Another Slow News Day ?

Now you must have seen the Baby ASBO story ,,, surely you didn't miss this one ?
The bloody world's gone stark staring barking, and right over the cuckoo's nest ,.,.,
The Holyroo' doos were one thing but this one is just mental ,.,.
Seems that if your Mammy isn't good to you when you're a wean ,,, the "powers that be" can get your ASBO ready for when you hit your teenage years !! Christ isn't science wonderful these days ?
Go on I dare you ,,
Have a go at the readers comments ,.,. if you have a day to spare ! I've never seen more than a couple of dozen comments before but these two "stories "this week have broken the mould !!.....
And I haven't included MINE !!
Do at least get to the one from "Dr. Holmes' mum " !!

So did we all read about the Holyrood Doos ?

Talk about a quiet news day !
Anybody see the LEAD article in the Scotsman this past week ?
Hahahahaha, it would be so much funnier if it wasn't OUR bloody money they were talking about. However it's a MUST read ,,, especially the readers comments ,,, and if we're picking out a winner on that score it just has to be the one from Frank S ,,,, well Mmmm maybe ,,, but then again there's also Philip with his PMD's !!
Go on, read them all, you know you want to ?
It's absolutely wonderful ,,.. a good belly-laugh out loud guaranteed !

Did I mention that we'd WON in Ireland ?

Well, " that was the weekend that was !" Last weekend that is !
What a brilliant display ,,, even as Captain wee Woosie turned out to be ok after all, :o) Well he WAS good with the Champers & Guinness !!
A truly fantastic performance by every last one of our guys ,,, not least our own Monty, the Pied Piper, leading us all the way, and Darren, what an brilliant but highly emotional week for him, Sergio was Inspired,,, oh, all of them ,, but poor Tiger, humbled yet again on European soil. Will the wonder boy never learn ?
These Yanks simply don't understand TEAM play ,,, in the end it was
almost too easy for us !
Maybe the USA team now needs to be supplemented by their friends in
Canada, Mexico, South America ??? Just to make a game of it again !!

It's a funny old name !

I noticed at the weekend that one Hibs fan seemed determined to eclipse Celtic's new Dutch signing, Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink. ( yeah he actually has this whole paragraph on the back of his shirt ! ) The supporter in question was seen at the game against Falkirk wearing a green T-shirt with a wordy legend on its back: "Edward Anderson Malcolm of Portobello. " Hahhaha ,,, however,
This set me thinking ,,, just as well my old granny wasn't a footballer ,,, her shirt would have had to accommodate this lot ,,, Janet, Grace, Morrison, Stevenson, Scott, Crosbie of Parkheid !! What size of shoulders would she have needed to carry this moniker ??
Beat that you guys !

Christ, They'll all be at it, if it pays well !

I see you only need a new wean these days to get on the salary trail !
Nae sooner has the little bugger drapped fae the womb than Bang, it's Mammy's goat it oot working ! In fact a wee bit Fertility Treatment and a multiple birth would go a long way to making you a mega earner ,, They need lots of stand-ins you see !! ,,Quite strict rules about how long the little darlings can work unfortunately ! It seems the Glesca Mammys are queuing up to put their new borns on the stage ,, the Soap Stage that is ,,, So, c'mon all you new Mammys ,,, get your wean spruced up and take it down to River City ,,, Just think, the wean's first words could be ,,, "Oh shite, Scarlett's gone and got hersel pregnant again !! "

They're also getting Dafter every day !

I see the polis are being clever again ,,, They're going to sort out Glasgow's Sectarianism once and for all ! Oh goody ,,, and just how are they going to achive this monumental change in the Glesca Cul'ure you might ask ?
Well it's simple really ,.,. they're to introduce BAFFS ,,, ( that's Ban Abusive Fans of Footie Sectarianism ) or was it FASBO's ( Footie Anti Social Behaviour Orders )
Hahahahaha that'll do it right enough !!
Christ but the naivety is mind numbing ,, if it wasn't so funny ,,,,, and just to compliment our Polis we have the Government's Health Minister spouting his "local knowledge" ,,, and I quote,
" I condemn Buckfast wine as a seriously bad cause of anti social behaviour "
So there you have it, straight for the horse's mouth ,,, or should that be Donkeys mouths ? ) .... Issue some FASBO's and ban Buckie and the world will be put to rights again ,,, Yo !

