Friday, September 21, 2007

I guess it's 'cause Funerals Suck ?

Went to yet another friend's funeral yesterday.

Not too close a friend but a friend nonetheless ,,, one I've partnered to victory on the golf course, so close enough ?

We get all dressed up ,,, like he would have cared whether we wore suits with dress shirts, club or black ties, freshly polished black shoes or not ?
This was wee John McGraw, a wee, man's man ,, he wouldn't have given a shit if we'd all turned up in dungarees .,,. but I'm sure he would have been pleased to see that we did turn up ! A bit embarrassed maybe ,, but quietly chuffed.

We arrived early ,,, can't be late for the last hurrah ? We sat in the car, Smackmaknee & me, and watched them coming ,.,. they arrived in dribs & drabs ,, they got out of their cars, they chatted, they smoked, they hugged, they laughed ,,, yep, they bloody laugh all the time at funerals ,, it's obscene ,, no it's not really,,, it's a cover for their grief isn't it ? ,, a peculiarly Scottish thing I wonder ?? They smoke some more, them that all know of wee John's lung cancer, his emphysema and finally his heart attack ,.,. all smoking related ,.,.,. but they don't care ,, or think ? or maybe they just don't care to think ??

We're still sitting in the car as they all make their way to the queue for the chapel ,.,.,.
We better get ourselves out there too ,,,,

Oh Hi Jim, hello Tom ,,, aye Dougie, here we go again ,,, nice day for it ,,, and on & on .,,.the small talk.

We pass wee John himself ,, lying there in that coffin in the back of such a Limo as he would never have been in alive .,,. what a pity the wee man couldn't at least have enjoyed this last wee bit of affluence, luxury ,.,.,. neither him nor the wee wife, for didn't she drop down dead with a heart attack of her own only 3 months past ,,, brought on by being John's full time carer they say ?

Then we're in the chapel seats ,, must be 200/230 friends and family here ,, a good turn out for a quiet, wee, ordinary guy ,.,. Eva Cassidy sings "Somewhere over the Rainbow " as we sit down ,,
The wee man makes his entrance, carried on the shoulders of six of his closest family, friends ,.,. His daughter is near hysterical in her grief ,, great howling tears flood her face ,,, her man cuddles her close ,,
We have a bit of a chat from the "Human Society" female ,,, this is to be a non Church, non Chapel, completely non religious affair. She tells us as much as she's learned in the last two days about our friend !! Then we sit for a few minutes and listen to "Moon River" by Danny Williams for Christ's sake ! ,.,. A wee special poignant poem from one of his granddaughters and next thing we know we're being ushered out again ,, Tony Bennett starts to sing about the loveliness of Paris ,,, and losing his heart in San Francisco ,.,.,. was wee John ever there I wonder ? The recording sticks and repeats ,, and sticks & spins too fast ( Tony on Helium ! ) ,, and is finally silenced before the family even clear the premises !!

Then we're all back at Cowglen ,, now the laughter just cascades through the lounge ,, the drink flows, the jokes are told ,, the stories of days gone by ,, with or without the leading man having played a part ! It's such an absurd ritual ,, we have the free drink to/from the wee man ,,, we have soup and steak pie ,, (or fish of course !),, we spend an hour or two laughing, giggling, telling jokes, eating, drinking, just being there ,,,, but in the end ,,, he's gone ,, we're gone ,,
What is/was it all about ???
I guess for me Funerals just Suck.

Some Sensible Argument for Thomas !

Because there are a lot of loonies like me in Scotland ,,, baying for the blood of any Englishman and total FREEDOM there was a recent short debate on what we might call an "Independent Scottish Currency" ,,,,,,,,

ok, you've got the scene ,,,,,,,, here he goes then. ( one of my favourite writers, Tom Shields )

" One suggestion was the Mickle, with 1314 mickles making one Muckle !

The muckle would float or sink with the Irish punt but certainly not be associated in any way with the English pound.

There was also strong support for a National name for the currency.

As the French do with their Franc ,,,, ours could be the Jock !

A jock would consist of 100 we’ans, and 10 jocks would be a Tamson, made up of 1000 of his we’ans " ,,, and so on ?

The man's a little off the planet at times, but very witty with it ,,,,,

And never a mention of TIME !!

