There's Funerals & then there are funerals !

Had to attend two funerals this past week !

Not my favourite pastime I hasten to add, but family & friends needs must.

First we had Wullie .,., a self induced early death, at 62. Wullie was the younger brother of our pal Jim but the two seldom got on and laterly rarely even talked.

Wullie you see was something of a heid-case ! Into drink & drugs in a big way for manys a long year he had been warned often to get himself cleaned up or depart this mortal coil ,,,

He chose the latter and who's to say he was wrong ? He lost his only love, the crazy Liz a while back and this, it seems to me, propelled him into the abyss.

And yet, at the very end there she was ,, the bold Liz, large as life and twice as ,,, organising the funeral with their boy. Wullie's drunks & druggies turned up as well as his Maw and ( most of ) his family. I guess he had a turnout of about 25 bodies ( mostly alive but some I'm not quite sure about ,, and neither were they !

"Eh, wher ur we the day ,, eh, who ur we ,,, wull we get a wee drink here d'ye think ?"

It was a bloody disaster of course ,, from the minute the priest hobbled into the crematorium with his broken leg and shouted at Liz ,, "Whit wis his name again hen ?" followed by ,.,.

Dis anyo'ye know the Rosary ? ,,, the Hail Marys ?

The "service" was like something out of the dark ages ,, all hell & damnation and how we'd all need to pray if Wullie was ever to make it to Heaven ! Wullie never actually got a mention in the proceedings ,, for this guy rambled on and on about ,, God knows what !

His coffin was carried in to Eric Clapton 's Tears in Heaven .,., ( tears of laughter if they were looking down on this farce ) and we moved out to some 60's psycho-instrumental which stuck in the Cd player ,, fittingly I thought, but which then gave Liz the excuse to harrang the operator of the music machine ,.,. "Whit did ye dae wi' my Cd son ?" she threw at him on her way out of the chapel ,, "it wis aw scratched missus ", he told her handing back the disc with "Wullie's Funeral-- Jan 2009" written on it in Red ink ! ,, ,,

Jim, the deceased's big brother, spoke not one word to his old mother, his aunt, his brother's ex wife, or his last drunken bidie-in ,.., in fact no one ,, and didn't join them later for the traditional sandwich & swally .,,.

We, me & the missus, and Jim's daughter & son -in- law were invited back to his place for different sandwiches & undoubtedly different swallys !!

A funeral like no other I've ever attended !

Then, just two days later we were in a packed St Anthony's Chapel in Govan .,.,

The very angels were singing as we entered .,,.

A turn out bigger than any I've seen before ,, must have been 3-400 people packed into the Chapel for what I assume was a High Mass ? And the overflow area at the rear was also full.

Our own Amanda's "uncle" Danny passed away after a year or two's illness .,,. he was 81

Danny was a nice wee guy ,, lots of friends obviously, as well as a huge family, a popular wee fella in Church circles too from the looks of it ,.,. We had 4-priests, 2-women "scripture readers"and the pack came complete with eh, an absolutely abysmal organist ! ( she really needs to go for a few more piano lessons I'm afraid ! )

There was much upping & downing ( even to the knees for some ! ) as seems to be the norm in Catholic churches ( nae wonder these Fenians are fit ! ) ,.,. The service was splendid ( if you were of a religious bent ), there was much praise heaped on the wee man ,, a true celebration of his life rather than a weeping & wailing at his passing.

But the highlight of the day for me, and most of the participants in the church, was Wee Danny's goodbye to his beloved Dad. He told us firstly of his mum's strength this past wee while and especially this last few days, his sister, their friends and neighbours ,.., all the help and words of comfort they'd received ,,, he then told us of his father's last hours.

Old Danny had by now been in his hospital bed for some weeks and was suffering a bit with bed sores ,,, but he wouldn't bother the nurses with his pain ,, "these girls have enough to do without me complaining " .,., anyway, on his last night with the family he pulled his dear wife aside as they were leaving .,,. and delivered what were to be his final parting words ,.,.

"Eileen" he said, We've had a good life ,, I'm a happy man, had you, lovely kids, done everything I ever wanted to do, have no regrets ,, but ,,,,

Do you think God is having a laugh ? I'm gonnae die here wi' a sore arse !"

Hahaha .,., Way to go Danny old friend ,, I love it !

Out of the church ,, and on to the Crematorium .,,. absolutely overflowing with mourners ,, no room to park the car ,, 6-deep OUTSIDE the place ,.,. and then to the Glynhill Hotel in Paisley for a fine afternoon of craic with friends & family and a lovely buffet with drinkies ,,,

Cheers Danny & R.I.P.

I'm now working on my own final words and almost looking forward ? to my son or daughter giving the folks a laugh on that day ,,, How about ,,

"He asked me to enter his name on the sheet for tomorrow's medal ?"

My feet have been cold for 3-years !

That was her comment the other day when I commented ( on reflection, perhaps not too kindly ! ) after she came home with about a dozen pairs of the most bizzare looking assorted new SOCKS ! Colours neither old Mods nor Rockers would have ventured out with in the street, not even after a hallucinatory drug trip ,, Stripes, flowers, dots ,,, you name it, these socks have it, in abundance ,.., but in combinations never before seen together ,,, well not in broad daylight anyway !
So I asked her ,,,
Why on earth did you buy these my beloved ????
Well, she said, firstly they were on special ,, half price no less ,, ( you wouldn't be the least surprised ) ,.,. they couldn't have sold them to me at 99% off !!
But then she told me the real truth ,..,.,
My feet have been cold now for about 3-years !
Eh ,,, it took her all that time to find a solution to cold feet ??
And what a solution she found .,., we're only going out nights now !

