Tuesday, August 05, 2008

The Complete Business Manual 2008

This is obviously the new world way to run a business ,,,,
Christ, if only we'd had this procedure in place when I was working ,,,
What "gay" days we could have had ,.,.,. fun, fun, fun .,,. multi million pound ( or Dollar ) profits ,.., and no customer contact whatsoever. Absolutely brilliant in its concept .,., and so simple to achieve .,.,., why didn't we think of it ?
A total "customer free zone" was something we always dreamed of ,.,. but in my day we actually aimed for a totally satisfied and happy customer ,, with his every whim realised !
Ipsofacto, no problems to be resolved.

Today's businessman has changed things round a little ,.,. almost straight out the pages of the Party Political Handbook for Beginners, they now aim for total customer free zones with therefore absolutely no problems to deal with. If a customer should actually get through ,,, hang up on him ! Jesus how bloody clever is that ? It's Brilliant ,,

Take Orange for example : If I could contact the bastards I'd take them all right .,.,,. all the way to bloody Court !
Here's how they've got up my nose ! So far up in fact that they're coming out the top !
My wife decided to Top-Up her mobile ,.,. A simple task you might think ?
She decided to do it by dialling the 'phone's own Top-Up service.
I'd like to add £10 to my account she fingered into her 'phone's buttons ,,,
Oops, we have a "Communication Failure" Orange told her ,,, "please try again " So she did !!
Now at this point I would advise any would-be topper-upper to .... BEWARE !!
She tried again .,,.,.,. Wooops .,,. here we go again ,..,., Com-fail ,, please try again ! ( so courteous too ... )
And again ,, and again .,,. Then Ahhhhhh ,,,, all is finally well .,,.,. at attempt #5 the oh so pleasant ORANGE told her she had now successfully topped up her mobile by the required £10.
Ha, ye bloody think ??
An hour or two later she received a call from a proper customer orientated company ; our Visa card Bank, Egg ,,, "We're just checking Mrs. B ,,, there's been some very peculiar activity on your credit card ,, did you authorise 5 -payments of £10 to the same company earlier tonight ?" Mmmmm ,, turns out of course that ORANGE only had a Com Failure at their end ,, from ours they managed to take the tenner off the card each time !

Now mistakes happen of course ,,, it's not the end of the world really ,, so we call their 450 line ( at 25p a go !) to ask them to re-imburse our card to the tune of £40 .,.,., we call them once ,,, they say that even although our bank knows it, and our phone registers it, their call centre in India can only see £20 having been topped up !! Please give us 24-hours 'till our system catches up, and we'll call you back they say !!
And shit ! what dummies we've become ,, we believe them !
They didn't of course .,., so 48-hours later we call the sub continent again .,,. they still see only £20 ,,, but of course Mr. B ,, we WILL re-imburse your card ,,, can you just wait 1-minute and talk to my "SUPERWISER " ,,, yeah that's with a W .,.,., certainly wiser than me ,,, for there I was waiting ,,, one minute ,, then two ,, then 10 ,,, then 20 ,,, "Bastards !" I shout down the ,by now, red hot 'phone, but no one was listening ,,, they were OFF ,,, having their fun, fun, fun .,,.,. Customers, what customers ??
I even did it all over again ,, ( that's a 3rd. 25p ,,,, which I also now insist be re-imbursed ! ) and went through the whole saga with a 3rd. Indian ,,, I've heard about as many of them now as Custer did at the Little Big Horn !!
Needless to say my wife still has the errant £50 on her 'phone and NOTHING back in her bank !!
Now I refuse to go through this shit again so I decide there & then ,,, I'll give them an earful by email ,.., Ah, ye bloody think ? You just try finding an email ,, a Contact Us or any other method of reaching these buggers via the written word .,,. I'll make it easy for you .,.,,. YOU CAN'T !!

So there you now have it ,, The Complete Business Manual 2008 .,,.
Don't deal with customers ,, don't resolve their problems ,, and for Christ's sake don't let them ever find a way to contact you ,.,.
Pure Fuckin' Dead Brilliant ,.,. No ? I take my hat off to them .,.,,. I really do ,,,
However ,,, I WILL have them !! They have ORANGE SHOPS .,., and you better believe ,, you wouldn't want to work in one of them this week !!

Jesus H. Christ ,,, Now Google are at it too ,,,,
I have a complaint ,, a nuisance happening every few days with my iGoogle customised home page .,., I wanted to ask them why it keeps changing ,,, reverting back to some standard London based home page every couple of days ,, a page that I really don't want.
This requires me each time to have to re-sign in with username, password etc ,,
Like I said, a bloody nuisance but no more ,.,.,..,

Now I find that Google too operate their business using the aforementioned Complete Business Manual 2008 ,.,. There is simply NO WAY TO CONTACT THESE PEOPLE to ask a simple question ,.,.,. go on, try it for yourself ,,, it's impossible ,, and the lengths they go to, to avoid giving you an email / contact us, is quite mind boggling !!
What a world we now live in when you can't even vent your spleen when companies upset you !
It's enough to give us oldies a heart attack ,.,.,. in fact if I should get my blood pressure to a point in the near future when I do myself some damage I want my children to pursue a case of Manslaughter againt these bastards .,.,,.
However, I DON'T want my wife involved in this acion, lest she suffers the same fate !!
Anyway, I'll let you know when I finally crack the Google Barrier ,.,. and knock down the Orange Wall ,.., for believe me ,, I BLOODY WILL !!

( if it's the last thing I ever do ! ) )

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