I've just experienced the Tesco Experience !

We, my lover wumin and me, went into Tesco today to buy some CHEESE !
A need for a wee selection of nice cheeses to nibble on prior to my next DIET was gnawing away at me .,,. I just had to have some ,,, I also thought ,, a few biscuits for cheese wouldn't go amiss.
Now a bit of cheese and a few biccies, you'd think, would hardly be beyond a pair of dottery old fools ? Well mibbies aye and mibbies naw ,..,
However, as always, we fell into the carefully set traps in this bloody Megasupermarketestablishment ,,
You know, you could actually spend your summer holidays in this place ,, it's such a bloody ENORMOUS EMPORIUM of Ultra Fine Goodies ...
Anyway we did comparatively well considering the temptations put in our way ,,,
We only added a few extra, really "necessary" items to our trolley !
A few quick meals, some bread, toiletries etc ,,, hellish little else really ,..,
There was the wine of course ,,, to go with the cheese :) ,, then we also needed some mixers ,, ( for the spirits, hic ! ) cokes, lemonades, tonics ,, that sort of thing ,, oh and our other National drink, Iron Bru ,.., Hey look, the Iron Bru people are giving away free glasses with every bottle ,.., we'll take a couple then !
We reach the check-out and find we have (again) racked up a wee bill of just £50.50p .,.,
Well there's a bit of luck says I, spying the "Spend £50 and get 5p a litre off your Petrol" offer that's back on !! As it happens I do need petrol ,, in fact I did say on the way in that I'd stop at the Filling Station on the way out .,., Very fortuitous then !
Not only that, for our bill we also get lots of Club Card points on our new Tesco Club Card !
We get back to the car .,,. me clutching my receipt to get my fillup at ONLY £1-09p less 5p per litre !! Herself has the detailed half of the receipt checking that we have received all the correct discounts .,,.,.
Whoa ! she shouts just as I'm about to drive off into the sunset .,.,., the buggers have charged us £1 each for the FREE Iron Bru tumblers !
So off she trots back to the Customer Service desk ,..,
"Oh dear" they tell her ,,"that offer is off now ,, please show us where you picked the glasses up" They wander off, the beloved and the customer service rep ...
"Oh jings, there's no notice telling you anything here" he tells the missus .,,. "this is a real mess ,.,.I'll need to talk to them about this "
"Here's your £2 back and for your bother ,, here's another two tumblers !"

Of course having this two pounds extra on our bill meant that our goodies were really only £48.50 .,,. a couple of quid SHORT of the necessary £50 to entitle the "cheap" petrol :)
I then filled up, with full rebate ,.,. only to be told by the garage attendant that my purchase also entitled me to a further 50 free points on my Tesco Club Card !
Don't you just love these people .,., Long Live the Tesco Experience !

You never get rid of them really, do you ?

Hi-Ho, hi-ho, it's off to work I go ,,,,

The daughter and her new man ( well, truth be told, he's not so new anymore ,, a bit older ,, a bit less hair already ,,, but certainly no wiser ,, how could he possibly get any wiser ?? The boy is the living incarnation of Auguste Rodin's "Thinker" except that he does it in Blog !!

The poor guy is used maybe .,., instant multiple father figure & new dad ,,, help-ma-boab ,,.,. he's just a bit crazy ?

No, in fact, on reflection ,, far from wiser ,,, he's nearer to stupider, obviously !!

Oh I digress ,,,

are putting in a new kitchen !!

And the work really starts ,,, eh, today !

I tried to hide but they found me .,,. so it's like a Walt Disney dwarf that I now toddle off for my (first ?) day's work in the hell-hole that is the kitchen to be !!

Stand-by for work-a-day updates !! :(

Day 1 : Well we made some progress, but slow ,,,, the lad is such an obvious academic ,,, works & thinks at a pace that'll keep this job running 'till Xmas if I don't knock him into shape !

So tomorrow, we start earlier, I take my whip along, throw out his woman and child, hide his Lap-Top and we WORK 'till he drops !

Day 2 : Went very well today ( if still a bit on the slow side :o) ) ,, My "apprentice" you see, does seem to like to admire his accompishments as he goes along ! However, as I told him today ,,,

I will never criticise him again ,.,. he did such a (brilliant) nerdy thing today .,., I have to go back down and take some photos of this stuff ! ,,, He performed cut outs on various base units for plumbing pipe work, electrics etc, today ,,, all measured up and actioned with his jig-saw while the units werre lying in the living room ,,, & upside down to boot ,, and they were ALL ,, only bloody perfect !! Wow ,,, ( me, I would have had the units in situ and marked off what chunks needed cutting out there, to be sure I hadn't marked the wrong side or confused top for bottom etc ,,, )

We seem to be finished now for the time being ! I'm on an extended break.

Mon - Frid appears not to be work days .,.,.,

Now, if only my old company had worked this kind of week ,, I might not have gotten so bored with the whole deal !!

More news come Sat. I guess ?

Friday all day I was at a friend's wedding ,.,.., so ,..,,. I started kinda late Sat .,,. Eh, about 3pm !

Sat. went pretty well just the same ,,,, we now have all the work tops cut to size and the sink cut out done and the sink fits !!

