Saturday, January 30, 2010

As if there's not enough stupidity in the world already !

Enter PC Plonker Plod !
Aka Shiny Buttons.
This is the bloody no-brain fool who booked a motorist for blowing his nose in his car !!
Forget all the nonsense of whether the car was in neutral, with the handbrake on .,.,
It's time we told the do-gooder-brigade, health & safety, Bureaucracy-gone-mad team (again) that anybody capable of driving can manage to do such simple chores whether the car is in gear or out .,., we understand how clutch & foot brake work ! ( and we can also light a ciggie, change a Cd, talk to our passengers, check a Sat Nav screen and lots more whilst driving safely, but I won't go into further detail lest any children be reading :-)
However here's a link for grown up people !! ( not Plod obviously ! )
This is the same clown incidentally who booked another of the public (who pay his damned wages) when the unsuspecting guy dropped a tenner on his way out of a shop !
He was deemed a Litter lout .,.,., ! Give me strength !
Who let this idiot on the Force ? And why is he not now on the dole ??
His mammy should put him over her knee and skelp his stupid arse.

And if this case should ever go to court I would love to see EVERY motorist in Britain sit in their car on the day and get out the hankies .,.,
Let's hear it for the dumbest cop in my lifetime .,.,
Big blow now !!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Dress Circle ?

The beloved was commenting the other night that we have lost a few of our closer friends over the years .,., some through death, some through neglect but nevertheless our "inner circle" was definitely dwindling !
Time to perhaps add some new friends ? Not a bad idea I'm thinking, so watch out all you unsuspecting readers out there .,., we may well drag you into the "circle" and once in, there's no way out other than the above mentioned ( undesireable ) neglect or DEATH !!

She also nudged me again in the direction of "going out" of an evening !
Movies, theatres, pubs, restaurants, you know the kind of thing ? Again I agreed wholeheartedly. Let's do it ,, more often if not regularly ?
So, this very morning I opened up the Glasgow Theatres "guide," the Concert Hall "what's on," the movies currently doing the rounds .,., in short I'm on a mission !

Gees, I wonder how she's gonna react when I give her the list of up-coming "events here in the 2nd. city of the Empire !" Jes-us ,, this you simply won't believe .,., well I don't !

Offerings from The Pavillion over the next month or two include ; Dorothy Paul ( Once more .. again ! ,, that says it all Dot ! ) Ken ( f**king spare us ) Dodd ! , Sydney ( bloody) Devine ( is he no' deid yet ? ) Dean Park ( good but if you've seen him wance ! ) an evening with Larry ( who? ) Lamb ( Oh that scintillating deid actor from Eastenders ,, what the hell's he gonna do on stage for 2-hours ? ) The Hairy Bikers ?? ( ditto ,, mibbie cook the audience a meal ? ) ,,, then it gets worse ,, aye WORSE ,,, Showwaddywaddy, Jethro Tull, Christian ( now he's definitely deid surely ? ) Joe Longthorne ( he was dying years ago ! ) American Wrestling ( eh ? )
Then there's the sound ( nothing ) like groups ,, Abba, T-Rex, Roy Orbison, Johnny Cash .,.,
Oh and wait for it ,, the absolute end ,, and deid for sure ,, The Magic of Scotland with ,,,
Yep,,, The Alexander Brothers .,., I repeat .,., JESUS !!
Why no' just shut down the theatres ?

The Concert Hall is nae better ,, Celtic connections ( hopeless for wan hauf o' Glesca onyway ? ) Transatlantic connections ( and they Yanks cannae even play fitba')
Oh or Chinese New Year celebrations ?.,.,
Maybe Anton & Erin takes your fancy ? Naw, mine neither !
But of course there's always the BBC Orchestra doing the well loved Schumann !! ( C'mon )

The Kings is possibly even worse ,,, Oodles o' Ballet or a host of "alternative" ( that means swearing a lot ) comedians ?

Oh tae hell ,, Let's do the cinema then I thought ;
Would you believe Alvin & the (bloody) Chipmunks, ( the Squeakquel !! ), Toy Story II ( in 3D ! ), Avatar or Astro Boy ?

