Yer Other National Team !

Step up and take a bow yon wee Martin Steele, Marketing Manager of our other National drink, Iron Bru ! Martin is the wee genius, obviously made from girders, who has dreamt up the Sales Ad of the year .,., mibbie even the decade ?
Anywhooo, he's come up wi' this magic wee ruse ( to sell more of his ) { and our } beloved National brew !
He argues that if we ( that's Scotland of course ) want to win the World Cup of Footie then we need an infusion of new blood !
Brazilian blood would be good since they seem to win this trophy more than most ?
So, BRUZIL is born ! Samba MacFootball is on the horizon !
To "lay" in place the team of teams for World Cup 2034 we need to start now .,., ipsofacto, Martin wants us all ( boys AND girls from John O' Groats to the Borders ) to do holidays/visit Brazil "make friends" ( sow seeds if you will !! ) become the Parental Talent for the cause .,., Woof -Ya ! count me in wee man ,, I'm on my way to Rio's Copacabana beach right now !
Old Archie Gemmill ( late of our failed attempt circa 1978 but with a magnificent last ditch effort against the mighty Dutch ) and Andy ( heid the ba' ) Gray are fronting the newest game in town under the pseudonyms Arcihno Gemmelo & Andsilva Graato .,.,.,., urging us all to "get a Brazilian" ( ouch ! ) and make some new friends !!
So let's up, up & away to sunny Brazil and get busy on our future team all you 18/30 holiday lads & lassies .,., oh & some older talent too ,, those of us who can still recall the Great Days and the magic Scots who strutted their stuff on that Wembley turf in 1967 !!
Enter soon the likes of Eddie Alves, Crawford Baptista, Donaldo, MacKaka, mibbies even the new MacPelé, not to mention one brilliant wee left winger who goes by the tag Dougihno Buchista o' Parkheid !
Wee Archie reckons: "We huvnae qualified for the World Cup since France in 1998 so it's time for drastic measures. If we can harness the Scottish passion and the Brazilians' natural footballing skills then what a combination. I'm sure parents of these Scottish-Brazilian children will agree the kids should play for Scotland. We need all the help we can get. We need to boost our footballing DNA."
Archie enjoyed snuggling up to two Brazilian samba babes at the campaign's Glasgow launch yesterday but he regrets that he personally CAN'T do his bit for the Nation this time - because his wee wife Betty would kill him !
Irn-Bru have already placed lonely heart ads in Brazilian papers calling on locals to help Scotland.
One ad, in Portuguese naturally, placed in Rio De Janeiro's Extra newspaper, says:

"Scots lass seeks Brazilian man with good sense of humour to make Scottish football magic.

And I've got a fridge full of Irn-Bru" she says.

And another mickey-take sees Sky Sports expert Andy Gray commentating on Scotland's line-up for the 2034 World Cup Final with players including Flavio McFadden and Aberdeeninho.

Go SCOTLAND !!

I've a feeling this team might just do the business and we can then rub it into our downstairs neighbours for the next 44 years !!

See more fun at .,.,., irn-bru.co.uk/bruzil

Blaming the prince of the fools !

Couldn't have said it better myself ... Great quote.
Too bad we don't know who wrote it ....*
"The danger to America is not Barack Obama but a citizenry capable of entrusting a man like him with the presidency. It will be easier to limit and undo the follies of an Obama presidency than to restore the necessary common sense and good judgment to an electorate willing to have such a man for their president. The problem is much deeper and far more serious than Mr. Obama, who is a mere symptom of what ails us. Blaming the prince of the fools should not blind anyone to the "vast confederacy of fools that made him their prince".
The republic can survive a Barack Obama. It is less likely to survive a multitude of fools such as those who made him their president.” --
Author Unknown*

Now, can anyone see a leader on this side of the Pond with a "vast confederacy of fools that made him their prince" that we couldn't say exactly the same for ?
Tory Doctors excepted of course Bones !!

A very strange question ?

I'm golfing last week with my big buddy of many years when he suddenly asks me .,.,,
Have you ever had heartburn or indigestion ?
Eh, says I ,,, Yeah, hasn't everyone ? I've been a sufferer for more years than I care to remember .,., why ?
Well I've never had indigestion or heartburn before .,.,., he says !
Eh , what ! in your whole life ??
Uhuh, in my entire life I've never had this before he says ,, will you describe it for me ,, I think I might have it now !!
This from a guy who eats & drinks as much as anyone I know .,.,
How could he possibly have escaped it for all these years ?? ( that's 60+ btw !! )
I'm so envious .,., I'm gonna see my Quack to ask why I've always suffered from this ailment & this guy seemingly never has ?
But I'm also stumped ,, I find very quickly that I really can't describe these attacks any way simply or accurately at all ? It's a difficult description to come up with, even after 50 + years of suffering !
It's a pain here in the high chest area I tell him ,, well no, not exactly a pain ,, more a discomfort ,, it's a ,,, och ah don't know ,, just chew a lot of Rennies, Bisodol, whatever and it'll go away .,.,., unless of course it's a pending heart attack ,, !!
That cheered him up a lot !
Ha, that'll teach him to never have had chronic heartburn in the middle of the night !
Hell slap it into him to make up for lost time !!
:-)

Regrets I have a few !

There's a part of me that has become quite sentimental of late ... I guess it must be auld age tugging at my old heart strings or something ?

I don't suppose many of you will know this ,, perhaps not even my own children ? .,., but I was, once upon a time ,, many, many years ago ,, in a different life in fact ,, considered to be something of a "budding concert pianist" .,., ( that was a direct quote from the music teachers & examination boards I attended btw )

Yeah, I was ,, honest ! I actually played piano from the age of about 6 or 7 'till I was well into my teenage years ,,, Sat all sorts of piano forté exams, both theory and playing ,, reached a fairly high degree of competence and then .,.,.,.,., I don't know, found girls, golf, footie ,, something distracted me and I stopped going to my music teacher, stopped studying, and eventually stopped playing all together ! What an absolutely criminal waste.

In the past, maybe 10-years or so ,,, since my son also became quite an accomplished musician himself ( self taught guitar, sax, trumpet,) I have thought .,., time to take it up again !

I installed a "multi voiced, double keyboard organ" upstairs in our little spare bedroom where I also have my other computer etc ,,, the idea being that I WOULD get back to it .,., eventually !

Alas ,, I haven't ,,, YET !

This all hit me tonight again ,,,

a) when I watched the BBC Young Musician 2010 ( won incidentally by a brilliant young female pianist ) and then, later,,,

b) a televised Stevie Wonder concert ( I'm a long time fan ) and this concert was just sensational.

The whole episode started me remembering too, that my Dad ( a "heavy handed piano player" himself ) longed all his life to be an Orchestra Conductor ,, of all things !

He toiled most of his working life doing long, weary, dirty hard shifts as an engineer in the old Beardmore's Parkhead Forge in the days long before it became a shopping mall ! So to have such a dream seemed somehow incongruous to me .,., but now I think I'm beginning to finally understand. I once dreamt that I had won the Lotto and one of the first things I did with the cash was to arrange for him to conduct a full symphony orchestra ,,, sadly however neither of us got to fullfill that ambition .,.,

I wonder if it's a family failing or just the fear/ knowledge of the hours of practice that would be necessary .,.,., will I ever return to the keyboard ?

A Message from the dark side there is !

Hey, I survived ! .,., It's finished ,,
I managed to outwit the perils of the long ladder ,,
But absolutely, never again !! That was a scary couple of days.
However, the hall now looks like new ! Brownie points being collected !
So now it's on to the big bedroom :-(
Not long now 'til I collect my "Grampant" reward :-)
Woop-de-dooooo .....

or as they say in La Belle France ,,

Hey, j'ai survécu! .., C'est fini,
J'ai réussi à déjouer les périls de la longue échelle,
Mais absolument, plus jamais! C'était un couple effrayant de jours.
Toutefois, la salle ressemble maintenant à nouveau!
Alors maintenant, c'est sur la grande chambre :-(
Pas longtemps jusqu'à ce que je me recueillir "Grampant" récompense :-)
Woop-de-dooooo .....

or even in the Viking lands up Denmark way ....

Hey, jeg overlevede! .., Er det færdigt,
Jeg formåede at overliste farerne ved den lange stige,
Men absolut, aldrig igen! Det var en skræmmende par dage.
Men hallen ser nu som ny!
Så nu er det på de store soveværelse :-(
Ikke længe nu 'til samler jeg min "Grampant" belønning :-)
Woop-de-dooooo .....

I just know I'll get comments on this Blog from both the multi lingual daughter & mega lingual son-in-law !!
Bring it on guys ,,, I tried !!

At first I thought ,,

She just doesn't care ,,, sitting there with her kids, somehow oblivious to the fact that this could well be her old Dad's last day on earth ! Chatting away as if there was no danger ... even bringing her kids to see this possible gruesome catastrophe ? She watched closely enough ,, even asking questions ( while said Dad was 10-feet up a ladder on the precariously steep stairwell ???? )
Is she just that callus ?
Then, in a flash it dawned on me ,,, she's really still my liitle girl, the one who believes her Daddy can do anything and is somehow invincible, nay immortal !
Thanks pet, you probably don't even realise it, but that calmed me down and now the difficult, life threatening bits are all done !
Phew ,,, that is positively the last time this hall is being decorated.
( in my lifetime ! )

I now rest my case !

