My Brilliant Brain

Watched a programme on TV last night ,, absolutely fascinating.

My Brilliant Brain, Accidental Genius ,.,. an insight into Savant Brains.
About people with exraordinary brains ,.,. some born that way, some after brain trauma ,,
One guy ( a born with ) just sorted numbers constantly in his head ,, he designed calendars of all sorts ,, but he could also remember everything .,,. could tell you what day it was on July 20th. 1912 ,, or any other day, date , year etc ,, He could also read a 500 page book inside an hour ,,,
And memorise every word !!
Eh, shows just what the human brain is actually capable of though ?
Another guy, without ever a lesson, could play piano like a concert pianist ,, and would play ANY piece, note perfect, after hearing it only once !! Truly amazing ,.,. however the down side was that most of these people were slightly less than normal in other ways ,.., ?

Disabled but also with a rare talent ? Remember Dustin Hoffman as the autistic in the Rain Man ?
The calendar guy couldn't look after his day to day needs ,, like shaving, cooking ,, shopping etc ,, The pianist was like a hobo ,.,.,.
A Scouser, Tommy, formerly a builder, who had a brain haemorrhage at 40 or 50 years old ( and with no artistic talent whatsoever ,.,. or any other talent of course. Well he was a Scouser ! Ha, almost just joking !! ) suffered severe brain damage, but suddenly after surgery became a manic 100 MPH talker ,, then developed an overwhelming need ,,, and I mean an absolutely bloody overwhelming need ,,, to paint & sculpt,.,. He covered every piece of paper in the house, then moved on to every other surface ,, walls, doors, floors, ceilings ,.., and his stuff is amazing ,, problem for him is he simply can't rest ,, or stop painting ,, he just goes at it morn to night ,, sadly however his wife just couldn't live with the new artist in him ,, she had to leave to find some sanity for her own life ,,,
Anyway, there was this Prof guy, from Oz I think ,, who is studying this Savant brain behaviour stuff ,,,
He reckons that one day ,, and maybe not too far off either, we will ALL be able to tap in to this incredible brain power ,,, to bring out a special talent that he believes we all have ,.,.
All I can say to that is WOW ! Let me at it ,, I want to try this ,.,. Please ,.,., I have always believed our brains are vastly under used .
One female ( another medic studying this phenomenon ) who also has the savant brain herself, spoke of her talent ,,, she was a writer ,.,.wrote everything from poetry to just her life experiences ,,, she told of also being somewhat manic ,,, wakening in the night and scribbling notes on post it pads ,, sticking them all over the place, hundreds of them ,,

Quote " I just had to get this stuff down on paper ,, my head was bursting with stuff I had to write down "
This describes exactly how (and why ? ) I started writing ,.,. I used these same words early on in my writing ??? My head too was bursting with stuff ,, it wouldn't stop .. and also wakened me in the night.
She is now on medication to curb her "enthusiasm" ,.,. I have just kinda dried up a bit ,,, it no longer wakens me ,,, but then according to my wife ,, nothing does !
However, a quite fascinating study ,,

I wait with baited breath for the Prof. to come up with his "Thinking Cap" that will bring these talents gushing out of us all.

I just know he's right.

The High Life ?

Why don't high rise flats work in Glasgow ? Nay, Scotland even ,.,.
in fact pretty much anywhere in Britain they simply don't work ?? WHY ??
They work fine in NYC ,.,. they work in Singapore ,,, Tokyo ,.,. many, many countries have them ,, I've seen them ,,, they look great and people like living in them ,.,. so,
Why here, do the residents of these homes in the sky seem to drop right off our antisocial behaviour scale ?
Is it that these other countries don't have social misfits ?
No, I hardly think so .,,.
Is it that we build our skyscrapers ( well, little versions thereof -- is that what's wrong ? -- we don't build them high enough ? ) in the wrong places ,,, far away from town, alone, ill maintained, and finally lost, and forgotten ?
We actually seem to build these ( and ours are small monstrosities by comparison to those in, say New York ) as some kind of multi-family prison block, specifically for our social outcasts ,.,. almost, as it were, to keep them that way?
Do our social departments actually interview prospective high rise dwellers to ensure we get a complete block of the worst misfits in our society living together ? Or is this pure coincidence ??
Please queue according to type for allocation of flat ,, druggies, alcoholics, asbos, wife beaters, etc,
I think not !
So, where is it that ( only ) we go wrong ?
Answers on a post card please to ,,,,, The Scottish Parliament, Edinburgh
or if you live south of the border,, the Bam Pot @ bloody 10, Downing St.

Glasgow's urban ghetto

Read yet another article today ( it's July 2007 for Christ's sake and still it goes on ! ) in the never-ending saga/circus that is the underpriviledged underbelly of Glasow's overspill.
This place overspilled ( blood generally ) back in my youthful days in the Bar-L !
Why can't /won't these people ever learn ? Aren't they tired of beating the crap out of one another yet ? Can't they see, or at least understand, that there is a different way ?
Or can it possibly be that all encompassing poverty simply rots your brain into a state of limbo from which you can't ever escape ?
I have often wondered what I would have become, what my life might have been, had I not managed to free myself from the jungle that was the Bar-L ?
Would I, now, like these poor, sad specimens of their sick society, trapped in this war zone, also be fighting my territorial rights and lashing out at any outside help / interference ?
Thankfully, for there but for "fate?" I'll never really know .,,.., but ,.,.,. oh boy, do I have my ( dark ) suspicions ?

Sandyhills, My Spiritual Homecoming.

Yesterday, as my little American friend Trent would have said, I HAD A GREAT DAY !

