Fur Rabbie .. wi' love

A've bin threatenin' tae dae this at oor Golf Club Burns Nicht for years ,,,
Wan o' they nichts am gonnie pluck up the courage .,.,
Or dae a mean A'll drink up the courage :-) Whitever .,.,
Mibbie get flung oot oan ma ear though ?
Therr's an afae loat o' real Burns fans oot therr ???
Och whit the hell .,., here goes ! Whit dae ye think .,., ?

Tae a Fert !

O' whit a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Jist as ye sit doon, amang yer kin
Ther sterts tae stir an enormous wind

The neeps an tatties an mushie peas
Stert wurkin' lik a gentle breeze
But soon the pudin' wi the sauncie face
Ill huv ye blawin a' ower the place

Nae maitter whit the hell ye dae
Abody's gonnae huvtae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a wee bullet oot a rifle

Haud yer bum ticht tae the cherr
Tae try tae stoap the leakin' err
Shiftie yersel fae cheek tae cheek
An' pray tae Goad it disnae reek

But aw yer efforts go asunder
Oot it comes lik a' clap o' thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me, a sonic boom !

Goad almichty it fairly reeks
Hope a' huvnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog a' better hurry
Aw whit the hell, its no ma wurry

Abody roon aboot me chokin
Wan or two ur' nearly bokin
A'll feel better noo fur a' while
Cannae help but raise a smile

Wis him ! aw shout wi' accusin glower
Alas too late he's jist keeled ower
Ya dirty bugger they shout an' sterr
A dinnae feel welcome ony merr

Wherr ere ye go, let yer wind gan free
Sounds lik' jist the joab fur me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's perty
Ower the sake o' wan wee ferty


Slainte

Gericrumbles to a man !

Down at the Golf Club, just for a wee change ! .,.,

I was complaining today about my sore hip, which is giving me gyp !
( Note that wee bit of poetry there on Burns Night ! )
I was told in no uncertain fashion to belt up since I was one of the lucky ones .,., I was one of the Seniors "younger" members and one who was still "intact" !!
I decided to take a snap poll. ( never expecting the result which follows ! )
We were gathered round a table with some 12 golfers in attendance.
Of that lot there were only four who had all their original bones !
The rest ( 8 of 12 ! ) had either a new hip, new knee, or some of each .,.,
The next table had two missing players of their usual 4-ball today ,,, one recovering from a replacement hip job, the other waiting to go in for his !!
Of the two at the table one had had a heart attack about a year ago and the other has had recent eye surgery !
The table on the other side had old Ken .,., suffering badly these days from arthritis .,., He is the guy who walks round the course most days with his dog in tow ,,, it sits tight to the ground when a ball is being struck, then races after his master's ball, circling it after each shot like the Red Indians would a stagecoach, but never ever touching it. ( well trained golfing pooch ! )
Old Ken is now very, very slow and believe it not so is the damned dog ,,, for it too is apparently suffering arthritis in it's old age !! This sight has to be seen to be believed but I swear it's the truth !
Others of our group, but missing today, include, a stroke, three heart attacks, two hips & a knee ( waiting for the 2nd. one ! ) another hip, a bad back and a transplanted kidney !
Oh and a Bagpipe player !! and two other guys wi' deaf aids !!
I don't think I'm in a healthy place right now ?
Geriatrics .,., I mean Gericrumbles tae a bloody man the lot o' them !

Some movies can make you Suicidal !

Watched "The Hours" last night.
I've been a sort of latent Virginia Woolf fan for a long time and read her classic Mrs. Dalloway some years ago .,., a difficult read but well worth the effort.
Mrs Dalloway was the key element of the plot of both the Michael Cunningham novel The Hours and its subsequent screen adaptation. Cunningham's title was derived from Woolf's original title for Mrs Dalloway of course.
His novel won the 1999 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction, the 1999 PEN/Faulkner Award for Fiction, and was later made into this Oscar-winning 2002 movie.
Oh to write such a book !!
The way the movie plot is intertwined with the original novel and Virginia Woolf's own life is both masterful & wonderful. The intricate detail is in every frame if you know where to look.
The movie starred Nicole Kidman as VW, the amazing Meryl Streep as Clarissa ( Dalloway/ Vaughan ) & Julianne Moore as Laura Brown.
VW's war casualty, Septimus Smith, is replaced by the modern day Aids victim, poet Richard but the suicide outcome remains the same.
The movie left me completey drained emotionally and close to tears but what a joy .,., I must watch this movie again ( and maybe again ! )
I recommend it unreservedly, but would urge you, if you haven't already read it, to first read VW's Mrs. Dalloway.

I see the funny season has begun again ,,

And it's begun in earnest this year !
Some clown in Aberdeen is only trying to sell a hole in the ground !
Yours for only an offer over £30,000 .,., Hahahaha you have to hand it to them ? With entrepreneurial skills like this they'll "be millionaires by this time next year !!"
A mere 30 grand plus and you could be the proud owner of not only an old clapped out granite quarry but also the biggest (man-made) hole in all of Europe .,.,
Woop-de-doo, just what I've always wanted !
Phewwwww, thank God I don't have a spare 30 big ones lying around ,, I might just have been tempted !

So, I'm a Pumpa yet again !

The daughter finally gave birth to the new we'an on Mon 11th. at 9-10am
She weighed in at 9lbs-10oz .,.,note the Time : Weight ratio here !
And note also all you Maths nerds ,, she's a Binary Babe ! 11.01.10
I wonder if this now qualifies me for "Super-Pumpa" status ?
Dougie, Master of the Grand Order of Super Pumpas ??
This question follows a chat with my eldest grandson many years ago which went something like this :-
He explained to me one day while we were sitting alone … the 7- ages of man ! ….
He was about 4- years old at the time !
Pumpa ? ! ( well it was a question and an exclamation all at the same time ) he suddenly announced ,
You know what ?? ( a favourite expression of his )
First you're a baby, then you’re a tweenie , then next you become a biggie, then a schoolboy, then a papa ,,,, and then you’re a pumpa …
But that’s only six things I told him solemnly ….
There’s supposed to be seven ages of man ???
What comes after a Pumpa ??
He turned to face me , put his hands on his wee hips in that very special way he does, and shrugged his shoulders in what can only be described as his “ French shrug ! “… and said ….
Poouff … that’s it !
Arghhhhhhhhhh .,., My next step is …… Poouff !!… you’re deid pumpa !
I tried to explain to him that I didn’t really like this “ ending “ since I was already a pumpa and therefore had little time left in his “Cycle of Life”

A few days later he came back to me with this amended version :-
Pumpa , D’you know what ?
No I said , …. What ?
Ist you’re a baby
2nd you’re a Tweenie
3rd you’re a biggie ……
( all of this of course being the various stages of Nursery life )
4th pumpa, you’re a schoolboy
and 5th you get to be a papa
6th You’re a Pumpa ( and all the while he laboriously counted them off on his little fingers.
I had no idea where we were going with his theory this time or whether he’d simply forgotten that he’d told me all this before .
then he finally reached his goal …. All his own thinking too apparently !
7th you get to be a super pumpa !! AND…..
8th Then you become a super, brilliant Pumpa !!!
Well I suppose that gives me a goal to aim for …. For patently I’m not there yet !
Ahhhhhh … That’s my Boy ! he just knew I hadn’t liked the previous ending at Pumpa !!
But 8-stages of man ???? Ah why the hell not ?
Maybe if I ever reach that exulted stage he’ll add another for me ?

Another cracker from our brilliant Government ?

Spotted in a very small inside column in yesterday's newspaper.
The government is making plans to offload millions of doses of swine flu vaccine amid predictions that a "third wave" of the pandemic is unlikely to happen.
Well who'd have believed it ?
Offload it to whom I would ask ???
This was supposedly a WORLD Pandemic so was the UK the only country to buy this stuff ??
If not, then I repeat .,., to whom are they going to sell it ?
The Martians, or some "other worldly" race perhaps ??

Options (apparently) include selling surplus vaccine ??? or donating it to poorer countries !
Ahh, so we've wasted the British taxpayers money yet AGAIN ?
Cases of swine flu have now dropped dramatically to well below what is usually seen in winter flu outbreaks. ie, they were all WRONG ! AGAIN !!

And if there was a buyer in outer space then they've missed that boat too .,., since last week France announced it was selling millions of doses of their swine flu vaccine after finding they had more than enough to cope with any outbreak.

Oh but wait for it .,., here come the excuses .,.,
We have to keep a stockpile for ourselves because we don't know what's going to happen in 2010 .,., Hahahaha, like we KNEW what was going to happen at the start of every other year ??
So, by that reckoning we're also gonna have to stockpile anti-every-other unknown disease serum in case it happens in 2010 ?
If there was a resurgence we would look very foolish if we had disposed of a valuable stockpile. ( Hey, I've got news for you .,.,.,.,., )

Michael Summers, vice chair of the Patient's Association, said it would have been a "dereliction of duty" if the government had not ordered enough vaccine to cover everyone.
Oh, Let's make sure this one never gets into Government for God's sake .,.,!!
But he added, there were "lessons to be learnt" about negotiating contracts of this size.
Oh shit ,, he's already one of them !
Professor David Salisbury, head of immunisation :
The UK bought 60m doses of swine flu vaccine from GSK and 30m from Baxter.
An official figure for the cost of the vaccine to the UK has never been given but it is likely to run into hundreds of millions. ( that's 100's of MILLIONS of OUR money !)
And they accused the bankers of mismanaging our funds !!

