Saturday, August 23, 2008

You never get rid of them really, do you ?

Hi-Ho, hi-ho, it's off to work I go ,,,,

The daughter and her new man ( well, truth be told, he's not so new anymore ,, a bit older ,, a bit less hair already ,,, but certainly no wiser ,, how could he possibly get any wiser ?? The boy is the living incarnation of Auguste Rodin's "Thinker" except that he does it in Blog !!
The poor guy is used maybe .,., instant multiple father figure & new dad ,,, help-ma-boab ,,.,. he's just a bit crazy ?
No, in fact, on reflection ,, far from wiser ,,, he's nearer to stupider, obviously !!
Oh I digress ,,,
are putting in a new kitchen !!
And the work really starts ,,, eh, today !

I tried to hide but they found me .,,. so it's like a Walt Disney dwarf that I now toddle off for my (first ?) day's work in the hell-hole that is the kitchen to be !!

Stand-by for work-a-day updates !! :(
Day 1 : Well we made some progress, but slow ,,,, the lad is such an obvious academic ,,, works & thinks at a pace that'll keep this job running 'till Xmas if I don't knock him into shape !
So tomorrow, we start earlier, I take my whip along, throw out his woman and child, hide his Lap-Top and we WORK 'till he drops !
Day 2 : Went very well today ( if still a bit on the slow side :o) ) ,, My "apprentice" you see, does seem to like to admire his accompishments as he goes along ! However, as I told him today ,,,
I will never criticise him again ,.,. he did such a (brilliant) nerdy thing today .,., I have to go back down and take some photos of this stuff ! ,,, He performed cut outs on various base units for plumbing pipe work, electrics etc, today ,,, all measured up and actioned with his jig-saw while the units werre lying in the living room ,,, & upside down to boot ,, and they were ALL ,, only bloody perfect !! Wow ,,, ( me, I would have had the units in situ and marked off what chunks needed cutting out there, to be sure I hadn't marked the wrong side or confused top for bottom etc ,,, )
We seem to be finished now for the time being ! I'm on an extended break.
Mon - Frid appears not to be work days .,.,.,
Now, if only my old company had worked this kind of week ,, I might not have gotten so bored with the whole deal !!
More news come Sat. I guess ?
Friday all day I was at a friend's wedding ,.,.., so ,..,,. I started kinda late Sat .,,. Eh, about 3pm !
Sat. went pretty well just the same ,,,, we now have all the work tops cut to size and the sink cut out done and the sink fits !!
Sun we started at 9.30am .,., This of course was my punishment for turning up late Sat !!
Sun went very well too ,,, we have now built and fitted the wall units at the opposite end of the kitchen and built & fitted the large Pantry .., space is now cleared ready for delivery of the big cooker tomorrow ,,,
Very much broken the back of the job now .,,. still lots to do but all smaller, more manageable jobs ,, fitting doors, skirtings cornices, handles ,,, etc ,, after we build & fit the last couple of wall & floor cupboards ! Oh and we still have to fit and fix the work tops ,, and sink, taps, etc
Next weekend might / will ,,,, hopefully get it up & running ????
Then it's plumb in the water, gas ,,, and we're off & running ,,,
Then next we have to re work the whole of the old kitchen room and make it into a family sitting/TV room !!! That involves, plastering, boxing in redundant ( but feed ) pipework, gas piping ,,, painting, wallpapering ,, moving furniture & on & on & on ,,,
Think I need my bed now .,.,., Zzzzzzzz

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I got there first !

Here's a wee cracker from this weekend's newpaper ....
My wife found it whilst reading the Sunday paper online ,, but alas she is NOT a Blogger.
My daughter & I are therefore racing to see who Blogs the story first !
Since I see no mention of it on her Blog site tosmorning I hereby claim outright victory !!
With apologies of course to the deceased's family, but even they saw the funny side of this silly tale ?

