Some Sensible Argument for Thomas !

Because there are a lot of loonies like me in Scotland ,,, baying for the blood of any Englishman and total FREEDOM there was a recent short debate on what we might call an "Independent Scottish Currency" ,,,,,,,,

ok, you've got the scene ,,,,,,,, here he goes then. ( one of my favourite writers, Tom Shields )

" One suggestion was the Mickle, with 1314 mickles making one Muckle !

The muckle would float or sink with the Irish punt but certainly not be associated in any way with the English pound.

There was also strong support for a National name for the currency.

As the French do with their Franc ,,,, ours could be the Jock !

A jock would consist of 100 we’ans, and 10 jocks would be a Tamson, made up of 1000 of his we’ans " ,,, and so on ?

The man's a little off the planet at times, but very witty with it ,,,,,

And never a mention of TIME !!

Stingy Employers

The Long Service Awards.
I must tell you about my company awards for long service ,,,,,,,, no ? Oh yes you’ve got to hear this …. How well we were treated for hard work and loyalty by our American multi-billionaire ( yes billion-aire ) owner.
Christ, it's a hoot ( if it wasn't such a bloody miserable gift )
We { the guys } got a small gold tie pin ............. but not until 10 years at the grind stone had been completed !
Yep , a bloody miserable tie pin ,,,,,, at 10 years it was a plain gold tie pin with MSA 10 engraved on it. At 15 years you got your next award ….. would you believe, it's another bloody tie pin, but this time with a small [very bloody small indeed] diamond in it. * This is about twice actual size !!
Oh, and, the obligatory “MSA 15” of course !
At 20 years, you’ve guessed already haven’t you ? ….. Uh-huh, it was two diamonds, at 25 two diamonds and a ruby ( bet that fooled you ?) and at 30 it was a three diamond affair.
At 35 they gave me ,,,,,,,, eh, yet another tie pin ….( and btw, I only ever wear a tie pin at the long service award dinner ! ) this time with three diamonds and a ruby, well naturally …. You’d already sussed that ….. All of course with the number of years on them too. Wonder what I would have recieved if I'd still been there at 40 years { Phew, escaped just in time !! }
Oh, and one time, and this is absolutely true, I got presented with an "honourary" gift by our sister company in Germany for some work I had helped them with ,,,,,,,,
You’d never believe it if I told you what it was ….. guessed it yet ? ,,,,, Yeah, a bloody German tie pin ! At one of the long service doos, as a protest, I put them all on my tie at the one time, a long row of them, to go up and be presented with yet another one by the Chairman of the parent company. I thought this might just tell them something …. You know , like I’ve got quite enough of these useless bloody things ! .. But no, He thought I was brilliant," Gee Doug, you must be so proud to have been here all that time and you wear all your gold together, that's just won'erful " …..
Silly bastard ,,,,,,,THICK AS BLOODY PIG'S SHIT !!
Now the girls ,,, that was a different matter all together !!
After 10 years they got a gold charm bracelet …. with one little gold charm on it ,.,.,.
( a small plain round gold with MSA 10 ) . Need I go on ?? Every 5 years they got the same add on gold charms with the diamond, the ruby etc. etc. ad nauseum !!
This is the company I worked for, for 35 years ,,,,, no bloody wonder I'm the way I am today!!

How they do it in New Zealand ? Now that's a different concept altogether !
My little cousin, who lives on that little plook on the bahooki of our planet Earth in NZ, organised a special wee do for her man’s 60th birthday ,,,,,,,, she set him up for a Strip-o-Gram ?? a bloody Strip-o-Gram ,,,, I'd have killed her, especially if she’d picked ( as she did ) a skinny, bony, scrawny affair and hadn't even paid the full price to let him have his evil way with her. That was a real bitchy pressie to get the poor guy !
And then she had him filmed ,,,,,, what a cow ?
"When are you sending me copies of the pics ????" I asked her. Oh gaun, please, I can hardly wait. I'm looking forward to seeing those.
Surely he wasn't really embarrassed ?,,, that would just be an act he was putting on for her of course, especially when he spotted the bloody camera. Guys just don't get embarrassed watching girls taking their clothes off ,,,,, in fact that’s one of the things we can do really well ….. it’s probably what we do best !!
I do hope my She-Devil doesn't get any ideas for my next big milestone !!
( although it's such a long, long, long time away she'll probably have forgotten by then ) Well, not unless she does it better than the wee cous. and at least I get laid in the deal :) Aye, "laid to rest" more like !
OH aye, I forgot didn’t I ? The Long Service thing in NZ !!
She got a $500 cheque to go spend on something she fancied !!
And that for only 20-years service !!
Now there’s an original idea for you little Mr. J.T.Ryan III ….
Doh !

The local Newspaper printed the above story ,,, well a précis of it !

Superb ! thanks for that, Ken at the Diary.

I meant to add Ken, ,,, I tried to have a jeweller melt them down post-redundancy only to find they were more or less worthless ? Cheap USA gold ,.,. Now there's loyalty to your long, hard worked employees eh ?

Ha-ha, The Spell Checker has it sussed !

Was writing to my local & European MP's this morning ,,,
with a copy to the PM of course !
I hit the SEND button and as always the Spell Checker then takes over my computer !
All impending mail has to be screened before the damn thing will do what I tell it !!
Today however it was worth the delay ,,,
Old SC knows a thing or two ,.,. tells me there is no such thing as an MP ,,,,
He suggests surely I must mean MP3 ,,,#
Hahahahaha that puts the bastards in their place even better than I can !!
Good on ye SC ,.,.,. I'll never complain about you again :)

My dearly beloved has passed away !