In addition to selling or donating vaccine, another option under consideration is to keep supplies of the vaccine adjuvant, the booster chemical which is produced separately from the vaccine, to use in future pandemics. It has a shelf life of five years !
What future pandemic ?.,., when's the last time we had a pandemic ?.,., certainly more than 5-years ago .,., so what this actually translates into is simply this .,.,
By the time they come to dispose of it ( down the proverbial pan ) they'll think we'll all have forgotten, ( like they think we've forgotten their illegal expenses claims ) & of course they will no longer be in power and so will gleefully blame the next lot !!
Tee-hee-hee .,., what fun games these Politicos play !
Anybody got a spare wall we can line them up against ?

Come back Heather ,, all is forgiven !

Jesus it's cauld ! I don't remember a caulder day than this one and I've lived through quite a few ! Last night apparently, Scotland was as cold as the South Pole .,., I believe it !! Brrrrrrrrrrrr ..... I thought this was the Soo' Side, no' the Soo' Pole !
For the first time ever, well in the 37-years we'd lived in this house, we have a frozen pipe .,., :-(
Our small downstairs toilet, on the porch, ( that's inside of course ! ) is on the only outside wall not protected by cavity wall insulation and it feels a bit Baltic in there .,., the radiator in the wee'est room is just no' man enough to do the business obviously !!
Brrrrrr .... -23* C .,., When is it gonna end ? We Scots are no' made for these conditions .,.,
Nae chains for oor car tyres, nae furry boots, nae skis, nothin' ..,.,
and if you'll notice, it's all happened only since oor wee Heather ( the weather ) went away !!
Even the maddest of golfers can't play in this .,., and yeah, I'm one of the maddest so I know what I'm talking about !
Let's start a petition to get the BBC to "Bring Back Heather" .,.,
Judith, much as we lust after you, you've obviously simply not got Heather's weather gift ?

Prevaricating Politicians .,., Aye, so what else is new ?

The scorn and anger against the Islamic group planning a protest march with coffins through Wootton Bassett, the village renowned for honouring troops killed in Afghanistan, has intensified with Gordon Brown saying he is “personally appalled” by the prospect.

David Cameron, the Conservative leader, has condemned the proposed march by these people as “completely unacceptable”,

Chris Grayling, the shadow home secretary, called for the group to be banned, accusing it of wanting to “whip up hatred”.
He added: “I have already called for members of this group to be prosecuted for some of their activities and the Government should now ban this group altogether.”

East Kilbride Labour MP Adam Ingram, a former armed forces minister, told The Herald: “It is an outrage that people should even consider besmirching the good name of our service personnel in such a way. “This march and demonstration have no place in our democracy.”

Wiltshire Police said the force was aware of the “significant community concern” caused by the proposed march and could “in exceptional circumstances” apply to have it banned

What's wrong with these idiot Politicians ? Do something about it then !!
It's bloody simple as far as I'm concerned .,.,.,
­Islam4UK, a branch of the extremist al Muhajiroun movement,who are planning to have 500 members parading with empty coffins, symbolising Muslim victims, – should be lifted by our Special Branch MI5/6 and DEPORTED, and without any need for costly trials either .,.,.,
It's high time these foreign extremists were told ,,
THIS IS OUR COUNTRY and we don't want you here.

Rant time 2010 has begun !

I know we all live in the same world but how often do we stop and look at what's going on ?
The stupidity surrounding us is quite staggering at times ,, in fact most of the time !
I sight a few examples from today's newspapers .. but it could be ANY day's papers !

We're so surprised at having snow in winter in the UK that we're now about to run out of grit and salt .,., yep, and with at least another 10-days of freezing conditions and more white stuff falling .,., we can't find any grit !! Prepare to stay home !!

New security at our (Western ) airports means we will soon need to check in 3-hours ahead of flying !! Seems to me like the Terrorists have won the war ? No way will I be spending 6-hours in airports just to prove I'm not carrying a bomb in my boxers ! ( Yeah it's the same on the homeward journey ! )

Here's a goody .,., if you're ever caught speeding .,., always insist on seeing the Calibration Certificate for the camera used .,., chances are it's way out of date and you'll walk, with your driving licence still intact ! Thank you Dougie !!

More good news .,., the Recession ( that man made Banker ruse that's been used to rob us all .,., again ) will begin to end in the Spring ! We're to recover some later in the year .,.,
Oh goody, just in time for the next batch of lying, cheating, thieving, expenses driven MP's taking over as Government ! Tories this time round ?,,, Wow, what a difference that'll make :-(

Last item today ,,, Have you ever read through the COMPLETE list of New Year's Honours ?
I have ,, today ,, first time ever ! And last time ever !,,, But I do urge you .,., cast an eye over this lot .,., thousands of them .,., it's absolutely unbelievable .,., both the number and the reasons for their "honours." .,., You'll find them ALL in today's Glasgow Herald.
Here's just a wee selection ,,,

The ROYAL VICTORIAN MEDAL
Bar to RVM : Anthony John Hardingham, RVM, Tractor Driver, Sandringham Estate.

RVM
Glen Andrew Beveridge, Executive Butler, Government House, Melbourne. Mrs Patricia Joyce Earl, Housekeeper, Sandringham House. Constable Kevin Gande, Metropolitan Police. For services to Royalty Protection. Mrs Andrea Elizabeth Hudson, Cook, Royal Lodge. Miss Beverley Jones, Assistant Dresser to The Queen. George David Main, Gamekeeper, Balmoral Estate. David James McIntosh, Security Office Team Leader, Palace of Holyroodhouse. Mrs Vivienne Oates, Linen Room assistant, Buckingham Palace. Richard Sands, Yeoman Warder, HM Tower of London.

It really is time to rid ourselves of these Royals .,., as far as I can see all they do is take the piss !

Speaking as a Golfer !

Is this weather no’ hellish ?
I’ve completely forgotten now how to address a ball .,., Is it Mr, Mrs, Ms .,.,or Hey You Ba'??
And, the forecast is for MORE OF THIS white stuff for a further bloody fortnight !!

The lovely Judith just isn't doing the job Heather left her !

I can’t take it any more .,.,., I’m off to join the Tiddlywinks Society :-)
At least I can play that game in any kind of weather .,., I think ?
It's either that or "Heid-in-the-Oven" time has come ? mibbie ?
Or mibbie no !
C'mon weather people .,., let's get real .,.,

This is not keeping me fit, nor is it keeping my wee wifie sane !!
Ex Captain & current Secretary of .,.,., eh, nothing !!
PS : Have y'all seen the latest Golf Ad on Sky Sports ,,?

The orchestra conducted by our Ryder Cup Captain ?

Bet you didn't know Big Colin was such a fun guy ??

Dooougie the Scudder

A Bit of an Upper & Downer !

Went down to see the still pregnant daughter yesterday.
She'd told the NHS to stick their Caesarean section and waddled home again .,., she doesn't have time for a 6-week recovery with 4-other kids and a business to run she explained, and she'd had 8 pounders before so a 9 pound odds would be a case of grinning & bearing it !
Ouch as they say !
Anyway they decided ( her & her man ) that the house needed to be completely changed round, yet again !! The biggest boy ( 12 ) needed to either share with his little brother (4) or move into a smaller room so that two others could have his bigger room !!
He'd opted for the Greta Garbo "I vant to be alone" route so ,,, this gave them a problem !
The smaller place had been a child's bedroom and the daughter ( among her many other talents ) being something of an artist had done a 4-wall mural of dinasaurs et al floor to ceiling !
Very, very good they were but definitely NOT a 12-year old's dream decor !
So, I was sent with the almost teen to the wallpaper shop while mother went to the Queen Mum's place for her latest baby scan .,.,., only to be asked on our return if I could just paper the room TODAY ,,, like eh, 30th. Dec. just when I'm planning a lazy day in front of the TV with maybe a wee refreshment or three !
So we started at 4-30pm, me & my faithful paster assistant .,.,
Then in the middle of the job came the UPPER referred to in the title .,.,
With one & a half walls completed we were shouted down for dinner .,., and tonight it was the turn of the said 12-year old to prepare .,., He made us possibly the best Lasagne I've ever tasted .,., his 9, well almost 10 year old sister prepared the salad ,,, and together they also produced a huge bowl of delicious home made chips and a couple of garlic bread baguettes .,.,., Now this was no small undertaking ,, this was a meal for EIGHT !!
I now begin to see the logic light at the end of the daughter's tunnel .,., a use for all these we'ans my daughter keeps producing .,.,.,
If they are so well trained in the art of cookery at this stage, then by the time they're finished they'll have a full compliment of Butler, Chefs, House Maids ,,, the lot, for their old age !
Brilliant !
We were later brought drinks at the work place but I suspect ,, just to ensure we'd finish the job !! And so we did ,,, at 11-45pm !!
Home, knackered, large whisky & bed followed in quick succession ,,,
Thankfully that's ALL the rooms ( in that house ! ) finished .,., for the moment ???
Phewwwww ,,,,

And another ,, It's nearly there !