Monday, September 10, 2007

Stingy Employers

The Long Service Awards.
I must tell you about my company awards for long service ,,,,,,,, no ? Oh yes you’ve got to hear this …. How well we were treated for hard work and loyalty by our American multi-billionaire ( yes billion-aire ) owner.
Christ, it's a hoot ( if it wasn't such a bloody miserable gift )
We { the guys } got a small gold tie pin ............. but not until 10 years at the grind stone had been completed !
Yep , a bloody miserable tie pin ,,,,,, at 10 years it was a plain gold tie pin with MSA 10 engraved on it. At 15 years you got your next award ….. would you believe, it's another bloody tie pin, but this time with a small [very bloody small indeed] diamond in it. * This is about twice actual size !!
Oh, and, the obligatory “MSA 15” of course !
At 20 years, you’ve guessed already haven’t you ? ….. Uh-huh, it was two diamonds, at 25 two diamonds and a ruby ( bet that fooled you ?) and at 30 it was a three diamond affair.
At 35 they gave me ,,,,,,,, eh, yet another tie pin ….( and btw, I only ever wear a tie pin at the long service award dinner ! ) this time with three diamonds and a ruby, well naturally …. You’d already sussed that ….. All of course with the number of years on them too. Wonder what I would have recieved if I'd still been there at 40 years { Phew, escaped just in time !! }
Oh, and one time, and this is absolutely true, I got presented with an "honourary" gift by our sister company in Germany for some work I had helped them with ,,,,,,,,
You’d never believe it if I told you what it was ….. guessed it yet ? ,,,,, Yeah, a bloody German tie pin ! At one of the long service doos, as a protest, I put them all on my tie at the one time, a long row of them, to go up and be presented with yet another one by the Chairman of the parent company. I thought this might just tell them something …. You know , like I’ve got quite enough of these useless bloody things ! .. But no, He thought I was brilliant," Gee Doug, you must be so proud to have been here all that time and you wear all your gold together, that's just won'erful " …..
Silly bastard ,,,,,,,THICK AS BLOODY PIG'S SHIT !!
Now the girls ,,, that was a different matter all together !!
After 10 years they got a gold charm bracelet …. with one little gold charm on it ,.,.,.
( a small plain round gold with MSA 10 ) . Need I go on ?? Every 5 years they got the same add on gold charms with the diamond, the ruby etc. etc. ad nauseum !!
This is the company I worked for, for 35 years ,,,,, no bloody wonder I'm the way I am today!!

How they do it in New Zealand ? Now that's a different concept altogether !
My little cousin, who lives on that little plook on the bahooki of our planet Earth in NZ, organised a special wee do for her man’s 60th birthday ,,,,,,,, she set him up for a Strip-o-Gram ?? a bloody Strip-o-Gram ,,,, I'd have killed her, especially if she’d picked ( as she did ) a skinny, bony, scrawny affair and hadn't even paid the full price to let him have his evil way with her. That was a real bitchy pressie to get the poor guy !
And then she had him filmed ,,,,,, what a cow ?
"When are you sending me copies of the pics ????" I asked her. Oh gaun, please, I can hardly wait. I'm looking forward to seeing those.
Surely he wasn't really embarrassed ?,,, that would just be an act he was putting on for her of course, especially when he spotted the bloody camera. Guys just don't get embarrassed watching girls taking their clothes off ,,,,, in fact that’s one of the things we can do really well ….. it’s probably what we do best !!
I do hope my She-Devil doesn't get any ideas for my next big milestone !!
( although it's such a long, long, long time away she'll probably have forgotten by then ) Well, not unless she does it better than the wee cous. and at least I get laid in the deal :) Aye, "laid to rest" more like !
OH aye, I forgot didn’t I ? The Long Service thing in NZ !!
She got a $500 cheque to go spend on something she fancied !!
And that for only 20-years service !!
Now there’s an original idea for you little Mr. J.T.Ryan III ….
Doh !

The local Newspaper printed the above story ,,, well a précis of it !

Superb ! thanks for that, Ken at the Diary.

I meant to add Ken, ,,, I tried to have a jeweller melt them down post-redundancy only to find they were more or less worthless ? Cheap USA gold ,.,. Now there's loyalty to your long, hard worked employees eh ?

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Ha-ha, The Spell Checker has it sussed !

Was writing to my local & European MP's this morning ,,,
with a copy to the PM of course !
I hit the SEND button and as always the Spell Checker then takes over my computer !
All impending mail has to be screened before the damn thing will do what I tell it !!
Today however it was worth the delay ,,,
Old SC knows a thing or two ,.,. tells me there is no such thing as an MP ,,,,
He suggests surely I must mean MP3 ,,,#
Hahahahaha that puts the bastards in their place even better than I can !!
Good on ye SC ,.,.,. I'll never complain about you again :)