They're getting Younger every day !

Reading last week about the wee girl mummy ,,, she conceived at 11 and gave birth just before her 12th birthday ! The daft wee bugger is pregnant again apparently !!
Does this wean no' know that at her age she's supposed to get into the back seat of a car, no' to go shagging, but to get on to her "Booster" seat.
At this rate she could be a Granny before she's 23 !! and if she's no' big enough her, the wean and the wean's wean could a' be in matching "Boosters" in the wan caur !!

AND, I see we've also now got young foreign prostitutes working in Glasgow's South side ,,,, again at an age more suited to the booster seat than the blow job ! Apparently as young as 12 and "good looking" their services are being offered at just a tenner ,,, ( ask outside any pub ! )
The local "girls" naturally ( old, wrinkly and drugged up to the eyeballs are apparently up in arms ( but not their punters arms !! ) at not getting their £50 - £60
But hey ! I say, at a fraction of the age, a fraction of the cost surely ?? Be fair now girls ,,,,

Following up on the Age thing !

Further advice on reducing the chances of dying as you grow older reminded me of another point ,,,, when being teased for being the oldest in a group of (significantly) younger golf buddies, I simply pointed out that at 60 another year older equated to only 1.25% of my life. However, at 40 this became 2.5% and at 20 that figure became 5%. So my younger friends were growing older at a much greater speed than me. In similar vein, it might be an idea to stay away from hospitals as they have high death rates. When I'm ill or injured in future I'm refusing to go to hospital and insisting on being taken to a primary school as statistically the risk of dying there is much lower !!

Sorry Phyl ,, but now it's GOLF time !

Tomorrow is the ACTUAL start day of course, but today it's the Opening Ceremony complete with all the palaver, speeches, etc, ( more than normal craic this year since Ireland is the host country ?) and TV is showing highlights of all previous years games all day !
So, don't anyone look for any BLOGS from me now before Mon. morning and hopefully then a gloating one after we've duffed up the Yanks yet again !
This year we have the best team I've ever seen BUT, and isn't there always a wee but ( an' ben ? ) we also have perhaps the least motivating leader we've ever had in the wee Welsh Captain Woosie ? I have to admit having grave reservations about him ,,, but hey, the team can do it without his help ,.,. I'm sure of that ,.,. well almost sure !
Anyway, it's on for some 10-hours each day Frid, Sat, and Sun. so why not give it a go and spend some time on Sky Sports 1 ,.,. it WILL be a very exciting and emotional weekend, I promise you ,,,,
Our pals Steve and Joyce are coming over Sun for lunch .,,.,. and later dinner too ,,, just so we can watch the climax together ,.,.,. Yeah, for once the Englisher and I are on the same side !
What more can I say ??
Oh btw it's the RYDER CUP I'm talking about, just in case you didn't know !!

The Best Age NOT to Die ?

Here's an interesting thought for today !
I was reading all about aging brain cells this morning and came across this theory of old age.
It seems the longer you live the less likely you are to die, since less than 1% of the deaths last year were for people over 100 years old, while more than 99% of the deaths were for people under 100. So if you are over 100 the chances of dying are very small, and wait for it, if you are over 110, then the chances of dying are so negligible that you can ignore them.
Ok, so it's the healthy diet for me from now on ,,, I'm aiming for the ole one, one, zero mark !!

The Wee Barra Boy !

