Saturday, December 22, 2007

Ha, The We'an just "popped out !"

At last ,,, God at long last ,.,. the we'an finally decided to come out and sample the Scottish winter ,,, So, a nae brain we'an then !
However, after keeping us all on tenterhooks for an inordinately long time she arrived very quickly indeed.
I got the call at 1.30am into Wed. morning ,.,. "Dad, I think we should perhaps go to the hospital now ,,, my waters are splashing about on the floor !!" ( the daddy-to-be of the piece doesn't yet drive hence my involvement )
That reminds me of the Glesca joke ,,,
The wuman calling the emergency services 999 for an ambulance ,,,
"I'm pregnant and need an ambulance quickly " she tells the guy on the other end of the 'phone.
"Where are you ringing from dear," asks the controller ,.,.
"Fae ma belly tae ma bloody feet" came the quick reply !!

Anyway, back to the story ,.,.,.
I raised myself from my cosy bed and out I went into the wind, rain, fog and ice cold night ,.,.
I got her to the Queen Mum's at just before 2-am.
The midwifie person examined her and suggested baby was a few long hours away ; she should go home and return around breakfast time. :)
She ( the daughter that is ) is possibly more experienced than the check-in staff up there and decided she was staying ! She was reluctantly assigned to a General ward.
Next, they tried to evict the father-to-be ,.,. telling him he couldn't stay with her in this general open ward ,, Go home they told him ! Come back tomorrow morning ,, nothing will happen before then ,.,., Ha !
He stubornly refused and sat in the empty, cold waiting room ,.,.
Well of course, you can all guess what happened next ?
Less than 2-hours after I dropped them at the front door, an hour after admission, little baby Anna Bridget Buchanan-Widmann leapt out ,.,. 4.24am to be precise ( which is more than can be said for the Medical staff ! )
Fortunately new dad (-no-longer-to-be ) was right there on the spot, in the labour ward with his beloved and ready with the scissors to cut his beautiful new daughter free from her mum.
7 lbs 8oz ,,, 20"long, healthy and gorgeous ,.,.,.,. see for yourself :)

As Stevie Wonder would say ,,, Isn't she Lovely
Oh and that moniker ,.,. you'll want to know ,.,.it's the most beautiful Xmas present ever for both grandmothers.
Anna is Danish for Ann and Bridget is English for Brita so the we'an has the reverse translation of his Scottish and Danish grannys ,.,.
Isn't that just so lovely and thoughtful of the new parents ?
Welcome to our world little one :)

Monday, December 17, 2007

Terrorist Attacks ,.,. The Spin offs ?

The pregnant daughter still is ,.,.,. pregnant that is !
She's now some days overdue and pissed off with the whole affair ,.,. well maybe ( hopefully ) NOT the affair but you know what I mean ,,,, This bundle she's carrying around everywhere is getting a mite heavy for my wee we'an to lug around !
She's also personna non grata with her new in-laws ,.,. they flew over from Denmark to see their new grandchild ,,, they came a couple of days before baby was supposed to make her appearance and were here for a few days after ,,, alas all to no avail. I have just dropped them back at the airport en route home ,.,. They came, they didn't see and I guess they didn't conquer either ,.,.,. Phyl said they did stare at her huge belly for all the days they were in residence, willing baby to come out to play, but Vikings or no', baby defied them ,.,.the little one already has a sense of humour obviously ,.,. we here all fully expect an appearance now today after the grandparents are safely esconsed back in the land of the great Danes !
Anyway ,,, I am writing here to RANT, not to coo at babies !!
Glasgow airport, as you'll all know, was the target of some really DUMB terrorist activity back a couple of months ago ,.,. you remember, the eejits who couldn't drive a Land Rover thro' a plate glass window without cocking it up !!
Well bravo, the Glasgow airport authority ,,, They've managed to capitalise on this near catastrophe ,.,.,. You now can't get anywhere near the airport front concourse to DROP-OFF passengers ,, not even old folks with multiple suitcases ! Fair enough ,,, no future terrorist bastard will be able to emulate their daft comrades in arms !! But wait a minute ,,,
There apparently is a drop off point ,,, somewhere ?? But you try finding your way to it ,.,.
As you approach the airport old front road ,, where you could drive all the way round, past the entrance ,,, you can no longer do ANYTHING other than be forced into a car-park ,,, and having got yourself in there it costs you £1 to get back out !! Park or not !!
I explained to the machine eating the tickets on the way out that I only passed thro' the bloody car park ,, and only because I was forced into it in the first place ,.,. I wasn't paying !
The machine told me to put in my £1 ,.,. I said I had got out of bed to simply run the Vikings to their 'plane and didn't carry money in my Pj's ,.,. It then said ,.,. well put your credit card in ,,,
I asked it if it carried credit cards in it's Jim-Jam pocket to bed ?
Well in that case sir, you'll have to reverse, go park ,, then go talk to Customer Services in the car park main office ,,, Yeah right ,,, in my pyjamas ?? And add more time to my parking bill ??
I called the machine a few choice names, questioned it's parentage ,,, and finally told it that it was one of a new band of theiving bastards, robbing people for no reason other than BECAUSE IT COULD ,.,.,.
I told the lifeless machine that this was the very last time I would be caught in such a trap ,.,.,. even if it means doing a three point turn at the entrance to their car park ,, and driving back against the traffic, I will never again enter it.
I finally put a credit card in it's jaws ( fully expecting it to be eaten after my abuse ) ,.,. but it flew back to me instantly ,,, £1 lighter of course ,.,.
I put it in my P/j pocket and drove off ,,, in the huff !!

Friday, November 23, 2007

It's the NHS at it's best, again, but not as we know it Jim !

My dear Ann was still suffering this damned infection last week ,,, it still had her in it's hold ,,,

The Doc. thought it had either migrated from her chest ( for it is definitely clear there he says !) to her kidney ,,( or of course it could be another fresh, new infection ,.,. after all, her immune system has been rocked to it's foundations over the past few months ,, fighting on all fronts ,, )
Mine too :)
After taking her urine sample to the Doc's at 8-30am ( me that is ,, I get all the good jobs to do !) she decided she was going back to bed to sleep 'till noon so I should go play golf ,,, she said !

She had slept ok the night before ,, no hots, sweats, or anything ,, so I decided I would ,.,.
However the funny part of this tale is not my performance on the golf course ,,,
Phyllis, the heavily pregnant daughter, had offered a sample bottle for the said urine ,,, since she had plenty of these little pregnancy test recepticles at home ; save me the trip to the Doc's to pick one up ,,,
SO, when I handed it in at the Doc's reception I naturally explained where I had got the bottle ,,,, with the white lid, ( for pregnant women's urine apparently ) instead of the normal ( non pregnant everybody else's urine ) red lid !!

Ipsofacto, because Doctor's receptionists are not the brightest of people, well not at 8-30am anyway ,,, this poor wee confused receptionist wuman thought ( nay, was absolutely convinced ! ) that I was handing in a sample from the pregnant one !!
Both Doc. Tobias & I had to spell it out for her ,.,. and more than once ,,, that this was the infected woman's sample ,.,.., finally she grasped the situation ( or so she said ) and decided that maybe she should just change the coloured top on the bottle ,.,. or transfer the sample to a bottle with the required RED lid !! Oh Lord, give me strength to deal with the NHS ,.,. please !
I wouldn’t be the least surprised to get the all clear on Monday ,,,, ,.,. telling me that my wife is NOT pregnant !
Meantime more paracetamols and plenty fluids for the patient with ,.,.., eh, the unknown infection ,,,
And for me ? ,.,.., that'll be the Whisky fluid , just in case it turns out that she IS pregnant !!
Oh, and the infection is ok for a visiting pregnant daughter ,, he doesn't know what it is but he does know it's not contagious to her or the kids ,.,. !! Aye right ,.,. it's medicine ,, but not as we know it Jim !!

Anyway I went to the golf ,, I slipped on the ice and fell yet again ,, bang on the flat of my back ,, again ! Sore as hell ,,, again !
I had insisted to my wife before leaving that she phone me if she needed me ,..,,
but we made no contingency plan if I needed her !! or indeed if I fell and smashed the mobile phone under my bum !!

Saturday, November 10, 2007

The Phantom Creamola Foam !

This morning I just read THE strangest thing !!
Last week or so when my dear wife was somewhat delirious in one of her fever sweats ,,,
she suddenly asked me, through bleary, sleepy eyes to get her .,,.,. a drink of Creamola Foam !!
She was very specific : it had to be Creamola foam ! Nothing else would satisfy this high temperature craving
Bizarre ,, this very morning my heavily pregnant daughter has blogged the following story. ( neither mother nor daughter had mentioned this urge to one another ! )

Pregnancy is so strange. I woke up at 3-am and felt a sudden urge to blog Creamola Foam!
My granny used to buy Derek and I it as a treat on Friday evenings when I was 7 or 8 years old and I suddenly remembered how much I loved it. Of course thinking back on it, it was probably an unhealthy mix of sugar and acid of some sort that these days would be expected to kill a child at 100 paces but I would love to taste it once more just to confirm that theory.
But apparently they no longer make it :-( "

Could it be that the mother is living thro' a phantom pregnancy with her daughter ??

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Doctoring these days 'aint wot it used to be !

Had a bit of Blogger's Block this past wee while ,.,.,.
My mind has been on other, much more important things ,,

My poor wee darlin' wuman has no' been hersel for the past few months.
It started with a cold that then went into her chest giving her a cough ,,, naw, mair like a bark !That went on and on and developed into a bad chest infection ,,,, needing multiple dozes of anti -biotics to shift it.
At the same time she got something else from one of our grandwe'ans ?,,, a bug ? ,.,. sickness, diarrheoa, horse sweats, freezing cold one minute, burning hot the next ,,, no appetite, squeamish at the mere mention of food ,.,.,. all in all, not a happy camper !
The Doc was working on all this ,,,
But now she confuses him ,.,. she's been slowly but surely developing this "tremor" in her hand, over the past year maybe ,,, so she asked the good ( but simple ) medic what he could do for this at the same time !!
He did what all these battery produced Gp's do these days ,.,. he issued her with the standard prescription ,.,.,. these are your new "calm-you-down Diazapalm pills missus."
Mmmmmm, now for my money that's when her troubles really started !
This dope ( and I don't mean the Doc this time ! ) wreaks havoc with people's insides ,..,
For starters the side effects have to be read to be believed !
These things, given out by Docs to help their patients, reputedly can cause, wait for it ,,, sickness, diarrheoa, severe headaches, sweats, loss of appetite ,,, getting the picture here ?
They can give her all the stuff she had to begin with ,, and this to "cure" her tremor ???
They can also introduce a few new nasties of their own ,,, eg, forgetfulness, rages, mood swings extraordinaire !!
In other words ,, the bloody " cure" is actually worse than the original illness ever was !

