It's B & Q 's New Folly ,, oops I mean Policy !

Went down to the giant DIY store the other day ,,,
I'd been told my request would be thrown out, but hey, if you don't ask, you don't get ,, right ?
As regular readers of this blog will know, there's a new carpet in the old bedroom !
Much more plush, carpets these days ,, or if you will,, THICK !
Ipsofacto, the door won't close ,,, needs a smidgen off the bottom edge ,, literally 1-cm !
I spotted 3 ,, yeah three, "B & Q "workers" sitting round a table close to the band saw which would do the job in less than 10-seconds ( and do it straight & true ! ) ( two more were "jawing", about last night's footie game,  they were hard at it, & didn't even see me hovering around, so I decided not to interrupt ! )
I asked the threesome  ( very pleasantly ) if this was a private card school or could anyone join in !
They took it in good spirit and listened while I explained about my carpet/ door/ cut required.
Ooh sorry they said ( almost like they meant it ) but we're not allowed to cut doors any more !
Seems it's a "Health & Safety" ( ?? )  issue and even worse,, some customers on having the work done complain that we've cut it wrong and sue us for replacement new doors !
OK says I ,, I'll give you a carte -blanche written disclaimer ,, I know you won't cock it up. 
Thanks sir but afraid it's still a No-no ,,, we'd get sacked if "they" caught us !
Ok I say again ,, the doors are very old so how about I just buy a few new doors from you and then you can cut them to the correct height ?
Nope, they chorused, we can't even cut our own doors any more !! 
I had wondered when I arrived why there was so many "workers" in this dept. and no customers .,.,
I don't any more !!!  It's the new B & Q policy for selling ZERO doors.

Ode to Tiffany...or, Tiff thing, I think you move me !

My regular readers will be aware that the beloved & I recently bought a new light for the re-decorated bedroom.
In actual fact I found & bought this hanging thing of beauty.
We pushed the boat out a little and bought what I thought at the time was a rather "nice", if expensive Tiffany lamp...
It's colours blended well with the new wallpaper, carpet, curtains etc, & so the bullet was bitten & the deed was done !
Having now moved back into our bedroom I see just how good the Tiff looks.
Each morning as the sun comes up I awaken to a glorious display of glass & colour.
In fact I awaken to it twice !  Yeah, she's on the ceiling & in the wardrobe door mirror !
She is brilliant ,,, Fan-bloody-tastic & worth every penny !
Tiff thing.... You make my heart sing,
                    You make everything ,,,
                    Groovy !

Tiff thing.... I think I love you !

Humble apologies to Big Reg & the Troggs !!

An ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER as received by the Issuing Authority !

This letter is a thing of great beauty (even if the language is a bit choice) ... You can definitely feel the guy's pain !  Dear Sirs,    I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.     For Christ sake, do you guys do this by hand ? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 50 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last half dozen damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed to step off the plane over the last 40 years, and all those insufferable, & useless census forms.    Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Phyllis, my father's name is Bill and I'd be abso-f*cking-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I, like both of them die!!!!!!        I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this utter bullshit ! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f*cking address !!!!    What is going on ? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there ? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for sh*t sake. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere warm.  And would someone please, please tell me, why would you give a sh*t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days ? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last f*cking people I'd tell !    Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day ?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make some sense. You'd rather have us running all over the f*ckin' place like chickens with our  heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic f*ckin' morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile even if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off ! Aye Wi' YOU !    Signed     An Irate Citizen.       P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since the year DOT !  Way back in the 15 / 1600's ... we have all lived, worked & paid taxes here since then ......... However, I have to get someone 'IMPORTANT' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ... aye him WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F*CKING   PAKISTAN  and came here 5-years ago !  ( Has anybody at the department checked his passoport yet ?? )   Sincerely,

 

East Ren Cooncil ,,, at it yet again !

So I had an old TV to get rid of ,,,
Naturally I called the EAST REN COONCIL ,, who always arrive the Frid. after the call & take away my Bigger Rubbish ! ( for I'm an OAP and get this service for FREE !!  .,.,., Eh, Did I say GET this service for FREE .,., read on ! )
Naturally I called them.  " Sure, no problem Sir, is that all you have to be picked up this time ?," the pleasant young man asked.
"Yep, that's all for now" says I.  
"Right then, that'll be £20 then Sir" he tells me ,,, 
"Eh, naw son, you've got that wrong ,, I'm one of East Ren's Senior Citizens ,, one of the over 60 brigade, so No Charge ,, as usual !  OK ?"
"Eh, sorry, no Sir, there's now a charge .,., for EVERYBODY wanting any uplift !"
"You what ??" I said, rather taken aback !
"You have to joking son ??  How is an Old guy my age with my medical condition supposed to humph a big telly up to the dump, pray ? "
"Don't know Sir, ,, but no payment, no uplift I'm afraid !!" 
Mmmm, a bit less than pleasant suddenly sonny eh ?
Well tell you what kid, Believe me, you'll be taking it to the dump ,,, even I have to smash it into small enough bits to fit in YOUR Bins ! Now you can cancel my request for uplift and shove it !! 
That's now the 2nd. item ERC have hiked a ridiculous price onto that OTHER COONCILS HAVEN'T !!  Take the disabled driver's Blue Parking Concession Badge for example !
Glasgow issues this badge to worthy recipients FREE .,., ,ERC ,,, same badge, same rules about obtaining one ,, CHARGE ?? £20 ( aye, and another £20 each time it's renewed !! )
I refrain from questioning their parentage but that's what I think of them all the same ,,
Long may they rot in Hell Fire !

