain playing alongside and building "Bridges" with his "friend" Wayne .,., ( well at least Wayne will know where he is for that 90 minutes ! )
The bold Terry only wants to win the Premier League title, the Champions League Cup AND the World Cup, Hahahaha ,,, oh and a few more more Groupies thrown in to the communal bath after the games wouldn't go amiss I'm sure ! ,,,

Only a totally brainless, but very rich, serial shagger could think in these terms and actually believe it might happen ? ( You can't BUY a World Cup son ! )
Well like I said ,, God bless them ,, they need all our support ???
Och naw, let's just scoff and buy the new World Cup tee shirt ,, The ABE !
( that's "anybody but engerland" just in case you've missed it )

PS for Fab : Before & after JOHN TERRY was famously dropped as captain when it was revealed he had bedded Chelsea and England team-mate Wayne Bridge's girlfriend, we also had/have :-
The other Engerland "stars" said to have cheated on their WAGs are, Ashley Cole, Frank Lampard, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Wayne Rooney, David James, David Beckham, Emile Heskey and Gabriel Agbonlahor.
Aston Villa striker Agbonlahor ( some English name that one ! ) got three girls pregnant.

He was allegedly seeing them all at the same time. ( quite a bloody striker then ! )

His Villa strike partner Ashley Young stripped off on webcam for a girl. ( not so much a striker as a flasher then ? )
Spurs front man Jermain Defoe denied being a love rat in 2008 after being accused of cheating on his then fiancée. ( aye right Jer, we believe you ,, even if she didn't ! )
So it's true then ,,, England WILL win the World Cup ?

Alreadty have in fact .,.,., Champs-of-sex-scandal-World-Cup that is of course.

My Beloved Valentine.

2010-02-14T10:12:00.009Z

Still crazy ( about the woman ) after all these years !

We stopped doing the soppy, stupidly expensive, cards & flowers long ago.

We now choose instead to express our love for one another in the much more practical form of a really nice bottle of wine, given each to the other and drunk over the following days with a couple of equally special, romantic meals for two, sometimes quietly in a nice restaurant, sometimes at home with appropriate background music ...

OK so some might say we are just a pair of old drunks, ( hic ) but I prefer to believe we are telling one another that we are still deeply in love and at the same time doing our bit to stick it to the Greeting Card & Flowers industry rip off merchants !

So on yet another Feb.14 together I raise my glass ( metaphorically of course for it's still only breakfast time ! ) in a toast to the Love of my Life.

Cheers petal, and long may it continue.

Love always xxx xx

You Shouldn't Laugh !,,, No, really, you shouldn't !

2010-02-12T08:19:00.009Z

Can you believe this ?
A BUNGLING medic managed to give a false LEFT foot to a patient who had lost a right leg !

Aw c'mon ,, you've got to be kidding me ?
And no' only that, the Numpty Doc. technician Malcolm Griffiths, failed to spot his blunder at TWO later check-ups with the patient.

Eh ? Wis he sober ?
The case of the "two left feet" charge is one of a list of complaints that false limb technician Griffiths will face at a disciplinary hearing next week.

Hey, maybe he thought his patient was Jake the Peg ?
He "could" be suspended or struck off if he's found unfit to practise. IF ???
Well he might no' be unfit, but I guess he disnae dance either !!
Griffiths was fired from the "SMART" centre - ( hahahahahaha the SMART centre ! ) a mobility clinic at Edinburgh's Astley Ainslie Hospital - in 2008.
He allegedly fitted the wrong foot to a patient identified as "A".

( And just let me get this right here ,,, "A" didnnae notice either that he had aquired TWO LEFT FEET ? )
He is also accused of causing "unnecessary delay and pain" by bungling the case of another patient, identified as "D".

Aw Don't tell me ,,, he put this one's new heid on back tae front ?
In all, this eejit faces complaints and allegations involving 11 patients.
Let me just comment here, if it took 'till patient #11 before his bosses noticed his poor performance then they should be fired as well !
It's alleged that he "demonstrated continual poor performance in several areas of his work". Alleged ?? alleged ,, who writes this garbage ?
Griffiths's fate will be decided next Thursday by the Health Professions Council Conduct and Competence Committee.
It's only taken from 2008 'till now to figure if this guy is competent or not .,.,.,
Jesus ! Gi' me strength !

When did the Renfrew Ferry last sink ?