Bungling council sends bizarre letter to OAP (after she passes away ! )
Aug 17 2008 By Fariha Karim

BLUNDERING bureaucrats wrote to a pensioner to tell her she was off a housing waiting list ... because she was dead !
And incredibly, deceased Isa Thomson was invited to appeal against the decision.
Her devastated relatives were furious at the letter - sent just three weeks after she died of septicaemia.
Council service manager Jamie Pettigrew wrote:
"I write to advise you that your application for housing has been withdrawn from the housing waiting list. "The reason for this decision is : deceased.
"If you wish to appeal against this decision you should do so in writing to the service manager at the above address."
The letter was the fourth sent to Isa, of Coatbridge, by North Lanarkshire Council since they were told of the 70-year-old's death. It was opened by her sister Christine Smith, 65.
Christine, of Carmyle, Glasgow, said: "Getting these letters brought everything back again.
"I was trying to deal with so much as it is, like clearing out our family home where Isa had lived for 49 years.
"But when I got the last letter I just couldn't believe it.
"How can they expect her to appeal against it when they know she's dead ?
"It's stupid, asking a dead person if they want to appeal against a decision. Then I started to laugh. You've got to see the funny side of it."
Christine's son Gordon, 43, of Easterhouse, Glasgow, added: "Within days of my aunt's death, my mum went up to the council with a copy of the death certificate.
"Two days later the council sent a letter to my aunt but that was OK because they had only just been told.
"None-the less, we reminded them. Then followed a second letter addressed to my aunt. The council apologised but a few days later they sent a third one about unpaid rent.
"Once again, we reminded them but it made no difference.
"The fourth letter topped the lot. Writing to a dead person is stupid enough but then asking for a reply - I think it's disgraceful."
Pettigrew, who signed the letter personally, said yesterday: "This letter was automatically generated for our records after we received notice to cancel the application.
"It was wrongly sent out due to the high volume of letters produced that day and we have taken steps to make sure it does not happen again.
"We will contact the family to offer our full and sincere apologies for any upset caused."

Oh the joys of Bureaucracy :)

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Updates on the the Orange Wall, Sony Ericsson, the Google Barrier & the War !

On the ORANGE front ,.,. Total SUCCESS !!
Mrs. Beloved now has her money back in the bank ,..,.,
and Schhhhh ,,, they seem to have left it on her 'phone as well !
I'm done complaining to these people, I'm just tired of the whole saga,
so we'll just have to live with this extra cash on the 'phone I guess !! :o)
On my Mobile 'Phone front .,.,,. Hahahaha, No SUCCESS at all !!
Well strictly speaking that's not altogether true .,,.,. I'VE managed to put Jim Murray in his place ! But it turned out to be a long and tortuous road which I had to navigate alone !
I tried again & again to make JIM see reason .,., but nope, he fancied Joycie & that was his last word on the affair !!
I made him FRED and in he went (correctly) immediately following Frank !
Ahh some success I thought ,.,. a mere glitch ,, I deleted Murray ,, in all his guises ( Jim, Fred ,, oh and Adam !! )
Next I went into the SIM card record ,,, there he was again ,, still intent on chasing wee Joycie's bum !! I dumped him outta there too .,,.
Now, I figured ,,, starting anew, with no Mr. Murray anywhere on record, he'll go stand in line where he should be ?
Bastard ! He's back chasing Joycie's tail again ,, What a little bugger he is ( literally ? )
So now I was ANGRY ,,,
I took the offending thing into the Mobile 'Phone shop, to "an expert" to look over !
This guy said he knew ALL about mobiles .,., He laughed when I told him mine had managed to misplace it's alphabet memory ! "Ha, Not possible sir", he assured me ,,, "Let me have a quick look at it and I'll sort it for you", he said, smugly !
It took him less than 5-minutes to conclude ,.,..,
"Ah, Oh, Eh, I've never seen that fault before ,, Can I interest you in a new 'phone .,,. sir "
Not so bloody smug now, are you, ya wee shit ?
Incidentally, I also decided to reverse the source of the problem whilst trying to solve this dilemma .,,. instead of saving my contacts by FIRST name, I punched the button to save them by SURNAME .,,.,. This function is also U/S on my 'phone !!.,,.??
Next I complained to Amanda that she had passed on yet another DUFF mobile in my direction !! Told her that she couldn't possibly have her new 'phone for another 18-months now,,
I'd have gone stark staring by then ! Amanda did suggest, in the nicest possible fashion, bless her, that maybe, just maybe, it could be the operator and not the 'phone that was duff ??
Now there's something I hadn't given a thought to !!
However, my son, the font of all knowledge, gadget, gidget and assorted electronic toys wise was equally baffled .,., "That's very odd", he said ,.,. I've never seen that fault before !"
Christ, if the Law ever gets too much for him he could get a job in "Fones 4 Us "
I went home ,, in something of a huff I have to say ,,, No bugger gives a toss about my faulty 'phone I concluded !
I'll fix the damned thing I told myself ! That'll show them !
So, after much trial & tribulation ,, Haha, I HAVE !!
For those of you who might find a similar glitch on your own (now cursed, all of you who laughed ,, and YOU know who you are ! ) mobiles someday ,,,,
You need to change JIMs to Jas, then enter all the details, then edit to James, and enter all the details again .,., James will go into his proper slot in the alphabet ,,,, Oh yes he will ! ,..,.,
Then next you need to EDIT the James' back to Jim .,,. and then save ,,,
Voila !! .,,.
He'll then get off your Joycie's tail !
The End !!
What ? you don't believe me ? Just try it ,,,
Any new Jims I enter (Oops !) still get after Joycie's arse ,, ( it must be the smell or something that attracts them ? ) and I have to go thro' the above procedure to fix them !