So, this is Doctoring in the 21st century ?? Well, God save us from the so called NHS.

So you go back ,,, you explain the new symptoms are now worse,, I mean much worse, than the original complaint and ask what else he can do for you ??
Well nothing really missus, you're a "Shaker" and there's not a lot we can do about that other than dope you up to the eyeballs ( there are different pills but they all do the same thing !! ) and change your normally pleasant personality to that of an angry Zombie !!
But, now that the "Zombie pills" have proved to be a disaster ( surprise, surprise ,, do these things actually work for ANYONE ?? ) we'll now try taking some blood samples and check if you have any problems with your kidneys, thyroid, liver, blood count ,,, etc ,,,
Now forgive me trying to teach the medical profession how to sook eggs, but shouldn't this have been the first thing tried rather than the last ,,, doping patients into oblivion surely isn't the NHS's 1st option is it ??,,,
Or are doped patients just easier options for our "hard worked, 9 to 5, no weekends, £140K a year " GP's ??
Bloody old cynic ,.,. Moi ??? !!!
Anyway, welcome back my pill-less sweetheart ,.,.,.
Now let's you and I get you well again in spite of the Doc's best efforts ?
How about some home made Chicken Soup ??

Thursday, October 18, 2007

It wis they bloody Maroon strips !

So, here we go again ,,, Typical bloody Scotland ,,

Get us aw worked up for a brammer o' a perfermance and then play like shite !

But of course the ref. did us no favours .,,. Yon wis an absolute stone-wall penalty, that block on Faddy ,.,. Aye it bloody wis !

And Fletcher just wisnae match fit ,, say whit ye like, the bhoy kin play a bit ,.,.,. normally !

We definitely missed some o' oor "stars" ,.,. Big Lee (McCulloch), Wee beardy Paul (Hartley) wi' the mad eyes, and Scotty ( it's a grand auld team tae play fur Brown. )

But as Big Eck says ,.,. noo there's nae decision to make aboot how we play the Ities ,..,

We jist huv tae go oot an' WIN ,,, nae problem then ,, We ur always betur agin' betur opposition onywae ,..,,.

However I really wid like tae know ,.,.,.
Whit bampot pit us oot in Jambo maroon strips fur Christ's sake ???

As they say ,,,, dress like Jambos and ye'll play like bloody Jambos ,,,

I bet ye that wee Russian bastard at Tynecastle is laughin' his heid off the day !
Well come tae Hampden on Nov.17th ya wee shite, and start yer greetin' a' ower again ,.,.
We arra Peepell !!

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Gaun, have a wee laugh !

Here's a great wee column from today's Herald writer Lawrence Donegan ,.,., ( and before anyone asks ,, How the Hell would I know if he's related to the late, great Lonnie ? )
What I do know is that he made me laugh ,.., out loud too, so I make no apology for copying and sharing this with anyone who cares to read it, even although it expressly says No Copying without permission ! ( I'm sure Lawrence would grant permission ,, he seems like a fun guy to me )

The best things in life are free if you have the nerve to blag.
When I started my career as a journalist, my ambitions were to save the world and get lots of free stuff. I think you can all agree as you sit there drinking your skinny mocha latte on this fine Saturday morning that I have made a pretty good job of saving the world, although I wouldn't want to take all the credit for myself, obviously. The Sugababes helped.
The free stuff has been slightly more elusive, partly because - and I know this will get a laugh out of some of you - journalism is a very ethical trade. This means that offers of a free week's golf in Kazakhstan, all expenses paid, in return for a glowing appraisal of Kazakhstan's claims to be the finest golf destination on the planet must be declined lest this arrangement be seen as a terrible breach of the solemn bond of trust that exists between those of us who write columns like this and those of you whose lives are so sad and empty you actually read it.
It would also be factually incorrect. Everybody knows that Uzbekistan is the finest golf destination on the planet, as I discovered during my month-long holiday in the Bahamas last year, courtesy of the Uzbekistan Tourist Board.
The other problem with getting free stuff is I am not brass-necked enough to ask for it. I find it too embarrassing, both for myself and for the person saying "no", for no better reason other than I'm a popular newspaper columnist with four fans, some of whom don't even live in the same household as me, and they are not.
It is also the case I have a very Presbyterian attitude to life even though the closest brush I ever had with the Presbyterian lifestyle was the night I snogged a girl from Stornoway at the university disco and she slapped me in the ear for getting fresh.
By contrast, there are some extremely unethical people I know - and for the purposes of this column I will refer to these people by the collective noun "Dida" - who would feel no compunction in walking up to a St John's Ambulance person and asking for a free heart transplant even though their most pressing medical condition was a displaced hair.
My hair could be on fire and I would still want to pay the fire brigade for wear and tear on their fire hose. At this stage, you are no doubt wondering where on Earth all of this is leading and I will tell you, although I can't let the moment pass without mentioning the radio station in Detroit which this week offered $1000 (£500) to the first listener who correctly predicted when Britney Spears would commit suicide following her recent troubles.
What hope is there for America when idiots like that are mocking Britney in her moment of supreme personal difficulty? The same goes for mankind, although from a Scottish perspective I no longer feel so depressed about the Real Radio football phone-in.
Anyway, back to free stuff.
This week, while the aforementioned brains trust in Detroit was proving it is possible to operate a radio station despite possessing the mental acuity of a tadpole, Radiohead announced they were giving their next album away for free. Or to put it more accurately, for "any price the purchaser deems to be appropriate".
Having bought the last Radiohead album for a price the man behind the counter at HMV deemed to be appropriate - £12 - rather than the price I deemed to be appropriate after I played it a few times - 12p - I am bound to say this is a fabulous idea and one I feel should be extended to other things in life such as cars, houses and books.
For instance, those people who really want to read the next Ken Follett novel could show their appreciation for his genius by shelling out £300, while those of us who consider Ken to be a future Booker Prize winner, but only on condition that Jeffrey Archer was his sole competition, could send him an invoice for £150.
The same could go for that lovely flat in the West End you want but would require a mortgage 385 times your salary for you to buy it.
"I'll take it for free."
"But it has just been valued at £3m."
"Not by me it hasn't and free is what I deem to be an appropriate price."
Come to think of it, let's make everything free. If everything were free then there would be no arguments, no poverty and no reason for Ken Follett ever to write another sentence.
More than anything else, it would stop me blushing when I asked people for free stuff.

Friday, September 21, 2007

I guess it's 'cause Funerals Suck ?

Went to yet another friend's funeral yesterday.

Not too close a friend but a friend nonetheless ,,, one I've partnered to victory on the golf course, so close enough ?

We get all dressed up ,,, like he would have cared whether we wore suits with dress shirts, club or black ties, freshly polished black shoes or not ?
This was wee John McGraw, a wee, man's man ,, he wouldn't have given a shit if we'd all turned up in dungarees .,,. but I'm sure he would have been pleased to see that we did turn up ! A bit embarrassed maybe ,, but quietly chuffed.

We arrived early ,,, can't be late for the last hurrah ? We sat in the car, Smackmaknee & me, and watched them coming ,.,. they arrived in dribs & drabs ,, they got out of their cars, they chatted, they smoked, they hugged, they laughed ,,, yep, they bloody laugh all the time at funerals ,, it's obscene ,, no it's not really,,, it's a cover for their grief isn't it ? ,, a peculiarly Scottish thing I wonder ?? They smoke some more, them that all know of wee John's lung cancer, his emphysema and finally his heart attack ,.,. all smoking related ,.,.,. but they don't care ,, or think ? or maybe they just don't care to think ??

We're still sitting in the car as they all make their way to the queue for the chapel ,.,.,.
We better get ourselves out there too ,,,,

Oh Hi Jim, hello Tom ,,, aye Dougie, here we go again ,,, nice day for it ,,, and on & on .,,.the small talk.

We pass wee John himself ,, lying there in that coffin in the back of such a Limo as he would never have been in alive .,,. what a pity the wee man couldn't at least have enjoyed this last wee bit of affluence, luxury ,.,.,. neither him nor the wee wife, for didn't she drop down dead with a heart attack of her own only 3 months past ,,, brought on by being John's full time carer they say ?

Then we're in the chapel seats ,, must be 200/230 friends and family here ,, a good turn out for a quiet, wee, ordinary guy ,.,. Eva Cassidy sings "Somewhere over the Rainbow " as we sit down ,,
The wee man makes his entrance, carried on the shoulders of six of his closest family, friends ,.,. His daughter is near hysterical in her grief ,, great howling tears flood her face ,,, her man cuddles her close ,,
We have a bit of a chat from the "Human Society" female ,,, this is to be a non Church, non Chapel, completely non religious affair. She tells us as much as she's learned in the last two days about our friend !! Then we sit for a few minutes and listen to "Moon River" by Danny Williams for Christ's sake ! ,.,. A wee special poignant poem from one of his granddaughters and next thing we know we're being ushered out again ,, Tony Bennett starts to sing about the loveliness of Paris ,,, and losing his heart in San Francisco ,.,.,. was wee John ever there I wonder ? The recording sticks and repeats ,, and sticks & spins too fast ( Tony on Helium ! ) ,, and is finally silenced before the family even clear the premises !!

Then we're all back at Cowglen ,, now the laughter just cascades through the lounge ,, the drink flows, the jokes are told ,, the stories of days gone by ,, with or without the leading man having played a part ! It's such an absurd ritual ,, we have the free drink to/from the wee man ,,, we have soup and steak pie ,, (or fish of course !),, we spend an hour or two laughing, giggling, telling jokes, eating, drinking, just being there ,,,, but in the end ,,, he's gone ,, we're gone ,,
What is/was it all about ???
I guess for me Funerals just Suck.

Some Sensible Argument for Thomas !

Because there are a lot of loonies like me in Scotland ,,, baying for the blood of any Englishman and total FREEDOM there was a recent short debate on what we might call an "Independent Scottish Currency" ,,,,,,,,

ok, you've got the scene ,,,,,,,, here he goes then. ( one of my favourite writers, Tom Shields )

" One suggestion was the Mickle, with 1314 mickles making one Muckle !