Sun we started at 9.30am .,., This of course was my punishment for turning up late Sat !!

Sun went very well too ,,, we have now built and fitted the wall units at the opposite end of the kitchen and built & fitted the large Pantry .., space is now cleared ready for delivery of the big cooker tomorrow ,,,

Very much broken the back of the job now .,,. still lots to do but all smaller, more manageable jobs ,, fitting doors, skirtings cornices, handles ,,, etc ,, after we build & fit the last couple of wall & floor cupboards ! Oh and we still have to fit and fix the work tops ,, and sink, taps, etc

Next weekend might / will ,,,, hopefully get it up & running ????

Then it's plumb in the water, gas ,,, and we're off & running ,,,

Then next we have to re work the whole of the old kitchen room and make it into a family sitting/TV room !!! That involves, plastering, boxing in redundant ( but feed ) pipework, gas piping ,,, painting, wallpapering ,, moving furniture & on & on & on ,,,

Think I need my bed now .,.,., Zzzzzzzz

I got there first !

Here's a wee cracker from this weekend's newpaper ....

My wife found it whilst reading the Sunday paper online ,, but alas she is NOT a Blogger.

My daughter & I are therefore racing to see who Blogs the story first !

Since I see no mention of it on her Blog site tosmorning I hereby claim outright victory !!

With apologies of course to the deceased's family, but even they saw the funny side of this silly tale ?

Bungling council sends bizarre letter to OAP (after she passes away ! )
Aug 17 2008 By Fariha Karim

BLUNDERING bureaucrats wrote to a pensioner to tell her she was off a housing waiting list ... because she was dead !
And incredibly, deceased Isa Thomson was invited to appeal against the decision.
Her devastated relatives were furious at the letter - sent just three weeks after she died of septicaemia.
Council service manager Jamie Pettigrew wrote:

"I write to advise you that your application for housing has been withdrawn from the housing waiting list. "The reason for this decision is : deceased.
"If you wish to appeal against this decision you should do so in writing to the service manager at the above address."
The letter was the fourth sent to Isa, of Coatbridge, by North Lanarkshire Council since they were told of the 70-year-old's death. It was opened by her sister Christine Smith, 65.
Christine, of Carmyle, Glasgow, said: "Getting these letters brought everything back again.
"I was trying to deal with so much as it is, like clearing out our family home where Isa had lived for 49 years.
"But when I got the last letter I just couldn't believe it.
"How can they expect her to appeal against it when they know she's dead ?
"It's stupid, asking a dead person if they want to appeal against a decision. Then I started to laugh. You've got to see the funny side of it."
Christine's son Gordon, 43, of Easterhouse, Glasgow, added: "Within days of my aunt's death, my mum went up to the council with a copy of the death certificate.
"Two days later the council sent a letter to my aunt but that was OK because they had only just been told.
"None-the less, we reminded them. Then followed a second letter addressed to my aunt. The council apologised but a few days later they sent a third one about unpaid rent.
"Once again, we reminded them but it made no difference.
"The fourth letter topped the lot. Writing to a dead person is stupid enough but then asking for a reply - I think it's disgraceful."
Pettigrew, who signed the letter personally, said yesterday: "This letter was automatically generated for our records after we received notice to cancel the application.
"It was wrongly sent out due to the high volume of letters produced that day and we have taken steps to make sure it does not happen again.
"We will contact the family to offer our full and sincere apologies for any upset caused."

Oh the joys of Bureaucracy :)

Updates on the the Orange Wall, Sony Ericsson, the Google Barrier & the War !

On the ORANGE front ,.,. Total SUCCESS !!

Mrs. Beloved now has her money back in the bank ,..,.,

and Schhhhh ,,, they seem to have left it on her 'phone as well !

I'm done complaining to these people, I'm just tired of the whole saga,

so we'll just have to live with this extra cash on the 'phone I guess !! :o)

On my Mobile 'Phone front .,.,,. Hahahaha, No SUCCESS at all !!

Well strictly speaking that's not altogether true .,,.,. I'VE managed to put Jim Murray in his place ! But it turned out to be a long and tortuous road which I had to navigate alone !

I tried again & again to make JIM see reason .,., but nope, he fancied Joycie & that was his last word on the affair !!

I made him FRED and in he went (correctly) immediately following Frank !

Ahh some success I thought ,.,. a mere glitch ,, I deleted Murray ,, in all his guises ( Jim, Fred ,, oh and Adam !! )

Next I went into the SIM card record ,,, there he was again ,, still intent on chasing wee Joycie's bum !! I dumped him outta there too .,,.

Now, I figured ,,, starting anew, with no Mr. Murray anywhere on record, he'll go stand in line where he should be ?

Bastard ! He's back chasing Joycie's tail again ,, What a little bugger he is ( literally ? )

So now I was ANGRY ,,,

I took the offending thing into the Mobile 'Phone shop, to "an expert" to look over !

This guy said he knew ALL about mobiles .,., He laughed when I told him mine had managed to misplace it's alphabet memory ! "Ha, Not possible sir", he assured me ,,, "Let me have a quick look at it and I'll sort it for you", he said, smugly !