Now the Google Barrier .,.,., Still working on this one I'm afraid ,,, These swine won't answer ANY kind of communication whatsoever ,..,,. YET !
So, I've now complained to the BBC's WATCHDOG !!
Tune in sometime and watch Google getting taken to task ,,,, MIBBIE ?

Oh and lastly, my new font ?
It's Georgia, to show my solidarity stand with these good people against their Russian invaders ! So let that be a lesson to these Reds !!

Friday, August 15, 2008

What a Lotto Luck we have !

It's happened again !
Both the beloved & me have won the Lotto in the same week !
Again we had ALL six numbers ...
Again she had 4 of them and I had 3, one duplicated :)
Again we just missed the £1.7M jackpot ,,,,
She picked up a massive £22 and me ,,, the usual old Tenner !
Of course we half everything so my winnings just went up to £16 !!
One of these bloody days ?

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I have a problem ... HELP !

So, there I was ,, entering some "new contacts" on my Sony Ericsson Mobile 'phone last night ,.,..,
OK, Not rocket science you might think ? Mmmmm ,, Well think again my friend !
I entered umpteen new "golf contacts" .,., no problems ,, all went in exactly where they should go ,,, alphabetically ,,, EXCEPT ONE !!
I entered one, Jim Murray ,, and no matter how I did it he ended up incorrectly alphabetisized / alphabeticalised ?( surely even in America that just can't be a word ! ) coming in AFTER all the Jims, Joes, Johns and finally showing up AFTER Joyce ???? Eh ? ,,, How come ?
I've tried deleting him ,, re entering him ( if you'll pardon the expression !) but to no avail ,,
he wants to follow Joycie no matter where I want him ,,
I switched the damn thing off, pulled the battery to reset any possible GLITCH ,,,
Bloody Jim Murray still wants to follow Joycie ?
I changed him to FRED Murray and he behaved impeccably ,.., he jumped in immediately after the Franks ! Good man !
I then edited him ,,, re christened him Jim and wallop ,, he's off again after Joycie !
What's happening ?
Can anyone help fix this problem before I go stark staring bonkers ?
For now, Mr. Murray must remain a NON person for I simply won't allow him anywhere near my cute wee pal Joycie !

Sunday, August 10, 2008

A new idea for a Pixar movie ?