So, what to do my Lord Dionysius II ?

                        
People in my situation are often ovecome with not knowing what to do with their remaining time ,, be it weeks, months, years ? We will all die at some time ,, of that there's no doubt, or escape, but there is something quite different when the medics spell out YOUR personal demise and give you a sort of definitive ( and always short ) timescale !
Should I be "putting my affairs in order" ? whatever the hell that means ?  Should I be savouring every minute / hour / day and using them to the limit ?  Finishing off my "work in progress" books ?  Writing letters to leave to all my dear friends ? 
Or maybe just carry on day to day ignoring the fact that the next one might well be my last ?
I honestly don't know what I should be doing !
I'm not sure I should be simply sitting whiling away the days playing golf, reading, writing, photographing, watching Tv etc ,,, but hey, why the hell not ,, It's what I would be doing if I didn't have the sword of Damocles hanging over me .,.,

{ The story :  The Damocles of the anecdote was an obsequious courtier in the court of Dionysius II of Syracuse, a fourth century BC tyrant of Syracuse, Italy. Pandering to his king, Damocles exclaimed that, as a great man of power and authority surrounded by magnificence, Dionysius was truly extremely fortunate. Dionysius then offered to switch places with Damocles, so that Damocles could taste that very fortune first hand. Damocles quickly and eagerly accepted the King's proposal. Damocles sat down in the king's throne surrounded by every luxury, but Dionysius arranged that a huge sword should hang above the throne, held at the pommel only by a single hair of a horse's tail. Damocles finally begged the tyrant that he be allowed to depart, because he no longer wanted to be so fortunate.^[2][5]
Dionysius had successfully conveyed a sense of the constant fear in which the great man lives. Cicero uses this story as the last in a series of contrasting examples for reaching the conclusion he had been moving towards in this fifth Disputation, in which the theme is that virtue is sufficient for living a happy life.^[6]
Cicero asks: Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?^[7]

I have no fear looming .,.,  I'm a happy man .,, No, really I am ,, I have the wife & family to die for ( excuse the pun ! ) so why change my ways at this late date ?
As far as I'm aware my "affairs" are pretty well in order ?
My books will or will not be concluded .,., I've written enough to let future generations of Buchanans, Gautiers & Widmanns know who I am and that's all I wanted to do in the first place when I first set pen to paper.
I couldn't, even if I wanted ,, rush off book chapters like there's no tomorrow ,, they come to me as they will ,, and I get them down on paper when the mood takes me ,,, but "To Order " .,., eh, No !
Anyway, if anyone can suggest other "things" to do ,,, which "affairs" to put in order ,, how to conduct my final symphony please feel free to comment .,.,
And ,, Thanks for listening .,.,
Ta-ra

The Saga of the Anti Twist Plate & Mr. Allen !