I know you’ll want to hear this ,.., although it’s rather bad news I’m afraid. :(
A funny thing happened to me today on the 17th. green.
There I was, about to putt for my par :) when “CRACK” went my trusty putter !
I looked down and there it was ,,,
Without as much as a by your leave, my MacGregor ZP 20 simply lost it’s head !!
For no reason other than stroking a little white friend the shaft and the head fell out with one another and separated ,.,.
The shaft snapped clean off, just above the head ,,, Ouch !!

It is obviously a casting as I can see, now that she’s in two bits ,,
Possibly an inherent weakness in her original design ?

I must write to the good folks at MacGregor and see if they'd like to bring the old girl back to life with a head transplant ?
I don’t know if it was a weakness or just old age, ( like it's owner ! ) but what I do know is that over the last couple of years or so the ZP 20 and I had become very good friends ,.,.
I would be happy to let them see the poor thing if they want to carry out a post mortem ,.,. but more happy if they would like to repair it ( the said head transplant ) ,.,. or better still ,.,. replace the old girl completely ?
The MacGregor clan, well them wot make the clubs, are based in the ole US of A these days ,.,.

Me ? I live in Glasgow ,,, that’s Bonnie Scotland for any foreign readers, so if they would like to see it I'm suggesting they send me a 1st. Class air ticket and I'll be happy to deliver the corpse for inspection.
Alternatively they might settle for just having a look at the photographic evidence and send me off a replacement ? Well one can hope :) Golf folks are inherently Nice People :)
Here she is then :- once the love of my life !!

An Extraordinary Tale ,, and another one for my MP !

My daughter is pregnant.
This is not a new experience for her ( or me ! ) She has hundreds of we'ans ,.,.
well three ,, but sometimes it seems like hundreds !
Anyway, on all previous pregnancies she has had the scan which can also tell you the sex of the child-to-be.
So naturally, when this point arrived this time round, she asked the nurse again ,,
"What are we getting this time ?"
"Oh sorry" was the answer,,, "we're not allowed to say anymore !"
"WHIT ? whyever not ,, you've always told me in the past ?? "
"Well you see ,, we've had to change the rules ,.,.. because of the Muslim ladies " ,, the nurse explained.
It seems that our Muslim "invaders" have now made it impossible for US ,, the people whose country and whose NHS this is .,,. to receive this info lest we are seen to be racist ,.,..
You see, the Muslim "ladies" are apparently inclined to abort FEMALE children ( obviously males are much more desireable to their world domination plans ? ) so to discourage this practice they now don't get told the child's sex. And because they don't get told ,,, we can't be told either or we're seen as getting preferential treatment !! ie, this would be seen ( by them of course ) as racist, anti Muslim !
Did ever you hear such bloody shite ,.,. they are denying us our rights in our country, in our NHS ,, and WE'RE racist !!
When are our politicians going to waken up ??

Of course, there is a footnote to this story :-
That info was given by the Nurse "unofficially" - for as the wee lassie explained ,.,.
"we're no' allowed to say that or we'll lose our job !! "

My daughter also has a pregnant friend ,.,. living in Aberdeen ,.,. same story, different nurse, same answer but with a twist ,.,.,. she went for her scan - asked the sex and was told they no longer gave out that info (though they'd told her 2 years earlier with child number 1 at the same hospital). When she asked why they claimed they were "worried people would sue if they got it wrong" …
Haha forgive me being cynical here, but couldn't they just say - as they do in France, in Denmark etc - there's a X% chance it is a boy/girl but scans aren't 100% accurate.
Hmmmm, Christ, I remember when we used to live in a FREE country where you could speak your mind !!

My wee darling wuman still isnae well ,.,.

She, you know, her who will be obeyed !

She's been quite ill these past few weeks ,,,

She wakened me at 5 am this morning ,,,
“I was just thinking” she said !!
“Thinking ? at 5 am … “ I said
“He’s a new man ,.,., we don’t want to upset him “ she said ,, clear and precise as if she was wide awake ,..,
“Whit – WHO ,.,.”says I ,.,.
Zzzzzzzzzz she says ,,, !!!!

A week later and I still don't know who's new ??

Then at 7-20 am ,,, I got kicked on the leg ,,, "Ouch" I said ,,,

“ You’re late” she says ,,
“ I'm What ??? “ ( that's me talking ! )
“I thought you were getting up early” she mutters from deep within a sleepy head.
“What for ?” says me ,.,.,.
“To phone for MY doctor’s appointment “ she drags out from below the covers.
“It’s just a wee bit early for anybody to be in the surgery yet pet ” says I ,.,. rather testily I have to admit, after looking at my luminous dialled watch in the darkness of the bedroom ,,,
But by the time I was saying that, I was already up, out of bed and standing there looking at her ,,, fast asleep ,.,.,. yet again ,,,

Christ, she's bloody hallucinating now I thought as I came to ,,,
I just came downstairs anyway ,,, No point in waiting on her next bulletin or assault.

PS : The surgery actually opened at 8-20am ,, not the 8am they tell you about on their recorded message !
Honest tae Christ ,,, I need a rest !

Lotta-lotta luck ,.,. NOT !

Just reading about that "lucky" woman in East Kilbride ?

Her with the £35.4 Euro Millions win. Just think about that for a second ,,, WOW ,,,

Has anyone else noticed, or is it just me and mine ?

When the Lotto first started and the weekly prizes were much larger than they are now ,,

ie, when more people were doing it ,, I used to win a tenner or so every other week or two ,,,occasionally the odd £50 even ,,

Nowadays, and I still do both the Wed. and Sat. draws, I win nothing ,,, zippo,, ziltch, not as much as a bean have I won, in years now.

Why is this ?,,,, with fewer people doing it my chances of a win surely must have INCREASED ?