My earth mother daughter is expecting ,,, well we all are really !
Child number FIVE is imminent ! Yeah that was FIVE, it wasn't a misprint or anything ! I'm what's called a Super Pumpa ( that's Gramps to all you who don't know such words ).,.,

So much so that on her visit to the Doc yesterday he said ..
" Where has she gone ( the latest baked bean is another girl btw .,., it was either that or another boy of course !) .,., there's only 2/5ths. of the we'an left in your belly ( and if that's only 2/5ths. of it, all I can say is ,, Jesus !! ) .,., the rest is somewhere down in your pelvic region !! "
So she says " a new year baby then ?"
"Ha, what makes you think you'll last that long ?" says the good Doc ( who incidentally specialised(s) in gynaecology so presumably knows a near thing when he sees one ! ,, although it does give ME a little cause for concern when I go see him !! )
So anyway, the beloved & I are now preparing ourselves for a house full of little people when the Bells finally come in ( what a daft expression, there's nae bells comin' in here ,, no' enough room ! ) at midnight tomorrow !! Well we can hardly leave the other 4 out in the street now can we ?
Who knows, at the rate they shove these poor new mothers back out of the maternity NHS bed we'll be lucky if we don't have all five here complete with the new again maw & paw !
I really must get round to explaining to this child of mine what's causing all these we'ans to keep turning up !

Well it's nearly there.

2010 that is .,., another week and we're into yet another year !
I don't do resolutions any more ( impossible to keep at this time of the year aren't they ? )
So this year I'm not doing any again !
I would like to go back on my Atkins diet but later ,, maybe Feb. ,,, for I've gone back up a size again ,, I crept up a few years back to 17-of our Scottish stones !! It happened so slowly & gradually that I almost didn't notice but latterly the underpants began to nip ,,, Then I knew ! Extra large into large just doesn't go !
A mere few months later ( well ok, about 8 or 9 ) I was back to my svelt, super fit, fighting weight of 13 and a small quarter.
And so easy ,,, no hunger whatsoever ,, gone was the belly, and inches lost everywhere else too ,,
Now, a year or two on and I'm halfway back to that dreaded heavy weight division ,,, not my fighting weight at all ,, in fact it's almost my knock-out weight !
I'm hitting the scales currently at 15 and a half of these same Scottish stones ,, but now they feel more like bricks ! And the man bits are nipping again ,,, so it's either commando, new underwear, or the diet ? I'm not a natural soldier, so Doc A ,, hold the bread, potatoes, & beer .,., here I come !!

As Carrie Bradshaw might say .,.,.,

So Tiger's world is crumbling around his ears ,,,
His many misdemeanours are jumping out to bite him on the bum on an almost daily basis !
I can only say ,, what the hell did the stupid bugger expect ?

Did he really think he could keep this lifestyle up ( oops ! ) without the press finding out ?
However, you think as the first Sports Billionaire he should worry ?? Ha ,., he'll surely be financially sound for life, even if he's now hounded out of the game ?
But wait ,,, half of that billion might get to the poor used little woman & the kids ? I'm sure her ( very good ) lawyers will get the miserly $30 pre nup rescinded in favour of a proper share for a woman done wrong ?

I'm sure too that all the ladies of the night ( and day ) from Maine to Albuquerque will also be hiring good lawyers to jump on the $$$$ band wagon ,,, they seem to be looking at a few million each ,, ( and how many more to come out of the woodwork we wonder ? )

And all the lawyers ?? Boy oh boy ,, what a killing they'll make ,, they must be thinking right now ,, sweetie shop ,, we'ans ... ho ho .,.,,

The advertising giants are all now taking huge steps backwards too .,., well can you blame them ,, take Gillette for instance ,, they have the Tiger, no more Mr. Squeaky clean USA ( shaven or otherwise ! ) the French football cheat with the hand ,, also now lost as the sportsman of the decade and finally the Swiss tennis star of stars who has also come out of the woodwork to admit match fixing !!

And now, even Santa has been accused this week of using exclusively slave female reindeer to pull him around the world ( and all at minimum wage despite unsocial & overtime hours ! )

So as Carrie might ask ,,, Are all men bastards ,,, ? or just the ones that get caught ?

PS : Brilliant photo courtesy of the wonderful Annie Leibovitz

( sorry Annie I'm only borrowing it ! )

So it's Cherrio there !!

Well, well, well and OMG ,,,
The world must be coming to an end right enough ?
How will anything ever be the same again ?
I can't believe what I'm reading here ,,, is it Tiger Woods stepping down, leaving Golf for an "indefinite period" after the revelations of his 11- affairs !! ?
( Wow, talk about stamina, fitness .,., phew, all that shagging and STILL winning practically every tournament in golf .,., Tiger IS Superman surely !! .,., aye but the wife's found that green Kryptonite )
Naw, it's much more serious than that !
Heather the Weather is leaving the BBC "to pursue fresh projects in the fields of science and education." Jesus, as auld Arthur Montford would have said ,, It's a Disaster ! However will I know what conditions to expect on the golf course of a morning .,.,., Apparently Heather's duties will probably pass to wee thingy, Gail McGrane ... sorry hen, nothin' personal but you're no' fur me .,., I'm off to start a new affair myself now ,, with that sexy new weather stripper ( Oops sorry, wishful thinking ! ) eh, her with the tight skirts, the hair up ( but ready to come down with a quick shake of the head ... ohhhhh ), the specs that you just know are part of the act ! oh and the figure of a oooh, eh, nice big girl !!
Welcome juicy Judith and I will try and listen to your weather reports as well !!

Honest I will ... :0)

Nobody seems to have asked, so I'll do it !

Keep hearing this week about the Chancellor's Pre Budget Report ,,,
WHAT BLOODY BUDGET ??
We used to have ONE budget a year ,,
This budget ( in Dec. ? ) will be the THIRD this year if I'm not sadly mistaken ???
What are these bastards up to now ?,,, Just what makes them think they can get away with this multiple robbery ? It's not enough that they cheat, lie and rob us blind with their false expenses claims ,,, ( and btw WHY are none of them in JAIL yet ?? ) ,,, now they think they can have ANOTHER bloody budget at the drop of a hat ???
Well I've got news for them ,,,, make the best of it ya shower of low life CHUMPS for it's your last !

A Busy Day !

I've been a very busy boy today .,.,.,
I've read a lot of book ,,, a brilliant page turner that I'm almost finished now ,, but of course I want the joy of the actual finishing read in bed ,, later ?
So ,,, I've watched footie on TV too ,,,
I've kept myself quietly "out of the way" in a corner of the room.
We're having visitors later today for dinner ( & drinkies of course ! ) Oh and to watch ( & listen to ) that damned concert again !!
This is the night I predicted in my earlier blog .,., J & S are coming to do Cliffie !!
OMG I'm thinking ,, not again ,,,Yawn ,,,, this'll be 31/2 times I've been subjected to this !!
Anyway, what crossed my mind & worthy of a blog mention I thought was ,,,
Have you ever watched these footie managers ,, ? well of course you have ,, the constant gum chewing the eyes popping, the red angry faces, the swearing at the ref ,, .,.,
Aye, all of that stuff you've seen before .,.,
But .,., Today was slightly different .,.,
I watched first the game Liverpool V Everton ,, a local derby no less .,., top billing !
Managers Raffa Benitez and David Moyes were there, on the touchline the whole game ,,, shouting, cajoling, shaking heads, chewing ,, AND getting soaking wet ! Yeah, it was absolutely chucking it down and there they were, standing out on the very edge of their permitted areas getting lashed on, one wore a silly baseball cap ,, and a shortie coat !! !
The beloved was making ready for her guests ,, ( well she's the Cliff fan not me ! ) hoovering, dusting, polishing, cleaning glass, changing bathroom towels ! setting the table, etc, etc, .,.,
So yep, I helped ,,, I watched the Chelsea V Arsenal game too !.,.,., another local derby !
Still pissing it down from the heavens ,, and another pair of crazy soaking wet managers running the line ???
This time Arsene Venger in shortie anorak, bare head .,., it had a hood but did he have the gumption to put it up ?? ( French, so with a head start on dumb ) and Carlo Ancelotti ( Italian so not far behind the Frog ? ) Versace coat with woolen beenie hat ,, such STYLE !! .,., and again both of them looking like droont rats long before the first goal was scored .,.,
Now these are supposedly (semi) intelligent human beings wouldn't you think .,., bloody high earners at least .,., and not one of the four with common sense enough to buy a BROLLIE ?? Eh ???
I noticed yesterday that the Clever One ,, ( might even have been called the Special One if yon good looking Portugese hadn't beaten him to it ! ), the manager of the century apparently, at least had the forsight and brains to get himself banned from the touchline for four games ,,, ie The Rainy Period !! What a guy ?
But then again what would you expect ,, He is SCOTTISH after all :-)
PS : I haven't mentioned to her .,., I'm off for a quick shower ,,, before the Real Madrid V Barcelona local derby game starts !! Tee-hee-hee .,.,., wonder if it's raining in Spain ??