Slanted BBC News !

How come we have to listen to all this shite every damn day ?
First we heard about the poor guy who was gunned down by the cops as a suspected suicide bomber on the train ,, now the bleeding hearts are at it again ,,
We have the Primark sweat shop workers being made into cheap slaves .,,.
Never a mention of the real FACTS ,..,
These bastards are ALL in our country robbing our easy touch system blind .,,.
All of them are and were ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS .,,.
Instead of pleading for the poor souls to get a better deal why don't we do what other civilised countries do and DEPORT the buggers ?? Or better still ,, don't let them in in the first place !
They're costing us ( taxpayers ) millions and draining our country dry.
We have plenty poor folks of our own to look after ,, thanks to this same sad apology for a Government that lets this kind of thing happen ,, constantly !
Pity we can't deport the Westminster MP's & bloody Do-Gooders at the same time !

Do we really need Conductors ?

I watched the New Year's Day concert from Vienna yesterday.

It's a thing I do ,,, every year I sit there, generally a bit hung-over, and give myself a Classical shot in the arm. Generally it's very good .,,. however this year I was disappointed .,,. maybe I was too sober or maybe it just wasn't the best choice of music this year, who knows ?

We had the internationally renowned but over dramatic Israeli conductor Daniel Barenboim doing his thing in front of the very talented Vienna National Orchestra, so it should have been good.

The music this year, as I said, was not to my taste so I got to watching Barenboim ,,, and the more I watched his histrionics and his highfalutin, profusely sweating, (high) brow the more I got to wondering ????

Why does a perfectly competent group of musicians actually need a conductor anyway ?

They can read the music, follow the mood, intonations, musical direction given on the sheet music ,,, a simple Metronome should more than suffice ?

And it wouldn't have all that prancing off-stage then on again to rapturous applause and it would save all the flower bouquet presentations at the end too !

I doubt most of us ( the untrained ear majority ) would notice any difference sans conductor ?

Whatever Happened to the Old New Year ?

What a sad state we've come to !

And sadly I'm old enough to tell you this ,.,. Are you even aware ? ... Let me tell you,.,.,.,

New Year Fings, ain't wot they used to be ,,, not in my day !

No more the friendly knock on the door of ( or by ) neighbours .,., No more joyous exclamations of "Happy New Year" & kisses on the doorstep ,, no more lumps of coal, bottles of whisky, boxes of shortbread being brought to Party by friends !

What's happened ? where has our wonderful old Scottish culture gone ? ,,,

We've been Anglicized I fear ,, or could it be worse than that even ? .,., Globalized maybe ???

Even the slightly less old, but at the time pretty good, Hogmanay TV offerings were great fun ,,,

Duncan McRae, Rikki ( I.M.Jolly ) Fulton, Jack Milroy, Chic Murray ,, aye even Jimmy Logan ,,, and the rest ,,, Alas no more .,,. even the light entertainment candle has been dimmed !

Youth doesn't party with their elders anymore ,.., no more singalongs around the piano nights ? No more wandering from house to house to return home only when the bottles were all empty ,,,

How can our children then learn for the future continuance of these cultural rituals .,,. ?

Now they gather in City Centres and scream & dance in a frenzy of drunken debauchery .,.,

and PAY for the priviledge ! Pay to celebrate New Year ?,, now that says it all really !

Local goverment has obviously learned from its elders ,.,. just jumped on the National goverment bandwagon and now taxing us to do anybloodything ,,

Watch out for that "Breathing Tax",.,.., it's bound to be introduced soon ?

No one, it seems, wants the inconvenience of having their home "messed up" and having to sort it all next morning ,, but why ?? It was never a problem 30- years ago ... washing a few extra glasses surely isn't that much of a chore in today's Dishwasher world ?

We did our annual local Pub thing last night .,., and yeah, we too paid for the privilege :-(

Get to the pub around 9pm ,,, buy drinks all night at their inflated prices, DJ in the corner doing his best to drown out all conversation, ( and with a faulty watch so he rung out the old year & in the new fully 4-minutes before the magical midnight !!

And did he end the night with our beloved last dance and Rabbie's hogmanay anthem “Auld Lang Syne” .,,. Did he hell ,, the last we heard from him was a noisy parting shot of New York, New York ,.,. Eh ?

It was all over and we were thrown out at 1.30am !! Just about the time we used to start out !

If this is the best we have on offer I think next Hogmanay I'll go to bed !

And a Smelly New Year !

