Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Whatever Happened to the Old New Year ?

What a sad state we've come to !
And sadly I'm old enough to tell you this ,.,. Are you even aware ? ... Let me tell you,.,.,.,
New Year Fings, ain't wot they used to be ,,, not in my day !
No more the friendly knock on the door of ( or by ) neighbours .,., No more joyous exclamations of "Happy New Year" & kisses on the doorstep ,, no more lumps of coal, bottles of whisky, boxes of shortbread being brought to Party by friends !
What's happened ? where has our wonderful old Scottish culture gone ? ,,,
We've been Anglicized I fear ,, or could it be worse than that even ? .,., Globalized maybe ???
Even the slightly less old, but at the time pretty good, Hogmanay TV offerings were great fun ,,,
Duncan McRae, Rikki ( I.M.Jolly ) Fulton, Jack Milroy, Chic Murray ,, aye even Jimmy Logan ,,, and the rest ,,, Alas no more .,,. even the light entertainment candle has been dimmed !
Youth doesn't party with their elders anymore ,.., no more singalongs around the piano nights ? No more wandering from house to house to return home only when the bottles were all empty ,,,
How can our children then learn for the future continuance of these cultural rituals .,,. ?
Now they gather in City Centres and scream & dance in a frenzy of drunken debauchery .,.,
and PAY for the priviledge ! Pay to celebrate New Year ?,, now that says it all really !
Local goverment has obviously learned from its elders ,.,. just jumped on the National goverment bandwagon and now taxing us to do anybloodything ,,
Watch out for that "Breathing Tax",.,.., it's bound to be introduced soon ?
No one, it seems, wants the inconvenience of having their home "messed up" and having to sort it all next morning ,, but why ?? It was never a problem 30- years ago ... washing a few extra glasses surely isn't that much of a chore in today's Dishwasher world ?
We did our annual local Pub thing last night .,., and yeah, we too paid for the privilege :-(
Get to the pub around 9pm ,,, buy drinks all night at their inflated prices, DJ in the corner doing his best to drown out all conversation, ( and with a faulty watch so he rung out the old year & in the new fully 4-minutes before the magical midnight !!
And did he end the night with our beloved last dance and Rabbie's hogmanay anthem “Auld Lang Syne” .,,. Did he hell ,, the last we heard from him was a noisy parting shot of New York, New York ,.,. Eh ?
It was all over and we were thrown out at 1.30am !! Just about the time we used to start out !
If this is the best we have on offer I think next Hogmanay I'll go to bed !

Saturday, December 27, 2008

And a Smelly New Year !

I told y'all once before about Peter .... a golf buddy ,,, oldish ,, maybe 73 now but fit and a damn good golfer ,, handicap 12 ,.,.
The before story was about his lack of savvy regarding modern day technology ,.,. in fact modern day icons ,,, he doesn't quite know the various makes of Mobile Phones ,,,, ring any bells ??? Hahahaha "I'll have wan o' yon Nookie phones hen "
( See my Blog of Thursday, March 06, 2008 Auld guys don't do Gadgets )
Anyway nor, it seems does he have much of a clue re acceptable Xmas pressies .,,.,.
Peter is youngest of his siblings .,,. he has an older sister ( she's now into her 80's ,,, maybe 82 )
He couldn't decide this year what to buy her for Xmas ,,, so he asked her what she'd like .,,.
He suggested jewellery ( for an 82 year old ? .,,. well who knows, maybe this old bird gets out on the town a bit ? ) She declined ,,,
He offered clothes ? Ok not bad ,, but she declined again ,, telling him he barely passed muster in his own clothes so no thanks, he sure as hell wasn't choosing anything like that for her !
Och ,.,.,. Just surprise me she said ,,, Oh dear ,,,, what a silly thing to say to a Peter type .,.,
He thought and he thought and finally it struck him ,,,
The old lady has a wee plot ( allotment ) up the road from her house and she loves to potter around with her flowers and stuff ,,
You've guesssed it you think ??
He'd buy her some plants ,, or seeds ,, or ,,,
Nah, not Pete .,,.
He bought her ,,, and honest, this is no lie or made up story ,,,
Yep, he bought her ,,, a big bag of ,,,,, MANURE !!!!
So now y'all know what to buy for your nearest and dearest next time they say ,,,
" Och gaun, Surprise Me !! "
And a Shitey Xmas to you too !

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Who said Retirement was Fun ?

From this, to this in a day!

Well !,.,. that was the week that was ...
( or TW3 for those of you old enough to remember the wonderful original David Frost satirical Sat. nights ?)
My daughter and her beloved bidie-in hit crisis point earlier this week.
They've been working hard over the past several weeks ( or is it months ? ) trying to convert an old dilapidated kitchen into a brand new TV room come visitor bedroom ,,,
I ( no correction, we ), my very own beloved and I, offered to help since time was fast running out before the room's first visitors were due to arrive ,.,. the bidie-in's mum & dad all the way from Denmark.
So I pitched in & helped with new plaster boarding of walls, plastering holes with fresh mortar, sanding said areas etc. all in an effort to get to the painting & wallpapering .,,.., the stuff Phyl thought couldn't possibly now be completed in time ,..,
Well we got there, we started painting Wed. ,.,. 2nd. coat painting Thurs. morning early and at 10 am Thursday morning we started papering ( the guests were due Frid., mid afternoon !! )
However, my beloved & I are long experienced wallpaperers ,,, and work beautifully in team fashion .,,.
I measure, match patterns, cut etc and she pastes .,,. I hang and then we're off at it again ,,, so over the years and the rooms we've become fairly proficient .,,.
We thought we'd break it's back Thurs. & finish Frid morn before the guests arrival.
However at about our planned stopping time Phyl made us a lovely Chilli ,.,.
After the chilli we decided to go for broke and finish the job all in the one day !
So, around 10pm we finally packed up our tools and viewed the finished article .,., with a large G & T in hand ,.,. hic ! Thomas & I then moved in the necessary furniture ,, bed, rug, and temporary wardrobe ,.,. Against all the odds we were ready for the guests ! Phew ,,,
It passed muster and everyone was pleased ,,, well apart from me & my beloved ,, :(
we were too knackered to be pleased or anything else and slept almost 12-straight hours !
Who ever said retirement was easy ? But it can be fun :0)

Monday, December 15, 2008

Pay for What ?

This ,,,,,, or this ?

We have visitors today ,.., they've come to make substantial alterations to Buchanan Towers ! They say we will feel great benefit from their work .,., we will be warmer in summer & cooler in winter ,, and it will take longer to cool down in winter ( & presumably stay cooler longer during the long, hot, summer months we have here in Scotland ! ),,, and best of all, our gas heating bills will be smaller ! What more could we ask ? Well apart from, why didn't you come do this 35-years ago ya bass !!
Anyway, EDF our benevolent Gas supplier ( currently at least ! ) gave us this opportunity to upgrade our home insulation ,, Today then, our cavity is being filled !! Oof-ya ,,
It's not the quietest of jobs ,., In fact it's bloody noisy ! They've drilled about 40 rather large holes in my property ,, so far ! and knocked out all my pretty little red vents all round the house ,.,. I do hope they know what they're about ,,, if not it could be bloody cold in here !
They say it'll take no longer than about 3-hours start to finish so we're in the last hour now !
But it's a strange old job this one ,,,
OK, I know they're doing something out there but how can I really tell what I'm getting for my money ,,, there's nothing to see at the end of it all ,, I only have their word for it that they've filled my cavity :) ,,, and with what ? they could be pumping anything into my holes !! Ouch ... How will I ever know ? Wonder what they'll say when I ask them to PROVE the job's been done ,, and done correctly ?
So I asked them ! .,,. How do I know you've not been pumping any old shite into my holes ?
Oh dear, the workie says to me ,, You can smell it already ,,, ??? It doesn't usually filter thro' 'till long after we've gone !!
Mmmmm ,,, Well would you pay for something you didn't actually know had been done ?
Roll on the next cold spell 'till I see it's been money well spent !
I'll let you know in due course.
TBC .....

Thursday, November 27, 2008

I couldn't have put it better myself.