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down into hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. (Oh yeah !!)
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who joins them in having a good time, dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a great night that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Today you voted.

All jokes have their origins in TRUTH don't they ?!

We're at it again !

So it's started !
The re-decoration of the hall is now under way.
Yesterday we borrowed TWO of the daughter's steamers. ( believe it or not ,, she has THREE ! but not a decorator's bone in her or her man's bodies ! ,,, )
This turned out to be a wee bit of a mistake however.,.,the power consumption to run two of these wonderfully helpful machines seems to have resulted in melting the cable on our extension reel ,,, ( now in the bin ! ) Mmmmm, so finishing off the removal of the old wallpaper today will be a simple full steam ahead, if you like, but with just the one old steamer ( that'll be eh, ME ! )
Ahhh have now sussed ,, One of said machines is faulty ,, plugging it in it actually blows all my downstairs sockets !! Thanks Phyl ! Thought we'd had another NM power cut !!
This hall has always worried me somewhat as an amateur decorator ( or as some might say, as a miserable old sod ! ), in fact so much so that last time we had a painter decorator in to do it ! ( and may again ! ) for it is indeed proving to be more than a little problematic .,., it has these very high walls on one side necessitating the need for one of those special all purpose multi positional ladders ,, to be borrowed from my wee pal across the road hopefully .,., every strip of paper will need to be hung working at a jaunty angle from halfway up the stairs ,,, and I've always had this un-natural fear of death by falling downstairs :-)
Naturally,after a lifetime of perfecting this job experience I have all the necessary decorator's tools, pasting brush, smoothing brush, plumb line ( an old screw dangling on a piece of string ! ) a duster to keep my pasty hands off the paper, Oh and even the wee tottie roller for smoothing out the joins ( never use that though ) and a sponge to clean the pasting table ,, did I mention I have a pasting table too, albeit in need of replacing ?
But naw, you're right, I really have nothing in the way of proper tools for this job ,, just all this wonderful expertise :-$
The bottom landing in our hall has in the past suffered from water ingress !,, a leaky porch roof resulted in flowing water coming down the inside wall,leaving, not surprisingly, great water marks on the paper! We fixed the porch and as a stop-gap measure (some 5 or 6 years ago!) we artexed the bottom part of the hall on top of the water marked paper and re painted .,., It looked ok'ish and we separated it off from the upstairs paper by the simple addition of a wooden frame.,.,The artex being on top of the paper, we reasoned, would facilitate it coming off easily with the old paper when the time came to re decorate!! Well that seemed to be working ok yesterday until we got to the old wet area.,.,when the artex, paper and great chunks of the original plasterboard came off too!! Easy as pie !!
Oh well, the best laid plans as they say ,,, so we need to do a little fill-in plaster job too ,,,
We've now completed two days of sweat shop steaming and scraping ( not as young or fit as we once were so we now work shorter hours ! ) and still have the difficult final phase to perform ,, that's the one up the ladder !! Oh Jings, Crivens ( and apologies to Al ) .,., Help !!
The actual papering I expect will be much quicker when we get to it ,, with me hanging & my trusty paster pasting .,., At this job we are truly a TOP-TEAM !
But of course it all depends on my wee pal's ladder & me conquering my fear of dying by falling !
I'll let you know if I survive this test !
And if I do what's the reward I mused ,, rampant sex on the carpet ( I'd hoped ) ? Nope ,, ( she says ... )

It's in the bedroom .,.,, Oh, Yo ,,,,

But don't get too hot under the collar .,., it's just the next decorating job awaiting the TEAM !
Oh well mibbie a wee reward after that ??

Ha, she sniggered in bed last night .,., " Don't you mean GRAMPant sex !! :-(

Some women can deflate a worker's ego with a single wee snigger you know !

Yawn, yawn, yawn,,,,, Zzzzzzzz

Yeah it's election day ,, again ,, Can anything be more boring ?!
So, I've decided to take my good lady out for the day ,, we're off down the coast 'till it's all over .,., well to miss most of it anyway.
In all my years I don't think I've ever seen a more incompetent bunch of politicos .,., strikes me they couldn't blow their own bloody nose without help. ( and bloody noses is what they all deserve ) So, after much thought, NONE of them will get my vote ,,, first time in 50 years I've done that .,., but I WILL visit the Polling station and register my utter disgust & contempt for them. After all they should be told how the voters think ?
I used to believe that voting was something you absolutely MUST do ,, people had fought & died to ensure we all had this right ,,, BUT did they ever consider that there would come a day when there wasn't a single honest, worthy, wannabee politician in the land ?
No, neither did I ,,, sad isn't it ?

Does it really matter ?

This time round I have totally ignored all the Political hype surrounding the General Election.
I have not listened to one single party political broadcast nor did I watch any of the dumbed down USA styled leader confrontations. But sadly I haven't been able to miss the nightly NEWS updates !
However, after almost 50-years of voting I have finally come to the conclusion that it matters "not a jot" who is in power in this country. It will have no effect whatsoever on me whether Tory, Labour, LibDem or any other non event party become the next government.
As a sixty-something silver citizen I now firmly believe there is not a single politician ( in any party ) who is not in it for what they can get personally. The average Scottish / British Joe, like myself, will suffer a lifetime of traumas of unfair taxes, job insecurities and continual government rip offs, from womb to tomb. So why bother succumbing to their stupid nonsense ( have you seen the sickly news bulletins and watched them begging in public for votes ,,, OMG, Yuk, the lengths they'll go to .,., )
And as for wasting my valuable time ? ,,, Sorry, no more, get out of my face !
They are, as old Terry Thomas would have said ,, "an absolute shower !"
And I'll add ,, cheating, lying, thieving, tax dodging, unscrupulous, work-shy, useless scumbags.
Can I suggest a total boycott of the polling stations next week ?
No I didn't think so ,, never mind, in the years to come you young things will learn that old can indeed also be wise ?

Spring has Sprung !

Spring has sprung,
The grass is riz,
I wonder where the burdies is ?
The burd is on the wing ,,,
Now that's absurd ,,
The wing is on the burd !!
Boom-boom !!
And so it has come to pass ,,, Easter has come & gone .,., Now is the time !
Spring cleaning, moving stuff, decorating and all that jazz, is on the mind of yon burd wat I married all dem years ago !!
The bedroom needs decorating ,,, What again ?! ( it can't be more than 10-years since I last slaved away in there .,., not counting the sex of course .,., Yo ,, think that calls for another Boom-boom, don't you ? )
The hall needs re done too ,,, ( What ? ,, the painter / decorator guy next door did that no more than ,, was it ? oh that long !! .,., and then of course we promised ourselves a complete new bathroom upstairs after we bought the new kitchen !
So, this afternoon I've been moving stuff .,., chest of drawers from here to there, big storage cupboard from there to here, and naturally all the stuff that was inside these units is now being sifted, discarded or re situated.
I've come to the conclusion ,,, I know, it's taken me a while ,,, but ,,, A married man's work is never ending .,., we're akin to Forth Road Bridge painters ! .,., wonder if our single cousins act out this Spring ritual ?
Anyway I know my next few days on the golf course will be soooo tolerated ,,, the beloved will be in her element now for days on the above sifting, binning, cleaning & re cycling to locations afresh !
All I need concern myself with now is her finding the "right" wallpaper & paint !!
Oh aye, and ye might notice .,.,I've also done a wee Spring clean oan ma blog page in case ye didnae recognise me !

So where's the help ?

Great intit !?
A wee bit of ASH and the country is on it's knees ,,,
Bet old Adolf wishes he'd thought of it !
But doesn't it surprise you that no bugger is lifting a finger to help those thousands of stranded passengers all over Europe ??
Not the Airlines ( who've taken more than their fair share of profit for many a long year),,
Not the Uk Government ( who've encouraged them ! and who should be doing something with a General Election coming up right on the back of this fiasco )
Not the Euro Parliament, nor the individual European country governments .,.,
No Sir ,,, you flew overseas for pleasure at Easter then you can find your own way back ,,, no matter the inconvenience ,, no matter the cost !
OK, so I have an axe to grind ,, half my daughter's family are stranded with her in Denmark ,, and the other half of her family are equally stranded but in France with their father ,,
It's bloody high time the airlines faced up to their responsibilities and at the very least laid on a few BUSES !! For Christ's sake .. how much can that cost ?
And aye they are suffering some losses at the moment but bet your very last Euro they'll pass that on to us sooner rather than later ,,, Just watch air fares rocket real soon now !
And you know what .,., if they increase by as much as a half a Euro they can shove their 'planes where the sun don't shine ! And I'll be wanting a refund on my new EXPENSIVE PASSPORT as well, since I can't use it ( no I'm not about to drive or take a slow boat to the far continent thanks very much ! )
A final message just in from Iceland :
"Leave £30Bn in used notes in a bag behind the Icelandic Embassy in London and we'll turn off the Volcano !"
Somebody ,, please ,, give them the cASH !!

