Thursday, September 22, 2011

Feral, adj, Wild !

What's with these new fangled words ?
A year ago I'd never heard the word FERAL before in my entire life ,, and that's been a while now !
Nowadays you can't avoid it ,, feral children, feral dogs, cats, gardens, you name it everydamnthing has suddenly become .,.,., WILD !
I know I shouldn't ask, since I have a daughter Lexicographer who is, in fact, responsible for such additions / subtractions to our language ,, but I will anyway...
Who decides, and on just what basis, to add / subtract new & old words from our everyday already wonderful language?
To whoever it is I say .,.,., Bugger off -- Leave our English alone ya interfering shower !
Wild is more than adequate to describe ,, WILD !
For some people English is already difficult enough !

Here's a wee add on to this blog to illustrate my point ,,,
Phyl, the beautiful daughter, was once "involved" with the Police ,,, Can't remember if she was a witness to something or if someone had driven into the back of her car ,, I checked & someone indeed had banged into her beloved little Italian Chuggy Fiat 500.
A young Bobby, let's call him PC Dumb, was allocated at the scene to take her details ,,,
He started in the usual fashion ,, Name please ?.,.,.,.,
Phyllis she replied ,,
Right that's FIL,, eh how do you spell that name  ..   Try PHY.... officer she said.
Ok Surname ?,,, Buchanan .,., OK, right .. That's eh, BUCK,,  eh can you spell that please miss !
Occupation ?  he asks next  ,,,, At this point the we'an, having got the measure of her man, decided on her career title Sunday name ,,,,
Eh I'm a Multi-Lingual Lexicographer, she replied    :)
At this juncure in proceedings PC Dumb looked like he might actually cry ,,, gave up the ghost, tore the paper out his pad & crumpled it into the nearest bin ,,,,
Maybe you should come down to the station Miss & explain it all to the Sarge !!

So, albeit our Coppers are possibly a little on the thick side, can you smart Alex's leave our language alone ,,,
If you check you'll find out that the Feral word appears only in the Collins English dictionary ,,, there's no mention of such an abomination in either the Scots gem or indeed the Larger Concise Scots Dictionary.
I rest my Scottish case !

Mind Racing ?

The beloved tells me I've started talking in my sleep ( again ) !
However, this time round it appears I'm having full blown conversations with people ,,
I'm obviously getting answers to my questions as well as the reverse, while fast asleep ....
Some of these chats leave me angry, some giggling hysterically in mirth ,, but it seems quite odd to me that I should be chatting away to someone and hearing them respond without actually being aware of it all ?  (although ocassionally I wake up in the middle of such bletherings & am vaguely aware that something has been going on in the nocturnal ramblings arena )
I don't seem to get any faces ,, so I don't really know who I'm talking to !
What is causing this phenomenon I wonder ?
Naturally I have a theory !
It's this ,,, my mind is full of stuff at this time & is racing away with it all  ,, almost out of control you might say. I'm trying to come to terms with my emm, ,,,, fate I guess ? 
And more importantly, the fate of my beloved, our kids and theirs.
I'm not sure but, maybe this causes the mind to race off on it's own and plan stuff for their future ??
Or of course I could simply be an inveterate rambling old fool ?
Answers on a PC please to the usual address !

Monday, September 19, 2011

It's B & Q 's New Folly ,, oops I mean Policy !

Went down to the giant DIY store the other day ,,,
I'd been told my request would be thrown out, but hey, if you don't ask, you don't get ,, right ?
As regular readers of this blog will know, there's a new carpet in the old bedroom !
Much more plush, carpets these days ,, or if you will,, THICK !
Ipsofacto, the door won't close ,,, needs a smidgen off the bottom edge ,, literally 1-cm !
I spotted 3 ,, yeah three, "B & Q "workers" sitting round a table close to the band saw which would do the job in less than 10-seconds ( and do it straight & true ! ) ( two more were "jawing", about last night's footie game,  they were hard at it, & didn't even see me hovering around, so I decided not to interrupt ! )
I asked the threesome  ( very pleasantly ) if this was a private card school or could anyone join in !
They took it in good spirit and listened while I explained about my carpet/ door/ cut required.
Ooh sorry they said ( almost like they meant it ) but we're not allowed to cut doors any more !
Seems it's a "Health & Safety" ( ?? )  issue and even worse,, some customers on having the work done complain that we've cut it wrong and sue us for replacement new doors !
OK says I ,, I'll give you a carte -blanche written disclaimer ,, I know you won't cock it up. 
Thanks sir but afraid it's still a No-no ,,, we'd get sacked if "they" caught us !
Ok I say again ,, the doors are very old so how about I just buy a few new doors from you and then you can cut them to the correct height ?
Nope, they chorused, we can't even cut our own doors any more !! 
I had wondered when I arrived why there was so many "workers" in this dept. and no customers .,.,
I don't any more !!!  It's the new B & Q policy for selling ZERO doors.

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Ode to Tiffany...or, Tiff thing, I think you move me !

My regular readers will be aware that the beloved & I recently bought a new light for the re-decorated bedroom.
In actual fact I found & bought this hanging thing of beauty.
We pushed the boat out a little and bought what I thought at the time was a rather "nice", if expensive Tiffany lamp...
It's colours blended well with the new wallpaper, carpet, curtains etc, & so the bullet was bitten & the deed was done !
Having now moved back into our bedroom I see just how good the Tiff looks.
Each morning as the sun comes up I awaken to a glorious display of glass & colour.
In fact I awaken to it twice !  Yeah, she's on the ceiling & in the wardrobe door mirror !
She is brilliant ,,, Fan-bloody-tastic & worth every penny !
Tiff thing.... You make my heart sing,
                    You make everything ,,,
                    Groovy !

Tiff thing.... I think I love you !

Humble apologies to Big Reg & the Troggs !!

Thursday, September 01, 2011

An ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER as received by the Issuing Authority !

This letter is a thing of great beauty (even if the language is a bit choice) ... You can definitely feel the guy's pain ! 

Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.
For Christ sake, do you guys do this by hand ? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 50 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last half dozen damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed to step off the plane over the last 40 years, and all those insufferable, & useless census forms.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Phyllis, my father's name is Bill and I'd be abso-f*cking-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I, like both of them die!!!!!!    
I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this utter bullshit ! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f*cking address !!!!
What is going on ? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there ? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for sh*t sake. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere warm. 
And would someone please, please tell me, why would you give a sh*t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days ? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last f*cking people I'd tell !
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day ??
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make some sense. You'd rather have us running all over the f*ckin' place like chickens with our  heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic f*ckin' morons)
Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile even if we wanted to?
Because we're totally pissed off ! Aye Wi' YOU !
An Irate Citizen.
   P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since the year DOT !  Way back in the 15 / 1600's ... we have all lived, worked & paid taxes here since then .........
However, I have to get someone 'IMPORTANT' to verify who I am - you know,
someone like my doctor ... aye him WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F*CKING   PAKISTAN  and came here 5-years ago ! 
( Has anybody at the department checked his passoport yet ?? )