The muckle would float or sink with the Irish punt but certainly not be associated in any way with the English pound.

There was also strong support for a National name for the currency.

As the French do with their Franc ,,,, ours could be the Jock !

A jock would consist of 100 we’ans, and 10 jocks would be a Tamson, made up of 1000 of his we’ans " ,,, and so on ?

The man's a little off the planet at times, but very witty with it ,,,,,

And never a mention of TIME !!

Monday, September 10, 2007

Stingy Employers

The Long Service Awards.
I must tell you about my company awards for long service ,,,,,,,, no ? Oh yes you’ve got to hear this …. How well we were treated for hard work and loyalty by our American multi-billionaire ( yes billion-aire ) owner.
Christ, it's a hoot ( if it wasn't such a bloody miserable gift )
We { the guys } got a small gold tie pin ............. but not until 10 years at the grind stone had been completed !
Yep , a bloody miserable tie pin ,,,,,, at 10 years it was a plain gold tie pin with MSA 10 engraved on it. At 15 years you got your next award ….. would you believe, it's another bloody tie pin, but this time with a small [very bloody small indeed] diamond in it. * This is about twice actual size !!
Oh, and, the obligatory “MSA 15” of course !
At 20 years, you’ve guessed already haven’t you ? ….. Uh-huh, it was two diamonds, at 25 two diamonds and a ruby ( bet that fooled you ?) and at 30 it was a three diamond affair.
At 35 they gave me ,,,,,,,, eh, yet another tie pin ….( and btw, I only ever wear a tie pin at the long service award dinner ! ) this time with three diamonds and a ruby, well naturally …. You’d already sussed that ….. All of course with the number of years on them too. Wonder what I would have recieved if I'd still been there at 40 years { Phew, escaped just in time !! }
Oh, and one time, and this is absolutely true, I got presented with an "honourary" gift by our sister company in Germany for some work I had helped them with ,,,,,,,,
You’d never believe it if I told you what it was ….. guessed it yet ? ,,,,, Yeah, a bloody German tie pin ! At one of the long service doos, as a protest, I put them all on my tie at the one time, a long row of them, to go up and be presented with yet another one by the Chairman of the parent company. I thought this might just tell them something …. You know , like I’ve got quite enough of these useless bloody things ! .. But no, He thought I was brilliant," Gee Doug, you must be so proud to have been here all that time and you wear all your gold together, that's just won'erful " …..
Silly bastard ,,,,,,,THICK AS BLOODY PIG'S SHIT !!
Now the girls ,,, that was a different matter all together !!
After 10 years they got a gold charm bracelet …. with one little gold charm on it ,.,.,.
( a small plain round gold with MSA 10 ) . Need I go on ?? Every 5 years they got the same add on gold charms with the diamond, the ruby etc. etc. ad nauseum !!
This is the company I worked for, for 35 years ,,,,, no bloody wonder I'm the way I am today!!

How they do it in New Zealand ? Now that's a different concept altogether !
My little cousin, who lives on that little plook on the bahooki of our planet Earth in NZ, organised a special wee do for her man’s 60th birthday ,,,,,,,, she set him up for a Strip-o-Gram ?? a bloody Strip-o-Gram ,,,, I'd have killed her, especially if she’d picked ( as she did ) a skinny, bony, scrawny affair and hadn't even paid the full price to let him have his evil way with her. That was a real bitchy pressie to get the poor guy !
And then she had him filmed ,,,,,, what a cow ?
"When are you sending me copies of the pics ????" I asked her. Oh gaun, please, I can hardly wait. I'm looking forward to seeing those.
Surely he wasn't really embarrassed ?,,, that would just be an act he was putting on for her of course, especially when he spotted the bloody camera. Guys just don't get embarrassed watching girls taking their clothes off ,,,,, in fact that’s one of the things we can do really well ….. it’s probably what we do best !!
I do hope my She-Devil doesn't get any ideas for my next big milestone !!
( although it's such a long, long, long time away she'll probably have forgotten by then ) Well, not unless she does it better than the wee cous. and at least I get laid in the deal :) Aye, "laid to rest" more like !
OH aye, I forgot didn’t I ? The Long Service thing in NZ !!
She got a $500 cheque to go spend on something she fancied !!
And that for only 20-years service !!
Now there’s an original idea for you little Mr. J.T.Ryan III ….
Doh !

The local Newspaper printed the above story ,,, well a précis of it !

Superb ! thanks for that, Ken at the Diary.

I meant to add Ken, ,,, I tried to have a jeweller melt them down post-redundancy only to find they were more or less worthless ? Cheap USA gold ,.,. Now there's loyalty to your long, hard worked employees eh ?

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Ha-ha, The Spell Checker has it sussed !

Was writing to my local & European MP's this morning ,,,
with a copy to the PM of course !
I hit the SEND button and as always the Spell Checker then takes over my computer !
All impending mail has to be screened before the damn thing will do what I tell it !!
Today however it was worth the delay ,,,
Old SC knows a thing or two ,.,. tells me there is no such thing as an MP ,,,,
He suggests surely I must mean MP3 ,,,#
Hahahahaha that puts the bastards in their place even better than I can !!
Good on ye SC ,.,.,. I'll never complain about you again :)

Friday, August 31, 2007

My dearly beloved has passed away !

I know you’ll want to hear this ,.., although it’s rather bad news I’m afraid. :(
A funny thing happened to me today on the 17th. green.
There I was, about to putt for my par :) when “CRACK” went my trusty putter !
I looked down and there it was ,,,
Without as much as a by your leave, my MacGregor ZP 20 simply lost it’s head !!
For no reason other than stroking a little white friend the shaft and the head fell out with one another and separated ,.,.
The shaft snapped clean off, just above the head ,,, Ouch !!

It is obviously a casting as I can see, now that she’s in two bits ,,
Possibly an inherent weakness in her original design ?

I must write to the good folks at MacGregor and see if they'd like to bring the old girl back to life with a head transplant ?
I don’t know if it was a weakness or just old age, ( like it's owner ! ) but what I do know is that over the last couple of years or so the ZP 20 and I had become very good friends ,.,.
I would be happy to let them see the poor thing if they want to carry out a post mortem ,.,. but more happy if they would like to repair it ( the said head transplant ) ,.,. or better still ,.,. replace the old girl completely ?
The MacGregor clan, well them wot make the clubs, are based in the ole US of A these days ,.,.

Me ? I live in Glasgow ,,, that’s Bonnie Scotland for any foreign readers, so if they would like to see it I'm suggesting they send me a 1st. Class air ticket and I'll be happy to deliver the corpse for inspection.
Alternatively they might settle for just having a look at the photographic evidence and send me off a replacement ? Well one can hope :) Golf folks are inherently Nice People :)
Here she is then :- once the love of my life !!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

An Extraordinary Tale ,, and another one for my MP !

My daughter is pregnant.
This is not a new experience for her ( or me ! ) She has hundreds of we'ans ,.,.
well three ,, but sometimes it seems like hundreds !
Anyway, on all previous pregnancies she has had the scan which can also tell you the sex of the child-to-be.
So naturally, when this point arrived this time round, she asked the nurse again ,,
"What are we getting this time ?"
"Oh sorry" was the answer,,, "we're not allowed to say anymore !"
"WHIT ? whyever not ,, you've always told me in the past ?? "
"Well you see ,, we've had to change the rules ,.,.. because of the Muslim ladies " ,, the nurse explained.
It seems that our Muslim "invaders" have now made it impossible for US ,, the people whose country and whose NHS this is .,,. to receive this info lest we are seen to be racist ,.,..
You see, the Muslim "ladies" are apparently inclined to abort FEMALE children ( obviously males are much more desireable to their world domination plans ? ) so to discourage this practice they now don't get told the child's sex. And because they don't get told ,,, we can't be told either or we're seen as getting preferential treatment !! ie, this would be seen ( by them of course ) as racist, anti Muslim !
Did ever you hear such bloody shite ,.,. they are denying us our rights in our country, in our NHS ,, and WE'RE racist !!
When are our politicians going to waken up ??

Of course, there is a footnote to this story :-
That info was given by the Nurse "unofficially" - for as the wee lassie explained ,.,.
"we're no' allowed to say that or we'll lose our job !! "

My daughter also has a pregnant friend ,.,. living in Aberdeen ,.,. same story, different nurse, same answer but with a twist ,.,.,. she went for her scan - asked the sex and was told they no longer gave out that info (though they'd told her 2 years earlier with child number 1 at the same hospital). When she asked why they claimed they were "worried people would sue if they got it wrong" …
Haha forgive me being cynical here, but couldn't they just say - as they do in France, in Denmark etc - there's a X% chance it is a boy/girl but scans aren't 100% accurate.
Hmmmm, Christ, I remember when we used to live in a FREE country where you could speak your mind !!

Friday, August 24, 2007

My wee darling wuman still isnae well ,.,.

She, you know, her who will be obeyed !

She's been quite ill these past few weeks ,,,

She wakened me at 5 am this morning ,,,
“I was just thinking” she said !!
“Thinking ? at 5 am … “ I said
“He’s a new man ,.,., we don’t want to upset him “ she said ,, clear and precise as if she was wide awake ,..,
“Whit – WHO ,.,.”says I ,.,.
Zzzzzzzzzz she says ,,, !!!!

A week later and I still don't know who's new ??

Then at 7-20 am ,,, I got kicked on the leg ,,, "Ouch" I said ,,,

“ You’re late” she says ,,
“ I'm What ??? “ ( that's me talking ! )
“I thought you were getting up early” she mutters from deep within a sleepy head.
“What for ?” says me ,.,.,.
“To phone for MY doctor’s appointment “ she drags out from below the covers.
“It’s just a wee bit early for anybody to be in the surgery yet pet ” says I ,.,. rather testily I have to admit, after looking at my luminous dialled watch in the darkness of the bedroom ,,,
But by the time I was saying that, I was already up, out of bed and standing there looking at her ,,, fast asleep ,.,.,. yet again ,,,

Christ, she's bloody hallucinating now I thought as I came to ,,,
I just came downstairs anyway ,,, No point in waiting on her next bulletin or assault.

PS : The surgery actually opened at 8-20am ,, not the 8am they tell you about on their recorded message !
Honest tae Christ ,,, I need a rest !

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Lotta-lotta luck ,.,. NOT !