So, we wait !

This has been a funny old end of week ! ( but definitely not Ha-Ha ! )
The daughter plus hubby with their first born Anna had gone to Denmark to see their Danish family & let them see their latest little, but growing grandchild Amaia .,.,.,
At the same time the Ex son-in-law had taken the other three kids to celebrate their French grandmother's 80th. birthday.
So all were scattered in Europe when the Icelandic volcano decided to erupt !
I was due to drive back to Edinburgh tomorrow just as I had done last Friday, this time to pick them up from the airport rather than dropping them off !
Sadly as we now all know ,,, nothing is flying but the birds ! And unless they can find a flock of really Big Birds then they are all staying put .,., and for how long is anybody's guess right now !
This volcanic blow out btw, was not something arranged by me in order that my Friday golf game wouldn't be interrupted ! But what a freak of nature it has turned out to be ,,, first time EVER that all UK air traffic has been grounded ! ( and now most of near Europe too )
The daughter naturally is more than a little distraught .,., Her 3-bigger kids have been away with their father for 2 weeks and she absolutely hates these long separations ,, now looking like a possible further week since Norwegian Airways, with whom she is flying, have only two flights out of Copenhagen per week, Mon & Frid !
Of course I've tried doing the fatherly things to comfort her, telling her to relax and enjoy the extra holiday, that we'll take care of the biggies if they make it home before her ,, etc, etc, but she's a mother ,, the Earth Mother in fact .,., and mothers need to see their babies !
So, like I said at the beginning of this piece .,., We Wait !

Here it is then Al !

I've NOT been asked to go into my photo folders open up the first folder, publish the tenth photo from the folder regardless of what it is and give a wee explanation of what the photo is all about, but I'm doing it anyway !!
The photo is my mum, dad & a camera shy little me aged about 4 ( circa 1947 'ish ) with my auntie Cissie ( mum's older sister ) & her sugar-daddy hubby Chay close behind.
It was taken in Arbroath where the auntie & uncle lived.
And now I've to nominate 5 more folk to do the same.
In effect, a chain letter/email. Like the above mentioned ( you can call him Al ! )I can't stand those 'if you don't do this something really bad will happen to a loved one' kind of nonsense so they all go into the bin - even if this isn't that kind of rubbish, being simply the sharing of random potentially entertaining, or interesting, information.
So I nominate Phyl, Thomas, Derek, WeeAnne & any A.N.Other to do their stuff & keep Al happy
:-)

That was the week that was ! ( or TW3 if you're old enough ! )

The way we are .,., to the way we were ! In only a few short years !!

Well it's almost over.
The week of the mighty celebrations and silliness !
Soon I can get back on my oh so necessary DIET ! ( the underpants are killing me again ! )
Thursday 1st. ,, well what can I say ?.,., all the Fools were let out of the asylum for a morning ; special mention to our new'ish son-in-law for trying to convince us that Tories Ken Clarke & John Redwood and even Labour's John Cruddas had defected to the Lib/Dems ! Ehhh ?
Good try Thomas but with Ken Clarke you blew it !
Good Friday 2nd. saw us unable to get tickets for Chris Rea in concert at the Glasgow SECC, however not to be beaten for lack of a wee bit entrance paper we invited our friends & fellow disappointed fans J & S to come round and share a Chinese Take-Away while we listened to Chris Rea Cd's and got quietly plastered !! ( No need to drive home from this gig ! )
Saturday 3rd. and next came our wedding anniversary,,,
I find it hard to believe myself but today we have been married for ( let me just check it again ! ) .,., yip it was 1965 ,, so 45-years !! ( Hey, she was obviously a baby snatcher ,, or I was a child bride or something ? )
Bloody Hell, and her mother said it would never last ! Ha ..
She ( the daughter of the disbeliever, ie, the wife ) tells me this anniversary is something called Sapphire .,. I have absolutely no idea what she's talking about :-)
Next up, Monday 5th. and the anniversary of my being ,, or is it my coming ? ... Naw, I'm definitely no' HIM !
In any event this will be the actual Birthday day, not like one of Queeny's pseudo days .,., this is the real thing ! and NO, it's NOT the big Seven Ohhh as some cheeky b*****d so insulting asked .,., I'm much younger than that ,, years in fact ! Look at me for God's sake ,, do I look like an OLDIE ?!! Aw, really ??
Jumping back a day now, to Sunday 4th. ,, today in fact ! ,, the family Clan are a gathering, coming over ( the son & family ) & up ( the daughter & family ) to celebrate with the old folks and have a bit of a dinner ( and no doubt more drinkies ! .,., OK that's it ! ... this diet is now officially ,,, eh, Banjaxed ! )
Anyway, the problem with this momentous week is .,., the FOOD !! ( oh aye and the hooch ! )
I tried staying true to the good Doc. Atkins but temptation lay all around me ,, I really never stood a chance ,, a Chinese take-away for 4 ( I don't know how these Orientals are all so bloody thin ,, this meal always feeds at least 6 if not 8 ! )
An anniversary meal at our local pub/restaurant .,., a surf n' turf fit for a big guy ! But we were good ,, we opted for NIL PUD !! The wine was lovely and the aprés digestif liquer(s) were superb, but have already gone straight to the hips !!
And so to this Happy Anniversabirthday treat today ,,, Oh Jings !!
Hic, the aperitifs have started flowing already .,., so I'm off to indulge ,, just one more time !!

Honest !! See you again next week Doc. !!

Birthday Boy time .,., again :-(

Soon I'll be yet one more year older ,, Arghhhhhhhh

It seems to have been happening for weeks this bloody birthday and it's not even a "special" one !!

I first discovered my beloved had bought me a brilliant new camera when the confirmation letter / bill flew through the letterbox a few weeks ago. I've been reading about all it's features & functions since but trying not to use it too much before the actual birthday day ,,,,

Yesterday I was sitting quietly reading when all hell broke loose and ALL my grandchildren and their mothers & fathers arrived out of the blue ! That's all 10- of them !! Oor wee living room just isnae big enough, but I made sure of retaining my seat by simply not moving !

It's very funny actually watching them all vieing for a place to park their bums .,., every time someone moved, another bum was promptly parked in the vacated seat ,, I eventually became quite confused though .,., trying to hold a conversation with any one of them became a case of following them around the room .,., first they're on the couch, then an easy chair, next a dining room chair,, then the floor ,,, phew ,, it's tiring this game of birthday musical chairs !

Anyway, the big kids ,,, #'s 1, 2 & 3 on my daughter's side, came to give me an early card & presents since they will be away in France with their dad next week on my actual birthday day !

So it was lovely ,, they even bought me stuff with their own money so I guess they really do love their old Pumpa ! Thanks guys ,, your pressies were great .,., and just a wee word to each of you,

Pumpa loves y'all too :-)

The son and his family had just dropped in for a coffee and a blether so I guess I have another birthday day to look forward to next week ? :-)

This birthday is turning into the longest one ever ,,, total time celebrating this is now looking like some 5- weeks !

Now I know how Queenie must feel with all her different birthday days !

Come to think of it, haven't seen her card yet ?

That "F" word raises its ugly head again.

One of the worst disasters in Glasgow's history was the fire that broke out in Cheapside Street in the Anderston area of the city on March 28, 1960.
Fire and smoke billowed up into the night sky and was visible for miles around.
A total of 14 members of the Glasgow Fire Service and five men from the Glasgow Salvage Corps lost their lives fighting the blaze.
The fire started in a bonded warehouse that contained over a million gallons of whisky and rum. Within minutes of the firefighters arriving at the scene there was a massive explosion literally blowing the building apart.
The firemen and three appliances were buried in masonry.
As the fire spread it engulfed the tobacco warehouse, an ice cream factory and the Harland and Wolff engine works.
Fed by a huge lake of whisky, the fire took a week to extinguish completely.
Apart from the volatile nature of the liquid what made the fire dangerous to fight was the location of the building itself. The streets around the warehouse were very narrow and made it difficult for the emergency teams to get close enough to tackle the fire effectively.
Much criticism was later laid on the siting of the whisky warehouse in such a built-up area.
But nobody who remembers that night will ever forget one of Glasgow's most harrowing tragedies of the 20th century.

I was 17 in 1960. I had almost forgotten, until I saw it on TV last night, but one of my mother's older brothers ( Jim Crosbie ) was the Salvage Corps Fire Chief in Glasgow's Albion Street and was in attendance at that infamous night in Cheapside Street.
The loss of life suffered by the brave men of the Fire service that night was a nightmare. Uncle Jim survived this trauma but who knows what horrors he witnessed in Cheapside Street ?
Perhaps significantly, not long after, he upped sticks & took the family off to a new life in Australia ?