Good Morning Diary !
Nothing much on my mind tosmorning so I'll let you into a thought I had the other day ,..,,.
I was on the golf course, strangly enough ! :0) ...
I'm walking up the notorious Cowglen "Cardiac Hill" between the 4th. green & 5th. tee .,., a veritable painter's pallet of colour at this time of year, and just after heavy rain, it's beautiful. I'm just looking at the awesome summer growth of wild flowers, ferns, heathers, bushes, trees, when suddenly it strikes me !
I don't know why but Flick suddenly leapt to mind .,., you know, the wee Ant guy from the movie "A Bug's Life" was running around at my feet ,,.,.,., I started hearing all the different flowers talking to one other ,.., I immediately saw all the families .,.,.,
Those growing together on the same stem ,.., siblings obviously,, ( older brothers & sisters naturally at the top ) looking out and reporting back to the younger ones all the way down to the babies at the bottom ,,, mummies, daddies, aunties & uncles all around ,,, neighbours and strangers further away ,,,
Different species of flowers became foreigners who had moved in ! Nae Black Orchids that I could see ,, Aye ok, I know, I'm paranoid !!
Ants, birds, bumble bees, wasps, butterflies, bluebottles, flies, crickets, worms, all kinds of visitors ( even golfers stopping to pee !! ) coming & going ,,,
Then the craic started .,,. I actually heard all the different voices and the chatter going on was instantly fabulous ,,, and so funny ,.., the stuff flowers talk about .,., hahaha !!
I stopped ,,, pretended to need a pee just so's I could listen in a bit longer ,..,
I'm thinking of writing the screen play ? What d'you think ??? Could it sustain a movie audience for an hour or so ? I'm sure it could certainly become a classic Pixar Short !! I just know the graphics guys could work wonders into it.
My only worry for a Big Movie ,, ,, the setting ,.,. it could be a bit static ,.., I mean, flowers don't do a lot of running around ??
I even came up with the title right there on the spot !
It'll be called "Dougie Buchanan's Secret Life of Plants " .,.,,. ( )
Shit ! ,,, it's already been done ,,, but hey, NOT the fun version !!
'Course I might need to give Stevie Wonder a wee mention !!
But then you knew that of course, with my reference to the Black Orchid, didn't you ? You didn't really think I was being racist now did you ???

Friday, August 08, 2008

My preference would be the head-sized oven !

I've said it before & no doubt will again ,,, but these bloody Soap Operas have much to answer for. I came in last night as the beloved was watching Eastenders !
It was bedlam in the corner of my living room !
Do the writers of this stuff really think we all live this way ; in constant argument, screaming at one another, cheating, scheming to hurt others, never ever smiling ??? This kind of rubbish, and other programmes of the same ilk, is, to a large extent, responsible for the current state of the youth culture in Britain today and should be taken off the air immediately.
If John Logie Baird could have seen into the future would he have continued with his TV invention I wonder ,,,
or would he have invented the head size oven instead perhaps ?

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

The Complete Business Manual 2008

This is obviously the new world way to run a business ,,,,
Christ, if only we'd had this procedure in place when I was working ,,,
What "gay" days we could have had ,.,.,. fun, fun, fun .,,. multi million pound ( or Dollar ) profits ,.., and no customer contact whatsoever. Absolutely brilliant in its concept .,., and so simple to achieve .,.,., why didn't we think of it ?
A total "customer free zone" was something we always dreamed of ,.,. but in my day we actually aimed for a totally satisfied and happy customer ,, with his every whim realised !
Ipsofacto, no problems to be resolved.

Today's businessman has changed things round a little ,.,. almost straight out the pages of the Party Political Handbook for Beginners, they now aim for total customer free zones with therefore absolutely no problems to deal with. If a customer should actually get through ,,, hang up on him ! Jesus how bloody clever is that ? It's Brilliant ,,