I had been looking forward to this day for months ,, nae, years ,, and had worried that maybe the dreaming of it would far outshine the reality.

But I needn't have concerned myself, for, as it turned out, it was a truly awesome day !

I played Sandyhills again, for the first time in over 40-years ,, the golf course where I first played the game as a skinny teenager !

I didn't remember much of the place ,, a few holes looked familiar but not many ,,, like all golf courses, naturally, it has changed over the years, but I was back, and I loved every minute ,,

Memories of my old pal Alistair ( Best ) came flooding back ,, our school days, afternoons spent in his Killin St. home ,.,.,.., sadly he couldn't be there with me this time ,, he died, 2-years ago now.

I played "out of my skin" and had by far the biggest win of the day finishing 9-up ,.,.

I shot an amazing 38 out and 40 back giving me a score consistant with an 8 handicap player rather than my existing 16. My opponents ( only the President and Captain of Sandyhills ) gave me the "Man of the Match " award and re-christened me "The Scud Missile Launcher", having seen the "Scudder" motif on my hat !

I helped our team ( Cowglen Seniors ) to a famous 5-1 victory and the lifting of the Match Trophy.

But what made me happiest of all, and the day really great, was simply returning to my Spiritual Golf Home.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh Happy Days.

My Daughter, the Blogger !

I've been reading my dear daughter's Blogs these last few weeks ,,
Not that I don't always read them ,, it's just that recently she seems to have become more of a "Ranter" than a Blogger ! Of her last 15 or so blogs some 11 have been "RANTS" about one thing or another ! She doesn't always log them as rants of course but that's what they are. Mmmmm ,,, maybe it's her age ? Or maybe it's Mamas Chicken Pox blues ?
Here are some of her moans ,,,
First there was her old Lap Top, the one that broke down so frequently it really belonged to the Repair man !
Then she encountered Juvenile Delinquents in Asda ( whom she dealt with in fine fashion ) ,, Next came the Loonie Fringe Politicians and their Rants ! particularly the BNP and the so called Christians ( she wanted them flung to the Lions ! )
Then we had the crazy UK only Child Nut Allergy study ,,, a hoot of a read ,,
Hahaha then there was the breakfast cereal Mortar / Wallpaper Paste !
Her old Citroen car came in for a kicking next for having the audacity to lose a bolt holding the gearbox in situ !
Oh I nearly forgot the NHS ,, they give out DO NOT DRIVE Warnings on 19-month old baby medicine bottles !
After that we got the story about the miscreant able bodied idiots who use Disabled Parking spaces in Supermarket car parks ( have you seen how many spaces we have for the disabled these days ,, especially at DIY stores ! There just can't be that many disabled DIY'ers in the world, never mind visiting B & Q ? )
Oh, then we had the Incomprehensible Inconsistances ,, or why MS's new Vista wouldn't let her access MS's Hotmail ! A good question you have to agree ?
She finished it all off last week with a moan about Dreary Car Colours making our Dull Scottish envirronment even duller and drearier .,,. I reminded her of old Mr. Ford in America who made cars any colour you wanted ,,, as long as it was BLACK !

She's a Crusader my kid ,.,. and mighty proud I am to read her daily output but there's one Blog she's not finished yet and I'm dying to know ,.,.,.,. about her Top Secret Assignment, that most surreal of things she's been asked to do in a very long time ???
C'mon Phyl ,, do tell :)

My Blook is Coming !!

I see the new way for Publishing Houses to find up and coming authors is to appoint "Blog Readers" ,,,, people whose full time job is just browsing other folks blogs !
Progress knows no bounds !
The resulting publication of course being called a BLOOK !
Well whatever next ,,, I may yet be published ?

Just a wee Social Comment !

Scotland definitely believes in education:

The average Uni professor / School teacher earns more money in a year than a professional footballer gets in a whole week !

Reggie's Folly

The wife of the piece is the dearly beloved ,, Let's call her Ann !

She ( who will be obeyed ! ) wanted to replace the strip of silicone filler with a plastic beading at the back of the wash hand basin in the downstairs toilet ,.,. Oh and ditto on the wash hand basin AND the bath in the upstairs loo too.

So she set about removing the old beading / silicone filler stuff, upstairs first.

I fretted that she was about to break wall tiles and /or wash hand basin and /or the bloody bath !

However with my expert help and guidance :) she managed to complete both with no real damage done.

So next it was onto the downstairs job !

Now to let you understand ,,, The downstairs loo was installed by REGGIE ,,, a sortofa plumber from far away Newarthill that we hired once, in a weak moment.

First we tried to scrape away the existing silicone filler stuff from behind the basin ,,, it was good stuff 'cause it wouldn't come off ! So, we scraped a bit harder ,,, Oh shit, the WHB fell away from the wall ,,, how the hell did that happen ?,, Ah, you forgot didn't you ,, REGGIE ,,, there were NO screws fixing the WHB to the wall ,, only a big dollop of glue !

I tried to balance the basin ( now hanging precariously by the pipes to the hot and cold taps ) ( which incidentally, are on the WRONG way round from every other set of taps in the Western World ) on the pedestal but bugger me, it wasn't fixed to the floor in any way at all ,, not even Reggie glued ,.,.,.

So picture it, if you can ,,, we, two daft old buggers with Stanley knives in hand ,, trying to hold not only the basin but now the pedestal too, to stop it all collapsing to the floor and undoubtedly starting a flood ,, 'cause it's a fair bet in my head by now, that at best Reggie will have only half tightened any pipe fittings ?

God only knows how, but finally, after a few minutes we got ourselves sorted to the point where that lady we called Ann is holding the pedestal steady while I hold the basin on top of it with one hand and try screwing in one of the two missing screws with the other !

