Saturday, March 31, 2007

Dedicated to my friend, Big " T "

Big "T" ( no forenames or surnames lest the Polis read this ,,,, our past-but-one, Seniors Captain ! Oops ...) was pulled over just a few days ago by the Polis just along the road after leaving Cowglen ,,
He was overtaking a car turning left and hit the apparently illegal 38 MPH ,,, well it was in the 30 zone so I suppose ,,,,.,.,. ( they had the dreaded gun on him ! )
Oops he thought ,,, followed by ,,Oh sh** At this point he then remembered his pint of Guinness and two ( little ? ) whiskies, after his round of golf !!!
Oh sh** indeed ! But he also remembered he had a coffee and chocolate biscuit with his good lady wife before leaving the lounge !!
Maybe that nice chocolate would negate the effect of the alcohol ?? He hoped ! Ha :)
He convinced them in the back of their meat-wagon that No, of course he hadn’t been drinking that day ,, the smell on his breath must be from the biscuit or maybe the nightcap he had at bedtime last night ,,,
He was also on the ball, quick witted enough to remember, at such a stressful and worrying
time, a little tip he had gotten from a retired polis of our acquaintance ,,,
Viz : Take a big breath in via your nose but don’t inhale ,.,. then blow it quickly into the polis' wee bag ,,,,
Mmmmm, good to know these things ( if they work ? )
Blow me down ,, he thought ,,, it’s worked ,,, the breathalyser showed a quantity of alcohol in his blood stream right enough, but JUST below the handcuff level ,.,.,. Wheeeeew, ooooooooh ,,,
So he walked ,,, a free man ,,, out of the meat-wagon and back to his wife and his car ,,, a man who will now really enjoy the Glesca Patter below !!
( Hopefully also one who has learned a valuable little life lesson ? ) Don't get CAUGHT !!

The Glasgae Patter

The Glasgow, or more properly "Glesca" dialect is known to be extremely concise, as so much can be said in so few words.
Consider for example, this exchange between a car-driver, and the police officer who pulled him over. Interpretation is provided inside the brackets for those who need it.

Police officer: Yaw rite? (Are you feeling ill?)
Driver: Imawrite. (No. I'm feeling exceptionally well, thank you)
Yeshoor ? (Are you entirely certain of that fact?)
Aye. (Yes)
Zisyoors ? (Are you the registered owner of this vehicle?)
Zwitmine ? (Which vehicle are you referring to ? ) Ris caur (The automobile in which you are presently seated)
Sibrurn laws (Actually, it belongs to my sister's husband)
Wersheeren ? (Can you tell me where he can be located?)
'Raboozers. (He is a guest of the local hostelry.)
Yebeen garglin'. (Have you partaken of any alcoholic beverages, in the recent past?)
Jissa cupple. (I have consumed only one or two small cocktails, prior to dinner.)
Yur stoatin'. (It is my considered opinion that you are well under the influence of alcohol.)
Naw'mno' (I beg to differ.)
Ye urstoatin'. (I believe that my initial observation is correct, and that you are being deceitful.)
Umnoe. (I swear that I am being entirely truthful.)
Geezyer licence. (Would you be kind enough to allow me to inspect your drivers licence?)
Vno Goatwan. (I am not in possession of such a document.)
Geroot racaur. (Kindly remove yourself from the automobile.)
Whiffur? (By what legal right do you make this request?)
'Mapolis. (I am a member of the local constabulary.)
Geroot Ren. (Will you now please extricate yourself from your position behind the steering wheel?)
Awrite, 'mcomin' (I am proceeding to do so with all possible speed.)
Blawris up. (Are you familiar with the breathalyser test?)
'Mgonny Besik. (I believe that I am about to be violently ill.)
Noanme Yurno. (Please exercise a great deal of caution as to the direction your involuntary emission takes.)
'Mawrite Noo (Having ridden my digestive tract of an accumulation of nausea- inducing substances, I now feel better.)
Getna meatwagon. (please be kind enough to accept a short ride in the humble vehicle provided for my use by the local police.)
Wer Wigaun? (May I be so forward as to make an enquiry as to our ultimate destination?)
Ra Jile. (To my headquarters, where you will be incarcerated.)
Ohmigoad, rawife'll murder me. (Once again I call upon the Supreme Being to witness this unfortunate turn of events. Incidentally, I must also inform you that my spouse will take my life, illegally.)
Getna Wagon. (May I offer you my assistance in climbing into the back of my vehicle?)
Aw, Neveragain. Ratsit furme. (I have now learned a valuable lesson, and I hereby declare total abstinence from all alcoholic beverages hence forth.)

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