Anyway, next thing to do obviously, since my luck is going nowhere, is to check out the wee woman in EK ,,, does she need a pal ? a new lover even ,, I see her man ( ex man ) is even luckier than me !! That'll be him in the Mood Badge above !!

Do I happen to know her by any chance ?,, could she be a friend ?,, ok, a friend of a friend ?,,

a friend's friend's aquaintance maybe ? anything, to get into her circle ,.,. her knickers, ,,

I mean her bankbook of course !

Anyway, good luck to the wee soul ,, a bit naive but she seems a nice enough person ,.,.

but God help her now that the world knows her name ! That was her 1st. big mistake ,.,.

With that amount of cash, she should surely have opted for ANONYMITY ?

Think I'll Settle for Scattering on Cowglen !

So we did Islay again ,.,.,. God's Little Acre !

We thought ,.,. summer will be a better time ,,, no more October school weeks for us retired folks ,.,. no more horizontal driving rain ,.,. we'll go in the SUMMER :) and see the beautiful island at it's best.
That's what we said :( Shame we didn't think to check out the bloody forecast ?

We arrived Friday morning ,.,. it was raining, misty and, to all intents and purposes October'ish ! Oh well, we said, a summer shower, no real wintry winds ; it'll probably be off before we reach Bowmore, sure it will Joyce ?
Joycie, our local Ileach, wasn't quite so sure ,.., she'd seen Islay summer weather before ! Often.

We reached our hotel in Bowmore ,.,. the very original and aptly named Bowmore Hotel !
We met up again with Peter, the proprieter ,.,. that's old Peter btw, not the younger cloned son ! We had eaten in Peter's establishment before but never actually used his B & B service.
We were shown to our rooms ,..,,. no bellhop, no kindly Island help of any kind ,, just lug your own bags up the stairs folks ,, you're in the Hebrides now !
Peter went on at length about how well he was doing with all the renovations at his hotel :(
This perhaps should have started the warning bells ringing ?? But no, we were happy, back on our beloved little patch of heaven ,.,. with all those lovely Peaty distilleries :)
What could possibly spoil our week ?



Well the weather wasn't exactly shaping up too well for starters ,.., and now we had ,..,,.
"The Room" for a follow-up ! Ours was a tatty, crammed, ( no, make that bloody crammed ) hovel with peeling paintwork, threadbare carpet, a newly created loo with bare plasterboard finish ! ,.,. Oh, and a double bed UNDER a metal framed bunk bed !!
Peter had noticably been very careful to guide Joycie & Steve to the better room ,, but helpmaboab, theirs was exactly the same as ours ! Ha, So good to have friends in hotel places !!

When we were alone the dearly beloved, still recovering from illness, took one look and told me ,.,. " Go see Peter ,, and tell him we need a different room ,, I'm not sleeping under that bloody scaffolding, not even for one night ! "
So I saw Peter. We got a change of room ,,, at first glance it was an improvement on the original ,.., well we had single beds, but at least no overhead bunk bed scaffolding ,.,. but wait ,,, what happened to our wardrobe ? Mmmm none ? Oh and that newly installed loo ,.,. where's the door ?
Bloody Nora ,,, a room with a view ,,, but even for long married couples this "open plan toilet arrangement" isn't exactly a turn-on feature !
We did have drawers for storage ,.,. and we did take a peek in a few of the other unoccupied rooms to see if another deal with Peter was worth the bother ,.,. alas no, they all had "flaws" !
Some had wardrobes and drawers ,.,. but subtly positioned beds so as to render opening them impossible ,, you think I exaggerate don't you ? Well here's the photos to prove I am honest as the day is wet !




Oh well, it's now the next day and ,, you guessed of course ,, still pissing it down Islay fashion !
Joycie knows her stuff ,, Heather the Weather could take a lesson or two from our Ileach !


We go walking on the beach ,, Hahaha, it's wonderful ,, wet right enough but really quite beautiful still ,,, well not still as such ,, the wind now also thinks it's October ! But do we care ,,, Eh, yeah we do ,,, we really wanted to see this pretty island in the sun and the heat ,, just for a wee change.
We spend the rest of our week ,,,we drink, we eat, we drink some more and then we ,,, drink some more ,,, hic ,, and then we go out to the pub ,.., hic,hic, who cares what the bloody weather does ?


We have now settled into our respective hotel rooms ,,, did I mention the bruises on Steve's head from getting up of a morning and smashing it off the bottom of the (iron) bunk bed ?
They too finally asked for a change of room !!
They got single beds too, ( they seem a bit anti sex I feel on Islay ) they each got a wardrobe, ( non opening doors though ! ) and hey, the ultimate prize, a loo WITH door !


Incidentally Peter's food is still good ,.,. the hotel restaurant can hold it's own with all the others in Bowmore ,,, both of them ! And not even the sniff of a Fish and Chippy to be found, anywhere on the island.


The Fun Day thing scheduled for the weekend including Highland games, pipers, dancing etc. was cancelled because of ,, eh that would be more RAIN ,,,
Our Golf game was ,,, cancelled due to the weather !
So we ate some more ,, we drank some more and we listened to some music ,, in the pub some more !
The week came and the week went but the rain on Islay ,, that's forever !
Being in love with a place is never having to say It's DRY and SUNNY !!
We're back home again now and the beloved has been back to the Doc ,,, seems all this "walking in the rain" might have been good for Johnny Ray but it knocked seven bells out of my dear wife again ,,,
The chest is heaving, the coughing has begun again and the sweats, boiling temperatures and freezing cold are back ,,
Thanks Islay ,,, You may not see us again for a while !

Och the NHS is in Good Hands .... isn't it ?

