Friday, August 19, 2011

The Saga of the Anti Twist Plate & Mr. Allen !

You know how these things pan out ?
First we needed to wallpaper the bedroom ,,, our bedroom ,, it hasn't been done for a wee while.
So we bought the paper .,., and it lay in the cupboard for Oh ,, about 6-months ?
Then we used it to re paper our grandson's bedroom ! ( different room ,, different hoose ! )
We then bought new paper for our room & it went into the cupboard for .,., Mmmm, maybe another 6-months ?
We've had a couple of other wee traumas to deal with during this past year which kinda put the wallpapering project on the back burner  !
Anyway our health & strength has been on the wane some during this time to the point where I finally decided to let our next door neighbour ( a fine painter & decorator to trade ) do the work for me.
He made a lovely job of it and in just two days we were ready to put the room back together again and move back in !!
Silly me ! Did I really believe that ?  No, no, no, first we needed a new bed to compliment the new decor .,., but even before that of course, the carpet was well overdue replacing wasn't it ,,, and since the bed's out there in the spare room meantime, what better time ??
So the carpet was chosen & the fitters came & down it went ,, half an hour later we needed to assemble the bed !!  Oh have I mentioned yet the new curtains, light shade, reading lights over the bed, wall mount Tv, etc, etc ,,, ??  Ahhh all in due course then !
Next was the overhead light ,,, a splendid new ( & expensive !! ) Tiffany lamp from Lite Craft ,,, you know, Lite Craft, the ( phenomenally expensive ) Lighting Experts !!  Well we bought it, as I said, a splendid affair, big, heavy ( aye really heavy ,, ) and all pretty colours. We took it home ( carefully cosseted on the back seat of the car ,, watch that bump ! ) and the amateur electrician decided to put it up ,, well what safer place to keep it ?
"What a bloody weight" the amateur was heard to say ,, "this'll bring the ceiling doon !"
Not to be deterred the missus wuman insisted .,., "Ah like it ,,, it's goin' up ,, !" 
Then we noticed ,, aye both of us ,, there was no way to attach this heavy weight to the ceiling ?? Absolutely no possible connection betwixt our existing ceiling rose and this new monster lamp ?
We called on friends to check we weren't simply acting out dumb & dumber roles ??  but alas everyone agreed ,, it had no means of being hung !!
"Shit !" the amateur muttered ,, get all the bubble wrap, poly bags etc, back out of the bin .,., we're off back to see the Experts ..., and so we did ,, again very carefully watching every bump in the road .
The young lady I approached told me, calm as you like ,, cool as a bleedin' cucumber in fact & without even as much as a mild blush !.,., "Oh you need an anti twist plate !"  "A whit ?" says I .,., "An anti twist plate ,, that gives you the hook to hang it onto that earth bracket inside the brass housing ,, See ? ,,"
"So where is it ?" I ask ,,
"Oh we don't supply it !!!" she tells me ,,  "It's only a wee cheap thing though ,, you'll get one in B & Q for about 70p .,., "  By this time steam is rushing from my ears at 100psi with no safety relief valve fitted in the heid !! ,,,
"I'll what ??  Drive to B & Q .,., Aye so ah will hen ! " WHY don't you supply the bloody thing if it's that necessary & that cheap ??  D'you know how much this lamp cost me ?  the one I've now trailed back & forth THREE times now ?
I want to see the Manager !  NOW !! 
Off she went ,, the manager ( a boy of about 12 summers ) arrived back clutching a little bit of metal in his already sweaty mitt .,
"Mr. B" he gushes, "I've managed to find a spare anti twist plate for you ,,! " " Look, this is how it works ..."
" Aye right "says me ,, "but it should be included in the lamp package ,, not need every customer to find out the hard way & have to make a return  journey .,., You'll be hearing from my lawyer in due course sonny, regarding compensation for stress & strain, petrol money and a general stupidity ex-gracia payment !"
And so I left .... failing that I may have been up on an assault charge on a minor !!
The carpet now fitted, the lamp now fitted, it was time to assmble the new bed !
Och, should I bother ?,,,  it must be me ! ,, surely the world isn't being dumbed down deliberately ,, all the time ?
Anyway, the bed comes with a single assembly instruction sheet ,, a we'an could follow the steps ,, in fact my two grandwe'ans did ,, they did most of the assembly ,,, however, and here's the rub !
The screws, and the tool they supply are of the Allen type ,,
{A hex key, Allen key, or Allen wrench (also known by various other synonyms .,., ( I'll just bet it is !! ) is a tool of hexagonal cross-section used to drive bolts and screws that have a hexagonal socket in the head (internal-wrenching hexagon drive) } 
Oh and did I mention ,, the most TOTALLY USELESS tool ever invented !
Mr. Allen never did think to add a bloody handle to allow his tool to be easily turned ,, and if ever a bed was made with absolutely no access for such a tool this was that bed ! I could get a quarter turn ( at best ) on any of these damned screws ,, which turned a 5-minute job with a screwdriver into a 3 hour job ! ( and lots of sweat on the new carpet ! )
If I could have got my hands on said Mr. Bloody Allen he'd have had screws where the monkey hid his nuts ,, aye & his nuts would be there too !

Ladiers & Gentlemen ,,, The Grumpy old man has now left the building !!

1 comment:

Alistair said...

A vintage rant from an old master.

- or is that 'an old b......'?


nice one Dougie.