Friday, December 16, 2011

I .... am an Artist !

Somewhere, way down deep in my psyche, nae, my soul, I am an artist.
My soul is not of the religious variety, but is a real part of my being !
It keeps me sane most of the time but can drive me too, to a near suicidal desperation when at my lowest ebb.
My dear friend and lifelong buddy George is one of the only people who know this.
I am wracked with artistic leanings, if not the talent to support them !
Oh to have walked the hallowed ground of  University and studied for an Arts degree, Fine Arts, rather than spend nights at college working my way through Electrical Engineering claptrap for useless qualifications ?
I am a frustrated writer, poet, painter, musician, photographer and George listens when I spout on these very real longings. George is almost a brother to me. 
No, he's much more than that ,,, he's that younger sibling, lost all those years ago, when I was so young. George understands me, like only a true friend can.
We have these wonderful, long talks in the car coming home from a day's golf outing, and he listens,, he really listens.
I read, ( I'm devouring books at a rate since my illness & our Scottish winter weather has confined me indoors), I write, and not only this bloggy stuff ,,, I attempt serious writing too, but then I read Emile Zola, Charles Dickens The Bronte girls, Jane Austen, Robt. Louis Stevenson and the like, and I despair again ,.,.,.
I have such a need inside me ,, a want to nurture my soul ?
I played piano to a fairly high level when a boy but then abandoned it ,,,, what sheer criminal neglect ! 
I must get back to my music learning, and soon. 
I long to attempt painting ,,,, I have a love of  The Impressionist painters and long to "try my hand" at their style .,., I've chosen my camera as a starting idea to emulate these guys .,.,., I do want to someday actually apply paint to canvas but for now I'm attempting to learn the Impressionist "method" using my digital SLR .,.,
I know this is possible ,, even old Zola had the knack ,, and he did it back in the mid 1800's with far less sophisticated photo equipment to mine !  So watch out for a photographic breakthrough, coming soon to a gallery near you !!
My soul is screaming not to be starved.  I need to feed this passion.
But back to my friend .,., George knows & appreciates my deepest thoughts, my deep love of family & friends, the real me .,., he sees the artist in me fighting for release.
For my part I see George as a great part of "my family" .,.,  and to that end this week I send him my love ,,, for we celebrate with him another .,.,., eh, Big Birthday. 
Many Happy Returns pal .... You have been & still are a Rock to me.  
I raise my glass  to you .,.,

Thursday, December 08, 2011

A Sort of Poem ?

Ode Tae a Wee Bastard !
( The 3-C’s .,., Colonic Cancer Cells or as Emile Zola might have called them ... A Bunch of Cunts ! )

Gaun a wee conivin, sleekit, cowerin’ bastard !Whit? Yer no’ cowerin’ ??
Well ye bloody should be ..
‘Cause I’m fightin ye all the way ,,
A'm laughin' in yer face, there’ll be nae surrender frae me ,,
But if they finally dae cart me away, jist you know ,,,
There’s mair o' me comin’ !
And we’re efter YOU, scum-bag
So beware ya wee shite .. eventually we’re gonna WIN !

So here’s that first laugh in yer face ....

Diarre.. ah ... Fur a ye.. ah ?
Isnae hauf funny ye know
It’s sair arse & piles’s ointment and creams ..
It's runnin' like hell tae the loo
In fact, it’s nae fun at aw !

Diarre...ah, fur jist six months
Might be twice as good ?
Mibbies aye & mibbies naw ?
Or mibbie ah mean hauf as bad ?

For even wan month
Ah could jist aboot stool it !!
Nae problem at aw
But it’s a month wi'oot joy fur ma arse !

Noo a week ... A week ah could dae,
Staunin’ oan ma heid
Oh shit, Mibbie no’ ,, Jist sit on ma bum !

But wait, awthing’s gaun quite quiet on thon rear, Southern front
Ah huvnae moved fur some days
A’m sitting here pushin' like hell
Aw shite, Constipation's back wi’ a bung !!


Another Sort of a Poem

One for my beloved, darling wife.

I want your hand
To be the last hand
My hand ever feels

I want your face
To be the last face
My old eyes ever see

I want your kiss
To be the last kiss
On my ever willing lips

I want your smile
To be that last smile,
For how you can smile,
That smile that hasn’t changed in all our years together ...
I love you with all my heart & soul

Gary Speed .....

Aren't y'all thoroughly sick of the non stop nonsense constantly being banded about regarding Gary Speed ? We've had a minute's silence and a further round of clapping at every damned football match since his "untimely death !" WHY ?
The guy was not a hero. Certainly NOT in my eyes anyway.
He was a selfish, obviously uncaring individual who chose the coward's way out of whatever was bothering him. He left his wife with no explanation, and worse, his kids with no father at the time in their young lives when they most need one. He's also, lest we forget, commited a criminal act, an act against God too, if you're into such beliefs ,,,, I mention this merely because every other footballer is forever crossing himself on the field of play for one thing or another ,,, so why are these "oh so religious" guys not offended ?  Why are they standing there clapping this man who didn't even have the decency to explain his actions ??
And it's not over yet ,,, after what seems like a fortnight of this adulation we are now to get an "official" send off from all in sundry at his funeral !
Am I the only person in the country to see this and ask questions ? Or are all his footy buddies just being carried away with the sentimentality of it all ,.,. frightened to speak out ?
Sorry, but I'm not, and don't expect any minute's silence or clapping from me.
Gary, sorry but you were a poor imitation of a man as far as I'm concerned.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

The Good Doc !

The old saying is true you know ,, It's NOT what you know in this ole world, it's WHO you know !
We have a Doc. the beloved & I .,., One of the Good guys ( maybe a Good Fellah even ? Ooohhh )
He was first introduced to us by the daughter .,., an old school friend of hers ,,, if a tad older ! ( she made me put that in John :) ) but very quickly became a friend to us all .,., a saviour maybe ?  but not in the Biblical sense !! I'm not that way inclined.  In our hour of greatest need he was there ,, and he's stayed there ever since those initial awful diagnoses.  He's promised to be there right to the end & I have no reason to believe otherwise ...a big, cheery, wacky, pun Lord and now the proud owner of something of a FARM !
Boasting about his chicks, his cows, goats, quails even, his general animal farm got my mouth watering at the talk of his FRCE's (Free Range Chickens Eggs) ,,, the likes of which he said we'd NEVER tasted before !
Being about time for a wee blether ( eh, I mean Medical Consultation ) up we went a couple of days ago to see Bones, the Man !  He's promise me btw ( or was that threatened ) that my prognosis of a few months, back last Sept. will be fought by him & I ,, 'Til Death, as they say :(   ,,
So far we're doing well ,, 12-months on ... And together we're going for a new record of 5 / 6 years.
To this end since my appetite can vary quite a bit these days ,, from nothing ( well there's always the energy milk shakes ... YUK  !!   to a nice, if small steak, mushrooms & chips ! )  Bones obviously thought ( with a little helpful dig from myself via facebook ) that what I needed was a really exquisite meal so, as we entered the hallowed consulting room what do you think the mad fool had waiting .,.,., Yep, half a dozen of the finest white & brown FRC eggs on the planet !
And wow, were they good ... NOPE, they were GREAT !
Thanks John ,,,and thanks too to Cinders, ( a White Star indeed )  Roastie, Nugget, or even the Brown Leghorn .,., much appreciated girls, and John, don't think twice if these fine gals start to over produce at any time !
I'm even prepared to sample Dan Quail's output ?

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Feral, adj, Wild !

What's with these new fangled words ?
A year ago I'd never heard the word FERAL before in my entire life ,, and that's been a while now !
Nowadays you can't avoid it ,, feral children, feral dogs, cats, gardens, you name it everydamnthing has suddenly become .,.,., WILD !
I know I shouldn't ask, since I have a daughter Lexicographer who is, in fact, responsible for such additions / subtractions to our language ,, but I will anyway...
Who decides, and on just what basis, to add / subtract new & old words from our everyday already wonderful language?
To whoever it is I say .,.,., Bugger off -- Leave our English alone ya interfering shower !
Wild is more than adequate to describe ,, WILD !
For some people English is already difficult enough !