I told y'all once before about Peter .... a golf buddy ,,, oldish ,, maybe 73 now but fit and a damn good golfer ,, handicap 12 ,.,.
The before story was about his lack of savvy regarding modern day technology ,.,. in fact modern day icons ,,, he doesn't quite know the various makes of Mobile Phones ,,,, ring any bells ??? Hahahaha "I'll have wan o' yon Nookie phones hen "
( See my Blog of Thursday, March 06, 2008 Auld guys don't do Gadgets )
Anyway nor, it seems does he have much of a clue re acceptable Xmas pressies .,,.,.
Peter is youngest of his siblings .,,. he has an older sister ( she's now into her 80's ,,, maybe 82 )
He couldn't decide this year what to buy her for Xmas ,,, so he asked her what she'd like .,,.
He suggested jewellery ( for an 82 year old ? .,,. well who knows, maybe this old bird gets out on the town a bit ? ) She declined ,,,
He offered clothes ? Ok not bad ,, but she declined again ,, telling him he barely passed muster in his own clothes so no thanks, he sure as hell wasn't choosing anything like that for her !
Och ,.,.,. Just surprise me she said ,,, Oh dear ,,,, what a silly thing to say to a Peter type .,.,
He thought and he thought and finally it struck him ,,,
The old lady has a wee plot ( allotment ) up the road from her house and she loves to potter around with her flowers and stuff ,,
You've guesssed it you think ??
He'd buy her some plants ,, or seeds ,, or ,,,
Nah, not Pete .,,.
He bought her ,,, and honest, this is no lie or made up story ,,,
Yep, he bought her ,,, a big bag of ,,,,, MANURE !!!!
So now y'all know what to buy for your nearest and dearest next time they say ,,,
" Och gaun, Surprise Me !! "
And a Shitey Xmas to you too !

Who said Retirement was Fun ?

From this, to this in a day!

Well !,.,. that was the week that was ...
( or TW3 for those of you old enough to remember the wonderful original David Frost satirical Sat. nights ?)
My daughter and her beloved bidie-in hit crisis point earlier this week.
They've been working hard over the past several weeks ( or is it months ? ) trying to convert an old dilapidated kitchen into a brand new TV room come visitor bedroom ,,,
I ( no correction, we ), my very own beloved and I, offered to help since time was fast running out before the room's first visitors were due to arrive ,.,. the bidie-in's mum & dad all the way from Denmark.
So I pitched in & helped with new plaster boarding of walls, plastering holes with fresh mortar, sanding said areas etc. all in an effort to get to the painting & wallpapering .,,.., the stuff Phyl thought couldn't possibly now be completed in time ,..,
Well we got there, we started painting Wed. ,.,. 2nd. coat painting Thurs. morning early and at 10 am Thursday morning we started papering ( the guests were due Frid., mid afternoon !! )
However, my beloved & I are long experienced wallpaperers ,,, and work beautifully in team fashion .,,.
I measure, match patterns, cut etc and she pastes .,,. I hang and then we're off at it again ,,, so over the years and the rooms we've become fairly proficient .,,.
We thought we'd break it's back Thurs. & finish Frid morn before the guests arrival.
However at about our planned stopping time Phyl made us a lovely Chilli ,.,.
After the chilli we decided to go for broke and finish the job all in the one day !
So, around 10pm we finally packed up our tools and viewed the finished article .,., with a large G & T in hand ,.,. hic ! Thomas & I then moved in the necessary furniture ,, bed, rug, and temporary wardrobe ,.,. Against all the odds we were ready for the guests ! Phew ,,,
It passed muster and everyone was pleased ,,, well apart from me & my beloved ,, :(
we were too knackered to be pleased or anything else and slept almost 12-straight hours !
Who ever said retirement was easy ? But it can be fun :0)

Pay for What ?

This ,,,,,, or this ?


We have visitors today ,.., they've come to make substantial alterations to Buchanan Towers ! They say we will feel great benefit from their work .,., we will be warmer in summer & cooler in winter ,, and it will take longer to cool down in winter ( & presumably stay cooler longer during the long, hot, summer months we have here in Scotland ! ),,, and best of all, our gas heating bills will be smaller ! What more could we ask ? Well apart from, why didn't you come do this 35-years ago ya bass !!
Anyway, EDF our benevolent Gas supplier ( currently at least ! ) gave us this opportunity to upgrade our home insulation ,, Today then, our cavity is being filled !! Oof-ya ,,
It's not the quietest of jobs ,., In fact it's bloody noisy ! They've drilled about 40 rather large holes in my property ,, so far ! and knocked out all my pretty little red vents all round the house ,.,. I do hope they know what they're about ,,, if not it could be bloody cold in here !
They say it'll take no longer than about 3-hours start to finish so we're in the last hour now !
But it's a strange old job this one ,,,
OK, I know they're doing something out there but how can I really tell what I'm getting for my money ,,, there's nothing to see at the end of it all ,, I only have their word for it that they've filled my cavity :) ,,, and with what ? they could be pumping anything into my holes !! Ouch ... How will I ever know ? Wonder what they'll say when I ask them to PROVE the job's been done ,, and done correctly ?
So I asked them ! .,,. How do I know you've not been pumping any old shite into my holes ?
Oh dear, the workie says to me ,, You can smell it already ,,, ??? It doesn't usually filter thro' 'till long after we've gone !!
Mmmmm ,,, Well would you pay for something you didn't actually know had been done ?
Roll on the next cold spell 'till I see it's been money well spent !
I'll let you know in due course.
TBC .....

I couldn't have put it better myself.