Absolutely no way is this going to work ,,, I can't get a screw started in the hole ,, it can only take a very short "dumpy" screwdriver ,,, I try on and off for the next 30 minutes to achieve some kind of fixing to the wall ,,, Alas there's nothing else for it ,,,I get Ann to hold the lot while I get underneath and uncouple the hot and cold pipe connections ,,, fortunately wee Reggie has done a job here ,, and we do have inline isolation valves, so we escape the flooding ! ( for now ? )

Finally, after what seems like an hour, I lift the whole basin free and plonk it down on the carpet in the hall ,, Ah, forgot the hanging pipes and waste would still be full of water didn't I ? ( dirty water in the case of the waste ! ) Ach, The carpet cleaning job can be next !

Now I go about trying to get a couple of fixing screws into the (solid wood) wall. Ok that's done !

While we have this all off the wall the Ann person decides a new strip of wallpaper is required to be fitted in along the back of the basin since it's damaged there ,, and suddenly appears with a roll of this paper as if by magic !! Honest, she did !

The re papering naturally requires some wallpaper paste which we "borrow" from our neighbourly painter/decorator next door.

Then it was back to the job of re fitting Reggie's Folly !

We pushed, we shoved, we tried lying upside down, inside out and backwards ,, could we engage these bloody screws in the wall thro' the basin ?? Not on your f***ing life ,.,.

We sat down for a rest, completely cream crackered by now ,, we had a coffee ,, ( and a cream cracker !! ) and finally after now some 3, or was it 4 hours, with a monumental effort we got it all back together ,, taps tightened, ( for they were loose too ! ) pipes fitted and basin on the wall WITH two screws halfway home ! A result !

Only then did she discover ,,,, the basin is shaped ,, curved if you will ,, arced even ,, NOT BLOODY STRAIGHT ,, and so impossible to fit with her plastic bloody beading strip !!

It's back on the wall now with a thin line of white silicone filler just to tidy up the edge betwixt wall and basin ,,,, or put another way ,, THE WAY IT BLOODY WAS TO BEGIN WITH !!

Next day and every day since, my body has ached with all the bloody contortions I did under that basin ,..,,. and not even any sex was involved !! She's gonna put me in an early grave !

The Saga of the Telephone !

It's been some months now ,,, on and off,,,, aye literally !
It all started when Talk Talk "Upgraded" us for faster, free Broadband.

That was back in Sept. / Oct ,, last year.
At first we noticed our previously slow, but at least secure, Broadband connection would periodically "drop out" for no reason other than perhaps that we weren't using it 24/7 !
It gradually got worse ,,, dropping out 3, 4, 5 times a day. And got more and more difficult to re connect.
Naturally we complained to our new "provider" ,, the fast becoming Infamous TalkTalk ,,

I even wrote to the top man ,, one Charlie Dunstone, CEO, telling him what I thought of his new, super-duper free Broadband !! And I wasn't exactly complimentary !!
I next complained to Dave, our tame, local "face behind the counter" up at our local Car Phone Warehouse ,,
Dave has been very sympathetic and caring ( but he has his internet provided by BT !! )and frequently over the next month or three he 'phoned in our complaint to the Talk Talk call centre service people ,,, we watched him do it !

They would then come on the 'phone and talk us thro' various remedies ,, generally requesting that we isolate all our land line phones and any other phone links in the house ,, like the Sky TV connection and the Computer ,, while they checked the line at the exchange.
They advised us ( often ! ) that, oh yes we've located a fault at our end ,, that's at the BT exchange ,, and we've fixed it now Mr. B, so you won't have any further problems !! Ha ,,,
Next time, for there was always a next time, they would tell us to try changing all of our ASDL filters. That would surely cure the problem ,,, then they wanted us to shut down everything for 48 hours !! Yeah, disconnect from the world for 2-days !!

I told them to go screw themselves ,, or something like that :)
Oh, and incidentally, all the while our new "upgraded high speed" internet connection won't actually happen 'till next July ,,, even although they blatently tell me every time I go online that I'm currently connected at 7.5 Mbps ,,, On checking, that figure is averaging less than 1Mb !
Then, bugger me, the next thing we know our bloody 'phone isn't working ,,, well to be factual here, it works sometimes ,, but most of the time it's so noisey and crackling that no one can hear us &/or vice versa ,.,. many's the day we've had calls from people who simply hung up on us so frustrated were they ,, next the answer machine packed in ,, as did our Caller Display !
So, back again to see Dave ! He laughed ,, but he organised engineers coming to visit ,, Engineers from Talk Talk, Bt and even the elite Bt Open Reach ,.,. They've all been here ,,,

They told us there was no fault on our line here at home ,,, but they'd found ( again ) and fixed ( again ) the faulty HUM on the line at their end !
The whole affair was beginning to HUM as far as I was concerned too !

I told them I would take my business to a Reliable supplier if they didn't fix the problem in the next week !
The 'phone line by now was diabolical ,.,. we were getting nowhere ,,, then suddenly my good lady wife discovered ( by accident ) that hitting the intercom button seemed to clear the line and we could once again hear our family and friends ,,, so for the next month or so we did that ,,, when the line went all hissy and crackly we hit the Intercom button ,,, this gradually led to us just hitting the hand set off the nearest thing handy ,,, and hey presto ,, the line was clear again for a short period ,.,.,.
Then I had a birthday ,,, my big son bought and fitted a new Super fast "Router" for me ,.,. and overnight our "drop out" problem disappeared ! It's been rock solid for nigh on a fortnight now ,,, unheard of since our "Upgrade !"
But still no joy on the 'phone front ,,, but wait ,,,

We started thinking about this hitting of the hand set and the Intercom button thing

Oh no, it couldn't be ,,, could it ?
One night when we had nothing better to do we decided to disonnect the 'phone ,,, we connected an old 'phone from an upstairs bedroom ,, temporarily you understand, just to check if maybe ,,,

Oops ! the crackle, the hiss, the lack of sound ,,, all gone as if by magic with the change of 'phone !!