Here's a wee add on to this blog to illustrate my point ,,,
Phyl, the beautiful daughter, was once "involved" with the Police ,,, Can't remember if she was a witness to something or if someone had driven into the back of her car ,, I checked & someone indeed had banged into her beloved little Italian Chuggy Fiat 500.
A young Bobby, let's call him PC Dumb, was allocated at the scene to take her details ,,,
He started in the usual fashion ,, Name please ?.,.,.,.,
Phyllis she replied ,,
Right that's FIL,, eh how do you spell that name  ..   Try PHY.... officer she said.
Ok Surname ?,,, Buchanan .,., OK, right .. That's eh, BUCK,,  eh can you spell that please miss !
Occupation ?  he asks next  ,,,, At this point the we'an, having got the measure of her man, decided on her career title Sunday name ,,,,
Eh I'm a Multi-Lingual Lexicographer, she replied    :)
At this juncure in proceedings PC Dumb looked like he might actually cry ,,, gave up the ghost, tore the paper out his pad & crumpled it into the nearest bin ,,,,
Maybe you should come down to the station Miss & explain it all to the Sarge !!

So, albeit our Coppers are possibly a little on the thick side, can you smart Alex's leave our language alone ,,,
If you check you'll find out that the Feral word appears only in the Collins English dictionary ,,, there's no mention of such an abomination in either the Scots gem or indeed the Larger Concise Scots Dictionary.
I rest my Scottish case !

Mind Racing ?

The beloved tells me I've started talking in my sleep ( again ) !
However, this time round it appears I'm having full blown conversations with people ,,
I'm obviously getting answers to my questions as well as the reverse, while fast asleep ....
Some of these chats leave me angry, some giggling hysterically in mirth ,, but it seems quite odd to me that I should be chatting away to someone and hearing them respond without actually being aware of it all ?  (although ocassionally I wake up in the middle of such bletherings & am vaguely aware that something has been going on in the nocturnal ramblings arena )
I don't seem to get any faces ,, so I don't really know who I'm talking to !
What is causing this phenomenon I wonder ?
Naturally I have a theory !
It's this ,,, my mind is full of stuff at this time & is racing away with it all  ,, almost out of control you might say. I'm trying to come to terms with my emm, ,,,, fate I guess ? 
And more importantly, the fate of my beloved, our kids and theirs.
I'm not sure but, maybe this causes the mind to race off on it's own and plan stuff for their future ??
Or of course I could simply be an inveterate rambling old fool ?
Answers on a PC please to the usual address !

Monday, September 19, 2011

It's B & Q 's New Folly ,, oops I mean Policy !

Went down to the giant DIY store the other day ,,,
I'd been told my request would be thrown out, but hey, if you don't ask, you don't get ,, right ?
As regular readers of this blog will know, there's a new carpet in the old bedroom !
Much more plush, carpets these days ,, or if you will,, THICK !
Ipsofacto, the door won't close ,,, needs a smidgen off the bottom edge ,, literally 1-cm !
I spotted 3 ,, yeah three, "B & Q "workers" sitting round a table close to the band saw which would do the job in less than 10-seconds ( and do it straight & true ! ) ( two more were "jawing", about last night's footie game,  they were hard at it, & didn't even see me hovering around, so I decided not to interrupt ! )
I asked the threesome  ( very pleasantly ) if this was a private card school or could anyone join in !
They took it in good spirit and listened while I explained about my carpet/ door/ cut required.
Ooh sorry they said ( almost like they meant it ) but we're not allowed to cut doors any more !
Seems it's a "Health & Safety" ( ?? )  issue and even worse,, some customers on having the work done complain that we've cut it wrong and sue us for replacement new doors !
OK says I ,, I'll give you a carte -blanche written disclaimer ,, I know you won't cock it up. 
Thanks sir but afraid it's still a No-no ,,, we'd get sacked if "they" caught us !
Ok I say again ,, the doors are very old so how about I just buy a few new doors from you and then you can cut them to the correct height ?
Nope, they chorused, we can't even cut our own doors any more !! 
I had wondered when I arrived why there was so many "workers" in this dept. and no customers .,.,
I don't any more !!!  It's the new B & Q policy for selling ZERO doors.

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Ode to Tiffany...or, Tiff thing, I think you move me !

My regular readers will be aware that the beloved & I recently bought a new light for the re-decorated bedroom.
In actual fact I found & bought this hanging thing of beauty.
We pushed the boat out a little and bought what I thought at the time was a rather "nice", if expensive Tiffany lamp...
It's colours blended well with the new wallpaper, carpet, curtains etc, & so the bullet was bitten & the deed was done !
Having now moved back into our bedroom I see just how good the Tiff looks.
Each morning as the sun comes up I awaken to a glorious display of glass & colour.
In fact I awaken to it twice !  Yeah, she's on the ceiling & in the wardrobe door mirror !
She is brilliant ,,, Fan-bloody-tastic & worth every penny !
Tiff thing.... You make my heart sing,
                    You make everything ,,,
                    Groovy !

Tiff thing.... I think I love you !

Humble apologies to Big Reg & the Troggs !!

Thursday, September 01, 2011

An ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER as received by the Issuing Authority !

This letter is a thing of great beauty (even if the language is a bit choice) ... You can definitely feel the guy's pain ! 

Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.
For Christ sake, do you guys do this by hand ? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 50 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last half dozen damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed to step off the plane over the last 40 years, and all those insufferable, & useless census forms.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Phyllis, my father's name is Bill and I'd be abso-f*cking-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I, like both of them die!!!!!!    
I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this utter bullshit ! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f*cking address !!!!
What is going on ? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there ? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for sh*t sake. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere warm. 
And would someone please, please tell me, why would you give a sh*t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days ? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last f*cking people I'd tell !
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day ??
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make some sense. You'd rather have us running all over the f*ckin' place like chickens with our  heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic f*ckin' morons)
Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile even if we wanted to?
Because we're totally pissed off ! Aye Wi' YOU !
An Irate Citizen.
   P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since the year DOT !  Way back in the 15 / 1600's ... we have all lived, worked & paid taxes here since then .........
However, I have to get someone 'IMPORTANT' to verify who I am - you know,
someone like my doctor ... aye him WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F*CKING   PAKISTAN  and came here 5-years ago ! 
( Has anybody at the department checked his passoport yet ?? )

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

East Ren Cooncil ,,, at it yet again !

So I had an old TV to get rid of ,,,
Naturally I called the EAST REN COONCIL ,, who always arrive the Frid. after the call & take away my Bigger Rubbish ! ( for I'm an OAP and get this service for FREE !!  .,.,., Eh, Did I say GET this service for FREE .,., read on ! )
Naturally I called them.  " Sure, no problem Sir, is that all you have to be picked up this time ?," the pleasant young man asked.
"Yep, that's all for now" says I.  
"Right then, that'll be £20 then Sir" he tells me ,,, 
"Eh, naw son, you've got that wrong ,, I'm one of East Ren's Senior Citizens ,, one of the over 60 brigade, so No Charge ,, as usual !  OK ?"
"Eh, sorry, no Sir, there's now a charge .,., for EVERYBODY wanting any uplift !"
"You what ??" I said, rather taken aback !
"You have to joking son ??  How is an Old guy my age with my medical condition supposed to humph a big telly up to the dump, pray ? "
"Don't know Sir, ,, but no payment, no uplift I'm afraid !!" 
Mmmm, a bit less than pleasant suddenly sonny eh ?
Well tell you what kid, Believe me, you'll be taking it to the dump ,,, even I have to smash it into small enough bits to fit in YOUR Bins ! Now you can cancel my request for uplift and shove it !! 
That's now the 2nd. item ERC have hiked a ridiculous price onto that OTHER COONCILS HAVEN'T !!  Take the disabled driver's Blue Parking Concession Badge for example !
Glasgow issues this badge to worthy recipients FREE .,., ,ERC ,,, same badge, same rules about obtaining one ,, CHARGE ?? £20 ( aye, and another £20 each time it's renewed !! )
I refrain from questioning their parentage but that's what I think of them all the same ,,
Long may they rot in Hell Fire !

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

So, what to do my Lord Dionysius II ?

