As I was Saying, Techin-ology is a "wonerful" thing !

Oh yeah, I just knew this was going to be a fun week or two .,.,

The Wii thingy came into its own this pm !

The daughter, her man, and all the myriad of grandkids came a calling .,., ( always feels a bit like Central Station here when they all come together ! )

First Marcel, who had already created his Wii-Mii character some days ago got back in action trying to beat his now 31-year old granny's records at Ski jumping, and slalom ski racing .,., !

Then Charlotte too created her image and tackled Yoga exercises .,., followed by a few ski jumps too. The little kids were enjoying trying some of this stuff too ,, without actually "being there", but jumping on and around whoever was on the fit board !

Next, and last for the day, of course up jumps Thomas .,., you could see he'd been itching to join in the fun since he came in the door ,, the poor guy simply couldn't resist the temptation any longer ,,

Up he got, made his image and started off with some Yoga ,, but with tight jeans on !!

Mmmmm, it was near impossible for him .,., so naturally .,., off they came .,., the breeks , the socks, ( I stopped looking then ! ) .,., if he was going to do this stuff then Thomas was going to do it right .,., Ohhelpmaboab ! ( I was real worried now ,, for didn't these boxer shorts look a little on the tight side too ??? )

God ( & Thomas' mum ) help us if they come off next I thought .,., and of course Thomas also has another BIG problem .,., no, no, not that ! ,, the guy's just too tall for this wee house of mine ,, doing his Yoga he can actually hold himself steady by pressing his fingers into the ceiling !!

Now I call that chea.,., eh, unfair advantage !

He's also a central 'ish European, so skiing comes naturally to him ! Chea,,, chea,,,

But I feared for the overhead light shade when he leapt up into his jump position ! Ohhh eh .,.,

Anyway I now see quite clearly ( and tried to tell Thomas at the time ,, but alas he didn't hear me ,, having far too much FUN !! ) that there is a gap in the market place for this new techin-ology .,.,

An outdoor version for playing in the garden is a definite necessity ,,,, in fact a bloody MUST lest the living rooms in both our houses are reduced to Keep-Fit rubble ,,

I now give you my laughter-tonic-attached-picture ( above ) .,.,

Case now rested :-) !!

Talkin' "Techin-ology" !

That word btw, was orginated by my dear grand-daughter, Lottie, when she came home from school one day ( at about 5 years and 1 week old ! ) & told us she now had the "techin-ology "! Anyway, I had another go at learning some new stuff myself today ! No, you're never too old !!

Having watched the son re-programme my TV / multi unit remote control hand set from his house while it was in mine !! I figured, I need to keep up here or get lost in this new techin-ology abyss !

So, I now have a new programme on my Pc .,., it's called Simplify Media .,., this clever little programme lets me access stuff on my son's Pc !! I can look at ( and use ,, ie, play songs from ) his juke box ,, his photo albums etc ,, without the need to visit !

Of course the down side to this "ology" is that he can also access my Pc ,, :-(

( I better watch what I download in future I guess !! )

But isn't that amazing ,, I can have free input to his entire record collection ( so to speak ) and play the stuff on my home music system .,.,

This stuff could be kinda mind-blowing to an older guy than me you know !!

Next I decided I wanted to make up some MP3 discs to play music of my choice in my new car, which of course incorporates not only the old fashioned Cd player but also the more advanced MP3 system ,, Ooooph ya .,.,

So, I set about creating a Play List ( showing off again am I ? ) ) of some 800 of my favourite songs .,., this took me a day or two to drag & drop from the Juke box .,., however I then asked the Pc to Burn this lot onto a disc ( or 4 ) .,., ( I asked nicely too ! )

The entire burning process for 2Gb, 48-hours worth, or to put it simply, 800 songs, took less than 10-minutes .,., and all done in full surround sound quality !!

I can remember when you could only record plastic gramaphone records onto a tape using a microphone sat in front of the single record player speaker .,., ( and that was Hi Tech then ) and you also got every other noise in the house on the same recording ! The budgie tweetering away in the background ( no, I don't mean Twittering ! .,., that's another subject for another blog ! ) and Ann's old man shouting at it to shut up .,.,

Christ, I can even remember changing the sapphire needle every 3 or 4 plays of the old 78 rpm records !

Boy but we've come a long way from there have we not ?

A New Era ?

I noticed of late that my Blog was becoming one of moan, groan, angst & anger.

So, for the next wee while at least I'm only gonna write happy stuff !

You see, I am fundamentally a happy-go-lucky kinda guy .,.,

Recently herself & me both bought new cars .,., well you need toys to enjoy retirement !

I got a £200 road tax rebate on my old car ( I had just taxed it for a year prior to selling it and I was damned sure Arnold Clarke wasn't getting it ! Oops sorry, that was almost a rant coming on ! .,., Anyway, I cashed it in )

My beloved had been hankering for a Wii Fit thingy so I bought it for her with this cash-back from Swansea ! Console, hand set, games Cd, and the Wii Fitness Board !

Haha, You'd actually think I knew what I was talking about here wouldn't you ? .,., Don't be fooled .,., the son helped us install it all doing practically everything on Skype from his computer to ours !! See today's techin-ology, it's pure magic intit !!

Anyway, one of the things that has been making me happy ( actually giggling like a teenager ) over the past week or two now is watching my beloved enjoy herself. Not only having fun, she's becoming so fit, losing weight jogging, jumping, skiing, playing tennis, doing Yoga, .,., the bloody machine talks to her and tells her daily her weight, her Fitness age and even chastises her if she misses a session ! She does all this with a huge grin on her face, talking back to the TV screen .,., it's either Fun or Senility, I'm not sure which yet ? Wii tells her she now has the fitness & body of a 38 year old ( this doesn't please the daughter ! ) But it's now even getting me interested in trying it !! I mean, if I have to keep up with a 38-year old bod .,.,., Yabadabadoooooo !!

Edward Moore ?

Why are the Yanks ( and others around the world who should know better ) making such a fuss about the runt of the Kennedy litter ?
They can't all have forgotten surely ?
This is the good ole guy who was allegedly shagging ( sorry, having an affair with ! ) his campaign worker ( behind his wife's back ! ), the young & impressionable Mary Jo Kopechne, her who was in the car accident on Chappaquiddick Island, remember, the car he was driving .,., the one where he ran off and left her to die, trapped under the cold water.
The same guy who was thrown out of Harvard college for cheating !
Great Liberal Senator ? Not in my eyes he wasn't .,., not fit to tie the shoelaces of either of his brothers .,., even his parents compared him unfavourably with his older brothers .,.,nice folks eh ?
He enlisted in the US army and applied to join the Intelligence corps .,., after only 3-weeks he was thrown out of there too !
He used his Daddy's political connections to avoid being deployed to the Korean war .,.,
Liberal ? Yeah very, with his womanising, the truth and any kind of backbone !.,., and somewhat academically challenged to boot.
At least his wife saw him for what he was ,, she divorced the bum ,,
His Democratic challenger way back once said it all .,.,
" The office of US Senator should be merited ,, not inherited ! Had his name been Edward Moore ( instead of Edward Moore Kennedy ) his candidacy would have been considered a joke ! Don't you think that Teddy is one Kennedy too many ? "
Yep ,, me too !

Time for a New People's TV Charter ?

God but I'm sick & tired of bloody TV adverts.
It's not that they now take up almost equal time with the programmes .,., that's bad enough !
it's that they are the same ads repeated & repeated .,., in fact "ad" nauseam .,.,
On the Sports channels it's a constant bombardment of gambling ads .,., come play Bingo, poker, bet on this, that or the other .,.,
On other channels, we get a different batch but they are then repeated similarly time after time .,., dare I say it again ,, ad bloody nauseam !
Don't these imbeciles know that this kind of brain washing doesn't work .,., it simply gets people ANGRY ! Angry enough to now instantly shut off all adverts .,.,
I think it's now way past time for Government intervention .,., Brain Washing is not allowed in Western Civilised Society .,., this "rubbish" is acting against my civil liberties and I want it stopped .,., NOW !
Had I Elvis' money I'd shoot a TV set a day .,.,
Had I Bill Gates money I'd shoot a TV ad man a day !

What is it with this Auld Age ?