We must heed the sage advice of our elders
Old age is not what it used to be. We once sent people corny cards featuring pipes and slippers, and presented them with carriage clocks when they reached 65, so that they could count out their "declining years" a minute at a time.
Today, in the words of Andre Maurois: "Growing old is a bad habit which a busy man has no time to form." And while some seem to be born middle-aged, others die young well into their nineties.
As if to make us feel guilty about sneaking off to the golf course, a group of the world's most celebrated senior citizens took it into their grey heads to spend their weekend attempting to solve the political impasses of the world.
Can the Global Elders succeed where everyone else has failed (or not even tried)?
The idea was born from a conversation in 1999 between entrepreneur Richard Branson and singer songwriter Peter Gabriel. If the world is becoming a "global village", they reasoned, then it requires "global elders", a group of wise old heads who will do the equivalent of sitting at the crossroads in the shade of an old tree and resolving feuds. It was partly a response to the perceived absence of calm voices in modern international disputes.
In 2001, the idea was put to Nelson Mandela, the "eminence gris" best placed to pull it off. He loved it and by the time Global Elders was launched on his 89th birthday in 2007, a dozen names had been pencilled in. Five were Nobel prize-winners, including retired Anglican Archbishop Desmond Tutu and former Irish President Mary Robinson.
The launch was accompanied by much high-flown rhetoric. In what sounded like a deliberate parody of the prayer of St Francis of Assisi, Mandela spoke of the need to "support courage where there is fear, foster agreement where there is conflict and inspire hope where there is despair". Seemingly intractable problems would be tackled "stone by stone". During their twice-yearly meetings, a symbolic empty chair is always reserved for Burma's Aung San Suu Kyi.
It's easy to mock the idea. One newspaper leading article compared the elders to the Travelling Wilburys, the 1980s band assembled by Bob Dylan, George Harrison and Roy Orbison by way of self-veneration, then suggested it could become "a makework scheme for ex-leaders who cannot let go". In truth, unlike its members, this body is too young to face judgment but does have a lot going for it. Because members give up their time for nothing, it has a certain moral authority. Unlike the UN, its members do not represent any particular country or institution. Rather, they are freelance diplomats with nothing to lose and unparalleled contacts books. They can pick up the phone to anyone. And, as Mary Robinson puts it, they can "amplify the voices of those who are trying to raise issues of concern that are not being listened to". They can also work quietly behind the scenes.

"Old age, especially an honoured old age, has such great authority that it is of more value than all the pleasures of youth," said the Roman orator Cicero.
In classical antiquity, the retired were so revered that society operated on the basis of "seniores priores". The elderly were seen not as "wrinklies" but priceless assets, always afforded the front seats at the councils of state.

Compare that with modern British politics, where Menzies Campbell was hounded from leadership of the Liberal Democrats after being shamelessly lampooned as a doddering old fool and Vince Cable, his fellow sixty-something, excluded himself from the running to replace him on account of his age, despite being perhaps the liveliest voice in the Commons. No wonder. We live in a society where the overwhelming majority do not consider "elder abuse" to be a serious issue and most are more concerned about cruelty to animals. We honour our 82-year-old monarch, while 3.5 million elderly people live alone, many in poverty and loneliness.

If there's a lesson to be learned from the cheery, upbeat, jet-setting Global Elders, it is that this is a resource that we waste at our peril.
Or as the French moralist Joseph Joubert put it: "Life is a country that the old have seen and lived in. Those who have yet to travel through it can only learn the way from them."

And so say all of us old "wrinklies"

Monday, November 24, 2008

It's obviously a Woman thing !

It seems to be a thing women do ...To be more precise, it seems like Ann & Joycie are past masters of this art form !
First it was Ann, falling over carrying the new baby in her arms ,, somewhere up Sauchiehall St. some 7-years ago .. in the process of saving the new born we'an from being splattered on the sidewalk she broke an ankle ,, and severely damaged her leg, bum, upper arm and face ... the wean was completely unhurt ,, well saved Granny !
This took many many weeks to heal ,,, the ankle was indeed broken but worse perhaps was the tearing of the surrounding ligaments & tendons .,,.Ouch !
From memory it was some 12-14 weeks later before she was fit again for work.
Then there was Joyce ,, Steve, being Steve, was patiently awaiting her return from a shopping excursion in Lanzarote, to meet him in the local bar where he was busy cooling down and reading the cricket scores ! The pub door opened in a somewhat dramatic fashion ,, she fell ,, tumbling headlong INTO the bar ! and guess what ,, Yep , broken ankle ! Steve did so well on that occasion .,., dived to try and save her and never spilled a drop of his drink !!
This one took the best part of a year to fully recover ! What are they like ?

Not long after that the daughter walks out her back door with a cheesecake under her arm and promptly falls on her arse but not before ripping the ankle ligaments to hell ,,, result : - a foot the size of two with a colour display to rival the Aroraborialis ! Weeks off work ,,,

So really, what were we to expect this Thursday past ,, Steve & me, doing our thing on the golf course all morning while the girls started their Xmas shopping in town ,,, Naturally the girls being THE GIRLS ,, they would have had their LUNCH as they say in Edinburgh ! ,,, and we all know what lunch means when it's Ann & Joycie ,..,
They said it was just the one bottle of wine ,, hic :0)

However, alighting from the train at Patterton Station NM, it's Ann's turn again ,,, she says it was a guttering on the platform walkway ! ,,, ( now who ever heard of a gutter that wasn't on a roof ? ) ,,, arse over tit she went, down with a clatter she went, over on the ankle once again ,,,

Fortunately Steve had gone down to pick them up from the station ,,, he & Joyce carried her home to me between them ,,, "damaged goods" I said they'd brought me back when she hobbled in the back door ,,,,, they dumped her on the couch and kinda slunk off ,,, ankle swelling as we watched it ,,, Oh, ouch again ,,
It's now a few days later and PHEW ,,, it's well on the mend ,,, only slightly bruised, black, blue and purple ,, but I take the credit for the quick recovery this time round ,, for wasn't it me who rushed to the bar and gave her a large whisky ,, and wasn't it me who suggested the spray of Deep Heat ,,, and it was definitely me who poured the next whisky(s) ,,, well I was traumatised too ! Anyway, whoever suggested the cure, I am heaving a huge sigh of relief .,,.
she's definitely fit enough again to do her own XMAS SHOPPING !

Friday, November 21, 2008

Very Choosy Crooks in Crookfur !

We have a daft postman ,.,. he's always been daft ,,, we've had words in the past !
He constantly walks all over our beautifully manicured garden lawn ,.,.
ok, the grass in front of the hoose ! ... to save him walking up & down the path .,., Lazy B .,.,
He's now taken to dumping stuff ( deliveries that don't fit the letterbox ) at the front door when no one is in !! This does two things ,,,
1) it lets the local thieves know the house is unoccupied ,,, and
2) it lets the same crooks lift what is left on the doorstep ! ,.,.,.
Oh and 3) it makes me very ANGRY !
I have now spoken to the local sorting office manager .,,. Glad to report this leaving of goods at the door is NOT Post Office Policy ,, just daft postman policy !
I have very politely advised said manager that if it happens again I will take HIM to Court.
He gulped loudly and said he'd have a word (again) with the errant postie .,,.
I suggested maybe they hire a higher caste monkey in future ,,,,
This morning I have a large notice on my front door inviting the Postie to stop for a chat !!
"We need to talk about your droppings, son !"
The beloved has been waiting on some Pill deliveries .,,. the health stuff we take daily ,, cod liver oil capsules, Glucosamine, etc ,,,
Last night a guy out walking his dog some 500 yards up the road re-delivered some of postie's droppings to us ,,, they'd been thrown into a nearby garden and his dog found them !! However, some were missing !! Perhaps the ones the local crooks/ drug dealers felt they could sell on ??
So now I wait ,,, curtains drawn wide open ,.,. Postie is a comin' ,,,
And we need to talk ,,, wonder if his name is KEVIN ???

Monday, November 17, 2008

Denmark in the Fall

Just spent a very pleasant, long-weekend in Arhus, Denmark with little Anna's other Granny & Grampa, ( Grosmutter & Grosvater ) Brita & Peter, Thomas' mum & dad.
Little Anna & her mum Phyl came too ! ,,, as did my other ( better ? ) half.
Phyl drove us through to Embra at a fairly early hour ( well it was for my beloved ! )
Ryanair already had a 40-minute delay posted on the board before we got to the airport.
We had a coffee and a bun .,., possibly the most expensive coffee/bun combo in the Western world ? Or maybe I just don't travel enough these days ?
Anyway, we got on board the 737 jet just about dead on the 40-minute delay mark ,, certainly no chance of taking off "on (revised) time" unless it was a new vertical take off version !
The pilot did the next best thing however ,.., we taxied to the end of the runway, turned at speed and whoosh ,, we were off .,., up, up and away ,,,
There was obviously a tail wind pushing us along ,,, for there we were, 1-hour 15-minutes later, down and out in Billund, Denmark ! ,.,. Unbelievably on time ! I mean ON TIME ,, we had even
picked up the original 40-minute delay too !! Well done Ryanair !
Phyl picked up the hire car and drove us to Brita & Peter's place in the country, some 10-miles or so out of Arhus, a beautiful and quaint little country church with an enormous old Manse. Must be 16-rooms ?,, possibly even more I didn't see !
Wow, what a place to grow up and call home ,,, Thomas was indeed a lucky boy ,,, as was his sister Miriam.
However, sadly Brita is now retiring and must leave the big house she has called home for almost 40-years ,.., what a wrench this will be ,.,. both her & Peter are typical academics ( like their son and his love ) and consequently have accumulated books upon books upon books on top of all the furniture and general "stuff" needed to fill such a house ,.,,, which now needs to move into a small flat in town ! I don't envy them that task !
Phyl drove us into town for a look at old Arhus ,, a sea-side town with a large harbour /port with lots of ships coming & going ,, not unlike what old Glasgow used to be.
We had a nice traditional Danish lunch in a little pub .,,. really lovely ,,, and were fed like Kings & Queens at every meal in the Manse ,,,,, I let myself down just the once, putting a little topping of Camembert cheese onto my (so sweet) Danish pastry, just to take the edge off it's sweetness, honest !
Phyl drove us back to the airport and home from Embra, paid all the airfares, car hire, petrol, etc, etc, so a very relaxing time for us ,,, although I did suffer some ,, from what turned out to be tonsillitis, and a raging cold with a bad chest infection ,,,,
Now I guess I'd better get some cash from the bank and pay for our Danish weekend break ?