Just reading about that "lucky" woman in East Kilbride ?
Her with the £35.4 Euro Millions win. Just think about that for a second ,,, WOW ,,,
Has anyone else noticed, or is it just me and mine ?
When the Lotto first started and the weekly prizes were much larger than they are now ,,
ie, when more people were doing it ,, I used to win a tenner or so every other week or two ,,,occasionally the odd £50 even ,,
Nowadays, and I still do both the Wed. and Sat. draws, I win nothing ,,, zippo,, ziltch, not as much as a bean have I won, in years now.
Why is this ?,,,, with fewer people doing it my chances of a win surely must have INCREASED ?
Anyway, next thing to do obviously, since my luck is going nowhere, is to check out the wee woman in EK ,,, does she need a pal ? a new lover even ,, I see her man ( ex man ) is even luckier than me !! That'll be him in the Mood Badge above !!
Do I happen to know her by any chance ?,, could she be a friend ?,, ok, a friend of a friend ?,,
a friend's friend's aquaintance maybe ? anything, to get into her circle ,.,. her knickers, ,,
I mean her bankbook of course !
Anyway, good luck to the wee soul ,, a bit naive but she seems a nice enough person ,.,.
but God help her now that the world knows her name ! That was her 1st. big mistake ,.,.
With that amount of cash, she should surely have opted for ANONYMITY ?

Monday, August 13, 2007

Think I'll Settle for Scattering on Cowglen !

So we did Islay again ,.,.,. God's Little Acre !

We thought ,.,. summer will be a better time ,,, no more October school weeks for us retired folks ,.,. no more horizontal driving rain ,.,. we'll go in the SUMMER :) and see the beautiful island at it's best.
That's what we said :( Shame we didn't think to check out the bloody forecast ?

We arrived Friday morning ,.,. it was raining, misty and, to all intents and purposes October'ish ! Oh well, we said, a summer shower, no real wintry winds ; it'll probably be off before we reach Bowmore, sure it will Joyce ?
Joycie, our local Ileach, wasn't quite so sure ,.., she'd seen Islay summer weather before ! Often.

We reached our hotel in Bowmore ,.,. the very original and aptly named Bowmore Hotel !
We met up again with Peter, the proprieter ,.,. that's old Peter btw, not the younger cloned son ! We had eaten in Peter's establishment before but never actually used his B & B service.
We were shown to our rooms ,..,,. no bellhop, no kindly Island help of any kind ,, just lug your own bags up the stairs folks ,, you're in the Hebrides now !
Peter went on at length about how well he was doing with all the renovations at his hotel :(
This perhaps should have started the warning bells ringing ?? But no, we were happy, back on our beloved little patch of heaven ,.,. with all those lovely Peaty distilleries :)
What could possibly spoil our week ?

Well the weather wasn't exactly shaping up too well for starters ,.., and now we had ,..,,.
"The Room" for a follow-up ! Ours was a tatty, crammed, ( no, make that bloody crammed ) hovel with peeling paintwork, threadbare carpet, a newly created loo with bare plasterboard finish ! ,.,. Oh, and a double bed UNDER a metal framed bunk bed !!
Peter had noticably been very careful to guide Joycie & Steve to the better room ,, but helpmaboab, theirs was exactly the same as ours ! Ha, So good to have friends in hotel places !!

When we were alone the dearly beloved, still recovering from illness, took one look and told me ,.,. " Go see Peter ,, and tell him we need a different room ,, I'm not sleeping under that bloody scaffolding, not even for one night ! "
So I saw Peter. We got a change of room ,,, at first glance it was an improvement on the original ,.., well we had single beds, but at least no overhead bunk bed scaffolding ,.,. but wait ,,, what happened to our wardrobe ? Mmmm none ? Oh and that newly installed loo ,.,. where's the door ?
Bloody Nora ,,, a room with a view ,,, but even for long married couples this "open plan toilet arrangement" isn't exactly a turn-on feature !
We did have drawers for storage ,.,. and we did take a peek in a few of the other unoccupied rooms to see if another deal with Peter was worth the bother ,.,. alas no, they all had "flaws" !
Some had wardrobes and drawers ,.,. but subtly positioned beds so as to render opening them impossible ,, you think I exaggerate don't you ? Well here's the photos to prove I am honest as the day is wet !

Oh well, it's now the next day and ,, you guessed of course ,, still pissing it down Islay fashion !
Joycie knows her stuff ,, Heather the Weather could take a lesson or two from our Ileach !

We go walking on the beach ,, Hahaha, it's wonderful ,, wet right enough but really quite beautiful still ,,, well not still as such ,, the wind now also thinks it's October ! But do we care ,,, Eh, yeah we do ,,, we really wanted to see this pretty island in the sun and the heat ,, just for a wee change.
We spend the rest of our week ,,,we drink, we eat, we drink some more and then we ,,, drink some more ,,, hic ,, and then we go out to the pub ,.., hic,hic, who cares what the bloody weather does ?

We have now settled into our respective hotel rooms ,,, did I mention the bruises on Steve's head from getting up of a morning and smashing it off the bottom of the (iron) bunk bed ?
They too finally asked for a change of room !!
They got single beds too, ( they seem a bit anti sex I feel on Islay ) they each got a wardrobe, ( non opening doors though ! ) and hey, the ultimate prize, a loo WITH door !

Incidentally Peter's food is still good ,.,. the hotel restaurant can hold it's own with all the others in Bowmore ,,, both of them ! And not even the sniff of a Fish and Chippy to be found, anywhere on the island.

The Fun Day thing scheduled for the weekend including Highland games, pipers, dancing etc. was cancelled because of ,, eh that would be more RAIN ,,,
Our Golf game was ,,, cancelled due to the weather !
So we ate some more ,, we drank some more and we listened to some music ,, in the pub some more !
The week came and the week went but the rain on Islay ,, that's forever !
Being in love with a place is never having to say It's DRY and SUNNY !!
We're back home again now and the beloved has been back to the Doc ,,, seems all this "walking in the rain" might have been good for Johnny Ray but it knocked seven bells out of my dear wife again ,,,
The chest is heaving, the coughing has begun again and the sweats, boiling temperatures and freezing cold are back ,,
Thanks Islay ,,, You may not see us again for a while !

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Och the NHS is in Good Hands .... isn't it ?

The wee wifie is decidedly poorly ,..,
In fact as poorly as I've seen her in many's a long day.
So poorly that I had to call in the NHS Doc ,.,.
Now don't get me wrong, the Doc was a nice woman ,, pleasant in every way ,.,.
but did she fully understand the patient's symptoms ? That I'm not so sure of !
The illness took the form of severe stomach cramps, nausea, sickness, diarrheoa, terrible sweats, chilling cold, non eating and sleeping ,,, Aye, Christ, she's sleeping for Scotland !
The Doc thought maybe food poisoning ,, but then settled for "the dreaded virus" ( or as we all know it ,,, all together now ,,, The Doc hasn't a bloody scooby disease :)
So she gave out some pills ,,, anti "B's" for the virus ??? and other pain killing / plugger upper things for the stomach pains and the diarrheoa .....
Days passed ,.,.,. was the patient now on the mend ,, getting better on this medication that the Doc assured would settle the stomach pains in no time flat and sort out the dreaded virus ??? Was she eating at least ? stopped having the sweats and the pains ,.., ?
In a word ,.,. NAW !
The Doc was summoned again on Thursday pm ,.,.
A different Doc appeared ,, ( good service this btw,, on both requests for a home visit by the much maligned NHS they were at the patient's bedside within the hour ,.,.,.
But good practitioners in the art of healing ??? Mmmmmm, the jury's still out on that one ,, but we do have our doubts and concerns ,,, already and it's only later, Thurs. pm !
Doc 2 diagnosed a CHEST INFECTION ,.,.,. ?? Eh, whit ? Nobody said there were any symptoms of chest deficiences ,, neither the patient nor the caller outer of Docs !
Where did this magical diagnosis suddenly appear from then, we wonder ?
So it's not a virus then Doc, it's an infection ,.,. Ahh, we did wonder about anti "B's" your colleague dished out for viruses !!
"I'll give her a stronger anti "B" because it's a nasty infection she has there" he said ,.,.
"And is she still taking the two Paracetamols 4-times a day for the sweats ??" Eh, whit ?
What bloody Paracetamols .. nobody told us to take any Paracetamols ,, the patient did take a few of these early on herself for the accompanying headaches ,, but figured THEY were what was CAUSING her to sweat so much ??!!
OK, So the first Doc FORGOT to mention the Paracetamols ! Oh well, we're all busy people I suppose ,.,.., so,
The carer got on his bike ( figuretively speaking -- we have to remember the main players here are gerry-crumbles ),.,. straight to the chemist shop ,, oh sorry, we seem to have only Pharmacies these days !
The new anti "B's" were brought to the patient's bedside ,.,. The chemist ( sorry again,, Pharmacist ,,, it's just my age !) advised that these pills were strong and should really ONLY be taken on the back of FOOD ,,, remember food ,, that's the stuff the patient hasn't been able to look at for a week now ,, ??? The dear wifie was feeling like shit ,,, ( not feeling like A shit ,, nothing left there now after a week of no food ) just ,,eh, feeling badly, so took the first one of the new stronger anti "B's" to get the show on the road anyway ,,,
We then read the pill blurb ,, you know, the wee bit of "Get-Out" clause paper that the Docs and the Pharmacists seem to need to get by nowadays ?
Wait for it ,.., this you bloody won't believe ,.,.
The NHS is really great ,, it sees us from Cradle to Grave ,, that was the old Labour bullshit line that launched it ,,, wasn't it ?
Problem nowadays seems to be that it takes you out of your cradle ( of caring ) and PUTS you into your bloody grave ! ( whether or not you want to go ! )
The side effects which MAY be CAUSED by these anti"B's" ??
Hahahaha, if it wasn't so bloody tragic it would be bloody funny !!
You've already guessed of course haven't you ??
Yep ,,these pills may cause ,,, stomach cramps, nausea, sickness, diarrheoa, sweats ,,, ????
Oh I see, they give you more of what you called the Doc out for in the first place !!
Woop-de-bloody-dooooooooo ,.,.,.,.,. Arghhhhhhhhhhhh
God save us from the mighty NHS ,,,, please !

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

My Brilliant Brain

Watched a programme on TV last night ,, absolutely fascinating.