When will this nonsense end ?

And now talking serious brainwashing of our kids !
I read somewhere this week ( although I try hard never to look at such rubbish .,., See Al, I'm calming down ,, a few weeks back that would have been, such utter SHITE ! ) that that plastic titted ignoramus of a woman ? was getting paid £350,000 for carrying on like the fool she is and eating bugs in the jungle !! Jesus .,., save us from such stupidity !
I also saw, the same source obviously, that these two talentless little boys from the X-factor are now set to make £10 million in the next year .,.,., ?? For what for God's sake ?? They're not intelligent enough even to be let loose on children's TV .,., and I mean 2-year olds Tv ! I certainly wouldn't let any of my grandwe'ans watch them .,., lest they too become brainless by association !
These figures are absolutely disgusting .,., I worked ( and bloody hard ) for 40 years and never came anywhere near to having £350 K, let alone £10 M in the bank on retiring !!
What kind of message is this sending to our young folks ? Study, work hard, get a Uni degree ?? I don't think so .,., Bum about with your Hoodie pals, queue up with all the other idiots and get onto X-factor or some such garbage "show" .,., make a total arse of yourself and live like a King ,, well for a month or two anyway !
Simon Cowell and his like should be hounded out of the country .,., they are DUMBING DOWN our youth ! And of course our equally dumb & useless Government lets this happen .,., over & over ,, witness for example how our TV screens have been taken over .,., Gambling stations are impossible to avoid .,., poker, blackjack, roulette are now work substitutes apparently !
Talent-less shows mug us at every turn ,,, and poison our children's minds .,.,
God help us !! We are en route to Sodom & Gomorrah !
It really is time the silent majority got their act together and put a halt to this awful state of affairs !
Let's get that pendulum swinging back to real values, before it's too late .,., or have the Loonies already taken over the Asylum ?

And now it's Brain Washing of the We'ans !

Following on from the story below .,.,.,

I show this pic only as evidence .,., it may be required later by the Courts ?

Straightforward abuse and brainwashing of my grandwe'ans !!

I rest my case m'Lord !!

And I'll get to do it all over again & again ,,,, !

Oh Boy ! .,., Or do I mean Six-Five Special ?
That'll test the age group of my readers right away !!
Last night the beloved had her pal over .,., the pal is a die-hard Cliff fan ,, ( sorry SIR Cliff !! )
As a teenager the beloved was too but laterly she saw the light !
You remember Cliffie ,, The Move It / Travelling Light man ( who can't ! .,., hasn't a synchronised move in his whole body in fact )
Well topping off many, many expensive tour nights together they went to see The Final Reunion Tour .,., only Cliff & the Shadows .,., a snip at only £60 each !! Off their bloody heads doesn't quite describe my opinion of this expense ?
Anyway, no sooner had that been spent when she, the beloved , spends another £12-99 on the Cd of the show .,., "well I've got every other record he ever made ,, so I'm not wasting my collection now !" Then, to add insult to my injury, next came the DVD of the show !! ( another £15 or so I expect ) They could live it all over again .,., ad nauseam ( picture two fingers down my throat at this point ! )
Now y'all may remember I was fighting the good fight a few weeks back with Kev re my new cinema sound system and their faulty Sub Woofer ? Well I finally got a new replacement unit ,,,,
it arrived the very day Cliff & the Shadows DVD jumped through the letterbox !! Lucky or what ?
So I got to hear it ,, all 2 hours of it .,., just to check out the new Woofer you understand ! and hey, it was not at all bad ,,, !!

Oi'll gieve it Foive !! ( another wee 60's test ? ) Some of the old stuff was actually quite good .,. he's so much better with the Shadows .,., I made the mistake of saying that .,., out loud !!
Oh good she says ,, we'll watch it again when Maggie comes .,.,

Ohhhhhh MG !
And so last night I got to watch it all over again ,,, at concert hall volume too ,,, what the neighbours must think ,, apart from, Poor Dougie, she's doing it to him again !!
Now our pals J & S are scheduled to come round for a Chinese Take-Away / Drinkies .,., and a night with Cliffie !! Hell mend them ,, they also went to the SECC concert !
My final comment .,.,.,

Jesus, how many more fans does she know !!??

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh ,,, Help me .....

Life, Friends & Anger !

Just thinking ,,, what again you might say ?
We have quite a few friends, the beloved & I,,, perhaps on an individual basis, me more than she since I socialise at the golf club ! and she tends to socialise with her Wii during that time !
However our "couple" friends fall into quite diverse catagories .,., ( and seldom do we mix them .,., now isn't that strange ? ) Some happy with life and others ,, well not so !
But what got me going on this subject was this .,., some of our friends have, over the years, become increasingly angry and bitter ! Not necessarily with one another but with life in general ,, the daily grind of listening to our exasperating politicians, reading newspapers, watching TV current affairs ,,, lack of jobs, drug ridden teens, ( and others ) wars, religious fanatics ,, and on & on ,, Even herself & I have become somewhat angry old codgers at the stupidities we bump into on a weekly basis !
So much of our country has been given away, so much normal childhood fun now also gone .,., such a dumbing down of our once proud Nation ,,
Here, read this ,, just as a fun example of some of the kinda things that have gone wrong .,.,.,

This is simply a CONGRATULATIONS to all my friends & family who were born & raised in the 1940's, 50's, & 60's !
Firstly, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos..
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips,.,., no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, or Subways ( except of course Glesca's Clockwork Orange )
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death !
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We had no Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY,
no video/dvd films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms ........... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them !
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...
We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th. birthdays,
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them !
Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet !
RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that !! Getting into the team was based on MERIT ....
Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully’s always ruled the playground at school.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!
Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL !
All this was commonplace before the lawyers and the government regulated the LIFE out of our lives for our own good !

But the end result of all this is my worry ,, we now have a huge number of silver haired angry old pensioners. It was never anything like as bad in my parents time ,,, sure they thought all we teenagers were quite mad, .,., I mean Elvis Presley and his gyrating pelvis .,., Zoot suits & DA haircuts ,, etc,
But the gap betwixt us oldies and our youngies is growing ( and in some cases festering? )

Back to our friends .,.,., some of them are now in such a state that they let this anger rule their daily lives from dawn 'til dusk ! They make vicious comment on everything they see wrong with today's world .,., and here's the rub ,, sometimes antagonsing their very own nearest & dearest ! ,, we know one couple who, because of this antagonisation, have now lost all contact with their son, daughter-in-law & grandchild ! Very very sad indeed ,,,

None of our other friends have gone down this road ,, not this far at any rate ,, but now doing a study of all of them has helped me, and hopefully now the beloved too, to get out of this grumbling habit.
It is positively ( or do I mean negatively ? ) destructive and serves no real purpose .,., our happier friends don't give a toss .,., well that's not true either of course .,., they do, but refuse to let it change their personalities for the worse ... so from now on I'm not playing this game any more ,, I have all but given up on politics ,, reading papers and I refuse to watch current affairs on the dreadfully biased & insular BBC .
I will of course complain when necessary and will give my opinion on world affairs when asked ,, but I am hereby giving up my Grumpy Old Man personna for the more outgoing happy-go-lucky model me !
Have a nice day y'all :-)

The Wuman's at it again !

The dearly beloved got this new Wii thing recently .,., complete with the Wii Fit Board !

Now sporting this woman ain't .,., not on yer actual field of play anyway :0), although she does have her moments away from the field !!

Anyway, over the past weeks ,, or is it already months, she's become a bloody International, multi-talented, finely tuned athlete ! She is a Tennis player of some note, a downhill slalam Skier, a Ski jumper of professional standard, a long distance runner, a step board dancer, you name it and she's expert at it ,,, but only from the living room you understand !

She is the family Champion of Champions ,, beating even our grandchildren ,, to the teenage boy's great chagrin ! She even excels in the old Hula-Hoop & Yoga for God's sake .,.,

But today she finally got up my nose ,,, I came out of the bathroom this morning to see her whacking Golf balls 100-yards onto the Wii green ,,, one after another, with most of them landing 2" to about 2 ft. away from the flag .,.,., but the swing was painful to watch ,, head turning away from the ball ,, one leg flying up in the air ,, grip all wrong ,,, sooo, bad !! definitely not up to my semi professional standard .,., you know ,, a proper low'ish handicap golfer !

So I smirk to her ( in the nicest possible way ) .,., step aside pet & I'll show you how this game is actually meant to be played :0)

Now, this is how you swing a golf club .,.,

Well, I hit some 20-odd balls .,., not one on the bloody green & not one even close ,, I was averaging some 60 - 75 yards ??? and with a newly developed slice be Jesus !
How does she do it ,,, ? I was giving the ball laldy and just couldn't make the green ??