There I was, minding my own bloody business when Wap ,, It just hit me .,., Lost Memory Syndrome !
I'm writing .,., yeah still .,., a book or two ,, ok it's actually 4 now that I have on the go ,, yeah, simultaneously .,., DOH !
Anyway, the memory loss .,., oh yes ,, I keep my books "security passworded" so that their release to the world will be when I'm ready .,., but Jesus, for the past two days I've been sweating a bit .,., their release to the world looking like .,., eh, NEVER !
The ole memory bank ran out of funds .,., I couldn't, for the life of me, remember my password for 2 of them ! ( yeah stoopid I know ,, I have differnt passwords for different projects ! ) so for the last 48-hours I've been typing in possible password combos in an effort to gain access to my own work ! And for 471/2 of these the combos turned out to be quite futile .,., eh, wrong !
And I might add, I also have my written WILL protected in the same fashion ,, with the same password ! And IT was the actual reason for wanting in to these files at this time .,., my dear daughter having, since my First Will and Testament was writ, divorced & re-married ! So the ex needed to be changed to the current ! ( sorry Thomas, I'm sure you're the permenent not just the current !) and so it all started .,.,
However, all's well that ends .,., remembered !!
Phew .,.,.,.,

So, Common Sense really is OFF the radar now !

We knew for weeks it was going to happen .,.,The newspapers had already told us he'd been sending his goods back to Libya for the past 6-weeks ! ( Hey, what the hell goods can a life serving mass murderer have in jail that takes 6-weeks to ship out for God's sake ?? )
They also reported that he'd 'phoned his wee Libyan mammy and told her he'd be home Friday !
And all this BEFORE Kenny MacAskill, Scottish Justice minister, had decided his fate ,,,
Aye right !
We did hope however that common sense might yet prevail because of the public outcry !
But alas NO .,., the do gooders win again ! ( damn them all to Hell )
We've only gone and been fooled yet again by the terrorist minority !
Going against the massive, almost total, outcry of Scottish public opinion and the abhorrence from the world in general the Scottish Government have only gone & released this murdering bastard Libyan fanatic. We, the public, had wanted to see him die a long slow death IN JAIL, where he belonged, with as much suffering as possible .,., our big regret of course being that he was alone in there .,., for it's for sure that more than him were involved in this atrocity .,.,
but will we ever learn the WHOLE TRUTH about this crime ? Not in my lifetime I fear ,,,
Both the US & UK governments are hiding it from us for reasons best known to themselves ,,
it was a cover up at the time and it's still a cover up ,, so WHY ??
Or is it simply that the price of a few barrels of oil = 270 lives ??
Anyway I and all true Scots wish the Devil's spawn Magrahi the most suffering possible for as long as he has left on this planet and an excruciatingly painful death ,, in fact what a pity prayers are not answered ,, for wouldn't that plane taking him home have looked so good crashing in flames in a little town in Libya ?

When did it happen ?

Sometimes I sit here and just wonder ,,,
Tonight I'm wondering .,., When did the beloved & I become so angry ? Not with one another ( well not always ! ),, but with life in general ? What pushed us over the edge ?
Was it this useless bunch of Politicians trying ( and failing ) to run our country .,., was it the greed in big business ,, the stock market swindling us out of our money .,.,
I don't rightly know but I do know we now get upset, angry, downright agitated and aggressive about so many things ,,
Stuff that wouldn't have bothered us at all years ago suddenly has us enraged ,,, eye poppingly red faced .,., beside ourselves with fury ,,, ( can our blood pressure stand it ? )
We can no longer tolerate the stupidities surrounding us ,, the news throws up so many nonsenses on a regular, daily basis ,,, I could list them but that's not why I'm writing now .,.,.,
I go back to my pondering ,,
Am I still enraged about my mother's untimely death all these years ago ?.,.,
Yes ! of course I am .. Do I still miss my silly old mother-in-law ,, Yep, that too ,, Jean could be fun ( some of the time ! ).,.,
Do we regret leaving Ann's Dad in the street when he was evicted ,, Is that a guilt trip we're carrying ? Yeah I guess, even that hurt ,, ( but we did it for all the right reasons ,, didn't we ? )
Could I have stopped my own Dad from suffering such a stupid early death ?
Who knows these things ??
Are we angry for our son & dear daughter-in-law .,., for our daughter and new dear son-in-law ?
Their problems are our problems ,,, naturally .,., but can it be something more than all these things ?
Is it simply an age thing ,, are we just getting old .,., ( and with old age comes intolerance, doesn't it ? )
Do we see the end coming with so much still undone ??
Mmmmm ,,,, I'm still thinking and wondering !

Hell hath no fury ,, like a Doctor divorced !

Richard Batista wants his kidney back ! .,., or at least the next best thing .,., $1.5M
Doc Batista from New York, didn't just give his wife his heart when they married.
In 2001 the love sick Doc gave his beloved one of his kidneys when she was dying of renal failure. However, Mrs. B is now fighting fit again and demanding a divorce and the good Doc says it's payback time ! ( ya bitch ? )
The story is probably a little more complex than the recent brief news article suggests but it does give us this terrible warning :
Isn't a society in which everything is reduced to a mere commodity hopelessly lost and degraded ?
Aye and so say all of us !
Old Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice comes to mind but hey, I'm keeping an eye on this one to see if the good Doc gets back his organ !! :-)

Who ARE these people ?

Found this nonsense in a newspaper article this morning .,.,
Reporting on the sad death of three fishermen from a capsized boat, it said .,.,.,
"The three men might have been saved if they'd been wearing a lifejacket or Personal Floatation Device ( PFD )" I ask you ,, ? a personal floatation devi ce !! a whit ?
Who are the idiots that come up with such shite .,., ?
and more importantly, who lets them away with it ??
If you were the editor of said newspaper and your reporter came up with those words would you not just fire him ??
I'm so fed up with this rubbish .,.,
I'm starting a movement right now to rid us of all this kind of stupidity .,.,
Anything of this nature that I see from now on I will ridicule mercilessly .,.,
and write to the editor in charge.
Who wants to join my gang ?

Golf

Watched the so called "Scottish Open" from somewhere down the Bonnie Banks over the last few days .,., I refuse to give the sponsor of this event any mention whatsoever since all they have done is devalue what little money I had.

Similarly I refuse to mention the venue itself since they won't allow the normal, average Scottish golfer to play their precious course ,,, well those of us who won't / can't put up the £50 grand joining fee !!

So needless to say they can shove their bit of parkland .,.,

The lack of turn out by the world's best players should also tell them a little something about their exclusivity ?

Anyway on to the real Open ,, later this week the world will be watching as the best golfers ( that's the very best ) in the world take on my favourite course .,., The brilliant Turnberry Ailsa .,.,

THE British Open comes back to town ! ( and anyone who knows my political views knows how much it hurts me to decry the Scottish ! )

However, I'm a golfer first and a political animal way after that ,,, And Turnberry DOES let us plebs play ,, on all their courses, and for a much more reasonable price. ( As it happens I'm lucky & have a rich member friend who takes me on with his concession tickets .,., but even without him I could play the best Links in Scotland ) so Loch Lomond ,, read & learn !

Without doubt too, Turnberry is by far the superior course, a true test of the proper, original Scottish game .,.,., Links golf is real golf, golf in the raw, as it should be ,, sadly all courses are not by the sea !

This week promises to be the best week's TV viewing for a long time .,., with a little luck we may even end up with a Scottish or Brit winner ? I will not predict who but I will say ,, it won't be the Tiger ,, good as he undoubtedly is, he can't play proper Links golf and that's a fact !

Take your pick from .,., Poulter, Westwood, McIlroy, the Saltman boys, but if long prayers are answered ,, then Colin ,,, let's stick it to them big man and finally get that major Monkey off your back ? Please ...