My Brilliant Brain, Accidental Genius ,.,. an insight into Savant Brains.
About people with exraordinary brains ,.,. some born that way, some after brain trauma ,,
One guy ( a born with ) just sorted numbers constantly in his head ,, he designed calendars of all sorts ,, but he could also remember everything .,,. could tell you what day it was on July 20th. 1912 ,, or any other day, date , year etc ,, He could also read a 500 page book inside an hour ,,,
And memorise every word !!
Eh, shows just what the human brain is actually capable of though ?
Another guy, without ever a lesson, could play piano like a concert pianist ,, and would play ANY piece, note perfect, after hearing it only once !! Truly amazing ,.,. however the down side was that most of these people were slightly less than normal in other ways ,.., ?

Disabled but also with a rare talent ? Remember Dustin Hoffman as the autistic in the Rain Man ?
The calendar guy couldn't look after his day to day needs ,, like shaving, cooking ,, shopping etc ,, The pianist was like a hobo ,.,.,.
A Scouser, Tommy, formerly a builder, who had a brain haemorrhage at 40 or 50 years old ( and with no artistic talent whatsoever ,.,. or any other talent of course. Well he was a Scouser ! Ha, almost just joking !! ) suffered severe brain damage, but suddenly after surgery became a manic 100 MPH talker ,, then developed an overwhelming need ,,, and I mean an absolutely bloody overwhelming need ,,, to paint & sculpt,.,. He covered every piece of paper in the house, then moved on to every other surface ,, walls, doors, floors, ceilings ,.., and his stuff is amazing ,, problem for him is he simply can't rest ,, or stop painting ,, he just goes at it morn to night ,, sadly however his wife just couldn't live with the new artist in him ,, she had to leave to find some sanity for her own life ,,,
Anyway, there was this Prof guy, from Oz I think ,, who is studying this Savant brain behaviour stuff ,,,
He reckons that one day ,, and maybe not too far off either, we will ALL be able to tap in to this incredible brain power ,,, to bring out a special talent that he believes we all have ,.,.
All I can say to that is WOW ! Let me at it ,, I want to try this ,.,. Please ,.,., I have always believed our brains are vastly under used .
One female ( another medic studying this phenomenon ) who also has the savant brain herself, spoke of her talent ,,, she was a writer ,.,.wrote everything from poetry to just her life experiences ,,, she told of also being somewhat manic ,,, wakening in the night and scribbling notes on post it pads ,, sticking them all over the place, hundreds of them ,,

Quote " I just had to get this stuff down on paper ,, my head was bursting with stuff I had to write down "
This describes exactly how (and why ? ) I started writing ,.,. I used these same words early on in my writing ??? My head too was bursting with stuff ,, it wouldn't stop .. and also wakened me in the night.
She is now on medication to curb her "enthusiasm" ,.,. I have just kinda dried up a bit ,,, it no longer wakens me ,,, but then according to my wife ,, nothing does !
However, a quite fascinating study ,,

I wait with baited breath for the Prof. to come up with his "Thinking Cap" that will bring these talents gushing out of us all.

I just know he's right.

Monday, July 16, 2007

The High Life ?

Why don't high rise flats work in Glasgow ? Nay, Scotland even ,.,.
in fact pretty much anywhere in Britain they simply don't work ?? WHY ??
They work fine in NYC ,.,. they work in Singapore ,,, Tokyo ,.,. many, many countries have them ,, I've seen them ,,, they look great and people like living in them ,.,. so,
Why here, do the residents of these homes in the sky seem to drop right off our antisocial behaviour scale ?
Is it that these other countries don't have social misfits ?
No, I hardly think so .,,.
Is it that we build our skyscrapers ( well, little versions thereof -- is that what's wrong ? -- we don't build them high enough ? ) in the wrong places ,,, far away from town, alone, ill maintained, and finally lost, and forgotten ?
We actually seem to build these ( and ours are small monstrosities by comparison to those in, say New York ) as some kind of multi-family prison block, specifically for our social outcasts ,.,. almost, as it were, to keep them that way?
Do our social departments actually interview prospective high rise dwellers to ensure we get a complete block of the worst misfits in our society living together ? Or is this pure coincidence ??
Please queue according to type for allocation of flat ,, druggies, alcoholics, asbos, wife beaters, etc,
I think not !
So, where is it that ( only ) we go wrong ?
Answers on a post card please to ,,,,, The Scottish Parliament, Edinburgh
or if you live south of the border,, the Bam Pot @ bloody 10, Downing St.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Glasgow's urban ghetto

Read yet another article today ( it's July 2007 for Christ's sake and still it goes on ! ) in the never-ending saga/circus that is the underpriviledged underbelly of Glasow's overspill.
This place overspilled ( blood generally ) back in my youthful days in the Bar-L !
Why can't /won't these people ever learn ? Aren't they tired of beating the crap out of one another yet ? Can't they see, or at least understand, that there is a different way ?
Or can it possibly be that all encompassing poverty simply rots your brain into a state of limbo from which you can't ever escape ?
I have often wondered what I would have become, what my life might have been, had I not managed to free myself from the jungle that was the Bar-L ?
Would I, now, like these poor, sad specimens of their sick society, trapped in this war zone, also be fighting my territorial rights and lashing out at any outside help / interference ?
Thankfully, for there but for "fate?" I'll never really know .,,.., but ,.,.,. oh boy, do I have my ( dark ) suspicions ?

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Sandyhills, My Spiritual Homecoming.

Yesterday, as my little American friend Trent would have said, I HAD A GREAT DAY !

I had been looking forward to this day for months ,, nae, years ,, and had worried that maybe the dreaming of it would far outshine the reality.

But I needn't have concerned myself, for, as it turned out, it was a truly awesome day !

I played Sandyhills again, for the first time in over 40-years ,, the golf course where I first played the game as a skinny teenager !

I didn't remember much of the place ,, a few holes looked familiar but not many ,,, like all golf courses, naturally, it has changed over the years, but I was back, and I loved every minute ,,

Memories of my old pal Alistair ( Best ) came flooding back ,, our school days, afternoons spent in his Killin St. home ,.,.,.., sadly he couldn't be there with me this time ,, he died, 2-years ago now.

I played "out of my skin" and had by far the biggest win of the day finishing 9-up ,.,.

I shot an amazing 38 out and 40 back giving me a score consistant with an 8 handicap player rather than my existing 16. My opponents ( only the President and Captain of Sandyhills ) gave me the "Man of the Match " award and re-christened me "The Scud Missile Launcher", having seen the "Scudder" motif on my hat !
I helped our team ( Cowglen Seniors ) to a famous 5-1 victory and the lifting of the Match Trophy.

But what made me happiest of all, and the day really great, was simply returning to my Spiritual Golf Home.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh Happy Days.

Monday, May 21, 2007

My Daughter, the Blogger !

I've been reading my dear daughter's Blogs these last few weeks ,,
Not that I don't always read them ,, it's just that recently she seems to have become more of a "Ranter" than a Blogger ! Of her last 15 or so blogs some 11 have been "RANTS" about one thing or another ! She doesn't always log them as rants of course but that's what they are. Mmmmm ,,, maybe it's her age ? Or maybe it's Mamas Chicken Pox blues ?
Here are some of her moans ,,,
First there was her old Lap Top, the one that broke down so frequently it really belonged to the Repair man !
Then she encountered Juvenile Delinquents in Asda ( whom she dealt with in fine fashion ) ,, Next came the Loonie Fringe Politicians and their Rants ! particularly the BNP and the so called Christians ( she wanted them flung to the Lions ! )
Then we had the crazy UK only Child Nut Allergy study ,,, a hoot of a read ,,
Hahaha then there was the breakfast cereal Mortar / Wallpaper Paste !
Her old Citroen car came in for a kicking next for having the audacity to lose a bolt holding the gearbox in situ !
Oh I nearly forgot the NHS ,, they give out DO NOT DRIVE Warnings on 19-month old baby medicine bottles !
After that we got the story about the miscreant able bodied idiots who use Disabled Parking spaces in Supermarket car parks ( have you seen how many spaces we have for the disabled these days ,, especially at DIY stores ! There just can't be that many disabled DIY'ers in the world, never mind visiting B & Q ? )
Oh, then we had the Incomprehensible Inconsistances ,, or why MS's new Vista wouldn't let her access MS's Hotmail ! A good question you have to agree ?
She finished it all off last week with a moan about Dreary Car Colours making our Dull Scottish envirronment even duller and drearier .,,. I reminded her of old Mr. Ford in America who made cars any colour you wanted ,,, as long as it was BLACK !

She's a Crusader my kid ,.,. and mighty proud I am to read her daily output but there's one Blog she's not finished yet and I'm dying to know ,.,.,.,. about her Top Secret Assignment, that most surreal of things she's been asked to do in a very long time ???
C'mon Phyl ,, do tell :)

Monday, May 14, 2007

My Blook is Coming !!

I see the new way for Publishing Houses to find up and coming authors is to appoint "Blog Readers" ,,,, people whose full time job is just browsing other folks blogs !
Progress knows no bounds !
The resulting publication of course being called a BLOOK !
Well whatever next ,,, I may yet be published ?

Friday, May 04, 2007

Just a wee Social Comment !

Scotland definitely believes in education:

The average Uni professor / School teacher earns more money in a year than a professional footballer gets in a whole week !

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Reggie's Folly

The wife of the piece is the dearly beloved ,, Let's call her Ann !

She ( who will be obeyed ! ) wanted to replace the strip of silicone filler with a plastic beading at the back of the wash hand basin in the downstairs toilet ,.,. Oh and ditto on the wash hand basin AND the bath in the upstairs loo too.

So she set about removing the old beading / silicone filler stuff, upstairs first.

I fretted that she was about to break wall tiles and /or wash hand basin and /or the bloody bath !

However with my expert help and guidance :) she managed to complete both with no real damage done.

So next it was onto the downstairs job !

Now to let you understand ,,, The downstairs loo was installed by REGGIE ,,, a sortofa plumber from far away Newarthill that we hired once, in a weak moment.

First we tried to scrape away the existing silicone filler stuff from behind the basin ,,, it was good stuff 'cause it wouldn't come off ! So, we scraped a bit harder ,,, Oh shit, the WHB fell away from the wall ,,, how the hell did that happen ?,, Ah, you forgot didn't you ,, REGGIE ,,, there were NO screws fixing the WHB to the wall ,, only a big dollop of glue !