She has a similar technique with her Ski jumping ,, the rest of us trying so hard to push up at take off .. she, the slightest of movement and out jumps us by miles .,.,

It's sport Jim, but not as we know it !!

:0( I've retired !

The Memory's Gone .,., again !

It's been a wee while ! Last blog was over a week ago ? Not like me at all .,., Something or someone must have got up my nose in that time ! Surely I'm not mellowing in old age ??
I had a very good thought for a blog topic just before dinner ,,, about an hour ago .,.,
Now ? ,,,, can't bloody remember what it was ?? Too busy this past week or so ,,,
I've been losing my cool with some "suppliers" ,,,
Why is nothing made properly these days ,, ?
Every damn thing needs taking back & changed !
However I am having a good run of "successes" this past wee while ( ie, rubbish goods & services that I've managed to get replacements or money back from ! )
Here's the list ,,, so far !
British Rail , PC World ( for Epson ), Superfi ( for Kef ), B & Q ( late delivery & microvave problem), Egg ( credit card problem ) Earrings & Necklace problem ( not mine I hasten to add ! ) and faulty new Golf Bag !
But it's such a drag having to pursue these people ,,,, how much better if they just GOT IT RIGHT to start with ?

OMG ,, not again !

This nightmare is never ending .,.,
The news report last night ( I tried so hard not to hear it ) of the little girl 'phoning for help as she died in a blaze .,., reportedly started by her father ! If he did then there is no sentence the courts can pass that will ever fit his crime .,., I sentence him to rot slowly in Hell for all eternity.
This is yet another death by fire which seems to have plagued my life for as long as I can remember.
I make no apology for lifting this story excerpt from my own book and blogging it this morning ....

Then there was the day, or was it the night ? ------ yes it was definitely the late evening, and one I’ll never, ever forget …….
We heard the screams first of all, loud and piercing and prolonged screams …. Awful screams …..
We thought at first, well I thought, that maybe someone was “carrying on“ ,,,,, some “ high jinx in the close “ , something like that …… then the thought that some people were fighting or ………… then finally, the sudden realization as the screams became even louder and more pain-filled, that someone was in real trouble …. and right outside our door, 3-stories up !!
Up each of the closes in Burgher St., three families lived on each “ landing “, with one communal outside toilet on the half landing . That was 12 families to the close ? ….. very bloody close we all became …. we stayed in the top flat, left as you climbed the stairs, right of course if you looked up from the street !
Jean Moore and her old dad stayed directly opposite us on the top floor. I can still see big Jean in her Rangers Scarf going to the football match on a Sat. afternoon … A big bruiser of a woman she was …. I think I even to this day still have a photograph of her just as I’ve described . But the Salt of the Earth .
Old Mrs. MacFedris stayed directly below us. She and her sister lived together, two old Lady-Buddies … and boy, did they suffer ! These were the two old dearies that used to have to put up with that budding football star and his coach , when dad and I played football up and down the lobby with the tanner ba’. Thinking back we really must have made a helluva din on top of these old souls ….. dad wasn’t exactly your light weight coach !!! and we would hoot and holler up and down the lobby for ages some nights …. no tv in those days either so we had to do our own thing ,,,,, make our own entertainment … and these were also the days of minimalist floor coverings ,,,, no wall to wall thick Axminster carpeting in this neck of the woods …… bare floorboards were the order of the day !! I can recall mum shouting at us to calm down some nights so I guess we must have been going at it .
Anyway to return to the story which, quite frankly, I’m not sure I can write, and I know I’m trying to avoid actually putting it down on paper …… some painful memories are perhaps better left dormant ?
I’ve spoken about this incident before, to people very close to me, but I’ve never seen it written down and I don’t know that I really want to .
The little girl was perhaps 5 or 6 , maybe as old as 7 but no more ---- she was 2 or 3 years younger than me, that’s all I can remember. She lived next door, in the middle flat .
How sad, I don’t even remember her name now ? I seem to recall an older sister and a mother but I don’t recall a father in that house somehow.
I can’t focus on her name or the family name ,,,,, I’m sure the trauma of it has made me block them out of my mind . I started to think about her again after my dad died …….. naturally …. but that’s another painful story for much later .
She had long, long black hair , that I remember, and she was wearing a long white nightie that fateful night. This I know absolutely. I can still see her .
The screams suddenly got louder as their door was thrown open and her mother started yelling for someone to help …..
“ Help ! help me , she’s burning ,” she cried.
Only then did we realize what was happening …… this seems to have taken an age to tell to this point but it all happened in seconds, from that first scream until we were all out on the landing .
If I live to be 100 I’ll never be able to forget that horror on the landing .
It simply won’t erase itself from my memory. It brings me to tears even reading this again.
The little girl was ablaze, from head to toe ----- her long beautiful hair was on fire and her face and head were in the middle of a raging inferno and she was jumping up and down on the spot, screaming and screaming and screaming ……. and oh God, screaming …
I couldn’t look, yet I couldn’t look away ,,,, I’d never witnessed anything so truly awful in my life before, nor since, and I never, ever want to again .
My mum pulled me to her apron and hid my face …… but still I witnessed the horror ….
My dad turned into an instant hero that night.
He pulled the loose carpet runner from our lobby ( fortunately not fitted or nailed down ) and dragged it onto the landing . He pulled the little girl down onto it, still screaming in terror and burning wildly ,,, the flames were about 3-feet above her head now, and all the way up his arms , ,,, he wrapped and rolled her in the carpet until the flames went out.
However, by the time that was done it was already too late --- the damage had been well and truly done …… her body and head burns were so severe that my little neighbour died, but not ‘til some 3 or 4 long, long painful days later . That’s another smell I can smell still ….. human flesh burning …..
I have absolutely no recollection of anything else that night, no ambulance, no medics, doctor, police ,,,,,, all of which must have happened ,,,,,, but to this day I can still see that little figure standing there totally engulfed in flames ,,, and I still hear her screammmmssss ,,, oh the screammmmmmsss …………..
It could have been yesterday ……….. it WAS yesterday … and today …. and tomorrow ….
This I guess is what affected me so badly when my dad died from the effects of that dammed fire . And again yesterday when I heard that news story .,.,
I couldn't sleep last night again.
I just hate fire so much .,., when I hear of anyone suffering a similar fate on the news it destroys yet another little part inside my soul .

A Near Disaster Down a French Coal Mine !

Also click on this link & watch the video :

http://culturebox.france3.fr/all/2254/

Ok, so here it is ,, that story referred to in my previous Blog. ( with photo & video update above )

A work colleague, Malcolm Marshall, & myself were sent off on a MISSION to France for the Company back in the winter of 1993 or '94 .. ish or maybe even earlier ?
A coal mine, Freyming, in the Alsace Lorraine district, south east France, on the German border was having serious problems with a huge batch of our world famous underground Methane detectors, a semi portable combustible gas detector specifically designed for underground work.

( although to this day ,, you just try getting a real miner to leave the canary top side ! )
Malcolm was to be the technical Whiz since this was a “Safety Division“ portable product.
I was to be the overseer, both technically and commercially ,,, the customer contact man and prime negotiator ,, ( not Malcolm’s forte ! )
Ronald Scott, our MD at the time, had advised me that this would be a huge challenge, since if these instruments had to be returned for full credit we would lose a fortune, and also lose all follow up sales in Europe to boot !!
Och no problem then, thinks me ,.,. gulp !!
Anyway off we set ( with barely a word of French between us I might add ! )
We arrived and were ensconced in a wee French hotel in the middle of nowhere, somewhat akin to a poor Travel Lodge type of thing !!

( Ronald was obviously treating his top men well ! Big Bugger ,, he later got an MBE for his services to industry while we did the work ! ,, but a good guy really on reflection )
Next morning we were up with the lark and off to the Pit .,,. Introductions were made between us & the Mine Management personnel ( English speakers thank God ! ,, no need for our school boy French or translators ,, above ground at least ! ) We also met all the appropriate technical engineers who would be working with us, some of the miners using the equipment and of course the pit’s Lamp Man ! .,., he who dishes out safety helmet, Davy lamp, gas detectors etc, to the guys going underground for their 7-hour shift.
We were then taken to the Pit changing area to get kitted out for our first trip underground ( in France that is ,,, we had been down many other UK pits before this )
The sun was just coming up now for we’d set off very early to try catching the 6-am shift going down ,,, It was a typical late autumn, early winter morning in France ,, slightly misty, with the sun breaking through with great shafts of light coming in the windows.
I had expected a British style worker’s changing room with bench seats and lockers round the walls for our clothes etc ,,, but what I saw when I entered this ENORMOUS ( football stadium sized ) room was a sight that will never leave me ,,, it took my breath away ,, mine and Malcolm’s .,,. I looked around at eye level ,, body height ,,, no benches, no lockers ,,, ( we were alone in this room, the miners having already passed through ) then something drew our eyes upwards ,,,, a movement above us, the roof was a multitude of glass panels some 50-feet up ,, the sun was streaming in, in great wide shafts ,,, it took us a moment or two to focus ,,, then .,., all of a sudden, there they were ,,,
Bodies seemingly, dozens of them, swaying, ever so slowly turning, arms hanging limply by their sides, legs quite still, hanging 20-30 feet up in the air ,, on chains !! I couldn’t help myself ,,, “ Jesus Christ ! ” I shouted, “ what the hell is that “,,, then it all became clear ,,, These were the French Miner’s lockers in the sky .,.,., we quickly learned how to use this most ingenious but bloody scary contraption. The “body holder” ( in reality a fancy coat hanger with places for trousers, jackets, and even hats ,, ) was lowered on a long chain ,, you then proceeded to undress yourself ( standing up ! ) and dress the dumb waiter ,,, once you had donned your dungarees, boots etc, all your clothes & valuables were then hoisted up to whatever height you considered “safe”, where you then fastened a padlock through the chain, pocketing the key in a safe place in your dungarees, leaving your stuff dangling in the air till your return.
This is a sight I will truly never forget ! Oh that I had had my camera that week .,.,