We must heed the sage advice of our elders
ANNE JOHNSTONE
Old age is not what it used to be. We once sent people corny cards featuring pipes and slippers, and presented them with carriage clocks when they reached 65, so that they could count out their "declining years" a minute at a time.
Today, in the words of Andre Maurois: "Growing old is a bad habit which a busy man has no time to form." And while some seem to be born middle-aged, others die young well into their nineties.
As if to make us feel guilty about sneaking off to the golf course, a group of the world's most celebrated senior citizens took it into their grey heads to spend their weekend attempting to solve the political impasses of the world.
Can the Global Elders succeed where everyone else has failed (or not even tried)?
The idea was born from a conversation in 1999 between entrepreneur Richard Branson and singer songwriter Peter Gabriel. If the world is becoming a "global village", they reasoned, then it requires "global elders", a group of wise old heads who will do the equivalent of sitting at the crossroads in the shade of an old tree and resolving feuds. It was partly a response to the perceived absence of calm voices in modern international disputes.
In 2001, the idea was put to Nelson Mandela, the "eminence gris" best placed to pull it off. He loved it and by the time Global Elders was launched on his 89th birthday in 2007, a dozen names had been pencilled in. Five were Nobel prize-winners, including retired Anglican Archbishop Desmond Tutu and former Irish President Mary Robinson.
The launch was accompanied by much high-flown rhetoric. In what sounded like a deliberate parody of the prayer of St Francis of Assisi, Mandela spoke of the need to "support courage where there is fear, foster agreement where there is conflict and inspire hope where there is despair". Seemingly intractable problems would be tackled "stone by stone". During their twice-yearly meetings, a symbolic empty chair is always reserved for Burma's Aung San Suu Kyi.
It's easy to mock the idea. One newspaper leading article compared the elders to the Travelling Wilburys, the 1980s band assembled by Bob Dylan, George Harrison and Roy Orbison by way of self-veneration, then suggested it could become "a makework scheme for ex-leaders who cannot let go". In truth, unlike its members, this body is too young to face judgment but does have a lot going for it. Because members give up their time for nothing, it has a certain moral authority. Unlike the UN, its members do not represent any particular country or institution. Rather, they are freelance diplomats with nothing to lose and unparalleled contacts books. They can pick up the phone to anyone. And, as Mary Robinson puts it, they can "amplify the voices of those who are trying to raise issues of concern that are not being listened to". They can also work quietly behind the scenes.

"Old age, especially an honoured old age, has such great authority that it is of more value than all the pleasures of youth," said the Roman orator Cicero.
In classical antiquity, the retired were so revered that society operated on the basis of "seniores priores". The elderly were seen not as "wrinklies" but priceless assets, always afforded the front seats at the councils of state.

Compare that with modern British politics, where Menzies Campbell was hounded from leadership of the Liberal Democrats after being shamelessly lampooned as a doddering old fool and Vince Cable, his fellow sixty-something, excluded himself from the running to replace him on account of his age, despite being perhaps the liveliest voice in the Commons. No wonder. We live in a society where the overwhelming majority do not consider "elder abuse" to be a serious issue and most are more concerned about cruelty to animals. We honour our 82-year-old monarch, while 3.5 million elderly people live alone, many in poverty and loneliness.

If there's a lesson to be learned from the cheery, upbeat, jet-setting Global Elders, it is that this is a resource that we waste at our peril.
Or as the French moralist Joseph Joubert put it: "Life is a country that the old have seen and lived in. Those who have yet to travel through it can only learn the way from them."

And so say all of us old "wrinklies"

It's obviously a Woman thing !

It seems to be a thing women do ...To be more precise, it seems like Ann & Joycie are past masters of this art form !

First it was Ann, falling over carrying the new baby in her arms ,, somewhere up Sauchiehall St. some 7-years ago .. in the process of saving the new born we'an from being splattered on the sidewalk she broke an ankle ,, and severely damaged her leg, bum, upper arm and face ... the wean was completely unhurt ,, well saved Granny !

This took many many weeks to heal ,,, the ankle was indeed broken but worse perhaps was the tearing of the surrounding ligaments & tendons .,,.Ouch !

From memory it was some 12-14 weeks later before she was fit again for work.

Then there was Joyce ,, Steve, being Steve, was patiently awaiting her return from a shopping excursion in Lanzarote, to meet him in the local bar where he was busy cooling down and reading the cricket scores ! The pub door opened in a somewhat dramatic fashion ,, she fell ,, tumbling headlong INTO the bar ! and guess what ,, Yep , broken ankle ! Steve did so well on that occasion .,., dived to try and save her and never spilled a drop of his drink !!

This one took the best part of a year to fully recover ! What are they like ?

Not long after that the daughter walks out her back door with a cheesecake under her arm and promptly falls on her arse but not before ripping the ankle ligaments to hell ,,, result : - a foot the size of two with a colour display to rival the Aroraborialis ! Weeks off work ,,,

So really, what were we to expect this Thursday past ,, Steve & me, doing our thing on the golf course all morning while the girls started their Xmas shopping in town ,,, Naturally the girls being THE GIRLS ,, they would have had their LUNCH as they say in Edinburgh ! ,,, and we all know what lunch means when it's Ann & Joycie ,..,

They said it was just the one bottle of wine ,, hic :0)

However, alighting from the train at Patterton Station NM, it's Ann's turn again ,,, she says it was a guttering on the platform walkway ! ,,, ( now who ever heard of a gutter that wasn't on a roof ? ) ,,, arse over tit she went, down with a clatter she went, over on the ankle once again ,,,

Fortunately Steve had gone down to pick them up from the station ,,, he & Joyce carried her home to me between them ,,, "damaged goods" I said they'd brought me back when she hobbled in the back door ,,,,, they dumped her on the couch and kinda slunk off ,,, ankle swelling as we watched it ,,, Oh, ouch again ,,

It's now a few days later and PHEW ,,, it's well on the mend ,,, only slightly bruised, black, blue and purple ,, but I take the credit for the quick recovery this time round ,, for wasn't it me who rushed to the bar and gave her a large whisky ,, and wasn't it me who suggested the spray of Deep Heat ,,, and it was definitely me who poured the next whisky(s) ,,, well I was traumatised too ! Anyway, whoever suggested the cure, I am heaving a huge sigh of relief .,,.

she's definitely fit enough again to do her own XMAS SHOPPING !