Have I just been unlucky and picked the wrong season ??
Or ( oh shit nawwww ,,, ) is this what I've got to look forward to forever more in our places of entertainment ?? HELPPPPP !!! Stop the World ,,, A waant aff .

Monday, January 25, 2010

Fur Rabbie .. wi' love

A've bin threatenin' tae dae this at oor Golf Club Burns Nicht for years ,,,
Wan o' they nichts am gonnie pluck up the courage .,.,
Or dae a mean A'll drink up the courage :-) Whitever .,.,
Mibbie get flung oot oan ma ear though ?
Therr's an afae loat o' real Burns fans oot therr ???
Och whit the hell .,., here goes ! Whit dae ye think .,., ?

Tae a Fert !

O' whit a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Jist as ye sit doon, amang yer kin
Ther sterts tae stir an enormous wind

The neeps an tatties an mushie peas
Stert wurkin' lik a gentle breeze
But soon the pudin' wi the sauncie face
Ill huv ye blawin a' ower the place

Nae maitter whit the hell ye dae
Abody's gonnae huvtae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a wee bullet oot a rifle

Haud yer bum ticht tae the cherr
Tae try tae stoap the leakin' err
Shiftie yersel fae cheek tae cheek
An' pray tae Goad it disnae reek

But aw yer efforts go asunder
Oot it comes lik a' clap o' thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me, a sonic boom !

Goad almichty it fairly reeks
Hope a' huvnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog a' better hurry
Aw whit the hell, its no ma wurry

Abody roon aboot me chokin
Wan or two ur' nearly bokin
A'll feel better noo fur a' while
Cannae help but raise a smile

Wis him ! aw shout wi' accusin glower
Alas too late he's jist keeled ower
Ya dirty bugger they shout an' sterr
A dinnae feel welcome ony merr

Wherr ere ye go, let yer wind gan free
Sounds lik' jist the joab fur me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's perty
Ower the sake o' wan wee ferty


Gericrumbles to a man !

Down at the Golf Club, just for a wee change ! .,.,
I was complaining today about my sore hip, which is giving me gyp !
( Note that wee bit of poetry there on Burns Night ! )
I was told in no uncertain fashion to belt up since I was one of the lucky ones .,., I was one of the Seniors "younger" members and one who was still "intact" !!
I decided to take a snap poll. ( never expecting the result which follows ! )
We were gathered round a table with some 12 golfers in attendance.
Of that lot there were only four who had all their original bones !
The rest ( 8 of 12 ! ) had either a new hip, new knee, or some of each .,.,
The next table had two missing players of their usual 4-ball today ,,, one recovering from a replacement hip job, the other waiting to go in for his !!
Of the two at the table one had had a heart attack about a year ago and the other has had recent eye surgery !
The table on the other side had old Ken .,., suffering badly these days from arthritis .,., He is the guy who walks round the course most days with his dog in tow ,,, it sits tight to the ground when a ball is being struck, then races after his master's ball, circling it after each shot like the Red Indians would a stagecoach, but never ever touching it. ( well trained golfing pooch ! )
Old Ken is now very, very slow and believe it not so is the damned dog ,,, for it too is apparently suffering arthritis in it's old age !! This sight has to be seen to be believed but I swear it's the truth !
Others of our group, but missing today, include, a stroke, three heart attacks, two hips & a knee ( waiting for the 2nd. one ! ) another hip, a bad back and a transplanted kidney !
Oh and a Bagpipe player !! and two other guys wi' deaf aids !!
I don't think I'm in a healthy place right now ?
Geriatrics .,., I mean Gericrumbles tae a bloody man the lot o' them !

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Some movies can make you Suicidal !