I have now learned they call this room "Salle des Pendus" ,,, or "Room of the Hanged Men" ,, how very apt ! ?
Anyway, to cut a long story somewhat short ,,, Malcolm & I worked diligently for days on end down in the bowels of this pit, the deepest, muddiest and furthest train ride then walk to the lowest coal face I’ve ever seen, ( we were on our backs at some points at a 2-foot face ) trying to figure out the problem of these faulty instruments ,,, ( this was one of the Company’s most successful lines in preventing underground explosions so it was baffling that this French company ,,, one of the first to use them on the continent ,, was having such problems.
We monitored every unit going underground, checked it on it’s return, saw them being calibrated in the lab ,, everything ,,, and still the faults came ( instability, odd alarms ,,, ! )

We were beginning to suffer from sleep deprivation trying to cover all shifts during the day’s 24-hours.
Then came the long awaited breakthrough .,.,., first, we were very close to Hombourg Haut, my son-in-law’s ( at the time ! ) family home so I decided to take Malcolm for an evening visit to meet my French in-laws.
Secondly, André’s dad, wee Roland, was a very congenial host and plied us with the family's “Home Made Schnapps” as well as tales of when he himself worked in the very Mine we were investigating !! ( he had actually been Freyming's Lamp man years before ! ) Wow, What a small world I thought ,,,
Anyway, Annie & Roland fed us a splendid meal and home we eventually toddled to our sumptuous hotel ! ( NOT )
A few days later, about 10-days now into our visit, much more technical data taken and analysed, and more and more distraught calls from our home based MD, Ronald Scott, bemoaning our progress or lack of ,,, we hit the Mine for the mid morning shift changeover and were in the calibration lab when elevenses happened !
In comes the old Pit Lamp Man carrying a tray of drinks !! Eh ? Whit ?? The guys all have their little glass of “hooch” with their morning croissant ,, including me of course !! but not the dedicated Malcolm ,,, who carries on calibrating instrument after instrument ,,,
Shit, I suddenly think ,,, this is what my son-in-law's old man Roland had told us and we didn’t twig ,,, the Lamp man, with absolutely bugger all to do for the whole shift time the miners are underground, becomes the pit Schnapps Maker !! They have their own illegal distillery in practically every pit in France apparently ! .,., but I didn’t for a moment consider they might actually drink the stuff whilst calibrating their life saving instruments ( or prior to going underground !! )
Even yet it still hadn’t percolated through my sleep deprived brain ,, but as I swigged my drink and calibrated my next instrument it suddenly dawned ,, like a shaft of that great sunlight it hit me ,,, Malcolm missed it because he remained tee-total on the job !
For the non-technically minded among you , methane ( the potential underground danger gas ) is a simple hydrocarbon .,., alcohol is similarly a simple hydrocarbon ,,,, the instruments being zeroed on pure nitrogen of course, and then spanned ( calibrated to correctly read explosive levels of methane gas ) were being confused and incorrectly zeroed because of the hydrocarbon gas on the lab technician’s breath ! ( and similarly later underground on the miners breath ! )

Ipsofacto the calibrations were all over the place giving spurious / false alarms. Problem solved !
I proved this to myself by simply breathing up close to the instrument sensor and then called out to Malcolm “ Pack your suitcase ,.,. We’re going home my son “
An afternoon of discussions with the Mine Management, a call to Ronald ( who practically kissed me thro’ the phone and was forever after grateful ) and we were on our way ,,, but not before the very grateful and relieved Mine Manager ( for it was he who had specified using the MSA instruments and not a local alternative !! ) presented Malcolm and I with very special gifts. Mine was a hand painted Japanese water / Sake jug with 6-little drinking glasses ,,,, ( how appropriate was that !! ) .,., each glass with a different naked woman on the inside base who only shows when there is Sake or clear liquid in the glass ,,,
I still have it to this day ! I don’t remember what he gave Malcolm .,., something different but equally unique !!
I rather think however, we were not quite as popular in the Lab or down the pit because a stop was immediately put on their mid morn hooch habit !!

From Coal Miner to Professor ?

We were just talking last week ,, her indoors & me ,, about our new ( 'ish ) son-in-law !
Don't worry Thomas, it was all pretty positive !
We were kinda doin' a comparison twixt the old & the new .,., and really it wasn't the sons -in-law, but the Maws & Paws in-law who were being compared.
First off we had one of the salt-of-the-earth .,., little Roland, the Coal Miner .,., I had stuff in common with the wee man from Hombourg-Haut, having spent much of my own working life in the pursuit of underground life saving instrumentation. I even spent the best part of 2-weeks working in his Pit in France investigating peculiarly French problems ! ( something for another blog perhaps )
Then we got Peter, the absent minded Professor ... now Peter & I have little in common, work wise, even less belief wise, for Peter is a University Prof. of Theology & Divinity, but that aside he's a helluva guy and we get on like long lost brothers !
Roland, in his own quiet way was a fun wee man .,., alas, sadly now gone, both from our family and from this mortal coil ,,
Peter could never be descibed as a wee guy ,, more something of a man mountain ,, but both these guys enjoy(ed) good company & good whisky .,.,., In different circumstances I could actually see them also get on well together !
In France the Mother-in-law to my dear daughter was like a real mother, but more of a granny in both age & attitude to her beloved #2 son. Annie never worked outside the home ,,, but she did more than her fair share in children & culinary duties. A lovely old lady. I miss her.
Now there is Brita, who never stopped working ,,, and what fame she brings to the family ,, first ever Lady Minister of Religion in all of Denmark ,, Brita has now been forced from her beloved Church & into retirement ,, and she's finding it hard ! ( I must introduce this woman to Golf ! )
Like our sorely missed Angela ( our son's Ma-in-law) Both women in their own way are gems .,., I'm so happy to have known them .,., but I also wonder now, after the divorce & re-marriage, what they all think of us ,, the other side of the coin ?
Anyway, getting back to the first thought .,., not surprisingly, since the daughter chose them both, there are similarities betwixt the sons-in-law past & present .,.,
Both are absolute NERDS !! but there is a very fundamental difference .,., which I now see daily. The 2nd. ( and hopefully the last ! ) has brought the joy back into my daughter's life .,., his love for her shines like a beacon in the fog .,.,
Thomas/Phyllis, you need do no more than love each other this way, always, and you'll be the happiest of people.

Water, water, everywhere !

There's nothing frightens me more .,., well maybe frightens isn't the right word, but gets under my skin more .,., than water leaks in the house. They always make such a damned mess !

We came home from a jaunt around town the other day .,., As I opened the door & went to switch off the house alarm I heard it .,.,., that nauseating sound ... drip, drip, drip ,,, coming ( and quite fast ) from upstairs in the hall ! I ran upstairs ,, there was water running down the walls, though the ceiling rose & light shade, the carpet was squelching under my feet .,., Oh shit I said ,, what the hell !

I stupidly started to mop up the carpet !! Now there was clever eh ? The light bulb was about to pop ( for hadn't I also switched it on to see better !! ) but there I was ,,, mopping up !!

Not only does water damage make a bloody mess .,., it also turns normally intelligent folks into gibbering idiots !

I recovered a bit ,, dived out to the garage for step ladders to get me into the loft ,, dragged my old bod up there from the top of the ladder and started investigating ,,, I quickly located the problem ,, the big cold water tank had over-filled and water was running off down the overflow pipe ,, This of course should go to the OUTSIDE of the loft but ,, and here was the cause of the flood ,, the bloody overflow pipe to outside was broken ,, inside the loft, and water was running out and dripping down through the rafters and into the hall !

I again turned into gibbering idiot mode .,., Tried getting the broken pipe re joined to divert the overflow into the garden via the correct route .,.,

Now here I was partly successful .,., It seemed to be (mostly) now going out the side of the house ! So I mopped up the loft a bit, came down and set about mopping up the carpet, drying out the ceiling rose, light bulb, and wiring ,,, bursting the water filled bubbles in the wallpaper ,,( big water bubbles ! ) and towelling down the wallpaper .,., Eh ?