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Santa Lives !

I forgot my shaver when we went away for a few days holiday recently with the family !
Honestly, I did ,, a genuine forgetful "senior moment."
We were staying with my son so I figured I'd simply borrow his ,,, guess what ?
Hahaha, yep, he forgot his too ,,,, Now he doesn't have the "senior moment" card to play so you might be right to think some kind of conspiracy was actually afoot ,,, :¬)
The daughter's bidey-in DID have his but hell, it was a wet shave old fashioned razor thing with which I could easily have cut my throat ,, and he was a good 10-minute walk away ,,!!
So the son & I decided .,., right there and then, on the spur as they say ,,
It's getting close to Xmas and the Credit Crunch is beginning to bite so we might need a wee part time job with Santa come mid Dec.?
Anyway I've now had this face ( the one my other half says " you're not bringing that into my bed I trust !" ) for about a month or so ,,, no trimming, no shaping, no tidy up work at all ,, just me, au natural !
And I've been doing a kind of snap poll .,.,.,
Most of my MEN friends think it looks good ,, or it's ok ,,, or I suit it ,,
Funnily enough however, even without my wife's prompting, most of my WOMEN friends think it's not so good,,, just not me, when am I shaving it off again ,, it makes me older ,,,
So, I think I need to conduct a wider poll !!
Any comments please, on a post card or here ,,,
What's YOUR verdict ?

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Faulty one's to Blame !

So there I was, maybe 2-weeks ago?, doing some "official" printing for my golf secretary "job" !
The printer decided half way through my "work" that we needed some replacement ink ,,,
A pain in the arse of course but no sweat,.,., like all good secretaries I (generally) always have spare cartridges to hand. So I changed the black, as requested. We set to "work" again .,., only for me to be advised some 5-minutes later that the printer had now decided ,,,, "( I ) Do not recognise these cartridges" ? "Please change cartridges "?? "Eh ?", I said ,.,..,
So started a week long discussion ,, nay, argument ,, betwixt me, the Printer and the ink folks ,.,.
I changed all the bloody ink pots ,, the damned machine still refused to acknowledge it's own ,.,.
I tried to fool it by pretending to change them ,, but nothing would make the bugger print !
So I decided to take out my wrath on the ink supplier ,,
"Why did you send me incompatible cartridges" I asked them ,,, "I want replacements sent asap" ,, "Aye right" they replied ,,," our ink wells are just fine ,, but if you want you can send them back for testing ".,.,., well ok I thought ,, maybe ,, but here's the rub ,,
“Non-Ink Shop brand or used cartridges will not be accepted” ,,,
Now why would I send someone else’s ?
“If cartridge(s) are empty and/or appear to be used, they will not be accepted.”
Eh ? if I hadn’t tried using them how would I know they were faulty ya daft b,,, ??
“Cartridges with labels torn off will not be accepted “
WHIT ? The sealing tab that must be removed prior to fitting the cartridge into the printer can't be removed ??
So just how would I be able to tell they were faulty BEFORE removing this label ,,,,
So, to recap ,,, it would appear that unless I send them back only virgin, unopened, unused, cartridges, they won’t accept them ??
So I asked them again ,,, Why am I going to waste my money on postage then, sending them back to you ??
Oh, and I also asked.,,. Do you want to keep me as a customer ??
So they relented and said send all your ink back for testing !!
About this point I spoke to the big son ( the family computer know-all ! )
He suggested perhaps a hiccup in the printer .,,. just un-instal and re-instal Dad, and all will probably return to normal ? ,,, It was the weekend so I thought ,, why not ?
He talked me through the procedure (with the existing cartridges still in place) ,,,
Ha, the temperamental machine ( a brilliant description this ,, "subject to changes of mood " ) decided the cartridges were indeed ok !
And so, after only a week, we set back to work ,, ( well done that son )
Alas, the ink was very faint ,, the heads now needed cleaning !!
So we went thro' the procedure of cleaning, printing the test pattern, again, and again and again, and again .... getting better all the time UNTIL ,,, Oh Christ I don't believe it ,,, it's out of bloody ink again ,, and it refuses, again, to recognise the new cartridges as being its own !!
Bastard ,,, I dug out it's box from the loft ( you can substitute coffin here for I was now going to bury it !! ) ... I took it back to PC World and what d'you think ..... without even looking at it they gave me a brand new one ,, the updated model too ,,, with a "sorry for your trouble sir ",,,
No mention of it being open, used, labels missing etc ,,,
Now that's what I call service !

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I told you this would happen !

I haven't blogged for a while now so I just thought I'd better say something ,, lest all my fans start to despair !
I've nothing much new ,,, nothing I'm particularly angry about this week ,,
Well actually, truth be told I'm extremely angry ,, but that's a kinda "all the time thing" nowadays ,.,.
I'm really angry with the state of our country ,, if I could I'd emigrate ,, Yes I really would ,, probably Oz since you ask ,, they seem to still treat their country as THEIRS !!
Immigration is ridiculous here in the UK, completely out of hand ,,, these bloody eastern fundamentalist fanatics are taking over OUR country and we're letting them !! Doh ,,,
Where is today's Enoch Powell when we need him ?
Politics in general are absurd, the idiots & bloody do-gooders in Westminster ( & to a slightly lesser extent Holyrood too) don't listen to ( or hear ) what the PEOPLE are telling them ,..,
Similarly the law is an ass, schooling is hopeless, parenting is even worse; today's parents are afraid to reprimand or say NO and generally give their offspring little or NO GUIDANCE !
The ( Western ) world's financial institutions are a joke .,,. there's no way everything could possibly have gone belly-up all at once ,,, this nonsense is simply all down to the spivs, speculators & gamblers, ( again ) "PLAYING" with OUR money to make them a fast buck ,,,,
It's way past time proper RULES of ENGAGEMENT were put in place so these bastards can't bugger up the entire economy for the rest of us on a bet or a whim !
But rest assured some eagle-eyed "entrepreneur " will be making that fast buck out of the rest of our pain ? In fact I read just yesterday he's already made a killing .,,.., selling Tee Shirts with a picture of Karl Marx, with the words under the face ? See my blog title !!! Haha ...
Selling them faster than he can produce them ,, at £15 a go :)
You have to say, good luck to him ,, wish I'd thought it first !

Saturday, October 11, 2008

The Daughter Doesn't Do TV !

I've raised a strange one indeed .,,. perhaps even the pair !
The daughter has just done one of her Rants ,,, oh, sorry, I mean Blogs !!
It seems she has absolutely no time for Television ,, ( after that nice Logie-Baird chap spending so much of his time and energy inventing it too :) ) No appreciation some folk !
Her brother similarly seems to have little time for ACTUAL TV .,,. although he does use the big screen in his living room corner constantly ,,, however, in his case mainly for inane, banal, mind numbing Wii, Xbox, PS3 games etc, !
A strange pair indeed ,,,
I myself watch probably too much Television ,.,. and I would generally agree ,, much of it is utterly insulting to the intelligence ,, a constant barrage of Dumbing Down that has reduced our once great Nation to a now Moronic state ,, ( patently the DD TV is winning !! )
However, contrary to Phyllis' beliefs I feel I must say a word in Mr. Logie-Baird's defence. There IS some good TV still, if you just look for it and be very selective.
Some very informative, educational documentaries & stunning nature stuff .,,.
Real comedy ,, the kind that makes you laugh deeply from the belly and fall off your chair ,,,
and the most wonderful musical evenings are to be had ,, from rock to opera with everything in-between.
Programmes to let you visit the far corners of the world you might otherwise never see ,,
World news ( but definitely NOT the insular BBC of course )
The knack is indeed as the wise daughter says ,, to only switch on when there is something you REALLY want to see !
Now if we could all do that, the TV companies might finally get the message and start the pendulum moving again ... let's all join in and start our country Dumbing UP !

Monday, October 06, 2008

It's the way he tells them !!