The Glesca Tour ( East End Definitive Version )

The Beloved's long lost "pal" from Oz paid us a visit today .,., They last met while still at school .,., so only a mere 49 years between meets !! But hey ! What's time between feiends ?
The Oz chick and her new Bidie-in, old John ( and from the looks of him, the long suffering John,) were a hoot.
She was originally a wee Glesca lassie but after nearly 50-years in the land of the Sheila she's now yer classic rubber-neck Ozzie burd !
Calls a spade a F***ing shovel ? ( and the rest ?! ).,., with the obligatory question mark at the end of every sentence ?
She wanted to go see her old home, school etc ,, so we gave her the definitive East end Glesca tour .,., Wheeeeeee up, up & away we go ...
Starting at her Cousin's house in rural Giffnock in the salubrious South side we headed over to Rutherglen ( the Royal Borough .,., Ha, have you been to Ru'glen recently ? ) then on up into Parkheid, out Westmuir St., into Shettleston and beyond, towards the notorious Bar-L .,., and without any armed out-riders !! Brave or what ? ( Aye ok that'll be what ! )
We showed her her old Parkheid haunts .,., her school ,, sorry, The Academy ( Eastbank as was ) in Shettleston ,, or did Eastbank come under Sandyhills mibbie ??
Well it WAS an Academy after all !! Alas now a tired looking "Offices To Let" block :-( stuck in the middle of a bloody roundabout no less !
Onward and upward along Gartocher Rd, up Hallhill Rd, and into the ghetto that was, and still is, the dreaded Bar-L.
It has changed in the past 40-odd years of course, but for the better ?? Mmmmm ....
Wellll ,,, the houses look a little less prison-like these days but it still seems like a place better passed thro', & rather quickly .,.,., We located the site of the old Gang Fights ,, the square of field where the Bar-L and the Easterhouse brain dead held pre-arranged pitch battles with Chains, knives, belts and hammers .,., yeah Hammers ! How the crazy bastards didn't kill one another I'll never know )
Eyes followed us thro' the streets of our youth ..,, We felt, rather than actually heard the Jungle Drums beating out our presence .,., The Italian Stallion that is my Alfa Romeo seemed just a tad out of place at my old front door ! But we survived and made it back to freedom .,.,
We headed home via Barrachnie, Tollcross, Gallowgate, and the Barras before finally taking shelter & comfort in my South side Golf Club for some early afternoon food & drinkies ,,,
Boy do these Ozzie's like their BEER !!!

Poor Farrah's Gone

She died last week too.
Farrah Fawcett, the prettiest by far, best of Charlie's Angels and long time love of the prat Ryan O'Neal .,.,
She died same day as Michael, that strange wee boy man who sang & danced his life away behind a mask of plastic surgery, and hence she barely got a mention.
Well I'll mention you hen, you were a typical US child of the 60's with big hair and an even bigger smile ,, but hey you weren't a bad actress, and you deserved a better send off than you got.
Bon Voyage pet ,,,

Damned Wind Turbines !

Have any of you travelled south recently on the M77 towards the coast .,., Troon, Ayr, direction ?
Who on earth gave planning permission to allow those bloody scenic destoying eyesores all over the Eaglesham moors ?
I need to know .,., because I'll certainly be VOTING AGAINST them, whoever they are, at the very next opportunity.
I used to think electricity pylons were an eyesore on the landscape ( hey, they were, & still are ) but these new abominations are even worse ,,, the constant movement and NOISE are so much harder to ignore !
And as for the power they generate ??? I'm sure we could all do without that one boiled kettle per day !
In our coming Independent Scotland I want to see these useless sops to the Greens removed & abolished.
Give us back our beautiful countrysides.

Step Parents

Our grandkids have a decidedly difficult, nay traumatic, night coming up .,., And it's tonight !
Their crazy father is about to introduce them to his new ( Chinese) bride !
ie, Their new Stepmother !!
This guy, who claims to love his kids above all else has "found" himself a new "love" via the Internet :0(
I truly hope it is true love, for his sake .,., The guy deserves to find a bit of peace & happiness. However I do worry for him.
But .,., He's known this woman for a very short period of time, spent no more than a few weeks in her company ( & only in her country ) and hasn't even introduced her & his children to one another ( in the flesh that is ! no doubt they have said hello "online" !!) before marrying her ???
Has he finally gone over the edge ? This seems quite mad ?? It really doesn't strike me as the act of a loving Dad .,.,
What if they don't get on ? How can this poor woman hope to look after 3-very different children ,, different ages, completely different personalities, different needs, etc, etc ,,, especially coming from a country where 1-child is the expected norm .,., No sibling interaction then to compare .,., no knowledge of our Western ways ?
Perhaps a visit (or five) pre marriage might have re-assured his fragile kids that Papa did indeed have his children's best interests at heart ?
I, along with their Granny and their real mother & step father will be keeping a very close eye on this situation, & make no mistake.

Old Hamish 1911 - 2009

My old pal .,,. and I mean OLD ,,, didn't quite make it.
Only a couple of weeks ago he was telling me he had now less than a year & a half to go .,,. to get his telegram from Buck House !
Yeah, he made it to 98 and 3/4 ,.,. like a slightly older Adrian Mole !
Sadly, we took him to Craigton Crematorium this morning and said our last farewells.
Hamish was one helluva fellah .,,. a golfer of some note ( in his younger days he played off 4 ! .,., now that's what I call a golfer ? ) a founder member of our Seniors section, he joined the club as a full member in 1942 ,, before I was even a twinkle in Daddy's eye ! ,., a tramcar and later a bus driver for many years, all through the war he drove with a simple little torch to light his way in the black-outs .,., a raconteur, a joker, a flirt with the women, and a truly gentle man, of teuchter origin. He was born & raised in Kinggussie, son of the local Solicitor and his operatic singer wife ,, he had 3 brothers and a sister ,, all gone now bar Eefie ( yeah that's the correct spelling ),, she was there today, a youngster at only 96 ! Is there something in yon Hielan' watter that we should know about I wonder ??
Even with all those advanced years on the clock he drove to his golf club every other day for lunch, a blether and some exercise ! And every day he walked 1 mile after breakfast and another after lunch .,., if the weather didn't suit his slight frame he would get on his home exercise bike and pedal the 2-miles !!
So that was the secret then .,.,?
He was a neighbour in a million to his fellow flat dwellers .,,. driving them to the supermarket or the hairdresser or whatever .,., and ( and here's the rub ) visiting them when they were taken ill and in hospital.
Two weeks ago, after finishing lunch with us "young boy pals" in Cowglen he went to the Southern General hospital to visit an old lady from his block of flats.
After the visit he stopped in the toilet for a simple pee before driving home ,..,
These hospital toilets are quite large and have their light switches on the wall outside. Hamish was slow ,,, some idiot passing some minutes later switched off the light ,, He became disorientated and stumbled over in the dark, badly bruising his frail old bod ,, leg, arm, shoulder ,, but worse even ,, he wasn't found, lying there in pain, 'till about an hour later. The arm, leg and shoulder weren't broken so we hoped he'd be ok ,, but alas the shock was just too much for the old guy ,, he suffered a fatal heart attack and never made it back from that visit .,.,
nor btw did his old ( a mere 75 ) lady friend.
A sad end for a true gent but at least it wasn't long and lingering in some smelly old folks home ?
We'll miss you Hamish.

The one that got away !