You know how these things pan out ?
First we needed to wallpaper the bedroom ,,, our bedroom ,, it hasn't been done for a wee while.
So we bought the paper .,., and it lay in the cupboard for Oh ,, about 6-months ?
Then we used it to re paper our grandson's bedroom ! ( different room ,, different hoose ! )
We then bought new paper for our room & it went into the cupboard for .,., Mmmm, maybe another 6-months ?
We've had a couple of other wee traumas to deal with during this past year which kinda put the wallpapering project on the back burner  !
Anyway our health & strength has been on the wane some during this time to the point where I finally decided to let our next door neighbour ( a fine painter & decorator to trade ) do the work for me.
He made a lovely job of it and in just two days we were ready to put the room back together again and move back in !!
Silly me ! Did I really believe that ?  No, no, no, first we needed a new bed to compliment the new decor .,., but even before that of course, the carpet was well overdue replacing wasn't it ,,, and since the bed's out there in the spare room meantime, what better time ??
So the carpet was chosen & the fitters came & down it went ,, half an hour later we needed to assemble the bed !!  Oh have I mentioned yet the new curtains, light shade, reading lights over the bed, wall mount Tv, etc, etc ,,, ??  Ahhh all in due course then !
Next was the overhead light ,,, a splendid new ( & expensive !! ) Tiffany lamp from Lite Craft ,,, you know, Lite Craft, the ( phenomenally expensive ) Lighting Experts !!  Well we bought it, as I said, a splendid affair, big, heavy ( aye really heavy ,, ) and all pretty colours. We took it home ( carefully cosseted on the back seat of the car ,, watch that bump ! ) and the amateur electrician decided to put it up ,, well what safer place to keep it ?
"What a bloody weight" the amateur was heard to say ,, "this'll bring the ceiling doon !"
Not to be deterred the missus wuman insisted .,., "Ah like it ,,, it's goin' up ,, !" 
Then we noticed ,, aye both of us ,, there was no way to attach this heavy weight to the ceiling ?? Absolutely no possible connection betwixt our existing ceiling rose and this new monster lamp ?
We called on friends to check we weren't simply acting out dumb & dumber roles ??  but alas everyone agreed ,, it had no means of being hung !!
"Shit !" the amateur muttered ,, get all the bubble wrap, poly bags etc, back out of the bin .,., we're off back to see the Experts ..., and so we did ,, again very carefully watching every bump in the road .
The young lady I approached told me, calm as you like ,, cool as a bleedin' cucumber in fact & without even as much as a mild blush !.,., "Oh you need an anti twist plate !"  "A whit ?" says I .,., "An anti twist plate ,, that gives you the hook to hang it onto that earth bracket inside the brass housing ,, See ? ,,"
"So where is it ?" I ask ,,
"Oh we don't supply it !!!" she tells me ,,  "It's only a wee cheap thing though ,, you'll get one in B & Q for about 70p .,., "  By this time steam is rushing from my ears at 100psi with no safety relief valve fitted in the heid !! ,,,
"I'll what ??  Drive to B & Q .,., Aye so ah will hen ! " WHY don't you supply the bloody thing if it's that necessary & that cheap ??  D'you know how much this lamp cost me ?  the one I've now trailed back & forth THREE times now ?
I want to see the Manager !  NOW !! 
Off she went ,, the manager ( a boy of about 12 summers ) arrived back clutching a little bit of metal in his already sweaty mitt .,
"Mr. B" he gushes, "I've managed to find a spare anti twist plate for you ,,! " " Look, this is how it works ..."
" Aye right "says me ,, "but it should be included in the lamp package ,, not need every customer to find out the hard way & have to make a return  journey .,., You'll be hearing from my lawyer in due course sonny, regarding compensation for stress & strain, petrol money and a general stupidity ex-gracia payment !"
And so I left .... failing that I may have been up on an assault charge on a minor !!
The carpet now fitted, the lamp now fitted, it was time to assmble the new bed !
Och, should I bother ?,,,  it must be me ! ,, surely the world isn't being dumbed down deliberately ,, all the time ?
Anyway, the bed comes with a single assembly instruction sheet ,, a we'an could follow the steps ,, in fact my two grandwe'ans did ,, they did most of the assembly ,,, however, and here's the rub !
The screws, and the tool they supply are of the Allen type ,,
{A hex key, Allen key, or Allen wrench (also known by various other synonyms .,., ( I'll just bet it is !! ) is a tool of hexagonal cross-section used to drive bolts and screws that have a hexagonal socket in the head (internal-wrenching hexagon drive) } 
Oh and did I mention ,, the most TOTALLY USELESS tool ever invented !
Mr. Allen never did think to add a bloody handle to allow his tool to be easily turned ,, and if ever a bed was made with absolutely no access for such a tool this was that bed ! I could get a quarter turn ( at best ) on any of these damned screws ,, which turned a 5-minute job with a screwdriver into a 3 hour job ! ( and lots of sweat on the new carpet ! )
If I could have got my hands on said Mr. Bloody Allen he'd have had screws where the monkey hid his nuts ,, aye & his nuts would be there too !

Ladiers & Gentlemen ,,, The Grumpy old man has now left the building !!

To all the nocturnal girls !

We have a friend, the beloved's old school pal no less, so we've had her a while !!
The wee soul is one of those women who, in their later years become obsessed with ,, well, stuff & things !
She can spend a day for instance, checking the tins & bottles on the Supermarket shelves for any ingredients that are "bad for her !!"  Her healthy diet is severe ,, no red meat, in fact no meat, no this , no that, in fact it's easier to describe her do's rather than her don'ts .,.,, she eats fish & chicken ,,, that's about it !
She won't use a mobile 'phone cause it might affect her brain ; ditto she won't use a freezer ; food is not meant to be cold for months on end ; she shops a lot !
This woman would never dream of using make-up, & certainly never ever consider the possibility of artificial "substances"( and here I'm not talking Grade A drugs or anything ... I'm thinking maybe Botox ! ,, the safe & legal drug of the "Beautiful People" )
The reason I'm thinking Botox is two fold ,,,
1) her lifelong heart-throb "singer" ( the Peter Pan of pop ! ) uses it  &  he can do no wrong !!
2) a recent news article was touting it as a cure for a medical complaint from which she suffers.
The poor woman has umpty-tumpty nocturnal journeys twixt bedroom & loo room of a night ,,
She has, you see, what has now been diagnosed as Loose Bladder syndrome .,., with no real signs of a cure on the horizon.
But now ,,, hang on ,,, wait a minute Missus !
Botox will not only cure your nocturnal walks but, dare I say it, perhaps as a beneficial off spin, give you a wrinkle-free fanny too !!

Pretty Fannies of the world unite ,,, kinda describes her 60's Heart-throb singer pretty well too don't you think ?!