It took him less than 5-minutes to conclude ,.,..,

"Ah, Oh, Eh, I've never seen that fault before ,, Can I interest you in a new 'phone .,,. sir "

Not so bloody smug now, are you, ya wee shit ?

Incidentally, I also decided to reverse the source of the problem whilst trying to solve this dilemma .,,. instead of saving my contacts by FIRST name, I punched the button to save them by SURNAME .,,.,. This function is also U/S on my 'phone !!.,,.??

Next I complained to Amanda that she had passed on yet another DUFF mobile in my direction !! Told her that she couldn't possibly have her new 'phone for another 18-months now,,

I'd have gone stark staring by then ! Amanda did suggest, in the nicest possible fashion, bless her, that maybe, just maybe, it could be the operator and not the 'phone that was duff ??

Now there's something I hadn't given a thought to !!

However, my son, the font of all knowledge, gadget, gidget and assorted electronic toys wise was equally baffled .,., "That's very odd", he said ,.,. I've never seen that fault before !"

Christ, if the Law ever gets too much for him he could get a job in "Fones 4 Us "

I went home ,, in something of a huff I have to say ,,, No bugger gives a toss about my faulty 'phone I concluded !

I'll fix the damned thing I told myself ! That'll show them !

So, after much trial & tribulation ,, Haha, I HAVE !!

For those of you who might find a similar glitch on your own (now cursed, all of you who laughed ,, and YOU know who you are ! ) mobiles someday ,,,,

You need to change JIMs to Jas, then enter all the details, then edit to James, and enter all the details again .,., James will go into his proper slot in the alphabet ,,,, Oh yes he will ! ,..,.,

Then next you need to EDIT the James' back to Jim .,,. and then save ,,,

Voila !! .,,.

He'll then get off your Joycie's tail !

The End !!

What ? you don't believe me ? Just try it ,,,

Any new Jims I enter (Oops !) still get after Joycie's arse ,, ( it must be the smell or something that attracts them ? ) and I have to go thro' the above procedure to fix them !

Now the Google Barrier .,.,., Still working on this one I'm afraid ,,, These swine won't answer ANY kind of communication whatsoever ,..,,. YET !

So, I've now complained to the BBC's WATCHDOG !!

Tune in sometime and watch Google getting taken to task ,,,, MIBBIE ?

Oh and lastly, my new font ?

It's Georgia, to show my solidarity stand with these good people against their Russian invaders ! So let that be a lesson to these Reds !!

What a Lotto Luck we have !

It's happened again !

Both the beloved & me have won the Lotto in the same week !

Again we had ALL six numbers ...

Again she had 4 of them and I had 3, one duplicated :)

Again we just missed the £1.7M jackpot ,,,,

She picked up a massive £22 and me ,,, the usual old Tenner !

Of course we half everything so my winnings just went up to £16 !!

One of these bloody days ?

I have a problem ... HELP !

So, there I was ,, entering some "new contacts" on my Sony Ericsson Mobile 'phone last night ,.,..,

OK, Not rocket science you might think ? Mmmmm ,, Well think again my friend !

I entered umpteen new "golf contacts" .,., no problems ,, all went in exactly where they should go ,,, alphabetically ,,, EXCEPT ONE !!

I entered one, Jim Murray ,, and no matter how I did it he ended up incorrectly alphabetisized / alphabeticalised ?( surely even in America that just can't be a word ! ) coming in AFTER all the Jims, Joes, Johns and finally showing up AFTER Joyce ???? Eh ? ,,, How come ?

I've tried deleting him ,, re entering him ( if you'll pardon the expression !) but to no avail ,,

he wants to follow Joycie no matter where I want him ,,

I switched the damn thing off, pulled the battery to reset any possible GLITCH ,,,

Bloody Jim Murray still wants to follow Joycie ?

I changed him to FRED Murray and he behaved impeccably ,.., he jumped in immediately after the Franks ! Good man !

I then edited him ,,, re christened him Jim and wallop ,, he's off again after Joycie !

What's happening ?

Can anyone help fix this problem before I go stark staring bonkers ?

For now, Mr. Murray must remain a NON person for I simply won't allow him anywhere near my cute wee pal Joycie !

A new idea for a Pixar movie ?

