Friday, June 18, 2010

Bloody Foreigners !

So what did I do yestertime you ask ?
I abandoned my Thursday golf game to go to my grandwe'an's School Sports Day.
Do Thursday's get any better you might wonder ? :-(
Ok, so it was only a junior school event .,., Primary Sports as distinct from Premier Sports !
Running races, three-legged races, bunny-hops with the big bouncy Pom-Poms. ( as my little spectator grandson called them ! )
All great FUN .,.,
Now in my day these school sports days were a parental highlight of their kid's "academic"year.
The old Brownie Box Cameras were out in force snapping away, taking ( mostly ) blurred photos that would last a lifetime and bring much needed nostalgia in later life.
What happens in today's enlightened society ?.,.,
I'll tell you .,.,., One effing ethnic MINORITY parent objects to their we'an being photographed & the school ( the so called intelligentsia no less ) plays along with this moron and BANS all photography .,., so the MAJORITY of SCOTTISH parents don't get to have memories or nostalgia pics for their or their kid's auld age ! This nonsense is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE and I'm giving you all fair warning ,,, next year my camera will be there and I will be taking pics of MY kids ,, and if theirs get in the shot ,, that's too damned bad !
I will no longer be dictated to by these closed mind, MINORITY, IDIOTIC so called parents.
If these people object to Sports Day pics or any other school activity pics then THEY CAN REMOVE THEIR BLOODY CHILDREN from these activities ! Mine are staying and mine are getting their photos taken !
It is every kid's right to have their Big Days recorded for posterity and I intend to do just that for MY KIDS in ALL future school days ,,,
And just let them try taking my camera out of my hands !
Yeah, that IS a threat !!
Finally I would URGE all you Silent Majority British parents .,., if you want your children to inherit OUR country for God's sake stand up now and be counted !

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Holy Watter & wee black & yellar hings !

For some weeks, nay months, we've had this wee intermittent kinda leak at the living room radiator inlet pipe. This has taken the form of a damp patch appearing on the new'ish wood floor around said pipe, but days later, mysteriously it would disappear again ,,, Then a week or two would pass with no sign of damp, lulling us into a false sense of "well that's it gone now" security.
Alas no, days later it was back !
Then we decorated the hall .,., part of this new look included moving a well loved ( by me ) but big ( and bloody heavy ) cupboard ,,, out ! Having done this, we then noticed a wet patch on the carpet at the hall radiator inlet pipe !! A very similar small damp patch to the living room, no more than a few inches around the pipe .,., but this time rotting the very good quality Buchanan Tartan carpet there. ( Clannish ? Moi ? )

Time to investigate I thinks ?.,.,., having a paranoid fear of touching anything to do with water systems in the hoose, lest I cause a major flood :-( we called our tame plumber chappie.
Herself had deemed the hall radiator somewhat inadequate for purpose, the hall never being what one might consider warm ! ,, and so she wanted a much bigger one put in anyway ......
( No, I'll no' go there !! )
Our man listened to my theory about the possible cause of both leaks ,,, I had surmised that the pipe ( under the floor ) going from one radiator to the other had maybe suffered a wee burst and was spraying water UP from underneath because I couldn't see any actual water leak above ground ! ? He looked at me like I had a second head ( which also buttoned up the back ) and ran his finger round the offending pipes .,.,.,"Look," he says in that supercilious plumber sorta way .,., "Wet finger !! Water disnae generally spray UP Dougie !"
He promptly produced a spanner & tightened both ( loose ) fittings ( by quite a few turns I might add !!! ) Who'd have imagined that after only 35 years couplings would come loose ? If I could get my hands on that guy who installed the Central Heating !!
Ever feel a fool ?? ( Naw, me neither ,, I generally prefer a woman myself :-) )
Anyway with both leak problems now solved I asked El Plumb if, while here fitting the new radiator he'd replace the overflow pipe in the loft which was broken and which had caused the water running down the walls problem last year that led me to re-decoration in the first place.
"No probs" he says ,, ( and him not even from Oz ! ) "I'll just take a look up there to ensure I bring the corrct size pipe."
With that up he goes on my ladder ,,, pops up the loft cover, sticks his head in to switch on the light ,, and jumps straight off the ladder again shouting ,,, "Bloody Hell, Jesus ! You've got wasps or bees or something up there ".,.,
"Aw jings & Holy Watter" says I ( or something like that ! )
I nip up quickly and replace the loft cover .,., a few wee peeks later I conclude that I have no idea whether said invasion is by the Wasp or the Bee clan ! Wee black & yellow Buzzers certainly !
However after a day or two with the camera & Google help the general consensus is that we definitely have BEES ! ( Honey or Bumble ? don't ask .,., I couldn't care less ! )
I phone the Cooncil who advise that they will come & exterminate wasps for £40 !! ( eh, tell me again why I pay £thousands in Council tax please ??? )
BUT they say, if it's Bees and we come out we will still charge the £40 but bees are PROTECTED & we therefore won't touch them !! You'd then have to hire the services of a Bee Keeper to come & smoke/flush them out and take them away ??
"Eh ,,, Excuse me" I say ,, "these bloody B's are SQUATTING in ma hoose ( well my upstairs property !!" )
"Sorry sir," says the nice young thing "but if you can just wait a bit they'll be gone by end Aug !!"
Gone ? Gone ?? Gone where and can I bee sure they'll have taken all the relatives with them ,, old workers who presumably become redundant in autumn ,, old Queens ??? I really don't even want to think about old Queens in my upstairs ( and definitely not in my downstairs thank you very much ! )
The helpful ( & still fairly new ) son-in-law advises me to look on the brighter side at all the free honey available ( if you can get to it !! )
Wi' these kinda suggestions he may not last !!
I've already had words with the daiughter !
So, as I finish this little tale, I'm in the market ( not the Meerkat ! ) for any FREE advice from Bee keepers or any other learned bodies with a view to a kill or at the very least a rounding up & chasing off of the wee yellar & black varmits so that El Plumb can fix my overflow before the rainy season !