People in my situation are often ovecome with not knowing what to do with their remaining time ,, be it weeks, months, years ? We will all die at some time ,, of that there's no doubt, or escape, but there is something quite different when the medics spell out YOUR personal demise and give you a sort of definitive ( and always short ) timescale !
Should I be "putting my affairs in order" ? whatever the hell that means ?  Should I be savouring every minute / hour / day and using them to the limit ?  Finishing off my "work in progress" books ?  Writing letters to leave to all my dear friends ? 
Or maybe just carry on day to day ignoring the fact that the next one might well be my last ?
I honestly don't know what I should be doing !
I'm not sure I should be simply sitting whiling away the days playing golf, reading, writing, photographing, watching Tv etc ,,, but hey, why the hell not ,, It's what I would be doing if I didn't have the sword of Damocles hanging over me .,.,

{ The story :  The Damocles of the anecdote was an obsequious courtier in the court of Dionysius II of Syracuse, a fourth century BC tyrant of Syracuse, Italy. Pandering to his king, Damocles exclaimed that, as a great man of power and authority surrounded by magnificence, Dionysius was truly extremely fortunate. Dionysius then offered to switch places with Damocles, so that Damocles could taste that very fortune first hand. Damocles quickly and eagerly accepted the King's proposal. Damocles sat down in the king's throne surrounded by every luxury, but Dionysius arranged that a huge sword should hang above the throne, held at the pommel only by a single hair of a horse's tail. Damocles finally begged the tyrant that he be allowed to depart, because he no longer wanted to be so fortunate.[2][5]
Dionysius had successfully conveyed a sense of the constant fear in which the great man lives. Cicero uses this story as the last in a series of contrasting examples for reaching the conclusion he had been moving towards in this fifth Disputation, in which the theme is that virtue is sufficient for living a happy life.[6]
Cicero asks: Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?[7]

I have no fear looming .,.,  I'm a happy man .,, No, really I am ,, I have the wife & family to die for ( excuse the pun ! ) so why change my ways at this late date ?
As far as I'm aware my "affairs" are pretty well in order ?
My books will or will not be concluded .,., I've written enough to let future generations of Buchanans, Gautiers & Widmanns know who I am and that's all I wanted to do in the first place when I first set pen to paper.
I couldn't, even if I wanted ,, rush off book chapters like there's no tomorrow ,, they come to me as they will ,, and I get them down on paper when the mood takes me ,,, but "To Order " .,., eh, No !
Anyway, if anyone can suggest other "things" to do ,,, which "affairs" to put in order ,, how to conduct my final symphony please feel free to comment .,.,
And ,, Thanks for listening .,.,

Friday, August 19, 2011

The Saga of the Anti Twist Plate & Mr. Allen !

You know how these things pan out ?
First we needed to wallpaper the bedroom ,,, our bedroom ,, it hasn't been done for a wee while.
So we bought the paper .,., and it lay in the cupboard for Oh ,, about 6-months ?
Then we used it to re paper our grandson's bedroom ! ( different room ,, different hoose ! )
We then bought new paper for our room & it went into the cupboard for .,., Mmmm, maybe another 6-months ?
We've had a couple of other wee traumas to deal with during this past year which kinda put the wallpapering project on the back burner  !
Anyway our health & strength has been on the wane some during this time to the point where I finally decided to let our next door neighbour ( a fine painter & decorator to trade ) do the work for me.
He made a lovely job of it and in just two days we were ready to put the room back together again and move back in !!
Silly me ! Did I really believe that ?  No, no, no, first we needed a new bed to compliment the new decor .,., but even before that of course, the carpet was well overdue replacing wasn't it ,,, and since the bed's out there in the spare room meantime, what better time ??
So the carpet was chosen & the fitters came & down it went ,, half an hour later we needed to assemble the bed !!  Oh have I mentioned yet the new curtains, light shade, reading lights over the bed, wall mount Tv, etc, etc ,,, ??  Ahhh all in due course then !
Next was the overhead light ,,, a splendid new ( & expensive !! ) Tiffany lamp from Lite Craft ,,, you know, Lite Craft, the ( phenomenally expensive ) Lighting Experts !!  Well we bought it, as I said, a splendid affair, big, heavy ( aye really heavy ,, ) and all pretty colours. We took it home ( carefully cosseted on the back seat of the car ,, watch that bump ! ) and the amateur electrician decided to put it up ,, well what safer place to keep it ?
"What a bloody weight" the amateur was heard to say ,, "this'll bring the ceiling doon !"
Not to be deterred the missus wuman insisted .,., "Ah like it ,,, it's goin' up ,, !" 
Then we noticed ,, aye both of us ,, there was no way to attach this heavy weight to the ceiling ?? Absolutely no possible connection betwixt our existing ceiling rose and this new monster lamp ?
We called on friends to check we weren't simply acting out dumb & dumber roles ??  but alas everyone agreed ,, it had no means of being hung !!
"Shit !" the amateur muttered ,, get all the bubble wrap, poly bags etc, back out of the bin .,., we're off back to see the Experts ..., and so we did ,, again very carefully watching every bump in the road .
The young lady I approached told me, calm as you like ,, cool as a bleedin' cucumber in fact & without even as much as a mild blush !.,., "Oh you need an anti twist plate !"  "A whit ?" says I .,., "An anti twist plate ,, that gives you the hook to hang it onto that earth bracket inside the brass housing ,, See ? ,,"
"So where is it ?" I ask ,,
"Oh we don't supply it !!!" she tells me ,,  "It's only a wee cheap thing though ,, you'll get one in B & Q for about 70p .,., "  By this time steam is rushing from my ears at 100psi with no safety relief valve fitted in the heid !! ,,,
"I'll what ??  Drive to B & Q .,., Aye so ah will hen ! " WHY don't you supply the bloody thing if it's that necessary & that cheap ??  D'you know how much this lamp cost me ?  the one I've now trailed back & forth THREE times now ?
I want to see the Manager !  NOW !! 
Off she went ,, the manager ( a boy of about 12 summers ) arrived back clutching a little bit of metal in his already sweaty mitt .,
"Mr. B" he gushes, "I've managed to find a spare anti twist plate for you ,,! " " Look, this is how it works ..."
" Aye right "says me ,, "but it should be included in the lamp package ,, not need every customer to find out the hard way & have to make a return  journey .,., You'll be hearing from my lawyer in due course sonny, regarding compensation for stress & strain, petrol money and a general stupidity ex-gracia payment !"
And so I left .... failing that I may have been up on an assault charge on a minor !!
The carpet now fitted, the lamp now fitted, it was time to assmble the new bed !
Och, should I bother ?,,,  it must be me ! ,, surely the world isn't being dumbed down deliberately ,, all the time ?
Anyway, the bed comes with a single assembly instruction sheet ,, a we'an could follow the steps ,, in fact my two grandwe'ans did ,, they did most of the assembly ,,, however, and here's the rub !
The screws, and the tool they supply are of the Allen type ,,
{A hex key, Allen key, or Allen wrench (also known by various other synonyms .,., ( I'll just bet it is !! ) is a tool of hexagonal cross-section used to drive bolts and screws that have a hexagonal socket in the head (internal-wrenching hexagon drive) } 
Oh and did I mention ,, the most TOTALLY USELESS tool ever invented !
Mr. Allen never did think to add a bloody handle to allow his tool to be easily turned ,, and if ever a bed was made with absolutely no access for such a tool this was that bed ! I could get a quarter turn ( at best ) on any of these damned screws ,, which turned a 5-minute job with a screwdriver into a 3 hour job ! ( and lots of sweat on the new carpet ! )
If I could have got my hands on said Mr. Bloody Allen he'd have had screws where the monkey hid his nuts ,, aye & his nuts would be there too !

Ladiers & Gentlemen ,,, The Grumpy old man has now left the building !!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

To all the nocturnal girls !