Dumb & Dumber !

It saddens me ,, it really does , the state this country has got itself into.
What used to be a bright, innovative people have let themselves be dragged down to a level of education that borders on the pre neanderthal.
Who's to blame ? Us ourselves, our teachers, Government, WHO ??
I don't know but I do know that the kids leaving school in my day were a damn sight better equipped to speak, read, write and count than they are now !
Now that can't be right ,, how can a system that was working fine ( aye & with 40-kids to a class ) have been allowed to be changed into a downward spiral churning out virtual dummies ?
Oh I know we have better exam results :), we have no failures anymore :( , aye but we have teachers slashing their wrists too ,,, don't remember that back in the 50's ??
Anyway it's a long debate this and one I'll come back to, but what set me off yesterday was such a simple little annoying character I met in a bed shop .,., fresh out of school I'll wager ! In fact there were two of them ,, and employed in separate BED SHOPS !!
The beloved & I were looking for a new bed to go with our about to be re-decorated bedroom, so in we went to the BED SHOPS !
This 1st. shop was truly what it said on the tin ... a BED shop ,, sold nothing but BEDS  ,,
I'm wandering around minding my own business looking at the various designs when up he comes ,, big smile for the customer .,., So he says, is it a bed you're looking for ?
I turned to the beloved with that look she knows so well on my face ,,
Naw, I said to the neanderthal, I'm looking to buy a new car !
With that I walked straight out the door ,,, I simply refuse to deal with fools and I won't encourage them by buying anything from them !
The 2nd, BED shop was also a beds only kinda establishment !
I found the bed I liked .,.,  nice rich leather head and foot boards.
The display model was in a dark brown, verging on black leather.
What other colour options can I have on the leather I asked the fresh faced salesman #2
Now this was not a cheap & nasty wee bed ,, this was an approx. £400 quid bed ( sans mattress ! ) so naturally if I'm the customer & willing to pay the piper ,, then I also get to call the bloody tune ?
Eh, that's it he says ,, it comes ONLY in the dark brown !!"
Eh, naw it disnae son ,, if I want it in a light green leather that's what I get ,, you see I'm the customer ,, the guy with the money. If I go into a 3-piece suite shop to buy a leather suite I can choose from every colour in the spectrum so what's different about a wee bit leather ony our bed ?
I could maybe get you it in an off white he responds ,,
I give the beloved the look !
And we're out of there and in the car before neanderthal #2 has time to smile his dumb smile one more time.
And I'll bet you he still doesn't know what went wrong  ?

Eulogy for a dear WeeThing ( Part II )

It's been a wee while now since my dear wee cous died
( Frid. 28th. Jan. to be exact )

Naturally I still miss her terribly ,,, No wee Helloo's jumping onto my screen of an evening ,,,

No tales of the family down-under ,,,
Little contact at all now with the bum of the planet, truth be told ,,,

Yesterday however I spoke to her big brother ,, my older cousin in Christ-Church.

We blethered on a bit about weeAnne, how she was so missed by all her NZ family .,.,
and the devastaion following the Eartquakes etc ,, just general chit-chat.

Then all of a sudden Adam ( the Cous ) let this one out of the bag !

Seems the crazy wee bitch was on yon "slip-it-under-the-tongue" Nitroglycerin medication for her heart .,.,

No, not the explosive stuff ,,,, !

Nitroglycerin is also used medically as a vasodilator to treat heart conditions, such as angina and chronic heart failure. It is one of the oldest and most useful drugs for treating heart disease by shortening or even preventing attacks of angina pectoris. Nitroglycerin comes in forms of tablets, sprays or patches.^[1] Nitroglycerin can be used to help destroy prostate cancer.^[2]
A common form of medical nitroglycerin is a small white tablet that patients slip under the tongue. Another form is nitroglycerin sprays that are a convenient alternative for someone awakened by angina attacks at night. These two forms are not for routine use, only to be used at the onset of chest pain. A patch is another form of nitroglycerin. The medication contained in the patch is slowly released and absorbed through the skin and into the bloodstream, however it will not relieve an attack that has already started.^[20]
Since 1879, nitroglycerin pills have been a standard treatment for angina and heart attacks, but it wasn't until the 1970s that researchers understood that the body converts nitroglycerin into nitric oxide, a messenger molecule that tells the smooth muscles surrounding blood vessels to relax.^[21]
When a pill is needed the person places it under the tongue and allows it to dissolve, which usually takes about 20–30 seconds. Nitroglycerin can also be chewed, but is less effective when it is swallowed without being dissolved. Its actions make a gentle tingling sensation under the tongue. Nitroglycerin is more effective when taken at the very inception of chest discomfort. After taking the nitroglycerin pill, relief often follows within one to two minutes, but not all types of chest pain respond to nitroglycerin.^[2

NO ONE IN THE FAMILY HAD ANY INKLING ABOUT THIS ....
SHE HAD SEEMINGLY TOLD NO ONE ABOUT THIS MEDICATION .,.,
The family only found out the morning she died ,,
Seems the pill bottle was in her hand ( almost empty ! ) when they found her !!