Very Choosy Crooks in Crookfur !

We have a daft postman ,.,. he's always been daft ,,, we've had words in the past !
He constantly walks all over our beautifully manicured garden lawn ,.,.
ok, the grass in front of the hoose ! ... to save him walking up & down the path .,., Lazy B .,.,
He's now taken to dumping stuff ( deliveries that don't fit the letterbox ) at the front door when no one is in !! This does two things ,,,
1) it lets the local thieves know the house is unoccupied ,,, and
2) it lets the same crooks lift what is left on the doorstep ! ,.,.,.
Oh and 3) it makes me very ANGRY !
I have now spoken to the local sorting office manager .,,. Glad to report this leaving of goods at the door is NOT Post Office Policy ,, just daft postman policy !
I have very politely advised said manager that if it happens again I will take HIM to Court.
He gulped loudly and said he'd have a word (again) with the errant postie .,,.
I suggested maybe they hire a higher caste monkey in future ,,,,
This morning I have a large notice on my front door inviting the Postie to stop for a chat !!
"We need to talk about your droppings, son !"
The beloved has been waiting on some Pill deliveries .,,. the health stuff we take daily ,, cod liver oil capsules, Glucosamine, etc ,,,
Last night a guy out walking his dog some 500 yards up the road re-delivered some of postie's droppings to us ,,, they'd been thrown into a nearby garden and his dog found them !! However, some were missing !! Perhaps the ones the local crooks/ drug dealers felt they could sell on ??
So now I wait ,,, curtains drawn wide open ,.,. Postie is a comin' ,,,
And we need to talk ,,, wonder if his name is KEVIN ???

Denmark in the Fall

Just spent a very pleasant, long-weekend in Arhus, Denmark with little Anna's other Granny & Grampa, ( Grosmutter & Grosvater ) Brita & Peter, Thomas' mum & dad.
Little Anna & her mum Phyl came too ! ,,, as did my other ( better ? ) half.
Phyl drove us through to Embra at a fairly early hour ( well it was for my beloved ! )
Ryanair already had a 40-minute delay posted on the board before we got to the airport.
We had a coffee and a bun .,., possibly the most expensive coffee/bun combo in the Western world ? Or maybe I just don't travel enough these days ?
Anyway, we got on board the 737 jet just about dead on the 40-minute delay mark ,, certainly no chance of taking off "on (revised) time" unless it was a new vertical take off version !
The pilot did the next best thing however ,.., we taxied to the end of the runway, turned at speed and whoosh ,, we were off .,., up, up and away ,,,
There was obviously a tail wind pushing us along ,,, for there we were, 1-hour 15-minutes later, down and out in Billund, Denmark ! ,.,. Unbelievably on time ! I mean ON TIME ,, we had even
picked up the original 40-minute delay too !! Well done Ryanair !
Phyl picked up the hire car and drove us to Brita & Peter's place in the country, some 10-miles or so out of Arhus, a beautiful and quaint little country church with an enormous old Manse. Must be 16-rooms ?,, possibly even more I didn't see !
Wow, what a place to grow up and call home ,,, Thomas was indeed a lucky boy ,,, as was his sister Miriam.
However, sadly Brita is now retiring and must leave the big house she has called home for almost 40-years ,.., what a wrench this will be ,.,. both her & Peter are typical academics ( like their son and his love ) and consequently have accumulated books upon books upon books on top of all the furniture and general "stuff" needed to fill such a house ,.,,, which now needs to move into a small flat in town ! I don't envy them that task !
Phyl drove us into town for a look at old Arhus ,, a sea-side town with a large harbour /port with lots of ships coming & going ,, not unlike what old Glasgow used to be.
We had a nice traditional Danish lunch in a little pub .,,. really lovely ,,, and were fed like Kings & Queens at every meal in the Manse ,,,,, I let myself down just the once, putting a little topping of Camembert cheese onto my (so sweet) Danish pastry, just to take the edge off it's sweetness, honest !
Phyl drove us back to the airport and home from Embra, paid all the airfares, car hire, petrol, etc, etc, so a very relaxing time for us ,,, although I did suffer some ,, from what turned out to be tonsillitis, and a raging cold with a bad chest infection ,,,,
Now I guess I'd better get some cash from the bank and pay for our Danish weekend break ?

Santa Lives !

I forgot my shaver when we went away for a few days holiday recently with the family !
Honestly, I did ,, a genuine forgetful "senior moment."
We were staying with my son so I figured I'd simply borrow his ,,, guess what ?
Hahaha, yep, he forgot his too ,,,, Now he doesn't have the "senior moment" card to play so you might be right to think some kind of conspiracy was actually afoot ,,, :¬)
The daughter's bidey-in DID have his but hell, it was a wet shave old fashioned razor thing with which I could easily have cut my throat ,, and he was a good 10-minute walk away ,,!!
So the son & I decided .,., right there and then, on the spur as they say ,,
It's getting close to Xmas and the Credit Crunch is beginning to bite so we might need a wee part time job with Santa come mid Dec.?
Anyway I've now had this face ( the one my other half says " you're not bringing that into my bed I trust !" ) for about a month or so ,,, no trimming, no shaping, no tidy up work at all ,, just me, au natural !