For those of you who don't already know ,,, I'm quite keen on the odd game of golf !
In fact I'm currently a member of the Cowglen Seniors Group and on the Committee ,,,
Wee Club Secretary no less, and this year also Vice Captain, so I'm quite active !!
Last night we had the Captain over for dinner ( see, I'm a social climber too obviously ! )
Mein Capitaine, ( all salute here ) one James McNamee of the Royal Irish / American McNamees, commonly known to all who know & love him as "Smackmaknee" is something of an old codger !
Currently out of the game with a "bad back" Jim is missing many of his golf days ,,,
He was telling us all about his back problem last night over dinner ; seems this ailment just came about "out of the blue" ,,, ( and him a Celtic man ! ) no actual moment when he did the damage ,, just woke one morning with severe pain in his coccyx area ,, and we all know how painful a sore coccyx can be ( or kok-six as it's shown for pronunciation in the dictionary .,.,,. yeah, ok, I admit it ,, I had to spell check this one !! Ouch as they say !
Anyway he's a very fit 77-year old, generally in the best of health but over the years he has had his little moments .,,. so,
He also told us of the time when his "Prostrate" was giving him some problems ,,, ( and this was nothing to do with lying on a board to help the back ! ) He could only take his late wife into town once he had planned a route around the public loos, & on the golf course he navigated his ball via well kent trees !! He finally had to see the Doc. who sent him for examination at the local hospital. Lying on a table spreadeagled with a doctor and nurse gazing up his ,, eh manhood ,, another wee lassie holding his hand, for no anaesthetic is used in this procedure .,,. ouch again !
A tube / camera inserted he then explained they had taken a wee "Autopsy" from his bladder region and sent it off for analysis !!
Fortunately they found nothing worse than a couple of "stones in the bladder" which were quickly removed ,..,.,
He can now complete a full 18-holes of golf without the need to visit a single tree .,,.,
Strange then that he still hits the ball that way !!
In the same vein, the other members of our committee, all 9 of them in fact, have great difficulty with the new competition I organised for them last year ,.,.our Winter Eclectic .,.,
This is referred to variously each month as the Electric, the Ecelectric, the ecleptic, the ecalectic, you name it ,,, seems I'm the only one who's ever heard the bloody word !

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Well, I survived !

We've just had a long family weekend at CenterParcs ( it still offends me writing about this patently American joint ! It should of course read CENTRE PARKS UK ! )You know the place ,,, the forest in the Lake District where all the hidden log cabins are almost identical and all the activities are almost un-affordable !!
The place where drinks and food cost a bit of an arm & a bit of a leg as well !
The Cp marketing team seem to have thought up every possible way to screw as much out of every last customer as is humanly possible ,.,.
Take a family of say, 2-adults and four kids and let them try, say half a dozen activities each over the period and guess what ? ,,, Yeah you need to re-mortgage the house to pay for it all !!
Anyway it went remarkably well considering ,,, considering what you might ask ?
Well, there was a LOT of us ,,, 11 to be exact ! .,,. and being closly tied together for a longish period of time like this did have me a little concerned ,, I worried I might kill one ( or more ) of my beloved grandkids ?,,, or would I fall out with, or fall foul of, one of my beloved children or their spouses ? Would I take all my frustrations out on my dearly beloved wife and make her weekend a misery ?
Well amazingly No, on all counts ,,, the weekend went pretty well .,,. none these things happened ,, no disagreements, no hysteria, kids all had great fun ,, the most affordable activities seemed to keep the kids happy ,, ( the sub tropical pool complex is wonderful ,,, and FREE ! .,,. sadly the only freebie on site !! ,.,. well apart from the Baby Basketball !! )
And even the wife is still talking to me so ,,, a result I guess !
Maybe we'll do it again one day ,..,., ? or maybe not !!! :):):)

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Hey, It's me ,,, I'M Officially ... The Professional !

Me & the wee wuman went to a wedding on Friday .,.,
It was wan o' thon "duty" doos that ye generally don't really fancy but the bride's Maw & Da are oor pals so ,, whit kin ye dae ?
We went, naturally ,,, ( cost me a wee fortune as well, whit wi' a cheque tae the Bride & Groom and a brand new outfit fur 'erself .,,.
Aye, fae the drawers oot !
Whit aboot me yur askin' yersel ? Naw, I just shifted masel intae the same auld suit, shirt, tie, shoes ,, oh and ma Douglas soaks ! )
Aboot a day ,, mibbie two, afore the weddin', the Faither o' the Bride 'phoned us ,,,
Dae us a wee favour he says tae ma better hauf ,,, get Dougie tae bring his camera and take a few pictures fur us.
Och, Nae problem says she ,, he'd be bringin' it onyway ,, he'll want tae take a few fur us tae !

So along we go ,,,
It's all happening in the Glasgow Registry Office in posh Park Circus ..
A select number of the more "important" guests have been invited to witness the proceedings here in the Poash Hoose, you know, Brothers, Sisters, Mums, Dads, Granny ,, Best Man ,, Bridesmaid ,, the usual lot !
Oh aye, and us ,, me & the beloved !?
I wander into the place after the happy couple arrive, camera in hand, doing my thing !
The Registrar Lady approaches me as we go up the stairs to the chosen suite for today's extravaganza ! Ah, she says, you're the Official Photographer I believe ?
Who, me ? ,,, Naw, naw, naw, I'm just a family friend with a camera !
Oh, she says ,, I thought ,,,,,, Mmmmm ....
Well anyway, she says, when we get to the "I Do" room ,, I'll show you where you'll get the best vantage points for your photos ,,, ???? Oh thanks says I .,.,., So I'm all set ... "Here comes the Bride" music starts and there I am ,, at the ready ,, best position in the room !! Hey, wait a minute, me-suddenly-thinks ,,, where IS the Official Picture Taker for this do ??
Wee Jim, a brother of the Bride ( and hey what a misnomer that has turned out to be ! He's only gone & turned into Johnny Vegas since I last saw him ) is huddled in a corner with a tiny little hand held camcorder .,., doing his thing, one handed ! ...
so there's him ,, or there's ME !!

The Registrar wuman does her bit .,,. the happy couple are pronounced M & W ...
and I'm invited to photograph them signing the log-book ! ( Is this the first MOT I wonder ,,, Married on Time ? ) & then to come upstairs to the photo balcony !!
I'm still trying to come to terms with my role here when I sense I'm being shouted at ,,,
Can the Official Photographer please get up here ahead of the newlyweds .,,.,.
I'm still looking about me when I'm grabbed from behind by the self same Registrar ,,
C'mon she says ,, Upstairs ,, quickly ,,, Yvonne ( the Bride that is ) tells me ..
YOU ARE HER OFFICIAL PHOTOGRAPHER, and there you were, trying to kid me on that you weren't ,, !! Ha, she tells me, the Nikon gave you away !
Honest, that's how it all turned out .,., I was IT !! The Official Professional .,.,Gulp !!
Well after that what could I do ,.,.? I just got down to work .,.,.,
A Photo Album in my day was maybe 20 photos ,,
This one turned out some hours later, and with a full compliment of pals, work colleagues, neighbours etc, at the evening affair, to take shape at about 350 photos !!
All edited, enhanced, cropped, red-eye removed and burned onto discs ,,,,
by my able assistant, The Beloved ,..,,. and all supplied to the happy couple ( 4-copies please ) FREE of course !
That's how they do things in Clydebank obviously .,., but hey, did I mention ,,,
It turned out to be a brilliant day ,, great wedding, good dinner, loads of fun, dancing, singing, craic, and drinking of course ,, a fantastic DJ & late night Buffet for afters .,.,
Really glad we went. We had a ball !

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

It'll NEVER happen !

My wee Tuesday night drinking girlfriend, Connie, is very down at the mo'.
His beloved old Ssangyong Musso Jeep , involved in a recent mishap, (not of his making he insists !) has now finally been "written off " .,,. far too old at almost 7-years and with some 60,000 miles on board, to even be considered for a £4900 repair !! Ouch :( ,.., new doors required from dealers down South, wings etc, from far away Korea ? and heavy labour charges made it completely non viable to the Insurance Co.
The garage assessing the damage have told him the car will not be returned to him for it's now in an illegal state and cannot be driven ( although he's been driving it for nigh on 3-weeks since the accident ! ) They've also now sent an engineer from the garage to take back the courtesy car they had loaned him !
He removed all the parts near to his heart yesterday ( including his personal number plates ) and said a tearful goodbye to his old pal in the junk yard .,.,.,

Now here's the real rub !

He now has to get up at 6-30am to WALK to the station to get a train into town that gives him time to then WALK to his office .,,. and of course the whole reverse procedure at night .,,.,. and for this privilege he gets to pay the train company £5 PER DAY ! That's £25 a week or £100 a month ,,,
Now for that amount of petrol in the jeep ( which incidentally was a Gas Guzzler ) he could travel all month ANYWHERE and at a more suitable time of day !! ( remember this is a guy that REALLY likes his kip ! )
So this is the Government's idea of environmental awareness, carbon footprinting, saving the Planet ,, in practice ?
They want us to stop using the convenience of the car and instead use their brilliant new Public Transport system ,..,,.
at un-Godly, un-reliable hours and laughably ridiculous expense .,,. oh and sharing with mobile phone users, breakfast munchers and lap top junkies !
Aye that'll work .,,.,. NOT !
In politics, absurdity is not a handicap. - Napoleon Bonaparte

Monday, September 01, 2008

I've just experienced the Tesco Experience !