Good Morning Diary !
Nothing much on my mind tosmorning so I'll let you into a thought I had the other day ,..,,.
I was on the golf course, strangly enough ! :0) ...
I'm walking up the notorious Cowglen "Cardiac Hill" between the 4th. green & 5th. tee .,., a veritable painter's pallet of colour at this time of year, and just after heavy rain, it's beautiful. I'm just looking at the awesome summer growth of wild flowers, ferns, heathers, bushes, trees, when suddenly it strikes me !
I don't know why but Flick suddenly leapt to mind .,., you know, the wee Ant guy from the movie "A Bug's Life" was running around at my feet ,,.,.,., I started hearing all the different flowers talking to one other ,.., I immediately saw all the families .,.,.,
Those growing together on the same stem ,.., siblings obviously,, ( older brothers & sisters naturally at the top ) looking out and reporting back to the younger ones all the way down to the babies at the bottom ,,, mummies, daddies, aunties & uncles all around ,,, neighbours and strangers further away ,,,
Different species of flowers became foreigners who had moved in ! Nae Black Orchids that I could see ,, Aye ok, I know, I'm paranoid !!
Ants, birds, bumble bees, wasps, butterflies, bluebottles, flies, crickets, worms, all kinds of visitors ( even golfers stopping to pee !! ) coming & going ,,,
Then the craic started .,,. I actually heard all the different voices and the chatter going on was instantly fabulous ,,, and so funny ,.., the stuff flowers talk about .,., hahaha !!
I stopped ,,, pretended to need a pee just so's I could listen in a bit longer ,..,
I'm thinking of writing the screen play ? What d'you think ??? Could it sustain a movie audience for an hour or so ? I'm sure it could certainly become a classic Pixar Short !! I just know the graphics guys could work wonders into it.
My only worry for a Big Movie ,, ,, the setting ,.,. it could be a bit static ,.., I mean, flowers don't do a lot of running around ??
I even came up with the title right there on the spot !
It'll be called "Dougie Buchanan's Secret Life of Plants " .,.,,. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiZy-z5FWZ8 )
Shit ! ,,, it's already been done ,,, but hey, NOT the fun version !!
'Course I might need to give Stevie Wonder a wee mention !!
But then you knew that of course, with my reference to the Black Orchid, didn't you ? You didn't really think I was being racist now did you ???

My preference would be the head-sized oven !

I've said it before & no doubt will again ,,, but these bloody Soap Operas have much to answer for. I came in last night as the beloved was watching Eastenders !

It was bedlam in the corner of my living room !

Do the writers of this stuff really think we all live this way ; in constant argument, screaming at one another, cheating, scheming to hurt others, never ever smiling ??? This kind of rubbish, and other programmes of the same ilk, is, to a large extent, responsible for the current state of the youth culture in Britain today and should be taken off the air immediately.

If John Logie Baird could have seen into the future would he have continued with his TV invention I wonder ,,,

or would he have invented the head size oven instead perhaps ?

The Complete Business Manual 2008

This is obviously the new world way to run a business ,,,,
Christ, if only we'd had this procedure in place when I was working ,,,
What "gay" days we could have had ,.,.,. fun, fun, fun .,,. multi million pound ( or Dollar ) profits ,.., and no customer contact whatsoever. Absolutely brilliant in its concept .,., and so simple to achieve .,.,., why didn't we think of it ?
A total "customer free zone" was something we always dreamed of ,.,. but in my day we actually aimed for a totally satisfied and happy customer ,, with his every whim realised !
Ipsofacto, no problems to be resolved.

Today's businessman has changed things round a little ,.,. almost straight out the pages of the Party Political Handbook for Beginners, they now aim for total customer free zones with therefore absolutely no problems to deal with. If a customer should actually get through ,,, hang up on him ! Jesus how bloody clever is that ? It's Brilliant ,,

Take Orange for example : If I could contact the bastards I'd take them all right .,.,,. all the way to bloody Court !
Here's how they've got up my nose ! So far up in fact that they're coming out the top !
My wife decided to Top-Up her mobile ,.,. A simple task you might think ?
She decided to do it by dialling the 'phone's own Top-Up service.
I'd like to add £10 to my account she fingered into her 'phone's buttons ,,,
Oops, we have a "Communication Failure" Orange told her ,,, "please try again " So she did !!
Now at this point I would advise any would-be topper-upper to .... BEWARE !!
She tried again .,,.,.,. Wooops .,,. here we go again ,..,., Com-fail ,, please try again ! ( so courteous too ... )
And again ,, and again .,,. Then Ahhhhhh ,,,, all is finally well .,,.,. at attempt #5 the oh so pleasant ORANGE told her she had now successfully topped up her mobile by the required £10.
Ha, ye bloody think ??
An hour or two later she received a call from a proper customer orientated company ; our Visa card Bank, Egg ,,, "We're just checking Mrs. B ,,, there's been some very peculiar activity on your credit card ,, did you authorise 5 -payments of £10 to the same company earlier tonight ?" Mmmmm ,, turns out of course that ORANGE only had a Com Failure at their end ,, from ours they managed to take the tenner off the card each time !

Now mistakes happen of course ,,, it's not the end of the world really ,, so we call their 450 line ( at 25p a go !) to ask them to re-imburse our card to the tune of £40 .,.,., we call them once ,,, they say that even although our bank knows it, and our phone registers it, their call centre in India can only see £20 having been topped up !! Please give us 24-hours 'till our system catches up, and we'll call you back they say !!
And shit ! what dummies we've become ,, we believe them !
They didn't of course .,., so 48-hours later we call the sub continent again .,,. they still see only £20 ,,, but of course Mr. B ,, we WILL re-imburse your card ,,, can you just wait 1-minute and talk to my "SUPERWISER " ,,, yeah that's with a W .,.,., certainly wiser than me ,,, for there I was waiting ,,, one minute ,, then two ,, then 10 ,,, then 20 ,,, "Bastards !" I shout down the ,by now, red hot 'phone, but no one was listening ,,, they were OFF ,,, having their fun, fun, fun .,,.,. Customers, what customers ??
I even did it all over again ,, ( that's a 3rd. 25p ,,,, which I also now insist be re-imbursed ! ) and went through the whole saga with a 3rd. Indian ,,, I've heard about as many of them now as Custer did at the Little Big Horn !!
Needless to say my wife still has the errant £50 on her 'phone and NOTHING back in her bank !!
Now I refuse to go through this shit again so I decide there & then ,,, I'll give them an earful by email ,.., Ah, ye bloody think ? You just try finding an email ,, a Contact Us or any other method of reaching these buggers via the written word .,,. I'll make it easy for you .,.,,. YOU CAN'T !!