And I've been doing a kind of snap poll .,.,.,
Most of my MEN friends think it looks good ,, or it's ok ,,, or I suit it ,,
Funnily enough however, even without my wife's prompting, most of my WOMEN friends think it's not so good,,, just not me, when am I shaving it off again ,, it makes me older ,,,
So, I think I need to conduct a wider poll !!

Any comments please, on a post card or here ,,,

What's YOUR verdict ?

The Faulty one's to Blame !

So there I was, maybe 2-weeks ago?, doing some "official" printing for my golf secretary "job" !
The printer decided half way through my "work" that we needed some replacement ink ,,,
A pain in the arse of course but no sweat,.,., like all good secretaries I (generally) always have spare cartridges to hand. So I changed the black, as requested. We set to "work" again .,., only for me to be advised some 5-minutes later that the printer had now decided ,,,, "( I ) Do not recognise these cartridges" ? "Please change cartridges "?? "Eh ?", I said ,.,..,
So started a week long discussion ,, nay, argument ,, betwixt me, the Printer and the ink folks ,.,.
I changed all the bloody ink pots ,, the damned machine still refused to acknowledge it's own ,.,.
I tried to fool it by pretending to change them ,, but nothing would make the bugger print !
So I decided to take out my wrath on the ink supplier ,,
"Why did you send me incompatible cartridges" I asked them ,,, "I want replacements sent asap" ,, "Aye right" they replied ,,," our ink wells are just fine ,, but if you want you can send them back for testing ".,.,., well ok I thought ,, maybe ,, but here's the rub ,,
“Non-Ink Shop brand or used cartridges will not be accepted” ,,,
Now why would I send someone else’s ?
“If cartridge(s) are empty and/or appear to be used, they will not be accepted.”
Eh ? if I hadn’t tried using them how would I know they were faulty ya daft b,,, ??
“Cartridges with labels torn off will not be accepted “
WHIT ? The sealing tab that must be removed prior to fitting the cartridge into the printer can't be removed ??
So just how would I be able to tell they were faulty BEFORE removing this label ,,,,
So, to recap ,,, it would appear that unless I send them back only virgin, unopened, unused, cartridges, they won’t accept them ??
So I asked them again ,,, Why am I going to waste my money on postage then, sending them back to you ??
Oh, and I also asked.,,. Do you want to keep me as a customer ??
So they relented and said send all your ink back for testing !!
About this point I spoke to the big son ( the family computer know-all ! )
He suggested perhaps a hiccup in the printer .,,. just un-instal and re-instal Dad, and all will probably return to normal ? ,,, It was the weekend so I thought ,, why not ?
He talked me through the procedure (with the existing cartridges still in place) ,,,
Ha, the temperamental machine ( a brilliant description this ,, "subject to changes of mood " ) decided the cartridges were indeed ok !
And so, after only a week, we set back to work ,, ( well done that son )
Alas, the ink was very faint ,, the heads now needed cleaning !!
So we went thro' the procedure of cleaning, printing the test pattern, again, and again and again, and again .... getting better all the time UNTIL ,,, Oh Christ I don't believe it ,,, it's out of bloody ink again ,, and it refuses, again, to recognise the new cartridges as being its own !!
Bastard ,,, I dug out it's box from the loft ( you can substitute coffin here for I was now going to bury it !! ) ... I took it back to PC World and what d'you think ..... without even looking at it they gave me a brand new one ,, the updated model too ,,, with a "sorry for your trouble sir ",,,
No mention of it being open, used, labels missing etc ,,,
Now that's what I call service !

I told you this would happen !

I haven't blogged for a while now so I just thought I'd better say something ,, lest all my fans start to despair !
I've nothing much new ,,, nothing I'm particularly angry about this week ,,
Well actually, truth be told I'm extremely angry ,, but that's a kinda "all the time thing" nowadays ,.,.
I'm really angry with the state of our country ,, if I could I'd emigrate ,, Yes I really would ,, probably Oz since you ask ,, they seem to still treat their country as THEIRS !!
Immigration is ridiculous here in the UK, completely out of hand ,,, these bloody eastern fundamentalist fanatics are taking over OUR country and we're letting them !! Doh ,,,
Where is today's Enoch Powell when we need him ?
Politics in general are absurd, the idiots & bloody do-gooders in Westminster ( & to a slightly lesser extent Holyrood too) don't listen to ( or hear ) what the PEOPLE are telling them ,..,
Similarly the law is an ass, schooling is hopeless, parenting is even worse; today's parents are afraid to reprimand or say NO and generally give their offspring little or NO GUIDANCE !
The ( Western ) world's financial institutions are a joke .,,. there's no way everything could possibly have gone belly-up all at once ,,, this nonsense is simply all down to the spivs, speculators & gamblers, ( again ) "PLAYING" with OUR money to make them a fast buck ,,,,
It's way past time proper RULES of ENGAGEMENT were put in place so these bastards can't bugger up the entire economy for the rest of us on a bet or a whim !
But rest assured some eagle-eyed "entrepreneur " will be making that fast buck out of the rest of our pain ? In fact I read just yesterday he's already made a killing .,,.., selling Tee Shirts with a picture of Karl Marx, with the words under the face ? See my blog title !!! Haha ...
Selling them faster than he can produce them ,, at £15 a go :)
You have to say, good luck to him ,, wish I'd thought it first !

The Daughter Doesn't Do TV !

I've raised a strange one indeed .,,. perhaps even the pair !

The daughter has just done one of her Rants ,,, oh, sorry, I mean Blogs !!