Those of you who read my blog from time to time will know, or may remember, that I also lost my old Dad to the after effects of a house fire. ( See October 21, 2009 OMG ,, not again ! )
He and his lady friend ( mum had died many years previously ) were overcome whilst trying to make their escape and died horrendous deaths from the effects of "smoke inhalation" some long weeks later.
This was the same Dad who made a heroic effort many years previously to save our little female child next door neighbour when she was caught in the middle of an inferno of her night clothes & long hair .,., Throwing her onto a carpet runner he ripped from our lobby floor, he wrapped her in it and beat the flames with his bare hands, but alas to no avail .,., this poor little soul too died some weeks later.
What an awful way to go ,,,

This past week my little grandson was suddenly inconsolable when out of the blue and sobbing he asked his mum ,, " Who'll hug me mummy when you die !"
This set me too thinking about death, hence the above memories surfacing yet again.

Are we, as a family I wonder, susceptable or prone to fire hazards ?
Oh God I hope not ,, if ever there was a way I DON'T want to die ....
Surely this can't be the case ?
I know that mastering the ability to make a fire is what separates us from the animals, but, I do worry, we've had more than our fair share of run-ins with this dreaded foe.

Socks & me

Socks have always been something of a chore for me.
Choosing the correct colours, materials, thickness, plain or stripey, size etc, (and just how on earth can the same socks cover gents shoe sizes from 6 to 11 ??)
I actually much prefer summer months when I can generally go without the damned things !
Alternatively give me the Prince Charles arrangement with a brand new luxury pair every day !
This week I've had more than my fair share of socky troubles.
First it was a good heavy pair of "Get yer sports socks here, two perr fur a poun'"
I went out for a round of golf with a perfectly matching, intact pair, one on each foot ! and came back with a big toe-size hole in the right foot sock only !
Where the hell did that come from ? I mean these socks were not old ,, ,, well maybe 4 or 5 years but only used sparingly ! I binned them straight away ,, I will not wear holey, or worse still, darned socks, ever ( Oh Yuk ! )
Two days later it happened again ! A walk in town with herself and Hey-Presto, another pair of much more recently acquired sockies .,., fine dressy types ; another hole in the big toe region ! Another quick bin abandonment.
What on earth is happening ? Are the sock manufacturers neglecting their Quality Control ? Are the sheep making inferior wool ? Are man made fibres on the wane ?
I've put on a little extra weight over the winter months ( but not in the feet ! ) and all this bending down to put on fresh socks twice a day is fair doin' in my head ( or belly ? ) .,.,
However today, after the whole scenario occurred for the third time in a week I put my weary old foot up on a chair to put on a fresh pair of the offensive garments .,., and there it was ,, the culprit suddenly leapt ( poetic license ) into full & majestic view !
Oh dear, time to cut the ole toe nails again I fear .,.,
Funny how you forget stuff when you get old intit ?!

She's only gone & done it again !

The beloved bought me a White Rhino some time ago, a magnificent speciman he was too ( and indeed still is ! ) He has pride of place in our living room and goes by the name Mukwa, after the traditional African wood from which he was made ! This guy was carved with great love and by an artist who had studied him well.

The White Rhinoceros of today is said to be descended from Ceratotherium praecox which lived around 7 million years ago, so he's no youngster, but isn't he beautiful ?
She found my Mukwa sitting all alone in a little African craft shop, in Crieff, Scotland, of all places and decided he was to be mine, no matter the cost ! I've always had this "thing" about these beautiful creatures you see ; I've even had one come at me full pelt intent on doing me severe mischief ,, fortunately I was some ten feet above him at the time and on solid ground when he crashed into the earth below me ,,, but I'll tell you this, the way the ground shook I never want to be chased on the same level !
As it happens Mukwa was fairly expensive but I'd gladly have parted with ten times as much to be his keeper, for he is magnificent, exquisite & absolutely unique ,, a one off.

A couple of weeks ago I discovered ( purely by accident ) that she'd done it to me again .,.,
It's getting near to my birthday (yeah, another one ! ) :o( ,,,, and coming downstairs early one morning I absentmindedly opened the mail, including what looked like a bit of junk mail addressed to herself.
Ooops ! I wakened up immediately on noticing the words ; " Thank you Mrs. B for your valued order ,,,, Your Camera will be delivered from Jessops Online store in two days ,,,, etc, etc" ,,, and a rather large bottom line sum of £££ detailing her purchase !!
So, not quite so unique and certainly not a one off this time, but she's just made me the proud & very happy owner of the Nikon I've been lusting after for some time but simply wouldn't buy because I already had the model just below this one and I really couldn't justify the expense of a 2nd. one to myself ! So the beloved justified it for me ! :o)
This amazing wee wuman spoils me rotten ,, has done all our married life.
Ye can keep yer José Mário dos Santos Félix Mourinho's .,.,

I have my very own Special One.

MGI PhotoSuite -- the Demise !

Alas, now gone to that big Photo Manipulation project in the sky !
For some years now we, that's the entire Clan Buchanan, have used the very simple MGI PhotoSuite to do a bit of picture manipulation ,,, you know the kind of thing ,, removing a little devilish red eye, brightening up the odd darkish photo, cloning the snot from the we'an's noses ,,
nothing terribly exacting ,, just easy to do stuff ! ( for aren't we easy to do, simple folks ? )
Well we were !
This week, after yet another round of Microsoft's seemingly endless upgrades to my Vista Home edition server ( how much more upgrading can we all stand I wonder ? ) the faithful old MGI finally had enough, floated off in the mist and died !
It's apparently now so old & indeed old hat that even it's 2nd. generation owner Roxio ( sounds like some old stripper doesn't she ? ) is having no more to do with it ,,, no upgrades, no patches, so no way back .,., she's GONE now and gone for good !
So, since there was nothing else for it we ( well I ) decided .,.,
Let's look again at the two other options we have available to us .,., those we downloaded some years ago but were never able to use for lack of know-how ! Time to learn perhaps ?
First up we have Photo Shop .,., and all it's layers !! Jesus ! Have you ever tried comprehending this in any shape or form ? It's utter Gobble-de-Gook .,., was then and still is now, although to be fair they do offer an instruction manual with 24 ( yeah count them ,,, Twenty Four ! ) 1-hour tutorials !! And when you finally get to the 24th. hour, if you can remember even your bloody name never mind Tut 1, then go back and start all over again, but only if you still have the will to live !! Way too complicated, by far.
Next up we have The Gimp ! Sounds a bit Non PC to me ,, hey, am I the only one limping here ,, but apparently it's an acronym for GNU Image Manipulation Program.
Haha, this one is so much better .,., NOT ! .,., it comes with the obligatory manual too of course.,., some 300 odd pages this time and from the first, no let's not exaggerate, the 2nd. paragraph, is absolutely and totally incomprehensible .,.,
Now I'm not a dummy, I had a good education to higher level, and followed that with night school, etc but I'm damned if I can take in ANY of these programmes ,,,
Who writes this drivel shite ? It can only be NERDS of the computer age .,., in a language that only they and their fellows can follow .,.,
Please my followers, sign up here and let's send a New World Petition to such as these fools to compile a simple user manual ( ONE-A4 page max ! ) for all us old fogies who simply want to accomplish the simplist of photographic correction tasks ,, not send a man to the bloody moon !

God Only Knows.

The other night I watched a tribute to one of my all time favourite groups, The Beach Boys.
This particular programme was dedicated to Dennis ( Wilson ) and his contribution to the group.
Dennis was a bit of a hell raiser and true mostly only to himself. ( A Hero or a Villain ? )
Perhaps not the nicest of guys, selfish to a fault, but boy did he work at his life's (Good Vibrations ) stuff.
Sadly, soaked in alchohol and hitting the hard drugs hard Dennis, at age 43 burned out and drowned ( possibly even intentionally opted out of life ? .,., Done all he had to do ? ,, ( Sail on Sailor )
Of course I knew the story from way back, when it all happened ,, all the details about both him and the truly genius brother Brian ,, the rest of the boys .,., and the bastard father (who has much to answer for ,, currently rotting in Hell hopefully ) ,,
But why such a price the creators always seem to have to pay for their genius ?
I found the whole thing very moving naturally, but it did set me to wondering again ,,,
( yeah I've mulled this one over many times in the past )
Maybe a 40-year life span lived at a high level of achievement is actually preferable to an 80-year span of ordinaryness ? ( Wouldn't it be Nice ? )
Who has the happiest, best, more fullfilled life ?
Mr. ( flawed ) Genius or Mr. ( conforming ) Average ???
I'll never know now .,., missed my chance years ago !
( brings us back to God Only Knows ? )
But I have my suspicions !!

Let us not scoff .... ( Och aye let's ! )

England are off to the World Cup soon apparently !
It must surely be soon if all the hype is to be believed ?
Wright, Wright, Wright is all a dither already, dribbling thro' his gold tooth at the prospect of his team winning the cup ,,,!

( Somehow my vision is more like him crying after every game ? again ! )
Now remember what I said ,, we mustn't scoff ! After all they're not the brightest stars in the sky, footie players ( or ex-players ! ) are they ?
Fabio is telling his "aces" to behave, not to shame the shirt ,, or be sacked !