The wee wifie is decidedly poorly ,..,
In fact as poorly as I've seen her in many's a long day.
So poorly that I had to call in the NHS Doc ,.,.
Now don't get me wrong, the Doc was a nice woman ,, pleasant in every way ,.,.
but did she fully understand the patient's symptoms ? That I'm not so sure of !
The illness took the form of severe stomach cramps, nausea, sickness, diarrheoa, terrible sweats, chilling cold, non eating and sleeping ,,, Aye, Christ, she's sleeping for Scotland !
The Doc thought maybe food poisoning ,, but then settled for "the dreaded virus" ( or as we all know it ,,, all together now ,,, The Doc hasn't a bloody scooby disease :)
So she gave out some pills ,,, anti "B's" for the virus ??? and other pain killing / plugger upper things for the stomach pains and the diarrheoa .....
Days passed ,.,.,. was the patient now on the mend ,, getting better on this medication that the Doc assured would settle the stomach pains in no time flat and sort out the dreaded virus ??? Was she eating at least ? stopped having the sweats and the pains ,.., ?
In a word ,.,. NAW !
The Doc was summoned again on Thursday pm ,.,.
A different Doc appeared ,, ( good service this btw,, on both requests for a home visit by the much maligned NHS they were at the patient's bedside within the hour ,.,.,.
But good practitioners in the art of healing ??? Mmmmmm, the jury's still out on that one ,, but we do have our doubts and concerns ,,, already and it's only later, Thurs. pm !
Doc 2 diagnosed a CHEST INFECTION ,.,.,. ?? Eh, whit ? Nobody said there were any symptoms of chest deficiences ,, neither the patient nor the caller outer of Docs !
Where did this magical diagnosis suddenly appear from then, we wonder ?
So it's not a virus then Doc, it's an infection ,.,. Ahh, we did wonder about anti "B's" your colleague dished out for viruses !!
"I'll give her a stronger anti "B" because it's a nasty infection she has there" he said ,.,.
"And is she still taking the two Paracetamols 4-times a day for the sweats ??" Eh, whit ?
What bloody Paracetamols .. nobody told us to take any Paracetamols ,, the patient did take a few of these early on herself for the accompanying headaches ,, but figured THEY were what was CAUSING her to sweat so much ??!!
OK, So the first Doc FORGOT to mention the Paracetamols ! Oh well, we're all busy people I suppose ,.,.., so,
The carer got on his bike ( figuretively speaking -- we have to remember the main players here are gerry-crumbles ),.,. straight to the chemist shop ,, oh sorry, we seem to have only Pharmacies these days !
The new anti "B's" were brought to the patient's bedside ,.,. The chemist ( sorry again,, Pharmacist ,,, it's just my age !) advised that these pills were strong and should really ONLY be taken on the back of FOOD ,,, remember food ,, that's the stuff the patient hasn't been able to look at for a week now ,, ??? The dear wifie was feeling like shit ,,, ( not feeling like A shit ,, nothing left there now after a week of no food ) just ,,eh, feeling badly, so took the first one of the new stronger anti "B's" to get the show on the road anyway ,,,
We then read the pill blurb ,, you know, the wee bit of "Get-Out" clause paper that the Docs and the Pharmacists seem to need to get by nowadays ?
Wait for it ,.., this you bloody won't believe ,.,.
The NHS is really great ,, it sees us from Cradle to Grave ,, that was the old Labour bullshit line that launched it ,,, wasn't it ?
Problem nowadays seems to be that it takes you out of your cradle ( of caring ) and PUTS you into your bloody grave ! ( whether or not you want to go ! )
The side effects which MAY be CAUSED by these anti"B's" ??
Hahahaha, if it wasn't so bloody tragic it would be bloody funny !!
You've already guessed of course haven't you ??
Yep ,,these pills may cause ,,, stomach cramps, nausea, sickness, diarrheoa, sweats ,,, ????
Oh I see, they give you more of what you called the Doc out for in the first place !!
Woop-de-bloody-dooooooooo ,.,.,.,.,. Arghhhhhhhhhhhh
God save us from the mighty NHS ,,,, please !

My Brilliant Brain

Watched a programme on TV last night ,, absolutely fascinating.

My Brilliant Brain, Accidental Genius ,.,. an insight into Savant Brains.
About people with exraordinary brains ,.,. some born that way, some after brain trauma ,,
One guy ( a born with ) just sorted numbers constantly in his head ,, he designed calendars of all sorts ,, but he could also remember everything .,,. could tell you what day it was on July 20th. 1912 ,, or any other day, date , year etc ,, He could also read a 500 page book inside an hour ,,,
And memorise every word !!
Eh, shows just what the human brain is actually capable of though ?
Another guy, without ever a lesson, could play piano like a concert pianist ,, and would play ANY piece, note perfect, after hearing it only once !! Truly amazing ,.,. however the down side was that most of these people were slightly less than normal in other ways ,.., ?