We've now had a trouble free 'phone system for a week or more ,,,, not the slightest hiccup ,,

But then we'd expect a good line ,, after all, it's probably the most checked line in Scotland !

The wife has just bought a new set of Digital 'phones !!

Don't think I'll tell Charlie Dunstone though ?

Wait ,.,.,.., Addendum : PS : Call it what you like : But a wee while later the Saga continued !!

I came downstairs this morning and the new 'phone was sitting there all bright eyed and bushy tailed ,.,., waiting for me !

I decided to call Steve to arrange our golf game ,.., so I checked the new 'phone's 'phonebook ,., hit the button and there it was ,,, dialling away like a good-un ,,, excellent ,,, until ,,,,

" The number you are dialling has not been recognised ,, please hang up and try again later "

I tried for fully ten minutes ,,, I dialled it manually, I tried the 'phone book memory ,, I added the Glasgow 0141 ,,, you name it ,,, but alas NOTHING, the bloody thing refused to call anybody ! Arghhhhhh, here we bloody go again !

Naturally I assumed something in the set up and /or initialising had gone wrong or hadn't been done ,,, but my good lady assured me it had worked ok the previous night after setting up, before she came to bed ????

So ,, back to confront Dave ,,, Up to the Car Phone Warehouse I went ,, with 3-kids in tow too !

Good ole sympathetic Dave was ready for me !

"I knew you'd be here today" he said ,,, "sorry but we couldn't contact you , you're complaint #27 so far today ,, Talk Talk is having "an Outage" today so your 'phone will be out of commission for ,,, eh, they haven't told us how long yet !"

So there you have it ,.,., talk about coincidence ,, they decide to have "an outage" on the very day we change to new 'phones !!

Is it Sod's Law, Murphy's Law or just that good ole guy CharlieTalkTalk's Law ?

I know you'll want to hear ,, it all started working again at 5pm tonight !

And I don't want to hear another word about bloody Alexander Graham Bell for the next 20-years !

Hello, Hello ,,, is anybody there ?????

The Key !

Is it just me ,, or has anyone EVER seen anything on the Sky TV channel "Open Access" ?
Not only have I failed to catch even one word ( or picture ) on this channel ,, but worse ,, they seem to now have a 2nd. channel "Open Access 2" dedicated to ,,, eh ,, Nothing at all seemingly !
They do show a pretty constant picture of a KEY so maybe that's it ,,,
Could this be the famous Key of Life ?
C'mon, somebody tell me ,..,,.What am I missing ???

Dedicated to my friend, Big " T "

Big "T" ( no forenames or surnames lest the Polis read this ,,,, our past-but-one, Seniors Captain ! Oops ...) was pulled over just a few days ago by the Polis just along the road after leaving Cowglen ,,
He was overtaking a car turning left and hit the apparently illegal 38 MPH ,,, well it was in the 30 zone so I suppose ,,,,.,.,. ( they had the dreaded gun on him ! )
Oops he thought ,,, followed by ,,Oh sh** At this point he then remembered his pint of Guinness and two ( little ? ) whiskies, after his round of golf !!!
Oh sh** indeed ! But he also remembered he had a coffee and chocolate biscuit with his good lady wife before leaving the lounge !!
Maybe that nice chocolate would negate the effect of the alcohol ?? He hoped ! Ha :)
He convinced them in the back of their meat-wagon that No, of course he hadn’t been drinking that day ,, the smell on his breath must be from the biscuit or maybe the nightcap he had at bedtime last night ,,,
He was also on the ball, quick witted enough to remember, at such a stressful and worrying
time, a little tip he had gotten from a retired polis of our acquaintance ,,,
Viz : Take a big breath in via your nose but don’t inhale ,.,. then blow it quickly into the polis' wee bag ,,,,
Mmmmm, good to know these things ( if they work ? )
Blow me down ,, he thought ,,, it’s worked ,,, the breathalyser showed a quantity of alcohol in his blood stream right enough, but JUST below the handcuff level ,.,.,. Wheeeeew, ooooooooh ,,,
So he walked ,,, a free man ,,, out of the meat-wagon and back to his wife and his car ,,, a man who will now really enjoy the Glesca Patter below !!
( Hopefully also one who has learned a valuable little life lesson ? ) Don't get CAUGHT !!

The Glasgae Patter

The Glasgow, or more properly "Glesca" dialect is known to be extremely concise, as so much can be said in so few words.
Consider for example, this exchange between a car-driver, and the police officer who pulled him over. Interpretation is provided inside the brackets for those who need it.