Now what kind of crazy wee person would hide such info from her nearest & dearest ?

I'm gutted all over again ,, maybe with this knowledge ( and a better supply of pills ) she could have survived the heart attack ?

If I could get hold of her right now I'd skelp her wee arse .,.,

What were you thinking WeeThing ?

Help ma Boab, I'm sleeping wi' Desperate D'Ann !

Sleep, these days is something of a luxury !
In fact I can't actually remember when I last had a real night's sleep ...
So there I was in the middle of another sleepless, dreamless, watch of the hours go by when I heard the first faint murmurs ,,,, It was a cat .,., surely the daft woman wouldn't have brought a cat to our bed ?
But, I'd know that happy light purr anywhere ,, I ignored it, lest the stupid animal decided to make friends with me too ... then came the oh so quiet Ohh, Oohh, just every so often ,, it sounded for all the world like a young girl playing with her pussy ( oops I mean cat ! ) I let it go for a long few minutes ,, but I was definitely right ,, it was a pussy cat purring and it was a young girl ohh'ing at regular intervals with it !!
I could resist it no longer ,, I turned to see if she'd resurected our monster Snoopy cat or our wee fluffy imitation kitten Muffin ?? Of course the minute I made my move the gentle purr became a great splurt & splutter with thrashing arms and the Ooohh's a snore of gigantic proportions much in tune with my old boyhood hero Desperate Dan after devouring a great Cow Pie !!
Oh well ,,,, back to watching the ole hour hands again ?

Are standards slipping at Wumbledum ?

Surely I'm not the only one to notice ?
The "goings-on" at Wumbledum ( as Boris calls it ! ) this past week ?
You'd have thought after winning the damned competition twice and attending every year since, that at least he'd have learned by now how to pronounce the place name?? Alas NO !
Since the beloved & I have been a bit house-bound this past wee while we've taken to watching the Tennis Freak Show of an afternoon ...
It's beginning, after watching almost every game through the 1st. week, to actually turn my stomach !
Why you might ask ?
Well I'll tell you, but be prepared to never enjoy watching this spectacle again without thinking of my analysis.
There's the Grunting,, the Yelping & Yowling, the damned bad sportsmanship where opponents scream in delight when one makes a mistake ( would never happen on a golf course ! ) Then there's the throwing of the ball in the air and NOT hitting the serve,, Complaints if one's opponent needs a doctor mid game ,, all different versions again of poor sportsmanship.
Then there's the Nadal affliction ,, he needs to have something pulled out of his backside between every rally !!  I'm thinking of writing to advise him that thongs are perhaps not the correct sports attire for Wumbledum !
But worse than all of these, worse by far ???
It's the disgusting wiping of the head, face, bald bonce, arms, legs and other places and then PASSING THE SWEAT WET TOWEL TO SOME POOR UNSUSPECTING LITTLE BALL BOY OR GIRL !! 
OH YUK !! And sometimes they surreptitiously wipe ( even blow ) their noses while wiping .,.,
Now think about it ,, if you were said little boy or girl wouldn't you just refuse ,, ?  Bugger off  Mr. Tennis Star ! Stick your sweaty towel where Raffa scratches I'd tell them ,,, No way am I touching your smelly, stinking, sweat wet rag .,.,
I can just see FIFA lining up 22 -wee ball boys round the fields of play with FIFA emblemed towels heavy with snot, spit and sweat .,., ( although it would make for less of the stuff up your shorts when you do yon knee slide celebration of a goal !! ) 
I mean footballers don't have the decorum of tennis freaks do they ?
Where oh where will it all end ??
Send your sports yuks to me at .,.,.,.,.,