We have a friend, the beloved's old school pal no less, so we've had her a while !!
The wee soul is one of those women who, in their later years become obsessed with ,, well, stuff & things !
She can spend a day for instance, checking the tins & bottles on the Supermarket shelves for any ingredients that are "bad for her !!"  Her healthy diet is severe ,, no red meat, in fact no meat, no this , no that, in fact it's easier to describe her do's rather than her don'ts .,.,, she eats fish & chicken ,,, that's about it !
She won't use a mobile 'phone cause it might affect her brain ; ditto she won't use a freezer ; food is not meant to be cold for months on end ; she shops a lot !
This woman would never dream of using make-up, & certainly never ever consider the possibility of artificial "substances"( and here I'm not talking Grade A drugs or anything ... I'm thinking maybe Botox ! ,, the safe & legal drug of the "Beautiful People" )
The reason I'm thinking Botox is two fold ,,,
1) her lifelong heart-throb "singer" ( the Peter Pan of pop ! ) uses it  &  he can do no wrong !!
2) a recent news article was touting it as a cure for a medical complaint from which she suffers.
The poor woman has umpty-tumpty nocturnal journeys twixt bedroom & loo room of a night ,,
She has, you see, what has now been diagnosed as Loose Bladder syndrome .,., with no real signs of a cure on the horizon.
But now ,,, hang on ,,, wait a minute Missus !
Botox will not only cure your nocturnal walks but, dare I say it, perhaps as a beneficial off spin, give you a wrinkle-free fanny too !!

Pretty Fannies of the world unite ,,, kinda describes her 60's Heart-throb singer pretty well too don't you think ?!

Friday, August 05, 2011

Dumb & Dumber !

It saddens me ,, it really does , the state this country has got itself into.
What used to be a bright, innovative people have let themselves be dragged down to a level of education that borders on the pre neanderthal.
Who's to blame ? Us ourselves, our teachers, Government, WHO ??
I don't know but I do know that the kids leaving school in my day were a damn sight better equipped to speak, read, write and count than they are now !
Now that can't be right ,, how can a system that was working fine ( aye & with 40-kids to a class ) have been allowed to be changed into a downward spiral churning out virtual dummies ?
Oh I know we have better exam results :), we have no failures anymore :( , aye but we have teachers slashing their wrists too ,,, don't remember that back in the 50's ??
Anyway it's a long debate this and one I'll come back to, but what set me off yesterday was such a simple little annoying character I met in a bed shop .,., fresh out of school I'll wager ! In fact there were two of them ,, and employed in separate BED SHOPS !!
The beloved & I were looking for a new bed to go with our about to be re-decorated bedroom, so in we went to the BED SHOPS !
This 1st. shop was truly what it said on the tin ... a BED shop ,, sold nothing but BEDS  ,,
I'm wandering around minding my own business looking at the various designs when up he comes ,, big smile for the customer .,., So he says, is it a bed you're looking for ?
I turned to the beloved with that look she knows so well on my face ,,
Naw, I said to the neanderthal, I'm looking to buy a new car !
With that I walked straight out the door ,,, I simply refuse to deal with fools and I won't encourage them by buying anything from them !
The 2nd, BED shop was also a beds only kinda establishment !
I found the bed I liked .,.,  nice rich leather head and foot boards.
The display model was in a dark brown, verging on black leather.
What other colour options can I have on the leather I asked the fresh faced salesman #2
Now this was not a cheap & nasty wee bed ,, this was an approx. £400 quid bed ( sans mattress ! ) so naturally if I'm the customer & willing to pay the piper ,, then I also get to call the bloody tune ?
Eh, that's it he says ,, it comes ONLY in the dark brown !!"
Eh, naw it disnae son ,, if I want it in a light green leather that's what I get ,, you see I'm the customer ,, the guy with the money. If I go into a 3-piece suite shop to buy a leather suite I can choose from every colour in the spectrum so what's different about a wee bit leather ony our bed ?
I could maybe get you it in an off white he responds ,,
I give the beloved the look !
And we're out of there and in the car before neanderthal #2 has time to smile his dumb smile one more time.
And I'll bet you he still doesn't know what went wrong  ?

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Eulogy for a dear WeeThing ( Part II )

It's been a wee while now since my dear wee cous died
( Frid. 28th. Jan. to be exact )
Naturally I still miss her terribly ,,, No wee Helloo's jumping onto my screen of an evening ,,,
No tales of the family down-under ,,,
Little contact at all now with the bum of the planet, truth be told ,,,
Yesterday however I spoke to her big brother ,, my older cousin in Christ-Church.
We blethered on a bit about weeAnne, how she was so missed by all her NZ family .,.,
and the devastaion following the Eartquakes etc ,, just general chit-chat.
Then all of a sudden Adam ( the Cous ) let this one out of the bag !
Seems the crazy wee bitch was on yon "slip-it-under-the-tongue" Nitroglycerin medication for her heart .,.,

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Help ma Boab, I'm sleeping wi' Desperate D'Ann !

Sleep, these days is something of a luxury !
In fact I can't actually remember when I last had a real night's sleep ...
So there I was in the middle of another sleepless, dreamless, watch of the hours go by when I heard the first faint murmurs ,,,, It was a cat .,., surely the daft woman wouldn't have brought a cat to our bed ?
But, I'd know that happy light purr anywhere ,, I ignored it, lest the stupid animal decided to make friends with me too ... then came the oh so quiet Ohh, Oohh, just every so often ,, it sounded for all the world like a young girl playing with her pussy ( oops I mean cat ! ) I let it go for a long few minutes ,, but I was definitely right ,, it was a pussy cat purring and it was a young girl ohh'ing at regular intervals with it !!
I could resist it no longer ,, I turned to see if she'd resurected our monster Snoopy cat or our wee fluffy imitation kitten Muffin ?? Of course the minute I made my move the gentle purr became a great splurt & splutter with thrashing arms and the Ooohh's a snore of gigantic proportions much in tune with my old boyhood hero Desperate Dan after devouring a great Cow Pie !!
Oh well ,,,, back to watching the ole hour hands again ?

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Are standards slipping at Wumbledum ?

Surely I'm not the only one to notice ?
The "goings-on" at Wumbledum ( as Boris calls it ! ) this past week ?
You'd have thought after winning the damned competition twice and attending every year since, that at least he'd have learned by now how to pronounce the place name?? Alas NO !
Since the beloved & I have been a bit house-bound this past wee while we've taken to watching the Tennis Freak Show of an afternoon ...
It's beginning, after watching almost every game through the 1st. week, to actually turn my stomach !
Why you might ask ?
Well I'll tell you, but be prepared to never enjoy watching this spectacle again without thinking of my analysis.
There's the Grunting,, the Yelping & Yowling, the damned bad sportsmanship where opponents scream in delight when one makes a mistake ( would never happen on a golf course ! ) Then there's the throwing of the ball in the air and NOT hitting the serve,, Complaints if one's opponent needs a doctor mid game ,, all different versions again of poor sportsmanship.
Then there's the Nadal affliction ,, he needs to have something pulled out of his backside between every rally !!  I'm thinking of writing to advise him that thongs are perhaps not the correct sports attire for Wumbledum !
But worse than all of these, worse by far ???
It's the disgusting wiping of the head, face, bald bonce, arms, legs and other places and then PASSING THE SWEAT WET TOWEL TO SOME POOR UNSUSPECTING LITTLE BALL BOY OR GIRL !! 
OH YUK !! And sometimes they surreptitiously wipe ( even blow ) their noses while wiping .,.,
Now think about it ,, if you were said little boy or girl wouldn't you just refuse ,, ?  Bugger off  Mr. Tennis Star ! Stick your sweaty towel where Raffa scratches I'd tell them ,,, No way am I touching your smelly, stinking, sweat wet rag .,.,
I can just see FIFA lining up 22 -wee ball boys round the fields of play with FIFA emblemed towels heavy with snot, spit and sweat .,., ( although it would make for less of the stuff up your shorts when you do yon knee slide celebration of a goal !! ) 
I mean footballers don't have the decorum of tennis freaks do they ?
Where oh where will it all end ??
Send your sports yuks to me at .,.,.,.,.,

Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Screaming Returns

So, there we were, having a ball at our son's 40th. Birthday Party.
The Champagne was flowing, the buffet was loaded to overflowing and the wines, beers & spirits were high !!  We met lots of old & new friends and decided later on in the evening that since I wasn't up to long nights ( & this one was looking like an early hours of the morning affair ) that we'd leave with our daughter and be home for a reasonable time ,,, midnight'ish !
The beloved was her usual self ,,, all night life and soul ,, and even now, in the car, chatting away and giving us lots to laugh about on our homeward journey.
We got our daughter to drop us at the corner of our street and we walked the 50-yards or so to our back door.
We were both bushed ,, said we were going straight up to bed ....
My beloved wandered into the hall cupboard to slip out of her shoes and at that point the world did a double-take !
She collapsed coming out and fell hard against the hall radiator, giving her head a helluva wallop.
I figured, in my wisdom ( doh ! ) that maybe she'd had a wee glass of wine or two too many?
I man-handled her back into the living room and onto the couch ,,, She lay down .. I slipped a pillow under her head and checked it for any blood .,., she seemed almost ok so I threw a cover over her and sat down in my chair to keep a night vigil. I was a little concerned that she wouldn't speak to me ?? 
An hour or so later she got up, undressed and walked upstairs en route to bed under her own steam ,, ( but with me closely following at her back lest she fall again.)
I asked her if I should call a Doctor but she poo-hoo'd the idea.
Another couple of hours went by and I wakened ,, she was staring, unseeing into space ,,,
This time I didn't ask,,, I called NHS 24 and within 20-minutes the Doc was at our door.
One look, a few questions and some tests were hurredly carried out before he too was on the 'phone.
An ambulance was here no more than 10-minutes later ,,, and sped us thro' the night traffic to Glasgow's Southern General hospital and straight into the High Dependency Stroke ward !
My dearest had not been drinking to excess, hardly 2-glasses of white wine & a sip of champers had passed her lips that fateful Sat. night .,., and now here she was, in an intensive care bed only a few hours after posing for some lovely family portaits. ( Does the photo above look like a woman 4-hours away from a stroke ?)
I was devastated ,,, I still am ,,, I should have called the Doc some 3 or 4 hours quicker !
As everyone knows, with a stroke the first hours are absolutely vital to get the patient on track for a full recovery.
The Doctors & nurses in the hospital were brilliant ,, attentive & informative .,., they told me fairly quickly ( although it seemed a lifetime ! ) that the only damage was her speech and her writing ,,, a very small but significant area of the brain had taken the hit with the clot but thankfully no paralysis, no loss of understanding ... all limbs still working ok.   Chances were that she'd be fine and the delay ( fortunately ) did no additional damage .,., ( Thank God, for I'd never have lived with myself if I'd caused her to suffer more. )
The damage was carefully scutinized for a week ,, Cat scans, x-rays, wired up to heart & blood pressure monitors, physcal examinations ,, etc. etc,
Seems she has an irregular heart beat ( maybe had this for many years without it doing any harm ).... her blood pressure was up thro' the roof ,,, her thyroid gland was way over active .,.,
As I understand it the thyroid was the main culprit ,, being so over-active it caused the heart rate to race & the blood pressure to rise ,, this in turn let go a small clot which headed straight for the brain and did the damage.
My poor darling had no symptoms of any of these threats .,., indeed never a day's illness in her life ,,, ( well one nasty chest infection which took a long time to clear ) but that aside, a healthier woman over the years it would be hard to find ! ,.,.,., now all of a sudden she's on 4-different lots of pills ... daily for now & possibly a long time to come !
She has, of course, been under a lot of stress and has been working twice as hard as normal over the past 6-months following my illness & treatment regime .,., This probably contributed ?
I really can't believe our family has been hit with another major trauma ,,, Did we really offend the Gods in some previous life ?
Are we just getting old and frail .,., ? 
What ?
Why ? Why my beloved ,,, ??
Why now ?
She's been my love, my rock, my beloved wife for all these years .,.,
She simply doesn't deserve these extra fears & tears .,.,
She's a carer with extraordinary love,
She's my woman,
And I could have lost her
I'm SCREAMING again !

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Urquhart Bloody Castle ! They can keep it.

Urquhart Castle sits beside Loch Ness in Scotland along the A82 road,
between Fort William and Inverness.
It is close to the village of Drumnadrochit.
Though extensively ruined, it was in its day one of the largest strongholds of medieval Scotland,
and remains an impressive structure, ( aye, wellll )
splendidly situated on a headland overlooking Loch Ness.
It is also near this castle that the majority of Nessie (Loch Ness Monster) sightings occur.

It's no' a bad wee bit of brickwork ,, albeit kinda run doon & in need of some TLC !
However it does have Major flaws ,,,
Since my last visit the Prices for entry to walk down a wee bit grass and look closer at this old ruin have gone thro' the bloody roof !
Some £7-20p for each adult and £4-50p per child !!
Our family outing would have cost us ( that's the 13-of us ) some £65-70p on a cold & rainy day .,.,
had we been daft enough to pay !
The only voices I heard coming or going in the direction of the castle ,,  (eh, the couple of walls left standing that is !) were Americans or Japanese funnily enough !
That's not all either .,.,., flaws # 2 & 3 coming up !
The bastards have planted a full row of trees ( small 'ish at the moment but quick growing I'll wager ! )
These are atop the wall with it's already interfering wire mesh, thus making life somewhat difficult / impossible for the would-be tourist Photographer.
This vandalism of our right to view what is a natural Scottish resource ( Loch Ness ) made me very angry indeed .,., with their notices of  " Do Not Stand On The Wall "
Aye right .,., just try stopping me !
Who do these people think they are ? 
If I want to look for Nessie in her Loch then I'll stand on them and their bloody wall if I feel like it !
The final insult was when one of youngsters needed the loo ...
On enquiring where the loo was we were told ,,"Inside !" and to visit would cost us £7-20p + £4-50p
That must be the most expensive pee in all Scotland .,.,
I can only assume the place is run by the English !
Anyway we let the little fella pee against their wall ,, poetic justice I thought ?
And we changed the wean 's nappy in the back of the car and promptly plonked the dirty nappy in their waste bin ,,, right outside the pay booth !!
A last look over my shoulder as we walked away clocked some 20-odd people on the wall snapping away with cameras !
I would urge all visitors to renege at paying this scandalous "fine" to look at our own country's natural landmarks ! Are y'all with me ??
Yo, A Result

Saturday, May 07, 2011

Bye bye Seve ...

Last night Seve finally lost the fight with that malignant tumour in his head . What a sad day for all of golf .
The wee man was a wizard on the golf courses of the world and will be so sadly missed ,,,especially by our Ryder Cup Team. He was inspirational as a Captain, a leader and a supporter.
And so young ,,, 54 is no age to go.
RIP Seve .,., I hope you get in some good rounds in that big Golf Course in the sky ! 

Who's a Happy Bunny Then ??

What a day ,, what a night ,,, what a brilliant victory !
We arra peepel !
Go Big Eck ... we're finally on the move to an Independent Scotland, but don't get rushed into it too soon. As if you would ,,
I haven't managed to get the smile off my face all day :-)
I look forward to seeing as many of the next 5-years as possible.
I know you and Team Scotland won't let us down .,.,
Now go GOVERN /.,.,., You de man .,.,YO

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Flying Balloon

About 4-am this morning I'd had enough !
My tum was aching badly and I felt I needed to go visit my Throne ( well it is THE Wedding Week ! )
Like you didn't know & had managed to escape it ? 
I sat down, resigned to yet another 15-20 minutes without sleep !
But then something very strange ( and almost wonderful ) happened.
I let out the loudest and longest lasting ,, eh, how shall we put it ? .,.,., Bottom Raspberry I've ever experienced !! It went on for some 50 seconds .,. loud and non stop !
My tum felt like a great load had just been lifted ,, seemingly shrinking visibly as I hugged myself .,., the pain went ,, I was almost happy at having got up ,,,
Then it struck me ,,, In my mind's eye I pictured a great balloon with my rugged, older male model look face on board ,, trimmed beard and all, flying up & down and all around the lav !!
I fully expected at any moment to find myself  lying in a heap at the bottom of the stairs with a final weeeeee ,,
So it started ,, I giggled ,, I laughed out loud ,, way too loud for 4-am ,, and after a few minutes almost fell off my Royal seat in hysterics ,,,
Wonder why none of the Docs or Nurses ever mentioned this as an optional exit at the hospital during all my Chemo sessions !!
What a way to go ?,, as a deflating balloon flying round the Lav ,,,

Monday, April 18, 2011

All in a Week's Holiday !!