Disabled but also with a rare talent ? Remember Dustin Hoffman as the autistic in the Rain Man ?
The calendar guy couldn't look after his day to day needs ,, like shaving, cooking ,, shopping etc ,, The pianist was like a hobo ,.,.,.
A Scouser, Tommy, formerly a builder, who had a brain haemorrhage at 40 or 50 years old ( and with no artistic talent whatsoever ,.,. or any other talent of course. Well he was a Scouser ! Ha, almost just joking !! ) suffered severe brain damage, but suddenly after surgery became a manic 100 MPH talker ,, then developed an overwhelming need ,,, and I mean an absolutely bloody overwhelming need ,,, to paint & sculpt,.,. He covered every piece of paper in the house, then moved on to every other surface ,, walls, doors, floors, ceilings ,.., and his stuff is amazing ,, problem for him is he simply can't rest ,, or stop painting ,, he just goes at it morn to night ,, sadly however his wife just couldn't live with the new artist in him ,, she had to leave to find some sanity for her own life ,,,
Anyway, there was this Prof guy, from Oz I think ,, who is studying this Savant brain behaviour stuff ,,,
He reckons that one day ,, and maybe not too far off either, we will ALL be able to tap in to this incredible brain power ,,, to bring out a special talent that he believes we all have ,.,.
All I can say to that is WOW ! Let me at it ,, I want to try this ,.,. Please ,.,., I have always believed our brains are vastly under used .
One female ( another medic studying this phenomenon ) who also has the savant brain herself, spoke of her talent ,,, she was a writer ,.,.wrote everything from poetry to just her life experiences ,,, she told of also being somewhat manic ,,, wakening in the night and scribbling notes on post it pads ,, sticking them all over the place, hundreds of them ,,

Quote " I just had to get this stuff down on paper ,, my head was bursting with stuff I had to write down "
This describes exactly how (and why ? ) I started writing ,.,. I used these same words early on in my writing ??? My head too was bursting with stuff ,, it wouldn't stop .. and also wakened me in the night.
She is now on medication to curb her "enthusiasm" ,.,. I have just kinda dried up a bit ,,, it no longer wakens me ,,, but then according to my wife ,, nothing does !
However, a quite fascinating study ,,

I wait with baited breath for the Prof. to come up with his "Thinking Cap" that will bring these talents gushing out of us all.

I just know he's right.

The High Life ?

Why don't high rise flats work in Glasgow ? Nay, Scotland even ,.,.
in fact pretty much anywhere in Britain they simply don't work ?? WHY ??
They work fine in NYC ,.,. they work in Singapore ,,, Tokyo ,.,. many, many countries have them ,, I've seen them ,,, they look great and people like living in them ,.,. so,
Why here, do the residents of these homes in the sky seem to drop right off our antisocial behaviour scale ?
Is it that these other countries don't have social misfits ?
No, I hardly think so .,,.
Is it that we build our skyscrapers ( well, little versions thereof -- is that what's wrong ? -- we don't build them high enough ? ) in the wrong places ,,, far away from town, alone, ill maintained, and finally lost, and forgotten ?
We actually seem to build these ( and ours are small monstrosities by comparison to those in, say New York ) as some kind of multi-family prison block, specifically for our social outcasts ,.,. almost, as it were, to keep them that way?
Do our social departments actually interview prospective high rise dwellers to ensure we get a complete block of the worst misfits in our society living together ? Or is this pure coincidence ??
Please queue according to type for allocation of flat ,, druggies, alcoholics, asbos, wife beaters, etc,
I think not !
So, where is it that ( only ) we go wrong ?
Answers on a post card please to ,,,,, The Scottish Parliament, Edinburgh
or if you live south of the border,, the Bam Pot @ bloody 10, Downing St.

Glasgow's urban ghetto

Read yet another article today ( it's July 2007 for Christ's sake and still it goes on ! ) in the never-ending saga/circus that is the underpriviledged underbelly of Glasow's overspill.
This place overspilled ( blood generally ) back in my youthful days in the Bar-L !
Why can't /won't these people ever learn ? Aren't they tired of beating the crap out of one another yet ? Can't they see, or at least understand, that there is a different way ?
Or can it possibly be that all encompassing poverty simply rots your brain into a state of limbo from which you can't ever escape ?
I have often wondered what I would have become, what my life might have been, had I not managed to free myself from the jungle that was the Bar-L ?
Would I, now, like these poor, sad specimens of their sick society, trapped in this war zone, also be fighting my territorial rights and lashing out at any outside help / interference ?
Thankfully, for there but for "fate?" I'll never really know .,,.., but ,.,.,. oh boy, do I have my ( dark ) suspicions ?

Sandyhills, My Spiritual Homecoming.

Yesterday, as my little American friend Trent would have said, I HAD A GREAT DAY !

I had been looking forward to this day for months ,, nae, years ,, and had worried that maybe the dreaming of it would far outshine the reality.

But I needn't have concerned myself, for, as it turned out, it was a truly awesome day !

I played Sandyhills again, for the first time in over 40-years ,, the golf course where I first played the game as a skinny teenager !

I didn't remember much of the place ,, a few holes looked familiar but not many ,,, like all golf courses, naturally, it has changed over the years, but I was back, and I loved every minute ,,

Memories of my old pal Alistair ( Best ) came flooding back ,, our school days, afternoons spent in his Killin St. home ,.,.,.., sadly he couldn't be there with me this time ,, he died, 2-years ago now.

I played "out of my skin" and had by far the biggest win of the day finishing 9-up ,.,.

I shot an amazing 38 out and 40 back giving me a score consistant with an 8 handicap player rather than my existing 16. My opponents ( only the President and Captain of Sandyhills ) gave me the "Man of the Match " award and re-christened me "The Scud Missile Launcher", having seen the "Scudder" motif on my hat !

I helped our team ( Cowglen Seniors ) to a famous 5-1 victory and the lifting of the Match Trophy.

But what made me happiest of all, and the day really great, was simply returning to my Spiritual Golf Home.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh Happy Days.

My Daughter, the Blogger !

