Only a Golfer would understand !

After you read my tale below, I don’t ever want to talk about this again !!
I’m so angry with myself this morning ,,,
It’s kept me awake half the bloody night !
In fact I’ve been very angry with myself since precisely 9-05am yesterday morning !
At 9-00am Wed. 2nd. July, whilst competing in the Cowglen Seniors Open I drove off at the 4th. hole.
Holes 1, 2 & 3 had been steady if not spectacular ,,, 5,5,5 ,,, an ok start. ( not quite like the day before of course, when I started my practice round with 4,4,4, ,,, and another 4 to follow that at this damned 4th hole ! ,,,, 4 straight pars ! )
My normal drive at the 4th. would generally take me up the hill, centrally on the fairway, with an easy 8 or 9 iron onto the green ,,,,
This being the Open of course, I sliced my ball and off it went, rolling all the way down the hill into the heavy rough close to the out-of-bounds wall ,,,
After a short hunt one of my playing partners located my ball ,,,, it was two feet into the rough in long grass ,, about knee high grass !,,,
A lift & drop, within two club lengths, out into the semi rough never entered my head .,., a single penalty stroke would have seen me in a position to certainly chip back out onto the fairway and thence onto the green in 4 .,,., all night long I’ve dreamt about doing it that way !! But instead I lashed at it ,,, I put it deeper into the same long grass a mere 2 feet from it’s original position !
Did I stop and think then ,,, DOH ,,, NO !!
I lashed at it again ,,, out it came this time ,, right behind the big bush ,,, 15-yards I’d moved it with these two errant strokes .,,. Did I learn anything this time ,,, ??
Eh, no ,,, The Dummy just HAD to go for the green, didn’t I ,, from this impossible position ,.,. naturally I didn’t make it ,,, instead I ended up behind the very big tree on the right side ,, just back from the burn ,,
Absolutely no way to get the ball up in the air from right under this tree’s overhanging branches ,,, so I manufactured a low punch & run ,, hoping to get the ball to bounce over said burn and onto the green in what would then be 5 ,, all wasn’t lost yet ,,,
Well I managed not to go into the burn ,, but stopped hopelessly short of the green on the steep slope ,, stupidly putted up ( rather than use my magic chipper ) ,, well short of the pin ,,, in fact barely on the green ,,, followed then by a very poor putt to some 6 – 7 feet away ,,, Did I sink this tiddler ,,,
Arghhhhhh ,, no, it took two more putts and it was all over ,,, the 4th. and my Open Championship !
I haven’t had a 9 at that hole in ten years ,, 4, or at times 5 ,,, on a really bad day I may have had a 6 ,,, but 9 ,,, Jesus ,, where did that come from ?
Obviously I’ve been bad in some previous life ??

After that I just relaxed and played my normal game ,, Reached the turn in 45 ( yeah, with that 9 still on my card & in my mind ! )
However I had a better inward 9 coming home in 38 with a magic TWO at the 12th. ( well I thought, at least I’ll make a few quid on that, for there were two to three hundred entrants, all putting a pound into the Two’s kitty.
Finished score a net 67 ,,, not bad considering ?
However I also had a really daft 5 at the par 3, 16th ,,, after landing my tee shot a mere 10-yards from the flag, just off the green on the left side.

An hour later I’m in the clubhouse and in the lead !! Whit ??
The first 10 or 12 games are in, and the only two sub 70 scores are my 67 and wee Joe Sawyers, another Cowglen senior, with a 68 !!
What’s going on, I ask myself ?? Another dozen cards are returned ,,, all 70 odds ,, 80’s even !
OK, so the course was set up as long as I’ve ever seen it ,,, all the yellow tees were set right back as far as they’d go ,,, virtually the medal course in fact ,, best suited to the big hitters ,,, a real trial for the higher handicap older guys ,, but c’mon ,,, surely a 67 isn’t going anywhere near the winning post ?? Is it ??

Well believe it or not ,,, 4 - 5 hours later & only the last two games were still out ,, at 17 & 18 respectively and yours truly is STILL the clubhouse leader ,,, ( and incidentally only two other two’s have been recorded !! Yo ! )
Then it happened ,,, Bugger me ! ( if you’ll all pardon my somewhat sexually explicit French ) ,,, the very last three ball came in ,, two 69’s and a bloody winning 64 ,,
Arghhhh shit ! ( sorry I mean Merdé )

So a bad day ended with a 2nd place overall cheque for £50 ,,, a First place in my age class 6- crystal glasses and a still to be declared share of the Two’s kitty !!
Hey, life’s not at all bad really is it ??
But in my nightmare that 9 is always reduced to a bad six and the daft 5 to four ,,,

& there I am ,, 63 ,,, The Winner & cleaning up the whole kitty ,, the lot !!
Ah well, next year I’ll take the penalty drop !!
Hahahahaha

Footnote : It just had to be didn't it ?

Out again the next day and what did I shoot at that 4th. ?

Yep, you guessed it ,,, only a bloody brilliant birdie 3 !!

They say suicide is painless, don't they ???

PS : Another wee tale !
It was a sunny morning ...
A little before 8:00 am ...
On the first hole of a busy course ...
And I was beginning my pre-shot routine ...
visualizing my upcoming shot
When a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loud speaker ...
'Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please !'

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me.
I was still deep in my routine ...
Seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement .
'Would the man on the woman's tee kindly back up to the men's tee.'

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating ...
When once more ...
the man yelled ...
'Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee ...
Please ! '

I finally stopped ...
Turned, cupped my hands and shouted back
'Would the ass hole with the microphone
Please be quiet
and let me play my second shot.'

Thank-you !!