2010-02-08T23:20:00.003Z

The AMPHIBIOUS bus ( the Amfibus ! ) that can travel on water and roads ( Hey, didn't Jesus do that walking on water thing too ? ) has been grounded - less than an hour after taking to the water. Glug, glug Oopps !
Trials on the River Clyde had to be abandoned because of a "technical problem".
Operators, Stagecoach ( Oh stop it ,,, it's the Pony Express again then ? ) were carrying out a two-day test and demonstration ( ha ! ) of the "horse bus" between Renfrew and Yoker.
But the trial had to be aborted when the bus/horse developed a wee problem !
You can take a horse to water you know .,.,., But now, Roy Rogers is being brought in as a "whisperer consultant !"
A Stagecoach spokesman said, "It's all part of the challenge you face when you have a technical trial and we will now go back to the evaluation process." ( Shank's Pony ? )
Horses for courses and all that !
Stagecoach ( can't these cowboys find a better name ? ) had intended to have two hours of tests this morning but had to stop after half an hour.
Glug, glug, glug ,,,, throw that horse a lifebelt !
Based on a bus chassis, the amfibus uses a hull that allows the vehicle to float.
( Aye well, some of the time mibbie ! ) While it operates like a normal coach ( or horse ) on the road, when it's in water it is driven by twin water jets and can achieve a speed of eight knots, but hey, so can a wee submarine !

The £700,000 Dutch-made vehicle ( HOW MUCH ? ) can carry 50 passengers ( right, after you Councillor ? ) and may replace the ferry service between Renfrew and Yoker, which is to be scrapped.,.,., wait for it ,, to save money ! .,., Hahahaha SAVE money ?? Spend a mere £700 grand PER ! and pay suitable compen to all souls "lost at river"! and Bingo ,, we're onto another Glesca winner ! 500-years from now they'll be moaning about it being replaced ,, probably by some wee dependable FERRY thing ?
That 500-year-old Renfrew Ferry service ( which I don't think ever suffered the ignomony of it's about-to-be successor ? ) will stop running in March because operators Strathclyde Partnership for Transport said it needed to save money.
Can somebody please buy these bampots a calculator ?
Incidentally, an amfibus has never been used in the UK for commuters.
( Mmmmm, wonder why ? Maybe they never came up again for air ? )
Anyway, the Spokesman went on to say: "We thought the bus horse would be particularly suited to linking the two sides of the Clyde where you can have one seamless journey from one side to the other ??? He said WHIT ?
"We often look at our rivers and estuaries and see them as a bit of a barrier to travel but we actually think they can be a link between two communities.
He did it again ,, Eh gibberish that, is it no'?
God, and he's still going on .,.,
"This service we think has got big potential." ( For what exactly ? Who still uses the old Ferry ? It's just a tourist or photographer attraction is it no' ? But of course a nostalgic one that should be kept !
I don't remember the last time I saw it actually MOVE and I'm getting on a bit ! )
However, I leave the last comment to the sharp wee cookie wrote about the aborted trial :
Bet that's the last time the driver dips his headlights :-)

An old friend is gone.

2010-02-03T17:04:00.004Z

I was more than happy some 10-years ago when my job reached the "at risk" stage after some 38-years, and I was later "allowed to leave"!!
Some of my staff/workforce, many of them long term employees like myself, became so much more than mere fellow workers over many of these years. Genuine whole family friendships developed, most of which have lasted a lifetime now.
However, as life & time passes and interests diversify we meet socially less & less and communication finally dwindles to an exchange of Xmas cards with a scant few words of what's been happening in our lives over the previous year !
Silly, silly mistake ! Why do we let this happen ?,, for don't we always end up regretting it ?.,., For no good reason we lose a whole set of friends .,., as if we had a superfluousity of them !
Then one day, completely out of the blue it all comes home to roost, back to bite you on the bum, and with such a vengence !
A good friend and old colleague suddenly and unexpectedly dies. Oh !
Not only that but I now find he's been fighting his killer, cancer, for some 3 or 4 years ,, and of course had I known I would certainly have made a point of visiting .,., How could you not visit a guy who can get into a party mood like this ?
Even worse, his wife & 2-boys were understandably devastated and I have only now found out that his funeral was last week.
A sad news day indeed so today I say a belated and heartfelt goodbye to one of nature's good guys, Cheeri Alex, so sorry to have missed your passing but we'll always have fond memories !