Wednesday, October 25, 2006

It Happened at the Seniors Prizegiving Night !

It started out so well ... all us good ole buddy golfers met at 5.00pm for a little aperitif and chat, after our early morning game, played for the last trophy of the season.
Dinner was set for 50-odd guys, to commence at 5.30.
The drink flowed ,,, just a pint of Guinness was my opening gambit ,,, It had been so long since my last one ,,I would maybe have a glass of wine with dinner and that ,, as they say ,, would be that ! The best laid plans eh ? ,.,.,.
Would you like a wee Glenmorangie Dougie ? someone asked ,,,, Well ok, just the one then ,,,
"Gentlemen ,,, Dinner is Served" was announced ,,, we took our drinks to our table and before even the soup had arrived there was one of those complimentary bottles of Whisky doing it's rounds ,,, And a whisky glass in front of you meant only one thing ,,, it needed topping up !
Ok then, my subconcious told me ( for I was still capable of thought at that point ! ) I'll simply give up the wine with dinner and no more Guinness of course, that would be folly indeed !
So we ate, we chatted, we told jokes ( well Willie Dickie did that ! ) we applauded the winners of all the cups and assorted trophies ( yes including mine ,,, the famous Millennium Cup came to the Scudder once again )
Then the singing began ,,, Big Ollie arrived and set up his equipment ,,, He did just the one number and then turned ghostly white and rushed off stage throwing up as he ran,.., into his infamous "Beenie Hat " ,,,,, And he's Tee-Total !!
So the night's entertainment didn't quite hit the heights of our past doo's ,,, singing became something of a challenge with no accompanist !! Nevertheless the singers came, they performed and they passed on ( most not literally of course ) ,,,,,
Some time later Ollie returned ,,, but still only a ghostly reflection of his usual self. ( He obviously wanted his money so battled on like the trouper he is ! )
By now the beer and whisky were in full flow ,,, some 11 -complimentary bottles were doing their thing ! It flowed like it was Chicago in the Prohibition era ,,,, My Guinness and whisky glasses were constantly full ,,, I could make no impression on them, much as I tried !!
Until ,,,,, I apparently decided to go ,,,, somewhere ,,, maybe the loo, maybe for a walk,,, maybe home ,,, I sure as hell don't know ,,,
Next thing I remember ??? my darling wife putting me in her car and driving me home.
Next morning I came to in bed ,,, blood all over the pillow ?? ,, a dull thought entered my head ,, I remembered falling down ... Jesus, had I maybe lost my wallet, keys, specs, out of my pocket when I tumbled over ?? Hey, did I fall or was I mugged ?? I stumbled out of bed and ran ,,, well ,,, staggered slowly to the end of the bed to check my suit pockets .,.,., Shit, empty ,,, Oh hell ,,, I now picked up pace and downstairs I rolled ,,,
Ah, heaven be praised ,,, wallet, keys, glasses ,,, all intact on the mantlepiece,,,,,, Phew !!
Back up to bed ,,,, I lay there for quite a time trying to fill in the gaps ,,, How and why did I leave the club, how did I get home ,,, no recollection of any of it ,,, last thing I remember was Jim Dowie singing one of my favourite Sinatra numbers ,,, then someone drew down the blinds .....
Oh, and I've lost my silver Cup ! The Millennium Trophy is nowhere to be found ! ( significantly however the cheque that comes with the prize was safely tucked away in the wallet ! ,,,, not totally drunk then ? )
Today ( after a yesterday spent in recovery ) I returned to the scene ,,,
It appears I was not alone ,,,, very few of my compatriots remember much of Monday night !
However a few details were filled in ,,,, another member's wife waiting in her car to pick up her drunk saw me leave ,, or try to leave ,,
Apparently I smashed my head off the metal railings at the entrance to the car park ,,, I was using my mobile 'phone at the time she said ,,,, staggering wildly back and forth and trying to hold on at the same time ,,, and after the head collided with the railings I fell over backwards ,,, ( that'll explain the sore bum then ,,, and the quite severe cut and lump on my head ! ,.,.but I managed to get up again "all by myself" ,.,. ( as a little friend of mine would say )
My friend and only sober companion of the night ( one Smackmaknee ) began to miss me after a while and spent the rest of his night looking all round the place trying to find me ,,, in all the loos, the showers, the clubhouse changing rooms, both up and downstairs, outside on the course even ! ,,, ( hey, stoopid, I didn't have my clubs with me !! ,,,,, but I had by this time disappeared ,,, and was safely tucked up in bed !
And the good news to finish ?,,, The Millennium Cup was safely locked away in the Trophy cabinet awaiting my return ,,,,,
So all's well that ends !!
And needless to say ,,,, NEVER AGAIN :)

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Ho Ho, Nearly as good as the Ryder Cup ,,, Hampden becomes the Park de Triompheeeeeee ,,,, YES !

As Elvis used to say ,, aye and the great Johnny Ray long before him ,,
"It was a night ,,, Oh, What a Night it was ,, it really was, such a night !!"
I was watching it with my beloved ( and half French ) grandchildren ,,, their Mommy having deserted them for the high life in NYC and their Papa for work ( or maybe he just had a premonition of the doom that was to come ? ) ,,,,
The littler one, the fabulous and unique Charlotte was easily converted from her stance ,,,
" France will win 3-2 ,,, to ,, well I don't really care anyway ,, I'll play with my wee cousin Gordon ,,, Oh and it's too warm in here ,, I'm just gonna take off this Zidane football top !! "
Marcel however, the older and wiser, would not be moved ,,, "We'll thrash your Scotland team Pumpa, he told me ,, 6-0 was his opening gambit as he came in the door ,,,, that was modified at half time to, well maybe 3-0 ,,, then it was out and out defiance as desperation set in ,,, well 1-0 then he told me ,, chin thrust out in my face ,,,
UNTIL, that fateful moment when Scotland stood the world on it's head ,,,
We went into the lead ,,, I leapt out of my chair screaming ,,,Yabadabadooo we ara peepelll ,,,
Just about in time I turned to see the wee man ,,, devastated, alone with all these heathens, and with the lower lip all a quiver ,,, but defiant still ,, and French to the core for the full 20 remaining minutes.
When the referee blew that final whistle he was so brave ,,, fighting hard to keep the tear from his wee eye he hissed at me ,,," Just wait 'till we get you in Paris Pumpa ! "
I tried hard not to show it ,, but he's got me really worried !!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

"If we quit voting, will they all go away?"

A car bumber sticker I saw that says it all for me !
But seriously, isn't it high time that Politicians were made responsible for their outbursts ,,, BY LAW ? I mean, if lies in office were made punishable by jail ,,, that would rid us of both the Labour and Tory parties right away ,,, but it might also make the bastards stop and think before opening their gobs ? However it's still not as good a cure as the old maxim ,,,
Anyone who expresses a wish to go into politics should be forever banned from doing so !
And so say all of us ?
A wee joke to underline my opinion of Politicians Country Politics :

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate.
Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Bang !

Now hear this :
A story in The Herald last week – about soldiers claiming compensation for the excessive noise caused by their guns – reminded a reader of Brigadier Howard Jordan, former chief executive of Scottish Engineering, and an army career man, who assured him that the ailment soldiers got from firing rifles was called gunner ear !! I would have thought, after repeating the name of the ailment quickly, that it seemed a wee bit of an anti-social sort of complaint. But then again, they are soldiers and I suppose it is a little anti social to shoot people ?!!