Police officer: Yaw rite? (Are you feeling ill?)
Driver: Imawrite. (No. I'm feeling exceptionally well, thank you)
Yeshoor ? (Are you entirely certain of that fact?)
Aye. (Yes)
Zisyoors ? (Are you the registered owner of this vehicle?)
Zwitmine ? (Which vehicle are you referring to ? ) Ris caur (The automobile in which you are presently seated)
Sibrurn laws (Actually, it belongs to my sister's husband)
Wersheeren ? (Can you tell me where he can be located?)
'Raboozers. (He is a guest of the local hostelry.)
Yebeen garglin'. (Have you partaken of any alcoholic beverages, in the recent past?)
Jissa cupple. (I have consumed only one or two small cocktails, prior to dinner.)
Yur stoatin'. (It is my considered opinion that you are well under the influence of alcohol.)
Naw'mno' (I beg to differ.)
Ye urstoatin'. (I believe that my initial observation is correct, and that you are being deceitful.)
Umnoe. (I swear that I am being entirely truthful.)
Geezyer licence. (Would you be kind enough to allow me to inspect your drivers licence?)
Vno Goatwan. (I am not in possession of such a document.)
Geroot racaur. (Kindly remove yourself from the automobile.)
Whiffur? (By what legal right do you make this request?)
'Mapolis. (I am a member of the local constabulary.)
Geroot Ren. (Will you now please extricate yourself from your position behind the steering wheel?)
Awrite, 'mcomin' (I am proceeding to do so with all possible speed.)
Blawris up. (Are you familiar with the breathalyser test?)
'Mgonny Besik. (I believe that I am about to be violently ill.)
Noanme Yurno. (Please exercise a great deal of caution as to the direction your involuntary emission takes.)
'Mawrite Noo (Having ridden my digestive tract of an accumulation of nausea- inducing substances, I now feel better.)
Getna meatwagon. (please be kind enough to accept a short ride in the humble vehicle provided for my use by the local police.)
Wer Wigaun? (May I be so forward as to make an enquiry as to our ultimate destination?)
Ra Jile. (To my headquarters, where you will be incarcerated.)
Ohmigoad, rawife'll murder me. (Once again I call upon the Supreme Being to witness this unfortunate turn of events. Incidentally, I must also inform you that my spouse will take my life, illegally.)
Getna Wagon. (May I offer you my assistance in climbing into the back of my vehicle?)
Aw, Neveragain. Ratsit furme. (I have now learned a valuable lesson, and I hereby declare total abstinence from all alcoholic beverages hence forth.)

My Day Out, On the Hallowed Turf !