Ha ! A bit late maybe Fab ?
That'll be the same Fab who's taken the Captain shirt from the "Love Rat" and given it to the "Alleged Druggie" !
Oh, and the same manager that wants phantom phone texter and "Love Rat II" Cole in the team !! Well at least wee Cheryl has dumped him from her team !

Why aye pet...
Then there's the prospect of the ex captain playing alongside and building "Bridges" with his "friend" Wayne .,., ( well at least Wayne will know where he is for that 90 minutes ! )
The bold Terry only wants to win the Premier League title, the Champions League Cup AND the World Cup, Hahahaha ,,, oh and a few more more Groupies thrown in to the communal bath after the games wouldn't go amiss I'm sure ! ,,,

Only a totally brainless, but very rich, serial shagger could think in these terms and actually believe it might happen ? ( You can't BUY a World Cup son ! )
Well like I said ,, God bless them ,, they need all our support ???
Och naw, let's just scoff and buy the new World Cup tee shirt ,, The ABE !
( that's "anybody but engerland" just in case you've missed it )

PS for Fab : Before & after JOHN TERRY was famously dropped as captain when it was revealed he had bedded Chelsea and England team-mate Wayne Bridge's girlfriend, we also had/have :-
The other Engerland "stars" said to have cheated on their WAGs are, Ashley Cole, Frank Lampard, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Wayne Rooney, David James, David Beckham, Emile Heskey and Gabriel Agbonlahor.
Aston Villa striker Agbonlahor ( some English name that one ! ) got three girls pregnant.

He was allegedly seeing them all at the same time. ( quite a bloody striker then ! )

His Villa strike partner Ashley Young stripped off on webcam for a girl. ( not so much a striker as a flasher then ? )
Spurs front man Jermain Defoe denied being a love rat in 2008 after being accused of cheating on his then fiancée. ( aye right Jer, we believe you ,, even if she didn't ! )
So it's true then ,,, England WILL win the World Cup ?

Alreadty have in fact .,.,., Champs-of-sex-scandal-World-Cup that is of course.

My Beloved Valentine.

Still crazy ( about the woman ) after all these years !

We stopped doing the soppy, stupidly expensive, cards & flowers long ago.

We now choose instead to express our love for one another in the much more practical form of a really nice bottle of wine, given each to the other and drunk over the following days with a couple of equally special, romantic meals for two, sometimes quietly in a nice restaurant, sometimes at home with appropriate background music ...

OK so some might say we are just a pair of old drunks, ( hic ) but I prefer to believe we are telling one another that we are still deeply in love and at the same time doing our bit to stick it to the Greeting Card & Flowers industry rip off merchants !

So on yet another Feb.14 together I raise my glass ( metaphorically of course for it's still only breakfast time ! ) in a toast to the Love of my Life.

Cheers petal, and long may it continue.

Love always xxx xx

You Shouldn't Laugh !,,, No, really, you shouldn't !

Can you believe this ?
A BUNGLING medic managed to give a false LEFT foot to a patient who had lost a right leg !

Aw c'mon ,, you've got to be kidding me ?
And no' only that, the Numpty Doc. technician Malcolm Griffiths, failed to spot his blunder at TWO later check-ups with the patient.

Eh ? Wis he sober ?
The case of the "two left feet" charge is one of a list of complaints that false limb technician Griffiths will face at a disciplinary hearing next week.

Hey, maybe he thought his patient was Jake the Peg ?
He "could" be suspended or struck off if he's found unfit to practise. IF ???
Well he might no' be unfit, but I guess he disnae dance either !!
Griffiths was fired from the "SMART" centre - ( hahahahahaha the SMART centre ! ) a mobility clinic at Edinburgh's Astley Ainslie Hospital - in 2008.
He allegedly fitted the wrong foot to a patient identified as "A".

( And just let me get this right here ,,, "A" didnnae notice either that he had aquired TWO LEFT FEET ? )
He is also accused of causing "unnecessary delay and pain" by bungling the case of another patient, identified as "D".

Aw Don't tell me ,,, he put this one's new heid on back tae front ?
In all, this eejit faces complaints and allegations involving 11 patients.
Let me just comment here, if it took 'till patient #11 before his bosses noticed his poor performance then they should be fired as well !
It's alleged that he "demonstrated continual poor performance in several areas of his work". Alleged ?? alleged ,, who writes this garbage ?
Griffiths's fate will be decided next Thursday by the Health Professions Council Conduct and Competence Committee.
It's only taken from 2008 'till now to figure if this guy is competent or not .,.,.,
Jesus ! Gi' me strength !

When did the Renfrew Ferry last sink ?

The AMPHIBIOUS bus ( the Amfibus ! ) that can travel on water and roads ( Hey, didn't Jesus do that walking on water thing too ? ) has been grounded - less than an hour after taking to the water. Glug, glug Oopps !
Trials on the River Clyde had to be abandoned because of a "technical problem".
Operators, Stagecoach ( Oh stop it ,,, it's the Pony Express again then ? ) were carrying out a two-day test and demonstration ( ha ! ) of the "horse bus" between Renfrew and Yoker.
But the trial had to be aborted when the bus/horse developed a wee problem !
You can take a horse to water you know .,.,., But now, Roy Rogers is being brought in as a "whisperer consultant !"
A Stagecoach spokesman said, "It's all part of the challenge you face when you have a technical trial and we will now go back to the evaluation process." ( Shank's Pony ? )
Horses for courses and all that !
Stagecoach ( can't these cowboys find a better name ? ) had intended to have two hours of tests this morning but had to stop after half an hour.
Glug, glug, glug ,,,, throw that horse a lifebelt !
Based on a bus chassis, the amfibus uses a hull that allows the vehicle to float.
( Aye well, some of the time mibbie ! ) While it operates like a normal coach ( or horse ) on the road, when it's in water it is driven by twin water jets and can achieve a speed of eight knots, but hey, so can a wee submarine !

The £700,000 Dutch-made vehicle ( HOW MUCH ? ) can carry 50 passengers ( right, after you Councillor ? ) and may replace the ferry service between Renfrew and Yoker, which is to be scrapped.,.,., wait for it ,, to save money ! .,., Hahahaha SAVE money ?? Spend a mere £700 grand PER ! and pay suitable compen to all souls "lost at river"! and Bingo ,, we're onto another Glesca winner ! 500-years from now they'll be moaning about it being replaced ,, probably by some wee dependable FERRY thing ?
That 500-year-old Renfrew Ferry service ( which I don't think ever suffered the ignomony of it's about-to-be successor ? ) will stop running in March because operators Strathclyde Partnership for Transport said it needed to save money.
Can somebody please buy these bampots a calculator ?
Incidentally, an amfibus has never been used in the UK for commuters.
( Mmmmm, wonder why ? Maybe they never came up again for air ? )
Anyway, the Spokesman went on to say: "We thought the bus horse would be particularly suited to linking the two sides of the Clyde where you can have one seamless journey from one side to the other ??? He said WHIT ?
"We often look at our rivers and estuaries and see them as a bit of a barrier to travel but we actually think they can be a link between two communities.
He did it again ,, Eh gibberish that, is it no'?
God, and he's still going on .,.,
"This service we think has got big potential." ( For what exactly ? Who still uses the old Ferry ? It's just a tourist or photographer attraction is it no' ? But of course a nostalgic one that should be kept !
I don't remember the last time I saw it actually MOVE and I'm getting on a bit ! )
However, I leave the last comment to the sharp wee cookie wrote about the aborted trial :
Bet that's the last time the driver dips his headlights :-)

An old friend is gone.

I was more than happy some 10-years ago when my job reached the "at risk" stage after some 38-years, and I was later "allowed to leave"!!
Some of my staff/workforce, many of them long term employees like myself, became so much more than mere fellow workers over many of these years. Genuine whole family friendships developed, most of which have lasted a lifetime now.
However, as life & time passes and interests diversify we meet socially less & less and communication finally dwindles to an exchange of Xmas cards with a scant few words of what's been happening in our lives over the previous year !
Silly, silly mistake ! Why do we let this happen ?,, for don't we always end up regretting it ?.,., For no good reason we lose a whole set of friends .,., as if we had a superfluousity of them !
Then one day, completely out of the blue it all comes home to roost, back to bite you on the bum, and with such a vengence !
A good friend and old colleague suddenly and unexpectedly dies. Oh !
Not only that but I now find he's been fighting his killer, cancer, for some 3 or 4 years ,, and of course had I known I would certainly have made a point of visiting .,., How could you not visit a guy who can get into a party mood like this ?
Even worse, his wife & 2-boys were understandably devastated and I have only now found out that his funeral was last week.
A sad news day indeed so today I say a belated and heartfelt goodbye to one of nature's good guys, Cheeri Alex, so sorry to have missed your passing but we'll always have fond memories !

As if there's not enough stupidity in the world already !

Enter PC Plonker Plod !

Aka Shiny Buttons.