It seems she has absolutely no time for Television ,, ( after that nice Logie-Baird chap spending so much of his time and energy inventing it too :) ) No appreciation some folk !

Her brother similarly seems to have little time for ACTUAL TV .,,. although he does use the big screen in his living room corner constantly ,,, however, in his case mainly for inane, banal, mind numbing Wii, Xbox, PS3 games etc, !

A strange pair indeed ,,,

I myself watch probably too much Television ,.,. and I would generally agree ,, much of it is utterly insulting to the intelligence ,, a constant barrage of Dumbing Down that has reduced our once great Nation to a now Moronic state ,, ( patently the DD TV is winning !! )

However, contrary to Phyllis' beliefs I feel I must say a word in Mr. Logie-Baird's defence. There IS some good TV still, if you just look for it and be very selective.

Some very informative, educational documentaries & stunning nature stuff .,,.

Real comedy ,, the kind that makes you laugh deeply from the belly and fall off your chair ,,,

and the most wonderful musical evenings are to be had ,, from rock to opera with everything in-between.

Programmes to let you visit the far corners of the world you might otherwise never see ,,

World news ( but definitely NOT the insular BBC of course )

The knack is indeed as the wise daughter says ,, to only switch on when there is something you REALLY want to see !

Now if we could all do that, the TV companies might finally get the message and start the pendulum moving again ... let's all join in and start our country Dumbing UP !

It's the way he tells them !!

For those of you who don't already know ,,, I'm quite keen on the odd game of golf !

In fact I'm currently a member of the Cowglen Seniors Group and on the Committee ,,,

Wee Club Secretary no less, and this year also Vice Captain, so I'm quite active !!

Last night we had the Captain over for dinner ( see, I'm a social climber too obviously ! )

Mein Capitaine, ( all salute here ) one James McNamee of the Royal Irish / American McNamees, commonly known to all who know & love him as "Smackmaknee" is something of an old codger !

Currently out of the game with a "bad back" Jim is missing many of his golf days ,,,

He was telling us all about his back problem last night over dinner ; seems this ailment just came about "out of the blue" ,,, ( and him a Celtic man ! ) no actual moment when he did the damage ,, just woke one morning with severe pain in his coccyx area ,, and we all know how painful a sore coccyx can be ( or kok-six as it's shown for pronunciation in the dictionary .,.,,. yeah, ok, I admit it ,, I had to spell check this one !! Ouch as they say !

Anyway he's a very fit 77-year old, generally in the best of health but over the years he has had his little moments .,,. so,

He also told us of the time when his "Prostrate" was giving him some problems ,,, ( and this was nothing to do with lying on a board to help the back ! ) He could only take his late wife into town once he had planned a route around the public loos, & on the golf course he navigated his ball via well kent trees !! He finally had to see the Doc. who sent him for examination at the local hospital. Lying on a table spreadeagled with a doctor and nurse gazing up his ,, eh manhood ,, another wee lassie holding his hand, for no anaesthetic is used in this procedure .,,. ouch again !

A tube / camera inserted he then explained they had taken a wee "Autopsy" from his bladder region and sent it off for analysis !!

Fortunately they found nothing worse than a couple of "stones in the bladder" which were quickly removed ,..,.,

He can now complete a full 18-holes of golf without the need to visit a single tree .,,.,

Strange then that he still hits the ball that way !!

In the same vein, the other members of our committee, all 9 of them in fact, have great difficulty with the new competition I organised for them last year ,.,.our Winter Eclectic .,.,

This is referred to variously each month as the Electric, the Ecelectric, the ecleptic, the ecalectic, you name it ,,, seems I'm the only one who's ever heard the bloody word !

Well, I survived !

We've just had a long family weekend at CenterParcs ( it still offends me writing about this patently American joint ! It should of course read CENTRE PARKS UK ! )You know the place ,,, the forest in the Lake District where all the hidden log cabins are almost identical and all the activities are almost un-affordable !!

The place where drinks and food cost a bit of an arm & a bit of a leg as well !

The Cp marketing team seem to have thought up every possible way to screw as much out of every last customer as is humanly possible ,.,.

Take a family of say, 2-adults and four kids and let them try, say half a dozen activities each over the period and guess what ? ,,, Yeah you need to re-mortgage the house to pay for it all !!

Anyway it went remarkably well considering ,,, considering what you might ask ?

Well, there was a LOT of us ,,, 11 to be exact ! .,,. and being closly tied together for a longish period of time like this did have me a little concerned ,, I worried I might kill one ( or more ) of my beloved grandkids ?,,, or would I fall out with, or fall foul of, one of my beloved children or their spouses ? Would I take all my frustrations out on my dearly beloved wife and make her weekend a misery ?

Well amazingly No, on all counts ,,, the weekend went pretty well .,,. none these things happened ,, no disagreements, no hysteria, kids all had great fun ,, the most affordable activities seemed to keep the kids happy ,, ( the sub tropical pool complex is wonderful ,,, and FREE ! .,,. sadly the only freebie on site !! ,.,. well apart from the Baby Basketball !! )

And even the wife is still talking to me so ,,, a result I guess !

Maybe we'll do it again one day ,..,., ? or maybe not !!! :):):)

Hey, It's me ,,, I'M Officially ... The Professional !

Me & the wee wuman went to a wedding on Friday .,.,

It was wan o' thon "duty" doos that ye generally don't really fancy but the bride's Maw & Da are oor pals so ,, whit kin ye dae ?