We, my lover wumin and me, went into Tesco today to buy some CHEESE !
A need for a wee selection of nice cheeses to nibble on prior to my next DIET was gnawing away at me .,,. I just had to have some ,,, I also thought ,, a few biscuits for cheese wouldn't go amiss.
Now a bit of cheese and a few biccies, you'd think, would hardly be beyond a pair of dottery old fools ? Well mibbies aye and mibbies naw ,..,
However, as always, we fell into the carefully set traps in this bloody Megasupermarketestablishment ,,
You know, you could actually spend your summer holidays in this place ,, it's such a bloody ENORMOUS EMPORIUM of Ultra Fine Goodies ...
Anyway we did comparatively well considering the temptations put in our way ,,,
We only added a few extra, really "necessary" items to our trolley !
A few quick meals, some bread, toiletries etc ,,, hellish little else really ,..,
There was the wine of course ,,, to go with the cheese :) ,, then we also needed some mixers ,, ( for the spirits, hic ! ) cokes, lemonades, tonics ,, that sort of thing ,, oh and our other National drink, Iron Bru ,.., Hey look, the Iron Bru people are giving away free glasses with every bottle ,.., we'll take a couple then !
We reach the check-out and find we have (again) racked up a wee bill of just £50.50p .,.,
Well there's a bit of luck says I, spying the "Spend £50 and get 5p a litre off your Petrol" offer that's back on !! As it happens I do need petrol ,, in fact I did say on the way in that I'd stop at the Filling Station on the way out .,., Very fortuitous then !
Not only that, for our bill we also get lots of Club Card points on our new Tesco Club Card !
We get back to the car .,,. me clutching my receipt to get my fillup at ONLY £1-09p less 5p per litre !! Herself has the detailed half of the receipt checking that we have received all the correct discounts .,,.,.
Whoa ! she shouts just as I'm about to drive off into the sunset .,.,., the buggers have charged us £1 each for the FREE Iron Bru tumblers !
So off she trots back to the Customer Service desk ,..,
"Oh dear" they tell her ,,"that offer is off now ,, please show us where you picked the glasses up" They wander off, the beloved and the customer service rep ...
"Oh jings, there's no notice telling you anything here" he tells the missus .,,. "this is a real mess ,.,.I'll need to talk to them about this "
"Here's your £2 back and for your bother ,, here's another two tumblers !"

Of course having this two pounds extra on our bill meant that our goodies were really only £48.50 .,,. a couple of quid SHORT of the necessary £50 to entitle the "cheap" petrol :)
I then filled up, with full rebate ,.,. only to be told by the garage attendant that my purchase also entitled me to a further 50 free points on my Tesco Club Card !
Don't you just love these people .,., Long Live the Tesco Experience !

Saturday, August 23, 2008

You never get rid of them really, do you ?

Hi-Ho, hi-ho, it's off to work I go ,,,,

The daughter and her new man ( well, truth be told, he's not so new anymore ,, a bit older ,, a bit less hair already ,,, but certainly no wiser ,, how could he possibly get any wiser ?? The boy is the living incarnation of Auguste Rodin's "Thinker" except that he does it in Blog !!
The poor guy is used maybe .,., instant multiple father figure & new dad ,,, help-ma-boab ,,.,. he's just a bit crazy ?
No, in fact, on reflection ,, far from wiser ,,, he's nearer to stupider, obviously !!
Oh I digress ,,,
are putting in a new kitchen !!
And the work really starts ,,, eh, today !

I tried to hide but they found me .,,. so it's like a Walt Disney dwarf that I now toddle off for my (first ?) day's work in the hell-hole that is the kitchen to be !!

Stand-by for work-a-day updates !! :(
Day 1 : Well we made some progress, but slow ,,,, the lad is such an obvious academic ,,, works & thinks at a pace that'll keep this job running 'till Xmas if I don't knock him into shape !
So tomorrow, we start earlier, I take my whip along, throw out his woman and child, hide his Lap-Top and we WORK 'till he drops !
Day 2 : Went very well today ( if still a bit on the slow side :o) ) ,, My "apprentice" you see, does seem to like to admire his accompishments as he goes along ! However, as I told him today ,,,
I will never criticise him again ,.,. he did such a (brilliant) nerdy thing today .,., I have to go back down and take some photos of this stuff ! ,,, He performed cut outs on various base units for plumbing pipe work, electrics etc, today ,,, all measured up and actioned with his jig-saw while the units werre lying in the living room ,,, & upside down to boot ,, and they were ALL ,, only bloody perfect !! Wow ,,, ( me, I would have had the units in situ and marked off what chunks needed cutting out there, to be sure I hadn't marked the wrong side or confused top for bottom etc ,,, )
We seem to be finished now for the time being ! I'm on an extended break.
Mon - Frid appears not to be work days .,.,.,
Now, if only my old company had worked this kind of week ,, I might not have gotten so bored with the whole deal !!
More news come Sat. I guess ?
Friday all day I was at a friend's wedding ,.,.., so ,..,,. I started kinda late Sat .,,. Eh, about 3pm !
Sat. went pretty well just the same ,,,, we now have all the work tops cut to size and the sink cut out done and the sink fits !!
Sun we started at 9.30am .,., This of course was my punishment for turning up late Sat !!
Sun went very well too ,,, we have now built and fitted the wall units at the opposite end of the kitchen and built & fitted the large Pantry .., space is now cleared ready for delivery of the big cooker tomorrow ,,,
Very much broken the back of the job now .,,. still lots to do but all smaller, more manageable jobs ,, fitting doors, skirtings cornices, handles ,,, etc ,, after we build & fit the last couple of wall & floor cupboards ! Oh and we still have to fit and fix the work tops ,, and sink, taps, etc
Next weekend might / will ,,,, hopefully get it up & running ????
Then it's plumb in the water, gas ,,, and we're off & running ,,,
Then next we have to re work the whole of the old kitchen room and make it into a family sitting/TV room !!! That involves, plastering, boxing in redundant ( but feed ) pipework, gas piping ,,, painting, wallpapering ,, moving furniture & on & on & on ,,,
Think I need my bed now .,.,., Zzzzzzzz

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I got there first !

Here's a wee cracker from this weekend's newpaper ....
My wife found it whilst reading the Sunday paper online ,, but alas she is NOT a Blogger.
My daughter & I are therefore racing to see who Blogs the story first !
Since I see no mention of it on her Blog site tosmorning I hereby claim outright victory !!
With apologies of course to the deceased's family, but even they saw the funny side of this silly tale ?

Bungling council sends bizarre letter to OAP (after she passes away ! )
Aug 17 2008 By Fariha Karim

BLUNDERING bureaucrats wrote to a pensioner to tell her she was off a housing waiting list ... because she was dead !
And incredibly, deceased Isa Thomson was invited to appeal against the decision.
Her devastated relatives were furious at the letter - sent just three weeks after she died of septicaemia.
Council service manager Jamie Pettigrew wrote:
"I write to advise you that your application for housing has been withdrawn from the housing waiting list. "The reason for this decision is : deceased.
"If you wish to appeal against this decision you should do so in writing to the service manager at the above address."
The letter was the fourth sent to Isa, of Coatbridge, by North Lanarkshire Council since they were told of the 70-year-old's death. It was opened by her sister Christine Smith, 65.
Christine, of Carmyle, Glasgow, said: "Getting these letters brought everything back again.
"I was trying to deal with so much as it is, like clearing out our family home where Isa had lived for 49 years.
"But when I got the last letter I just couldn't believe it.
"How can they expect her to appeal against it when they know she's dead ?
"It's stupid, asking a dead person if they want to appeal against a decision. Then I started to laugh. You've got to see the funny side of it."
Christine's son Gordon, 43, of Easterhouse, Glasgow, added: "Within days of my aunt's death, my mum went up to the council with a copy of the death certificate.
"Two days later the council sent a letter to my aunt but that was OK because they had only just been told.
"None-the less, we reminded them. Then followed a second letter addressed to my aunt. The council apologised but a few days later they sent a third one about unpaid rent.
"Once again, we reminded them but it made no difference.
"The fourth letter topped the lot. Writing to a dead person is stupid enough but then asking for a reply - I think it's disgraceful."
Pettigrew, who signed the letter personally, said yesterday: "This letter was automatically generated for our records after we received notice to cancel the application.
"It was wrongly sent out due to the high volume of letters produced that day and we have taken steps to make sure it does not happen again.
"We will contact the family to offer our full and sincere apologies for any upset caused."

Oh the joys of Bureaucracy :)

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Updates on the the Orange Wall, Sony Ericsson, the Google Barrier & the War !