I've been reading my dear daughter's Blogs these last few weeks ,,
Not that I don't always read them ,, it's just that recently she seems to have become more of a "Ranter" than a Blogger ! Of her last 15 or so blogs some 11 have been "RANTS" about one thing or another ! She doesn't always log them as rants of course but that's what they are. Mmmmm ,,, maybe it's her age ? Or maybe it's Mamas Chicken Pox blues ?
Here are some of her moans ,,,
First there was her old Lap Top, the one that broke down so frequently it really belonged to the Repair man !
Then she encountered Juvenile Delinquents in Asda ( whom she dealt with in fine fashion ) ,, Next came the Loonie Fringe Politicians and their Rants ! particularly the BNP and the so called Christians ( she wanted them flung to the Lions ! )
Then we had the crazy UK only Child Nut Allergy study ,,, a hoot of a read ,,
Hahaha then there was the breakfast cereal Mortar / Wallpaper Paste !
Her old Citroen car came in for a kicking next for having the audacity to lose a bolt holding the gearbox in situ !
Oh I nearly forgot the NHS ,, they give out DO NOT DRIVE Warnings on 19-month old baby medicine bottles !
After that we got the story about the miscreant able bodied idiots who use Disabled Parking spaces in Supermarket car parks ( have you seen how many spaces we have for the disabled these days ,, especially at DIY stores ! There just can't be that many disabled DIY'ers in the world, never mind visiting B & Q ? )
Oh, then we had the Incomprehensible Inconsistances ,, or why MS's new Vista wouldn't let her access MS's Hotmail ! A good question you have to agree ?
She finished it all off last week with a moan about Dreary Car Colours making our Dull Scottish envirronment even duller and drearier .,,. I reminded her of old Mr. Ford in America who made cars any colour you wanted ,,, as long as it was BLACK !

She's a Crusader my kid ,.,. and mighty proud I am to read her daily output but there's one Blog she's not finished yet and I'm dying to know ,.,.,.,. about her Top Secret Assignment, that most surreal of things she's been asked to do in a very long time ???
C'mon Phyl ,, do tell :)

My Blook is Coming !!

I see the new way for Publishing Houses to find up and coming authors is to appoint "Blog Readers" ,,,, people whose full time job is just browsing other folks blogs !
Progress knows no bounds !
The resulting publication of course being called a BLOOK !
Well whatever next ,,, I may yet be published ?

Just a wee Social Comment !

Scotland definitely believes in education:

The average Uni professor / School teacher earns more money in a year than a professional footballer gets in a whole week !

Reggie's Folly

The wife of the piece is the dearly beloved ,, Let's call her Ann !

She ( who will be obeyed ! ) wanted to replace the strip of silicone filler with a plastic beading at the back of the wash hand basin in the downstairs toilet ,.,. Oh and ditto on the wash hand basin AND the bath in the upstairs loo too.

So she set about removing the old beading / silicone filler stuff, upstairs first.

I fretted that she was about to break wall tiles and /or wash hand basin and /or the bloody bath !

However with my expert help and guidance :) she managed to complete both with no real damage done.

So next it was onto the downstairs job !

Now to let you understand ,,, The downstairs loo was installed by REGGIE ,,, a sortofa plumber from far away Newarthill that we hired once, in a weak moment.

First we tried to scrape away the existing silicone filler stuff from behind the basin ,,, it was good stuff 'cause it wouldn't come off ! So, we scraped a bit harder ,,, Oh shit, the WHB fell away from the wall ,,, how the hell did that happen ?,, Ah, you forgot didn't you ,, REGGIE ,,, there were NO screws fixing the WHB to the wall ,, only a big dollop of glue !

I tried to balance the basin ( now hanging precariously by the pipes to the hot and cold taps ) ( which incidentally, are on the WRONG way round from every other set of taps in the Western World ) on the pedestal but bugger me, it wasn't fixed to the floor in any way at all ,, not even Reggie glued ,.,.,.

So picture it, if you can ,,, we, two daft old buggers with Stanley knives in hand ,, trying to hold not only the basin but now the pedestal too, to stop it all collapsing to the floor and undoubtedly starting a flood ,, 'cause it's a fair bet in my head by now, that at best Reggie will have only half tightened any pipe fittings ?

God only knows how, but finally, after a few minutes we got ourselves sorted to the point where that lady we called Ann is holding the pedestal steady while I hold the basin on top of it with one hand and try screwing in one of the two missing screws with the other !

Absolutely no way is this going to work ,,, I can't get a screw started in the hole ,, it can only take a very short "dumpy" screwdriver ,,, I try on and off for the next 30 minutes to achieve some kind of fixing to the wall ,,, Alas there's nothing else for it ,,,I get Ann to hold the lot while I get underneath and uncouple the hot and cold pipe connections ,,, fortunately wee Reggie has done a job here ,, and we do have inline isolation valves, so we escape the flooding ! ( for now ? )

Finally, after what seems like an hour, I lift the whole basin free and plonk it down on the carpet in the hall ,, Ah, forgot the hanging pipes and waste would still be full of water didn't I ? ( dirty water in the case of the waste ! ) Ach, The carpet cleaning job can be next !

Now I go about trying to get a couple of fixing screws into the (solid wood) wall. Ok that's done !

While we have this all off the wall the Ann person decides a new strip of wallpaper is required to be fitted in along the back of the basin since it's damaged there ,, and suddenly appears with a roll of this paper as if by magic !! Honest, she did !

The re papering naturally requires some wallpaper paste which we "borrow" from our neighbourly painter/decorator next door.

Then it was back to the job of re fitting Reggie's Folly !

We pushed, we shoved, we tried lying upside down, inside out and backwards ,, could we engage these bloody screws in the wall thro' the basin ?? Not on your f***ing life ,.,.

We sat down for a rest, completely cream crackered by now ,, we had a coffee ,, ( and a cream cracker !! ) and finally after now some 3, or was it 4 hours, with a monumental effort we got it all back together ,, taps tightened, ( for they were loose too ! ) pipes fitted and basin on the wall WITH two screws halfway home ! A result !