We left it at that for a while ,,, thinking what to do next to effect a permanent repair ,,

Call a plumber maybe ? .,., No, not yet ,, let's just think .,., Doh ! ,,,

A few hours later .,., maybe around 1-30am we decided to go to bed and check it again in the cold light of morning .,., That was mistake #2 !! As we went upstairs ( thank God the bedroom was UP ) .,., we noticed a fresh stream running down the now sodden wall !! Oh Shit ! again ,,,

Now just to make you smile even more at this point ,, I had discarded all of my clothes downstairs into the washing machine just before heading up to bed ,, somewhat exhausted from the mental as well as physical effort earlier .,.,., So now it was quickly back up the ladder & into the loft again ,, but this time BOLLOCK NAKED ! And with the beloved holding the ladder ( from below naturally .,., thank God she's not a photographer !! )

Another hour or so & I had just about stopped the flow down the wall ! A few more hours later after a little fitful sleep I got up and checked it all again ,,

OK I announced, it's time to get a plumber out !! Bright or what ?

I spoke to my tame Central Heating Boiler guy ,,

His first question ,, of course ,, HAVE YOU TURNED OFF THE WATER SUPPLY ?

Eh ? Whit ? OMG .,., How could I have forgotten to do that simple little valve turn off thing ???

Told you .,., Water + semi intelligent bloke = complete gibbering eejit !

And the moral to this story is ? Have all water pipes & connetions OUTSIDE the home !!

For of course, naturally, as all women do, before we had even looked into the loft at the outset of this tale ,, the beloved was already talking .,.,., RE-DECORATION of the hall as an absolute MUST !!

As a friend of mine might say ,, Crivens, Jings, & Help Ma Bloody Bob !

Who's the Racist ?

My better half came up with an interesting slant on the current Whoo-Ha going on over that daft dancer ,, Anton du what's-is-name ,, him who, for tonight's show at least, is having to have full armed security around the studios to protect him from possible attack from the crazy fundamentalist Muslim militants we let stay in OUR country !
What was daftie's crime ? He jokingly said his dance partner looked like a "Paki" after a tanning session. Now here's the rub, according to my beloved !
Since Anton's lovely Moroccan woman partner took such umbridge to this remark .,., ie, insulted to be called a "Paki" .,., then surely it's HER who's the racist ,, not the obviously joking dancer ?? Good point my dear .,., I couldn't agree more .,.,
Get her some security quick !! The Loonies might have worked this out too !!

Two wee gems from today's Paper

IN ANOTHER case of manufacturers stating the bleeding obvious. a guy who was ill a few weeks back was prescribed the antibiotic Augmentin.
He read the obligatory information leaflet dutifully, and as always there was a long list of possible side effects, which finished with, ‘In extremely rare circumstances deaths have been reported’.
The leaflet then went on to advise, in bold letters, ‘If any of the above happen to you, stop taking Augmentin and see your doctor straight away’ !!
ie, see the Doctor right away if you die.

THIS is toilet humour at its very best ! A guy from Charlotte, North Carolina, wrote : “I have a friend who was once a toilet attendant in London Kings Cross station and I asked him what the job was really like. ‘It’s murder, ’ he said. ‘Ye get awe the weirdos in. Pimps, transsexuals, glue sniffers, drug addicts, drunks, tramps…the list goes on and on and on’.
“He finished with, ‘Matter of fact, when someone comes in for an honest tae goodness shite it’s like a breath of fresh air’.”
Hahahaha, sniff that for a lavvy laugh !

Dreamin' again !

It happened again last night ,, Zzzzzzzz ,,,, there I was .,.,., dreamin' !

This time I wasn't laughing .,., This time I was very puzzled, perplexed even ,,,

A quick glance at the old luminous dial on my wrist told me to get back to sleep .,., It was 5-05 am !

What had wakened me this time .,., well who knows how this stuff happens ,, I was desperate to remember the correct names of ,,, wait for it ,,, The Proclaimers twins ! Eh ? Why ? God alone knows ,,, I went thro' all kinds of Scottishy type names for the boys, but could I remember ( or get the buggers out of my head ? ) .,., Nope, for the next hour I lay tossing names around in my stupid head then it hit me .,.,., No, not the twins .,., another one jumped into my crazy cranium .,. Buddy Holly .,., what was Buddy's real name .,., Oh Jesus, that does it, I thought .,., I'm sleeping no more tonight/this morning ! ,, this'll take another bloody hour ,, and so it went on ,,, it was 8.am when I finally gave into this nonsense ,, simply couldn't cope with the trauma of not remembering these guys names any longer .,., so up I got, down the stairs I went, and sat down for a wee morning chat with my old pal, Google ! Christ, what would we do without our old pal Google these days ? The good Mr. G provided the answers in the blink of an eye .,., wonder if he'll come to bed with me tonight :0) .,., just in case ? Or have I just dreamed up a new perversion ?? Oh and just in case you get addicted yourself .,.,

Craig & Charlie Reid .,., and of course, Charles Hardin Holley .,., ( with that extra "e" )

How could I possibly have forgotten Buddy ?.,., I've known that ever since The American Pie crashed !! Dreams are funny things .,., Nae wonder Auld Freud made a mint .,.,

Oh and just by the by .,., It suddenly dawned on me the connection .,., it's the Specs intit !

Phew ,, glad I at least got that wee bit sorted out.

OMG ,, now that's really spooky ,, I've just noticed ,,, Buddy died on the 2nd. of March

That's my beloved's birthday ,,, Look at her photo .,., with the Buddy Holly Glasses .,.,

Mr. Freud, please tell me what this all means ...

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

A Happy Period in my Life too !

A few years back I owned the above Fiat Coupé. It was a dream machine. I bought it brand spanking new and in the only colour worthy of the car .,., Fiat YELLOW ! That's, in yer face YELLOW with sexy BLACK touches here & there ,,,

It had the look of a Lamborghini .,., it really did ,,, ok a poor man's Lamborghini maybe, but a real stunning LOOKER !

Often I was asked when parking ( ok, generally by overawed little boys ) .,., Mister, is that a Lamborghini ?

However, I didn't have to travel too far for my ego to be well & truly grounded .,.,

I worked in Coatbridge at the time ( you know, The Bridge ,, hame o' the Buckie ) and every morning as I rolled up to the office I would hear the cat-calls coming from my shop floor work force .,., ( both Guys and Gals ! )

Oh here comes the Boss in his Yellow Fanny Magnet ! ( actually it was here comes that Buckie bastard in his Yella Fanny Magnet ! )

Since that time Fanny Magnet has always been a favourite expression of mine ??

Which brings me to my subject matter today !

Have y'all seen that new TV ad for girls / women's eh, feminine toiletry care things !?

The one where the Always panti liner ( tampon back up I'm reliably informed ! ) thingy has a couple of steel ball bearings fleeing up & down ( and side to side & round & round ) .,., in the fanny area ?

Now I can imagine how she might be having some fun with this Bagatelle going on in her nether regions ,,, but I also worry for her .,., passing any magnetic source is going to do her quite a mischief is it not ,, so my advice to these Happy Period Lasses & Ladies is simply this .,.,

Always Beware Fanny Magnets girls !

Dream Laughing

I had one of those dream laughs just before wakening tosmorning !

I love those ,,, actually woke me up .,., giggling out loud in my sleep like a daft teenager.

And what was so funny you might ask ?

Well, it was last night's TV believe it or not .,.,.,

The beloved asked me to switch on the Graham Norton show ! Now you're really confused aren't you ? GN funny ??? Eh No, she just wanted to see the Ozzie, ONJ

At this point anyone who knows me & my views might find it odd that I joined her in viewing the little JJ's show !

However, right away I was hooked .,., On came the other Ozzie (& his wife Sharon ) Osbourne .,., not quite so hooked when Ricky Gervais joined them on the couch , ( he has always fallen just short of my sense of humour I'm afraid ) but I stuck with it.

Ozzie & Gervais instantly took over the show giving Norton very little to do or say which suited me fine !

Ozzie has "written" a book on his life ( some might call such a thing an Autobiography but I doubt Ozzie could pronounce such a big word ! & besides he freely admitted to just talking to a Ghost ! )

Anyway Norton has book marked a few interesting pages for discussion ,,,

But Ozzie starts to tell of the time when he was at his peak as the Prince of Darkness .,., trying to get off a plane somewhere and avoid the masses of fans .,.,., "I was whisked off by the stewardesses " he said .,., and that's as far as he got before Gervais leapt in with .,.,

"Oh, 1st. Class then .,., I need to talk to these airline people .,., the best I ever got was an extra glass of champagne !!" That did it ,,, Gervais finally made me laugh .,., I think for the first time ever. He certainly got to Sharon who almost choked on her drink and fell off the couch !!

Olivia, when she finally came on, bless her, tried hard to keep up with the Ozzie/Gervais humour and to be fair, she wasn't bad but hey, a Princess of Darkness she isn't !

Strictly Come Dancing ? No, I don't think so !

Just watched this video ,,,
Hope I can show you it here ,,

Now this is what I call DANCING !

And all done in one take, first time !!