On the ORANGE front ,.,. Total SUCCESS !!
Mrs. Beloved now has her money back in the bank ,..,.,
and Schhhhh ,,, they seem to have left it on her 'phone as well !
I'm done complaining to these people, I'm just tired of the whole saga,
so we'll just have to live with this extra cash on the 'phone I guess !! :o)
On my Mobile 'Phone front .,.,,. Hahahaha, No SUCCESS at all !!
Well strictly speaking that's not altogether true .,,.,. I'VE managed to put Jim Murray in his place ! But it turned out to be a long and tortuous road which I had to navigate alone !
I tried again & again to make JIM see reason .,., but nope, he fancied Joycie & that was his last word on the affair !!
I made him FRED and in he went (correctly) immediately following Frank !
Ahh some success I thought ,.,. a mere glitch ,, I deleted Murray ,, in all his guises ( Jim, Fred ,, oh and Adam !! )
Next I went into the SIM card record ,,, there he was again ,, still intent on chasing wee Joycie's bum !! I dumped him outta there too .,,.
Now, I figured ,,, starting anew, with no Mr. Murray anywhere on record, he'll go stand in line where he should be ?
Bastard ! He's back chasing Joycie's tail again ,, What a little bugger he is ( literally ? )
So now I was ANGRY ,,,
I took the offending thing into the Mobile 'Phone shop, to "an expert" to look over !
This guy said he knew ALL about mobiles .,., He laughed when I told him mine had managed to misplace it's alphabet memory ! "Ha, Not possible sir", he assured me ,,, "Let me have a quick look at it and I'll sort it for you", he said, smugly !
It took him less than 5-minutes to conclude ,.,..,
"Ah, Oh, Eh, I've never seen that fault before ,, Can I interest you in a new 'phone .,,. sir "
Not so bloody smug now, are you, ya wee shit ?
Incidentally, I also decided to reverse the source of the problem whilst trying to solve this dilemma .,,. instead of saving my contacts by FIRST name, I punched the button to save them by SURNAME .,,.,. This function is also U/S on my 'phone !!.,,.??
Next I complained to Amanda that she had passed on yet another DUFF mobile in my direction !! Told her that she couldn't possibly have her new 'phone for another 18-months now,,
I'd have gone stark staring by then ! Amanda did suggest, in the nicest possible fashion, bless her, that maybe, just maybe, it could be the operator and not the 'phone that was duff ??
Now there's something I hadn't given a thought to !!
However, my son, the font of all knowledge, gadget, gidget and assorted electronic toys wise was equally baffled .,., "That's very odd", he said ,.,. I've never seen that fault before !"
Christ, if the Law ever gets too much for him he could get a job in "Fones 4 Us "
I went home ,, in something of a huff I have to say ,,, No bugger gives a toss about my faulty 'phone I concluded !
I'll fix the damned thing I told myself ! That'll show them !
So, after much trial & tribulation ,, Haha, I HAVE !!
For those of you who might find a similar glitch on your own (now cursed, all of you who laughed ,, and YOU know who you are ! ) mobiles someday ,,,,
You need to change JIMs to Jas, then enter all the details, then edit to James, and enter all the details again .,., James will go into his proper slot in the alphabet ,,,, Oh yes he will ! ,..,.,
Then next you need to EDIT the James' back to Jim .,,. and then save ,,,
Voila !! .,,.
He'll then get off your Joycie's tail !
The End !!
What ? you don't believe me ? Just try it ,,,
Any new Jims I enter (Oops !) still get after Joycie's arse ,, ( it must be the smell or something that attracts them ? ) and I have to go thro' the above procedure to fix them !

Now the Google Barrier .,.,., Still working on this one I'm afraid ,,, These swine won't answer ANY kind of communication whatsoever ,..,,. YET !
So, I've now complained to the BBC's WATCHDOG !!
Tune in sometime and watch Google getting taken to task ,,,, MIBBIE ?

Oh and lastly, my new font ?
It's Georgia, to show my solidarity stand with these good people against their Russian invaders ! So let that be a lesson to these Reds !!

Friday, August 15, 2008

What a Lotto Luck we have !

It's happened again !
Both the beloved & me have won the Lotto in the same week !
Again we had ALL six numbers ...
Again she had 4 of them and I had 3, one duplicated :)
Again we just missed the £1.7M jackpot ,,,,
She picked up a massive £22 and me ,,, the usual old Tenner !
Of course we half everything so my winnings just went up to £16 !!
One of these bloody days ?

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I have a problem ... HELP !

So, there I was ,, entering some "new contacts" on my Sony Ericsson Mobile 'phone last night ,.,..,
OK, Not rocket science you might think ? Mmmmm ,, Well think again my friend !
I entered umpteen new "golf contacts" .,., no problems ,, all went in exactly where they should go ,,, alphabetically ,,, EXCEPT ONE !!
I entered one, Jim Murray ,, and no matter how I did it he ended up incorrectly alphabetisized / alphabeticalised ?( surely even in America that just can't be a word ! ) coming in AFTER all the Jims, Joes, Johns and finally showing up AFTER Joyce ???? Eh ? ,,, How come ?
I've tried deleting him ,, re entering him ( if you'll pardon the expression !) but to no avail ,,
he wants to follow Joycie no matter where I want him ,,
I switched the damn thing off, pulled the battery to reset any possible GLITCH ,,,
Bloody Jim Murray still wants to follow Joycie ?
I changed him to FRED Murray and he behaved impeccably ,.., he jumped in immediately after the Franks ! Good man !
I then edited him ,,, re christened him Jim and wallop ,, he's off again after Joycie !
What's happening ?
Can anyone help fix this problem before I go stark staring bonkers ?
For now, Mr. Murray must remain a NON person for I simply won't allow him anywhere near my cute wee pal Joycie !

Sunday, August 10, 2008

A new idea for a Pixar movie ?

Good Morning Diary !
Nothing much on my mind tosmorning so I'll let you into a thought I had the other day ,..,,.
I was on the golf course, strangly enough ! :0) ...
I'm walking up the notorious Cowglen "Cardiac Hill" between the 4th. green & 5th. tee .,., a veritable painter's pallet of colour at this time of year, and just after heavy rain, it's beautiful. I'm just looking at the awesome summer growth of wild flowers, ferns, heathers, bushes, trees, when suddenly it strikes me !
I don't know why but Flick suddenly leapt to mind .,., you know, the wee Ant guy from the movie "A Bug's Life" was running around at my feet ,,.,.,., I started hearing all the different flowers talking to one other ,.., I immediately saw all the families .,.,.,
Those growing together on the same stem ,.., siblings obviously,, ( older brothers & sisters naturally at the top ) looking out and reporting back to the younger ones all the way down to the babies at the bottom ,,, mummies, daddies, aunties & uncles all around ,,, neighbours and strangers further away ,,,
Different species of flowers became foreigners who had moved in ! Nae Black Orchids that I could see ,, Aye ok, I know, I'm paranoid !!
Ants, birds, bumble bees, wasps, butterflies, bluebottles, flies, crickets, worms, all kinds of visitors ( even golfers stopping to pee !! ) coming & going ,,,
Then the craic started .,,. I actually heard all the different voices and the chatter going on was instantly fabulous ,,, and so funny ,.., the stuff flowers talk about .,., hahaha !!
I stopped ,,, pretended to need a pee just so's I could listen in a bit longer ,..,
I'm thinking of writing the screen play ? What d'you think ??? Could it sustain a movie audience for an hour or so ? I'm sure it could certainly become a classic Pixar Short !! I just know the graphics guys could work wonders into it.
My only worry for a Big Movie ,, ,, the setting ,.,. it could be a bit static ,.., I mean, flowers don't do a lot of running around ??
I even came up with the title right there on the spot !
It'll be called "Dougie Buchanan's Secret Life of Plants " .,.,,. ( )
Shit ! ,,, it's already been done ,,, but hey, NOT the fun version !!
'Course I might need to give Stevie Wonder a wee mention !!
But then you knew that of course, with my reference to the Black Orchid, didn't you ? You didn't really think I was being racist now did you ???

Friday, August 08, 2008

My preference would be the head-sized oven !

I've said it before & no doubt will again ,,, but these bloody Soap Operas have much to answer for. I came in last night as the beloved was watching Eastenders !
It was bedlam in the corner of my living room !
Do the writers of this stuff really think we all live this way ; in constant argument, screaming at one another, cheating, scheming to hurt others, never ever smiling ??? This kind of rubbish, and other programmes of the same ilk, is, to a large extent, responsible for the current state of the youth culture in Britain today and should be taken off the air immediately.
If John Logie Baird could have seen into the future would he have continued with his TV invention I wonder ,,,
or would he have invented the head size oven instead perhaps ?

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

The Complete Business Manual 2008

This is obviously the new world way to run a business ,,,,
Christ, if only we'd had this procedure in place when I was working ,,,
What "gay" days we could have had ,.,.,. fun, fun, fun .,,. multi million pound ( or Dollar ) profits ,.., and no customer contact whatsoever. Absolutely brilliant in its concept .,., and so simple to achieve .,.,., why didn't we think of it ?
A total "customer free zone" was something we always dreamed of ,.,. but in my day we actually aimed for a totally satisfied and happy customer ,, with his every whim realised !
Ipsofacto, no problems to be resolved.