We were booked for an 11.07am tee off ,,,
Me and my rich benefactor were playing Turnberry's Ailsa Championship Course, again.
He said he'd pick me up in the Jag at 9am to let us get down there and have our very special Turnberry Bacon Roll and coffee before the game.
I stupidly decided, no George it's my turn to drive ,, I'll come over and get you at 9.
What a cock up that thought turned out to be !
I remembered in the morning, while having my early morning cuppa that I was quite low in petrol so I duly set out en route to the garage to fill up, in plenty time to be at George's for 9.
At the corner of Harvie Ave., no more than a few hundred yards from home, the traffic lights turned to red ,,, I pulled up behind maybe 3 or 4 cars and waited ,,, it's a long wait at that junction because the lights are favoured to the motorway on-ramp traffic ,,,, While waiting I noticed the passengers seat in the car was fully forward ,,, a small person had obviously been there last ? I leaned over and pulled the bar under the seat up and rammed the seat fully back ,, my pal George is a biggish guy and this would let him sit comfortably ,,
Ah, at last, the lights changed to green ,,, into 1st. foot on the gas ,, let out the clutch ,,, and away we ,,,, phut, phut, phut ,, the car simple died on me !
Whit, I thought ,, oh no, it can't be that low in petrol ,, I wouldn't have let it go that low ,, surely ,, I checked the gauge again ,, it WAS very low ,, but still just above the absolute bottom RED line ,,,, it can't be petrol ,, Wawawawawa ,,, nothing ,,, the engine sure as hell sounded dead ,,, Wawawawawa ,, nothing again ,,, like the proverbial bloody Do-Do ,, I left it a few minutes in case I had "flooded" it ,, by this time of course I'm causing mayhem ,,, I'm stuck in the middle of the single lane road, three car lengths back from the lights and it's work/school time, mega-busy ,,, I put on the Hazard lights and sit there stunned ,,, Wawawawwa ,,, my Alfa Romeo ,,, the Italian Stallion, is DEID ! No point to wasting any more battery power ,, the bugger is simply refusing to even acknowledge that I'm in a hurry ,, C'mon ya useless bastard I said ,, It's Turnberry today ,, not bloody Cowglen !! Move your arse or you're on the "For Sale" list !
I phoned George ,,," Slight cock-up on the travel front Reggie,"I told him ,,, "may just have run out of the ole jungle juice !! Can you maybe hop in the Jag and bring me down a gallon in a can ?" George duly arrives some 10-minutes later ,, Ah good, no panic, still plenty time to make Maybole for our tee time !
Glug, glug, glug ,, in goes the gas ,,,,, hands now wet and stinking of petrol but never mind that ,, let's get this show on the road ,, Wawawawawawawa ,,, ohhh shit ,, the bugger still refuses me !! Wawawawawa, wawawawawa, wawawawawa, You bastard ! ( If I'd had a tree branch handy I'd have done a Basil Fawlty right there on Harvie Ave.!! )
Then I think ,,, Mother had a "petrol situation" just like this a few years ago, and after I had WALKED from almost Eaglesham to EK and back to get a can of ,,, hers wouldn't start either ,, the AA man eventually telling us that modern cars need TWO gallons to get up and running again ,,,
"George" I asked ,, "could you ,, eh ,, another gallon please ... oh ta "
Off he went ,,, time is a marching here ,,, it's now about 9.30 am ,, but still time enough ,,,,???
He's back in 5 minutes ,,,, glug, glug, glug ,, it still seemed to be guzzling it down hungrily ! ,,, hands now absolutely honking of the stuff ,, ( George's can leaked a bit at the pouring end !! ) but at last it's all in ,,,
Right, Now we're on our way ? Wawawawawawa ,,, c'mon ya swine , Waawawawawawa, Wawawawa ,,, you shit car ,, you're definitely on the For Sale list ,,, tomorrow morning 1st. thing !
Deid, deid, deid ,, Arghhhhh. We phone Turnberry and CANCEL ,,, it's pishing it down here but we KNOW it would have been ok on the Hallowed Turf ,,, never rains in Maybole ,, every golfer's wife knows that !
George tells me, "Lock up the car and I'll drive you down to your garage man ,, see if he'll come up and get it going ?" Ok ,,,
Oh for Jesus' sake ,,, now the bloody doors won't lock either ?? What's up wi' this stupid car ??
I rush round locking them with the key and ,, naturally, for it's already THAT kind of day ,, I skid on the grass verge and go arse over tit in the rain and the mud ,,,
Now I have to get into George's Jag ,, the new one with the CREAM LEATHER Upholstery ,,, He is a real friend George ,, Had it been the other way round I'd have made him strip !!
I explain all to Ian, my tame garage mechanic, who raises his eyebrows when I get to the part of the alarm system and doors not working either ???
"No point in my coming Dougie" he says ,, "it would need the Alfa computer diagnostics thingy ,,, these new cars are all tied up in computer technology and we can't get into them without the correct gear ,,, Phone the AA" he says ,, "you must still have Manufacturer's warrenty on it ",,, Mmmmmm ... never thought of that ! Doh ,,,
We went home ,, and over coffee I phone the AA ,, Name ?, car reg.? address ? ,, granny's maiden name ? ,, you know ,, then ,, as I'm waiting to be told the warrenty expired last week ,, the girl tells me ,, "we'll have a Patrolman there inside the hour sir ,, he'll phone you 15-minutes before he gets to your location ! " Wow, now there's service ,,,
I remember at this point and look in my wallet for petrol money for George ,,, I give him my only fiver ,,, ( I have a £20 but nothing else ) ,, saying "I'll owe you a pound or two ,, I'll get the coffees at Turnberry next time ,, "ok says George telling me, jokingly, that his can held a fiver's worth EACH time he filled it ,,, "Oops ,, sorry pal, I'll owe you another £5 then "
Back to the car ,, the AA man goes thro' his routine ,,,
Wawawawa ,, as if it would start now for him ?? Ha, Then to save wasting my battery any further, he gets out his own BIG battery ,, WAWAWAWAWAWAWA ,,, ha again ,, deid as ,,,
"Right sir" he says "why don't you and your friend sit in the other car ,, you can't help here and you're just getting wet watching ! I'll get the Alfa Diagnostics plugged in ,,, "
So George gets the heater going in the Jag and we chat about our might have been golf round ,,,
The AA guy takes maybe 5 minutes and then comes over to me ,,, "that's it going again now sir ,,, "
"Oh well done ", says I "what was the problem ",,, ?
"Did you have any big, heavy passenger in the car this morning or anything happen to your passenger seat ?? "
"Eh ,, no ,, not that I can ,,,,, Ohhhh wait, ,,, I moved the seat back while sitting at the lights ,, and ,,, just before the car died ??? " Uh-oh ,,? Why ?
"You RAM it back hard ? "
"Eh, maybe ,, aye ,,, "
"Well what's happened SIR, is that the car thought you were in a collision at that point, and did what it's designed to do ,, IT CUT OFF THE FUEL PUMP ,,, to save you being killed by stopping any fire possibility !! And your alarm system then also went into action and UNLOCKED all the doors ,,, a fine car sir ,, and with quite a sophisticated system ,,, ( and quietly he says ,,,better than your friend's Jag in that respect sir ! ) "
Oh, thinks me ,,, well maybe the Italian Stallion is off the For Sale list ,,, for now !
"For future ref. sir ,, see this little Black Box under the passenger's seat ,, and that little button on top of it ,, well just reset that by pressing the button if it ever happens again ,, but I doubt you'll ever ram the seat back like that again will you sir ??"
"Thanks ",,, I go back to George's car to tell him all is well ,,, he gives me back the only change either of us has ,,, the Fiver ,,,, "for the AA guy for his help in the rain",,,
So it's been a bad day for me ,, missing my Turnberry golf outing ,, but an even worse one for George ,, Not to play has cost George a Tenner and a cleaning job on his leather upholstery !!
Last thought on the day ,,, Did fate by any chance keep us away from the M77 to Maybole that day for other, much more important reasons ???? I wonder ????
Nee-naw-nee-naw-nee-naw ,,,

Just a few wee anoyances from today's news !

Seems somebody at the BBC still has a sense of humour : Jack McConnel and Alex Salmond are to go head to head in a TV special ahead of the May Election ,,, And just when is this meeting of the Clowns to take place ,, Why April 1st of course !!

Oh here's a good one : It's been mooted that the Polis should pay for their own training ,,, AND also for their routine SKILLS testing ,, Like doing self certifying MOT's ?
Who comes up with this shite ? Oh I know ,, it's the Polis Recruiting Panel !!

Oh and 10-years down the line a JURY is finally gonna tell us how Diana and Dodi died !!
Eh, did I miss something ,, Wis it no' a car crash ??

And then there's her man ,,, Charlie ,,, He's about to be sued ,,, by McDonalds ! What a hoot ,, the bloody heir to the throne getting it in the ear from a burger joint ,,, Respect man !! Wicked !

Hahahaha ,,, 1 in 4 people in deprived areas are struck down ,,, with Depression ,,, and I thought it would be struck doon in the auld fashioned Glesca way ,, you know, wi' a Glesca kiss or a knife in the ribs !!! But hey, who can blame them ,,,,Well wid you no' be depressed living in some/any of Glesca's deprived areas.