This is the bloody no-brain fool who booked a motorist for blowing his nose in his car !!

Forget all the nonsense of whether the car was in neutral, with the handbrake on .,.,

IT DOESN'T MATTER ,,

It's time we told the do-gooder-brigade, health & safety, Bureaucracy-gone-mad team (again) that anybody capable of driving can manage to do such simple chores whether the car is in gear or out .,., we understand how clutch & foot brake work ! ( and we can also light a ciggie, change a Cd, talk to our passengers, check a Sat Nav screen and lots more whilst driving safely, but I won't go into further detail lest any children be reading :-)

However here's a link for grown up people !! ( not Plod obviously ! ) http://www.howcast.com/videos/6630-How-To-Have-Sex-in-a-Car

This is the same clown incidentally who booked another of the public (who pay his damned wages) when the unsuspecting guy dropped a tenner on his way out of a shop !

He was deemed a Litter lout .,.,., ! Give me strength !

Who let this idiot on the Force ? And why is he not now on the dole ??

His mammy should put him over her knee and skelp his stupid arse.

And if this case should ever go to court I would love to see EVERY motorist in Britain sit in their car on the day and get out the hankies .,.,

Let's hear it for the dumbest cop in my lifetime .,.,

Big blow now !!

The Dress Circle ?

The beloved was commenting the other night that we have lost a few of our closer friends over the years .,., some through death, some through neglect but nevertheless our "inner circle" was definitely dwindling !
Time to perhaps add some new friends ? Not a bad idea I'm thinking, so watch out all you unsuspecting readers out there .,., we may well drag you into the "circle" and once in, there's no way out other than the above mentioned ( undesireable ) neglect or DEATH !!

She also nudged me again in the direction of "going out" of an evening !
Movies, theatres, pubs, restaurants, you know the kind of thing ? Again I agreed wholeheartedly. Let's do it ,, more often if not regularly ?
So, this very morning I opened up the Glasgow Theatres "guide," the Concert Hall "what's on," the movies currently doing the rounds .,., in short I'm on a mission !

Gees, I wonder how she's gonna react when I give her the list of up-coming "events here in the 2nd. city of the Empire !" Jes-us ,, this you simply won't believe .,., well I don't !

Offerings from The Pavillion over the next month or two include ; Dorothy Paul ( Once more .. again ! ,, that says it all Dot ! ) Ken ( f**king spare us ) Dodd ! , Sydney ( bloody) Devine ( is he no' deid yet ? ) Dean Park ( good but if you've seen him wance ! ) an evening with Larry ( who? ) Lamb ( Oh that scintillating deid actor from Eastenders ,, what the hell's he gonna do on stage for 2-hours ? ) The Hairy Bikers ?? ( ditto ,, mibbie cook the audience a meal ? ) ,,, then it gets worse ,, aye WORSE ,,, Showwaddywaddy, Jethro Tull, Christian ( now he's definitely deid surely ? ) Joe Longthorne ( he was dying years ago ! ) American Wrestling ( eh ? )
Then there's the sound ( nothing ) like groups ,, Abba, T-Rex, Roy Orbison, Johnny Cash .,.,
Oh and wait for it ,, the absolute end ,, and deid for sure ,, The Magic of Scotland with ,,,
Yep,,, The Alexander Brothers .,., I repeat .,., JESUS !!
Why no' just shut down the theatres ?

The Concert Hall is nae better ,, Celtic connections ( hopeless for wan hauf o' Glesca onyway ? ) Transatlantic connections ( and they Yanks cannae even play fitba')
Oh or Chinese New Year celebrations ?.,.,
Maybe Anton & Erin takes your fancy ? Naw, mine neither !
But of course there's always the BBC Orchestra doing the well loved Schumann !! ( C'mon )

The Kings is possibly even worse ,,, Oodles o' Ballet or a host of "alternative" ( that means swearing a lot ) comedians ?

Oh tae hell ,, Let's do the cinema then I thought ;
Would you believe Alvin & the (bloody) Chipmunks, ( the Squeakquel !! ), Toy Story II ( in 3D ! ), Avatar or Astro Boy ?

Have I just been unlucky and picked the wrong season ??
Or ( oh shit nawwww ,,, ) is this what I've got to look forward to forever more in our places of entertainment ?? HELPPPPP !!! Stop the World ,,, A waant aff .

Fur Rabbie .. wi' love

A've bin threatenin' tae dae this at oor Golf Club Burns Nicht for years ,,,
Wan o' they nichts am gonnie pluck up the courage .,.,
Or dae a mean A'll drink up the courage :-) Whitever .,.,
Mibbie get flung oot oan ma ear though ?
Therr's an afae loat o' real Burns fans oot therr ???
Och whit the hell .,., here goes ! Whit dae ye think .,., ?

Tae a Fert !

O' whit a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Jist as ye sit doon, amang yer kin
Ther sterts tae stir an enormous wind

The neeps an tatties an mushie peas
Stert wurkin' lik a gentle breeze
But soon the pudin' wi the sauncie face
Ill huv ye blawin a' ower the place

Nae maitter whit the hell ye dae
Abody's gonnae huvtae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a wee bullet oot a rifle

Haud yer bum ticht tae the cherr
Tae try tae stoap the leakin' err
Shiftie yersel fae cheek tae cheek
An' pray tae Goad it disnae reek

But aw yer efforts go asunder
Oot it comes lik a' clap o' thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me, a sonic boom !

Goad almichty it fairly reeks
Hope a' huvnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog a' better hurry
Aw whit the hell, its no ma wurry

Abody roon aboot me chokin
Wan or two ur' nearly bokin
A'll feel better noo fur a' while
Cannae help but raise a smile

Wis him ! aw shout wi' accusin glower
Alas too late he's jist keeled ower
Ya dirty bugger they shout an' sterr
A dinnae feel welcome ony merr

Wherr ere ye go, let yer wind gan free
Sounds lik' jist the joab fur me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's perty
Ower the sake o' wan wee ferty


Slainte

Gericrumbles to a man !

Down at the Golf Club, just for a wee change ! .,.,

I was complaining today about my sore hip, which is giving me gyp !
( Note that wee bit of poetry there on Burns Night ! )
I was told in no uncertain fashion to belt up since I was one of the lucky ones .,., I was one of the Seniors "younger" members and one who was still "intact" !!
I decided to take a snap poll. ( never expecting the result which follows ! )
We were gathered round a table with some 12 golfers in attendance.
Of that lot there were only four who had all their original bones !
The rest ( 8 of 12 ! ) had either a new hip, new knee, or some of each .,.,
The next table had two missing players of their usual 4-ball today ,,, one recovering from a replacement hip job, the other waiting to go in for his !!
Of the two at the table one had had a heart attack about a year ago and the other has had recent eye surgery !
The table on the other side had old Ken .,., suffering badly these days from arthritis .,., He is the guy who walks round the course most days with his dog in tow ,,, it sits tight to the ground when a ball is being struck, then races after his master's ball, circling it after each shot like the Red Indians would a stagecoach, but never ever touching it. ( well trained golfing pooch ! )
Old Ken is now very, very slow and believe it not so is the damned dog ,,, for it too is apparently suffering arthritis in it's old age !! This sight has to be seen to be believed but I swear it's the truth !
Others of our group, but missing today, include, a stroke, three heart attacks, two hips & a knee ( waiting for the 2nd. one ! ) another hip, a bad back and a transplanted kidney !
Oh and a Bagpipe player !! and two other guys wi' deaf aids !!
I don't think I'm in a healthy place right now ?
Geriatrics .,., I mean Gericrumbles tae a bloody man the lot o' them !

Some movies can make you Suicidal !

Watched "The Hours" last night.
I've been a sort of latent Virginia Woolf fan for a long time and read her classic Mrs. Dalloway some years ago .,., a difficult read but well worth the effort.
Mrs Dalloway was the key element of the plot of both the Michael Cunningham novel The Hours and its subsequent screen adaptation. Cunningham's title was derived from Woolf's original title for Mrs Dalloway of course.
His novel won the 1999 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction, the 1999 PEN/Faulkner Award for Fiction, and was later made into this Oscar-winning 2002 movie.
Oh to write such a book !!
The way the movie plot is intertwined with the original novel and Virginia Woolf's own life is both masterful & wonderful. The intricate detail is in every frame if you know where to look.
The movie starred Nicole Kidman as VW, the amazing Meryl Streep as Clarissa ( Dalloway/ Vaughan ) & Julianne Moore as Laura Brown.
VW's war casualty, Septimus Smith, is replaced by the modern day Aids victim, poet Richard but the suicide outcome remains the same.
The movie left me completey drained emotionally and close to tears but what a joy .,., I must watch this movie again ( and maybe again ! )
I recommend it unreservedly, but would urge you, if you haven't already read it, to first read VW's Mrs. Dalloway.