So there you now have it ,, The Complete Business Manual 2008 .,,.
Don't deal with customers ,, don't resolve their problems ,, and for Christ's sake don't let them ever find a way to contact you ,.,.
Pure Fuckin' Dead Brilliant ,.,. No ? I take my hat off to them .,.,,. I really do ,,,
However ,,, I WILL have them !! They have ORANGE SHOPS .,., and you better believe ,, you wouldn't want to work in one of them this week !!

Jesus H. Christ ,,, Now Google are at it too ,,,,
I have a complaint ,, a nuisance happening every few days with my iGoogle customised home page .,., I wanted to ask them why it keeps changing ,,, reverting back to some standard London based home page every couple of days ,, a page that I really don't want.
This requires me each time to have to re-sign in with username, password etc ,,
Like I said, a bloody nuisance but no more ,.,.,..,
'TILL NOW !!

Now I find that Google too operate their business using the aforementioned Complete Business Manual 2008 ,.,. There is simply NO WAY TO CONTACT THESE PEOPLE to ask a simple question ,.,.,. go on, try it for yourself ,,, it's impossible ,, and the lengths they go to, to avoid giving you an email / contact us, is quite mind boggling !!
What a world we now live in when you can't even vent your spleen when companies upset you !
It's enough to give us oldies a heart attack ,.,.,. in fact if I should get my blood pressure to a point in the near future when I do myself some damage I want my children to pursue a case of Manslaughter againt these bastards .,.,,.
However, I DON'T want my wife involved in this acion, lest she suffers the same fate !!
Anyway, I'll let you know when I finally crack the Google Barrier ,.,. and knock down the Orange Wall ,.., for believe me ,, I BLOODY WILL !!

( if it's the last thing I ever do ! ) )

A Disaster has occurred !

It seems, that at the ripe ( some might say over-ripe ) old age of eh, ahuh ,,, well let's just say old enough to be a 5-times grandpa .,,.,. Arghhhhhhhhh ,,, am I really ????
I have now, for the first time in my life ,,, EVER ,,, developed bloody Hay Fever, seemingly !!
How the hell has that come about I ask myself ??
My nose has been streaming all day today (again !) ; it did the same yestertime and all the while I was sneezing and feeling completely miserable ! ( I mean, even more miserable than normal ! )
I can barely keep my eyes open ,, they too are streaming constantly ,,
What is this dreadful ailment and more importantly what is the cure ?
I hear talk of an Anti Histamine but I didn't even know I had another auntie ...
If anyone can shed light on why I have suddenly become afflicted I'd appreciate their help ....
Answers on a Post Card please ,,,, and hopefully a fast one ,,, I need the CURE before tomorrow morning at 9.30am when I'm due to tee off !!
PS : Could it simply be the sun-tan cream ,.., It seems to melt in the heat and run into my eyes ,,? Maybe tomorrow I'll try sun block below the eyes only !!
HELP !!!!

Do you people know who I am !?

Heard a wee story the other day ,.,. in fact it was my son who told it to me, and he's a lawyer ,, an honest man ,, so it MUST be true ?
It was about Kirk Douglas' other ,, not so well known son ,.., Don't remember his name but not Michael .,.,,. Anyway this guy is ( or maybe was ? ) a stand-up comedien ,..,
Apparently one night doing a gig he was being heckled badly ,,, let's just say his audience weren't being kind to the boy ! He was, in fact, as the old time grease paint comics might say ,, dying on his feet ! Akin to a new act at the old Glasgow Empire !
He seemingly got so exasperated that he grabbed the mike out of it's stand and walking right up to the edge of the stage he shouted at them ,,,
"Do you people know who I am ?" ,.., Silence at last ..
"I am KIRK DOUGLAS' son" he told them .... the silence grew almost tangible until at last one guy got to his feet and shouted back ,,,
NO, I'm KIRK DOUGLAS' son ,,,, great laughter ensued all round the house ,,
Another audience member jumped up at the opposite side of the house ,,,
NO, I'm KIRK DOUGLAS' son ,,, then another, and another ,, until within 2-minutes the whole hall was in uproar with hundreds of guys on their feet claiming to be the great man's son ,,,
The young would-be stand-up comic simply walked off and never returned !
True ?? Who knows ,, but funny ,,,, It sure tickled my fancy ! How about yours ?

Preparing to go !

