I've heard of slow newsdays but ,, hey ?

Police in hunt for Smurf who punched Rastafarian at Halloween party !

POLICE are hunting for a Smurf who punched a Rastafarian in the face.   ( Aw C'mon ,, it's surely no' that slow a news day ? )
The 21-year-old victim needed four stitches but police have had no luck finding his attacker. ( Whit, 4-whole stitches !! & no luck finding the perpetrator .,.,well there's a surprise ! )
Appealing for information, a Detective Inspector no less, John Dearie said: "I can honestly say it is the first time in nearly 30 years in the force that I have been looking for a suspect who was a Smurf." ( Really dearie ? You need to get out more ! )
The attack happened in the early hours of Monday at a Hallowe'en fancy dress party in the Word Up nightclub in Greenock, Inverclyde. ( Ah Greenock, that explains everything !! )
The Smurfs are small blue creatures ( naw they're no', they're just figments of some idiot children's story book writer's  imagination !!,  who first featured as cartoons in the Belgian magazine Spirou in 1958. They later appeared in an animated TV series. ( Ah, Belgium ,,, How jolly interesting  ! )
Note to editor : If this "journalist" of yours can't find anything more newsworthy than this, then save yourself a salary & fire him / her !  Although a " story " linking both Greenock & Belgium ,, now that's not easy !!