Take Orange for example : If I could contact the bastards I'd take them all right .,.,,. all the way to bloody Court !
Here's how they've got up my nose ! So far up in fact that they're coming out the top !
My wife decided to Top-Up her mobile ,.,. A simple task you might think ?
She decided to do it by dialling the 'phone's own Top-Up service.
I'd like to add £10 to my account she fingered into her 'phone's buttons ,,,
Oops, we have a "Communication Failure" Orange told her ,,, "please try again " So she did !!
Now at this point I would advise any would-be topper-upper to .... BEWARE !!
She tried again .,,.,.,. Wooops .,,. here we go again ,..,., Com-fail ,, please try again ! ( so courteous too ... )
And again ,, and again .,,. Then Ahhhhhh ,,,, all is finally well .,,.,. at attempt #5 the oh so pleasant ORANGE told her she had now successfully topped up her mobile by the required £10.
Ha, ye bloody think ??
An hour or two later she received a call from a proper customer orientated company ; our Visa card Bank, Egg ,,, "We're just checking Mrs. B ,,, there's been some very peculiar activity on your credit card ,, did you authorise 5 -payments of £10 to the same company earlier tonight ?" Mmmmm ,, turns out of course that ORANGE only had a Com Failure at their end ,, from ours they managed to take the tenner off the card each time !

Now mistakes happen of course ,,, it's not the end of the world really ,, so we call their 450 line ( at 25p a go !) to ask them to re-imburse our card to the tune of £40 .,.,., we call them once ,,, they say that even although our bank knows it, and our phone registers it, their call centre in India can only see £20 having been topped up !! Please give us 24-hours 'till our system catches up, and we'll call you back they say !!
And shit ! what dummies we've become ,, we believe them !
They didn't of course .,., so 48-hours later we call the sub continent again .,,. they still see only £20 ,,, but of course Mr. B ,, we WILL re-imburse your card ,,, can you just wait 1-minute and talk to my "SUPERWISER " ,,, yeah that's with a W .,.,., certainly wiser than me ,,, for there I was waiting ,,, one minute ,, then two ,, then 10 ,,, then 20 ,,, "Bastards !" I shout down the ,by now, red hot 'phone, but no one was listening ,,, they were OFF ,,, having their fun, fun, fun .,,.,. Customers, what customers ??
I even did it all over again ,, ( that's a 3rd. 25p ,,,, which I also now insist be re-imbursed ! ) and went through the whole saga with a 3rd. Indian ,,, I've heard about as many of them now as Custer did at the Little Big Horn !!
Needless to say my wife still has the errant £50 on her 'phone and NOTHING back in her bank !!
Now I refuse to go through this shit again so I decide there & then ,,, I'll give them an earful by email ,.., Ah, ye bloody think ? You just try finding an email ,, a Contact Us or any other method of reaching these buggers via the written word .,,. I'll make it easy for you .,.,,. YOU CAN'T !!

So there you now have it ,, The Complete Business Manual 2008 .,,.
Don't deal with customers ,, don't resolve their problems ,, and for Christ's sake don't let them ever find a way to contact you ,.,.
Pure Fuckin' Dead Brilliant ,.,. No ? I take my hat off to them .,.,,. I really do ,,,
However ,,, I WILL have them !! They have ORANGE SHOPS .,., and you better believe ,, you wouldn't want to work in one of them this week !!

Jesus H. Christ ,,, Now Google are at it too ,,,,
I have a complaint ,, a nuisance happening every few days with my iGoogle customised home page .,., I wanted to ask them why it keeps changing ,,, reverting back to some standard London based home page every couple of days ,, a page that I really don't want.
This requires me each time to have to re-sign in with username, password etc ,,
Like I said, a bloody nuisance but no more ,.,.,..,

Now I find that Google too operate their business using the aforementioned Complete Business Manual 2008 ,.,. There is simply NO WAY TO CONTACT THESE PEOPLE to ask a simple question ,.,.,. go on, try it for yourself ,,, it's impossible ,, and the lengths they go to, to avoid giving you an email / contact us, is quite mind boggling !!
What a world we now live in when you can't even vent your spleen when companies upset you !
It's enough to give us oldies a heart attack ,.,.,. in fact if I should get my blood pressure to a point in the near future when I do myself some damage I want my children to pursue a case of Manslaughter againt these bastards .,.,,.
However, I DON'T want my wife involved in this acion, lest she suffers the same fate !!
Anyway, I'll let you know when I finally crack the Google Barrier ,.,. and knock down the Orange Wall ,.., for believe me ,, I BLOODY WILL !!

( if it's the last thing I ever do ! ) )