You have to ask yourself ,,, Is it really worth it ??
It's been all hassle here and in my son & daughter-in-law's house for the past few days ,,, and all we're doing is driving down the road a couple of hundred miles for a short holiday break !
First it was the booking ,,,, then it was the site ,,, CenterParcs ,.., is it any good, what do other people think of it ?,, checking out the online comments and listening to friends .,,.
"Oh, the place is wonderful ( for kids ! ) but don't eat in ANY of the on site restauants ,, take good hiking shoes ! ,.,.,. don't hire their bikes ( very poor condition ,, ) ,,, everything COSTS an arm & a leg !! ",.,.,.
Then the girls decided to buy a week's meals in the Supermarket ,,, here ! ,.., before we left ?
Are there no supermarkets in England I muse ?? Why are we carrying all this food ? & drink, of course ?? I mean ,, we're even taking our own Scottish limes & lemons for the Gin ( That's English Gin btw !! )
"Remember to pack swimming trunks to go in the fun pool with Gordy ,,, get some cash" ( again ... it seems England has slipped into 3rd. world status ,, now they have no bloody Banks ! ) "Watch you don't get Scottish bank notes ,, they might refuse to take them ,,,
Aye right ! They'll take them or they'll get bugger all !"
"Did you pack a book to read ? ,,, a weatherproof jacket ?,,, your shaver ,,, ? the camera ,, phone charger ,,, & on & on ,,, " I'm knackered & we haven't moved out the street yet !
Christ it's a weeeek ,,, I can grow a bloody beard if it all goes pear shaped & I forget a shaver ..
Hahaha ,,, Derek & Amanda bought me a new tee shirt for my holiday ,,,
It's a Mr. GRUMPY !!
Oops ,,, time to shut up and go enjoy !!!!

Women can be such Fusses !

She just got onto me again !
Telling me how bloody stupid I was !! ( Ha, as if I didn't know that already ....)
She brought some chocolate bars in from the fridge in the garage and confronted me with them ,,,
I used to eat the odd peanut choc bar ( Marathon ... before they became the truly awful Snicker ?) or a Mars during a round of golf ,, but more importantly I used to always keep a couple in my golf bag to ensure my old pal Jim Russell didn't suffer a hypo half way round the course ,,, Jim was diabetic & sometimes a lack of sugar would hit him like an errant golf ball .,,.
at these times he needed an urgent sugar fix ,,, and what better than a Marathon or Mars ?
Sadly Jim died ,,, over a year ago now.
So what was so wrong with me having a few chocy bars secreted away in the fridge you might wonder ,,?
Aye Ok, so I'm on a sometimes Atkins diet ,,, and I don't often take one out on the course with me anymore ,,
Although I did like the thought that they were there if I took a wee notion !
However she did have a point I suppose .,,.
The sell by date on them was passed ,,, a little on the wrong side of fresh ,,,
Eh, ok, I finally conceded ,, bin them then if you must my dear ,,,
But I really don't see what can go out of date on a bit of chocolate and some peanuts !!
Ok, so June 2004 wasn't exactly yesterday ,,, but ,,,

Wot a lot I've got !!

This morning ,,, or in Lotsie speak, tosmorning ,, or yestertime even ... I was browsing !

Not the net as some might, but all my own old files ,,,

My Documents, my Stationery, my Clipart, my photos ,,, my everydamnthing ,,

and have I got some really good STUFF ! ?

Ha, look at some of this ... it's brilliant ..

Sadly not all the animation is working here ,,,

Mr. Bean is really something to see !!

Anyway I have hundreds more of these almost forgotten stationeries so stand-by for more exciting emails !

I'm surrounded by them these days !

NERDS that is ,,,The son is a complete gadget & gizmo freak .,., buys every damn kind of new modern electronic ( or is even that word now old hat ? ) PC gadget to play games with ,.,.,. he even has a gyroscope ball thing to strengthen his arms ! ... a nerd of the first order !

The daughter left one ,,,, but found another ! ,, and an even worse case to boot ! And what has he done for her ??? Apart from making her laugh again ,,, bringing her sublime happiness ,,, ?

Why he's actually turning her into one too :(

This one speaks so many foreign languages it's obscene ,,, and wait for this ,,, he keeps a note of his American Express card Pin number written down in his wallet, in Georgian !! ... but in case anyone finding it or stealing it reads Georgian, he's encrypted it into Japanese !!!! Hahaha

He believes it might be just a tad unlikely for the average Glesca pick-pocket to speak both Georgian and Japanese !!

I have to listen to this shite on a daily basis ,,, and I'm trying hard not to seem like an uncontrolable giggling idiot for he's also a splendid chef and does a pretty mean BBQ !!

But how is he turning my daughter into a nerd too you ask ??

Well she called me tosmorning, thrilled skinny, because he had bought her ( and paid money for it ! ) wait for it ..... her very own WEB SITE !!

Eh ??? Is it me ??

I think mibbie it's getting near the time when I need to shuffle off this mortal coil :)

Only a Golfer would understand !