The Screaming Returns

So, there we were, having a ball at our son's 40th. Birthday Party.
The Champagne was flowing, the buffet was loaded to overflowing and the wines, beers & spirits were high !!  We met lots of old & new friends and decided later on in the evening that since I wasn't up to long nights ( & this one was looking like an early hours of the morning affair ) that we'd leave with our daughter and be home for a reasonable time ,,, midnight'ish !
The beloved was her usual self ,,, all night life and soul ,, and even now, in the car, chatting away and giving us lots to laugh about on our homeward journey.
We got our daughter to drop us at the corner of our street and we walked the 50-yards or so to our back door.
We were both bushed ,, said we were going straight up to bed ....
My beloved wandered into the hall cupboard to slip out of her shoes and at that point the world did a double-take !
She collapsed coming out and fell hard against the hall radiator, giving her head a helluva wallop.
I figured, in my wisdom ( doh ! ) that maybe she'd had a wee glass of wine or two too many?
I man-handled her back into the living room and onto the couch ,,, She lay down .. I slipped a pillow under her head and checked it for any blood .,., she seemed almost ok so I threw a cover over her and sat down in my chair to keep a night vigil. I was a little concerned that she wouldn't speak to me ?? 
An hour or so later she got up, undressed and walked upstairs en route to bed under her own steam ,, ( but with me closely following at her back lest she fall again.)
I asked her if I should call a Doctor but she poo-hoo'd the idea.
Another couple of hours went by and I wakened ,, she was staring, unseeing into space ,,,
This time I didn't ask,,, I called NHS 24 and within 20-minutes the Doc was at our door.
One look, a few questions and some tests were hurredly carried out before he too was on the 'phone.
An ambulance was here no more than 10-minutes later ,,, and sped us thro' the night traffic to Glasgow's Southern General hospital and straight into the High Dependency Stroke ward !
My dearest had not been drinking to excess, hardly 2-glasses of white wine & a sip of champers had passed her lips that fateful Sat. night .,., and now here she was, in an intensive care bed only a few hours after posing for some lovely family portaits. ( Does the photo above look like a woman 4-hours away from a stroke ?)
I was devastated ,,, I still am ,,, I should have called the Doc some 3 or 4 hours quicker !
As everyone knows, with a stroke the first hours are absolutely vital to get the patient on track for a full recovery.
The Doctors & nurses in the hospital were brilliant ,, attentive & informative .,., they told me fairly quickly ( although it seemed a lifetime ! ) that the only damage was her speech and her writing ,,, a very small but significant area of the brain had taken the hit with the clot but thankfully no paralysis, no loss of understanding ... all limbs still working ok.   Chances were that she'd be fine and the delay ( fortunately ) did no additional damage .,., ( Thank God, for I'd never have lived with myself if I'd caused her to suffer more. )
The damage was carefully scutinized for a week ,, Cat scans, x-rays, wired up to heart & blood pressure monitors, physcal examinations ,, etc. etc,
Seems she has an irregular heart beat ( maybe had this for many years without it doing any harm ).... her blood pressure was up thro' the roof ,,, her thyroid gland was way over active .,.,
As I understand it the thyroid was the main culprit ,, being so over-active it caused the heart rate to race & the blood pressure to rise ,, this in turn let go a small clot which headed straight for the brain and did the damage.
My poor darling had no symptoms of any of these threats .,., indeed never a day's illness in her life ,,, ( well one nasty chest infection which took a long time to clear ) but that aside, a healthier woman over the years it would be hard to find ! ,.,.,., now all of a sudden she's on 4-different lots of pills ... daily for now & possibly a long time to come !
She has, of course, been under a lot of stress and has been working twice as hard as normal over the past 6-months following my illness & treatment regime .,., This probably contributed ?
I really can't believe our family has been hit with another major trauma ,,, Did we really offend the Gods in some previous life ?
Are we just getting old and frail .,., ? 
What ?
Why ? Why my beloved ,,, ??
Why now ?
She's been my love, my rock, my beloved wife for all these years .,.,
She simply doesn't deserve these extra fears & tears .,.,
She's a carer with extraordinary love,
She's my woman,
And I could have lost her
I'm SCREAMING again !

Urquhart Bloody Castle ! They can keep it.

Urquhart Castle sits beside Loch Ness in Scotland along the A82 road,

between Fort William and Inverness.

It is close to the village of Drumnadrochit.

Though extensively ruined, it was in its day one of the largest strongholds of medieval Scotland,

and remains an impressive structure, ( aye, wellll )

splendidly situated on a headland overlooking Loch Ness.

It is also near this castle that the majority of Nessie (Loch Ness Monster) sightings occur.

It's no' a bad wee bit of brickwork ,, albeit kinda run doon & in need of some TLC !

However it does have Major flaws ,,,

Since my last visit the Prices for entry to walk down a wee bit grass and look closer at this old ruin have gone thro' the bloody roof !

Some £7-20p for each adult and £4-50p per child !!

Our family outing would have cost us ( that's the 13-of us ) some £65-70p on a cold & rainy day .,.,

had we been daft enough to pay !

The only voices I heard coming or going in the direction of the castle ,,  (eh, the couple of walls left standing that is !) were Americans or Japanese funnily enough !

That's not all either .,.,., flaws # 2 & 3 coming up !

The bastards have planted a full row of trees ( small 'ish at the moment but quick growing I'll wager ! )

These are atop the wall with it's already interfering wire mesh, thus making life somewhat difficult / impossible for the would-be tourist Photographer.

This vandalism of our right to view what is a natural Scottish resource ( Loch Ness ) made me very angry indeed .,., with their notices of  " Do Not Stand On The Wall "

Aye right .,., just try stopping me !

Who do these people think they are ? 

If I want to look for Nessie in her Loch then I'll stand on them and their bloody wall if I feel like it !

The final insult was when one of youngsters needed the loo ...

On enquiring where the loo was we were told ,,"Inside !" and to visit would cost us £7-20p + £4-50p

That must be the most expensive pee in all Scotland .,.,

I can only assume the place is run by the English !

Anyway we let the little fella pee against their wall ,, poetic justice I thought ?

And we changed the wean 's nappy in the back of the car and promptly plonked the dirty nappy in their waste bin ,,, right outside the pay booth !!

A last look over my shoulder as we walked away clocked some 20-odd people on the wall snapping away with cameras !

I would urge all visitors to renege at paying this scandalous "fine" to look at our own country's natural landmarks ! Are y'all with me ??