I'm almost calm enough now to write about this little episode in my recent past !
Almost, but not quite ,..,
It started off as one of my pretty good ideas .,,. not one of my greatest ever ,, but plenty good enough to convince my beloved and our friends Joyce & Steve to go along with it.
We would take the much heralded scenic train ride from Glasgow to Mallaig ,,the West Highland choo-choo journey of a lifetime with photo opportunities to die for ! And stay a couple of nights in the lovely ( but remote ) Mallaig ( pronounced Mallig btw by the natives .,,. just thought you'd like to know that ! )
So we met at 10am and set off to walk the 10-minutes to our local Patterton station.
Into Glasgow's Queen St. with time to spare we had coffees ,,, all very organised and normal ... We got on the train, sat down in our reserved seats at the correct side of the train for the best views en route, the girls had even prepared and brought along lunch rolls filled with all sorts of lunch time goodies ,, complete with nuts, crisps etc, and of course the wine ! We set off on our mini adventure full of the joys of early summer. It was a glorious sunny day and more of the same was forecast for Up North ,.., We did the train di-de-de-dum, di-de-de-dum, di-de-de-dum ,,through station after station .,., still in the Scottish lowlands but getting there ,, definitely getting there ,,, we got chatting to a couple of lads going home to Fort William from a mid week footie match .,,. Mel & Stirling, both Scotrail employees, the boys seemed to have good times regularly in the Big City, and also liked a wee swally .,., so much so that during one notorious night Mel had got off the train at one of the stations for a smoke ,,, and it had left without him ,,, costing him a fortune in taxi fare trying to get home !
How we laughed at the stupidity of that night of drunken stupidity !
He had learned little too, for at almost every station stop there he was, out there on the platform with the ciggie going .,.,
Di-de-de-dum, di-de-de-dum, di-de-de-dum .,., onward & upward .,,. We had lunch passing along the shores of Loch Lomond ,,and then we pulled into the A station ,, eh, that's Ardlui, but we won't ever mention that name again .,.,
The announcer told us that there was a slight problem further up the line and we would have a short stop ,, 5-10-minutes ,, at this station ,, You may get off the train but don't leave the platform .,,. As if ?
Mel was up and off like a rat up a drainpipe, ciggie packet in hand ,, I was at his back, camera in hand. Snapping away on the platform ,, I added pics of the Loch, the local phone box, the deserted train lines and the arrival of the train on the opposite side of the station ,, I wandered back into our carriage and took a telling shot of my pal Steve ,, sound asleep and us only 2-hours into our 5 hour plus journey.
No more than 2-minutes had elapsed so ,, back I went off the train ,, the one opposite was now leaving, heading back towards Glasgow ,, so I just had to catch a few more shots as it sped off ,,,
Satisfied that I had exhausted the photo opportunities of the A place I turned to re board our train ,..,
To my absolute horror I saw it was moving .,,. slowly, but moving .,., doors all closed ,, I chased after it banging on windows, doors ,,caught up with our carriage and exchanged horror looks with my beloved before having to give up the chase ,,, the bastard train guard had left me .,,. stranded and alone in the A station ,,,
Not a hoot hoot, not a bell, not a whistle ,,not a flag, not an Everybody Aboard yell ,, NOTHING ,, just a silent closing of doors and a quiet slithering away ,..,
I simply couldn't believe it .,., No one pulled the Red Emergency handle ,, no one, it seemed, cared enough to even push the OPEN DOOR button, there on every bloody door !
So there I was ,, me, my camera ,, fortunately ( I thought ) my mobile phone ,, ( unfortunately a new one with which I was much less than familiar ! ) .. Oh & I had my wallet in my pocket .,,. no jacket, no camera bag, no medicine ( I had antibiotics to take at 3pm ,,) no glasses ,,, ( to see with , not to drink from ! )
I was LIVID ,,, angry beyond words ,,, if a Scotrail employee had appeared on that platform I dread to think the abuse he'd have got ! I lifted the Emergency phone and pushed the button as advised on the accompanying sheet ,,, Nothing ,, this service is not operational !! I started out of the cursed station wondering what the hell to do ,,, when my mobile rang ,, I finally managed to answer it at the second attempt my wife made at calling me ,,
The Rail guys Mel & Stirling, on seeing my plight had immediately moved into top gear and called a local taxi firm .,,. a taxi would pick me up in the next few minutes and chase the train to the next ststion ,,, Phew .,., well done the lads !
I waited ,,,and waited ,,,
Ring-ring ,, it was the wife again ,, disaster ! .,,. a road accident had blocked the road so the taxi couldn't get to me ,, the train was also delayed again because of this same road accident so maybe ,, just maybe ,, we could still get there ???
Alas, some 40-minutes passed before the taxi arrived .,., Way too late ,, the train was already speeding on it's merry West Highland way with a giggling fool, his quiet smiling wife and a couple of incredulous young lads the only company my dear wife would have for the next 10-hours !
The crazy taxi driver told me there was now no way for us to overtake the train but that he could take me to Crianlarrich ( for a mere £15 ) ,, then pass me onto a mate who would deliver me to Fort William ( for a further £85 !! )
And what then I asked ,, how to get the final hour and a half or so to Mallaig ?? Eh, well there isn't any transport for that last bit of the journey ,, maybe another taxi ? or you can wait for the next train through here coming to Ft. W ???
Oh I see, says I ,, I can pay you 100 quid and catch the next train at Ft. W rather than wait here for it for nothing ?? Byeeeeee Mr. Taximan. ( the train fare from Glasgow to Mallaig is £13-75p incidentally )
I spent the next hours ( the longest in my life ) wandering miles back & forth around that place taking photos and trying to hitch a lift to Mallaig !! ( I had seen one van go by as I walked during the first half hour .,., Something's of Mallaig ! ) Shit, if only I could have stopped him ,, I might even have won the race to Mallaig ? ) but I didn't have any paper or pen to write a hitching note .,,.
I went into the A hotel and had a beer ,, more calls followed from the beloved ,,the guard had sort of apologised ,, he was dealing with a wheelchair passenger at the front end of the train and hadn't noticed me ,.,. Aye right ! ( we'll see what his bosses think of that one ! ) and I would be allowed to travel on the next train free of charge ,.,. ?? You better believe I would ! It would arrive at the A station at TEN MINUTES TO EIGHT at night ,, it was just after 2pm now ! Holy Jesus ,,
I swore like the proverbial trooper ,, all f***ing day long ! and it would hit Mallaig at 11-31pm ,,, I felt I wanted to KILL .,., that stupid bloody guard preferably !
The two waitresses in the local pub/hotel tried their best to cheer me up ,, no, they didn't have any regulars who drove to Mallaig ! but tried all they knew on the pub computer to get me some alternative transport .,,. alas no joy ,,
I had dinner with them later and they insisted I get back to the station with almost an hour still to wait ,, just in case !
At the appointed hour & minute it arrived .,., train #2 rolled into the A station .,,. I did wonder what crime I might commit if it didn't stop .,., It did !
I was immediately recognised by the ticket collector as the guy with the camera whose tickets were in Mallaig !
I spent the next 3 hours + in a practically empty carriage ,, taking some meaningless blurred photos on a fast moving train in the coming semi darkness ,,
Eventually, tired and exhausted I arrived in the lovely Mallaig at precisely 11-31pm, some 6-hours later than planned !
They were all there ,, the giggling Steve ,,( not quite so smug now however having had to listen to both wives all day on his own ! ) the quiet smiling Joyce, who comforted me all the way to our B & B hotel ( all 3 minutes walk ! )and the beloved who presented me with my jacket to keep me warm and a very large G & T with a slice ,, but no ice !
There were others too on that late night platform shouting and waving at me ,, ??
The wife & "pals" had missed me all day and tried hard to make me smile again ,, they failed ,, :( !
At least the B & B I had booked was very nice ,, and had stayed open late to let me in !! We had a few drams to deaden my anger & allow me to get to sleep .,.,
A nice breakie next morning almost set me back to normal but first the landlady and then her man naturally had to make some wise guy comments about my train escapade ,, walking down the street it seemed that every bugger in Mallaig knew the story .,,. a girl in a gift shop chatted to me like a long lost friend ! ( she was their waitress in the restaurant the night before and would be again tonight ! ) and there was talk of a story in the local newspaper !
Sitting later in the day at a table outside a pub with a cool beer, a damned Yankee & his wife stopped , stared and pointed right into my face .,,. Hey, it's you ,, you made it ,, ha ha ,, we were on the train and saw you running alongside our window ,,,
Move along I told him ( in my best NYC cop voice ,, there's nothing for you here ).,,. I don't do autographs ,.,. not before 6pm ,,,
The rest of the hol was great, weather blistering hot and sunny so we took a lovely boat trip to Eigg & Rhum .,.,., the beloved of course, not being any kind of a sailor ,, especially early morning ,, commented that she preferred her Eigg with bacon and her Rhum with coke please ! We also saw Muck & Canna from the boat ,.., a beautiful day out and an evening meal of some note ,,, the girl gift shop worker and waitress had also been one of the people on the late night platform ( meeting her boyfriend ) had felt so sorry for me that she'd kept the biggest Dover Sole I'd ever seen just for me ,,, Steve was gutted with his half size fish so finally a result in my favour !
So that's it ,, now everybody knows !
I'm off now to wtite my letter of complaint to Scotrail ,,

Who do you think you are kidding Mr ... THIEF !