Oh and here's "NEWS" for you ,, aye but only if you're a daft Politician wi' yer heid up yer ain arse?
The army of persistent young offenders has swelled by more than 6% ( again ) to a new record high. Well I'll be ,,,, I'm gobsmacked !!
Of course every NON Politician in the land knows why ,, It's simply because naebody skelps their arses when they're young. And once they're auld enough the Courts don't deal with them either.

I see too that wee Charlotte is banged up ,,, Made millions with the voice of an angel ,,, now "sings" like a demented rock chick on speed , gets pissed every day of the week and curses on live TV like a rugby player ,, Oh and that's no doubt how she got pregnant ,,, out on the town drinking and cursing it up with the boys from the Rugger club ? And what do you know ,,,we have another little foul mouthed Welsh singer on the way ,,, oh goody !
Her mother must be so proud of her little angel ??

Hey, more ground breaking stuff ,, Hearts, the Jam Tarts, have a new manager ,, sorry, Head Coach ,, that's only 7-now under the reign of the crazy Lithuanian.


We're to get a revealing new TV documentary starting this week ,, This is going to show us in graphic detail how our meat gets from the slaughterhouses onto our tables !! That'll be riviting viewing ,, at tea time no doubt !


And finally one straight from the Fun Book 2007 ,, Gold Edition ! No, I mean one of today's top broadsheet newspapers.
There seems to be a decline in trust in Politics in Britain today, forcing Politicians ( forcing them mind you ) into tailoring their messages with "defensive care" ( whatever the hell that is ! ) to what they feel the broad mainstream ( that's you and me btw ) can bear to hear !
And ,,, Hahahahaha ,,, they've even got that wrong ,,, 'cause I can't bear to hear anything the useless bastards have to say !

Old John has gone to the Big Golf Course in the Sky

Today was a sad/happy day !

Old John Kennedy, our 2nd. oldest member at 94 ! finally went to meet the old Golf Pro up there.

I guess, him being a believer, he'll now be playing off scatch on that beautifully manicured Augusta course in the sky ?

A real old "character", John played 9 or 10 -holes two or three times a week right up until 5 or 6-weeks ago when he suffered a stroke. He was treated at home for a week or two before going into hospital ,,, and was only there for 17-days before he got really tired and went for his last sleep.

Way to Go old pal ... Hope you find all you ever dreamed about ,,, well apart from a world conquering Rangers team ,, even Heaven can't achieve the impossible!!

You'll be missed.

Talking Euthanasia :)

I see even C & H talk about it !!
And hey, Heaven might be a fairly decent option after all ??
See attached :
http://postcards.ucomics.com/get/?MsgID=4a3b9a926aa9b03b57821db21bcaf1f8&site_ref=ucomics

The Euthanasia Debate

I quote this article verbatim with no apologies for you all to read and hopefully to vote for.
Sadly I didn't write it, but if you want to read a well written, thought provoking article then this woman does a different one EVERY DAY in the Herald .