Today's businessman has changed things round a little ,.,. almost straight out the pages of the Party Political Handbook for Beginners, they now aim for total customer free zones with therefore absolutely no problems to deal with. If a customer should actually get through ,,, hang up on him ! Jesus how bloody clever is that ? It's Brilliant ,,

Take Orange for example : If I could contact the bastards I'd take them all right .,.,,. all the way to bloody Court !
Here's how they've got up my nose ! So far up in fact that they're coming out the top !
My wife decided to Top-Up her mobile ,.,. A simple task you might think ?
She decided to do it by dialling the 'phone's own Top-Up service.
I'd like to add £10 to my account she fingered into her 'phone's buttons ,,,
Oops, we have a "Communication Failure" Orange told her ,,, "please try again " So she did !!
Now at this point I would advise any would-be topper-upper to .... BEWARE !!
She tried again .,,.,.,. Wooops .,,. here we go again ,..,., Com-fail ,, please try again ! ( so courteous too ... )
And again ,, and again .,,. Then Ahhhhhh ,,,, all is finally well .,,.,. at attempt #5 the oh so pleasant ORANGE told her she had now successfully topped up her mobile by the required £10.
Ha, ye bloody think ??
An hour or two later she received a call from a proper customer orientated company ; our Visa card Bank, Egg ,,, "We're just checking Mrs. B ,,, there's been some very peculiar activity on your credit card ,, did you authorise 5 -payments of £10 to the same company earlier tonight ?" Mmmmm ,, turns out of course that ORANGE only had a Com Failure at their end ,, from ours they managed to take the tenner off the card each time !

Now mistakes happen of course ,,, it's not the end of the world really ,, so we call their 450 line ( at 25p a go !) to ask them to re-imburse our card to the tune of £40 .,.,., we call them once ,,, they say that even although our bank knows it, and our phone registers it, their call centre in India can only see £20 having been topped up !! Please give us 24-hours 'till our system catches up, and we'll call you back they say !!
And shit ! what dummies we've become ,, we believe them !
They didn't of course .,., so 48-hours later we call the sub continent again .,,. they still see only £20 ,,, but of course Mr. B ,, we WILL re-imburse your card ,,, can you just wait 1-minute and talk to my "SUPERWISER " ,,, yeah that's with a W .,.,., certainly wiser than me ,,, for there I was waiting ,,, one minute ,, then two ,, then 10 ,,, then 20 ,,, "Bastards !" I shout down the ,by now, red hot 'phone, but no one was listening ,,, they were OFF ,,, having their fun, fun, fun .,,.,. Customers, what customers ??
I even did it all over again ,, ( that's a 3rd. 25p ,,,, which I also now insist be re-imbursed ! ) and went through the whole saga with a 3rd. Indian ,,, I've heard about as many of them now as Custer did at the Little Big Horn !!
Needless to say my wife still has the errant £50 on her 'phone and NOTHING back in her bank !!
Now I refuse to go through this shit again so I decide there & then ,,, I'll give them an earful by email ,.., Ah, ye bloody think ? You just try finding an email ,, a Contact Us or any other method of reaching these buggers via the written word .,,. I'll make it easy for you .,.,,. YOU CAN'T !!

So there you now have it ,, The Complete Business Manual 2008 .,,.
Don't deal with customers ,, don't resolve their problems ,, and for Christ's sake don't let them ever find a way to contact you ,.,.
Pure Fuckin' Dead Brilliant ,.,. No ? I take my hat off to them .,.,,. I really do ,,,
However ,,, I WILL have them !! They have ORANGE SHOPS .,., and you better believe ,, you wouldn't want to work in one of them this week !!

Jesus H. Christ ,,, Now Google are at it too ,,,,
I have a complaint ,, a nuisance happening every few days with my iGoogle customised home page .,., I wanted to ask them why it keeps changing ,,, reverting back to some standard London based home page every couple of days ,, a page that I really don't want.
This requires me each time to have to re-sign in with username, password etc ,,
Like I said, a bloody nuisance but no more ,.,.,..,

Now I find that Google too operate their business using the aforementioned Complete Business Manual 2008 ,.,. There is simply NO WAY TO CONTACT THESE PEOPLE to ask a simple question ,.,.,. go on, try it for yourself ,,, it's impossible ,, and the lengths they go to, to avoid giving you an email / contact us, is quite mind boggling !!
What a world we now live in when you can't even vent your spleen when companies upset you !
It's enough to give us oldies a heart attack ,.,.,. in fact if I should get my blood pressure to a point in the near future when I do myself some damage I want my children to pursue a case of Manslaughter againt these bastards .,.,,.
However, I DON'T want my wife involved in this acion, lest she suffers the same fate !!
Anyway, I'll let you know when I finally crack the Google Barrier ,.,. and knock down the Orange Wall ,.., for believe me ,, I BLOODY WILL !!

( if it's the last thing I ever do ! ) )

Monday, July 28, 2008

A Disaster has occurred !

It seems, that at the ripe ( some might say over-ripe ) old age of eh, ahuh ,,, well let's just say old enough to be a 5-times grandpa .,,.,. Arghhhhhhhhh ,,, am I really ????
I have now, for the first time in my life ,,, EVER ,,, developed bloody Hay Fever, seemingly !!
How the hell has that come about I ask myself ??
My nose has been streaming all day today (again !) ; it did the same yestertime and all the while I was sneezing and feeling completely miserable ! ( I mean, even more miserable than normal ! )
I can barely keep my eyes open ,, they too are streaming constantly ,,
What is this dreadful ailment and more importantly what is the cure ?
I hear talk of an Anti Histamine but I didn't even know I had another auntie ...
If anyone can shed light on why I have suddenly become afflicted I'd appreciate their help ....
Answers on a Post Card please ,,,, and hopefully a fast one ,,, I need the CURE before tomorrow morning at 9.30am when I'm due to tee off !!
PS : Could it simply be the sun-tan cream ,.., It seems to melt in the heat and run into my eyes ,,? Maybe tomorrow I'll try sun block below the eyes only !!
HELP !!!!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Do you people know who I am !?

Heard a wee story the other day ,.,. in fact it was my son who told it to me, and he's a lawyer ,, an honest man ,, so it MUST be true ?
It was about Kirk Douglas' other ,, not so well known son ,.., Don't remember his name but not Michael .,.,,. Anyway this guy is ( or maybe was ? ) a stand-up comedien ,..,
Apparently one night doing a gig he was being heckled badly ,,, let's just say his audience weren't being kind to the boy ! He was, in fact, as the old time grease paint comics might say ,, dying on his feet ! Akin to a new act at the old Glasgow Empire !
He seemingly got so exasperated that he grabbed the mike out of it's stand and walking right up to the edge of the stage he shouted at them ,,,
"Do you people know who I am ?" ,.., Silence at last ..
"I am KIRK DOUGLAS' son" he told them .... the silence grew almost tangible until at last one guy got to his feet and shouted back ,,,
NO, I'm KIRK DOUGLAS' son ,,,, great laughter ensued all round the house ,,
Another audience member jumped up at the opposite side of the house ,,,
NO, I'm KIRK DOUGLAS' son ,,, then another, and another ,, until within 2-minutes the whole hall was in uproar with hundreds of guys on their feet claiming to be the great man's son ,,,
The young would-be stand-up comic simply walked off and never returned !
True ?? Who knows ,, but funny ,,,, It sure tickled my fancy ! How about yours ?

Monday, July 14, 2008

Preparing to go !

You have to ask yourself ,,, Is it really worth it ??
It's been all hassle here and in my son & daughter-in-law's house for the past few days ,,, and all we're doing is driving down the road a couple of hundred miles for a short holiday break !
First it was the booking ,,,, then it was the site ,,, CenterParcs ,.., is it any good, what do other people think of it ?,, checking out the online comments and listening to friends .,,.
"Oh, the place is wonderful ( for kids ! ) but don't eat in ANY of the on site restauants ,, take good hiking shoes ! ,.,.,. don't hire their bikes ( very poor condition ,, ) ,,, everything COSTS an arm & a leg !! ",.,.,.
Then the girls decided to buy a week's meals in the Supermarket ,,, here ! ,.., before we left ?
Are there no supermarkets in England I muse ?? Why are we carrying all this food ? & drink, of course ?? I mean ,, we're even taking our own Scottish limes & lemons for the Gin ( That's English Gin btw !! )
"Remember to pack swimming trunks to go in the fun pool with Gordy ,,, get some cash" ( again ... it seems England has slipped into 3rd. world status ,, now they have no bloody Banks ! ) "Watch you don't get Scottish bank notes ,, they might refuse to take them ,,,
Aye right ! They'll take them or they'll get bugger all !"
"Did you pack a book to read ? ,,, a weatherproof jacket ?,,, your shaver ,,, ? the camera ,, phone charger ,,, & on & on ,,, " I'm knackered & we haven't moved out the street yet !
Christ it's a weeeek ,,, I can grow a bloody beard if it all goes pear shaped & I forget a shaver ..
Hahaha ,,, Derek & Amanda bought me a new tee shirt for my holiday ,,,
It's a Mr. GRUMPY !!
Oops ,,, time to shut up and go enjoy !!!!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Women can be such Fusses !