Yo, A Result

Bye bye Seve ...

Last night Seve finally lost the fight with that malignant tumour in his head . What a sad day for all of golf .
The wee man was a wizard on the golf courses of the world and will be so sadly missed ,,,especially by our Ryder Cup Team. He was inspirational as a Captain, a leader and a supporter.
And so young ,,, 54 is no age to go.
RIP Seve .,., I hope you get in some good rounds in that big Golf Course in the sky ! 

Who's a Happy Bunny Then ??

What a day ,, what a night ,,, what a brilliant victory !
We arra peepel !
Go Big Eck ... we're finally on the move to an Independent Scotland, but don't get rushed into it too soon. As if you would ,,
I haven't managed to get the smile off my face all day :-)
I look forward to seeing as many of the next 5-years as possible.
I know you and Team Scotland won't let us down .,.,
Now go GOVERN /.,.,., You de man .,.,YO

The Flying Balloon

About 4-am this morning I'd had enough !
My tum was aching badly and I felt I needed to go visit my Throne ( well it is THE Wedding Week ! )
Like you didn't know & had managed to escape it ? 
I sat down, resigned to yet another 15-20 minutes without sleep !
But then something very strange ( and almost wonderful ) happened.
I let out the loudest and longest lasting ,, eh, how shall we put it ? .,.,., Bottom Raspberry I've ever experienced !! It went on for some 50 seconds .,. loud and non stop !
My tum felt like a great load had just been lifted ,, seemingly shrinking visibly as I hugged myself .,., the pain went ,, I was almost happy at having got up ,,,
Then it struck me ,,, In my mind's eye I pictured a great balloon with my rugged, older male model look face on board ,, trimmed beard and all, flying up & down and all around the lav !!
I fully expected at any moment to find myself  lying in a heap at the bottom of the stairs with a final weeeeee ,,
So it started ,, I giggled ,, I laughed out loud ,, way too loud for 4-am ,, and after a few minutes almost fell off my Royal seat in hysterics ,,,
Wonder why none of the Docs or Nurses ever mentioned this as an optional exit at the hospital during all my Chemo sessions !!
What a way to go ?,, as a deflating balloon flying round the Lav ,,,

All in a Week's Holiday !!

Just back from a lovey week away with all the family Up North .,.,
It was noisy with 7-we'ans running wild but it was also good fun .,.,
The weather was a real bonus ,, didn't think they ever got sunshine in the upper reaches of Scotland ,,
We were esconsed in a Baronial Mansion in the little town of Keith, sort of mid way between Aberdeen and Inverness and so we also visited some gorgeous little seaside towns and fishing villages on the coast .,., Banff, Macduff, Cullen ,,,
Cullen was the highlight for me, a beautiful town, with a glorious beach and a little café / bistro selling it's very own home made Cullen Skink .,., a must eat for true Scottish Fish Chowder fans !
This and the best Ice Cream shop in the highlands made it a perfect day for us and the kids !
The day was topped off though, by a superb ( if somewhat un PC ) comment from my dearly beloved ,,,
On passing a Chinese take away, by name The Castle Chinese Take Away, Thomas, our son-in-law commented, "Huh, they could surely have come up with a better name than that for their restaurant ? " .,.,( this was one of the few places we visited with not a castle to be seen !! )
The wife, having just enjoyed her Chowder lunch, quick as a flash, had us all on the grass laughing hysterically ,,,
Yeah, she said ,, something more appropriate to the town .,.,how about The Cullen Chink !!
( Humble apologies to any sensitive Chinese reading my Blog ,, but it was said with only fun in mind !)
Unfortunately, on arriving home we found the hall stairs and lower floor area completely flooded and water dripping from the loft through the upstairs light bulb .,., from the amount of water we estimated that it had started dripping as we loaded the car to leave a week earlier !! :-( 
Today, a day later, we had a power cut, seemingly .,., but after some investigation alas no ,, it was our kitchen kettle that that had blown the overload circuit breaker ,, so we're now down a hall carpet and a kettle !!
Surely this is not some ancient Confucius curse being brought to bear on us ?,,, it was only a joke pal ,, honest !!
Anyway, I'll away and investigate the kettle fault just in case it's fixable ???

OMG, the Shame !