After you read my tale below, I don’t ever want to talk about this again !!
I’m so angry with myself this morning ,,,
It’s kept me awake half the bloody night !
In fact I’ve been very angry with myself since precisely 9-05am yesterday morning !
At 9-00am Wed. 2nd. July, whilst competing in the Cowglen Seniors Open I drove off at the 4th. hole.
Holes 1, 2 & 3 had been steady if not spectacular ,,, 5,5,5 ,,, an ok start. ( not quite like the day before of course, when I started my practice round with 4,4,4, ,,, and another 4 to follow that at this damned 4th hole ! ,,,, 4 straight pars ! )
My normal drive at the 4th. would generally take me up the hill, centrally on the fairway, with an easy 8 or 9 iron onto the green ,,,,
This being the Open of course, I sliced my ball and off it went, rolling all the way down the hill into the heavy rough close to the out-of-bounds wall ,,,
After a short hunt one of my playing partners located my ball ,,,, it was two feet into the rough in long grass ,, about knee high grass !,,,
A lift & drop, within two club lengths, out into the semi rough never entered my head .,., a single penalty stroke would have seen me in a position to certainly chip back out onto the fairway and thence onto the green in 4 .,,., all night long I’ve dreamt about doing it that way !! But instead I lashed at it ,,, I put it deeper into the same long grass a mere 2 feet from it’s original position !
Did I stop and think then ,,, DOH ,,, NO !!
I lashed at it again ,,, out it came this time ,, right behind the big bush ,,, 15-yards I’d moved it with these two errant strokes .,,. Did I learn anything this time ,,, ??
Eh, no ,,, The Dummy just HAD to go for the green, didn’t I ,, from this impossible position ,.,. naturally I didn’t make it ,,, instead I ended up behind the very big tree on the right side ,, just back from the burn ,,
Absolutely no way to get the ball up in the air from right under this tree’s overhanging branches ,,, so I manufactured a low punch & run ,, hoping to get the ball to bounce over said burn and onto the green in what would then be 5 ,, all wasn’t lost yet ,,,
Well I managed not to go into the burn ,, but stopped hopelessly short of the green on the steep slope ,, stupidly putted up ( rather than use my magic chipper ) ,, well short of the pin ,,, in fact barely on the green ,,, followed then by a very poor putt to some 6 – 7 feet away ,,, Did I sink this tiddler ,,,
Arghhhhhh ,, no, it took two more putts and it was all over ,,, the 4th. and my Open Championship !
I haven’t had a 9 at that hole in ten years ,, 4, or at times 5 ,,, on a really bad day I may have had a 6 ,,, but 9 ,,, Jesus ,, where did that come from ?
Obviously I’ve been bad in some previous life ??

After that I just relaxed and played my normal game ,, Reached the turn in 45 ( yeah, with that 9 still on my card & in my mind ! )
However I had a better inward 9 coming home in 38 with a magic TWO at the 12th. ( well I thought, at least I’ll make a few quid on that, for there were two to three hundred entrants, all putting a pound into the Two’s kitty.
Finished score a net 67 ,,, not bad considering ?
However I also had a really daft 5 at the par 3, 16th ,,, after landing my tee shot a mere 10-yards from the flag, just off the green on the left side.

An hour later I’m in the clubhouse and in the lead !! Whit ??
The first 10 or 12 games are in, and the only two sub 70 scores are my 67 and wee Joe Sawyers, another Cowglen senior, with a 68 !!
What’s going on, I ask myself ?? Another dozen cards are returned ,,, all 70 odds ,, 80’s even !
OK, so the course was set up as long as I’ve ever seen it ,,, all the yellow tees were set right back as far as they’d go ,,, virtually the medal course in fact ,, best suited to the big hitters ,,, a real trial for the higher handicap older guys ,, but c’mon ,,, surely a 67 isn’t going anywhere near the winning post ?? Is it ??

Well believe it or not ,,, 4 - 5 hours later & only the last two games were still out ,, at 17 & 18 respectively and yours truly is STILL the clubhouse leader ,,, ( and incidentally only two other two’s have been recorded !! Yo ! )
Then it happened ,,, Bugger me ! ( if you’ll all pardon my somewhat sexually explicit French ) ,,, the very last three ball came in ,, two 69’s and a bloody winning 64 ,,
Arghhhh shit ! ( sorry I mean Merdé )

So a bad day ended with a 2nd place overall cheque for £50 ,,, a First place in my age class 6- crystal glasses and a still to be declared share of the Two’s kitty !!
Hey, life’s not at all bad really is it ??
But in my nightmare that 9 is always reduced to a bad six and the daft 5 to four ,,,

& there I am ,, 63 ,,, The Winner & cleaning up the whole kitty ,, the lot !!
Ah well, next year I’ll take the penalty drop !!
Hahahahaha

Footnote : It just had to be didn't it ?

Out again the next day and what did I shoot at that 4th. ?

Yep, you guessed it ,,, only a bloody brilliant birdie 3 !!

They say suicide is painless, don't they ???

PS : Another wee tale !
It was a sunny morning ...
A little before 8:00 am ...
On the first hole of a busy course ...
And I was beginning my pre-shot routine ...
visualizing my upcoming shot
When a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loud speaker ...
'Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please !'

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me.
I was still deep in my routine ...
Seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement .
'Would the man on the woman's tee kindly back up to the men's tee.'

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating ...
When once more ...
the man yelled ...
'Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee ...
Please ! '

I finally stopped ...
Turned, cupped my hands and shouted back
'Would the ass hole with the microphone
Please be quiet
and let me play my second shot.'

Thank-you !!

Whit ! Ye cannae Molicate onybody any mair ?