Why euthanasia is the moral choice
MELANIE REID

Regular readers of The Herald will be aware that a couple of weeks ago we said goodbye to Fergus the famous police horse, Glasgow's wonderful old public servant, who lived with me in retirement.
We put him to sleep because he had reached the stage, with age and arthritis, where he was no longer able to get up after lying down. Horses weigh more than half a ton: a few days previously, it had taken five of us with ropes to get the distressed animal onto his feet. To avoid him suffering again, and to allow him to end his life with dignity, we decided to euthanise him before there was a repeat incident.
So I organised the final act of kindness: or, if we attempt vainly to avoid euphemisms, his death. A kindly vet sent him on his way: at home, peacefully, surrounded by friends, with the sun on his back and no pain in his bones. I was touched by the number of letters I received from people afterwards, and interestingly there was a shared sentiment in many of them: the hope that when our time comes, when we can't get up any more, someone will perform the same act of kindness for us humans. The words were written jokily, but they expressed a profundity.
I don't think we can underestimate just how many people feel this way regarding their own demise. A recent survey by the ethicist Professor Sheila McLean of Glasgow University, and others, for the National Centre for Social Research, suggests that more than 80% of people support some kind of code of voluntary euthanasia for the terminally ill.
It is as if we all know, deep down in our bones, that there will come a time when we will seek the final choice. And it's precisely at that point that the insanity of a society which devotes its energies to the prolongation of human life, at any cost, but refuses to allow for the calm, kind termination of it, under any circumstance, will be brought home to each and every one of us.
As Elizabeth Clery, one of the authors of the report, states: "The current law that prohibits assisted dying is at odds with public opinion - most people accept that a doctor should be allowed to end the life of someone who is terminally and painfully ill."
On perhaps the most crucial issue of all in an ageing society, the law has been left behind by changing societal values. That effectively means, in a democracy, that the moral argument has already been won.
I’d like to go as old Fergus did, when I’m a burden to my family
How can we spend a lifetime being preached the gospel of choice, absorbing a bewildering array of alternatives at every turn - cars; clothes; hospitals; schools; groceries; novels; films - and yet ultimately be denied the most important choice of all?
How come I can choose 20 ridiculous variations of latte, mocha or Americana, but not the right to say, thanks, but I've had enough.
Last week saw the death, in a Swiss suicide clinic, of the businesswoman Elisabeth Rivers-Bulkeley, who was suffering from cancer. This week we heard the harrowing story of Kelly Taylor, the 30-year-old woman who lives in constant pain from a congenital heart defect and a spinal disorder. Next week it will doubtless be someone else, some other brave, pitiful pioneer demonstrating against the law's out-dated, indefensible position.
Mrs Taylor is a crystal clear case for legal reform. She has been told she has a year to live but doctors are unable to control her pain, and you can see the suffering in her sweet, serene face. She asked her doctors to increase her morphine to the point where she would go into a coma-like sedation, at which point her living will, requesting she be neither fed nor hydrated artificially, would kick in.
Mrs Taylor's doctors, immune from prosecution only as long as they can show their intention was to ease pain rather than hasten death, have had to refuse her request, and she goes to the High Court in London next month. Her lawyers intend to cite Article 3 of the European Convention of Human Rights, which prohibits inhuman or degrading treatment, and Article 8, which guarantees the right to respect for private and family life. My heart hopes she is successful; my head knows she won't be.
Only last May the House of Lords, unduly influenced by church leaders, voted by 148 to 100 to block Lord Joffe's Assisted Dying for the Terminally Ill Bill, thus kicking the issue into the long grass. In Scotland, much the same thing has happened with the suicide bill from Jeremy Purvis, the LibDem MSP. The churches, whether they can accept it or not, are shoring up an arcane and undemocratic law.
I can't speak for anyone else, but I'd like to go as old Fergus did. At the point at which my legs give up, or I can't move or eat or wash, or I'm a chronic burden on my family, I'd like someone to help me die. There's nothing depressing about this. Quite the opposite. As Kelly Taylor puts it: "I'm a happy person. I've never been depressed. But my illness is now at the point where I don't want to deal with it any more." Animals, if they are well cared for, are much luckier than humans, because they are not allowed to linger.
I believe that the only immorality in euthanasia lies in the withholding of it. A person of uncertainties, I have never been more sure of anything than on this. I have lived a lot closer to the moral dilemma, and thought much more deeply about it, than a good deal of people, and I've come to the clear conclusion that there is much more morality inherent in ending a distressing life than in keeping it going.
My mother had vascular dementia. Mostly she was gone, but tiny bits of her brain still functioned, just as a few brave plants flower amongst the expanse of weeds in a neglected garden. She wandered in order to die; as she deteriorated, she told me her intentions. She didn't want to be a burden. Were we native Americans of old, we could have left the doors open so she could go somewhere and lie down for the last time. But we weren't. Convention decreed we had to lock the doors, and then, when we couldn't manage her any more, put her in a home.
There, driven by a visceral instinct, she escaped. Foiled all the alarm systems, sidestepped the pressure pad alerts. Immensely frail, deranged but not that deranged, she plotted her exit in the night, negotiated a dark warren of storage rooms, found an outside door and lay down to die, freed at last by the thick white frost of the garden. We, her family, were dumbfounded by her courage. She'd euthanised herself. She'd achieved her aim.
And so it was, when Fergus died, on that sunny morning two weeks ago, it occurred to me that my mother, had she not beaten the system so magnificently, might still be alive somewhere, face to the wall, force-fed, drugged, a shell of a human being in purgatory.
Immoral?,,, anyone?

Cloves of Garlic and Cows !

I heard on the radio this morning that if someone rubs Garlic on their feet you can smell it on their breath minutes later ! Now this may well be true ,,, but it's the age old question again ,, isn't it ?

How did they ever find this out in the first place ?? And ,, Why on earth were folk rubbing garlic on their feet anyway ??

It's like ,, how did the first person ever find out about getting milk from a cow ,,,

and just what did they think they were doing at the time anyway !!!

Mmmmmm ....

Oh there's the answer now ,,, garlic on the feet stopped marching soldier's feet from getting foot sores, etc ,,,, but again one has to ask ??? How on earth was this discovered ? :) I mean would you think to try something this weird ,, or am I just a boring old no fun fuddy-duddy.

Answers on a post card please !!

Spot the Flaw ?

Strange how the dummies in our society ALWAYS seem to be elected to office in our political system isn't it ? Cooncillors or Mp's ,, there's no difference ,,,

They firstly tried to get parents to stop driving their kids to school of a morning to lessen the congestion on our roads, especially around school areas ,,, so to encourage this they promptly whack up the charge on the school buses ,,,, yep they did ... DOH !

Now, today they have banned parents from the said buses unless they ( the parents ) have a £20 criminal background test done !!! Doh, Doh Doh ,,,, and we let these people look after our children and decide our laws ,, Jesus help us ! If they weren't so bloody stupid they'd be funny :)

And notice too how ANYONE else in the community can see how idiotic this all is.

A little thing from tosmorning's Paper ,.,.

Earning their stripes :

We have all heard the tales of apprentices being sent to the storeroom for tartan paint and so on, but reader Dave King tells us a variation where a techie teacher ( could it be that nice Mr. Brooks ? ) at an approved school would send a pupil to obtain a tin of striped paint from the stores. The more clever pupils would argue there was no such thing, so the teacher would march the boy there, where the storeman –( in on the gag of course )– would produce a previously prepared tin of paint which had been secretly divided down the middle with a tin plate so that it had black paint in one half and white in the other.The teacher would pick up a brush, dip it in the tin, paint a black and white stripe on the lad's arm and then tell him, eyeball to eyeball :

"Never doubt my word again sonny."

Oh, happy days !

Admit it Mr. B ,, it was you wasn’t it ???

Bah, Humbug, It's Over !

Well, at last it's come ,,, and it's gone again, thank God !
Yeah I'm talking Xmas of course ,..,. I know, I know, I'm just getting older and grumpyer !
In fact the BEST TV I watched over the whole period ( although to be honest I watched very little ) was the "Grumpy Old Men at Xmas " hour ,.,.,. As I said to my beloved better half ,,, (well she says she's better !)

"The only thing wrong with this programme is that I'm on the wrong side of the TV screen :)" The bitch agreed !! Hrumphhhh ,.,.,.,.