Saturday, June 05, 2010

Gordy Black Pudding !

We have the grandson of the Buchanan clan with us this weekend for TWO consecutive sleep-overs !! How brave is that ?
Mum & Dad are gone ,,, off on a jolly .,., possibly their last for many years to come, although I haven't told them that .,., YET !
So we have the #1 son of that blessed union whilst #2 son is still baking !
They've gone to a luxury hotel in Royal Troon for some pampering ( and haven't even considered a game on the wonderful Royal Troon links !! I find it hard to believe the father is my son !!
Anyway today Gordy & the grand dad ( that's me ) are thinking up new names for the forthcoming baba .,., we've been through all the current contenders to no avail and now we've settled on "Nick-Names".
I have now let all the daughter's kid's nick-names out the bag and told Gordy about Mini-Mec, Baby Magic, The Pudgeman, Anna Bits & Tiny Troll so we just HAD to come up with two more ,, one for him & one for his baby brother.
So here they are :
Gordy will forthwith be deemed ... "Gordy Black Pudding" ( anyone who knows this kid will know how much of this stuff he can tuck away & therefore why this moniker is so very appropriate ! ) Now the new babe is a different matter altogether .,., we haven't been introduced yet so coming up with a wise crack moniker isn't so easy and may in due course change !
But for now we've settled on ,,,, wait for it .,.,., "Baby-Ben-10" ( no Mum, this was definitely NOT my idea !! but you know how these names stick :-)
Have a nice weekend folks ,, you just never know what you'll get back after TWO sleep-overs !!!
Ahh -hahahahahaha ...

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Yer Other National Team !

Step up and take a bow yon wee Martin Steele, Marketing Manager of our other National drink, Iron Bru ! Martin is the wee genius, obviously made from girders, who has dreamt up the Sales Ad of the year .,., mibbie even the decade ?
Anywhooo, he's come up wi' this magic wee ruse ( to sell more of his ) { and our } beloved National brew !
He argues that if we ( that's Scotland of course ) want to win the World Cup of Footie then we need an infusion of new blood !
Brazilian blood would be good since they seem to win this trophy more than most ?
So, BRUZIL is born ! Samba MacFootball is on the horizon !
To "lay" in place the team of teams for World Cup 2034 we need to start now .,., ipsofacto, Martin wants us all ( boys AND girls from John O' Groats to the Borders ) to do holidays/visit Brazil "make friends" ( sow seeds if you will !! ) become the Parental Talent for the cause .,., Woof -Ya ! count me in wee man ,, I'm on my way to Rio's Copacabana beach right now !
Old Archie Gemmill ( late of our failed attempt circa 1978 but with a magnificent last ditch effort against the mighty Dutch ) and Andy ( heid the ba' ) Gray are fronting the newest game in town under the pseudonyms Arcihno Gemmelo & Andsilva Graato .,.,.,., urging us all to "get a Brazilian" ( ouch ! ) and make some new friends !!
So let's up, up & away to sunny Brazil and get busy on our future team all you 18/30 holiday lads & lassies .,., oh & some older talent too ,, those of us who can still recall the Great Days and the magic Scots who strutted their stuff on that Wembley turf in 1967 !!
Enter soon the likes of Eddie Alves, Crawford Baptista, Donaldo, MacKaka, mibbies even the new MacPelé, not to mention one brilliant wee left winger who goes by the tag Dougihno Buchista o' Parkheid !
Wee Archie reckons: "We huvnae qualified for the World Cup since France in 1998 so it's time for drastic measures. If we can harness the Scottish passion and the Brazilians' natural footballing skills then what a combination. I'm sure parents of these Scottish-Brazilian children will agree the kids should play for Scotland. We need all the help we can get. We need to boost our footballing DNA."
Archie enjoyed snuggling up to two Brazilian samba babes at the campaign's Glasgow launch yesterday but he regrets that he personally CAN'T do his bit for the Nation this time - because his wee wife Betty would kill him !
Irn-Bru have already placed lonely heart ads in Brazilian papers calling on locals to help Scotland.
One ad, in Portuguese naturally, placed in Rio De Janeiro's Extra newspaper, says:
"Scots lass seeks Brazilian man with good sense of humour to make Scottish football magic.
And I've got a fridge full of Irn-Bru" she says.

And another mickey-take sees Sky Sports expert Andy Gray commentating on Scotland's line-up for the 2034 World Cup Final with players including Flavio McFadden and Aberdeeninho.
I've a feeling this team might just do the business and we can then rub it into our downstairs neighbours for the next 44 years !!

See more fun at .,.,.,