Bloody Politicians ,,, Not that I ever trusted one of them anyway, but now having to listen to all these lame, so called, excuses ?,.., this is utterly preposterous.
"A simple accounting error ? a slight oversight"? Aye right !
Just ask any old lady who coudn't afford to buy her dinner ( because of the taxes she has to pay ? )and chose instead to try a little shoplifting ,,
SHE ended up in court ! She was BRANDED a THIEF !
These lying, cheating, thieving bastards MUST be prosecuted ,,, each and every one of them, taken into COURT, damned in public by their own actions, tried by the people they robbed ( us, the lowly but mostly HONEST taxpayers ! ) and put firmly behind bars for their CRIMES, for make no mistake ,, these are CRIMES ; Deception, Fraud & Theft to name but a few.
It then follows that they are banned sine die from EVER working for the public at ANYTHING .,,. and this is an absolute sine qua non !
Angry ,,, me ?
You better believe it .,., God help the next one that accosts me in the street or at the Polling station ,, where I'll be going to publicly tear up my voting card !

Well, it's over. ( for now ! )

Everything comes to he who waits .,,. and God knows I've waited !
Now, after what seems like many, many months ( was it really only months ? ) we are finally finished ! Buchanan Towers ( downstairs that is :>( ) is complete !
I'll try now listing everything we've done ,,, if I can remember it all !

1) Butchered my beloved fireplace taking away the Tv corner.
2) Removed the old enormously heavy Tv ,, possibly the heaviest Tv ever built !
3) New Tv fitted .. Huge wall mounted affair requiring very strong wall brackets !
4) Removed all the fireplace slate & replaced it with wood, after much measuring, sawing & laquering.
5) Lifted the floor wood in the dining room then smashed the two levels of tiles and humphed them all out to the back garden ( making the place look like old Steptoe's yard for a time ) ( this also resulted in a cut hand which required a hospital visit for stitches ,, alas too busy for that so just bled a lot on the dirty floor ! )
6) Wallpapered & painted the living & dining rooms.
7) Run in new cables all round the room, under the fireplace for the new Sound system
8) Fitted the new sound system, inc Amp, PS3, Sky+ box, Speakers & Woofer !
9) New wood floor fitted thro' both rooms.
10)New skirting cut & fitted.
11)New curtain poles fitted.
12)Chairs, couch, etc. fitted with pads to stop damaging new floors !
13)Old kitchen ripped out with all the resulting mess everywhere ,.., Steptoe expanded his yard !
14)New Kitchen fitted ,, well almost !
15)New electrics wired ,.,. fuse box replaced, ring mains renewed, overhead light changed ,, all appliances fitted & wired. ( inc, new gas hob with hood, double oven cooker, micro wave, washing machine, dishwasher, Fridge / Freezer and under cabinet lighting )
16)New tiles fitted in kitchen.
17)Kitchen flooring cut & laid ( and that tells nothing of the pain involved in that little exercise ! )
18)Kitchen fitters return to finish off cornices, kick plates etc, ( supplied wrongly originally ! )
19)New Kitchen skirting fitted.
20)New Kitchen radiator & blind fitted.

All the above of course required moving carpets, furniture etc, constantly sweeping up dust, not to mention numerous visits to Wood yards, B & Q ,,, etc. Looking & finding new "matching" accessories ,, viz, kettle, toaster, knife block ! et al ..

You think that's all ??
No, in the middle of all that we also wallpapered, painted and moved furniture & books in 5-rooms in my daughter's house !

You think that's it all finished now ?
Nope again ,,, we already have the wallpaper & paint for our own bedroom upstairs ,,, and of course this will also require a change of carpet, curtains and on & on ,,,with a spill over from our room to re carpet & curtain the small spare room ,,,
Does it ever end ?? ( that's a simpleton's rhetorical question only btw! )
I don't only doubt it .,,. I know it doesn't !

Oh did I mention our plans for a new upstairs bathroom !!!!

The End is Nigh .,.,.,

And so it comes to us all ,..,.,
The END is indeed now Nigh !
I speak not of the possible coming World Flu' Pandemic .,.
Swine that it is ,,, :>)
No, I mean the massive work project we took on re modelling Buchanan Towers some months ago is almost at an end ,.,. at long last & not before bloody time ! And so say all of us !
Even the daughter's house projects are nearing completion too .,.,Phew ...
I will SOON be able to get up of a morn and give not a jot about the day's planned workload .,,.
My decreasing golf handicap work can re start .,., Yabadabadooooooo
Today I have Ben doing the Kitchen tiling .,., thereafter only the floor needs laid ( I think I too may deserve a wee bit of that after all my toils ? :<) )
and then, as Roy Orbison would have said ,..,,.
It's Over
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Dougie has no clothes on !!

It’s been 5-days now ,.,.,. FIVE bloody days ,.,.
I’ve been Computerless all that time !
It’s like running about the streets naked ,, at my age !
It’s that bloody #1 son of mine ,,,, It must be all his fault !
He actually ‘phoned me up Thursday night .,,.
“Everything running ok now with your computer system Dad,the new TV set up etc?? “ he asked
“We’re off on holiday tomorrow morning ,,, ok ? “
Bastard ! if he’d just kept his mouth shut IT would never have noticed that he’d gone away for a long Easter holiday break .,,.,.
I, of course, would have ‘phoned his mobile on Sat morning .,,. First thing too !
It all went belly up Friday morning, ie, the minute he left the City ! .,.,
and after a day trying all I knew ,,, ok that’s not very much ,, but nevertheless I did try it all ! ,.,. Sat would have been the time ,,,, but his mother, the one who has her DS thingy to play with said “Oh no ,,, you can’t ‘phone him on his holiday ,,, For God’s sake just leave it ‘till he’s at least back at work “ ,.,. so there you have it ,,,
I've been running around the streets ballock naked since early morn Frid !
Not a sight I’d recommend if you haven’t had your breakfast !!
I did let the new son-in-law ( and daughter ) have a look ,.,.,. they laughed and suggested I buy a new computer !! You HAVE to upgrade your PC every 3-years they told me ,, and this one is banjaxed ,, ready for the skip !
Now I don’t know what went wrong ,,, it says a cable is disconnected somewhere ??
And I also know it’s a bit on the side of … shall we say ,, not young ?.,,.
It’s slow, yes ,,, not enough memory, ok ,,, doesn’t have MS Vista ( who needs it ? )
But I’ll lay odds , and good odds ,, that the #1 son will get it going again in no time ??
A simple wee blip ,,, just a bad time to have happened, that’s all.
Over to you my boy !! And hey, No more holidays, OK ?

HA, the Post Script :
Like I said ,,, two bloody minutes it took him, and not even a vist ,, all done in a flash on the 'phone .,,.
Does this work, does that work ? ,, Oh it's your Ethernet cable ,, try a new cable & it'll be ok ,,
Don't be daft son says I .,,.A faulty cable ? Impossible ,, why would a cable suddenly go Phuttt in the middle of the night ???
But of course he only got it in one ,, new cable & Voila ! Normal (slow) service resumed !
Smart wee bugger ,, must have his mother's genes !

The Ten Green Bottles Children's Song

Can anyone tell me why this song was written, or is sung,

( and with so much gusto ! )

It woke me up this morning ,,, I was singing it in my sleep / dream ?? Arghhhhhhhhhh!!!!

It's such a daft wee song ,,, and some idiots add many more bottles !

So please, somebody, put me out of my misery .,.,

I need to know ?????????

It's a long way from the marriage vows to Buchanan Towers Mk. 17 !

We've been working, the beloved & I ,.., immersed in the stuff in fact ,,,
You may have read that we've been making some changes to Old Buchanan Towers ?
These changes, ( far too many to have attempted all at the same time), have just about done for us .,,. We are both physically and mentally wrecked !
We really need a holiday now ,, a quiet reflective week or two lying on a beach somewhere hot doing ,, eh nothing, well nothing more exhausting than lifting cold Gins & Tonic to the lips.
Strangely over the weeks these home improvements have been on-going
( nay, months ? ) we haven't had any massive arguments or disagreements
( although it's been a close run thing on a few occasions )
We are now within shooting distance of the goal ,, on the home run, we have our opponent on the ropes ,,, in other words ,,,, light is shining brightly at the end of yon mythical tunnel ,,, we're nearly done !
A few minor little jobs to be completed and it's all over !
Phew ,, & thank the Lord !!
We are so close that the beloved has now taken to outings with her "LIST" of new bits & pieces of trivia required ,, you know the sort of thing women do with new kitchens & living rooms ,,,
The "list" currently has some 10 items on it ,,, roller blind, bin, towel rails, soap dispenser ,, that sort of thing for the kitchen ,,, ( old stuff all the wrong colour you see ! )
Then there's vases, flowers, ornaments etc, ,, for the living room ,,,
We've been in various shops & super stores recently and come out with 8 - 10 items in our trolley ,,, so naturally I thought ,,,, Ahhh, we're nearly finished here too ,,,
but alas NO ,,,, what a silly boy I can be ,.,. still !
She actually came out of the last shop with the "LIST" in her hand and ticked off ,..,,. 2-items ,,,
( yep, that was what I said ,, TWO ! ) ,..,.,
"That's two more off the list" she announced happily ,,,
"Eh ? I could have sworn there were at least 10 items in that trolley" says I
"Yes" she replied, "but 8 of them weren't on my list !"
And today going out she blithely announced ,,, "I'm working on The New LIST now !" Heeeeellllp ,..,.,
Not long now 'till they come & take me away ,,,, haha ...........

