Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Time to get it all off my chest.( a weekly rant is coming )

I've decided that in my old age I'm getting far too ratty, too intense, too angry, too intolerant.
I have too much rage within me to be healthy ,,,, apparently it's embarrassing at times too, to friends & family.
So, I'm just going to, one last time, write down every single thing that upsets me, annoys me, causes my blood pressure to rise and/or generally gets me down.
That way I can (maybe) finally just let it go and be happy again ,, enjoy all that life has to offer ( which is much ! so why waste it in a constant state of annoyance & anger )
Why should I let all this stuff fester inside ( or outside ) me and cause me actual bodily harm ,, for it's bound to in the end isn't it ?,, so therefore once committed to paper this last time that's it ,, I'm letting it all go ,,, onward I go to pastures new & greener.
( or like Buzz Lightyear .. To infinity & beyond ? )
Ok, so here goes ,,, but wait, this list may well run to quite a few days ,, or possibly weeks ,, hopefully not months ,, but who knows ? Maybe I should simply publish and re-visit it on a weekly basis with updates !! Yeah, that's the plan ,,,, TBC and re-visited ,,, often !
Please realise there can be no particular or specific order to this ,.,. it'll come as it comes !!

Firstly then, there is the complete incompetence of our ( and everyone else's ) politicians ,, ipsofacto governments, that band of special men & women who want to run our lives the way THEY see fit ,, these include small town & county councillors, all the way thro' to local & central MP's, Euro MP's and on to so called world leaders !
Christ give us strength ! Why can't these imbeciles ever see what the rest of can see with our eyes wide shut ? I guess it's more important for them to make fast bucks for themselves than to actually serve the people who elected them ?
One last time I say ,, anyone who expresses a desire to enter Politics should be automatically banned for life from actually doing so !

Then there's The Law ,,, I can't make any sense of the completely inadequate sentences passed down to today's criminals ,, nor the crazy parole arrangements ,, get 10 years ,, serve maybe as much as 41/2 and live in comfort while inside all that time !,.,. even get to sue us ( the taxpayers ) for making you slop-out or not being treated to your satisfaction.
When oh when is the pendulum going to swing back ? Get rid of the bloody do-gooders and maybe then we'll get back to proper treatment of the scum in our society ,, criminals should be PUNISHED !

I wonder too what it was we ( parents of my age ) did so wrong in bringing up our kids that todays parents do everything completely opposite to common sense ,.,. why can't they understand that small kids DO actually need some discipline from time to time ,.,. it really didn't do them any harm ,.,. only these same bloody do-gooders have convinced them that to smack a we'an's wee arse when necessary is an act of evil brutality ! Bollocks I say.
And the reason we now have a Nation of teen hoodies and street corner junkies is of course that they don't have any home parents ,, mothers are so much better at bringing up their kids than paid nannies ,,, society started to go wrong when women's salaries were allowed to be added to men's to count towards mortgages ,,,
And of course when we told the local Bobby he could no longer cuff the ear of cheeky kids, school teachers they couldn't control their classrooms anymore ,,, no belt, no detention, no lines ,,, no fear of teacher ,, result ? ill educated hoodlums ,,
I've said it before & no doubt will again ,, " You get what you allow "

Next I turn my wrath on the uglyfying of our beautiful country ,, take for example Electricity Pylons ,.,. what numpty allowed that disfiguring of our countryside ? And what have our politicians learned from these monstrocities ?? Nothing obviously ! ,, for now they want to blot the landscape with even uglier ( and noisy ) bloody wind generators ...

When did the world get taken over by Poofs I wonder ? Why is everything on TV lorded over by these queer people ? We used to lock them up ,.,. they are NOT normal ,, no matter how PC it might be nowadays to say they are ,, It is IMPOSSIBLE to pro-create by Jobby-Jabbing so why are these oddities allowed to shove their vile habits down our throats ,, constantly ?

Now Dentists ,,, how come we get Free prescriptions, free bus passes etc, when we become OAP's but NO FREE dental treatment ,, ? You can't even get decent priced NHS treatment anymore ,, that's if you can actually find an NHS dentist ! ( why was that allowed to happen ? )What makes them special ? I checked online how much I should be charged on the NHS by my dentist for a replacement denture with 5-teeth on it ,,, £68 was the price.
I printed it off and took it to his surgery.
The wee shit said the NHS denture was rubbish and below his "minimum standards" ,, he simply refused to do it ,, his lowest priced NHS option is £173 !! Little bastard thinks his NHS patients should pay for his new BMW obviously ..
Time these people too were reminded that they exist to help the patient, and MUST ( by law ) do NHS work when requested ,,, not just line their own pockets.

