The Tale of the Missing Chisels !

Some weeks ago my daughter & her other half kindly loaned me a couple of good chisels ,,,
I can't remember for the life of me why I wanted them ,,, but I definitely wanted them and I definitely got them !
Oh, now I remember ,,, I've been decorating lately and wanted to knock down part of a stone fireplace. That was it ! I also remember using one of them to prise out the skirting boards to allow the new wallpaper to go in behind them ,, and that was AFTER the fireplace was away ,,, however, after that ,,,, senior moment BLANKSVILLE !
Oh no, I can think of one other use I had for one of them ,,, and that was prising up the dining room wood floor prior to removing it, and that was AFTER the wallpapering !
But now, said chisels have a done a disappearing act !
I, ( and the beloved ) have searched the house from top to bottom ,,, we've turned out the garage ,, we've sat down and thunk ! but still the damned elusive chisels remain awol & deep in hiding.
Of course there is the other possibility ,,, that I have indeed returned these items to their rightful owners ?
Unfortunately however, said owners do not yet have in place an orderly filing system for tools in their house or garage so finding them there could be even more difficult than here ?
However, find them we will ,,,, or die of old age ,.,.,. or chisel suicide trying ???
Keep posted .,,. I'll update you on this .,.,., and soon !
Post Script .,., Ha ! It turned out exactly as I thought / hoped / suspected .,.,
The chisels have now been found .,,.,. in the daughter's garage !
So breath a sigh of relief ( for me at any rate ! ) .,., it's not the onset of the dreaded Alzheimers.
Well not at my end anyway !!

A sure way to stop Wars ?

See Britain ?
See us super inventors ,,,,
See yon greatest designers in the world ,,
We arra peepell !
How to finally put a stop to wars ,,, ??
We've only gone & done it !
Just read it in the Herald tosmorning so it MUST be true !
Our British government's Military designers have finally hit their target.
They've designed and paid for ( with your money & mine btw, to the tune of some £20bn !) new Nuclear Missiles for our new Trident Nuclear ( deterrent !) Submarines ,.,.,.
Are you ready for it then ????
This you won't believe ,,, such an easy solution they've found in the end, to thwart our war-mongering generals ( Presidents & Prime Ministers too !) .,.,.,
The new Missiles don't fit !!!
Ya cannae make up stuff like this can ye ???
If the old cowboys had got guns that the bullets didnae fit in we could have had the Tame West !!
Hahahaha, this is gonna keep me smiling all day !

Life's on the UP again !

Things are definitely getting better this week ,,
We're almost there ,,, well at least I can finally see light at the tunnel's end !
Not only has the new TV been up on the wall now for more than a week
( 9-days in fact, but who's counting, and with no signs of it or the wall coming down, thank God !) AND, I can nearly drive the Control Module thingy now !!
Well ok, that's an "almost" ; there are still one or four things I need to check out ,,, like how to play my beloved Radio on this new Amp !
The son is not a great radio lover so this hasn't been programmed into my hand set ,,, yet !
( Incidentally, why DO they call it a hand SET, when it's only ONE ? )
That and a few other minor but tricky manouvres to master then I'm ready for my driving test !
But no, really I was thinking more along the lines of ,,,
Aha, last night I had 3 numbers on my Lotto ticket .,,. so already I'm a tenner to the good !
Didn't I tell you life was on the up and getting better ??
Anyway, we've now chosen and bought the new "real wood" flooring & we also know which wood we're having for the fireplace, so it won't be long now 'till we can sit on our combined arses and do like Frankie, when he went to Hollywood ,.., RELAX !
Ann even found a RED vase for the fireplace ,,, but not yet the "right colour" flowers !
But I'll know it's finally over when the rugs come back ( and the right flowers are esconsed in the vase of course ! ,.,. and that'll be when all six numbers come up on the Lotto !!)
Once I'm finished my bit, I plan to WATCH the kitchen fitters install the new kitchen, raising not even my little pinky to assist ,.,. not one iota of help will they get !
Oh, Roll on April !!

Well, that was the night that was !