Just back from a lovey week away with all the family Up North .,.,
It was noisy with 7-we'ans running wild but it was also good fun .,.,
The weather was a real bonus ,, didn't think they ever got sunshine in the upper reaches of Scotland ,,
We were esconsed in a Baronial Mansion in the little town of Keith, sort of mid way between Aberdeen and Inverness and so we also visited some gorgeous little seaside towns and fishing villages on the coast .,., Banff, Macduff, Cullen ,,,
Cullen was the highlight for me, a beautiful town, with a glorious beach and a little café / bistro selling it's very own home made Cullen Skink .,., a must eat for true Scottish Fish Chowder fans !
This and the best Ice Cream shop in the highlands made it a perfect day for us and the kids !
The day was topped off though, by a superb ( if somewhat un PC ) comment from my dearly beloved ,,,
On passing a Chinese take away, by name The Castle Chinese Take Away, Thomas, our son-in-law commented, "Huh, they could surely have come up with a better name than that for their restaurant ? " .,.,( this was one of the few places we visited with not a castle to be seen !! )
The wife, having just enjoyed her Chowder lunch, quick as a flash, had us all on the grass laughing hysterically ,,,
Yeah, she said ,, something more appropriate to the town .,.,how about The Cullen Chink !!
( Humble apologies to any sensitive Chinese reading my Blog ,, but it was said with only fun in mind !)
Unfortunately, on arriving home we found the hall stairs and lower floor area completely flooded and water dripping from the loft through the upstairs light bulb .,., from the amount of water we estimated that it had started dripping as we loaded the car to leave a week earlier !! :-( 
Today, a day later, we had a power cut, seemingly .,., but after some investigation alas no ,, it was our kitchen kettle that that had blown the overload circuit breaker ,, so we're now down a hall carpet and a kettle !!
Surely this is not some ancient Confucius curse being brought to bear on us ?,,, it was only a joke pal ,, honest !!
Anyway, I'll away and investigate the kettle fault just in case it's fixable ???

Thursday, April 07, 2011

OMG, the Shame !

A couple of days ago I received the worst news I've ever had !
No, nothing to do with the dreaded "C" disease this time ,,, possibly even worse ?
My great Dane of a son-in-law only went & poked his nose into our Family Tree .,., a project I started many years ago ,,, He was trying to find & add further back generations of MY family ( doesn't he have a family of his own to poke into ? )
I had listed only back to my Mum & Dad  and their Mums & Dads ,,ie, my grannys & grampas, all done via old aunties & uncles when I could sit them down for long enough & ply them with a few wee drams to keep them talking ! The Dane of course goes much deeper into old archives via the records office in Edinburgh ,,,
Anyway to cut a long story short and hopefully to then bury it deeply after that ,,, it turns out ( and there's no doubting it sadly ) that my paternal Granny, one Mary Hannah Potter was ,,, ugh, I can barely bring myself to say the word ,, ENGLISH !!  There, that's it ,, now can we forget it ?
I'm 25% bloody enemy !!  My family of course are having great fun with this news ,, Of all the people in the world it had to be ME, the Scot Nat .,., Jesus, I'll never live this down ,, In they come whistling the National Anthem, asking me to change the TV to Sky Sports Cricket ,, even bought me a bloody Union Jack hat for Christ's sake ,,,
My mate Steve ,, the Englisher I take great pleasure in beating at golf in our weekly "Auld Enemies" game also happened by for a visit when this dreadful news broke and is beside himself .,., giggling like a loon while still drinking MY booze. Hey Dougie, you could have played for the England footie team if we'd known this earlier !! Are you going to organise a street party for the Royal wedding Doug ,,,  The wife is threatening divorce !
The one burning question in my head is ,,, WHY didn't my old man tell me this ,, that his Ma was English as were the multitude of aunts, uncles & cousins this woman gave us ,,, her sisters & brothers are all bloody foreign as well !  He kept this obviously distasteful info to himself  for all his 74-years ,,
I now feel like an Alien in my own beloved Scotland .,.,
What to do ?,,
I'm away to see if my head fits the oven !

Friday, April 01, 2011

A Short but Funny Wee Tale from the Bedroom !

I've developed a shake !
Another of the dreaeded "Side Effects" I guess ,, you'll  notice there's never any mention of "front effects" or "back efffects" ,,  It's always side effects !
Anyway this "shake" takes the form of a short duration but quite violent & uncontrollable twitching of the foot ! ( generally only one at any given time ? )
Unusually for me, :-(  I was having a wee moan about this after it woke me with a start in bed .,.,
"Bloody pills" I muttered in the B-loved's ear .,., "must talk to the Doc about how to get rid of this ...."
God bless her quick wit,.,.,. in a flash, at 3-am she turned and looked at me and said .,.,.,
Och, Away and join Riverdance !
A hearty slap on the butt and we were both in tears of laughter again .,.,
It's becoming a night time tonic, this middle of the night giggling :-)

Sunday, March 20, 2011

The Scudder's Back !

My friend from the East set me off again ,, thinking, and that's not always a good thing !

I would like some Politician to answer the following questions / statements of facts ... IF THEY CAN !
What idiot brain box ( or was it a Government "Think-Tank" ? ) thought it was a good idea to price our students out of University ? Can you imagine having a noose round your neck to the tune of approx. £70 grand ( including bank Interest ! ) 'til you're in your 50's .,., what chance a mortgage, kids, ( with no chance of a UNI placement of course !! ) as well ??
This has simply put a Uni education beyond most folks ,,, not, of course those same politico families, foreign despots weans and maybe Mafia God Father's offspring !
OK, tell me why DUMBING down our country even further is a good idea ?

Here's another joke that I can't quite get !  How come if we are going thro' the worst recession in the last 50-years or so, can we always find £BILLIONS to send in aid to any foreign outstreached hand ??
We give money to so called 3rd. world countries who are nowadays better off than us ,,, For example we still hand out aid to China who are currently building the worlds fastest, most advanced passenger train service .,.,., India ,, not only do we give them money, but all our jobs too ,, and even train them to do them ( badly ! )  We've been pouring cash into Africa for the past 30-years ( at least ).,., anybody ever see these Africans doing any work with our money ?? you know, building housing, roads, schools etc ,,, NOPE, me neither , but boy are they great at sitting about on their lazy arses with the pair mooth  look .,.,., Oh aye, and all these poor aids infected weans ( on average it looks like about 8 per family !! ) So now at least we know what work they're good at ,,, BUT I'd rather they did that on their own cash rather than mine ! More hard graft building up their country's infrastructure & less shagging might help ?
And we further support these people with obscene £Millions every bloody Red Nose Year !!.,., while our own British Poor are getting poorer !

And still talking recession .,., why don't we ever get a Government with the balls needed to simply put a STOP to the bankers ( that we bailed out ! ) paying themselves criminally excessive salaries .,., and bonuses should not be allowed 'til they've paid us all back for our loan ? What's difficult in that ?

Then there's the highest taxed petrol in the civilsed world ! Incompetent, greedy, useless Politicos again .,.,
These petrol tax levels are obscene and MUST be changed ,, DOWN !!
Why not use the African / Indian / Chinese aid money to reduce OUR home TAXES ??
Or maybe ( again a proper Government required unfortunately ) our football clubs should never be allowed to be owned by foreign rich people .,., and for Christ's sake get a ceiling ( and I mean hugely lower, sensible wages consistent with the ability to kick a ball two or three days a week ! ) on daft wee boy footie players earning 10-times what the bloody Prime Minister earns !  And while we're on the subject, why are all our teams using ptractically exclusively FOREIGN players .,., This is sure doing wonders for our home International teams .,., NOT !  Get these immigrant players back to a max. of two or three per team.

I could go on ( and probably will later ! ) but for now I'm off to watch the cup final !
But one last very serious thought / comment  .,.,
If I was a younger man there's only one thing I'd consider doing in this country .,.,
and that's EMIGRATE !

Strange Experiences ?