The Tale of the Missing Chisels !

Some weeks ago my daughter & her other half kindly loaned me a couple of good chisels ,,,
I can't remember for the life of me why I wanted them ,,, but I definitely wanted them and I definitely got them !
Oh, now I remember ,,, I've been decorating lately and wanted to knock down part of a stone fireplace. That was it ! I also remember using one of them to prise out the skirting boards to allow the new wallpaper to go in behind them ,, and that was AFTER the fireplace was away ,,, however, after that ,,,, senior moment BLANKSVILLE !
Oh no, I can think of one other use I had for one of them ,,, and that was prising up the dining room wood floor prior to removing it, and that was AFTER the wallpapering !
But now, said chisels have a done a disappearing act !
I, ( and the beloved ) have searched the house from top to bottom ,,, we've turned out the garage ,, we've sat down and thunk ! but still the damned elusive chisels remain awol & deep in hiding.
Of course there is the other possibility ,,, that I have indeed returned these items to their rightful owners ?
Unfortunately however, said owners do not yet have in place an orderly filing system for tools in their house or garage so finding them there could be even more difficult than here ?
However, find them we will ,,,, or die of old age ,.,.,. or chisel suicide trying ???
Keep posted .,,. I'll update you on this .,.,., and soon !
Post Script .,., Ha ! It turned out exactly as I thought / hoped / suspected .,.,
The chisels have now been found .,,.,. in the daughter's garage !
So breath a sigh of relief ( for me at any rate ! ) .,., it's not the onset of the dreaded Alzheimers.
Well not at my end anyway !!

A sure way to stop Wars ?

See Britain ?
See us super inventors ,,,,
See yon greatest designers in the world ,,
We arra peepell !
How to finally put a stop to wars ,,, ??
We've only gone & done it !
Just read it in the Herald tosmorning so it MUST be true !
Our British government's Military designers have finally hit their target.
They've designed and paid for ( with your money & mine btw, to the tune of some £20bn !) new Nuclear Missiles for our new Trident Nuclear ( deterrent !) Submarines ,.,.,.
Are you ready for it then ????
This you won't believe ,,, such an easy solution they've found in the end, to thwart our war-mongering generals ( Presidents & Prime Ministers too !) .,.,.,
The new Missiles don't fit !!!
Ya cannae make up stuff like this can ye ???
If the old cowboys had got guns that the bullets didnae fit in we could have had the Tame West !!
Hahahaha, this is gonna keep me smiling all day !

Life's on the UP again !

Things are definitely getting better this week ,,
We're almost there ,,, well at least I can finally see light at the tunnel's end !
Not only has the new TV been up on the wall now for more than a week
( 9-days in fact, but who's counting, and with no signs of it or the wall coming down, thank God !) AND, I can nearly drive the Control Module thingy now !!
Well ok, that's an "almost" ; there are still one or four things I need to check out ,,, like how to play my beloved Radio on this new Amp !
The son is not a great radio lover so this hasn't been programmed into my hand set ,,, yet !
( Incidentally, why DO they call it a hand SET, when it's only ONE ? )
That and a few other minor but tricky manouvres to master then I'm ready for my driving test !
But no, really I was thinking more along the lines of ,,,
Aha, last night I had 3 numbers on my Lotto ticket .,,. so already I'm a tenner to the good !
Didn't I tell you life was on the up and getting better ??
Anyway, we've now chosen and bought the new "real wood" flooring & we also know which wood we're having for the fireplace, so it won't be long now 'till we can sit on our combined arses and do like Frankie, when he went to Hollywood ,.., RELAX !
Ann even found a RED vase for the fireplace ,,, but not yet the "right colour" flowers !
But I'll know it's finally over when the rugs come back ( and the right flowers are esconsed in the vase of course ! ,.,. and that'll be when all six numbers come up on the Lotto !!)
Once I'm finished my bit, I plan to WATCH the kitchen fitters install the new kitchen, raising not even my little pinky to assist ,.,. not one iota of help will they get !
Oh, Roll on April !!

Well, that was the night that was !

Well at last, it's all over ,, bar the shouting of course, and there'll be some of that in the next weeks I'm sure !
Gone is the huge old TV, the apparently antiquated Hi-Fi system, DVD player, Video player ,,( my God ,, we were THAT out of date !! :( ,.,.., )
In came the new TV, ( still huge, in fact huge-er ! but flat screen at least ) the ultra powerful amp, cinema sound system, ( with very petit & discreet, but Jesus, ear splitting speakers, oh & not to mention the large Sub Woofer cube. :) Woof-ya ! )
Then there's the playstation 3, the sky+ box ,,, et al ,.,. now all fully installed and remarkably, it all works ! ( my biggest worry is now gone .,., that the telly would bring down the wall ! )
Bravo that son ,, the Installer .,,. number one fellah !
And the bugger never even opened one of the instruction manuals ??
Where does he learn all this stuff ? ( he specified all the cables needed too ,, about 100 quid's worth, off the top of his head no less ,.., :( )
I took the handbooks to bed last night ,,, just thought I might read up and learn a bit about how it all works, what it can do, etc ,,
Now I used to be a very competent engineer ( in my day ! ) ,,, but honestly ,, without a word of exaggeration here ,, I could not understand one bloody word in any of these books !
Well actually that's a lie ,,, I understood one very small item on the specification pages ( yeah, it takes pages ,, plural & lots of ,, to tell you all the technical stuff ! ) ,..,., & I am now extremely worried.
Both the TV and the Amp consume 500- watts of power ,.,.
That's a bloody kilowatt between them !! Like burning a single bar electric fire all the time the Telly is on !! Our electric bill ( already way too high ) will go into orbit now !! And that doesn't include the Sub & the PS3 ( another 400 watts !! Help .,,.,. ,)
I could barely afford to buy this stuff .,,. I now can't afford to play with it !!
Although with all that heat being dissipated in the room I might just save on the gas bill ?
Roundabout & swings, .,,. ( as my old mum used to say ! )
I can now access Tv, Games, my Computer Internet, my Pictures, my Jukebox ,,, everything ,,, on my new TV screen & all from the comfort of my armchair !
It'll be wonderful ,,, I know it will .,.,.,
Geeez ,,,, if I can just learn how to drive this Command Centre thingy !!

Hey, wait a cotton-pickin' minute !

I've just been shafted ! Yeah, again ! And NO, not by the bloody UK Government this time ,,,
I put my usual top-up tenner on my mobile 'phone about 2-weeks ago or so ,,

Strange as it may seem to all you mobile 'phone junkies ( or cellphone if you're of a Yankee persuasion ) but this would normally last me some six to nine months !

Yeah, that was MONTHS !! I'm rather economical with my calls & texts you see.
So, you could have knocked me over with the proverbial feather when, less than 3-weeks later, I receive a text from Orange telling me I have only 51-pence ( that's UK currency speak for bugger-all ) left on my mobile account !
"Whit ? You must be joking" I replied ,,,
"Naw" they said ,, "that's your lot ... one more short call & you're up Shit's Creek ,, paddleless !!"
Well, that got my dander up ,,, I flew back to the Car 'Phone Warehouse that sold me the top-up. The guy there was very good, & helpful to boot ,, what a pleasant change these days ?
Unfortunately, he confirmed that my money was all but gone but offered to call Orange for me on his land line to find out why ?
"Have you had any texts in the past days ?" he asked ,,

"Why yes, now that you mention it I have ,,, some daft 66633 something number telling me how to win money on some casino thing or other .,,. naturally I just dump them ,, junk texts ?"
Fortunately he found one still on my phone's incoming texts listing ,..,
"Ah !" he told me ,, "that's the culprit right there .,,. these, eh we'll call them "people", charge YOU £2 for every text they send you !!! "

"People ,, I'll give them bloody people if I ever find them ,, bastards !
How the F**k can they get away with that" I asked, civilly !
"I don't know how they do it "he admitted ,, "but they can & they do !"
He then showed me how to put a stop to this practice ,, on MY 'phone at least !
So here's the cure if it ever happens to you ,,,
You must immediately answer this type of call by text and write the word STOP ,,,
This text will cost you the normal 12p .. no more, and then it ends .,.,

The perpetrators of this scam even text you back to confirm that they will STOP !!
Let me say it again ,,, cheeky BASTARDS !