Well at last, it's all over ,, bar the shouting of course, and there'll be some of that in the next weeks I'm sure !
Gone is the huge old TV, the apparently antiquated Hi-Fi system, DVD player, Video player ,,( my God ,, we were THAT out of date !! :( ,.,.., )
In came the new TV, ( still huge, in fact huge-er ! but flat screen at least ) the ultra powerful amp, cinema sound system, ( with very petit & discreet, but Jesus, ear splitting speakers, oh & not to mention the large Sub Woofer cube. :) Woof-ya ! )
Then there's the playstation 3, the sky+ box ,,, et al ,.,. now all fully installed and remarkably, it all works ! ( my biggest worry is now gone .,., that the telly would bring down the wall ! )
Bravo that son ,, the Installer .,,. number one fellah !
And the bugger never even opened one of the instruction manuals ??
Where does he learn all this stuff ? ( he specified all the cables needed too ,, about 100 quid's worth, off the top of his head no less ,.., :( )
I took the handbooks to bed last night ,,, just thought I might read up and learn a bit about how it all works, what it can do, etc ,,
Now I used to be a very competent engineer ( in my day ! ) ,,, but honestly ,, without a word of exaggeration here ,, I could not understand one bloody word in any of these books !
Well actually that's a lie ,,, I understood one very small item on the specification pages ( yeah, it takes pages ,, plural & lots of ,, to tell you all the technical stuff ! ) ,..,., & I am now extremely worried.
Both the TV and the Amp consume 500- watts of power ,.,.
That's a bloody kilowatt between them !! Like burning a single bar electric fire all the time the Telly is on !! Our electric bill ( already way too high ) will go into orbit now !! And that doesn't include the Sub & the PS3 ( another 400 watts !! Help .,,.,. ,)
I could barely afford to buy this stuff .,,. I now can't afford to play with it !!
Although with all that heat being dissipated in the room I might just save on the gas bill ?
Roundabout & swings, .,,. ( as my old mum used to say ! )
I can now access Tv, Games, my Computer Internet, my Pictures, my Jukebox ,,, everything ,,, on my new TV screen & all from the comfort of my armchair !
It'll be wonderful ,,, I know it will .,.,.,
Geeez ,,,, if I can just learn how to drive this Command Centre thingy !!

Hey, wait a cotton-pickin' minute !

I've just been shafted ! Yeah, again ! And NO, not by the bloody UK Government this time ,,,
I put my usual top-up tenner on my mobile 'phone about 2-weeks ago or so ,,

Strange as it may seem to all you mobile 'phone junkies ( or cellphone if you're of a Yankee persuasion ) but this would normally last me some six to nine months !

Yeah, that was MONTHS !! I'm rather economical with my calls & texts you see.
So, you could have knocked me over with the proverbial feather when, less than 3-weeks later, I receive a text from Orange telling me I have only 51-pence ( that's UK currency speak for bugger-all ) left on my mobile account !
"Whit ? You must be joking" I replied ,,,
"Naw" they said ,, "that's your lot ... one more short call & you're up Shit's Creek ,, paddleless !!"
Well, that got my dander up ,,, I flew back to the Car 'Phone Warehouse that sold me the top-up. The guy there was very good, & helpful to boot ,, what a pleasant change these days ?
Unfortunately, he confirmed that my money was all but gone but offered to call Orange for me on his land line to find out why ?
"Have you had any texts in the past days ?" he asked ,,

"Why yes, now that you mention it I have ,,, some daft 66633 something number telling me how to win money on some casino thing or other .,,. naturally I just dump them ,, junk texts ?"
Fortunately he found one still on my phone's incoming texts listing ,..,
"Ah !" he told me ,, "that's the culprit right there .,,. these, eh we'll call them "people", charge YOU £2 for every text they send you !!! "

"People ,, I'll give them bloody people if I ever find them ,, bastards !
How the F**k can they get away with that" I asked, civilly !
"I don't know how they do it "he admitted ,, "but they can & they do !"
He then showed me how to put a stop to this practice ,, on MY 'phone at least !
So here's the cure if it ever happens to you ,,,
You must immediately answer this type of call by text and write the word STOP ,,,
This text will cost you the normal 12p .. no more, and then it ends .,.,

The perpetrators of this scam even text you back to confirm that they will STOP !!
Let me say it again ,,, cheeky BASTARDS !

So hopefully no more will I see these annoying and bloody expensive Junk Texts ,.,.
but alas, it seems there's no way of getting my lost ten quid back ..
Grrrrrrrrrrrr ... let me please find a way to get my hands on these scum ?