I tried to balance the basin ( now hanging precariously by the pipes to the hot and cold taps ) ( which incidentally, are on the WRONG way round from every other set of taps in the Western World ) on the pedestal but bugger me, it wasn't fixed to the floor in any way at all ,, not even Reggie glued ,.,.,.

So picture it, if you can ,,, we, two daft old buggers with Stanley knives in hand ,, trying to hold not only the basin but now the pedestal too, to stop it all collapsing to the floor and undoubtedly starting a flood ,, 'cause it's a fair bet in my head by now, that at best Reggie will have only half tightened any pipe fittings ?

God only knows how, but finally, after a few minutes we got ourselves sorted to the point where that lady we called Ann is holding the pedestal steady while I hold the basin on top of it with one hand and try screwing in one of the two missing screws with the other !

Absolutely no way is this going to work ,,, I can't get a screw started in the hole ,, it can only take a very short "dumpy" screwdriver ,,, I try on and off for the next 30 minutes to achieve some kind of fixing to the wall ,,, Alas there's nothing else for it ,,,I get Ann to hold the lot while I get underneath and uncouple the hot and cold pipe connections ,,, fortunately wee Reggie has done a job here ,, and we do have inline isolation valves, so we escape the flooding ! ( for now ? )

Finally, after what seems like an hour, I lift the whole basin free and plonk it down on the carpet in the hall ,, Ah, forgot the hanging pipes and waste would still be full of water didn't I ? ( dirty water in the case of the waste ! ) Ach, The carpet cleaning job can be next !

Now I go about trying to get a couple of fixing screws into the (solid wood) wall. Ok that's done !

While we have this all off the wall the Ann person decides a new strip of wallpaper is required to be fitted in along the back of the basin since it's damaged there ,, and suddenly appears with a roll of this paper as if by magic !! Honest, she did !

The re papering naturally requires some wallpaper paste which we "borrow" from our neighbourly painter/decorator next door.

Then it was back to the job of re fitting Reggie's Folly !

We pushed, we shoved, we tried lying upside down, inside out and backwards ,, could we engage these bloody screws in the wall thro' the basin ?? Not on your f***ing life ,.,.

We sat down for a rest, completely cream crackered by now ,, we had a coffee ,, ( and a cream cracker !! ) and finally after now some 3, or was it 4 hours, with a monumental effort we got it all back together ,, taps tightened, ( for they were loose too ! ) pipes fitted and basin on the wall WITH two screws halfway home ! A result !

Only then did she discover ,,,, the basin is shaped ,, curved if you will ,, arced even ,, NOT BLOODY STRAIGHT ,, and so impossible to fit with her plastic bloody beading strip !!

It's back on the wall now with a thin line of white silicone filler just to tidy up the edge betwixt wall and basin ,,,, or put another way ,, THE WAY IT BLOODY WAS TO BEGIN WITH !!

Next day and every day since, my body has ached with all the bloody contortions I did under that basin ,..,,. and not even any sex was involved !! She's gonna put me in an early grave !

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

The Saga of the Telephone !

It's been some months now ,,, on and off,,,, aye literally !
It all started when Talk Talk "Upgraded" us for faster, free Broadband.

That was back in Sept. / Oct ,, last year.
At first we noticed our previously slow, but at least secure, Broadband connection would periodically "drop out" for no reason other than perhaps that we weren't using it 24/7 !
It gradually got worse ,,, dropping out 3, 4, 5 times a day. And got more and more difficult to re connect.
Naturally we complained to our new "provider" ,, the fast becoming Infamous TalkTalk ,,

I even wrote to the top man ,, one Charlie Dunstone, CEO, telling him what I thought of his new, super-duper free Broadband !! And I wasn't exactly complimentary !!
I next complained to Dave, our tame, local "face behind the counter" up at our local Car Phone Warehouse ,,
Dave has been very sympathetic and caring ( but he has his internet provided by BT !! )and frequently over the next month or three he 'phoned in our complaint to the Talk Talk call centre service people ,,, we watched him do it !

They would then come on the 'phone and talk us thro' various remedies ,, generally requesting that we isolate all our land line phones and any other phone links in the house ,, like the Sky TV connection and the Computer ,, while they checked the line at the exchange.
They advised us ( often ! ) that, oh yes we've located a fault at our end ,, that's at the BT exchange ,, and we've fixed it now Mr. B, so you won't have any further problems !! Ha ,,,
Next time, for there was always a next time, they would tell us to try changing all of our ASDL filters. That would surely cure the problem ,,, then they wanted us to shut down everything for 48 hours !! Yeah, disconnect from the world for 2-days !!

I told them to go screw themselves ,, or something like that :)
Oh, and incidentally, all the while our new "upgraded high speed" internet connection won't actually happen 'till next July ,,, even although they blatently tell me every time I go online that I'm currently connected at 7.5 Mbps ,,, On checking, that figure is averaging less than 1Mb !
Then, bugger me, the next thing we know our bloody 'phone isn't working ,,, well to be factual here, it works sometimes ,, but most of the time it's so noisey and crackling that no one can hear us &/or vice versa ,.,. many's the day we've had calls from people who simply hung up on us so frustrated were they ,, next the answer machine packed in ,, as did our Caller Display !
So, back again to see Dave ! He laughed ,, but he organised engineers coming to visit ,, Engineers from Talk Talk, Bt and even the elite Bt Open Reach ,.,. They've all been here ,,,

They told us there was no fault on our line here at home ,,, but they'd found ( again ) and fixed ( again ) the faulty HUM on the line at their end !
The whole affair was beginning to HUM as far as I was concerned too !

I told them I would take my business to a Reliable supplier if they didn't fix the problem in the next week !
The 'phone line by now was diabolical ,.,. we were getting nowhere ,,, then suddenly my good lady wife discovered ( by accident ) that hitting the intercom button seemed to clear the line and we could once again hear our family and friends ,,, so for the next month or so we did that ,,, when the line went all hissy and crackly we hit the Intercom button ,,, this gradually led to us just hitting the hand set off the nearest thing handy ,,, and hey presto ,, the line was clear again for a short period ,.,.,.
Then I had a birthday ,,, my big son bought and fitted a new Super fast "Router" for me ,.,. and overnight our "drop out" problem disappeared ! It's been rock solid for nigh on a fortnight now ,,, unheard of since our "Upgrade !"
But still no joy on the 'phone front ,,, but wait ,,,

We started thinking about this hitting of the hand set and the Intercom button thing

Oh no, it couldn't be ,,, could it ?
One night when we had nothing better to do we decided to disonnect the 'phone ,,, we connected an old 'phone from an upstairs bedroom ,, temporarily you understand, just to check if maybe ,,,

Oops ! the crackle, the hiss, the lack of sound ,,, all gone as if by magic with the change of 'phone !!

We've now had a trouble free 'phone system for a week or more ,,,, not the slightest hiccup ,,

But then we'd expect a good line ,, after all, it's probably the most checked line in Scotland !

The wife has just bought a new set of Digital 'phones !!

Don't think I'll tell Charlie Dunstone though ?
Wait ,.,.,.., Addendum : PS : Call it what you like : But a wee while later the Saga continued !!
I came downstairs this morning and the new 'phone was sitting there all bright eyed and bushy tailed ,.,., waiting for me !
I decided to call Steve to arrange our golf game ,.., so I checked the new 'phone's 'phonebook ,., hit the button and there it was ,,, dialling away like a good-un ,,, excellent ,,, until ,,,,
" The number you are dialling has not been recognised ,, please hang up and try again later "
I tried for fully ten minutes ,,, I dialled it manually, I tried the 'phone book memory ,, I added the Glasgow 0141 ,,, you name it ,,, but alas NOTHING, the bloody thing refused to call anybody ! Arghhhhhh, here we bloody go again !
Naturally I assumed something in the set up and /or initialising had gone wrong or hadn't been done ,,, but my good lady assured me it had worked ok the previous night after setting up, before she came to bed ????
So ,, back to confront Dave ,,, Up to the Car Phone Warehouse I went ,, with 3-kids in tow too !
Good ole sympathetic Dave was ready for me !
"I knew you'd be here today" he said ,,, "sorry but we couldn't contact you , you're complaint #27 so far today ,, Talk Talk is having "an Outage" today so your 'phone will be out of commission for ,,, eh, they haven't told us how long yet !"
So there you have it ,.,., talk about coincidence ,, they decide to have "an outage" on the very day we change to new 'phones !!
Is it Sod's Law, Murphy's Law or just that good ole guy CharlieTalkTalk's Law ?
I know you'll want to hear ,, it all started working again at 5pm tonight !
And I don't want to hear another word about bloody Alexander Graham Bell for the next 20-years !
Hello, Hello ,,, is anybody there ?????

The Key !

Is it just me ,, or has anyone EVER seen anything on the Sky TV channel "Open Access" ?
Not only have I failed to catch even one word ( or picture ) on this channel ,, but worse ,, they seem to now have a 2nd. channel "Open Access 2" dedicated to ,,, eh ,, Nothing at all seemingly !
They do show a pretty constant picture of a KEY so maybe that's it ,,,
Could this be the famous Key of Life ?
C'mon, somebody tell me ,..,,.What am I missing ???

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Dedicated to my friend, Big " T "

Big "T" ( no forenames or surnames lest the Polis read this ,,,, our past-but-one, Seniors Captain ! Oops ...) was pulled over just a few days ago by the Polis just along the road after leaving Cowglen ,,
He was overtaking a car turning left and hit the apparently illegal 38 MPH ,,, well it was in the 30 zone so I suppose ,,,,.,.,. ( they had the dreaded gun on him ! )
Oops he thought ,,, followed by ,,Oh sh** At this point he then remembered his pint of Guinness and two ( little ? ) whiskies, after his round of golf !!!
Oh sh** indeed ! But he also remembered he had a coffee and chocolate biscuit with his good lady wife before leaving the lounge !!
Maybe that nice chocolate would negate the effect of the alcohol ?? He hoped ! Ha :)
He convinced them in the back of their meat-wagon that No, of course he hadn’t been drinking that day ,, the smell on his breath must be from the biscuit or maybe the nightcap he had at bedtime last night ,,,
He was also on the ball, quick witted enough to remember, at such a stressful and worrying
time, a little tip he had gotten from a retired polis of our acquaintance ,,,
Viz : Take a big breath in via your nose but don’t inhale ,.,. then blow it quickly into the polis' wee bag ,,,,
Mmmmm, good to know these things ( if they work ? )
Blow me down ,, he thought ,,, it’s worked ,,, the breathalyser showed a quantity of alcohol in his blood stream right enough, but JUST below the handcuff level ,.,.,. Wheeeeew, ooooooooh ,,,
So he walked ,,, a free man ,,, out of the meat-wagon and back to his wife and his car ,,, a man who will now really enjoy the Glesca Patter below !!
( Hopefully also one who has learned a valuable little life lesson ? ) Don't get CAUGHT !!