I had quite a wee turn this week ,,
There I was with both my wee Collins Scots Gem AND my new Concise Scots Dictionary but neither one could confirm the spelling of Molicate ,,, or is it Mollicate ?
Never in my wildest dreams did I consider I was using a Non-Word !
I checked again ,,, maybe I'd missed it ? ,,, maybe there was a page missing from my new dictionary ? Alas No ,,, the word simply doesn't exist !
What a load of old rubbish ,, of course it exists !
What a sad omission however ,,, I'll need to talk to the daughter ,, she can and does introduce new words into Collins dictionaries from time to time as the language evolves !!
But hey ! ,, I've been using Molicate / Mollicate ever since I was a lad so that makes it ,, ehmmm, not very new !
I did receive the usual "help" from Bill Gates' microsoft Spell check however .,,.
Bill threw in some great Red-Herring suggestions ,, worthy of a mention !
Could it be ,,,, he asks me, in the case of MOLICATE ,,,, Medicate, militate, motivate, implicate or foliate ???
Or if MOLLICATE ,,, I could try ,,, Emolliate, collocate or collimate as well as the above militate and motivate ????
My friend & former head English teacher, one William Dickie Esq. reflected on my molication ( of the opposition btw in a recent golf tournament ) and offered the following observations on possible etymologies:

MOLIFICARE (proto Latin) - to extirpate, demoralise, render into minute particles etc. Compression over time and elision.
MOLOCH -(cognate generalisation) - Semitic god to whom parents sacrificed their offspring and by extension v.t. (verb transitive) to destroy completely
MOLICATE- almost certainly the genuine article - a wee punter from Partick expostulating as he leaves the Locarno (probably circa early '50's) after his lumber has been appropriated by another male.

So there you go ,,, it definitely exists ,,, 'cause ah kin remember leaving the Locarno masel.

And if the daughter fails to get my word into her future dictionaries I may revert to using Willie's rather appropriate Moloch !!

Oh and of course you'll all know by now that this was simply another of my Mulligrumphs ,,
n, a complaint, lamentation,; freq in pl, a state of dissatisfaction, a fit of sulks 19, now Ork EC
vi, complain, grumble la 19
So there !

Footnote : Just learned the correct spelling is MOLOCATE ! although also acceptable are ,,,
molecate, mollicate, mollocate, malacate. ,,,, To beat up, batter.

Bloody Dentists ,, Bloody Teeth ,, Bloody Useless !

So I paid the wee bastard his £200 odd quid ,.,.

A week later I had the shiny new Plate complete with its 5- miserable little teeth ,,,

Oh it's a much better fit than that old thing you had, he says ,, it'll be much stronger too ,, modern materials are so much better ,,, Blah, bloody blah ,, blah blah ,,

Ha !

It's another week on and guess where the bloody plate is ?

Yeah, back in his miserable little Dental Practice for repair ,,, Broke biting on a ,,,, lump of bloody cheddar cheese no less ! Real bloody strong this new material !!

Glad I kept the Old Thing as a spare !

You've got such an unusually high palate he tells me .,., bone right along the centre ,,, very difficult, that tooth on the bite .,., blah, de bloody blah , blah blah ,,,

So I've told him ,,, get it fixed PDQ ,, get it strenghened ,,, and beware these words ,,,

Unfit for Purpose ! ,.,. Much like the bloody practicioner in this place I told him .,.,,

And watch out for my lawyer's letter !

He's only gone & done it again !

Yabadabadooooo ....
Another Seniors Trophy to the old man ....
Hey-hey, I've still got it ,,, ( and I can still use it ! oooh misses !! )

Scudder the golfer can still produce the goods :)

Yesterday I won the Seniors Committee Outing Day Trophy .,., a little competition we play for annually ,,, eligible to play are the current Committee members ( all 10 of us ) plus all past committee members & Captains, so there must have been ,,, oh, twelve of us !!

Anyway I was obviously inspired by watching Tiger get though the 4-days at Torry Pines in the US Open, to a play-off against the old timer, Rocco Mediate !

Or was it maybe getting my first haircut for some months ?

I wasn't sure if he'd gone on to win as he was playing same time as me ,,,

And I guess he wasn't sure if I'd won either ?

Anyway we both did the business in the end ....

I watched the highlights of his game later and I swear, .. the boy's putting is becoming almost as good as mine !!

But hey, he could still learn a thing or two about straight driving from yours truly :)

You need hands ! or ( Half the hands, half the fun ? )

Just watched a guy on "Millionaire" tonight ,, a repeat showing of one of the earlier shows from late 2000. Asked by Tarrent about his occupations over the years ,,, he said he was once ,..,

wait for this ,,, a "wringer outer for a one armed window washer",, Isn't that a cracker ?

Christ, but some folk do have fun in their working lives ! That's got to be the best description of a job I've ever heard !

The poor bugger got to £64,000 and had a go at the £125,000 question ,, seemed quite sure of his answer too ... but sadly he was WRONG ! Ouch ... !!

Still, for a wringer outer for a one armed window washer, I guess £32 grand is a useful wee lift ?

Btw, what would EVER make you take up a job as a window washer if you only had one arm ?

Apart from the wringin' oot ,,, what does he use to hold on to the ladder ???