I see the funny season has begun again ,,

And it's begun in earnest this year !
Some clown in Aberdeen is only trying to sell a hole in the ground !
Yours for only an offer over £30,000 .,., Hahahaha you have to hand it to them ? With entrepreneurial skills like this they'll "be millionaires by this time next year !!"
A mere 30 grand plus and you could be the proud owner of not only an old clapped out granite quarry but also the biggest (man-made) hole in all of Europe .,.,
Woop-de-doo, just what I've always wanted !
Phewwwww, thank God I don't have a spare 30 big ones lying around ,, I might just have been tempted !

So, I'm a Pumpa yet again !

The daughter finally gave birth to the new we'an on Mon 11th. at 9-10am
She weighed in at 9lbs-10oz .,.,note the Time : Weight ratio here !
And note also all you Maths nerds ,, she's a Binary Babe ! 11.01.10
I wonder if this now qualifies me for "Super-Pumpa" status ?
Dougie, Master of the Grand Order of Super Pumpas ??
This question follows a chat with my eldest grandson many years ago which went something like this :-
He explained to me one day while we were sitting alone … the 7- ages of man ! ….
He was about 4- years old at the time !
Pumpa ? ! ( well it was a question and an exclamation all at the same time ) he suddenly announced ,
You know what ?? ( a favourite expression of his )
First you're a baby, then you’re a tweenie , then next you become a biggie, then a schoolboy, then a papa ,,,, and then you’re a pumpa …
But that’s only six things I told him solemnly ….
There’s supposed to be seven ages of man ???
What comes after a Pumpa ??
He turned to face me , put his hands on his wee hips in that very special way he does, and shrugged his shoulders in what can only be described as his “ French shrug ! “… and said ….
Poouff … that’s it !
Arghhhhhhhhhh .,., My next step is …… Poouff !!… you’re deid pumpa !
I tried to explain to him that I didn’t really like this “ ending “ since I was already a pumpa and therefore had little time left in his “Cycle of Life”

A few days later he came back to me with this amended version :-
Pumpa , D’you know what ?
No I said , …. What ?
Ist you’re a baby
2nd you’re a Tweenie
3rd you’re a biggie ……
( all of this of course being the various stages of Nursery life )
4th pumpa, you’re a schoolboy
and 5th you get to be a papa
6th You’re a Pumpa ( and all the while he laboriously counted them off on his little fingers.
I had no idea where we were going with his theory this time or whether he’d simply forgotten that he’d told me all this before .
then he finally reached his goal …. All his own thinking too apparently !
7th you get to be a super pumpa !! AND…..
8th Then you become a super, brilliant Pumpa !!!
Well I suppose that gives me a goal to aim for …. For patently I’m not there yet !
Ahhhhhh … That’s my Boy ! he just knew I hadn’t liked the previous ending at Pumpa !!
But 8-stages of man ???? Ah why the hell not ?
Maybe if I ever reach that exulted stage he’ll add another for me ?

Another cracker from our brilliant Government ?

Spotted in a very small inside column in yesterday's newspaper.
The government is making plans to offload millions of doses of swine flu vaccine amid predictions that a "third wave" of the pandemic is unlikely to happen.
Well who'd have believed it ?
Offload it to whom I would ask ???
This was supposedly a WORLD Pandemic so was the UK the only country to buy this stuff ??
If not, then I repeat .,., to whom are they going to sell it ?
The Martians, or some "other worldly" race perhaps ??

Options (apparently) include selling surplus vaccine ??? or donating it to poorer countries !
Ahh, so we've wasted the British taxpayers money yet AGAIN ?
Cases of swine flu have now dropped dramatically to well below what is usually seen in winter flu outbreaks. ie, they were all WRONG ! AGAIN !!

And if there was a buyer in outer space then they've missed that boat too .,., since last week France announced it was selling millions of doses of their swine flu vaccine after finding they had more than enough to cope with any outbreak.

Oh but wait for it .,., here come the excuses .,.,
We have to keep a stockpile for ourselves because we don't know what's going to happen in 2010 .,., Hahahaha, like we KNEW what was going to happen at the start of every other year ??
So, by that reckoning we're also gonna have to stockpile anti-every-other unknown disease serum in case it happens in 2010 ?
If there was a resurgence we would look very foolish if we had disposed of a valuable stockpile. ( Hey, I've got news for you .,.,.,.,., )

Michael Summers, vice chair of the Patient's Association, said it would have been a "dereliction of duty" if the government had not ordered enough vaccine to cover everyone.
Oh, Let's make sure this one never gets into Government for God's sake .,.,!!
But he added, there were "lessons to be learnt" about negotiating contracts of this size.
Oh shit ,, he's already one of them !
Professor David Salisbury, head of immunisation :
The UK bought 60m doses of swine flu vaccine from GSK and 30m from Baxter.
An official figure for the cost of the vaccine to the UK has never been given but it is likely to run into hundreds of millions. ( that's 100's of MILLIONS of OUR money !)
And they accused the bankers of mismanaging our funds !!

In addition to selling or donating vaccine, another option under consideration is to keep supplies of the vaccine adjuvant, the booster chemical which is produced separately from the vaccine, to use in future pandemics. It has a shelf life of five years !
What future pandemic ?.,., when's the last time we had a pandemic ?.,., certainly more than 5-years ago .,., so what this actually translates into is simply this .,.,
By the time they come to dispose of it ( down the proverbial pan ) they'll think we'll all have forgotten, ( like they think we've forgotten their illegal expenses claims ) & of course they will no longer be in power and so will gleefully blame the next lot !!
Tee-hee-hee .,., what fun games these Politicos play !
Anybody got a spare wall we can line them up against ?

Come back Heather ,, all is forgiven !

Jesus it's cauld ! I don't remember a caulder day than this one and I've lived through quite a few ! Last night apparently, Scotland was as cold as the South Pole .,., I believe it !! Brrrrrrrrrrrr ..... I thought this was the Soo' Side, no' the Soo' Pole !
For the first time ever, well in the 37-years we'd lived in this house, we have a frozen pipe .,., :-(
Our small downstairs toilet, on the porch, ( that's inside of course ! ) is on the only outside wall not protected by cavity wall insulation and it feels a bit Baltic in there .,., the radiator in the wee'est room is just no' man enough to do the business obviously !!
Brrrrrr .... -23* C .,., When is it gonna end ? We Scots are no' made for these conditions .,.,
Nae chains for oor car tyres, nae furry boots, nae skis, nothin' ..,.,
and if you'll notice, it's all happened only since oor wee Heather ( the weather ) went away !!
Even the maddest of golfers can't play in this .,., and yeah, I'm one of the maddest so I know what I'm talking about !
Let's start a petition to get the BBC to "Bring Back Heather" .,.,
Judith, much as we lust after you, you've obviously simply not got Heather's weather gift ?

Prevaricating Politicians .,., Aye, so what else is new ?

The scorn and anger against the Islamic group planning a protest march with coffins through Wootton Bassett, the village renowned for honouring troops killed in Afghanistan, has intensified with Gordon Brown saying he is “personally appalled” by the prospect.

David Cameron, the Conservative leader, has condemned the proposed march by these people as “completely unacceptable”,

Chris Grayling, the shadow home secretary, called for the group to be banned, accusing it of wanting to “whip up hatred”.
He added: “I have already called for members of this group to be prosecuted for some of their activities and the Government should now ban this group altogether.”

East Kilbride Labour MP Adam Ingram, a former armed forces minister, told The Herald: “It is an outrage that people should even consider besmirching the good name of our service personnel in such a way. “This march and demonstration have no place in our democracy.”

Wiltshire Police said the force was aware of the “significant community concern” caused by the proposed march and could “in exceptional circumstances” apply to have it banned

What's wrong with these idiot Politicians ? Do something about it then !!
It's bloody simple as far as I'm concerned .,.,.,
­Islam4UK, a branch of the extremist al Muhajiroun movement,who are planning to have 500 members parading with empty coffins, symbolising Muslim victims, – should be lifted by our Special Branch MI5/6 and DEPORTED, and without any need for costly trials either .,.,.,
It's high time these foreign extremists were told ,,
THIS IS OUR COUNTRY and we don't want you here.

Rant time 2010 has begun !

I know we all live in the same world but how often do we stop and look at what's going on ?
The stupidity surrounding us is quite staggering at times ,, in fact most of the time !
I sight a few examples from today's newspapers .. but it could be ANY day's papers !

We're so surprised at having snow in winter in the UK that we're now about to run out of grit and salt .,., yep, and with at least another 10-days of freezing conditions and more white stuff falling .,., we can't find any grit !! Prepare to stay home !!

New security at our (Western ) airports means we will soon need to check in 3-hours ahead of flying !! Seems to me like the Terrorists have won the war ? No way will I be spending 6-hours in airports just to prove I'm not carrying a bomb in my boxers ! ( Yeah it's the same on the homeward journey ! )

Here's a goody .,., if you're ever caught speeding .,., always insist on seeing the Calibration Certificate for the camera used .,., chances are it's way out of date and you'll walk, with your driving licence still intact ! Thank you Dougie !!