We went, naturally ,,, ( cost me a wee fortune as well, whit wi' a cheque tae the Bride & Groom and a brand new outfit fur 'erself .,,.

Aye, fae the drawers oot !

Whit aboot me yur askin' yersel ? Naw, I just shifted masel intae the same auld suit, shirt, tie, shoes ,, oh and ma Douglas soaks ! )

Aboot a day ,, mibbie two, afore the weddin', the Faither o' the Bride 'phoned us ,,,

Dae us a wee favour he says tae ma better hauf ,,, get Dougie tae bring his camera and take a few pictures fur us.

Och, Nae problem says she ,, he'd be bringin' it onyway ,, he'll want tae take a few fur us tae !

So along we go ,,,

It's all happening in the Glasgow Registry Office in posh Park Circus ..

A select number of the more "important" guests have been invited to witness the proceedings here in the Poash Hoose, you know, Brothers, Sisters, Mums, Dads, Granny ,, Best Man ,, Bridesmaid ,, the usual lot !

Oh aye, and us ,, me & the beloved !?

I wander into the place after the happy couple arrive, camera in hand, doing my thing !

The Registrar Lady approaches me as we go up the stairs to the chosen suite for today's extravaganza ! Ah, she says, you're the Official Photographer I believe ?

Who, me ? ,,, Naw, naw, naw, I'm just a family friend with a camera !

Oh, she says ,, I thought ,,,,,, Mmmmm ....

Well anyway, she says, when we get to the "I Do" room ,, I'll show you where you'll get the best vantage points for your photos ,,, ???? Oh thanks says I .,.,., So I'm all set ... "Here comes the Bride" music starts and there I am ,, at the ready ,, best position in the room !! Hey, wait a minute, me-suddenly-thinks ,,, where IS the Official Picture Taker for this do ??

Wee Jim, a brother of the Bride ( and hey what a misnomer that has turned out to be ! He's only gone & turned into Johnny Vegas since I last saw him ) is huddled in a corner with a tiny little hand held camcorder .,., doing his thing, one handed ! ...

so there's him ,, or there's ME !!

The Registrar wuman does her bit .,,. the happy couple are pronounced M & W ...

and I'm invited to photograph them signing the log-book ! ( Is this the first MOT I wonder ,,, Married on Time ? ) & then to come upstairs to the photo balcony !!

I'm still trying to come to terms with my role here when I sense I'm being shouted at ,,,

Can the Official Photographer please get up here ahead of the newlyweds .,,.,.

I'm still looking about me when I'm grabbed from behind by the self same Registrar ,,

C'mon she says ,, Upstairs ,, quickly ,,, Yvonne ( the Bride that is ) tells me ..

YOU ARE HER OFFICIAL PHOTOGRAPHER, and there you were, trying to kid me on that you weren't ,, !! Ha, she tells me, the Nikon gave you away !

Honest, that's how it all turned out .,., I was IT !! The Official Professional .,.,Gulp !!

Well after that what could I do ,.,.? I just got down to work .,.,.,

A Photo Album in my day was maybe 20 photos ,,

This one turned out some hours later, and with a full compliment of pals, work colleagues, neighbours etc, at the evening affair, to take shape at about 350 photos !!

All edited, enhanced, cropped, red-eye removed and burned onto discs ,,,,

by my able assistant, The Beloved ,..,,. and all supplied to the happy couple ( 4-copies please ) FREE of course !

That's how they do things in Clydebank obviously .,., but hey, did I mention ,,,

It turned out to be a brilliant day ,, great wedding, good dinner, loads of fun, dancing, singing, craic, and drinking of course ,, a fantastic DJ & late night Buffet for afters .,.,

Really glad we went. We had a ball !

It'll NEVER happen !

My wee Tuesday night drinking girlfriend, Connie, is very down at the mo'.

His beloved old Ssangyong Musso Jeep , involved in a recent mishap, (not of his making he insists !) has now finally been "written off " .,,. far too old at almost 7-years and with some 60,000 miles on board, to even be considered for a £4900 repair !! Ouch :( ,.., new doors required from dealers down South, wings etc, from far away Korea ? and heavy labour charges made it completely non viable to the Insurance Co.

The garage assessing the damage have told him the car will not be returned to him for it's now in an illegal state and cannot be driven ( although he's been driving it for nigh on 3-weeks since the accident ! ) They've also now sent an engineer from the garage to take back the courtesy car they had loaned him !

He removed all the parts near to his heart yesterday ( including his personal number plates ) and said a tearful goodbye to his old pal in the junk yard .,.,.,

Now here's the real rub !

He now has to get up at 6-30am to WALK to the station to get a train into town that gives him time to then WALK to his office .,,. and of course the whole reverse procedure at night .,,.,. and for this privilege he gets to pay the train company £5 PER DAY ! That's £25 a week or £100 a month ,,,

Now for that amount of petrol in the jeep ( which incidentally was a Gas Guzzler ) he could travel all month ANYWHERE and at a more suitable time of day !! ( remember this is a guy that REALLY likes his kip ! )

So this is the Government's idea of environmental awareness, carbon footprinting, saving the Planet ,, in practice ?

They want us to stop using the convenience of the car and instead use their brilliant new Public Transport system ,..,,.

at un-Godly, un-reliable hours and laughably ridiculous expense .,,. oh and sharing with mobile phone users, breakfast munchers and lap top junkies !

Aye that'll work .,,.,. NOT !

In politics, absurdity is not a handicap. - Napoleon Bonaparte