The Glasgae Patter

The Glasgow, or more properly "Glesca" dialect is known to be extremely concise, as so much can be said in so few words.
Consider for example, this exchange between a car-driver, and the police officer who pulled him over. Interpretation is provided inside the brackets for those who need it.

Police officer: Yaw rite? (Are you feeling ill?)
Driver: Imawrite. (No. I'm feeling exceptionally well, thank you)
Yeshoor ? (Are you entirely certain of that fact?)
Aye. (Yes)
Zisyoors ? (Are you the registered owner of this vehicle?)
Zwitmine ? (Which vehicle are you referring to ? ) Ris caur (The automobile in which you are presently seated)
Sibrurn laws (Actually, it belongs to my sister's husband)
Wersheeren ? (Can you tell me where he can be located?)
'Raboozers. (He is a guest of the local hostelry.)
Yebeen garglin'. (Have you partaken of any alcoholic beverages, in the recent past?)
Jissa cupple. (I have consumed only one or two small cocktails, prior to dinner.)
Yur stoatin'. (It is my considered opinion that you are well under the influence of alcohol.)
Naw'mno' (I beg to differ.)
Ye urstoatin'. (I believe that my initial observation is correct, and that you are being deceitful.)
Umnoe. (I swear that I am being entirely truthful.)
Geezyer licence. (Would you be kind enough to allow me to inspect your drivers licence?)
Vno Goatwan. (I am not in possession of such a document.)
Geroot racaur. (Kindly remove yourself from the automobile.)
Whiffur? (By what legal right do you make this request?)
'Mapolis. (I am a member of the local constabulary.)
Geroot Ren. (Will you now please extricate yourself from your position behind the steering wheel?)
Awrite, 'mcomin' (I am proceeding to do so with all possible speed.)
Blawris up. (Are you familiar with the breathalyser test?)
'Mgonny Besik. (I believe that I am about to be violently ill.)
Noanme Yurno. (Please exercise a great deal of caution as to the direction your involuntary emission takes.)
'Mawrite Noo (Having ridden my digestive tract of an accumulation of nausea- inducing substances, I now feel better.)
Getna meatwagon. (please be kind enough to accept a short ride in the humble vehicle provided for my use by the local police.)
Wer Wigaun? (May I be so forward as to make an enquiry as to our ultimate destination?)
Ra Jile. (To my headquarters, where you will be incarcerated.)
Ohmigoad, rawife'll murder me. (Once again I call upon the Supreme Being to witness this unfortunate turn of events. Incidentally, I must also inform you that my spouse will take my life, illegally.)
Getna Wagon. (May I offer you my assistance in climbing into the back of my vehicle?)
Aw, Neveragain. Ratsit furme. (I have now learned a valuable lesson, and I hereby declare total abstinence from all alcoholic beverages hence forth.)

My Day Out, On the Hallowed Turf !

We were booked for an 11.07am tee off ,,,
Me and my rich benefactor were playing Turnberry's Ailsa Championship Course, again.
He said he'd pick me up in the Jag at 9am to let us get down there and have our very special Turnberry Bacon Roll and coffee before the game.
I stupidly decided, no George it's my turn to drive ,, I'll come over and get you at 9.
What a cock up that thought turned out to be !
I remembered in the morning, while having my early morning cuppa that I was quite low in petrol so I duly set out en route to the garage to fill up, in plenty time to be at George's for 9.
At the corner of Harvie Ave., no more than a few hundred yards from home, the traffic lights turned to red ,,, I pulled up behind maybe 3 or 4 cars and waited ,,, it's a long wait at that junction because the lights are favoured to the motorway on-ramp traffic ,,,, While waiting I noticed the passengers seat in the car was fully forward ,,, a small person had obviously been there last ? I leaned over and pulled the bar under the seat up and rammed the seat fully back ,, my pal George is a biggish guy and this would let him sit comfortably ,,
Ah, at last, the lights changed to green ,,, into 1st. foot on the gas ,, let out the clutch ,,, and away we ,,,, phut, phut, phut ,, the car simple died on me !
Whit, I thought ,, oh no, it can't be that low in petrol ,, I wouldn't have let it go that low ,, surely ,, I checked the gauge again ,, it WAS very low ,, but still just above the absolute bottom RED line ,,,, it can't be petrol ,, Wawawawawa ,,, nothing ,,, the engine sure as hell sounded dead ,,, Wawawawawa ,, nothing again ,,, like the proverbial bloody Do-Do ,, I left it a few minutes in case I had "flooded" it ,, by this time of course I'm causing mayhem ,,, I'm stuck in the middle of the single lane road, three car lengths back from the lights and it's work/school time, mega-busy ,,, I put on the Hazard lights and sit there stunned ,,, Wawawawwa ,,, my Alfa Romeo ,,, the Italian Stallion, is DEID ! No point to wasting any more battery power ,, the bugger is simply refusing to even acknowledge that I'm in a hurry ,, C'mon ya useless bastard I said ,, It's Turnberry today ,, not bloody Cowglen !! Move your arse or you're on the "For Sale" list !
I phoned George ,,," Slight cock-up on the travel front Reggie,"I told him ,,, "may just have run out of the ole jungle juice !! Can you maybe hop in the Jag and bring me down a gallon in a can ?" George duly arrives some 10-minutes later ,, Ah good, no panic, still plenty time to make Maybole for our tee time !
Glug, glug, glug ,, in goes the gas ,,,,, hands now wet and stinking of petrol but never mind that ,, let's get this show on the road ,, Wawawawawawawa ,,, ohhh shit ,, the bugger still refuses me !! Wawawawawa, wawawawawa, wawawawawa, You bastard ! ( If I'd had a tree branch handy I'd have done a Basil Fawlty right there on Harvie Ave.!! )
Then I think ,,, Mother had a "petrol situation" just like this a few years ago, and after I had WALKED from almost Eaglesham to EK and back to get a can of ,,, hers wouldn't start either ,, the AA man eventually telling us that modern cars need TWO gallons to get up and running again ,,,
"George" I asked ,, "could you ,, eh ,, another gallon please ... oh ta "
Off he went ,,, time is a marching here ,,, it's now about 9.30 am ,, but still time enough ,,,,???
He's back in 5 minutes ,,,, glug, glug, glug ,, it still seemed to be guzzling it down hungrily ! ,,, hands now absolutely honking of the stuff ,, ( George's can leaked a bit at the pouring end !! ) but at last it's all in ,,,
Right, Now we're on our way ? Wawawawawawa ,,, c'mon ya swine , Waawawawawawa, Wawawawa ,,, you shit car ,, you're definitely on the For Sale list ,,, tomorrow morning 1st. thing !
Deid, deid, deid ,, Arghhhhh. We phone Turnberry and CANCEL ,,, it's pishing it down here but we KNOW it would have been ok on the Hallowed Turf ,,, never rains in Maybole ,, every golfer's wife knows that !
George tells me, "Lock up the car and I'll drive you down to your garage man ,, see if he'll come up and get it going ?" Ok ,,,
Oh for Jesus' sake ,,, now the bloody doors won't lock either ?? What's up wi' this stupid car ??
I rush round locking them with the key and ,, naturally, for it's already THAT kind of day ,, I skid on the grass verge and go arse over tit in the rain and the mud ,,,
Now I have to get into George's Jag ,, the new one with the CREAM LEATHER Upholstery ,,, He is a real friend George ,, Had it been the other way round I'd have made him strip !!
I explain all to Ian, my tame garage mechanic, who raises his eyebrows when I get to the part of the alarm system and doors not working either ???
"No point in my coming Dougie" he says ,, "it would need the Alfa computer diagnostics thingy ,,, these new cars are all tied up in computer technology and we can't get into them without the correct gear ,,, Phone the AA" he says ,, "you must still have Manufacturer's warrenty on it ",,, Mmmmmm ... never thought of that ! Doh ,,,
We went home ,, and over coffee I phone the AA ,, Name ?, car reg.? address ? ,, granny's maiden name ? ,, you know ,, then ,, as I'm waiting to be told the warrenty expired last week ,, the girl tells me ,, "we'll have a Patrolman there inside the hour sir ,, he'll phone you 15-minutes before he gets to your location ! " Wow, now there's service ,,,
I remember at this point and look in my wallet for petrol money for George ,,, I give him my only fiver ,,, ( I have a £20 but nothing else ) ,, saying "I'll owe you a pound or two ,, I'll get the coffees at Turnberry next time ,, "ok says George telling me, jokingly, that his can held a fiver's worth EACH time he filled it ,,, "Oops ,, sorry pal, I'll owe you another £5 then "
Back to the car ,, the AA man goes thro' his routine ,,,
Wawawawa ,, as if it would start now for him ?? Ha, Then to save wasting my battery any further, he gets out his own BIG battery ,, WAWAWAWAWAWAWA ,,, ha again ,, deid as ,,,
"Right sir" he says "why don't you and your friend sit in the other car ,, you can't help here and you're just getting wet watching ! I'll get the Alfa Diagnostics plugged in ,,, "
So George gets the heater going in the Jag and we chat about our might have been golf round ,,,
The AA guy takes maybe 5 minutes and then comes over to me ,,, "that's it going again now sir ,,, "
"Oh well done ", says I "what was the problem ",,, ?
"Did you have any big, heavy passenger in the car this morning or anything happen to your passenger seat ?? "
"Eh ,, no ,, not that I can ,,,,, Ohhhh wait, ,,, I moved the seat back while sitting at the lights ,, and ,,, just before the car died ??? " Uh-oh ,,? Why ?
"You RAM it back hard ? "
"Eh, maybe ,, aye ,,, "
"Well what's happened SIR, is that the car thought you were in a collision at that point, and did what it's designed to do ,, IT CUT OFF THE FUEL PUMP ,,, to save you being killed by stopping any fire possibility !! And your alarm system then also went into action and UNLOCKED all the doors ,,, a fine car sir ,, and with quite a sophisticated system ,,, ( and quietly he says ,,,better than your friend's Jag in that respect sir ! ) "
Oh, thinks me ,,, well maybe the Italian Stallion is off the For Sale list ,,, for now !
"For future ref. sir ,, see this little Black Box under the passenger's seat ,, and that little button on top of it ,, well just reset that by pressing the button if it ever happens again ,, but I doubt you'll ever ram the seat back like that again will you sir ??"
"Thanks ",,, I go back to George's car to tell him all is well ,,, he gives me back the only change either of us has ,,, the Fiver ,,,, "for the AA guy for his help in the rain",,,
So it's been a bad day for me ,, missing my Turnberry golf outing ,, but an even worse one for George ,, Not to play has cost George a Tenner and a cleaning job on his leather upholstery !!
Last thought on the day ,,, Did fate by any chance keep us away from the M77 to Maybole that day for other, much more important reasons ???? I wonder ????
Nee-naw-nee-naw-nee-naw ,,,

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Just a few wee anoyances from today's news !