Had a strange wee experience last night in bed !!
My dodgy stomach started on one of its long rumbles ,,, nothing painful, just noisy !
The rumble rolled round my lower intestines and up past my left side kidney, over the liver and finally down to my heart ,,,,, ( see how I've learned where stuff is located in there :).
At this point the noise stopped abruptly and I swear I heard this .,.,., in a wee Glesca punter voice .,
My heart actually spoke to me ,, It said Hello ,, a wee up on the hel and down on the lo .,., It was so clear and unmistakably a voice that I actually looked over to make sure the beloved was sound asleep before I ANSWERED !!  I said Hello back .,., Am I losing it ??

So while we're on the subject, the last two / three weeks have been bad ones .,., firstly a nasty little chest infection ( treated with antibiotics ) delayed my Chemo session by a week ,,  the anti B's loosened my already loose bowels so I countered with loads of Imodium ( as directed by my local GP )
All the while the pain in my gut was getting steadily worse .,., The Imodium finally did the trick after about a week ,,, However I then went into a constipation week ,, which was even worse on the gut pain .,.,
Now, to the point of this wee tale .,., At about the same time as the loose / tight bowels started I felt a funny pins & needles / numb feeling .,., wait for it ,, on the outside of my left arm, just above the elbow !
A very odd sensation indeed but again not painful, just kinda dead, numb to the touch ,, Oh and itchy  .,., that's what brought it to my attention in the first place ,,scratching it but not feeling it ?
Anyway, here's the strange bit ! Immediately following the cure of the constipation ( achieved by drinking the awful Movicol for a few days ) and blast off was resumed, the numb feeling disappeared ????
This puts a whole new slant on the old saying, commented the beloved in bed that night ,, leaving both of us giggling like a pair of old loonies .,., in her own inimitable way she told me ,,,
I always knew you didn't know your arse from your elbow !!  

Saturday, March 05, 2011

Dusk 'til Dawn SCREAMING !

I had a wee bit of a bad week last week ,,, just the " normal these days " sore stomach, more loo visits, lack of energy, unable to sleep etc ,, On one such night, when sleep just wouldn't come I finally got up and came downstairs ,, around 4am .,. my easy chair in the living room has proved much better to get off to sleep in than the bed of late !
However, prior to sleep came a poem ,, my first !  Words I just couldn't move out of my head 'til I had written them down ,,, It almost describes how I was feeling that night / morning !

Can't sleep
Can't waken
Can't dream
I so want to SCREAM !

Can't disturb the bed
And all it contains
The beloved needs rest
SHE carries no blame
Oh, to just SCREAM ...

Make her believe
We can't go together
We never could
That's a lovely but insane "dream"
You do it for me my love when it's time to SCREAM ...

But ... Can still think
Can still need
Can still weep
Can still love
But still can't SCREAM

Dreaded disease
Wrecks the body
Transgresses the brain
This thing's not over, we fight to the end
Arghhh ... must soon SCREAM ...

The pain can be hellish
But chemo is king
He's going to win
Have to believe
Can't conceive
Of emptiness & nothing
Arghhhhhh I'm SCREAMING ( inside.)

The hands & the feet
Tingling & shocked
The face too but worse
Walking into the Spider's web
The face melts to ice

Loving my children,
Their children too
Is all that I need
To see this thing through
This Nightmare of SCREAMING

Happiness & rage
They're almost the same
I know which I'll choose
On that last page
With another silent SCREAM

A friend's Champagne
Lies still in the fridge
Maybe we'll drink it together
To celebrate an end
Then we can SCREAM ( in joy ? )

A father might lose
This fight to the death
Won't be forgotten
Left happiness behind
Together now .,., Let's all SCREAM

But I WILL SCREAM with outrage
On that fateful day
I'll cling on to still being ...
Alive and hey,
I'm SCREAM ING ... out LOUD !

Monday, January 31, 2011

A Solution to all our ails ?

This actualy makes bloody good sense to me !
How about we all pass it on to all our MP’s ?? 
Needless to say I already have !
Go for it y'all !

Dear Mr. Cameron,
Please find below our suggestions for fixing Britain's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks & bankers who will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, why not try the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan for Britain :

There are approx. 10 million people over 50 STILL in the work force. ( aye & most against their will ! )
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations :

1) They MUST retire. ( Ha, as if they wouldn't ! )
Ten million job openings immediately available - unemployment .,.,.,fixed !

2) They MUST buy a new BRITISH car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry.,.,., fixed !

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis .,.,., ( what housing crisis ? )  It's now fixed !

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate .,., fixed ! ( or at least significantly improved ? )

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol / tobacco a week. ( Mmmmm, not quite so sure about this one ! )  but there's your money back in duty / tax etc ?! 

6) Finally instead of pussy-footing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.
It can't get any easier than that, can it ?

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances ! ( plus appropriate FINES ! )

Anyone else think this will work ?
Good !.,.,  Then send it to your local & Euro MP's & watch their responses .,., and you'll then know what to do at the next election ?
The people of Britain have spoken !

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Eulogy for a dear WeeThing

I can't believe it .,., I don't want to believe it .,., but alas I know it's true. I spoke to her hubby on the phone last night.
My wee cousie Anne down under in NZ had a massive heart attack and died suddenly on Friday morning.
I was talking to her only 2-days before ,,, My daughter was talking to her yesterday .,., She was fine ,, her usual happy wee self  .,., in fact inviting my daughter, her man and their 5-kids to come to NZ for a long holiday ,, she even offered to rent a caravan and put in her garden if there wasn't enough room for all of them in the house.
That's the kind of person wee Anne was ,, very outgoing, generous to a fault and a lovable wee rougue .,., Well I loved her, her man Tommy loved her and her masses of kids, grandkids and great grandkids all loved her.
I got a phone call on Frid. morning from her older brother Adam, also resident in NZ ,, I was on the golf course, on the tee and ready to drive when my mobile started vibrating in my pocket .,., I checked the screen only to see "Number Witheld".  I was annoyed ,, probably some bugger wanting to sell me some damned thing or other   .,., I ignored it .,., Immediately I put it back in my pocket it started ringing again ! So I answered, rather reluctantly & abruptly I must confess .,., "Who is this .,., what do you want.,.,  I'm busy"  I jumped in with that before listening to a word !!  Then I heard Adam's voice ,, I knew it straight away although him & I don't talk often ,, I also knew then somehow, immediately ,, that something had happened to Anne ,, But this ,, dead, when only two nights before she was doing everything she could to help me fight my diseased body ,, even offered if she could to come & take some of my Chemo doses for me !!  Crazy wee wuman !  But you see what I mean ,, she was just like that ,, and she loved me you see.
She left these shores, under something of a cloud I have to say, as a 17 /18 year old ( pregnant to an almost stranger )  The family all having gone the year previously .,., she was meant to go then too but turned up at my mother's door late one night sobbing and asking to stay ,,, we quickly discovered why !
A baby on the way and a mind in chaos .,.,
So she stayed with us for about a year. Anne & I were always close ,, and during that year became lifelong buddies, sharing all manner of secrets. We both cried when she finally plucked up the courage to go with her no longer stranger but new hubby ( Oh and pregnant for the 2nd. time ! ) & face the family down under.
We swore we'd write to one another every week !
We probably wrote two letters after that parting and then nothing ,,, for maybe about 25 / 30 years ! ( other than the obligatory Xmas cards ) We then found one another again and proceeded to write virtual books  every two or three weeks ,, I'm talking epic letters here ,, never less than about 30 / 40 pages .,., they were great ( well apart from her spelling which was truly atrocious & her grammar which was non existent ) but  they were fun to decipher & read !
Later we went hi-tech and word processor letters were the order of the day .,.,., ( her typing was a bit iffy too )
Finally we went Skype and stopped writing in favour of the free computer web cam & telephone system at our respective desks.  We talked on average once every week ,,
God but I'm gonna miss seeing her wee face and her cheery "Hullo" popping up on my screen.
It's only been a day but I still find it hard to take in !
Tommy, the hubby that we all said would never last, was still there and mad about her some 45 years later !
A good guy Tom turned out to be ( hey and a golfer of no mean stature )
Anne & her big sister Mary came all the way from NZ for our son's wedding .,., they stayed with us for about 6-weeks and we got to know one another all over again ,, in the flesh so to speak !
Tom also came visiting and we played some golf together, a real nice guy when I got to know him properly.
I would go to her funeral if I could but .,., she wouldn't thank me for coming now since she tried unsuccessfully for years to get us to go there for a holiday, and there's simply no way I can interrupt my Chemo sessions which still have 3 months to go.
But my thoughts will be there every minute of that day .,
Goodbye dear WeeThing .,.,I'll miss you 'till my dying day.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