Did anyone see it last night ,,,?
The wee 5-year old boy who was born before .,,.
Calum I think he was called ,,, Started to tell his mum in Glasgow as soon as he was able to talk that he had lived before on the island of Barra in the Outer Hebrides with his mum, dad brothers and sister ,,, and wouldn't stop going on about it ,, even described everything, the house, the place ,, the beach with aeroplanes landing on it ! even the dog ! Told his Glasgow mum that he had "fallen through a hole" and arrived here in Glasgow. They took him to various analysts etc to try and find out more ,,, but eventually they decided to take him to Barra ,.,..
He was just 5 ,,, it was riviting TV and so spooky ,,,
Almost everything he'd described was there ,,, the house, his mum and dad's name as previous owners ( in the 60's ) even the bloody dog was connected with the house ,.,. The only bit he got wrong ( apparently ) was that he said his dad had been knocked down and killed by a car ,,, ( but could that maybe have been himself ? Alas no record of such a thing ...)
His wee face was just so sad, traumatised, scared, full of expectation when he went into his old home ,,,, I fancy he really thought he'd find his old family waiting for him ,.,.,.
A strange, strange tale ??

My Friend's Stockholm Syndrome !

I have a close friend, who shall remain nameless for this piece ! ( Lest his dear wife sees it and instigates Divorce proceedings ! )
He was telling me the other day as we walked round the golf course :) ,,, just after the news broke about that poor, and now damaged, child, who was kidnapped and held captive for 8-years in a dingy little room.
We were discussing this "Stockholm Syndrome" phenomenon whereby the victim comes to grow attached to the perpetrator ,.,.
He just came right out with it when I was in the middle of my back swing ,,
"I think I've got this Stockholm Syndrome" he said, "In Reverse !!"
What ? I said, paying as little attention as I could muster at such an important point in my game.
Well I've stayed with the wife now for all these years he says, and I've come to hate her !! :)

Music Obviously plays far too important a roll in my life !

So I'm writing my Blog Profile and it asks me what my musical tastes are !
I told it ,,, in some detail I have to admit ,,, but just names of the various singers, bands, etc that I particularly like,,,, nothing like an exhaustive list ,.,.,. no actual song titles or anything,
It came straight back to me under the heading ,, Profile Alarm " You have more than 600 characters !" ,,, I was suitably alarmed !!
I subsequently had to delete, line by painful line, some of my best loved singers until I reached the magical ( and apparently maximum ) 600 characters ,.,.., and I hadn't even touched on my Classical tastes yet ?
I guess this site suits people with a slightly less musical bent ,..,. Perhaps my daughter's Abba and Barbra Streisand is what is expected ?
But why do they ask such questions and not allow you to answer ??

Greedy Bastards

Re this morning's news on the Norwich Union Insurance giant making half it's staff redundant. The staff's Union guy was said to be "Disgusted !"
Disgusted ? Is that the best he can come up with ? This comment doesn't go near far enough ! But they don't like you swearing on these pages, do they ? ,,,
They made £1.7 BILLION ,, a 27% increase in 1/2 a year ! Jesus ,,
Och, Sorry about the cursing, but greedy BASTARDS ! and now they want MORE ??
They're sick... Let's hope they go down the Swanee, and soon ( hic )
Here's my wee Scottish solution ,,
Any company that wants to move half it's work force to India should be made, by law, to have it's executive staff move and live there too ! Let's see how many fat cats will make that sacrifice ? Maybe then we'll stop the UK from becoming a 3rd. world country. ( well done on that front Tony "B" btw )
Oh and as for Norwich Union not allowing their staff to discuss these cuts ,,,
Ha, Let them try stopping me !
AND, Finally, I will ALWAYS hang up when answered by an Indian ( or other foreign ) call centre and as for Norwich getting any further business from me ,,,
Aye right !

A strange atmosphere

I'm practising trying to do a BLOG !!
At the same time there is decidedly strange atmosphere in the room !!!
That's because my #3 grandchild , the magic ,special boy Leon has shit his nappie ,,,, and the mother now tells me the niff is because the wean had a Korma curry last night !
Jesus but Kormas and Weans really don't go well together !!!! Arghhhhhhhhh ..... Has anyone got a nose peg ?