Education ? Going down the pan because we encourage the payment of vast sums of money to so called Celebs and football players with ( generally ) not a brain cell between them. These people should not be given a penny 'till they can at least pass the 11+

Religion ,,,? The CAUSE of every conflict on earth ,, now and past.
Should be outlawed forever !

Football ,,, whatever happened to proper attacking footie ? The beautiful game went pear shaped when coaches, ( no strike that daft expression ,, they were Managers ) did away with the team configuration which defined the game ,, this was a 2/3/5 set-up ,,,, 2- full backs, 3- half backs and 5- forwards ,, ie, two wingers, two inside forwards and a centre forward ! It seems that today's managers are so frightened to lose that the game has degenerated into a boring ritual of sideways and backwards passes .,,.,. Only the Brazilians still remember the real game !

And talking football of course brings me to one of the most annoying of my pet hates ,, that of the grammar-less TV pundits, commentators et al. I have absolutely no time for the "I seen and I done" brigade. Where the hell were these people when the rest of us went to school ?? It really annoys me that the BBC, STV and Sky employ these morons and let them loose on young ears to do untold damage. And particularly the BBC because they charge ME for the bloody privilege ! So, I've decided to NAME & SHAME the ignorant ones !

First up we have the otherwise likeable Champagne Charlie ( Nicholas ) but his lack of grammatical correctness just does my head ( and ears ) in ! ( and yeah I know it's bad form to end a sentence with a preposition, thanks very much ! ) Then there's Pat Nevin ,,,,The list just goes on & on ,,, And of course there's my wee Tuesday night pal Con Sharkey ( but there's a good reason for his grammar ,,, he went to the Catholic school where most of the ex-pupils are taught bad ( Irish nun ) grammar.

And how come nowadays that when a news item on TV requires a comment by a member of the public it's ALWAYS a black face that gives it ?? Correct me if I'm wrong but Britain used to be a WHITE country with a few foreign immigrants ? When did we become the second citizens in our own country ? And while I'm at it who let all these bloody Mosques be built here ,,, I don't see any Churches of Scotland in Muslim lands !!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Me and the boy hit the movie house !

Marcel, my big grandson asked me the other day if I'd like to go to the flicks with him ,,,
Well to be absolutely honest, his mother asked me if I'd take him, since me and him could get in for a pensioner and child fee, whereas if she took him she'd have had to pay for herself ( full price adult ) plus her three other kids ,, the big son in question, his little sister & brother and their littler sister ,, yeah the bastards charge for all of them ,, even the littlest at 14 weeks !
All in all it would have cost her £25.95p just to get in !! ,,, and no doubt disrupt the entire proceedings into the bargain, since it wasn't a movie to keep a 14-week old, a 3-year old or an 8-year old amused ,,,,,
It cost me "only" £9.50 so quite a saving ,,, and, she figured I wouldn't mind since my favourite actor was in the movie ,, one Mr. K. Spacey.
She had of course given Marcel the ten quid to pay us both in but since I don't often treat the kids in this way I was more than happy to pay.
Before going in I asked him if he wanted to take in some sweets or drinks or whatever ,, BUT NOT BLOODY POPCORN I said ! The noise that stuff makes would drown out any sound system. Thankfully he said no thanks to all the sweetie stuff and decided just to have a drink ,,
"I'll pay Pumpa" he said ,.,. "Och ok then" says I ,, "it's only a can of coke ,, carry on son ,, I'll have one too."
He shouts to me do I want a small, medium or large coke ... "eh make it medium" I replied ,, not really thinking to ask why we weren't just having a can ?
He comes back over to where I'm standing looking at the prices of the sweetie stuff ,.,. and gives me his change from the tenner to keep in my pocket so's he doesn't lose it .... £4.20p ????
"What's this" I ask .. "The girl's made a mistake" I tell him ,, "it can't possibly be £5.80p for two cokes ...??" .. I head for the counter to check the assistant's arithmetic ,.,. just as Marcel turns to me holding the two "medium" plastic containers of coke !!
Jesus H. Christ ,, you could have a bath in that I exclaimed ... they must have contained at least 2-lites of coke (EACH) ,, possibly even more !
I couldn't believe these were the medium size ,, so I just had to go back to the counter and ask .. DOH ! Is that the correct price ? ,,, and surely these are the large size ??
"Yep that's the price sir" she told me and "Nope ,, the large size is half as large again ,, for the family to share !!" Bloody Nora I thought ,,, "oh thanks" I said !
Well see'n I don't go to the movies very often !
Oh, the movie itself you ask ,,,,, "21" with, as I said before, the brilliant Kevin Spacey ,.,. it was excellent ,, and the kid could have had popcorn too, for the sound systems are a bit better nowadays from what I remember ,,, blow your bloody brains out in fact ,, but very good for an old guy who's half deaf !! And certainly loud enough to drown out any popcorn crunchers !!
All in all a good day ,.,. but next time I'll take a 4x 2 litre pack of coke from Asda and save my wean even more money !!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

See these little bloody Hitlers !