The Real Talent

Writers are the real deal ,,, always have been !  ( well with the exception of course of the SOAP writers !! ) Actors, comedians, so-called Celebs ! As a rule they do nothing other than interpret what the real talent have written for them.
Take the acting fraternity ,, now I do admit some very fine actors can & do do their stuff but without the real deal they too would be nothing ! The Shakespeares, the Chekhovs, the Virginia Woolfs, never felt a need to "act" .,., just to write.
Next take an example of the Comedians, Bob Hope, one of the old school non writing comics..he had a team of some 50 ( yeah Fifty ! ) full time, paid for, writers working round the clock producing ALL his funniest lines ! All Hope really ever had was perhaps a funny face ? He went way down in my estimation many years ago, when I learned that his team wrote his every utterance .,., sad really ?  
But then again Bob's work was at least not littered by bad taste & gutter swearing just for the shock value like today's "alternative" writer comics .,., Go learn your trade people !
Now as for the so-called celebs in our sick society .,., least said about this scum, the better !
Daily doses of Simon, I'll tell you what !! ( yuk ) Cowell, Jordan ( a beauty ???? .,., in whose dim eyes for Christ's sake ,, bloody plastic rubbish ? ) etc, etc, just make me want to throw up .,.,  Why, oh why do we pay these insignificant piss artist tossers money to annoy us ?  Go away & get a proper job you lot !
There is also other genuine talent of course .,., the proper artists ,, painters ,, now here again we have some real talent ,,( but some real chancers too of course ! )
But, like words, some artistic canvasses can move you to tears.
The Musicians ,, music is my first love .,., But would turn this blog into a Blook to list all my musical influences & favourites ! 
But please, please let's get rid of all this NON Talent ?                

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Love is indeed a many splendored thing !

Love is a many-splendored thing,
It's the April rose that only grows in the early spring,
Love is nature's way of giving a reason to be living,
The golden crown that makes a man a king.
Once on a high and windy hill,
In the morning mist two lovers kissed and the world stood still,
Then your fingers touched my silent heart and taught it how to sing,
Yes, true love's a many-splendored thing.

Oh & just before all you spell check freaks start firing daggers ,, this is the original bastardised USA spelling as written by the composer / lyricist and as used on the film title & dozens of cover recordings .,., the truly awful "Splendored" .,.,

  Yeah, this is going to be another of my more maudlin blogs I'm afraid. You can tell, I'm sure, from the very title !  But have no fear .,.,The fun filled, angry, ranting Dougie will return ,, but not today.

My love for my own dearly beloved , for my daughter, my son ,,, their love for me is truly inspiring !
Being diagnosed recently and given a very limited time prognosis sure as hell brings the mind into sharp focus ,, or melting despair of course, depending on your outlook !
I have never been one to melt, give up without a fight ,, so I'll never ask the age old question "Why me" for isn't that just a another selfish way of saying " why not you ? or one of the other 3 likely candidates ( they say 1 in 4 of us will contract this dreadful disease during our lifetime ,, so that's why it's me ,, I was simply the 1 in my 4 ! )
Nor will I fear dying ,, I was told once ( no, more than once ! ) by a dear old friend "Never be afraid of dying Dougie" for greater things will come after death. But then again he has "the religion" .,., I don't, but still I have no real fear for myself. My worry is watching my loved ones go thro' hell on a daily basis when I have no means of helping their pain, other maybe than to keep on smiling? My wonderful wife is dying inside but tries not to show it .,., her pain affects me almost worse than my own. And I worry too that I won't be here to help her when her time comes ,, I won't have that pain ,, My children, I can actually feel their love for me coursing thro' my body with every hug & kiss.  It's lovely but it hurts seeing them suffer.
My son weighed in initially before I was deemed inoperable with a " how much will it cost to go Private and quicker ,, I'll give you a part of my liver Dad, and a kidney ",,, My daughter too has similar thoughts I suspect and living closer comes up with dinners and hugs on a daily basis. These gestures of giving were never on the cards ( well never on mine ). These guys have families of their own to look after .,., I'm happy to become a loved memory ,, but not too soon ,, the Chemo appears to be working well so who knows what extra time I'm buying myself ? Hey, I've got a bedroom still to decorate !
My son Derek, on Xmas day came round the table and stood hugging me from behind, as I sat on the dining room chair, having put on a favourite song of ours ,, The Proclaimers singing their "Act of Remembrance" , written with great love for their late dad. Both my son & myself listened thro' tear filled eyes but I think I put a smile back on his face when I asked the question ,," Should I no' be deid before you sing your Act of Remembrance " for me ?
I know I diversify a little here, but along the same lines, I was devastated when Phyl left her 1st. hubby André after what seemed a lifetime .,., some 15-years and 3 kids ,,, gutted for her, the kids and André.  However, some 5 years later Phyl is happily remarried and has two more children and is most definitely back to her old happy-go-loving self .,., her new man Thomas has been a God send .,., I thanked him only recently for giving us back our daughter ! 
But Andre, he hasn't moved on one iota .,., his problem is that although "apparently married" again too ( to a young Chinese girl he met on an internet chat ( up ? ) site )  he obviously still loves Phyl .,., ( now that pain I could not live with ) only recently asking her to meet over coffee to discuss how her new man ( the family stealing bastard he calls him ) has destroyed both their lives !! 
But now I'm afraid the love we all had for André has turned to its close companion ,, well maybe not quite hate for he is and always will be my dear grand kids dad ,, but certainly loathing for the way he treats my daughter, and now more especially his children.  A true loving dad he isn't !

But getting back to my subject of love ,,, I would simply like to finish by saying ,,
What a gal I chose all those years ago, and boy did we make two of the finest kids ever ? 
And what have they gone & done ?.,.,
They've only given us the 7 most wonderful, gorgeous grand kids that any grand parents could ever desire.
Love is, indeed a many splendored thing .,., long may it continue.

Monday, January 10, 2011

The Blogger's Block !

Yep, that's right .,., I've got it ! .,., the dreaded Blogger's block .,.,
Can't think of a bloody thing to say .,., about anything !
Not like me at all ,,
I guess the brain is now failing too ?
Or maybe it's the bloody weather ,, or lack of ,,,
My golf course has now been CLOSED for weeks on end .,., How the hell am I supposed to stay fit ?
Putting on the lobby carpet can do only so much for your putting stroke, but bugger all for your fitness ,,
I'm gonna have to go out somewhere today just to see if the legs still work !
And that will most probably mean the shops .,. Yawn .,., ipsofacto, the beloved will no doubt run up yet another unnecessary food bill !
I suppose I could read another book .,., play with my new mobile phone, or watch more golf on the telly ?
Christ, can life get any more exciting ???

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

A'm Thinkin' !

It's been a while since I last posted onydamnedthing oan ma blog !
A seem tae huv dried up .... the write juices huv stopped flowin' !
A'm actually huvin' a helluva time right now concentratin' on anything !
A'm thinkin' aw yon drugs are bitin' at ma bum !!
A'm tryin' no' tae be too morbid aboot the possible outcome o' ma wee problem but the odd thought just flits intae ma brain .,., sometimes it even makes me laugh !
Here's wan that makes me baith laugh & greet ! .,.,.,
I wis wonderin' this past week.,., dae deid people miss them that's left behind, wance they're deid ?
I'd like tae think that they dae ,, 'cause ther's some folks a'm really gonna miss .,., but then again ,,, I know I'm bein' a we bit daft here, um a no' ?  But a'm boy'd up wi' the thought that I know these same folks will miss me !
But am still askin' .,., WHY should only the livin' get tae miss them that's gone awa ? 
That's a guid question Dougie .,., intit ? Aye ,,,
And talking o' wa's .,.,., that's whit happened to wee Prince Cherlie wisn't it ? ..,
Turned intae bricks & mortar the wee effeminate Prince .,., for isn't it said .,.,
Prince Cherlie's noo a wa' !!