As Mr. Sinatra says ,, You'll never see the likes of this again ,..,

And look ! Eleanor Powell can do it fully clothed !

Eat your heart out Craig Revell Horwood, Bruno Tonioli and your gang of rank amateurs !

It's Sport Jim, but not as we know it !

Listen to this will you ?
Sorry, of course I mean, read this if you will !
Football, Golf, Cricket, Rugby ( both kinds ,, oh & French ! ) .,.,., No it doesn't finish there .,., keep going ! Please ...
Snooker, Pool, Motor Racing, Motorcycling, Horse Racing, Greyhound Racing, Boxing, The Ultimate Fighter, Tennis, Athletics, .,., Bowls, Ten-Pin Bowling even .,.,., and there's more !
Now we have American Football ( a misnomer if ever I heard one ), Karting, Tightlines, Angling ( I know it's supposed to be the most participated-in sport of all time but honestly ,, who cares ? )
Then there's Watersports ?, Hell in a Cell ? (Cage Fighters ), Wild Spirits, Raw, Smackdown, Max Power, Hockey, Ice Hockey, Rallying, ???
Up next are Russian/Spanish/German/Dutch /Portugese football, Ozzie football ( another misnomer ? ) Extreme Wrestling, Yachting, Sailing, Power Boating, Speedway, Darts, ( isn't this just Beer Drinking under another name ? ) Surfing, Kiteboarding, Poker ( Card gambling is SPORT ? and worth watching ??? ) Aerobics, Polo, Beach Polo, Modern Pentathlon, Basketball, Netball, Freeride Spirit ?, Judo Action, Mountain Biking, Show Jumping, Squash, Baseball,
On top of all that we have Transworld Sport, Premier League World, Ajax / Bayern/ Barca/Real Madrid /Man U/ Liverpool/Rangers/Celtic TV, and still it goes on ,,,
It's Sports ad nauseam ,,, 80% of which is MINORITY sports, not in the least interest to anyone on the bloody planet ?
And for these" Murdoch having a laugh " offerings we pay £55 a month ! And the bastard has the gall to throw in, at no extra charge, but real extra annoyance,,, an AVERAGE 20- adverts every 10-bloody minutes.
How does he get away with it ?? I'll tell you how !
BECAUSE WE DON'T ALL STAND UP AND TELL HIM .,.,.,.,
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH .,.,., STICK YOUR SKY SPORTS UP YOUR ARSE !
( withdraw our monthly subscriptions & stop paying for this shite ! )

Auld Age disnae come Alone !

So there we were, the beloved & I, sitting at the dinner table enjoying a nice evening meal .,., cooked entirely by me tonight ,, the wee wifie not feeling too well ,, so a simple Fish & Chips dish, but with a wee touch of class .. Peas & Celeriac thrown in at no extra charge ! ,,
( Hey ! Do I know how to treat a girl or what ? )
Anyway, there we were, chomping away, ready for a quiet night by the fireside watching Tv ( this can be translated fairly easily into snoozing in the armchair while the Tv plays to itself ! )
When all of a sudden the back door opens and in walks the daughter, her man and the we'an, Anna-bits ? Hi, shouts Big Tam ,,, ( Me thinks ) What the ,,, ( but says ) Oh Hello peops ,,
They take off their jackets, the we'an's outer clothes and sit themselves down.
I begin to think to myself ,,, Oh help, what's up ,,, why are they here at this time of night ,, what news have they got for us ,,, Has Thomas landed a big contract ? Have they come to celebrate ?,, Has Thomas lost a big contract ? Are they here for succour and comfort ?,, To drown their sorrows ? What ??
I look again and Phyl looks quite upbeat ,, in fact now that I check out her face for signs of ,, something ,, I see she is made up ,, lippie on , hair all nice ,, Mmmmm it's a celebration then ,,
Can't have come to tell us she's pregnant ,, already done that !
Ok ,, I take the last mouthful of my fish and the remaining solitary chip ,, I chew a little and form the question in my mind ,,
It comes out wrong ,,
"So" I says ,, "to what do we owe the pleasure of this strange time of night visit ?"
Eh, they say in unison, looking at one another with that ,,, What are these old tossers on look ,,, we're off out for the night ,, you're baby-sitting ,, don't you remember ?
You promised about a fortnight ago ??? Ahhh !
Well, then it all comes out in the washing .,., The Beloved ,, all by herself and and completely unbeknown to me ,, had promised to babysit but had subsequently completely forgotten all about it ,,,!! albeit she did say there was some little niggle going on in her head about the 2nd of Oct !! Like I said at the beginning ,, Auld age and all that !!
Anyway the young folks were going pubbing with an ex colleague in town ,, Phyl being preggers suggested she might come home alone early ( at the back of 9 to watch her fav celeb Barbra on the J Ross show ) and leave Thomas in the pub ... so we kept the we'an happy and out of bed 'til about 10pm ,,,, mummy didn't show so at that point me & Anna decided to have that wee snooze on the chair after all .,.,.,
Obviously they had a good night for the pregnant driver & the slightly less than sober dad arrived back to pick up their offspring around 1-30am !! Where they got to after pub shutting time I never actually found out ?

Falling Standards ?

I've had a busy week this one past.
I seem to have been 'phoning or writing complaining every damned day to somebody or other ! Now that's not like me, I'm really not a complaining kinda guy :-(
First it was the barely run-in Microwave .,., less than 6-months old and the internal light pops !
So I call B & Q for it was supplied by them as part of our new kitchen ,,, it's an integrated unit with no visible means of changing the bulb.
Wait for this .,., eventually, after some 4-calls they decide that they don't send out engineers to fix these things .,., so they've sent to SPAIN ,,, where the micowave was manufactured, for a new one !! So we're now having an engineer come to fit a NEW £130 unit because the light bulb has blown ! Now that's what I call Progress ? ( with a capital "P" !! .. aye and that stands for PISH !!)
Next the Printer .,., as y'all probably read already, Epson printers no longer accept any ink cartridges but their own .,., so after much growling & nashing of teeth I simply took this unit back to PC World and they exchanged it for yet another (upgraded ) printer. ( This is more progress of the '00's ?? )
Last Xmas I bought my beloved a nice ( and not too cheap ! ) pair of emerald earrings and a matching necklace. This month one of the earring posts broke off ,,, she had actually predicted this happening because the design of this post was not good & different to that advertised when I bought them ( online ).
So I wrote and asked ( nicely of course ) for a full refund since the said jewellery was not fit for purpose.
No probs ,, they said sorry for your bother, send the whole kit & kaboodle back and we'll refund your money. Ok, a result here ,,, and a philosophy for all Xmas's to come I'm thinking ?? Rent-a-pressie's for 9 or 10-months ,, send it back, get the money back in time for the next year's Xmas pressie !! You've cracked it son !!
Finally, my wonderful new sound system ,,, the big Sub Woofer started cracking and growling like a demented Big Cat ,,, so guess where it's headed ? Yep. back for repair/ replacement after only about 5-months light, intermittent use !!
So the final roundup looks like this :- Microwave ( Spanish ), Printer ( Japanese ), Jewellery ( British ) and Hi Fi speaker ( Chinese/British ),.,., all rubbish in one way or another .,., This simply wouldn't have happened in my working life .,.,
I guess with all of today's mind boggling techin-ology .,.,., standards are FALLING World-Wide ?? Now isn't that Real Progress ?
:-(

Ah Mad Wee Dinner Jacket !

The wee cocky Iranian, Ahmadinejad you really have to admire ?
For a wee guy he sure has balls !
He's happy ( it seems ) to take on the might of the USA & the Western world ( us included of course ) and tell them ( aye & us too ) just where we can shove our self righteous, holier-than-thou, hypocritically pious, sanctimonious smiles .,.,.,
And how can we, in all honesty, say that the wee guy's wrong ?
He's looking after his country's interests .,., looking out for #1
He may not do things the way we do but I repeat .,., what makes him all wrong and us all right ??
I've never been able to figure what gives us the right to have ( and continue to upgrade ) our Nuclear weapon arsenals ( in fact our WMD !) but tell them ( and others ) that they can't have any ?
Oh I forgot .,., we are more human than they are .,., Right ?
Or is it that our religious beliefs are much more sound than theirs then ?
Eh, we'd never imprison or torture our enemies, that must be it ?
C'mon .,., the wee guy definitely has a point here .,., somebody needs to sit down & talk to him instead of simply tossing around empty threats .,., for empty they are .,., unless of course we intend going the whole hog and Nuking Iran ???
For Christ's sake ( or should I say for Allah's sake ? ) let's get real here .,., after all the wee man says "manufacturing of WMD has never been on our agenda ".,., He might even be telling it like it is .,., they just need to generate power for industrial / domestic use ??
Aye right son ,, or maybe he just wants to have the same weaponry that his enemies have ? A very reasonable want .,., if you put yourself in his shoes ?
I wouldn't like to live in his country right enough .,., but I like this wee guy's swagger and the glint in his eye but most of all I admire the way he absolutely refuses to wear a TIE, wee dinner jacket or no', so there you go ,, he's a man after my own heart ( at least on the TIE front ! )