More good news .,., the Recession ( that man made Banker ruse that's been used to rob us all .,., again ) will begin to end in the Spring ! We're to recover some later in the year .,.,
Oh goody, just in time for the next batch of lying, cheating, thieving, expenses driven MP's taking over as Government ! Tories this time round ?,,, Wow, what a difference that'll make :-(

Last item today ,,, Have you ever read through the COMPLETE list of New Year's Honours ?
I have ,, today ,, first time ever ! And last time ever !,,, But I do urge you .,., cast an eye over this lot .,., thousands of them .,., it's absolutely unbelievable .,., both the number and the reasons for their "honours." .,., You'll find them ALL in today's Glasgow Herald.
Here's just a wee selection ,,,

The ROYAL VICTORIAN MEDAL
Bar to RVM : Anthony John Hardingham, RVM, Tractor Driver, Sandringham Estate.

RVM
Glen Andrew Beveridge, Executive Butler, Government House, Melbourne. Mrs Patricia Joyce Earl, Housekeeper, Sandringham House. Constable Kevin Gande, Metropolitan Police. For services to Royalty Protection. Mrs Andrea Elizabeth Hudson, Cook, Royal Lodge. Miss Beverley Jones, Assistant Dresser to The Queen. George David Main, Gamekeeper, Balmoral Estate. David James McIntosh, Security Office Team Leader, Palace of Holyroodhouse. Mrs Vivienne Oates, Linen Room assistant, Buckingham Palace. Richard Sands, Yeoman Warder, HM Tower of London.

It really is time to rid ourselves of these Royals .,., as far as I can see all they do is take the piss !

Speaking as a Golfer !

Is this weather no’ hellish ?
I’ve completely forgotten now how to address a ball .,., Is it Mr, Mrs, Ms .,.,or Hey You Ba'??
And, the forecast is for MORE OF THIS white stuff for a further bloody fortnight !!

The lovely Judith just isn't doing the job Heather left her !

I can’t take it any more .,.,., I’m off to join the Tiddlywinks Society :-)
At least I can play that game in any kind of weather .,., I think ?
It's either that or "Heid-in-the-Oven" time has come ? mibbie ?
Or mibbie no !
C'mon weather people .,., let's get real .,.,

This is not keeping me fit, nor is it keeping my wee wifie sane !!
Ex Captain & current Secretary of .,.,., eh, nothing !!
PS : Have y'all seen the latest Golf Ad on Sky Sports ,,?

The orchestra conducted by our Ryder Cup Captain ?

Bet you didn't know Big Colin was such a fun guy ??

Dooougie the Scudder

A Bit of an Upper & Downer !

Went down to see the still pregnant daughter yesterday.
She'd told the NHS to stick their Caesarean section and waddled home again .,., she doesn't have time for a 6-week recovery with 4-other kids and a business to run she explained, and she'd had 8 pounders before so a 9 pound odds would be a case of grinning & bearing it !
Ouch as they say !
Anyway they decided ( her & her man ) that the house needed to be completely changed round, yet again !! The biggest boy ( 12 ) needed to either share with his little brother (4) or move into a smaller room so that two others could have his bigger room !!
He'd opted for the Greta Garbo "I vant to be alone" route so ,,, this gave them a problem !
The smaller place had been a child's bedroom and the daughter ( among her many other talents ) being something of an artist had done a 4-wall mural of dinasaurs et al floor to ceiling !
Very, very good they were but definitely NOT a 12-year old's dream decor !
So, I was sent with the almost teen to the wallpaper shop while mother went to the Queen Mum's place for her latest baby scan .,.,., only to be asked on our return if I could just paper the room TODAY ,,, like eh, 30th. Dec. just when I'm planning a lazy day in front of the TV with maybe a wee refreshment or three !
So we started at 4-30pm, me & my faithful paster assistant .,.,
Then in the middle of the job came the UPPER referred to in the title .,.,
With one & a half walls completed we were shouted down for dinner .,., and tonight it was the turn of the said 12-year old to prepare .,., He made us possibly the best Lasagne I've ever tasted .,., his 9, well almost 10 year old sister prepared the salad ,,, and together they also produced a huge bowl of delicious home made chips and a couple of garlic bread baguettes .,.,., Now this was no small undertaking ,, this was a meal for EIGHT !!
I now begin to see the logic light at the end of the daughter's tunnel .,., a use for all these we'ans my daughter keeps producing .,.,.,
If they are so well trained in the art of cookery at this stage, then by the time they're finished they'll have a full compliment of Butler, Chefs, House Maids ,,, the lot, for their old age !
Brilliant !
We were later brought drinks at the work place but I suspect ,, just to ensure we'd finish the job !! And so we did ,,, at 11-45pm !!
Home, knackered, large whisky & bed followed in quick succession ,,,
Thankfully that's ALL the rooms ( in that house ! ) finished .,., for the moment ???
Phewwwww ,,,,

And another ,, It's nearly there !

My earth mother daughter is expecting ,,, well we all are really !
Child number FIVE is imminent ! Yeah that was FIVE, it wasn't a misprint or anything ! I'm what's called a Super Pumpa ( that's Gramps to all you who don't know such words ).,.,

So much so that on her visit to the Doc yesterday he said ..
" Where has she gone ( the latest baked bean is another girl btw .,., it was either that or another boy of course !) .,., there's only 2/5ths. of the we'an left in your belly ( and if that's only 2/5ths. of it, all I can say is ,, Jesus !! ) .,., the rest is somewhere down in your pelvic region !! "
So she says " a new year baby then ?"
"Ha, what makes you think you'll last that long ?" says the good Doc ( who incidentally specialised(s) in gynaecology so presumably knows a near thing when he sees one ! ,, although it does give ME a little cause for concern when I go see him !! )
So anyway, the beloved & I are now preparing ourselves for a house full of little people when the Bells finally come in ( what a daft expression, there's nae bells comin' in here ,, no' enough room ! ) at midnight tomorrow !! Well we can hardly leave the other 4 out in the street now can we ?
Who knows, at the rate they shove these poor new mothers back out of the maternity NHS bed we'll be lucky if we don't have all five here complete with the new again maw & paw !
I really must get round to explaining to this child of mine what's causing all these we'ans to keep turning up !

Well it's nearly there.

2010 that is .,., another week and we're into yet another year !
I don't do resolutions any more ( impossible to keep at this time of the year aren't they ? )
So this year I'm not doing any again !
I would like to go back on my Atkins diet but later ,, maybe Feb. ,,, for I've gone back up a size again ,, I crept up a few years back to 17-of our Scottish stones !! It happened so slowly & gradually that I almost didn't notice but latterly the underpants began to nip ,,, Then I knew ! Extra large into large just doesn't go !
A mere few months later ( well ok, about 8 or 9 ) I was back to my svelt, super fit, fighting weight of 13 and a small quarter.
And so easy ,,, no hunger whatsoever ,, gone was the belly, and inches lost everywhere else too ,,
Now, a year or two on and I'm halfway back to that dreaded heavy weight division ,,, not my fighting weight at all ,, in fact it's almost my knock-out weight !
I'm hitting the scales currently at 15 and a half of these same Scottish stones ,, but now they feel more like bricks ! And the man bits are nipping again ,,, so it's either commando, new underwear, or the diet ? I'm not a natural soldier, so Doc A ,, hold the bread, potatoes, & beer .,., here I come !!

As Carrie Bradshaw might say .,.,.,

So Tiger's world is crumbling around his ears ,,,
His many misdemeanours are jumping out to bite him on the bum on an almost daily basis !
I can only say ,, what the hell did the stupid bugger expect ?

Did he really think he could keep this lifestyle up ( oops ! ) without the press finding out ?
However, you think as the first Sports Billionaire he should worry ?? Ha ,., he'll surely be financially sound for life, even if he's now hounded out of the game ?
But wait ,,, half of that billion might get to the poor used little woman & the kids ? I'm sure her ( very good ) lawyers will get the miserly $30 pre nup rescinded in favour of a proper share for a woman done wrong ?

I'm sure too that all the ladies of the night ( and day ) from Maine to Albuquerque will also be hiring good lawyers to jump on the $$$$ band wagon ,,, they seem to be looking at a few million each ,, ( and how many more to come out of the woodwork we wonder ? )

And all the lawyers ?? Boy oh boy ,, what a killing they'll make ,, they must be thinking right now ,, sweetie shop ,, we'ans ... ho ho .,.,,

The advertising giants are all now taking huge steps backwards too .,., well can you blame them ,, take Gillette for instance ,, they have the Tiger, no more Mr. Squeaky clean USA ( shaven or otherwise ! ) the French football cheat with the hand ,, also now lost as the sportsman of the decade and finally the Swiss tennis star of stars who has also come out of the woodwork to admit match fixing !!

And now, even Santa has been accused this week of using exclusively slave female reindeer to pull him around the world ( and all at minimum wage despite unsocial & overtime hours ! )

So as Carrie might ask ,,, Are all men bastards ,,, ? or just the ones that get caught ?

PS : Brilliant photo courtesy of the wonderful Annie Leibovitz

( sorry Annie I'm only borrowing it ! )