Cheeky, uppity, wee bastards ,,, that's my considered opinion of these little shitfaces that patrol Glasgow ( and no doubt all other ) airports these days.
Somebody gave the idiots a UNIFORM ,,, and by God they're gonna use it !!
Glasgow airport authority of course are the real culprits ,, well them or the bloody Gestapo polis we now have running our "Home Security" .,,.,. Ha, just an excuse for behaving like Hitler's SS.
You can't park now, even in the drop-off parking area ,, for two bloody minutes and miles away from their precious airport terminal, to pick up a tired mother, pulling a heavy suitcase and pushing her baby in a pram ,,, honest to God ,, what IS this country coming to ?
"You can't wait here," the small, overbearingly officious little nerd told me ,,,
"Why no' says I ,,, I've arranged with my daughter to meet me here ,, you don't have a Pick-Up point ,, so here it is !"
"You can park free now in Car Park 2 ,,, for 10-minutes ",, he said ,,
I couldn't help myself ,, I laughed in his wee smug face ,, that didn't help I'm sure ! ,,
" What " says I ,, "A whole 10-minutes ,, Wow ! And your 'planes arrive so exactly on time too ,,,
Don't be so bloody daft ,, 10-minutes to collect a passenger from this airport ,, I'd have to be in and out of there every 10-minutes ( no, make that 8 ,,, 10 & you'd be along to book me no doubt ! ) for at least an hour ,,, makes no sense whatsoever ,,"
"I don't make the rules sur" he said ,,, "but either you move your vehicle ,,( note that ,, not my car ,, my bloody vehicle ,, you know then that you're talking to a mechanically activated wart don't you ? ) or I call the police ,, "
So I moved ! ,,, went round again ,.,. when I got back he had moved on ,,, so I parked again ,,,
I got fully two minutes this time before one of the said Gestapo arrived on his super-duper motorbike ( or should I say two-wheeled-vehicle ? ) This one wouldn't even entertain talking to me ,,, couldn't hear what I was protesting about for all the paraphernalia attached to the over-large helmut on his napper ,,
I moved on ,,, as "instructed" ,.,.
Who do these people think they are ,,, or have I missed something ,,
Are we, in fact, now living in a Police State right enough ?
Last time I checked WE, the people , pay these bastards wages ,,, to serve US, to look after OUR country, NOT terrorise ordinary people going about their daily business.
Time they were reminded of this !
And as for this nonsense at airports ,, it's way beyond time they sorted a proper pick up arrangement ,,, a free 1/2 hour minimum if they want to have any passengers left at all.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Have fun 'babyshitting' btw ;-) ,.,.,. ( she said ! )

Yeah, the daughter ( safely out of the way touring sunny Denmark ) gave me this little throw away line just prior to us going into town to babysit little Gordy-poo ....
How prophetic that remark turned out to be !
Mum & Dad went out to dinner & the Opera ,,, the achingly sad La Madame Butterfly ,,,
But hey, we were pretty sad too after a while :(

Gordy had his red hat on with his green wellie boots ,,, a picture of sartorial elegance when we arrived ,,, but would he take either of these off ?
Not on your bloody life Grandad ...

Firstly he stole ,,, well exchanged perhaps, some of Granny's dinner for his. He dumped some of his burger ( admittedly real Aberdeen Angus coo ) for some of her M & S Chicken Lasagne ... Yuck ,, chicken & lasagne don't go do they ? And certainly not with burger, M & S's or anyone else's !
Next he decided he wanted some of her wine with his dinner ,.,.,
Ha, this wee fella still has a lot to learn about life ,.,. parting Granny from her wine needs a general anaesthetic ,.,.,. and a very good surgeon !!
Me he doesn't even bother asking ...
Anyway, somehow, between him and his Grandmother, the wine glass ended up smashed in 4 or 5 pieces and the wine all over the table ( mine was safely inside my tum by this point :)
Then a little later came bathtime ,,, to be followed by bedtime ( a 3-story night and they must be read by Grandad ,.,.
But GORDY ,.,.,.,. Man U are playing FC Roma in ten minutes ,,,,
The bathtime went well ,, he had done pee-pees in the toilet prior to getting in, so all was well ,,, wasn't it ? Well yeah, right up to the point when he started trying to run ,,, thro' the water from one end to the other ,,,, that was right after I switched on the whirlpool jets in the bath ,,,, hahaha what a fright he got ,,, what a laugh I got ,,,( unknown to me these little jet nozzles retain a little water from the previous run ,,, of course by now, above Gordy's water level, stone cold !
So when I switched them on he got the freezing cold water jets ,, full blast from every angle ,,,,
Oops ,,,
After a minute or two's crying however, he returned to normal frolicking and cavorting about in his tub, throwing toys & stuff out at me ,,,, and then it happened ,,,
As he tried running along the half full bath looking behind him and muttering "Oh No ,, what's happening", I could see this great ,,, eh ,,, turd, following close behind him ,,, then a smaller one, then more ,, and more ,,,
Within seconds the bath was full of the brown stuff ,,,, Ohhhhh Yuk Gordy ,,,
Surely I hadn't frightened the shite out of my little grandson had I ?????
And I'll let you into a wee secret here ,,, I had been toying with the idea of joining him in the bath to try out the new jacuzzi ,,, Phew ,,, what a good decision it was to abandon that idea in favour of the footie ?