Watched "The Hours" last night.
I've been a sort of latent Virginia Woolf fan for a long time and read her classic Mrs. Dalloway some years ago .,., a difficult read but well worth the effort.
Mrs Dalloway was the key element of the plot of both the Michael Cunningham novel The Hours and its subsequent screen adaptation. Cunningham's title was derived from Woolf's original title for Mrs Dalloway of course.
His novel won the 1999 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction, the 1999 PEN/Faulkner Award for Fiction, and was later made into this Oscar-winning 2002 movie.
Oh to write such a book !!
The way the movie plot is intertwined with the original novel and Virginia Woolf's own life is both masterful & wonderful. The intricate detail is in every frame if you know where to look.
The movie starred Nicole Kidman as VW, the amazing Meryl Streep as Clarissa ( Dalloway/ Vaughan ) & Julianne Moore as Laura Brown.
VW's war casualty, Septimus Smith, is replaced by the modern day Aids victim, poet Richard but the suicide outcome remains the same.
The movie left me completey drained emotionally and close to tears but what a joy .,., I must watch this movie again ( and maybe again ! )
I recommend it unreservedly, but would urge you, if you haven't already read it, to first read VW's Mrs. Dalloway.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I see the funny season has begun again ,,

And it's begun in earnest this year !
Some clown in Aberdeen is only trying to sell a hole in the ground !
Yours for only an offer over £30,000 .,., Hahahaha you have to hand it to them ? With entrepreneurial skills like this they'll "be millionaires by this time next year !!"
A mere 30 grand plus and you could be the proud owner of not only an old clapped out granite quarry but also the biggest (man-made) hole in all of Europe .,.,
Woop-de-doo, just what I've always wanted !
Phewwwww, thank God I don't have a spare 30 big ones lying around ,, I might just have been tempted !

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

So, I'm a Pumpa yet again !

The daughter finally gave birth to the new we'an on Mon 11th. at 9-10am
She weighed in at 9lbs-10oz .,.,note the Time : Weight ratio here !
And note also all you Maths nerds ,, she's a Binary Babe ! 11.01.10
I wonder if this now qualifies me for "Super-Pumpa" status ?
Dougie, Master of the Grand Order of Super Pumpas ??
This question follows a chat with my eldest grandson many years ago which went something like this :-
He explained to me one day while we were sitting alone … the 7- ages of man ! ….
He was about 4- years old at the time !
Pumpa ? ! ( well it was a question and an exclamation all at the same time ) he suddenly announced ,
You know what ?? ( a favourite expression of his )
First you're a baby, then you’re a tweenie , then next you become a biggie, then a schoolboy, then a papa ,,,, and then you’re a pumpa
But that’s only six things I told him solemnly ….
There’s supposed to be seven ages of man ???
What comes after a Pumpa ??
He turned to face me , put his hands on his wee hips in that very special way he does, and shrugged his shoulders in what can only be described as his “ French shrug ! “… and said ….
Poouff … that’s it !
Arghhhhhhhhhh .,., My next step is …… Poouff !!… you’re deid pumpa !
I tried to explain to him that I didn’t really like this “ ending “ since I was already a pumpa and therefore had little time left in his “Cycle of Life”

A few days later he came back to me with this amended version :-
Pumpa , D’you know what ?
No I said , …. What ?
Ist you’re a baby
2nd you’re a Tweenie
3rd you’re a biggie ……
( all of this of course being the various stages of Nursery life )
4th pumpa, you’re a schoolboy
and 5th you get to be a papa
6th You’re a Pumpa ( and all the while he laboriously counted them off on his little fingers.
I had no idea where we were going with his theory this time or whether he’d simply forgotten that he’d told me all this before .
then he finally reached his goal …. All his own thinking too apparently !
7th you get to be a super pumpa !! AND…..
8th Then you become a super, brilliant Pumpa !!!
Well I suppose that gives me a goal to aim for …. For patently I’m not there yet !
Ahhhhhh … That’s my Boy ! he just knew I hadn’t liked the previous ending at Pumpa !!
But 8-stages of man ???? Ah why the hell not ?
Maybe if I ever reach that exulted stage he’ll add another for me ?

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Another cracker from our brilliant Government ?

Spotted in a very small inside column in yesterday's newspaper.
The government is making plans to offload millions of doses of swine flu vaccine amid predictions that a "third wave" of the pandemic is unlikely to happen.
Well who'd have believed it ?
Offload it to whom I would ask ???
This was supposedly a WORLD Pandemic so was the UK the only country to buy this stuff ??
If not, then I repeat .,., to whom are they going to sell it ?
The Martians, or some "other worldly" race perhaps ??