Seems somebody at the BBC still has a sense of humour : Jack McConnel and Alex Salmond are to go head to head in a TV special ahead of the May Election ,,, And just when is this meeting of the Clowns to take place ,, Why April 1st of course !!

Oh here's a good one : It's been mooted that the Polis should pay for their own training ,,, AND also for their routine SKILLS testing ,, Like doing self certifying MOT's ?
Who comes up with this shite ? Oh I know ,, it's the Polis Recruiting Panel !!

Oh and 10-years down the line a JURY is finally gonna tell us how Diana and Dodi died !!
Eh, did I miss something ,, Wis it no' a car crash ??

And then there's her man ,,, Charlie ,,, He's about to be sued ,,, by McDonalds ! What a hoot ,, the bloody heir to the throne getting it in the ear from a burger joint ,,, Respect man !! Wicked !

Hahahaha ,,, 1 in 4 people in deprived areas are struck down ,,, with Depression ,,, and I thought it would be struck doon in the auld fashioned Glesca way ,, you know, wi' a Glesca kiss or a knife in the ribs !!! But hey, who can blame them ,,,,Well wid you no' be depressed living in some/any of Glesca's deprived areas.

Oh and here's "NEWS" for you ,, aye but only if you're a daft Politician wi' yer heid up yer ain arse?
The army of persistent young offenders has swelled by more than 6% ( again ) to a new record high. Well I'll be ,,,, I'm gobsmacked !!
Of course every NON Politician in the land knows why ,, It's simply because naebody skelps their arses when they're young. And once they're auld enough the Courts don't deal with them either.

I see too that wee Charlotte is banged up ,,, Made millions with the voice of an angel ,,, now "sings" like a demented rock chick on speed , gets pissed every day of the week and curses on live TV like a rugby player ,, Oh and that's no doubt how she got pregnant ,,, out on the town drinking and cursing it up with the boys from the Rugger club ? And what do you know ,,,we have another little foul mouthed Welsh singer on the way ,,, oh goody !
Her mother must be so proud of her little angel ??

Hey, more ground breaking stuff ,, Hearts, the Jam Tarts, have a new manager ,, sorry, Head Coach ,, that's only 7-now under the reign of the crazy Lithuanian.

We're to get a revealing new TV documentary starting this week ,, This is going to show us in graphic detail how our meat gets from the slaughterhouses onto our tables !! That'll be riviting viewing ,, at tea time no doubt !

And finally one straight from the Fun Book 2007 ,, Gold Edition ! No, I mean one of today's top broadsheet newspapers.
There seems to be a decline in trust in Politics in Britain today, forcing Politicians ( forcing them mind you ) into tailoring their messages with "defensive care" ( whatever the hell that is ! ) to what they feel the broad mainstream ( that's you and me btw ) can bear to hear !
And ,,, Hahahahaha ,,, they've even got that wrong ,,, 'cause I can't bear to hear anything the useless bastards have to say !

Monday, February 26, 2007

Old John has gone to the Big Golf Course in the Sky

Today was a sad/happy day !
Old John Kennedy, our 2nd. oldest member at 94 ! finally went to meet the old Golf Pro up there.
I guess, him being a believer, he'll now be playing off scatch on that beautifully manicured Augusta course in the sky ?
A real old "character", John played 9 or 10 -holes two or three times a week right up until 5 or 6-weeks ago when he suffered a stroke. He was treated at home for a week or two before going into hospital ,,, and was only there for 17-days before he got really tired and went for his last sleep.
Way to Go old pal ... Hope you find all you ever dreamed about ,,, well apart from a world conquering Rangers team ,, even Heaven can't achieve the impossible!!
You'll be missed.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Talking Euthanasia :)

I see even C & H talk about it !!
And hey, Heaven might be a fairly decent option after all ??
See attached :

Friday, February 16, 2007

The Euthanasia Debate

I quote this article verbatim with no apologies for you all to read and hopefully to vote for.
Sadly I didn't write it, but if you want to read a well written, thought provoking article then this woman does a different one EVERY DAY in the Herald .

Why euthanasia is the moral choice

Regular readers of The Herald will be aware that a couple of weeks ago we said goodbye to Fergus the famous police horse, Glasgow's wonderful old public servant, who lived with me in retirement.
We put him to sleep because he had reached the stage, with age and arthritis, where he was no longer able to get up after lying down. Horses weigh more than half a ton: a few days previously, it had taken five of us with ropes to get the distressed animal onto his feet. To avoid him suffering again, and to allow him to end his life with dignity, we decided to euthanise him before there was a repeat incident.
So I organised the final act of kindness: or, if we attempt vainly to avoid euphemisms, his death. A kindly vet sent him on his way: at home, peacefully, surrounded by friends, with the sun on his back and no pain in his bones. I was touched by the number of letters I received from people afterwards, and interestingly there was a shared sentiment in many of them: the hope that when our time comes, when we can't get up any more, someone will perform the same act of kindness for us humans. The words were written jokily, but they expressed a profundity.
I don't think we can underestimate just how many people feel this way regarding their own demise. A recent survey by the ethicist Professor Sheila McLean of Glasgow University, and others, for the National Centre for Social Research, suggests that more than 80% of people support some kind of code of voluntary euthanasia for the terminally ill.
It is as if we all know, deep down in our bones, that there will come a time when we will seek the final choice. And it's precisely at that point that the insanity of a society which devotes its energies to the prolongation of human life, at any cost, but refuses to allow for the calm, kind termination of it, under any circumstance, will be brought home to each and every one of us.
As Elizabeth Clery, one of the authors of the report, states: "The current law that prohibits assisted dying is at odds with public opinion - most people accept that a doctor should be allowed to end the life of someone who is terminally and painfully ill."
On perhaps the most crucial issue of all in an ageing society, the law has been left behind by changing societal values. That effectively means, in a democracy, that the moral argument has already been won.
I’d like to go as old Fergus did, when I’m a burden to my family
How can we spend a lifetime being preached the gospel of choice, absorbing a bewildering array of alternatives at every turn - cars; clothes; hospitals; schools; groceries; novels; films - and yet ultimately be denied the most important choice of all?
How come I can choose 20 ridiculous variations of latte, mocha or Americana, but not the right to say, thanks, but I've had enough.
Last week saw the death, in a Swiss suicide clinic, of the businesswoman Elisabeth Rivers-Bulkeley, who was suffering from cancer. This week we heard the harrowing story of Kelly Taylor, the 30-year-old woman who lives in constant pain from a congenital heart defect and a spinal disorder. Next week it will doubtless be someone else, some other brave, pitiful pioneer demonstrating against the law's out-dated, indefensible position.
Mrs Taylor is a crystal clear case for legal reform. She has been told she has a year to live but doctors are unable to control her pain, and you can see the suffering in her sweet, serene face. She asked her doctors to increase her morphine to the point where she would go into a coma-like sedation, at which point her living will, requesting she be neither fed nor hydrated artificially, would kick in.
Mrs Taylor's doctors, immune from prosecution only as long as they can show their intention was to ease pain rather than hasten death, have had to refuse her request, and she goes to the High Court in London next month. Her lawyers intend to cite Article 3 of the European Convention of Human Rights, which prohibits inhuman or degrading treatment, and Article 8, which guarantees the right to respect for private and family life. My heart hopes she is successful; my head knows she won't be.
Only last May the House of Lords, unduly influenced by church leaders, voted by 148 to 100 to block Lord Joffe's Assisted Dying for the Terminally Ill Bill, thus kicking the issue into the long grass. In Scotland, much the same thing has happened with the suicide bill from Jeremy Purvis, the LibDem MSP. The churches, whether they can accept it or not, are shoring up an arcane and undemocratic law.
I can't speak for anyone else, but I'd like to go as old Fergus did. At the point at which my legs give up, or I can't move or eat or wash, or I'm a chronic burden on my family, I'd like someone to help me die. There's nothing depressing about this. Quite the opposite. As Kelly Taylor puts it: "I'm a happy person. I've never been depressed. But my illness is now at the point where I don't want to deal with it any more." Animals, if they are well cared for, are much luckier than humans, because they are not allowed to linger.
I believe that the only immorality in euthanasia lies in the withholding of it. A person of uncertainties, I have never been more sure of anything than on this. I have lived a lot closer to the moral dilemma, and thought much more deeply about it, than a good deal of people, and I've come to the clear conclusion that there is much more morality inherent in ending a distressing life than in keeping it going.
My mother had vascular dementia. Mostly she was gone, but tiny bits of her brain still functioned, just as a few brave plants flower amongst the expanse of weeds in a neglected garden. She wandered in order to die; as she deteriorated, she told me her intentions. She didn't want to be a burden. Were we native Americans of old, we could have left the doors open so she could go somewhere and lie down for the last time. But we weren't. Convention decreed we had to lock the doors, and then, when we couldn't manage her any more, put her in a home.
There, driven by a visceral instinct, she escaped. Foiled all the alarm systems, sidestepped the pressure pad alerts. Immensely frail, deranged but not that deranged, she plotted her exit in the night, negotiated a dark warren of storage rooms, found an outside door and lay down to die, freed at last by the thick white frost of the garden. We, her family, were dumbfounded by her courage. She'd euthanised herself. She'd achieved her aim.
And so it was, when Fergus died, on that sunny morning two weeks ago, it occurred to me that my mother, had she not beaten the system so magnificently, might still be alive somewhere, face to the wall, force-fed, drugged, a shell of a human being in purgatory.
Immoral?,,, anyone?