She just got onto me again !
Telling me how bloody stupid I was !! ( Ha, as if I didn't know that already ....)
She brought some chocolate bars in from the fridge in the garage and confronted me with them ,,,
I used to eat the odd peanut choc bar ( Marathon ... before they became the truly awful Snicker ?) or a Mars during a round of golf ,, but more importantly I used to always keep a couple in my golf bag to ensure my old pal Jim Russell didn't suffer a hypo half way round the course ,,, Jim was diabetic & sometimes a lack of sugar would hit him like an errant golf ball .,,.
at these times he needed an urgent sugar fix ,,, and what better than a Marathon or Mars ?
Sadly Jim died ,,, over a year ago now.
So what was so wrong with me having a few chocy bars secreted away in the fridge you might wonder ,,?
Aye Ok, so I'm on a sometimes Atkins diet ,,, and I don't often take one out on the course with me anymore ,,
Although I did like the thought that they were there if I took a wee notion !
However she did have a point I suppose .,,.
The sell by date on them was passed ,,, a little on the wrong side of fresh ,,,
Eh, ok, I finally conceded ,, bin them then if you must my dear ,,,
But I really don't see what can go out of date on a bit of chocolate and some peanuts !!
Ok, so June 2004 wasn't exactly yesterday ,,, but ,,,

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Wot a lot I've got !!

This morning ,,, or in Lotsie speak, tosmorning ,, or yestertime even ... I was browsing !
Not the net as some might, but all my own old files ,,,
My Documents, my Stationery, my Clipart, my photos ,,, my everydamnthing ,,
and have I got some really good STUFF ! ?
Ha, look at some of this ... it's brilliant ..

Sadly not all the animation is working here ,,,
Mr. Bean is really something to see !!
Anyway I have hundreds more of these almost forgotten stationeries so stand-by for more exciting emails !

Saturday, July 05, 2008

I'm surrounded by them these days !

NERDS that is ,,,The son is a complete gadget & gizmo freak .,., buys every damn kind of new modern electronic ( or is even that word now old hat ? ) PC gadget to play games with ,.,.,. he even has a gyroscope ball thing to strengthen his arms ! ... a nerd of the first order !

The daughter left one ,,,, but found another ! ,, and an even worse case to boot ! And what has he done for her ??? Apart from making her laugh again ,,, bringing her sublime happiness ,,, ?
Why he's actually turning her into one too :(

This one speaks so many foreign languages it's obscene ,,, and wait for this ,,, he keeps a note of his American Express card Pin number written down in his wallet, in Georgian !! ... but in case anyone finding it or stealing it reads Georgian, he's encrypted it into Japanese !!!! Hahaha
He believes it might be just a tad unlikely for the average Glesca pick-pocket to speak both Georgian and Japanese !!
I have to listen to this shite on a daily basis ,,, and I'm trying hard not to seem like an uncontrolable giggling idiot for he's also a splendid chef and does a pretty mean BBQ !!

But how is he turning my daughter into a nerd too you ask ??
Well she called me tosmorning, thrilled skinny, because he had bought her ( and paid money for it ! ) wait for it ..... her very own WEB SITE !!
Eh ??? Is it me ??

I think mibbie it's getting near the time when I need to shuffle off this mortal coil :)

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Only a Golfer would understand !

After you read my tale below, I don’t ever want to talk about this again !!
I’m so angry with myself this morning ,,,
It’s kept me awake half the bloody night !
In fact I’ve been very angry with myself since precisely 9-05am yesterday morning !
At 9-00am Wed. 2nd. July, whilst competing in the Cowglen Seniors Open I drove off at the 4th. hole.
Holes 1, 2 & 3 had been steady if not spectacular ,,, 5,5,5 ,,, an ok start. ( not quite like the day before of course, when I started my practice round with 4,4,4, ,,, and another 4 to follow that at this damned 4th hole ! ,,,, 4 straight pars ! )
My normal drive at the 4th. would generally take me up the hill, centrally on the fairway, with an easy 8 or 9 iron onto the green ,,,,
This being the Open of course, I sliced my ball and off it went, rolling all the way down the hill into the heavy rough close to the out-of-bounds wall ,,,
After a short hunt one of my playing partners located my ball ,,,, it was two feet into the rough in long grass ,, about knee high grass !,,,
A lift & drop, within two club lengths, out into the semi rough never entered my head .,., a single penalty stroke would have seen me in a position to certainly chip back out onto the fairway and thence onto the green in 4 .,,., all night long I’ve dreamt about doing it that way !! But instead I lashed at it ,,, I put it deeper into the same long grass a mere 2 feet from it’s original position !
Did I stop and think then ,,, DOH ,,, NO !!
I lashed at it again ,,, out it came this time ,, right behind the big bush ,,, 15-yards I’d moved it with these two errant strokes .,,. Did I learn anything this time ,,, ??
Eh, no ,,, The Dummy just HAD to go for the green, didn’t I ,, from this impossible position ,.,. naturally I didn’t make it ,,, instead I ended up behind the very big tree on the right side ,, just back from the burn ,,
Absolutely no way to get the ball up in the air from right under this tree’s overhanging branches ,,, so I manufactured a low punch & run ,, hoping to get the ball to bounce over said burn and onto the green in what would then be 5 ,, all wasn’t lost yet ,,,
Well I managed not to go into the burn ,, but stopped hopelessly short of the green on the steep slope ,, stupidly putted up ( rather than use my magic chipper ) ,, well short of the pin ,,, in fact barely on the green ,,, followed then by a very poor putt to some 6 – 7 feet away ,,, Did I sink this tiddler ,,,
Arghhhhhh ,, no, it took two more putts and it was all over ,,, the 4th. and my Open Championship !
I haven’t had a 9 at that hole in ten years ,, 4, or at times 5 ,,, on a really bad day I may have had a 6 ,,, but 9 ,,, Jesus ,, where did that come from ?
Obviously I’ve been bad in some previous life ??

After that I just relaxed and played my normal game ,, Reached the turn in 45 ( yeah, with that 9 still on my card & in my mind ! )
However I had a better inward 9 coming home in 38 with a magic TWO at the 12th. ( well I thought, at least I’ll make a few quid on that, for there were two to three hundred entrants, all putting a pound into the Two’s kitty.
Finished score a net 67 ,,, not bad considering ?
However I also had a really daft 5 at the par 3, 16th ,,, after landing my tee shot a mere 10-yards from the flag, just off the green on the left side.

An hour later I’m in the clubhouse and in the lead !! Whit ??
The first 10 or 12 games are in, and the only two sub 70 scores are my 67 and wee Joe Sawyers, another Cowglen senior, with a 68 !!
What’s going on, I ask myself ?? Another dozen cards are returned ,,, all 70 odds ,, 80’s even !
OK, so the course was set up as long as I’ve ever seen it ,,, all the yellow tees were set right back as far as they’d go ,,, virtually the medal course in fact ,, best suited to the big hitters ,,, a real trial for the higher handicap older guys ,, but c’mon ,,, surely a 67 isn’t going anywhere near the winning post ?? Is it ??

Well believe it or not ,,, 4 - 5 hours later & only the last two games were still out ,, at 17 & 18 respectively and yours truly is STILL the clubhouse leader ,,, ( and incidentally only two other two’s have been recorded !! Yo ! )
Then it happened ,,, Bugger me ! ( if you’ll all pardon my somewhat sexually explicit French ) ,,, the very last three ball came in ,, two 69’s and a bloody winning 64 ,,
Arghhhh shit ! ( sorry I mean Merdé )

So a bad day ended with a 2nd place overall cheque for £50 ,,, a First place in my age class 6- crystal glasses and a still to be declared share of the Two’s kitty !!
Hey, life’s not at all bad really is it ??
But in my nightmare that 9 is always reduced to a bad six and the daft 5 to four ,,,
& there I am ,, 63 ,,, The Winner & cleaning up the whole kitty ,, the lot !!
Ah well, next year I’ll take the penalty drop !!
Footnote : It just had to be didn't it ?
Out again the next day and what did I shoot at that 4th. ?
Yep, you guessed it ,,, only a bloody brilliant birdie 3 !!
They say suicide is painless, don't they ???

PS : Another wee tale !
It was a sunny morning ...
A little before 8:00 am ...
On the first hole of a busy course ...
And I was beginning my pre-shot routine ...
visualizing my upcoming shot
When a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loud speaker ...
'Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please !'

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me.
I was still deep in my routine ...
Seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement .
'Would the man on the woman's tee kindly back up to the men's tee.'

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating ...
When once more ...
the man yelled ...
'Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee ...
Please ! '

I finally stopped ...
Turned, cupped my hands and shouted back
'Would the ass hole with the microphone
Please be quiet
and let me play my second shot.'
Thank-you !!