Options (apparently) include selling surplus vaccine ??? or donating it to poorer countries !
Ahh, so we've wasted the British taxpayers money yet AGAIN ?
Cases of swine flu have now dropped dramatically to well below what is usually seen in winter flu outbreaks. ie, they were all WRONG ! AGAIN !!

And if there was a buyer in outer space then they've missed that boat too .,., since last week France announced it was selling millions of doses of their swine flu vaccine after finding they had more than enough to cope with any outbreak.

Oh but wait for it .,., here come the excuses .,.,
We have to keep a stockpile for ourselves because we don't know what's going to happen in 2010 .,., Hahahaha, like we KNEW what was going to happen at the start of every other year ??
So, by that reckoning we're also gonna have to stockpile anti-every-other unknown disease serum in case it happens in 2010 ?
If there was a resurgence we would look very foolish if we had disposed of a valuable stockpile. ( Hey, I've got news for you .,.,.,.,., )

Michael Summers, vice chair of the Patient's Association, said it would have been a "dereliction of duty" if the government had not ordered enough vaccine to cover everyone.
Oh, Let's make sure this one never gets into Government for God's sake .,.,!!
But he added, there were "lessons to be learnt" about negotiating contracts of this size.
Oh shit ,, he's already one of them !
Professor David Salisbury, head of immunisation :
The UK bought 60m doses of swine flu vaccine from GSK and 30m from Baxter.
An official figure for the cost of the vaccine to the UK has never been given but it is likely to run into hundreds of millions. ( that's 100's of MILLIONS of OUR money !)
And they accused the bankers of mismanaging our funds !!

In addition to selling or donating vaccine, another option under consideration is to keep supplies of the vaccine adjuvant, the booster chemical which is produced separately from the vaccine, to use in future pandemics. It has a shelf life of five years !
What future pandemic ?.,., when's the last time we had a pandemic ?.,., certainly more than 5-years ago .,., so what this actually translates into is simply this .,.,
By the time they come to dispose of it ( down the proverbial pan ) they'll think we'll all have forgotten, ( like they think we've forgotten their illegal expenses claims ) & of course they will no longer be in power and so will gleefully blame the next lot !!
Tee-hee-hee .,., what fun games these Politicos play !
Anybody got a spare wall we can line them up against ?

Friday, January 08, 2010

Come back Heather ,, all is forgiven !

Jesus it's cauld ! I don't remember a caulder day than this one and I've lived through quite a few ! Last night apparently, Scotland was as cold as the South Pole .,., I believe it !! Brrrrrrrrrrrr ..... I thought this was the Soo' Side, no' the Soo' Pole !
For the first time ever, well in the 37-years we'd lived in this house, we have a frozen pipe .,., :-(
Our small downstairs toilet, on the porch, ( that's inside of course ! ) is on the only outside wall not protected by cavity wall insulation and it feels a bit Baltic in there .,., the radiator in the wee'est room is just no' man enough to do the business obviously !!
Brrrrrr .... -23* C .,., When is it gonna end ? We Scots are no' made for these conditions .,.,
Nae chains for oor car tyres, nae furry boots, nae skis, nothin' ..,.,
and if you'll notice, it's all happened only since oor wee Heather ( the weather ) went away !!
Even the maddest of golfers can't play in this .,., and yeah, I'm one of the maddest so I know what I'm talking about !
Let's start a petition to get the BBC to "Bring Back Heather" .,.,
Judith, much as we lust after you, you've obviously simply not got Heather's weather gift ?

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Prevaricating Politicians .,., Aye, so what else is new ?

The scorn and anger against the Islamic group planning a protest march with coffins through Wootton Bassett, the village renowned for honouring troops killed in Afghanistan, has intensified with Gordon Brown saying he is “personally appalled” by the prospect.

David Cameron, the Conservative leader, has condemned the proposed march by these people as “completely unacceptable”,

Chris Grayling, the shadow home secretary, called for the group to be banned, accusing it of wanting to “whip up hatred”.
He added: “I have already called for members of this group to be prosecuted for some of their activities and the Government should now ban this group altogether.”

East Kilbride Labour MP Adam Ingram, a former armed forces minister, told The Herald: “It is an outrage that people should even consider besmirching the good name of our service personnel in such a way. “This march and demonstration have no place in our democracy.”