I whisked him out PDQ, wiped his bum and dried him off ,, and retired quietly to the bedroom while Gran got to do the old Barlinnie "slop-out" of the bath and all the little whirlpool jets ,,,

Mum & Dad had a good laugh when they came home ,,
Oh ,, He's never done it in the bath before they said in unison ,, a first apparently ,.,. oh goody, goody for us grand-folks !
However the last laugh may well still be ours ,,,, for how well Granny poked out all those little whirlpool jets remains to be seen ,, by whoever next takes an invigorating jacuzzi ,,
Oh to be a fly on that wall ,.,. hahahahahaha ....

Babyshitting just took on a whole new look !

Thanks Phyl ,.,.,.

Friday, April 04, 2008

A few wee crackers from today's newspaper

Ultimate putdown :
OUR dog tales subject reminded a learned friend of the Glasgow police court in the sixties when a bailie, nicknamed Budgie for his rapid-fire delivery, told the owner of a troublesome dog that she would have to control it, and ended by giving her, as he put it, "the usual statutory warning".
He spoke so fast the dog-owner didn't catch it, and she fainted when she asked the clerk of the court what he said, and the clerk replied: "Yer dug's getting shot on Saturday morning."

Staking the obvious
READERS were quite taken with Radio Scotland's report on the fire at the abattoir in Turrif which stated that "no animals were hurt in the fire".
"Just what did the BBC think they were at the abattoir for?" they wondered.

Granny bond :
WE overhear a harassed mother coping with her young daughter at the shops when the young one told her mum: "Granny's nicer to me than you are."
The mother wasn't in the least bit fazed, as she replied: "That's her jobe."

Cold comfort :
SCIENTIST Malcolm Watson held a demonstration at Wonderama, as part of the Edinburgh Science Festival yesterday, to show kids how to make the "coldest ice cream on the planet" using liquid nitrogen.
Malcolm tells us that despite the exciting experiments going on in front of them, there's always one kid who's more interested in asking:
"When you went bald, did it hurt?"

Home truth :
A Dad tells us his teenage daughter had left school and was applying for a job to tide her over before going to college. Under "previous employment" he encouraged her to put "babysitting", to show that she at least had a work ethic.
When he was checking the form for her later, he noticed that after putting in babysitter, the form asked "reason for leaving", and his daughter had written:
"They came home."

Bad timing :
"I managed to make love for an hour and five minutes non-stop at the weekend,"
said the chap in the bar proudly.
"But I later discovered that the clocks had gone forward an hour."
( Hahaha ,,, my big pal was impressed wi' the 5-minutes ! )

Couldn't give a dram :
Linguistic misunderstandings.
Garth Foster from Ayr was in a club in London after a harrowing day and asked for a "double malt whisky".
"Sorry, sir," replied the barmaid. "We only have single malts."

Court controversy
STORIES you wish you had read.
Mohamed al Fayed, stood up at the £7m Diana inquest yesterday and shouted: "April Fool!"
He then added: "You didn't really think I thought the Duke of Edinburgh ordered her murder, did you?"
NO, we're just joshing.
What actually happened yesterday at the inquest was that Lord Justice Scott Baker picked up an envelope from the table, removed three cards from it and read out:
"Henri Paul, with the Mercedes Benz, in the tunnel."

And finally ,,, Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

I knew it ,, just bloody knew it !

£760,000 pay-off for Northern Rock chief.
The golden goodbye for Adam Applegarth, the former head of Northern Rock !
Another bloody reward for failure.
Jesus, what is the matter with this stupid world ?
How do these people get away with it ?
If only I'd been a bit more of a wanker and not so much of a worker, maybe I'd have convinced that wee Yankee bastard owner of MSA to pay me off handsomely too ?
As it was, I'd like to put it on record (again) that the little shit robbed me of what was rightfully my full redundancy money, and to my dying day I'll keep my fingers crossed that he rots in Hell.