So hopefully no more will I see these annoying and bloody expensive Junk Texts ,.,.
but alas, it seems there's no way of getting my lost ten quid back ..
Grrrrrrrrrrrr ... let me please find a way to get my hands on these scum ?

We're ALL off to the Waddin' o' the year !

The eldest child is being married ,.,.
It's something of a "rush affair" ,,,
( no, no, no, I don't imply anything on the "shotgun" front ,,,
nor do I suggest that this is any short lived "affair" either !
It's just that it's all happened with a bit of a rush at the end ,.,..,,.
( Oooh gosh Missus ! )
You see, the bride & groom suddenly & without warning almost, found themselves out of a job and so the planned bigger wedding complete with all family & friends reception at the Golf Club in June had to be postponed.
As the We'an herself said ,,,, To lose one job, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like damned carelessness.
So they thought ... Do we wait ,,, 'till we find new jobs or 'till the World Resession is over ?...
or do we just do the daft thing and get married NOW ? ,,
So now it is ! Today in fact ,, in about an hour no less ! Help ,, I have to go !
Fortunately the Groom's parents were over for a wee visit so they are here already ,,
His sister dropped everything ( 3-kids & a husband to be precise ! ) and flew in last night ,,since when the poor soul has been baking a wedding cake ( Danish style ! )
The Bride's eldest child, Marcel, has even had a haircut ...
Her 2nd. Lottie has agreed to wear a dress !
Leon the 3rd. thinks the groom is going to poison the bride ( a slight mix up with his Danish language skills ...)
Baby Anna doesn't care a hoot as long as she gets her night-time fix of mummy's milk ..
So no quiet honeymoon on the horizon tonight for the happy couple, I'm afraid !!
The Bride's brother & sister-in-law have kindly given over their home to accommodate the aprés event cake & bubbly reception ,..,
The rest of the family have been running around like headless chickens for a week now trying to get outfitted !
Why is it women NEVER have anything to wear ??
The quickly revised plan was to have the family ( all 14-of us ) plus a few invited close friends to celebrate with a glass of something and a bit of cake.
But alas, the Bride is a BLOGGER .,,.,. ( and she used to Rock 'n Roll ?? )
Ipsofacto after mentioning the Happy Event on her Blog we now appear to have upwards of 50- "drop-in friends" coming for said wee refreshment !!
Hope the bro & sis-in-law know what they've let their home in for ?
Are there enough seats I wonder ?
I'll need a rest by 3pm for I'm also the "Official Photographer" !
Och who cares ,, I'm sure we'll all have a ball & the Buchanan's now have a brand new Danish wing on the family tree !!
C'mon, one & all ,,, everybody's welcome .,.,, let's make this the happiest day of their lives.
It was ,,,, And now for the REAL photos !!
How's that for a Wedding Cake, Bride & Groom ?

I suppose I should have known !

Read a story today in the newspaper ,.,.,. Some reporter or other was going on again about us rough, hairy arsed Scots and our habit of going Commando when kilted.
All the reasons for and the rights of our forefathers ( and ourselves today of course) to behave in this manner were dragged out and aired again ,, ( aired indeed Ha ,,, )
However .,.,., after the rights came the wrongs !
I have to state right here and now ,,, and not because I have just bought my own kilt this past week, that I will NEVER ,, ever again hire a kilt !
The newspaper article was trying to convince us that for cleanliness sake & common decency it would be good if we finally put this ancient custom to bed,.., Fair enough ,,, that's one viewpoint I guess ( English probably and without the necessary manly equipment I figured ) but alas no !
There was then a footnote from one of our leading menswear Kilt hire outfitters ,,, who explained ,, and in graphic detail, about all the exceedingly badly stained & soiled kilts they receive back the day after Scottish Wedding nights !!! It seems the cost of hire could be reduced substantially if the boys would just wear a pair of underpants & save the laundry bills ,..,.,
Oh Yuk ,,, like I said ,, Never Again !

The Bastards are at it ,,, again !

You won't believe this ,,, :>(
It was bad enough when Penguins got smaller, ( the biscuit that is, not the cute wee guys that walk about the Arctic ! ) & our beloved Mars Bars shrunk.
Marathon did a swift name change & also started to grow backwards in size ( a bit like that curious Benjamin Button ! ) I haven't bought one since !
I even recently found a bag of the we'an's sweeties double wrapped ,.., to add to the weight no doubt and give the poor we'an one sweetie less in her packet.
But now the bastards have gone too far ,,,
My decorating assistant ( the wife paster { non religious of course } ) & I have spent some time choosing new wallpaper to re-decorate our living & bedrooms. Having now purchased umpteen rolls, we find to our horror that we are short ,,,, each bloody roll is 1/2" narrower than the ones we've just taken off the walls !
How low can these people go ?
Did anyone in the wallpaper shop advise us of these new sizes ?
Aye sure they did ( NOT ! ) ,,
& I'll lay odds they're also shorter in length when I get round to checking ,,,
A shower of bloody thieves & charlatans.
If I now can't match the batch number on any extra rolls I might need, they'll bloody hear from my lawyer !

The Tartan Question

My dearest, newly divorced daughter is to be married again !

Three days after her divorce became final she was engaged !!

I'm delighted for her ,.., truly I am !

I know I make daft comments about her having learned nothing after her first marriage but her "new guy" is quite different ,,, In the space of the last few years he has given us back ( all of the Buchanan family ) our daughter, our sister, our sister-in-law and I know she is a much happier mother for her kids. What a change .,,. thank-you Thomas.

However, now, to add to his woes, the brave Thomas has decided to get married in Tartan !

Thomas is Danish !

Denmark is not in Scotland ! But wait ,,,

We now have Scottish World Tartan Register No. 3129

The historical association between Denmark and Scotland extends over 900 years to the age of the Vikings. Their influence can be traced through some of the Festivals still celebrated to this day in the North and East of Scotland, in the numerous Norse place-names around our coastline, and in the original language of Scotland – Gaelic. And perhaps most importantly, many of the Norse invaders married and settled in Scotland, so that we share a common blood-line to this day.Although tartan is associated with Scotland it has been known in Denmark for almost 400 years, for some 40,000 Scots mercenaries, mostly from the Highlands, fought in the Kalmar Wars between Sweden and Denmark. Many of these Scottish soldiers eventually settled in Denmark and became integrated into the local community, thus adding to the common blood-line.

The new Danish tartan has been designed and woven as a gift to the people of Denmark.

The colours of the tartan combine the colours in the flags of Denmark and Scotland.
The Danish tartan was officially launched at a reception organised by the Danish-Scottish Society at the Danish Cultural Institute in Edinburgh on Saturday 27th. May 2006.

About fifty or so Danes living in Scotland, including the Danish Consul and the Director of the Institute, were present. to see the Director’s three-year old son Sebastian model the kilt in the Danish tartan.
With the approval of the Crown Prince and Crown Princess, the kilt was specially made for Prince Christian to wear when he attains the age of three, and Sebastian’s father, Mr. Kim Casperson, who left his post as Director and returned home to take up a new post in Denmark last week, delivered it personally to the Crown Prince and Princess at Amalienborg Palace.
The Danish tartan was designed to reflect the strong historic links between Denmark and Scotland. Although brought up in Australia, Crown Princess Mary’s parents hail from Scotland, and the Prince’s kilt is a potent reminder that the links between our two nations continues to this day.

So there you have it !