Wiltshire Police said the force was aware of the “significant community concern” caused by the proposed march and could “in exceptional circumstances” apply to have it banned

What's wrong with these idiot Politicians ? Do something about it then !!
It's bloody simple as far as I'm concerned .,.,.,
­Islam4UK, a branch of the extremist al Muhajiroun movement,who are planning to have 500 members parading with empty coffins, symbolising Muslim victims, – should be lifted by our Special Branch MI5/6 and DEPORTED, and without any need for costly trials either .,.,.,
It's high time these foreign extremists were told ,,
THIS IS OUR COUNTRY and we don't want you here.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Rant time 2010 has begun !

I know we all live in the same world but how often do we stop and look at what's going on ?
The stupidity surrounding us is quite staggering at times ,, in fact most of the time !
I sight a few examples from today's newspapers .. but it could be ANY day's papers !

We're so surprised at having snow in winter in the UK that we're now about to run out of grit and salt .,., yep, and with at least another 10-days of freezing conditions and more white stuff falling .,., we can't find any grit !! Prepare to stay home !!

New security at our (Western ) airports means we will soon need to check in 3-hours ahead of flying !! Seems to me like the Terrorists have won the war ? No way will I be spending 6-hours in airports just to prove I'm not carrying a bomb in my boxers ! ( Yeah it's the same on the homeward journey ! )

Here's a goody .,., if you're ever caught speeding .,., always insist on seeing the Calibration Certificate for the camera used .,., chances are it's way out of date and you'll walk, with your driving licence still intact ! Thank you Dougie !!

More good news .,., the Recession ( that man made Banker ruse that's been used to rob us all .,., again ) will begin to end in the Spring ! We're to recover some later in the year .,.,
Oh goody, just in time for the next batch of lying, cheating, thieving, expenses driven MP's taking over as Government ! Tories this time round ?,,, Wow, what a difference that'll make :-(

Last item today ,,, Have you ever read through the COMPLETE list of New Year's Honours ?
I have ,, today ,, first time ever ! And last time ever !,,, But I do urge you .,., cast an eye over this lot .,., thousands of them .,., it's absolutely unbelievable .,., both the number and the reasons for their "honours." .,., You'll find them ALL in today's Glasgow Herald.
Here's just a wee selection ,,,

Bar to RVM : Anthony John Hardingham, RVM, Tractor Driver, Sandringham Estate.

Glen Andrew Beveridge, Executive Butler, Government House, Melbourne. Mrs Patricia Joyce Earl, Housekeeper, Sandringham House. Constable Kevin Gande, Metropolitan Police. For services to Royalty Protection. Mrs Andrea Elizabeth Hudson, Cook, Royal Lodge. Miss Beverley Jones, Assistant Dresser to The Queen. George David Main, Gamekeeper, Balmoral Estate. David James McIntosh, Security Office Team Leader, Palace of Holyroodhouse. Mrs Vivienne Oates, Linen Room assistant, Buckingham Palace. Richard Sands, Yeoman Warder, HM Tower of London.

It really is time to rid ourselves of these Royals .,., as far as I can see all they do is take the piss !

Speaking as a Golfer !

Is this weather no’ hellish ?
I’ve completely forgotten now how to address a ball .,., Is it Mr, Mrs, Ms .,.,or Hey You Ba'??
And, the forecast is for MORE OF THIS white stuff for a further bloody fortnight !!
The lovely Judith just isn't doing the job Heather left her !
I can’t take it any more .,.,., I’m off to join the Tiddlywinks Society :-)
At least I can play that game in any kind of weather .,., I think ?
It's either that or "Heid-in-the-Oven" time has come ? mibbie ?
Or mibbie no !
C'mon weather people .,., let's get real .,.,
This is not keeping me fit, nor is it keeping my wee wifie sane !!
Ex Captain & current Secretary of .,.,., eh, nothing !!
PS : Have y'all seen the latest Golf Ad on Sky Sports ,,?
The orchestra conducted by our Ryder Cup Captain ?
Bet you didn't know Big Colin was such a fun guy ??
Dooougie the Scudder