A couple of days ago I received the worst news I've ever had !
No, nothing to do with the dreaded "C" disease this time ,,, possibly even worse ?
My great Dane of a son-in-law only went & poked his nose into our Family Tree .,., a project I started many years ago ,,, He was trying to find & add further back generations of MY family ( doesn't he have a family of his own to poke into ? )
I had listed only back to my Mum & Dad  and their Mums & Dads ,,ie, my grannys & grampas, all done via old aunties & uncles when I could sit them down for long enough & ply them with a few wee drams to keep them talking ! The Dane of course goes much deeper into old archives via the records office in Edinburgh ,,,
Anyway to cut a long story short and hopefully to then bury it deeply after that ,,, it turns out ( and there's no doubting it sadly ) that my paternal Granny, one Mary Hannah Potter was ,,, ugh, I can barely bring myself to say the word ,, ENGLISH !!  There, that's it ,, now can we forget it ?
I'm 25% bloody enemy !!  My family of course are having great fun with this news ,, Of all the people in the world it had to be ME, the Scot Nat .,., Jesus, I'll never live this down ,, In they come whistling the National Anthem, asking me to change the TV to Sky Sports Cricket ,, even bought me a bloody Union Jack hat for Christ's sake ,,,
My mate Steve ,, the Englisher I take great pleasure in beating at golf in our weekly "Auld Enemies" game also happened by for a visit when this dreadful news broke and is beside himself .,., giggling like a loon while still drinking MY booze. Hey Dougie, you could have played for the England footie team if we'd known this earlier !! Are you going to organise a street party for the Royal wedding Doug ,,,  The wife is threatening divorce !
The one burning question in my head is ,,, WHY didn't my old man tell me this ,, that his Ma was English as were the multitude of aunts, uncles & cousins this woman gave us ,,, her sisters & brothers are all bloody foreign as well !  He kept this obviously distasteful info to himself  for all his 74-years ,,
I now feel like an Alien in my own beloved Scotland .,.,
What to do ?,,
I'm away to see if my head fits the oven !

A Short but Funny Wee Tale from the Bedroom !

I've developed a shake !
Another of the dreaeded "Side Effects" I guess ,, you'll  notice there's never any mention of "front effects" or "back efffects" ,,  It's always side effects !
Anyway this "shake" takes the form of a short duration but quite violent & uncontrollable twitching of the foot ! ( generally only one at any given time ? )
Unusually for me, :-(  I was having a wee moan about this after it woke me with a start in bed .,.,
"Bloody pills" I muttered in the B-loved's ear .,., "must talk to the Doc about how to get rid of this ...."
God bless her quick wit,.,.,. in a flash, at 3-am she turned and looked at me and said .,.,.,
Och, Away and join Riverdance !
A hearty slap on the butt and we were both in tears of laughter again .,.,
It's becoming a night time tonic, this middle of the night giggling :-)

The Scudder's Back !

My friend from the East set me off again ,, thinking, and that's not always a good thing !

I would like some Politician to answer the following questions / statements of facts ... IF THEY CAN !
What idiot brain box ( or was it a Government "Think-Tank" ? ) thought it was a good idea to price our students out of University ? Can you imagine having a noose round your neck to the tune of approx. £70 grand ( including bank Interest ! ) 'til you're in your 50's .,., what chance a mortgage, kids, ( with no chance of a UNI placement of course !! ) as well ??
This has simply put a Uni education beyond most folks ,,, not, of course those same politico families, foreign despots weans and maybe Mafia God Father's offspring !
OK, tell me why DUMBING down our country even further is a good idea ?

Here's another joke that I can't quite get !  How come if we are going thro' the worst recession in the last 50-years or so, can we always find £BILLIONS to send in aid to any foreign outstreached hand ??
We give money to so called 3rd. world countries who are nowadays better off than us ,,, For example we still hand out aid to China who are currently building the worlds fastest, most advanced passenger train service .,.,., India ,, not only do we give them money, but all our jobs too ,, and even train them to do them ( badly ! )  We've been pouring cash into Africa for the past 30-years ( at least ).,., anybody ever see these Africans doing any work with our money ?? you know, building housing, roads, schools etc ,,, NOPE, me neither , but boy are they great at sitting about on their lazy arses with the pair mooth  look .,.,., Oh aye, and all these poor aids infected weans ( on average it looks like about 8 per family !! ) So now at least we know what work they're good at ,,, BUT I'd rather they did that on their own cash rather than mine ! More hard graft building up their country's infrastructure & less shagging might help ?
And we further support these people with obscene £Millions every bloody Red Nose Year !!.,., while our own British Poor are getting poorer !

And still talking recession .,., why don't we ever get a Government with the balls needed to simply put a STOP to the bankers ( that we bailed out ! ) paying themselves criminally excessive salaries .,., and bonuses should not be allowed 'til they've paid us all back for our loan ? What's difficult in that ?

Then there's the highest taxed petrol in the civilsed world ! Incompetent, greedy, useless Politicos again .,.,
These petrol tax levels are obscene and MUST be changed ,, DOWN !!
Why not use the African / Indian / Chinese aid money to reduce OUR home TAXES ??
Or maybe ( again a proper Government required unfortunately ) our football clubs should never be allowed to be owned by foreign rich people .,., and for Christ's sake get a ceiling ( and I mean hugely lower, sensible wages consistent with the ability to kick a ball two or three days a week ! ) on daft wee boy footie players earning 10-times what the bloody Prime Minister earns !  And while we're on the subject, why are all our teams using ptractically exclusively FOREIGN players .,., This is sure doing wonders for our home International teams .,., NOT !  Get these immigrant players back to a max. of two or three per team.

I could go on ( and probably will later ! ) but for now I'm off to watch the cup final !
But one last very serious thought / comment  .,.,
If I was a younger man there's only one thing I'd consider doing in this country .,.,
and that's EMIGRATE !