Only then did she discover ,,,, the basin is shaped ,, curved if you will ,, arced even ,, NOT BLOODY STRAIGHT ,, and so impossible to fit with her plastic bloody beading strip !!

It's back on the wall now with a thin line of white silicone filler just to tidy up the edge betwixt wall and basin ,,,, or put another way ,, THE WAY IT BLOODY WAS TO BEGIN WITH !!

Next day and every day since, my body has ached with all the bloody contortions I did under that basin ,..,,. and not even any sex was involved !! She's gonna put me in an early grave !

The Saga of the Telephone !

It's been some months now ,,, on and off,,,, aye literally !
It all started when Talk Talk "Upgraded" us for faster, free Broadband.

That was back in Sept. / Oct ,, last year.
At first we noticed our previously slow, but at least secure, Broadband connection would periodically "drop out" for no reason other than perhaps that we weren't using it 24/7 !
It gradually got worse ,,, dropping out 3, 4, 5 times a day. And got more and more difficult to re connect.
Naturally we complained to our new "provider" ,, the fast becoming Infamous TalkTalk ,,

I even wrote to the top man ,, one Charlie Dunstone, CEO, telling him what I thought of his new, super-duper free Broadband !! And I wasn't exactly complimentary !!
I next complained to Dave, our tame, local "face behind the counter" up at our local Car Phone Warehouse ,,
Dave has been very sympathetic and caring ( but he has his internet provided by BT !! )and frequently over the next month or three he 'phoned in our complaint to the Talk Talk call centre service people ,,, we watched him do it !

They would then come on the 'phone and talk us thro' various remedies ,, generally requesting that we isolate all our land line phones and any other phone links in the house ,, like the Sky TV connection and the Computer ,, while they checked the line at the exchange.
They advised us ( often ! ) that, oh yes we've located a fault at our end ,, that's at the BT exchange ,, and we've fixed it now Mr. B, so you won't have any further problems !! Ha ,,,
Next time, for there was always a next time, they would tell us to try changing all of our ASDL filters. That would surely cure the problem ,,, then they wanted us to shut down everything for 48 hours !! Yeah, disconnect from the world for 2-days !!

I told them to go screw themselves ,, or something like that :)
Oh, and incidentally, all the while our new "upgraded high speed" internet connection won't actually happen 'till next July ,,, even although they blatently tell me every time I go online that I'm currently connected at 7.5 Mbps ,,, On checking, that figure is averaging less than 1Mb !
Then, bugger me, the next thing we know our bloody 'phone isn't working ,,, well to be factual here, it works sometimes ,, but most of the time it's so noisey and crackling that no one can hear us &/or vice versa ,.,. many's the day we've had calls from people who simply hung up on us so frustrated were they ,, next the answer machine packed in ,, as did our Caller Display !
So, back again to see Dave ! He laughed ,, but he organised engineers coming to visit ,, Engineers from Talk Talk, Bt and even the elite Bt Open Reach ,.,. They've all been here ,,,

They told us there was no fault on our line here at home ,,, but they'd found ( again ) and fixed ( again ) the faulty HUM on the line at their end !
The whole affair was beginning to HUM as far as I was concerned too !

I told them I would take my business to a Reliable supplier if they didn't fix the problem in the next week !
The 'phone line by now was diabolical ,.,. we were getting nowhere ,,, then suddenly my good lady wife discovered ( by accident ) that hitting the intercom button seemed to clear the line and we could once again hear our family and friends ,,, so for the next month or so we did that ,,, when the line went all hissy and crackly we hit the Intercom button ,,, this gradually led to us just hitting the hand set off the nearest thing handy ,,, and hey presto ,, the line was clear again for a short period ,.,.,.
Then I had a birthday ,,, my big son bought and fitted a new Super fast "Router" for me ,.,. and overnight our "drop out" problem disappeared ! It's been rock solid for nigh on a fortnight now ,,, unheard of since our "Upgrade !"
But still no joy on the 'phone front ,,, but wait ,,,

We started thinking about this hitting of the hand set and the Intercom button thing

Oh no, it couldn't be ,,, could it ?
One night when we had nothing better to do we decided to disonnect the 'phone ,,, we connected an old 'phone from an upstairs bedroom ,, temporarily you understand, just to check if maybe ,,,

Oops ! the crackle, the hiss, the lack of sound ,,, all gone as if by magic with the change of 'phone !!

We've now had a trouble free 'phone system for a week or more ,,,, not the slightest hiccup ,,

But then we'd expect a good line ,, after all, it's probably the most checked line in Scotland !

The wife has just bought a new set of Digital 'phones !!

Don't think I'll tell Charlie Dunstone though ?

Wait ,.,.,.., Addendum : PS : Call it what you like : But a wee while later the Saga continued !!

I came downstairs this morning and the new 'phone was sitting there all bright eyed and bushy tailed ,.,., waiting for me !

I decided to call Steve to arrange our golf game ,.., so I checked the new 'phone's 'phonebook ,., hit the button and there it was ,,, dialling away like a good-un ,,, excellent ,,, until ,,,,

" The number you are dialling has not been recognised ,, please hang up and try again later "

I tried for fully ten minutes ,,, I dialled it manually, I tried the 'phone book memory ,, I added the Glasgow 0141 ,,, you name it ,,, but alas NOTHING, the bloody thing refused to call anybody ! Arghhhhhh, here we bloody go again !

Naturally I assumed something in the set up and /or initialising had gone wrong or hadn't been done ,,, but my good lady assured me it had worked ok the previous night after setting up, before she came to bed ????

So ,, back to confront Dave ,,, Up to the Car Phone Warehouse I went ,, with 3-kids in tow too !

Good ole sympathetic Dave was ready for me !