Thomas has debated wearing The Buchanan, ( his new daughter is half one of course ), the Glasgow, ( he lives here ), the McNeil ( his mother's maiden name was Nielsen ! ) so with all this confusion going on in his head I felt duty bound to give him my best, considered ( fatherly ?) advice .,.,.,

Ok Thomas here it is ,,, Having now given your question two or three days very serious thought .,,. I’ve checked out various sites re the question of “proper dress”, tartan wise, for your up coming nuptuals as well as other possible options for you on the kilt front and it seems to me that you really only have one choice ! Sadly, it’s probably also the most expensive choice !

You should obviously wear your own tartan .,., The Danish ,..,.,You could wear a small token Buchanan something with it ,, say our Kilt Pin or Clan Crest Badge maybe ?

But for your own National pride, for your parents and countrymen, it has to be The Danish ,,, a fine cross of our Scottish & Danish National flags and not at all a bad looking tartan.

And just for the record Thomas ( even if you didn’t ask formally for my daughter’s hand :0) ) you will be a most welcome addition to our Clan Buchanan.

There's Funerals & then there are funerals !

Had to attend two funerals this past week !

Not my favourite pastime I hasten to add, but family & friends needs must.

First we had Wullie .,., a self induced early death, at 62. Wullie was the younger brother of our pal Jim but the two seldom got on and laterly rarely even talked.

Wullie you see was something of a heid-case ! Into drink & drugs in a big way for manys a long year he had been warned often to get himself cleaned up or depart this mortal coil ,,,

He chose the latter and who's to say he was wrong ? He lost his only love, the crazy Liz a while back and this, it seems to me, propelled him into the abyss.

And yet, at the very end there she was ,, the bold Liz, large as life and twice as ,,, organising the funeral with their boy. Wullie's drunks & druggies turned up as well as his Maw and ( most of ) his family. I guess he had a turnout of about 25 bodies ( mostly alive but some I'm not quite sure about ,, and neither were they !

"Eh, wher ur we the day ,, eh, who ur we ,,, wull we get a wee drink here d'ye think ?"

It was a bloody disaster of course ,, from the minute the priest hobbled into the crematorium with his broken leg and shouted at Liz ,, "Whit wis his name again hen ?" followed by ,.,.

Dis anyo'ye know the Rosary ? ,,, the Hail Marys ?

The "service" was like something out of the dark ages ,, all hell & damnation and how we'd all need to pray if Wullie was ever to make it to Heaven ! Wullie never actually got a mention in the proceedings ,, for this guy rambled on and on about ,, God knows what !

His coffin was carried in to Eric Clapton 's Tears in Heaven .,., ( tears of laughter if they were looking down on this farce ) and we moved out to some 60's psycho-instrumental which stuck in the Cd player ,, fittingly I thought, but which then gave Liz the excuse to harrang the operator of the music machine ,.,. "Whit did ye dae wi' my Cd son ?" she threw at him on her way out of the chapel ,, "it wis aw scratched missus ", he told her handing back the disc with "Wullie's Funeral-- Jan 2009" written on it in Red ink ! ,, ,,

Jim, the deceased's big brother, spoke not one word to his old mother, his aunt, his brother's ex wife, or his last drunken bidie-in ,.., in fact no one ,, and didn't join them later for the traditional sandwich & swally .,,.

We, me & the missus, and Jim's daughter & son -in- law were invited back to his place for different sandwiches & undoubtedly different swallys !!

A funeral like no other I've ever attended !

Then, just two days later we were in a packed St Anthony's Chapel in Govan .,.,

The very angels were singing as we entered .,,.

A turn out bigger than any I've seen before ,, must have been 3-400 people packed into the Chapel for what I assume was a High Mass ? And the overflow area at the rear was also full.

Our own Amanda's "uncle" Danny passed away after a year or two's illness .,,. he was 81

Danny was a nice wee guy ,, lots of friends obviously, as well as a huge family, a popular wee fella in Church circles too from the looks of it ,.,. We had 4-priests, 2-women "scripture readers"and the pack came complete with eh, an absolutely abysmal organist ! ( she really needs to go for a few more piano lessons I'm afraid ! )

There was much upping & downing ( even to the knees for some ! ) as seems to be the norm in Catholic churches ( nae wonder these Fenians are fit ! ) ,.,. The service was splendid ( if you were of a religious bent ), there was much praise heaped on the wee man ,, a true celebration of his life rather than a weeping & wailing at his passing.

But the highlight of the day for me, and most of the participants in the church, was Wee Danny's goodbye to his beloved Dad. He told us firstly of his mum's strength this past wee while and especially this last few days, his sister, their friends and neighbours ,.., all the help and words of comfort they'd received ,,, he then told us of his father's last hours.

Old Danny had by now been in his hospital bed for some weeks and was suffering a bit with bed sores ,,, but he wouldn't bother the nurses with his pain ,, "these girls have enough to do without me complaining " .,., anyway, on his last night with the family he pulled his dear wife aside as they were leaving .,,. and delivered what were to be his final parting words ,.,.

"Eileen" he said, We've had a good life ,, I'm a happy man, had you, lovely kids, done everything I ever wanted to do, have no regrets ,, but ,,,,

Do you think God is having a laugh ? I'm gonnae die here wi' a sore arse !"

Hahaha .,., Way to go Danny old friend ,, I love it !

Out of the church ,, and on to the Crematorium .,,. absolutely overflowing with mourners ,, no room to park the car ,, 6-deep OUTSIDE the place ,.,. and then to the Glynhill Hotel in Paisley for a fine afternoon of craic with friends & family and a lovely buffet with drinkies ,,,

Cheers Danny & R.I.P.

I'm now working on my own final words and almost looking forward ? to my son or daughter giving the folks a laugh on that day ,,, How about ,,

"He asked me to enter his name on the sheet for tomorrow's medal ?"

My feet have been cold for 3-years !

That was her comment the other day when I commented ( on reflection, perhaps not too kindly ! ) after she came home with about a dozen pairs of the most bizzare looking assorted new SOCKS ! Colours neither old Mods nor Rockers would have ventured out with in the street, not even after a hallucinatory drug trip ,, Stripes, flowers, dots ,,, you name it, these socks have it, in abundance ,.., but in combinations never before seen together ,,, well not in broad daylight anyway !
So I asked her ,,,
Why on earth did you buy these my beloved ????
Well, she said, firstly they were on special ,, half price no less ,, ( you wouldn't be the least surprised ) ,.,. they couldn't have sold them to me at 99% off !!
But then she told me the real truth ,..,.,
My feet have been cold now for about 3-years !
Eh ,,, it took her all that time to find a solution to cold feet ??
And what a solution she found .,., we're only going out nights now !

Slanted BBC News !

How come we have to listen to all this shite every damn day ?
First we heard about the poor guy who was gunned down by the cops as a suspected suicide bomber on the train ,, now the bleeding hearts are at it again ,,
We have the Primark sweat shop workers being made into cheap slaves .,,.
Never a mention of the real FACTS ,..,
These bastards are ALL in our country robbing our easy touch system blind .,,.
All of them are and were ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS .,,.
Instead of pleading for the poor souls to get a better deal why don't we do what other civilised countries do and DEPORT the buggers ?? Or better still ,, don't let them in in the first place !
They're costing us ( taxpayers ) millions and draining our country dry.
We have plenty poor folks of our own to look after ,, thanks to this same sad apology for a Government that lets this kind of thing happen ,, constantly !
Pity we can't deport the Westminster MP's & bloody Do-Gooders at the same time !

Do we really need Conductors ?

I watched the New Year's Day concert from Vienna yesterday.

It's a thing I do ,,, every year I sit there, generally a bit hung-over, and give myself a Classical shot in the arm. Generally it's very good .,,. however this year I was disappointed .,,. maybe I was too sober or maybe it just wasn't the best choice of music this year, who knows ?

We had the internationally renowned but over dramatic Israeli conductor Daniel Barenboim doing his thing in front of the very talented Vienna National Orchestra, so it should have been good.

The music this year, as I said, was not to my taste so I got to watching Barenboim ,,, and the more I watched his histrionics and his highfalutin, profusely sweating, (high) brow the more I got to wondering ????

Why does a perfectly competent group of musicians actually need a conductor anyway ?

They can read the music, follow the mood, intonations, musical direction given on the sheet music ,,, a simple Metronome should more than suffice ?

And it wouldn't have all that prancing off-stage then on again to rapturous applause and it would save all the flower bouquet presentations at the end too !

I doubt most of us ( the untrained ear majority ) would notice any difference sans conductor ?