"I knew you'd be here today" he said ,,, "sorry but we couldn't contact you , you're complaint #27 so far today ,, Talk Talk is having "an Outage" today so your 'phone will be out of commission for ,,, eh, they haven't told us how long yet !"

So there you have it ,.,., talk about coincidence ,, they decide to have "an outage" on the very day we change to new 'phones !!

Is it Sod's Law, Murphy's Law or just that good ole guy CharlieTalkTalk's Law ?

I know you'll want to hear ,, it all started working again at 5pm tonight !

And I don't want to hear another word about bloody Alexander Graham Bell for the next 20-years !

Hello, Hello ,,, is anybody there ?????

The Key !

Is it just me ,, or has anyone EVER seen anything on the Sky TV channel "Open Access" ?
Not only have I failed to catch even one word ( or picture ) on this channel ,, but worse ,, they seem to now have a 2nd. channel "Open Access 2" dedicated to ,,, eh ,, Nothing at all seemingly !
They do show a pretty constant picture of a KEY so maybe that's it ,,,
Could this be the famous Key of Life ?
C'mon, somebody tell me ,..,,.What am I missing ???

Dedicated to my friend, Big " T "

Big "T" ( no forenames or surnames lest the Polis read this ,,,, our past-but-one, Seniors Captain ! Oops ...) was pulled over just a few days ago by the Polis just along the road after leaving Cowglen ,,
He was overtaking a car turning left and hit the apparently illegal 38 MPH ,,, well it was in the 30 zone so I suppose ,,,,.,.,. ( they had the dreaded gun on him ! )
Oops he thought ,,, followed by ,,Oh sh** At this point he then remembered his pint of Guinness and two ( little ? ) whiskies, after his round of golf !!!
Oh sh** indeed ! But he also remembered he had a coffee and chocolate biscuit with his good lady wife before leaving the lounge !!
Maybe that nice chocolate would negate the effect of the alcohol ?? He hoped ! Ha :)
He convinced them in the back of their meat-wagon that No, of course he hadn’t been drinking that day ,, the smell on his breath must be from the biscuit or maybe the nightcap he had at bedtime last night ,,,
He was also on the ball, quick witted enough to remember, at such a stressful and worrying
time, a little tip he had gotten from a retired polis of our acquaintance ,,,
Viz : Take a big breath in via your nose but don’t inhale ,.,. then blow it quickly into the polis' wee bag ,,,,
Mmmmm, good to know these things ( if they work ? )
Blow me down ,, he thought ,,, it’s worked ,,, the breathalyser showed a quantity of alcohol in his blood stream right enough, but JUST below the handcuff level ,.,.,. Wheeeeew, ooooooooh ,,,
So he walked ,,, a free man ,,, out of the meat-wagon and back to his wife and his car ,,, a man who will now really enjoy the Glesca Patter below !!
( Hopefully also one who has learned a valuable little life lesson ? ) Don't get CAUGHT !!

The Glasgae Patter

The Glasgow, or more properly "Glesca" dialect is known to be extremely concise, as so much can be said in so few words.
Consider for example, this exchange between a car-driver, and the police officer who pulled him over. Interpretation is provided inside the brackets for those who need it.

Police officer: Yaw rite? (Are you feeling ill?)
Driver: Imawrite. (No. I'm feeling exceptionally well, thank you)
Yeshoor ? (Are you entirely certain of that fact?)
Aye. (Yes)
Zisyoors ? (Are you the registered owner of this vehicle?)
Zwitmine ? (Which vehicle are you referring to ? ) Ris caur (The automobile in which you are presently seated)
Sibrurn laws (Actually, it belongs to my sister's husband)
Wersheeren ? (Can you tell me where he can be located?)
'Raboozers. (He is a guest of the local hostelry.)
Yebeen garglin'. (Have you partaken of any alcoholic beverages, in the recent past?)
Jissa cupple. (I have consumed only one or two small cocktails, prior to dinner.)
Yur stoatin'. (It is my considered opinion that you are well under the influence of alcohol.)
Naw'mno' (I beg to differ.)
Ye urstoatin'. (I believe that my initial observation is correct, and that you are being deceitful.)
Umnoe. (I swear that I am being entirely truthful.)
Geezyer licence. (Would you be kind enough to allow me to inspect your drivers licence?)
Vno Goatwan. (I am not in possession of such a document.)
Geroot racaur. (Kindly remove yourself from the automobile.)
Whiffur? (By what legal right do you make this request?)
'Mapolis. (I am a member of the local constabulary.)
Geroot Ren. (Will you now please extricate yourself from your position behind the steering wheel?)
Awrite, 'mcomin' (I am proceeding to do so with all possible speed.)
Blawris up. (Are you familiar with the breathalyser test?)
'Mgonny Besik. (I believe that I am about to be violently ill.)
Noanme Yurno. (Please exercise a great deal of caution as to the direction your involuntary emission takes.)
'Mawrite Noo (Having ridden my digestive tract of an accumulation of nausea- inducing substances, I now feel better.)
Getna meatwagon. (please be kind enough to accept a short ride in the humble vehicle provided for my use by the local police.)
Wer Wigaun? (May I be so forward as to make an enquiry as to our ultimate destination?)
Ra Jile. (To my headquarters, where you will be incarcerated.)
Ohmigoad, rawife'll murder me. (Once again I call upon the Supreme Being to witness this unfortunate turn of events. Incidentally, I must also inform you that my spouse will take my life, illegally.)
Getna Wagon. (May I offer you my assistance in climbing into the back of my vehicle?)
Aw, Neveragain. Ratsit furme. (I have now learned a valuable lesson, and I hereby declare total abstinence from all alcoholic beverages hence forth.)